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Escape to Reality


naarasleijona

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Yesterday on paper looks really good.  Emotionally it was a mixed bag....

 

1) made dinner for the family.  Everyone was kind of grumpy. Long story short, no one was in the mood.  The kids didn't want to try what I made - all around it was a typical frustrating experience, but you know what?  I made dinner, and I put in my part of the effort, and that's all I can do....  Need to go into my zen cave, let it go and move on.  2/4.

2) did my workout in the morning.  5/12

3) did my walk with Ellie.  People driving by ate stopping to ask about her.  Her training is going so well.  I'm so proud of my little girl! :) 11/28

4). Lots of chores got done.  11/28

 

so yeah, things look good on paper, but it was a roller coaster ride emotionally.  So many parts of my day were spent being frustrated. But,  I acknowledge that it's me bringing my reaction of frustration to the situations,.  I need to start practicing more mindfulness and get back to meditating again!  

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Good job getting the things done!  Feeding kids can be a battle around here, too, so I totally feel you on that one.  Sounds like you have really good awareness of things to work on, and that's a great place to start from!  Better days ahead!

  Level 45 Quasi-Human Ranger     

"Forget failure.  Forget mistakes.  Forget everything except what you're going to do NOW, and DO IT." - Lou Ferrigno

"Foxes Never Quit!"  -  Leicester City FC

KBO. - Churchill

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So

Yesterday afternoon was pretty much a cluster F***.

 My adulting skills did not shine....  (basically an overload of responsibilities and issues that I would have been able to handle individually, but which all added up to a really tough day).   I think I looked much more put together on the outside than what was really going on in my head.  I responded to most things appropriately, but by the time my head hit the pillow I was a wreck - completely burned out.  

 

1) not a dinner night.  I think I even forgot to eat.  I have no idea what anyone else ate or when (probably cereal) 2/4

2) Not a workout day. 5/12

3) Ellie was walked.  Spent most of the walk having a heated discussion with my hubs, but the walk was good for us because we put everything on the table and were o.k by the end of the walk 11/28

4) chores were not done - I spent 7 hours working with my son, helping him with school work (two tests to study for and a project)......  I'm o.k. with that.  Life happens and my kids are more important than a clean house!  We were up until 11:00.  I didn't have the energy to even do a couple of things (I'm usually in bed by 8:30).  So this one was a score for team "let it go" ;) 10/28.

 

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Well shoot.  I'm sorry it was a rough day.  I hate when the $#!* hits the fan and I get overwhelmed... you have all of my sympathies.  I hope today is a better day for you!

  Level 45 Quasi-Human Ranger     

"Forget failure.  Forget mistakes.  Forget everything except what you're going to do NOW, and DO IT." - Lou Ferrigno

"Foxes Never Quit!"  -  Leicester City FC

KBO. - Churchill

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You earned great mom points helping your son- hurrah! Glad you and hubby were able to work it out as you walked. I actually find it easier to discuss stuff, even hard stuff, with my husband when we walk. 

Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song, above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world" J.R.R.Tolkien

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Warning.... Long winded self-pity party ahead.   This probably isn't the place to do this, but I just need to "talk".... Feel welcome to skip it.

 

Its 3am.  My son's friend just texted his mom to come and pick him up because he was homesick during a sleepover.   So my scale just tipped a bit, and I'm tail spinning into an episode of depression.   

It's  nights like these that my worst demons come out, when my mind and my emotions wreak havoc on what I'm working so hard to change. So rather than toss and turn in bed, I'm just gonna write, clear it out of my head, and hopefully find something to grab onto and pull me out of this hole.

 

Friday began a slide down a very slippery slope.   I had stayed up late the night before up with my son.  I actually felt good about myself for making a sacrifice.  I'm usually in bed around 8:30, but we stayed up until 11:00 working on his homework.  I felt like a good mom.  The next morning, I was so damn tired.... I missed my 5 am workout.  Got through a day of work and got home, and slipped right into bad habits.

 

i have this idea in my head, that most addicts have  generally socially acceptable addictions.  Coffee, cigarettes,  alcohol, even your standard drugs.  They can be real hazards to a persons life, and cause damage to not just a person themselves, but to everyone they care about around them. But they are somehow socially acceptable.   People accept that these things are addictive.   Sure some are innocent, like coffe, they can get progressively worse.  Some causing health issues, others wreaking havoc on others around the addict.  I know it's not a joking matter, but everyone generally accepts them as addictions.  I'm ashamed of my addiction: I read romance novels.  It looks funny on the surface.  But it is a source of so much shame for me, I don't even know where to begin to describe how I feel about it.  When I was younger, whether right or wrong, I valued myself as an intelligent person.  I was smart in school, got really good grades, I was well educated, cultured, well traveled for a teenager. I was an exchange student, I went to live in Paris for college, I spoke two foreign languages.  Sure I knew I wasn't perfect, but I felt good about the kind of person I was.  

I don't know what happened.  I got lost along the way, and I've been steadily walking down a road that just seems to be getting darker and darker.  

 

I used to go to the library and pick random books off the shelf to read. It was out 10 years ago that I happened to pick up a romance novel.  I'd never read one before....  Everything stopped for a day.   I didn't feel depressed, I was able to forget about all my problems, I didn't have to feel my own emotions.   I suppose anything could have triggered it, but apparently reading romance novels did it for me.  (Fantasy was my gateway drug of choice, but that's a whole other story).  It's gone down hill from there.  Every time I want to escape from my life, this is what I turn to.

 

I am a picture of Dorian Gray.  On the surface, everything looks fine.  Inside I feel like a twisted and deformed monster.  Something I don't even recognize anymore.  

 

Back to the addiction issue.  I read romance novels to the point where everything in my life gets shoved to the side.  It is my escape from a reality I don't want to face.  My indulgence of my childish emotional immaturity.  I know this.  I have fucking first world problems.  I'm hyper critical of my life, my job, my marriage, my family.  I'm so fucking selfish.  Self centered.  I will literally sit down with a book and read through the night.  My kids are hungry, and I tell them to eat some cheese sticks for dinner.  The house needs cleaning, but I get angry at my husband for not cleaning either, and so let it go ( because why should I put in the effort if he doesn't have to). And I sit and read, and read, and read.  Long into the night, losing out on sleep, letting my life pass me by,  because I am a self indulgent, emotionally immature person.   And I spend the next day struggling to catch up and little struggles become massive failures, and I crumble, and reach for my addiction to make all the pain go away again.   I'm even more ashamed because, it's not like I read anything of substance,  I am so embarrassed that I like these stupid books!  I'm embarssed to admit that I like them.   I hate that I like them.  

 

Im a classic addict.   I could go on for days analyzing it.  I've done enough therapy to understand what I'm dealing with, and what is happening to me.  I'm just so damned angry that I can't control it.  I'm ashamed that I don't have the strength to control it.  My kryptonite. 

 

I hate ate having a weakness.  

 

So friday night, I read, because I was angry for being tired, and angry because I missed my workout, and angry, that our friends invited us to spend the weekend with them (We'd said no a couple of times, and felt pressured to accept because their friendship IS important to us - but as I said, we are a family of selfish people that prefer to do our own things without being responsible for anyone or anything else).  I was angry that I couldn't spend time at home, after a long work week, doing the things I wanted or needed to be doing). We went to see our friends on Saturday, put on a smile, and honestly had a good time, even if it wasn't what I would have chosen to do.  When we got back on Sunday.  I was pouting about everything I felt like I had to catch up on, so I dropped everything and started reading again.  Another day wasted.  Monday, too tired to exercise.  Guilt rushes in, I go to work, plans go awry,  I fall apart again and spend another night reading......

 

My son's friend wakes us up in the middle of the night, and I am hit with feeling like a shit for a person.....  (I let my 11 year old son play host to his friend.   My guess is that this kid is not used to my sub-par parenting skills, and was homesick for a mom that is more nurturing and attentive). Because of everything that has happened in the last four days. Hating what I've allowed myself do do, hating the kind of person I let myself be.  How to put into words, the utter disgust I have when looking at myself in the mirror.....

 

i dont know  how to put into words the absolute and utter shame I feel that I can't control my tailspins.  I see them coming from a mile away.  It's like a fucking tsunami every damn time.  I stand on the beach, just watching it come in, completely helpless and frozen, stuck in the sand just watching this wave steadily come crashing over me.  I know, I KNOW, where safety lies.  I know where the high ground is.... And yet, I go to the beach over and over again.  

 

I feel like the evil character in a novel that started out with good intentions, but as time goes by, I have become more twisted and deformed, and ugly.   It's completely irrational.  But depression is not a rational thing. Itwists reality, like funhouse mirrors.  There is truth there, but it isn't quite what you think it is.  

 

... I feel better now. I just needed a reality check.  

I'm not worried about me.

I have a lot lot of coping mechanisms at my disposal.

 I've learned a lot about myself through therapy.  There are so many tools I have in my bag, and I know that this night will pass.  It just felt good to write for a while.....

 

 I might never have control of my life, but someday I'll be able to manage myself better.  

 

 

 

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Please don't apologize for venting, a lot of us do it on here, and it really does help. You are in good company.

 

I'm sorry you're going through these struggles. Addictions are bastards. One thing I noticed in your vent was the way you talk about yourself. You give yourself some very harsh labels, and those labels feed into your feelings that you are unworthy. I want to challenge you to stop labeling yourself selfish. That will begin to undo the self-fulfilling prophecy spiral you are in.

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Current Challenge

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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12 hours ago, naarasleijona said:

This probably isn't the place to do this

That is not correct.

12 hours ago, naarasleijona said:

It just felt good to write for a while

This is totally the place to do this.

 

Thank you for sharing.  I'm an addict too, and I completely sympathize with those feelings.  My addictions have never gone away, what I do is manage myself so that I don't engage in the activities any more.  It's been a long, difficult road to get as far as I've got, and I"m not done yet.  I say that to say this - it does get better.  At least, that's been my experience.  Keep hanging in, keep coming back here.  Coping and managing are skills that improve over time, yours will too.  We're here for you.

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  Level 45 Quasi-Human Ranger     

"Forget failure.  Forget mistakes.  Forget everything except what you're going to do NOW, and DO IT." - Lou Ferrigno

"Foxes Never Quit!"  -  Leicester City FC

KBO. - Churchill

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1) haven't done any family dinners.... So I'm still at a 2/4

2) didn't do my workouts on Friday or Monday, so I'm at 5/12

3) Ellie has been walked every day, so I'm now at 16/28

4) not enough chores on Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday.  Did them tonight so I'm at 11/28.   

 

Emotinal levels are are a bit more stable.....  Gonna try to get a good nights sleep tonight.....

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I think you have described addiction very well. The fact that we use it to escape reality. I think we have all been there at times. Agreeing with Tank (per usual) on the not labeling yourself as lazy. I've done that , where I feel overwhelmed by all I have to do, so instead just pick up a book and watch TV. The son may have felt homesick for a zillion reasons, none of which had anything to do with you. My son is grown now. But there were often times I felt bad about myself because I wasn't the super nurturing type person. But now my son is an independent responsible adult. He always felt loved, but he didn't expect me to always be there to entertain him either. I think you are right in saying that when you  read over doing what you need to do, you are escaping reality. But, on the balance side, if you are an introvert, some time spent recharging your batteries by being alone and reading isn't selfish.

 

Don't expect yourself to change your habits overnight. Maybe, when you feel that you want to escape to a book, set the timer for 15 minutes, do something on your to-do list for 15 minutes and then set the timer for 30 minutes, and give yourself permission to read.

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Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song, above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world" J.R.R.Tolkien

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long night.  This is a major crunch time at work, so I spend a lot of extra hours working in the evenings.  Didn't get home until after 8:00 PM

1) No dinner. still 2/4

2) did my workout in the morning.  Was like trying to convince a cat to swim, but I did it, and felt good about myself for it.  (workout mornings are always good, because at least I have something to feel good about! ;) ) 6/12

3) Ellie was walked by my husband because I wasn't home.  Have mixed feelings about this, but I'm counting it, because I made the effort to remind him, and I was doing the best I could despite the fact that my hands were tied)  17/28

4)  no chores done - went straight to bed when I got home, but I'm thinking I might do some extra things this weekend to make up the difference.....  We'll see how much energy I have.  I'm not gonna kill myself, but having a cleaner house would help my mental state too......   11/28

long night 

 

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2 hours ago, naarasleijona said:

workout in the morning

 

Good job getting it in!  I have plenty of days when I'd rather do anything than exercise, but it's always worth it when I'm done.  I'm glad you're feeling good about the win!

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  Level 45 Quasi-Human Ranger     

"Forget failure.  Forget mistakes.  Forget everything except what you're going to do NOW, and DO IT." - Lou Ferrigno

"Foxes Never Quit!"  -  Leicester City FC

KBO. - Churchill

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Yesterday was a mixed bag.....  Still a huge stress week at work,

 

1) no dinner - told everyone to be ready for dinner Friday night 2/4

2) not a workout day (thank god!) 7/12

3) My husband walked Ellie again, because I forgot about a parent meeting I had to go to for my son's school.....  didn't get home until 7PM, I'm counting it again, because I had to be organized about it and find an alternative.... 18/28

4) no chores done..... didn't get home until late and was too tired 11/28.

 

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So, gotta kind of double up here.  Yesterday was a busy work day.

 

1) made tacos and quesadillas for dinner on Friday.  Not extravagant, but dinner was consumed together as a family at one table. 3/4

2) did my Friday morning workout... Saturday isn't a workout day so I'm at 8/12

3) Ellie was walked Friday and Saturday.  On the way back home tonight I kind of shuffled/jogged.  I don't know if it was bad for my ankle, but I was happily surprised to not be winded.  I literally haven't moved at a faster pace than a walk since I started having ankle issues about 2 years ago.  Felt good to move! 20/28

4). I didn't do chores yesterday, but I doubled up today. 6 regular chores and 2 of the "today chores.,". I sat for a while yesterday, and decided that I need to give myself some credit for knowing my limits, but still pushing for a bit more when I can.  Very  rarely do my days run smoothly, and I need to built some flexibility into my new habits.  Being too ridged makes me feel like a failure.  So anywho, I'm giving myself the extra points today because I had the time and energy to catch up a bit.  13/28.

 

bonus points: I did a major cleaning of my garage.   Feels like I just won an epic battle ;) it took me 8 hours!

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well........  I've had a pretty tough week.

 

The only thing I've been able to do is walk Ellie everyday....

Haven't done any chores and I haven't done my workouts.

 

I'm stressed and tired, and falling back into old habits(stress eating).  I got hit by a wave of exhaustion (it happens sometimes... waiting for health coverage to kick in in October to see if  I can finally get a diagnosis for what is going on with me).  But I still am going to work on this challenge today and tomorrow.  

 

The reality is, is that I don't have good enough coping skills or techniques to handle the stress of work.  It carries over into the rest of my life, and I still can't find anything that satisfactorily addresses the tension and and desire to feel numb....  I knew this coming into the challenge.  Summers are easy, because I don't have the stress of work.  This week has been the hardest; it is every year.   The coping skills I had hoped would help, weren't quite enough.  

 

I've been reading online about dealing with stress at work, and I've tried as many different things as I can.  Stress causes exhaustion for me - in addition to the fatigue issues I have.  So I've been sleeping.... A LOT - most nights this past week I've been going to bed between 6 and 7 pm.  I finally feel like I may have caught up enough after last nights sleep.  

 

Not much left but to keep moving .....onward and upward........ ;) 

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Well,  kind of choked there at the end.  

The last week I didn't do any workouts

didn't do the last meal

Ellie was walked all except 1 day

And no chores were done the last day.

 

 

So that leaves me with:

1. Weekly dinner 3/4  = 75%

2. Workouts MWF  9/12 = 75%

3. Ellie Walks 27/28 = 96%

4. Chores 16/28 = 57% 

 

Not the greatest achievement ever, but I'm glad I finished.....  Have to seriously think about how my work obligations and time management affect the last week of August and the first week of September -  Might just have to make those blackout days and consider not having the ability to do much of anything other than work stuff and sleep.

 

:)  J  Looking forward to the next challenge!

 

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