Severine Should Start Listening...

[zeroh13]

Walking, I seem to have a short stride? My front leg is slightly bent and goes out about one foot length. My rear leg will lock out though. Especially when I first start.

 

I had a very brisk one mile walk in an attempt to get home from work before midnight. Like, I would have trouble holding a conversation brisk.

[Vibrantella]

Wow, those tomatoes look amazing! I love real toms, and cannot stand the mealy, unscented, winter-grown abominations we get in the UK (admittedly, only out of season; in season, some good ones can be found). I just hope you had some good EV olive oil with your lunch, to absorb all those fat-soluble vitamins...

Sent from my GT-P3110 using Tapatalk

[Dagger]

Those tomatoes looked delicious!

 

Also love the daily morning walk.

[fleaball]

So much adulting and general productivity in the last few posts. I'm jealous. And in awe.

[Dagger]

I did a thing: https://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/100836-learning-the-elements/&do=findComment&comment=2243400 

 

[Kvedulf]

Those tomatoes do look pretty good.

[NeverThatBored]

I ate some green tomatoes today in your honor.

[Severine]

On 9/4/2017 at 9:54 AM, Dagger said:

I did a thing: https://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/100836-learning-the-elements/&do=findComment&comment=2243400 

 

Like +3

 

36 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

I ate some green tomatoes today in your honor.

 

But were they green tomatoes as in unripe? Or green when ripe?? Totally different. Although, either way, good show.

[NeverThatBored]

7 minutes ago, Severine said:

 

Like +3

 

 

But were they green tomatoes as in unripe? Or green when ripe?? Totally different. Although, either way, good show.

 

I think they were green when ripe! At least, that's what I was going for.

[Severine]

First a bit of a rant.

 

D has a big extended family, and there are a lot of D's family events in our life. Since my family all lives in another country and L's family in another state, these events are basically all of our family interaction except for visits. I will be honest: it is not always great. Like, a non-trivial portion of my life is spent out in the forested outer suburbs of Boston practicing my Russian with a giant throng of extraordinarily tactless, nosy, but well-meaning (in some sense?) people who want to know when we'll buy a house in a "respectable" place and produce babies who will be good at math. They tell D he should be ashamed that I have a higher degree than he does and tell him that polo shirts make him look fat. He tells them that he doesn't give a shit about their opinions and thinks their values are shallow and then they laugh (they think our dislike of being insulted is ridiculous and a sign of our immaturity) and then there is a lot of smoked salmon and this gross pickled herring salad with beets and eggs and then sometimes some people start singing. 

 

D has absolutely zero tolerance for people treating me like crap, which I greatly appreciate and which also happens to be an absolutely essential requirement for me being in a relationship with someone. This has made it a lot easier because I have never been in the middle of anything or pressured to put up with crap in order to keep the peace. We did have to walk out of a few events and do a few other dramatic gestures but eventually people realized it was a hard line and now people don't mess with me, yay. But he, as their actual relative, is still fair game in their minds and it makes me angry to see the way they treat him even if he's really good at ignoring it.

 

It has gotten better over the years because of a great deal of exhausting work asserting boundaries on our part. Of course, our determination to assert boundaries about acceptable behaviour and our desire to have privacy are generally seen as a generational/cultural oddity or a sign of personal failings. But whatever, because it has made life slightly more pleasant. So now, on average, I can get through one of these events with nobody commenting on whether they think my jeans make my ass look good or bad, and people have stopped telling us that refusing to have children is selfish and makes our lives worthless. Victory! 

 

However! One non-trivial problem remains. These people have an apparent genetic inability to actually:

(a) plan family events in any sort of firm detail (NO, "we're doing something on the weekend" is not enough information for me to plan around)

(b) tell us about the plans at some sort reasonable time in advance (NO, calling us at 10am and telling us there's a lunch at 1 is not enough notice)

(c) stick to the bloody plans (NO, 7pm is not "basically the same" as 3pm)

 

Leading up to labour day weekend we had received vague intel that some sort of family things were happening. We called and texted to try to get details. Nope. And not only that, they think we're like...petty and OCD for wanting a set time? Because it makes it look like a family event is not the centerpiece of our weekend around which we are going to plan and arrange everything (spoiler: it's not!) and they think that's bad. I can't even tell you how surreal it is to call someone and ask them what time you should arrive for the lunch they invited you to and have them say, "why don't you relax and stop trying to control everything?" Like, WTF JUST TELL ME WHEN LUNCH IS.

 

Phew. Sorry. Thanks for reading.

[Severine]

Actual fitness and health things:

• Eating is waaaay better than it was. Yay! Except for today, which I am treating as a blip, I've been tracking my food, eating healthily, and eating at a suitable calorie deficit. Woot.
• Early morning walks are happening every day and are awesome. Such a good way to wake up. The approach of waking up and throwing on clothes and being outside within 5-10 minutes of waking is super effective for me.
• Meditation is still going (30 day streak!) and I am really noticing the benefits.
  • I really like the noting technique and have found it helpful even throughout the day. @NeverThatBored I think maybe you said the same thing?
• Therapy today was a really good session. We talked about the next step for me to start tackling some concrete stuff, as opposed to more exploratory talking which we've been focusing on up until now. So I have actual assignments now (not in a concrete on-paper sense, just some things I'm supposed to be trying out and observing my reaction to) and it's simultaneously scary and encouraging. Because the things she's asking me to try are vaguely terrifying for me but obviously that's because they're things I need to work on. I feel generally optimistic and kind of excited to see what happens and what change might come from it in the long term.

I wanted to start Elements over the long weekend but due to aforementioned family nonsense it didn't end up happening because by the time we were done with all of that my brain was fried and I just wanted to be semi-conscious and watch mindless Netflix for a few hours.

[Severine]

One last thought because I can't sleep: I was thinking about the next challenge and I think I am going to move on from the Rebel guild. (Gasp, I know). I'll still hang around and comment on the threads of everyone I know (obviously) and also try to engage with new people, but I think it's time I at least tried out another guild. And while there are elements of various guilds that appeal to me, I think the Rangers are probably the best fit. Partially because if you can't choose between the druids and the assassins and the adventurers and the rangers because you want to do some of the things all the different guilds do, well, that probably means you're a ranger

 

So I will be crashing your party next challenge, @NeverThatBored and @Tanktimus the Encourager and other ranger peeps.

[NeverThatBored]

Yesss, one of us! One of us! 

 

I love the noting technique! It's probably my favorite of the different headspace techniques. 

[Plazmotic]

9 hours ago, Severine said:

with a giant throng of extraordinarily tactless, nosy, but well-meaning (in some sense?) people who want to know when we'll buy a house in a "respectable" place and produce babies who will be good at math.

This sounds like the older relatives in my community too. But christ on a cracker D's family sounds insufferable af.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

8 hours ago, Severine said:

One last thought because I can't sleep: I was thinking about the next challenge and I think I am going to move on from the Rebel guild. (Gasp, I know). I'll still hang around and comment on the threads of everyone I know (obviously) and also try to engage with new people, but I think it's time I at least tried out another guild. And while there are elements of various guilds that appeal to me, I think the Rangers are probably the best fit. Partially because if you can't choose between the druids and the assassins and the adventurers and the rangers because you want to do some of the things all the different guilds do, well, that probably means you're a ranger

 

So I will be crashing your party next challenge, @NeverThatBored and @Tanktimus the Encourager and other ranger peeps.

Welcome to the Ranger Corps!

[Dagger]

2 hours ago, Plazmotic said:

christ on a cracker D's family sounds insufferable af.

Seconded.

[Severine]

Okay, one more family story/rant. 
 

Spoiler

There's a surprise family birthday party tomorrow for D's cousin, who is our age. It's at a gastropub. We've known about it for weeks because it's being planned and organized by his brother (yay for relatives our age having compatible schedule norms!) who also happens to be probably his best friend, knows him really well, etc. So far, pretty normal situation, right? Dude chooses place he knows his brother will like, invites family, family attends, birthday is had, happy ending. EXCEPT that's not how things work in this family.

 

D's aunt (these dudes' mum) decided a couple days ago she wanted to move the event to her house instead. Unilaterally, without asking her son who is organizing it. It apparently doesn't occur to her that her son, who is planning this whole thing, should get to have the event in the place he chose, booked, and organized, and which his brother will actually like. It apparently does not seem weird to her to hijack someone else's event, nor does she see a problem with changing the venue for an event a day or two before it happens. The most surreal thing is that, when her son said no, and said that it was not okay for her to do this, she got really offended and defensive. Her perspective is that her son is so unreasonable and inflexible and why is he being so stubborn about having things his way. Like...what???

 

Some of this particular situation is because of frugality/cultural stuff - our generation eats at restaurants and is sort of foodie-ish. We like gastropubs! But the older generation of this family is all about eating at home, never paying for restaurant food, etc. and they tend to dislike food that isn't the food they're used to, so they think restaurant food sucks and is a giant waste of money and that going out to eat is a sign of laziness and lack of virtue or something.

 

But it's also part of a larger pattern of value imperialism. Like, the older generation of this family completely fails to recognize other preferences or values or ways of doing things as valid different perspectives. They don't see it as a choice between different equally reasonable possibilities, they just see anything other than their way as wrong and misguided. So they see absolutely no problem with overruling other people's decisions, totally ignoring autonomy and preferences, because they're incapable of accepting the idea that another way of doing things might be equally as valid as theirs. 

 

 

On the bright side I think the family birthday party will be a good place to practice some of the things my therapist wants me to try out, so I'm kind of looking forward to that. Also D's cousins are genuinely cool people and I like hanging out with them.

 

Didn't walk this morning because I only slept two hours last night and slept through the alarm and L (benevolently) didn't wake me up. Had kind of a nervous/anxious day and I bet part of it was the lack of walking. Want to get a walk in tonight before bed to compensate.

[NeverThatBored]

Woooow, you really aren't kidding about how difficult D's family is!

[fleaball]

20 hours ago, Severine said:

One last thought because I can't sleep: I was thinking about the next challenge and I think I am going to move on from the Rebel guild. (Gasp, I know). I'll still hang around and comment on the threads of everyone I know (obviously) and also try to engage with new people, but I think it's time I at least tried out another guild. And while there are elements of various guilds that appeal to me, I think the Rangers are probably the best fit. Partially because if you can't choose between the druids and the assassins and the adventurers and the rangers because you want to do some of the things all the different guilds do, well, that probably means you're a ranger

 

So I will be crashing your party next challenge, @NeverThatBored and @Tanktimus the Encourager and other ranger peeps.

*proud sobbing over rebels leaving the nest or some shit*

[Dagger]

If I had relatives like that, I'd let the relatives meet at his mother's place and then all the young ones would be at the restaurant and his mother would be like: what happened?  But that is wishful thinking because I probably wouldn't do that in real life. Like deceive that, of course, we can move the venue, but not really. 

[Severine]

4 hours ago, Dagger said:

If I had relatives like that, I'd let the relatives meet at his mother's place and then all the young ones would be at the restaurant and his mother would be like: what happened?  But that is wishful thinking because I probably wouldn't do that in real life. Like deceive that, of course, we can move the venue, but not really. 

 

I am SO GOOD at imagining badass responses to things that I would never have the guts to pull off in real life.

 

Let's say someone is being a dick to me. In my imagination this is me:

Look at imaginary Severine, taking a stand! Not putting up with this bullshit! She's cool, she's clever, she doesn't let people walk all over her!

 

Here is actual Severine:

Actual Severine is far more likely to smile, apologize for or soften any complaint she makes, and worry excessively about the feelings and opinions of the person she has to tell off for being a dick.

[Dagger]

That is so me too.

[PollyannaAgain]

14 hours ago, Severine said:

Okay, one more family story/rant. 
 

  Hide contents

There's a surprise family birthday party tomorrow for D's cousin, who is our age. It's at a gastropub. We've known about it for weeks because it's being planned and organized by his brother (yay for relatives our age having compatible schedule norms!) who also happens to be probably his best friend, knows him really well, etc. So far, pretty normal situation, right? Dude chooses place he knows his brother will like, invites family, family attends, birthday is had, happy ending. EXCEPT that's not how things work in this family.

 

D's aunt (these dudes' mum) decided a couple days ago she wanted to move the event to her house instead. Unilaterally, without asking her son who is organizing it. It apparently doesn't occur to her that her son, who is planning this whole thing, should get to have the event in the place he chose, booked, and organized, and which his brother will actually like. It apparently does not seem weird to her to hijack someone else's event, nor does she see a problem with changing the venue for an event a day or two before it happens. The most surreal thing is that, when her son said no, and said that it was not okay for her to do this, she got really offended and defensive. Her perspective is that her son is so unreasonable and inflexible and why is he being so stubborn about having things his way. Like...what???

 

Some of this particular situation is because of frugality/cultural stuff - our generation eats at restaurants and is sort of foodie-ish. We like gastropubs! But the older generation of this family is all about eating at home, never paying for restaurant food, etc. and they tend to dislike food that isn't the food they're used to, so they think restaurant food sucks and is a giant waste of money and that going out to eat is a sign of laziness and lack of virtue or something.

 

But it's also part of a larger pattern of value imperialism. Like, the older generation of this family completely fails to recognize other preferences or values or ways of doing things as valid different perspectives. They don't see it as a choice between different equally reasonable possibilities, they just see anything other than their way as wrong and misguided. So they see absolutely no problem with overruling other people's decisions, totally ignoring autonomy and preferences, because they're incapable of accepting the idea that another way of doing things might be equally as valid as theirs. 

 

If you weren't so far away, I'd wonder if this were my family... O.o You explained that last part so well, it's like you've been to all our family (dys)functions.  

[Severine]

I just got an email from my friend's girlfriend (who I also know, and like, but definitely nevertheless he's the one who's my good friend) about an event they're inviting us to. And I responded with answers to the questions she asked, and as the email sent I noticed he wasn't even CC'ed on the email.

 

And it hit me: it's that fucking thing. Now that he has a girlfriend, all of the social planning for them as a couple has become her job. 

 

I know this happens for a variety of reasons. My friend has always sort of sucked at remembering to keep in touch and make plans, and he's relieved when she's willing to take it over. And she's better at it (largely because she was socialized to believe it was her job). She wants to help him see his friends more, which is good for him! So she takes on the role of helping him to maintain his relationships. A while ago, I got a card in the mail from "them" but it was all in her handwriting and I guarantee you he had nothing to do with it. Her intentions are good, and he's just being himself. So nobody's to blame, exactly, but it's still dumb. The social expectation that managing relationships/feelings is a lady job makes things worse for everyone in the long run.

 

Because, the end result? His already shitty skills at friendship maintenance are going to get worse. He'll get used to the idea that socializing just sort of exists in his life without him needing to do anything to make it happen. And then, if they break up, he'll suck more than he did before so the chances of our friendship petering out increase. And like, I like this girl! She's interesting and easy to talk to! What happens if I become her friend, too, and then when they break up, she's the only one who texts me?

 

Even in my relationship I see this happening a bit - I am definitely the social convener in this house. Not just event planning (which I do 80% of) but making sure D and L remember their friends' and family's birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Or making comments like, "Didn't X start that new job/have the baby/buy a house this month? You should text and see how they're doing!" I definitely am the most social person here so the event planning thing actually makes sense - I want to do more stuff, so I plan more stuff. But the reminders? I shouldn't feel pressure to make sure D's grandfather or L's nephew gets a birthday phone call, but I do.

 

I've seen a wide variety of articles like this one and this one about this phenomenon. As a society we really need to wake up about this. Everyone needs social contact and it's incredibly harmful to everyone to raise kids to believe that relationship stuff is for girls to worry about. It means more work for the women and more loneliness for the dudes.

 

Severine's PSA: don't die lonely! Text a friend today!

[Severine]

Also, not sure why the back half of this challenge has turned into me ranting about stuff, but I think at this point I'm just rolling with it.