The Silver Archer: The Fire Within

[SkyGirl]

THE SILVER ARCHER

Chapter 4: The Fire Within

 

 

My father touched my shoulder reassuringly as I pushed against the massive oaken door of the scriptorium. The cavernous room was shrouded in dusty pink evening light, with one shaft of golden sunlight streaming through the high window, softly illuminating the shelves of parchments, meandering across the stone pillars and the red banners hanging from the ceiling.

 

At its end, sitting quietly in the pool of of light, was the Elder - the powerful old man who led the island community's rebellion against the mainland, both politically and spiritually. My heart beat faster when I saw him. The first time he had captured me, he had worn a looping red garment hung around his lean chest and shoulders; but tonight he wore a simple white tunic over his short pants, emphasizing the pure whiteness of his hair; and he was barefoot. 

 

He did not look up as I softly walked into the room. "Come in, Sky Elvenword," he said, his formerly harsh voice lowered to a throaty grumble. "I know you're there."

 

I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders, stepping partway into the scriptorium. "I've come for my Bow, Elder."

 

"I know you have." He looked up and closed his book briskly, his intensely blue eyes almost glowing in the dim light. "Congratulations on defeating your nemesis once again. Your powers have advanced significantly since the last time you met him - many years in my future, of course."

 

I shifted my feet, feeling uncomfortably chilly under his penetrating gaze. "Sir, my mission was to find out why you and your people are rebelling against the mainland, and if I could, to resolve the conflict. The Dark Elf has preyed on the grievances of your culture to stir up hatred and anger in your hearts. It is my hope that his banishment to the underworld will allow you to resolve your differences peacefully."

 

The Elder's mouth twisted into a wry smile and he shook his head slowly. "Young troublemaker, you are not one of us and you do not understand us. The power of Caranthir Aranwas only enhanced the anger we already carry in our hearts toward our oppressors. His death means less to us than it does to you. Your mission is of a different kind than ours - you serve the King with peace and love and healing, but we cannot afford to love or be at peace with our enemies. We must have war."

 

Intuition stirred in my heart and I moved closer to the old man, reaching out toward him. "Sir, the King does not want war among His people - He wants all of us to fight together, against the Dark Elf and his dark masters. Hatred and anger are not His way."

 

Though the Elder must have known what I was doing, he did not move or take his eyes off mine as I stretched out my hand and gently placed it on his forehead, praying for the King's healing power to rise and fill his mind. But instead of the familiar sweet warmth flowing from my fingertips, a hostile power forced its way back down my arms for the second time that day - something hot, that filled my insides with a burning and an acrid stench. I gasped out loud and tore my hand away; but the heat and pain increased, searing the inside of my body as I fell to my knees, as if a fire were raging inside me.

 

"This is the third of the four life-wounds you must carry, Sky Elvenword," the Elder's voice echoed in my ears as I wrapped my bandaged arms around my burning torso. "Each of them has a purpose, and each of them will be glorified by the King at the end of this age. The first was the scar-galaxy on your arm, where the blood of the Dark Elf splashed across it - this is your fear of the future and your fear of failure. The second was the gash across your forehead, dealt by Tobias the hobbit - this is your fear of others and their words. This is the third, the burning - it is your anger, your feelings of betrayal and loss. But the burning will be glorified, Sky Elvenword - this fire will be purified into a glorious light that illuminates all of your doubts about your identity and your purpose. This is the fire that will drive you homeward to the Undying Lands."

 

The heat was so intense that I could not even cry; but it slowly receded, leaving a deep, shuddering sickness in its place. I hung low to the ground, gasping and choking on the smoky stench, as the old man continued: "And the fourth wound is inside you even now - it is the shard. When you attacked the Dark Elf earlier today, you did so, not to glorify the King, but to prove your own power and strength. Because of this, when he forced his powers inside you, they bonded with your own, creating a tiny shard of glassy ice deep inside your heart. From this day on, whenever you use your powers to bring glory or comfort to yourself, that shard will prick you on the inside and you will bleed." He paused. "The shard cannot be glorified. But one day, it will be removed."

 

I felt brittle and charred as I slowly sat back on my knees and looked hazily up at the old man. He was still the same belligerent, husky warrior I had met that morning; but the fading sun touched his white hair with a sort of glow as he prophesied. I moved my parched lips to form words: "Who are you?"

 

A hint of a smile flickered across his face. "I am the Elder," he said simply. "I make war, and I wound and kill, and I light fires in the hearts of young warriors. Even though I must expel you from my country so I may continue to fight my battles, I am glad I was chosen to light this fire inside you. You and I are different, Sky; but we will travel together to the Undying Lands one day."

 

He turned to open a secret compartment in the heavy table and pulled out my bow and quiver, which he pressed gently into my hands. I dared to look up into his eyes once more. They were still frighteningly blue, but a bit warmer, like the ocean that lay between the island and the temple. He reached out to touch my face.

 

"Great hardships and deep questions await you in the next part of your journey, young troublemaker," he said quietly. "Your future is uncertain to me; I do not know how long you will be in this world, or where you will go when you return to your home. Each of these four scars will continue to pain you and hinder you as you grow stronger and closer to becoming a Protector. But as you partake of the King's Vial and learn from His people, these scars will become ornaments, through which the King's brightest light can shine."

 

I slowly stumbled to my feet and lifted my bow and quiver to my throbbing shoulders. As I turned to walk slowly out the door, he added: "And whether in this time or your own, if you ever need a purpose and a flag to fight for, there is always a place for you in my army."

[Rhovaniel]

Excellent writing as always, Sky!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Goosebumps again.

[Maggie-Miau]

*Settles in to revel in this latest installment* Magnificent as always!

[starpuck]

Here!  Listening and watching all like ....

[Infinity.Creates]

Utterly masterful as always! 

[SkyGirl]

Wellp, I couldn't quite get my challenge goals settled before I hit the conference trail again, this time a trek to the Windy City:

 

 

I am most decidedly not a city person, and all the sirens and honking earlier were giving me strange anxious terrors; but it's pretty quiet right now, so hopefully it stays that way.

 

I will keep thinking about my challenge goals tomorrow in between the whirlwind of sessions and lunches and handshaking and daydreaming about the day when I'm finally a real journalist ...  

[Rhovaniel]

Have fun at the conference!

[starpuck]

OMG YOU ARE IN MY STATE!  

(Also, I hate the city... I refuse to go there most of the time.)

I am waving hello to you from a mere 13 miles west!  

 

WHAT UP!! SUBURBIA CALLING, YO!

[SkyGirl]

5 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

Have fun at the conference!

 

I am having a lot of fun so far! I was a bit worried yesterday because none of the sessions really interested me very much, but this morning I got up early and went to a neat session on using images properly and responsibly in news and public relations, and that got me very excited!  

 

28 minutes ago, Starpuck said:

OMG YOU ARE IN MY STATE!  

(Also, I hate the city... I refuse to go there most of the time.)

I am waving hello to you from a mere 13 miles west!  

 

WHAT UP!! SUBURBIA CALLING, YO!

 

HAIII STARPUCK!!!!

 

 

 

I AM SO CLOSE TO YOU THIS IS FANTASTIC!!! 

 

The city is looking much better in the morning light ... cities at night give me the heebie-jeebies, but I am up in my hotel room right now looking at all the people busy doing things, and that's pretty cool.   I would still much prefer to be out enjoying the quiet (flat) Illinois countryside, though ...  

[Dusk]

Hai  following!

[SkyGirl]

I am safely home from my conference!!

 

 

It was an incredible experience, and I need to spend some time over the next few days going over my notes and figuring out exactly what I learned ... I think I want to entirely redo my thesis project based on some things I thought about while I was there, but I have a looooooot of reading and thinking to do before that point.

 

-------------

 

WEEK ONE

mission: shape up

 

So basically, my major professor very gently and sensitively told me that she's sick of my shenanigans (lateness, procrastination, self-martyrdom, not sleeping) and she wants me to shape up and act like an adult so I get my work done and keep my grades up. To a certain extent, I know she's right. So I am going to leverage the power of Habitica to intentionally build some better habits that will prepare me for the start of classes next week.

 

So for this week, before classes, I'm starting with these goals:

 

- Go to the gym 3x/week. I get points every time I go to the gym, it's that simple. Each gym trip is worth 0.5 STR, 0.25 DEX, 0.25 STA, and 0.25 CON. So 12 gym trips = +6 STR, +3 DEX, +3 STA, and +3 CON. Easy to calculate.

 

- Get up early. I want to start getting up between 6 and 7 so I can get to campus by 8AM every day except Monday and Wednesday, my night class days. Three 8AM days per week = 12 8AM days in a month. Twelve successful days = +3 STA, +3 CON, and +3 WIS.

 

- Go to bed. This one is the natural precursor to the previous one.  I must be in bed by 12AM on the same 3 days as my 8AM days. So 12 successful days = +3 STA, +3 CON, and +3 WIS.. Yes, we've got some major points going on here.

 

But in addition to these, classes start next week; and I will add to my goals or change them as I need to starting in Week 2. I also have some one-time tasks that are so important I might assign points to them ... more thinking on that tomorrow.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

7 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

So basically, my major professor very gently and sensitively told me that she's sick of my shenanigans (lateness, procrastination, self-martyrdom, not sleeping) and she wants me to shape up and act like an adult so I get my work done and keep my grades up. To a certain extent, I know she's right. So I am going to leverage the power of Habitica to intentionally build some better habits that will prepare me for the start of classes next week.

I think you know what I'm going to suggest here. I'm going to leave it unsaid for the moment.

[SkyGirl]

2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I think you know what I'm going to suggest here. I'm going to leave it unsaid for the moment.

 

I'm guessing it has something to do with boundaries .......

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

 

I'm guessing it has something to do with boundaries .......

[starpuck]

To quote Oramac, quoting Tanktimus.

"Also, I Agree With Tank™"

 

I like the way you're approaching the sleep goals.   I have been fighting with those too.   It doesn't help that my Fitbit always tells me I sleep crappy, and I am just not willing to put more hours in bed to achieve an actual 8 sleeping hours.   Maybe I should ditch the Fitbit at night for a while.  Hmmm.

[SkyGirl]

9 hours ago, Starpuck said:

To quote Oramac, quoting Tanktimus.

"Also, I Agree With Tank™"

 

I like the way you're approaching the sleep goals.   I have been fighting with those too.   It doesn't help that my Fitbit always tells me I sleep crappy, and I am just not willing to put more hours in bed to achieve an actual 8 sleeping hours.   Maybe I should ditch the Fitbit at night for a while.  Hmmm.

 

I always think I don't notice my Fitbit when I sleep, but then when I take it off, I actually do sleep better ... it's like I notice it catching on the sheets or my clothes, just beneath the surface of my consciousness.

 

And yes, I think pretty much the Ranger motto is "Also, I Agree With Tank™" ...  

[SkyGirl]

*happy kindergartner voice* I did a good job observing boundaries today! I was approached by several classmates who wanted to come talk to me while I was working (we all work in a large group area full of cubicles; I don't have my own private office), and while initially I took my headphones off or got up to chat, I remembered to be disciplined and politely told them I would catch up with them later. I also avoided checking Facebook or NF more than a couple of times while I was working. It was mainly because I was on a really hard deadline and my professor and I were both freaked out; but still, it was a good feeling to be disciplined and say "not now".

 

Unfortunately, I did not exhibit as much discipline in my eating ... I didn't think this was Hungry Hippo week, but I have eaten like a teenage football player these last two days. I will try to do better tomorrow, but today I ate enough sugar to start a confections factory.     I also could not get to the gym, because I had to stay at the office late to finish my project before its midnight deadline. However, tomorrow I will get up early, I will carefully plan what I am going to eat, and I will dress to go to the gym right after work. I will get up and I will try again.

 

And I must find some time to think about my thesis ... almost all of my classmates have at least finished designing their projects, and many of them are already well into the data collection phase. I haven't even finalized my design yet. The problem is that my major professor is a brand-new professor herself, just out of grad school, and she has far too much on her plate to give me much help in my own research. It's pretty much up to me. If I can find a time and place to barricade myself somewhere and force myself to focus - leave my computer and phone somewhere else, and sit down with only pen and paper and books - then I might make some progress. But I feel so terribly daunted by the thought of everything and I'm not sure where to start. 

 

Maybe tomorrow I will talk with one of my other mentors and see if he has some guidance ... for now, I need to head for bed so I can check off my goal on Habitica.  

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

9 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

. But I feel so terribly daunted by the thought of everything and I'm not sure where to start. 

I know this feeling. The task seems so overwhelming the mind chooses not to start. You are going to eat that elephant, and you're going to do it one bite at a time, so you might as well just stab your fork in anywhere and start chewing. Getting something, even something relatively unimportant, done will get you past the "I don't know where to start" panic.

 

Also, I'm very proud of you for practicing boundaries today, well done.

[SkyGirl]

Today was supposed to be a getting-up-early day, but one of my neighbors decided to smoke a cigarette inside his apartment at 4:20AM, filling the entire building with the stench and waking me up out of a sound sleep. Because it was so hot in our apartment as well, it took me a while to get back to sleep, and once I did, I didn't sleep well ... so I woke up very late and feeling very heavy and groggy.

 

I did, however, get to the gym today and completed some combat reps for the mini, which is good; and I completed a lot of work for my other professor, too, which was also good. Tomorrow I have to finish two projects, if I can; and in the afternoon, I have a hair appointment - I was initially going to dye all of my hair bright turquoise, but I have a very important meeting on Thursday with a professor who may be on my graduate committee, so I'd probably better not go into that meeting with blue hair.    I'm going to dye the underneath layer blue, and leave it blonde on top. I'll post a pic if it turns out nicely.

 

Speaking of posting pics, I've been feeling really discouraged with how I look lately - someone posted a picture of me on Facebook a couple of weeks ago in which my arms looked so terribly heavy, and I admit I felt like all my hard work has been for naught. My actual weight has held steady for several months at 114, and my clothing size is the same, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I still look ... pudgy, I guess? Not lean or fit at all. I'd love to exercise harder or start restricting calories again, but I also don't want to compromise my muscle gains. So ... I don't know.

 

For now, I am going to try to get some sleep in our terribly hot apartment, and get up early to tackle the day tomorrow!!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Body image can be tough. It doesn't matter what any one else thinks when you are feeling negative about your body. We can all tell you how amazing you are and it won't change the way you feel. The only way to get through it is to consciously decide to love yourself no matter how you look.

[Infinity.Creates]

The hair dye sounds really cool! Defs pictures please

Sorry about the crappy nights sleep, and congrats on doing so well for work and exercise! 

 

As for getting things done, for me lists work really well. Just sitting down for ten minutes and writing everything I need to do that comes to mind. If I'm still feeling daunted, I'll estimate the length of time to do each of them, and a number for how important they are. Then I'll do the most important that takes the least time. And so on depending on my energy levels.

 

I get what you mean about photos. I hate full body shots because I hate the silhouette my body makes. But for me I learnt to not care as much as being strong, as being capable. In Korea it's really hard because everyone tends to be really slim and I noticed that I have started to compare myself more and drop into negative thoughts, but I just have to tell my brain that those thoughts don't matter. I should only be using them as an impetus to do better, eat better, etc. 

[SkyGirl]

On 8/16/2017 at 9:30 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Body image can be tough. It doesn't matter what any one else thinks when you are feeling negative about your body. We can all tell you how amazing you are and it won't change the way you feel. The only way to get through it is to consciously decide to love yourself no matter how you look.

 

Well, you know, I was thinking about it today, and I think I realized why I feel different - because of my conference travels over the last 3 weeks, I have barely gone to the gym at all. Only 3 or 4 times over 3 weeks - that's definitely long enough to see a little bit of regression, especially since I didn't really restrict my calories during that time. So I'm confident that watching what I eat and getting back into my gym routine will bring me back to normal in a little while.  

 

And in the larger picture, you're right; and what usually helps me is a) remembering that health and fitness are an ongoing journey, not a destination, so it's natural that I'll see some fluctuations and changes in myself over the course of months and years; and b.) if I got myself looking the way I want once, then I can do it again. I am strong and capable, and I know how to treat my body right to keep it full of energy and vitality. And ultimately, that's what matters more than looking a certain way.

 

19 hours ago, IAmInfinite said:

The hair dye sounds really cool! Defs pictures please

Sorry about the crappy nights sleep, and congrats on doing so well for work and exercise! 

 

As for getting things done, for me lists work really well. Just sitting down for ten minutes and writing everything I need to do that comes to mind. If I'm still feeling daunted, I'll estimate the length of time to do each of them, and a number for how important they are. Then I'll do the most important that takes the least time. And so on depending on my energy levels.

 

I get what you mean about photos. I hate full body shots because I hate the silhouette my body makes. But for me I learnt to not care as much as being strong, as being capable. In Korea it's really hard because everyone tends to be really slim and I noticed that I have started to compare myself more and drop into negative thoughts, but I just have to tell my brain that those thoughts don't matter. I should only be using them as an impetus to do better, eat better, etc. 

 

I tried to take a selfie today of my hair and you couldn't see much - I'll see if my sis will take a picture of me tomorrow!  

 

For keeping on top of everything, I've actually been doing really well with Habitica - it's a nice place to have several lists going at once, and plus I get fun digital trinkets when I check off my items.   Yesterday I bought my little avatar a new healer's robe and an amethyst tiara and was so excited!!

 

It's interesting that you brought up living in Korea - we have a very large contingent of students from China, South Korea, and other Asian countries at my university; and yes, most of them, the ladies especially, have very slender, delicate frames. So I do compare myself to them a lot too (and it does me no favors!). But I was thinking about what you said today, actually, and using my dissatisfaction to fuel my determination to get back in line - I made some concrete plans to go back to my older, smaller lunch routine and incorporate more cardio into my workouts for the next few months. Thank you for your encouragement and advice!!  <3  <3  <3

[Maggie-Miau]

12 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

For keeping on top of everything, I've actually been doing really well with Habitica - it's a nice place to have several lists going at once, and plus I get fun digital trinkets when I check off my items.   Yesterday I bought my little avatar a new healer's robe and an amethyst tiara and was so excited!!

 

okay no this is adorable and I just mentally squealed a little bit. Ahhh I haven't been on Habatica in so long...they have Healers' Robes? That's so cute!

 

On the subject of body image; I'd be willing to wager that there are very, very few, if any people who are always 100% confident about the way they look, even the people we're sort of conditioned to believe are the 'perfect' shape/size/whatever. Doing your best to do what's good for you is the important thing. ( also, bit of a weird analogy, but...I sometimes subscribe to the thought of the body as 'transportation', more than anything else. My body is not me. My soul is me. Our bodies, much like cars or bikes or any other vehicle, are customisable to an extent. Some things, like eating right and exercising, getting enough sleep and the like, are basic maintenance along the lines of keeping the car clean and fueled. Other things equate to perhaps changing the paint color (think, maybe, new haircuts, cosmetic things)...and then there are things that, for one reason or another, can't be changed. But, no matter what it looks like, the car's still running and getting you where you need to go. This has been: Super Weird Analogies)

[Dusk]

Body image is hard. Hard hard hard. I hope you're feeling better about it. <3

I had a friend at my internship over the summer who was so fabulous and confident that I didn't even really pay attention to the imperfections of her body? She was gorgeous. Her personality radiated. So that kinda helped me, like... if she, with an imperfect body, can be so amazing, then I, also with an imperfect body, can also be amazing. I want to be healthier and stronger and better, sure, but that doesn't mean I'm not amazing right now, as is.

Idk if that helps, haha. It was late when I wrote this so I hope it makes sense.  

 

The hair sounds awesome! I can't wait to see pictures!!