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My first challenge was a bit of a failure. I chalked it up to overcomplicating things, although I’m not sure if I believe that 100%. My goals seemed so simple to me, but they were apparently too complicated for little ol’ me to achieve. So.. as the title suggests, I am going way the fuck back to basics. It occurred to me that I have gained back nearly all the weight I lost immediately after high school, so my goals will sort of focus on the lifestyle changes I had (unknowingly) made as soon as I set out on my own ten years ago. MAIN QUEST: To lose some frickin' weight already. GAWL. Goal 1 – Eat net calories of around 1350 per day Shut up. I know I said I hate counting calories, but it was something (maybe even the only thing) that worked for me in the past when I was successfully keeping my weight in check. I never counted calories after I left high school, but I sure as shit could not afford all the fast food and junk I was eating when I was living with my mom. Making a loaf of bread, several cans of tuna, and a few boxes of macaroni and cheese last a month really trims a girl’s waist. I of course won’t be reverting back to my broke days of primarily processed foods, but I can at least practice some god damn portion control. Goal 2 – Walk for an hour five days per week Just as I could not afford my delicious thrice-daily Taco Bell crack, Doritos, and Jolt cola, I also tried to save money by walking everywhere I could in San Francisco. I understand that there are compelling arguments out there that cardio is one of the most inefficient methods of weight loss, but it’s more efficient than my current regimen of sitting on the couch in my underwear binge-watching House (again). Besides, this is my minimum. If I get a wild hair up my butt and decide to go hiking or riding my bike or do hours of yard work, it can just be extra credit. Goal 3 – Drink 98 96 (oops) oz. of water per day My water intake has been abysmal lately. I took a bit of time to track my water over the last week or so, and, frankly, I’m surprised my body can even function. It’s not even that I’m too busy drinking soda or juice or milk or anything like that. I just don’t drink anything. Except wine in the evenings, which is probably not good considering the lack of hydration. Also, I want that fancy glowing skin Eva Mendes talks about. Although, I suspect that’s just a quality make-up artist. Damn you, Eva! Side Goal – Finish job-related certification by spending 6 hours per week on it I will be taking another run at this, since I ignored it completely last challenge. I honestly don’t care about it and probably won’t be in this field two years from now, but my boss dropped about $400 on the course, so the least I could do is not be an asshole and finish it. Welp. There it is, folks. Portion control, walks, water, and boring work shit. Let’s fucking rock and roll. Weighing in at 174.4 lbs at the start of Challenge #2... The Annihilator! [crowd goes wild]