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This is the beginning of my journey, and I need your help. My name is Lindley. I am an ICU nurse with a really shitty night schedule. I am 5'1" and the heaviest I have ever been at 163 pounds. I was in a very unhealthy five year relationship, had two sons with the individual, and am now a single mom. I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder, depression, anxiety, binge/purge, and PTSD. Now for the thing that sent me over the edge... June 12, 2016, I woke up and discovered my 5 week old son (Ronin August) had died from SIDS during a nap. Needless to say, it was the single most traumatic experience of my life and it's left me with an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and apathy. Any kind of will to live just went out the window, let alone any king of will to get healthy and back in to shape. Now, just waking up and doing day-to-day things is a struggle. I live in Oklahoma and have a very limited support system (one friend within physical proximity, and my mom and aunt available via telephone). I'm maxed out on my antidepressants and I go to hypnotherapy 4 times a month (which is not cheap!). Also, I'm now hypertensive and I just FEEL the toll this is taking on my body. I don't feel good. I used to be very in shape. I loved being active and eating clean. But now, the smallest things are a challenge. I don't want to live like this, but the sadness overwhelms me. I am reaching out to this community because there is still a sliver of something inside of me that wants me to "get better". I'm searching for support. I've tried to be mentally healthy, thinking my body would follow suit, but that obviously didn't work. And now I need a different approach. I want to be healthy for my remaining son (Olin Anthony). We all have struggles. We all have our crosses to bear. I would love to hear what others have overcome and how they did it. Tell me your story.

so. yeah. um. I guess it's like, what, week five or so? and I still haven't made a Challenge Thread? ugh. Brian said I needed to come back here. he said that the support and motivation I got from my fellow Rebels made a difference. trying to do this on my own isn't working. so here I am. I'm back. it's just going to be really hard to balance keeping up with y'all's posts, do a 40hr week job, attend grad school, volunteer with Frontier Girls, workout every day, eat healthy everday, role play, and still have a social life. :/ but I'm gonna try. jtggodqos - hopeless Main Quest I vow to return to a healthy lifestyle, incorporating good eating habits and exercise into most every day. Goals Exercise: I vow play adhere to the following workout plan every day, with the rare exception.Mon, Wed, Fri (after work): DDR, 3 setsTue (before work), Thu (after work), Sun (after church): weights, 2 sets of 10 (bench press, military press, seated row, bicep curl, tricep curl)Sat: rest (extra sleep is encouraged)Diet: I vow to follow an altered paleo every day, with the rare exception.Alcohol: I vow to not drink on the following days, with the rare exception: Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday. Side Quests Minis: I vow to at least consider the Mini Quests each time, though I am not required to participate. My Motivation I vow to adhere to the above requirements, because I'm fucking sick of how I look, and I'm tired of this Depression.healthy eating and regular exercise are good for the body, and my alcoholism is good for nothing. Notes the "with the rare exception" clause must be validated by Brian -- if he deems it acceptable, then I can evoke it. this ensures I don't let myself "cheat" too much.I must input every day's progress on both my spreadsheet AND my NerdFitness thread. this ensures accountability. Links spreadsheetMyFitnessPalFitbitFitocracy