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Severine Should Start Listening...


Severine

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On 06/09/2017 at 4:56 AM, Severine said:

D has a big extended family, and there are a lot of D's family events in our life

Sorry I had to laugh, but that's because D's family is my family :D (not Russian, but another Eastern European with a cyrillic scipt) - I do feel for Mr V (although he has been adopted as an honorary family member, and sometimes I think my family love him more than they love me!).  Even the timing issue is similar - we are always the first to arrive to a family gathering, and when hosting I tell them to arrive 2 hours before things will be ready as they will be at least 2 hours late....

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1 hour ago, Severine said:

Now that he has a girlfriend, all of the social planning for them as a couple has become her job. 

 

AHHHHH FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.

 

My husband expects me to do this with his family, it’s irritating af. I deeply dislike calling/texting his parents or sister to ask them about event planning and birthdays and such, if he asks me to I will rebut with “no... it’s YOUR family, YOU call them”. Only exception is if we’re in the car and he’s driving, I’ll do it then but never ever otherwise.

 

1 hour ago, Severine said:

A while ago, I got a card in the mail from "them" but it was all in her handwriting and I guarantee you he had nothing to do with it.

I write on all the cards we give both our families because his writing is weird (he's one of those ALL CAPS writers), but in return I always put his name last at the sign off. Another card related rant: I love making homemade cards, as an extension of my scrapbooking hobby, been doing it for years. But in the last year my husband noticed I'd make a homemade card for my mom or dad's birthday and not one for his parents, and asked could I please make cards for them too? Had to explain that I didn't always make cards for my own family, I make them depending on whether I had the free time or not. Also, that I'm not here to make him look good without him putting any effort into the project. YOU CAN'T RIDE MY COAT TAILS. :P

 

To be fair, I suck at remembering important dates and birthdays, that's what my husband excels at. I'd forget our anniversary if it wasn't for him, LOL.

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<--- is a bad friend. I don't have a lot of friends (which is multiplied by the fact that I don't work locally), so I don't necessarily keep up with people well. I don't celebrate a lot of holidays, so I don't text people to wish them happy days, and I don't remember birthdays well. Luckily, my husband has friends that he keeps in touch with regularly, so I just ride his coattails. He is also the more social of the two of us (regardless of number of friends), so he is the one who does the texting / keeping up.

 

We've also established that, as his family is local, it is his responsibility to invite his parents to events and occasions. Although, we do laugh because he talks to my brothers more than I do and I talk to his brother more than he does. Part of the reason he does most of the conversing with his parents is that we want to make sure we come across as a united front (because his mother and I have different ideas about raising children). 

 

I also definitely feel you on the MIL / vacation thing! This is the second year in a row we've gone on vacation with my in-laws and I am 100% over it. We've already told my MIL that next year, our vacation will be to visit my parents in Florida - not a group vacation. She is one of those planners who has to have things to do every day, then she gets the kids (mainly the girls) into a frenzy in regards to wanting / having to do things all the time instead of enjoying vacation. 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

<--- is a bad friend. I don't have a lot of friends (which is multiplied by the fact that I don't work locally), so I don't necessarily keep up with people well. I don't celebrate a lot of holidays, so I don't text people to wish them happy days, and I don't remember birthdays well. Luckily, my husband has friends that he keeps in touch with regularly, so I just ride his coattails. He is also the more social of the two of us (regardless of number of friends), so he is the one who does the texting / keeping up.

 

It's funny because it's hard for me even to define what a good friendship is like because I have such different paradigms with different people. Like I have some friends where we're in pretty regular contact and stay up to date about each other's lives and that feels like a key part of the friendship, and I bet if we fell out of touch, the friendship would fade. But I have one friend who I met because L went to grad school with him, who I only talk to maybe twice a year (he lives far away) but when we do see each other it's for a visit of 3-4 days and it always feels like we just picked right up from where we left off, as if we'd been talking all along. There's a really strong connection and we can talk about anything and in general we're just really compatible and comfortable. And I feel totally confident that if I needed to talk I could call anytime out of the blue and he'd listen and care.

 

In some sense I tend to think of the second type of friendship as stronger. Like if a friendship still feels real and important to both parties without regular maintenance, it's hardier somehow? But that sort of friendship doesn't happen instantly, so you have to go through some initial period of spending time together and showing interest in concrete ways. Plus, even though those types of friends are great and hopefully life-long, you also want at least some friends you can see/talk to more regularly just because it's great for day to day life. I don't know. I feel like friendship is really important and worth cultivating but I also feel like I don't really understand how it works.

 

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Part of the reason he does most of the conversing with his parents is that we want to make sure we come across as a united front (because his mother and I have different ideas about raising children). 

 

Just wanted to say how smart this is. My friend is the dad in a blended family and his wife's parents have very old-fashioned ideas about masculinity and the role of a father, and have a lot of unflattering opinions about the fact that he cooks and cleans (which of course his wife loves!) and works in a traditionally female job (he's an oncology nurse). I have suggested basically your same tactic to him, but I think he feels like it'd be backing down, or abandoning his wife to fix the problem or something? Or maybe he feels like he can get through to them? Who knows, but it's like pouring energy into a bottomless pit.

 

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I also definitely feel you on the MIL / vacation thing! This is the second year in a row we've gone on vacation with my in-laws and I am 100% over it. We've already told my MIL that next year, our vacation will be to visit my parents in Florida - not a group vacation. She is one of those planners who has to have things to do every day, then she gets the kids (mainly the girls) into a frenzy in regards to wanting / having to do things all the time instead of enjoying vacation. 

 

Yeah, on a vacation to a place you're going specifically for the local attractions, I get this a lot more. Like in Paris I want to do certain things I can't do anywhere else, and so a busier pace makes sense because the Louvre and the catacombs etc. are worth it. But on a beach house vacation where the whole POINT is to relax and not have a set schedule, I get really antsy when people want to pack in as much as possible.

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No one in my family really plans anything. Except me, sometimes. Rarely. Mostly just special events with my family. Like, I'll text my dad to ask him about coming down for birthdays/holidays. I'm pretty sure he'd completely forget if I didn't. And he's made the same food the past several times we've gone down...

 

My wife never plans anything, she just waits to get invited out. 

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Hoping you had an extended family-free weekend this time!

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End of challenge was pretty solid! I started my certification course on Saturday and it was also quite good but between that and (more) family stuff on Sunday it meant I didn't have much of a weekend. And I was stupid and went to see IT on Sunday, and it gave me nightmares so I didn't sleep last night sooooo I am on my way to bed despite it being 8:30.

 

Will do a challenge wrap-up post tomorrow and hopefully also get my new thread up.

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Today in happy coincidences: my 2018 Hobonichi arrived today (yay!) and look at what it said on the box:

 

rSqhUw2.png

 

Damn straight, Hobonichi. That's the plan.

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Challenge report!

 

Meditation: 100%

Exercise: 79%

Food Tracking: 40%

Morning Routine: 73%

Productivity: 79%

Therapy: 100%

Daily Reporting: 67%

 

Overall not bad? Obviously food tracking was the real failure, which is no great surprise because eating properly has always been the hardest thing for me. One of the reasons my next challenge focuses pretty heavily on food.

 

Really pleased about getting 100% on meditation and therapy. I feel like I've made a lot of progress with mindset stuff this challenge, actually. 

 

I'd like to get more consistent with morning routine and exercise (which go together for me) but I feel like I'm at least doing okay.

 

A couple things I want to change for next challenge:

  • The daily reporting thing ended up being a bit weird in that I didn't really feel like a post about the actual numbers each day was useful or what I was going for. The idea was just to keep me reporting regularly. So for next challenge I think my goal will be to post on the forums every day, but it's okay if I post on someone else's thread for a given day instead of mine. And it's fine if my posts on my thread are of a more general nature instead of challenge specific stuff.
  • The bonus points were supposed to reward me for being persistent on difficult days, but it ended up with this weird situation where I kind of felt like I was missing out on points if I had a good eating day and didn't have to resist a binge, or if I had a day where I felt productive and so didn't get a bonus point for forcing myself to something I didn't want to do. If anyone has any ideas for how to accomplish the good intent without the distorting side effect, I'm open to suggestions.

Next challenge (with the rangers!) isn't up yet but I'll link to it once I post it.

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I don't have advice for the bonus points, mostly because I haven't really tried them myself.

 

Sounds like a successful challenge. Seems like your theme with your grandma helped you? That is awesome. Any time a theme helps that is great. :)

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2 hours ago, Dagger said:

Sounds like a successful challenge. Seems like your theme with your grandma helped you? That is awesome. Any time a theme helps that is great. :)

 

Yeah, I think it genuinely helped! It helped me feel a tangible connection between the goals I was working on and my core values. Do you know what I mean? Like it's one thing to have a list of goals but it's another to viscerally understand why those goals matter, to feel connected to them and invested in them. Makes it much easier to stay motivated, at least for me.

 

Plus I was able to use a few little tricks when I felt blah in a particular moment - reminding myself of something she had done that inspired me, or something she used to say when we were kids, for example, was often a lot more effective in getting me moving than my usual self-motivation strategies.

 

It was also a nice chance to reflect on my relationship with my Grandma and revisit some old memories.

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Yeah, I get it. I definitely see more of that happening for me in the future too, especially now that I better understand what motivates me.

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Introduction (where I started, May 2016) ~*~ NF Character (dormant)

 

 Progress as a Nomad: Battle log where I do my own challenges

Useful posts on my battle log: Useful Links and Travel Schedule, Future Challenge IdeasGoals for 2017 as a whole, Assorted Goals (not on rotation), Elements W1D1, Last Quarter Goals

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Wahoo meditation! I'm glad the challenge went well for you. Food is always the hardest thing. 

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Dude when did your title change? And what's the story behind it? I clearly missed something.

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3 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Dude when did your title change? And what's the story behind it? I clearly missed something.

 

Your timing is funny because I just noticed it today. It goes back to a thing on one of @Sylvaa's threads...

 

 

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1 minute ago, Severine said:

 

Your timing is funny because I just noticed it today. It goes back to a thing on one of @Sylvaa's threads...

 

 

okay, I thought it sounded vaguely familiar. I wonder when it happened.

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Level 69 Battle Kitten

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Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

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