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Hello fellow NF rebels! I'm respawning after a three-year gap -- and a number of unsuccessful non-NF attempts to become a healthier, fitter me in the intervening time. I have learned a lot during the journey, but so far none of my efforts have 'stuck' in the form of permanent changes in lifestyle. Sadly, I am weaker at this point in my life than I have ever been before now -- and that is very, very discouraging! So, as part of my respawning process, I have "taken a look at what didn't work last time" and realized that I consistently get hung up when dealing with two of the Academy's challenges: anything to do with sharing and customizing my Batcave. When I started digging into why these two missions are so consistently uncomfortable for me, I realized that they are actually symptoms of the same issue: I am deeply ashamed of myself! Because of my sense of shame, I want to hide my efforts to become healthier "just in case I fail again." I don't want to be accountable to the people in my life because I don't want to face the doubts and questions, and I definitely don't want to deal with the awkward conversations that happen after I "fall off the fitness wagon"! Similarly, I don't want to make changes in my environment, because they signal to the other people in my life that I'm "trying to get fit again" ...leading to the doubts, questions and discussions that I don't want to have. I know it's a self-defeating mindset -- but I'm still figuring out my plan to conquer it. I need to defeat Shame in my first Boss Battle -- or I'll never successfully reach any of the others! Wish me luck!! 🤞

"Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." -Hiraedd, The Conqueress (Bare bones, to be elaborated later. It's certainly quite blunt as it is now. But it's written, and I'll work from there.) 1) A task a day A distance net-course due 30th of June, and another 30th of July. Marketing law and Strategic marketing. Soft deadline aimed at 21st of each month to give some space to maneuver. 2) Honorable Order of Rebellious Appraising Yeomen and Gratitude statements Positive, honest self-appraisal. Once a day. --> HOoRAY Things outside yourself that I am grateful for. Three times a day. In the challenge thread and cross-posted there rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/26507-3-things/ 3) ZenHabits1000 cuts 1) The Zen Habits 1000 cuts Plainly from the previous challenge. 200 points, 3-4 things a day. Adding that 5 min of streching, or every 5000 steps over the daily 10k I usually get, are worth one point. 4) Something from Brene Browns work, a single step towards recognizing shame and the symptoms, but I dont know how. I will think this a bit more.

A fair warning: This thread may still contain thoughts of suicide, depression, and dark and sad emotions. I feel I cannot and do not want to clean those away. To me, fluffing it away would be a another kind of lie. It is not wise to be so immensely honest. I probably going to tell things other people would think thrice to tell anyone. If I ever am going to make waves and go out in the public to do great things, some bastard (or worse...) is going to look out for my weaknesses, and use them against me. There are people like that. But there is also people who this will help, and give strength to, and make lives more loving and beautiful! Those I help, even only a few, are more important than some hurtful S.O.D delibrately looking out ways to hurt other people. Or my personal hurt, if that happened. But what if this will be used to hurt those I love? That's what I'm scared for. After you've read this, I would appreciate help about this matter. I am so young I do not know the dynamics of the Internet. At which point doing what feels right meet the limits of caution of common sense? The worst case scenario: If I was a parent, and a random jackass came and said: "Yeah, your son had depression and suicidal thoughts, right? So did you fail as a parent?" it would hurt tehm like seven hells... And even if they would understand my need for excruciating honesty, it would still hurt them badly. ----------------------------------------- Brene Brown's work inspired this challenge, and I am grateful for stumbling into her talks. http://blog.ted.com/2012/03/16/being-vulnerable-about-vulnerability-qa-with-brene-brown/ https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame I try convey the impression she has had through this challenge write up, but it will be imperfect. Things marked in this post "in quotes" are all direct quotes from Brene. *breathe...* Getting a name for the core fear of myself, the fear of vulnerability and shame, felt so real and important, and also really icy fear scary. I have big issues with this, but I know there's a way out, and I will love myself. I know that. It ain't easy, but I know I can do it. Do you know those people who like to hurt other people from the sheer joy of it? My inner critic, Demonemon I named him, is one of those. And he is a part of me, because if I curl up, put up walls and nurse my hurt and let it all get to the point of... You see where this is going? Not pretty. I will very easily remember again I am not good enough, I am a bad person, good for nothing, I am not worthy of love... Hypocrite. Hurting other people. Dark dark dark. It is a lie, I know, but it hurts the same as someone came and dug up one of the worst things from the box of hurts you keep locked... Those sudden times, I am not strong enough to believe it. But oftentimes, I can also love myself! You know, the amazing feeling of "worthy of loving and belonging" "I am enough", I am a good person. I can take mistakes, make the best of despite them and find good sides of almost all of my darkest thoughts... And forgive myself. 1) Go to work every day, on time and do productive work and the best I can. My practical placement is 5 months, and I know I will inevitably screw up, and it will feel like the whole world at the time. It is not. Whatever I feel, I will go to work and do good work, because I cannot let my personal pain hurt other people. I need an immensely good, indefiable reason not to go. And 99% of the time it is not, even if it feels like it. 2) [Reddit post Ryans gospel -> http://www.reddit.com/r/NonZeroDay/comments/1qbxvz/the_gospel_of_uryans01_helpful_advice_for_anyone Okay, this quote is from Ryan: "Rule numero uno - There are no more zero days. What's a zero day? A zero day is when you don't do a single fucking thing towards whatever dream or goal or want or whatever that you got going on. No more zeros. I'm not saying you gotta bust an essay out everyday, that's not the point. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to make yourself, promise yourself, that the new SYSTEM you live in is a NON-ZERO system. -- -- Turning into productivity ultimate master of the universe doesn't happen from the vortex. It happens from a massive string of CONSISTENT NON ZEROS. That's rule number one. Do not forget." So, Non-zero for me is either: be something where I face my shame/vulnerablity or do something definitive towards my dreams, or otherwise do something I would regret not doing. But despite what was said, my self worth is not tied to achieving. List of things to count, but depends from the best I can do at the given day: This doesn't work, but I am too tired to change - I look at the list, and I am already overwhelmed by it, because most of the things has to be done consistently or they do not matter enough. And I cannot do it all consistently, just too much. It is a giant, terrifying 'if I do all this, I am good enough' to-do list from hell. ... Write something of your own. Plan the trip abroad a bit. Practice Japanese. Visit a gym to ask if they have personal trainers to teach me bodyweight exercises. Find a traceur(s) to practice parkour with from my hometown. Work out. Cook a new recipe/eat a helthy meal. Reach out to people, old friends and new ones. Reach out of my way to help someone. Reveal an idea I might get negative feedback from. Do something differently. Stand out and make waves. 3) I will strive to love myself fully, flaws and the good and bad and the whole package that is me, so that feeling is not dependent about anything happening outside me "You are worthy of love and belonging" - Starting by completing her worksheet full of important and difficult questions about shame 4) I will continue the Zenhabits 1000 cuts fitness program (fitness things in manageable chunks spread throughout the day) It is easy, and making results. The goal is to make it consistent throughout the challenge and make at least 120 fitness-things.