Heidi: Wow, August

[Heidi]

Wow. The end of the last challenge went through my life like a meat grinder. Mediation Workshops, threats of nuclear war, Personal Relationship Crumbling, Charlottesville. Thank goodness I have the NF community and the habits I've built with you guys over the past few years. One of the things that I know is that we will do it together, and we will go farther than we ever could have imagined. 

 

 

#Writing: After attending the Tinker Mountain Writers Workshop, I applied for and got accepted into the Queens University MFA in Creative writing. This means that I have to read and write every day. I started a scheduled structure, and stick to it mostly. I need to continue it so that it is a solid habit. First submission due: September 1. I also need to submit a piece to a contest or so, since it would be a wonderful thing to get a cash award, and the validation wouldn't be awful. But the writing is the thing. Feel free to check out my progress in my tracking spreadsheet (two tabs).  Also, I have a paper on American Exceptionalism to write that I got an extension on, and that needs to be swept up. #Writers Life

 

#Mediation certification: I took all the required training seminars last challenge, and will spend this challenge getting the required practicums -- observations and co-mediation -- taken care of. Hopefully the court certification will be finalized by the end of this challenge. #FingersCrossed. 

 

#Communication with Vivian. My daily calls with my daughter were suspended when we went to court on July 6. This hurts, and she was in tears over it. The appeal hearing was moved to the end of October (two challenges from now, I think, but maybe three -- this is how I measure things). I'm now limited to calling on Monday and Wednesday. I wrote her a Garden Report and included a garden word search along with the pictures I took and mailed it to her, and thus began a habit of mailing her something most days. Harvey mails some days too. It's our way to stay in touch now. I send a puzzle or coloring page or whathaveyou. And then I'm going to write my pen pal, who is in prison. #SnailMailRules

 

#Employment I interview for a position to teach GED classes at the regional jail. This resonates with me in ways that don't really make any sense, but in a very positive, contributory way. Part time. I'm thinking of it as a work-study component to the writing classes. #WishMeLuck

 

#Self-care 

• Nightly sleep I need to take care of myself by making certain I'm getting enough rest. If I'm worn out and exhausted, I can't be a good student / parent / friend. I need to be in bed no later than 9 p.m. 
• Daily Sauna or hot bath
• Meetings A few meetings a week, especially on Wednesday, then therapy on Thursday and then the Friends Meeting every Sunday.
• Water reestablish the habit.
• Walking. My steps fell to hell as the office job progressed. I went from a ten mile a day habit to barely a mile, and lost the habit of walking thirty minutes every day as well. I'm hoping to put it back. 
   

#FinancialPlanning with the attorney: Financial worry is soul-crushing. Bankruptcy filing in Monday, August 14. #Acceptance leads to #balance. #Balance leads to #harmony. #Harmony leads to #peace.

[Heidi]

Monday Report:

#Writing: Nothing yet, and it's close to bedtime, so I'm going to say this is a pass for today. I did make some notes in my Some Lines a Day journal, which is a good and centering habit in its own right.

 

#Communication Tonight was a calling night. She was in an RV, eating a tuna sandwich from Subway, with the dogs in the seat with her, apparently. I have no idea where they have gone. It's a little unnerving. Also, she isn't receiving all the mail I'm sending her -- just one piece right before the phone call so she can say yes. But she only knows about one, not the four or five that we sent her. *sigh* Acceptance is hard. Patience is harder. Prayer and meditation are my only solace tonight.

 

#Employment I interviewed for a position to teach GED classes at the regional jail this morning. It seemed to go really, really well. A hundred things could go awry, even if they want me as the candidate, so I'm not holding my breath, but I'm a bit hopeful. We will know sometime this week (which is, like 3 days, 20 hours, and 1 minute away; ish. but who's counting?) #WishMeLuck

 

#Self-care 

• Nightly sleep In the wake of the Relationship Strife, sleep has been elusive and fitful. I persist in the routine, though, and that helps.
• Daily Sauna or hot bath -- hot bath this morning before the interview.
• Meetings Therapy this afternoon 
• Water yeah, no.
• Walking. I took a tour of the facilities at the end of the interview. I'm pretty certain that we covered most of my steps, but I didn't wear my tracker in, not knowing the rules on electronic devices. I think this is a good amount, but it's not like three miles or anything.  

#FinancialPlanning with the attorney: Bankruptcy filing completed today.

 

#Acceptance leads to #patience.

#Patience leads to #balance.

#Balance leads to #harmony.

#Harmony leads to #peace.

[T2sarahconnor]

22 hours ago, Heidi said:

Self-care 

• Nightly sleep I need to take care of myself by making certain I'm getting enough rest. If I'm worn out and exhausted, I can't be a good student / parent / friend. I need to be in bed no later than 9 p.m. 

You know I a back when I glanced at this and thought it said 

Self care.......Naughty sleep!

 

 

okay nightly sleep is good too!  

 

A lot lot going on and I may pm you so you can fill in some blanks if you want.  I am here for you and will give much love and support!

[Vibrantella]

8 hours ago, Heidi said:

#WishMeLuck

Good luck!  

 

7 hours ago, T2sarahconnor said:

Self care.......Naughty sleep!

Which is a great form of self care anyway!  

[Heidi]

10 hours ago, T2sarahconnor said:

You know I a back when I glanced at this and thought it said 

Self care.......Naughty sleep!

HA! Wouldn't that be restorative!! 

 

10 hours ago, T2sarahconnor said:

A lot lot going on and I may pm you so you can fill in some blanks if you want.  I am here for you and will give much love and support!

Yes, it's been a whirlwind, no doubt.

 

2 hours ago, Vibrantella said:

Good luck!  

 

Which is a great form of self care anyway!  

Thanks for the good wishes, and yes, it would be restorative. My heart isn't in it right now, unfortunately -- that's part of the grieving I suppose.

Love you both.

 

#NFSisterhood

[Heidi]

Charlottesville is about 90 miles from my front door, and is in-between my front door and Richmond, where the mediation workshop was being held. I had several different invitations to consider: peace stance with ministers, civil disobedience workshop, giving a talk about the concept of White Genocide and what it means for peace activists and civil rights today, the reality of free speech and free assembly protections -- all sorts of cool, instructional, compassionate activities. And I had every intention of going. As I gathered my things up Friday night, I felt a strong sense that this was not a good idea, and, despite feeling a bit foolish, I brought my bags back in the house and decided to wait until the very early morning to make up my mind about the event. Pictures of torches on the lawn didn't sway me, but left me feeling even more drawn to say "This is not my voice; you do not speak for me." But again, I had foreboding as I turned the key in the ignition. Again, I stayed home, sheepishly shlepping my bags up the stairs to the living room. By ten-thirty, the only thing I wanted was a nap, and I started to read and write a bit.

 

By the time I resurfaced into the Known World around 3:30 in the afternoon, I was glad I had stayed home, and began the texts and calls that would take up the rest of the evening, verifying the safety of the others that I had known were going, checking in with the Friends network and the activists, ministers, and community that I have come to think of as my family. We were all well, though understandably rattled in varying degrees. I daresay that each of us has felt this weekend as a watershed event emotionally, and it might take a bit to see the impact that it has on each of us personally, on us as groups, and on us as a nation.

[DarK_RaideR]

Watching closely for insight and comments. Stay safe there.

[Heidi]

Man, yesterday was rough.

So far in the past seven days, I have time traveled -- I went to bed on Wednesday last week in 2017 and woke up in 1945, with bomb threats hurled at communist regimes. Then I went to bed Thursday and work up to a 1950s clan march at a public university, complete with torches. I didn't stay in the 50s for very long, as by Saturday afternoon I found myself living in the middle of some real late 60s dramatics. I was worried that I would wake up to a 70s era gasoline shortage, but instead by dinner time yesterday I saw some real 1939 Weimar-esque remarks coming from the Presidential Podium. What next? A 1929 stock market crash?

 

#TimeLordWhiplash.

 

Back to what I can do anything about:

#Writing: I wrote up my thoughts about Charlottesville, and I wrote my professor a progress report on the paper that he is expecting. It will get done. Maybe some of it today, even.

 

#Communication I wrote Vivian a short card.

 

#Employment I applied for four other jobs, in case the GED instructor one doesn't work out. I wrote the Officers who interviewed me a thank you note.

 

#Self-care 

• Nightly sleep It's difficult. Nevertheless, I persist.
• Daily hot bath last night.
• Meetings Nothing yesterday. I have one at lunchtime today
• Water yeah, no.
• Walking. I stayed in the house, feeling super moody.

[maegs]

Following along again. Good luck with the instructor job

[Heidi]

22 hours ago, maegs said:

Following along again. Good luck with the instructor job

Hey, good to have you along, @maegs.

Still no word on the job, so there should be something tomorrow!

 

In the meantime, I dealt with the utilities -- everything is in my name now and the VOIP phone was taken off the account to save money. Shortly after doing that, the modem died, so I spent an hour getting a new one. Irksome, but not altogether awful.

 

I had therapy today, then lunch with a friend.

Took a bath.

No writing or reading as of yet, but I'm off to grab a book now that the internet is back up and active.

 

namaste, y'all.

[DarK_RaideR]

On 16/8/2017 at 3:03 PM, Heidi said:

What next? A 1929 stock market crash?

Technically, we've already been through this when Lehman brothers collapsed

[Heidi]

10 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Technically, we've already been through this when Lehman brothers collapsed

The US thinks it has recovered.

We haven't unwound a thing, just driven all the toxic stuff in the banking industry deeper than ever while screwing the average Joe in the process.

 

I'm really not feeling the DruidSpace right now.

Vivian's dad is being a bully, and my heart was empty and my spirit low to begin with.

 

When meditation is too much, prayer remains.

 

[Heidi]

Wednesday Report:

#Writing: Paper completed and delivered. I was pretty wrecked emotionally, and it took a toll on my daily writing, but I'm back and have written the last two days in a row. #FallDownSixTimesGetUpSeven. I have a contest that I want to enter, deadline for ten pages is Aug 31. So that's where my focus is going right now. Also, 25 pages are due to workshop on Sept 1.

 

#Communication On Monday, Vivian asked if I would call again on Tuesday as well as Wednesday. I said I would see what I could do and wrote her dad. He, unsurprisingly, called me delusional and manipulative and then didn't let me talk with her when I called last night. What a jerk. I will talk with her tonight and then see her tomorrow

 

#Employment I still haven't heard from the Jail about teaching GED classes there. It's irksome. #breathe

 

#Self-care 

• Nightly sleep I sleep fitfully at best, but I keep to the schedule.
• Daily Sauna or hot bath -- bath most evenings, and, with the heat, sometimes one during the day too. It helps with my nerves. Did I mention that I'm a bit of an emotional wreck this week? I am.
• Meetings Therapy tomorrow 
• Water I've been drinking more water. I'm not measuring it per se, but I'm drinking at least 1600ml a day now.
• Walking. I stay inside. Being an emotional wreck also means that it is difficult to be among people, to be seen. I don't expect that to make sense, it just is.
• Other Stuff: the jeep is in the shop. i ended up calling the cops on a neighbor who got surly when i (nicely) asked what her daughter meant when she said that her mom hits her. Fine. Don't talk to me like a reasonable adult. #TellItToTheCops

 

#Acceptance leads to #patience.

#Patience leads to #balance.

#Balance leads to #harmony.

#Harmony leads to #peace.

[Heidi]

#MoreWriting: I submitted the piece for an award. May it go in peace.

 

Then I started in on the submission packet, first reworking a piece on Gen X. I'm not sure what else I will submit in the initial packet, but it feels good to have 6 pages solidly in hand. The submission day is September 1. I have a whole list of topics that I can pull from to start writing something fresh, and I have a notebook of stuff I have been writing since June, and, should all that fail me, I have some dusty files from the archives that deserve to be reworked into something with a voice. It will all be fine.

 

I decided to drop a class in an abundance of caution since I haven't heard (still) from the jail about the GED instructor position. This will allow me to know that the rent is paid for the term, at the very least, and that's not a small piece of mental security. I'm hopeful that it will all be redundant measures, but I'll sleep better in the interim.

[DarK_RaideR]

17 hours ago, Heidi said:

I stay inside. Being an emotional wreck also means that it is difficult to be among people, to be seen. I don't expect that to make sense, it just is.

I think the term round these parts is being "out of social mana" and it totally makes sense. Kudos to you for chugging through this rough patch.

[Heidi]

Don Quixote was my first love

A crush of windmills at seven.

I named my first car Rozinante,

That faithfullest of steeds

Castaway

A treasure.

At twelve, the time of crossroads,

My tilting lover was jilted out of place

By the stranger Albert Camus.

And through the coming of age years,

The voice of Voltaire beside me

As I drove mocked me gently,

Knowing that it wasn't that

I wanted to kiss Vermeer so much

As to smell his hair.

And the great Carl Gustav

Wise and weird, sipping

The collective wine of which

We are all unaware with

Uncle Walt beside him,

Leering and drunk himself

On his on enthusiasm,

His electric body farting

Sparks of truth.

Nobody really speaks of him much though.

And through it all, I still

Flirt Wildely with Oscar, even though

He's better at it and though

We both know it will never amount

To much.

The wink is all.

[DarK_RaideR]

That was beautiful

[Heidi]

4 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

That was beautiful

Thanks, @DarK_RaideR -- and to think i'm not in the poetry section of the MFA.

 

Speaking of the MFA in creative writing, today is the first day, and I'm excited.

We have been assigned our 'pods' of fellow workshop mates, four of us to a group with a facilitator.

I have 25 pages due on Friday, of which I have a piece that is 6 pages ready to go. 

I have many other pieces of course, but the value of this for me is in the writing, so I like to keep the recycling to a minimum.

 

Still, it's nice to be official and on track once more.

 

Mediation observation here in town got canceled for this afternoon.

I'm even more glad than ever that I signed up for mentoring in Richmond, even though the foundation is a three hour drive. At least this way I know it will happen.

 

I'm still wickedly tired these days and on the ragged side emotionally. 

Fortunately, I'm not in Texas.

 

I have a new nightly prayer:

Now I lay me 

Down to sleep

Dear sweet God

Don't let Trump tweet.

 

Happy Monday, Nerds

[Heidi]

I made an executive decision and submitted the Bibliophile poem to the Queens Literary magazine for consideration for publication.

Since I'm not the poetry editor or involved in the poetry genre in any way, I figured it was all good.

 

Also, I have another two pages to add to my Friday submission packet, this piece titled "I Like Gabriel Garcia Marquez."

 

I have a theme for this whole semester, and it's going to take a huge amount of bravery and fortitude on my part to see it through, but the payoff will be worth it:

Hiraeth. (n.) a homesickess for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.

 

Exploring this, and exploring it in my personal narrative, there is no way to fail. Every piece with be worthwhile, even if it's not something worth reprinting.

[WolfDreamer]

On 8/13/2017 at 11:26 PM, Heidi said:

One of the things that I know is that we will do it together, and we will go farther than we ever could have imagined.

THIS! I'm sorry, I know you don't know me, but I was browsing challenge posts and this line hit me straight in the heart.

 

49 minutes ago, Heidi said:

Hiraeth. (n.) a homesickess for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.

 

Also, awesome word. I did a writing exercise in one of my graduate classes using a list of "100 Most Beautiful Words in the English Language." Now I'm bummed this word wasn't included.

 

Keep inspiring, both yourself and others. Let me know if I can help in any way.

[Heidi]

10 hours ago, Wolfen said:

I did a writing exercise in one of my graduate classes using a list of "100 Most Beautiful Words in the English Language."

Welcome to my world, @Wolfen! So glad you liked it what I wrote; even happier that you let me know. It does my heart a world of good to make connection with you. Also, I must have this list of words, incomplete though it clearly is.  Please tell me perspicacious makes the list -- it's a long time favorite of mine.

 

Looking forward to reading more of you.

[Heidi]

#MoreWriting: I decided to send the poem from above in to a literary magazine. Wish me luck.

Speaking of literary magazines, did I mention already that I got tapped to be the Digital Editor for the online branch of the school's literary magazine? I have. No "Gee, let's see if she knows what she's talking about or has a clue how to edit or code" or "Let's start her out as an assistant!" or ANY of that.

Nope.  Just SPLOOSH!!  hope you can swim!! Don't mind the alligators -- they don't eat much.

 

 

I'll be just fine and we all know it.

 

Also, I applied for a job today that doesn't require anything more than a high school diploma, but it *does* require planning and attention to detail.

I have an interview at the temp agency tomorrow.

Okay then, Universe -- you drive for a bit.

 

I'm a little concerned about the American economy.

I know, I know, there are a myriad other things to be concerned with that are far more important and relevant and immediate, but hear me out.

Finland, a bastion of good decisions, decided to dump its exposure to America from its state pension fund.

That's a huge and very final vote of no confidence, letting me know that it might not happen overnight, but the US is sinking and is going to go down fast and hard.

Or, at least, that's the way I read it.

 

I hope you are all having a lovely evening nerds.

[WolfDreamer]

1 hour ago, Heidi said:

Please tell me perspicacious makes the list -- it's a long time favorite of mine.

 

It did not.  Nor did defenestration, which is one of my favorites simply because of it's meaning (morbid, though it may be).

 

The list my professor used can be found here: https://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/100_most_beautiful_words.html

[Heidi]

Jobs. I suppose it would be good to have one, but I'm supposed to be in school, you see, being a #Writer.  I'm not opposed to having a job, mind you, it's just not where I am right now.

 

Except.

 

Except that I got called to come in to talk with a recruiter about a job position in Roanoke, and we are in a pretty tight spot financially.

So I went, mostly because the pay meets my minimum for getting out of bed and the lady on the phone said that it would only take a minute if I had filled out everything online.

 

So I went and filled out everything online.

I showed up with my identification, in nice clothes, having brushed my teeth and hair, and in decent shoes.

I even had on my pleasant-demeanor face.

The place was packed when I walked in.

Three hours later, I got called back to talk with the recruiter for three minutes.

I'm sure it's all fine and part of the Universe's grand plan for me.

I'm worn out now and thinking that bedtime at 3 in the afternoon is a good idea.

 

 

[Heidi]

17 hours ago, Wolfen said:

 

It did not.  Nor did defenestration, which is one of my favorites simply because of it's meaning (morbid, though it may be).

 

https://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/100_most_beautiful_words.html

Defenestration is a wonderful word, and one that crosses my mind more than it really should. There's a reason I'm a Druid, you see.

Thank  you for the list. I'm printing it out and hope to see what I can make of it. Something is definitely brewing in there.

 

I do love the word petrichor, mostly because i love the smell just as it starts to rain and the earth blooms out a sigh of perfume into the heated afternoon, scent so thick my nostrils have to flare to take it in.