What? EternalJourno is evolving into Rey of Light!

[FatboySuave]

Introduction: Things have been rough recently. A foot injury has slowed down my physical activity. I keep getting Facebook reminders of all the amazing hikes and 5Ks I did last summer. It feels like I'm looking back at a different person, like I don't know how that guy did all that awesome stuff. But it's proof that these quests work. I just need to stick to them. I've basically regressed to my old self the past few weeks. I haven't exercised in a long time and I've been eating like crap. Basically I've been ignoring all my quests. I've been struggling a lot with depression lately, and it's easy to blame my lack of discipline on my state of mind, but I know that I can conquer this. I've done it before. I can do it again. Last challenge I decided to re-brand myself. EternalJourno is now Rey of Light (a king of positivity). In Pokemon terms, I'm evolving. But it's a constant evolution. I'm always striving to be better, and I will be. (For a full introduction, check out my battle log.)
 

Main Quest: I strive to acquire the Triforce. I will build Power (physical health/lose weight) via good eating and exercise habits. I will achieve Courage (mental health/self confidence) through therapy and other potential means. I will exercise and cultivate Wisdom (knowledge/art) by devouring books as part of a balanced diet and reinvigorating my love affair with writing. 

 

Quest 1: Complete my assigned Bodyweight exercises three times a week and complete a cool down afterward. I will update these daily on my battle log if you want to see details and follow along.

A = Complete workout/cool down 3 times a week.
B = Complete workout/cool down 2 times a week.
C = Complete workout/cool down 1 time a week.
D = Complete 0 workouts/cool downs in a week.
F = No physical activity.

 

Quest 2: Walk every day with my dog Booklet and complete a cool down afterward. I usually track these with the RunKeeper app on my battle log as well. I'm also tracking my miles on my Walk to Mordor.

 

A = Walk/cool down 6-7 days a week

B = Walk/cool down 4-5 days a week.

C = Walk/cool down 2-3 day a week.

D = Walk/cool down 1 day a week.

F = No walking/cool downs.

Quest 3: Drink less alcohol (If I do drink, I will stick to low carb cocktails).

A = Have no more than 3 drinks per week (add a plus if only low-carb cocktails).
B = Have no more than 5 drinks per week (go up a letter grade if only low-carb cocktails). 
C = Have no more than 7 drinks per week (go up a letter grade if only low-carb cocktails).
D = Have no more than 9 drinks per week (go up a letter grade if only low-carb cocktails).
F = Anything more than that (go up a letter grade if only low-carb cocktails).

Quest 4: Cook paleo meals more often, eat out less. If I do eat out, I will find healthy/paleo-ish options.

A = Eat out no more than 2 times a week. 
B = Eat out no more than 4 times a week.
C = Eat out no more than 6 times a week.
D = Eat out no more than 8 times a week.
F = Eat out more than 8 times a week. 

Life Quests: Perform "Awesome Hour" every night before bed. This means powering down without any screens. I will stretch my foot, read a book, color or write. I will also update my Journal with notes about good things from my day and positive things about myself.

Motivation: Originally, I wanted to look good in order to build confidence so that I could learn to live life to the fullest, but I realize I've been looking at things backward. The truth is I've put too much focus on my physical attractiveness from a dating perspective. I want to find love, but I know I need to love myself first. I need to build my self-esteem and take chances and stop holding myself back in order to live life to the fullest.

[Bookish Badger]

Following! You've got this.

[Vibrantella]

You know you can do it!

[Sunmage]

That sounds like a challenge.

Does your foot allow you to swim instead of walking 5K?

 

[FatboySuave]

On 8/16/2017 at 10:57 PM, Sunmage said:

Does your foot allow you to swim instead of walking 5K?

 

I don't know how to swim :/ But maybe it's time to learn!

[Bookish Badger]

How has everything else been going?

[FatboySuave]

On 8/18/2017 at 0:19 PM, Bookish Badger said:

How has everything else been going?

 

Not great. Haven't hit any of my quests. Not feeling motivated at all. 

[Bookish Badger]

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you start feeling better soon!

[Vibrantella]

 
Not great. Haven't hit any of my quests. Not feeling motivated at all. 

Sorry to hear that. What do you think could motivate you again? Are you the kind of person that runs away (from pain) or runs towards (the reward)? Me, I'm contrary; I like nothing more than to show "them' - even (or especially) when it's me!

Hope you get back on the horse soon!

Sent from my GT-P3110 using Tapatalk

[FatboySuave]

On 8/20/2017 at 3:27 PM, Vibrantella said:

What do you think could motivate you again? Are you the kind of person that runs away (from pain) or runs towards (the reward)?

 

I'm not really sure, actually. Maybe it's a bit of both. I feel like I've definitely been running toward a reward. I think I thought (and continue to think) that losing weight will lead me to a better life, but of course that in itself is not going to change things. But even when I lost a bunch of weight and things were going well, it somehow wasn't enough. Maybe? I don't know. Things just feel very different lately. I think I'm starting to feel better. Maybe a little more toward my usual self. I don't know.

[Kvedulf]

Hey brother.

So happy to see you're still here. I got worried when I couldn't find your posts. Then realised you changed your name

For what it's worth, since I started here you have been an inspiration.

Keep up the good fight!

[FatboySuave]

On 8/25/2017 at 0:33 AM, Kvedulf said:

Keep up the good fight!

 

It's good to have you back!

 

I got a cold last week, so I took some days off from work and took a four-day weekend basically. I literally just shut down for four days straight, and I think I needed that. I've been resorting to shutdowns more frequently lately. In some ways it helps, but I know I need better coping mechanisms. I did a lot of coloring, lol, but I'm genuinely enjoying it. Like a lot, lol. It's a nice way to feel creative without having to think too much or worrying about writer's block or other things like that. I can just sit there and go and not worry about whether it's good or not. It's nice. I started re-reading Level Up Your Life, looking for some inspiration to get back into the right frame of mind. Just reading the intro has helped put me in a better head space already.

I talked to my buddy about getting back into the habit of hiking every weekend. Eventually we plan to go back to the Grand Canyon and try to go a farther distance than last time. He wanted to go in October, but I've been so stagnant lately that I feel like I lost a lot of conditioning. But I'm getting back into the "training" mindset. I also bought a ticket for a Full Tough Mudder in October, but again I don't feel ready because of a lack of conditioning. And I'm not sure that 2 months is enough time to get back into shape. So I'm planning to try to get a refund or reschedule for the Half Mudder. I'm not thinking of it as quitting though. Just postponing the inevitable, that I will someday conquer a Full Mudder. I just need some time to refocus and readjust.

 

I watched the season finale of Game of Thrones last night and had a mini epiphany. I'll try not to spoil anything major. I've been a fan of Theon for a while now — maybe more so than most viewers? — and I realized why I want him to win. His story is all about redemption. He's done a lot of shitty things in the past, and deep down he wants to do the right thing(s), but he's damaged and struggles to make clear headed decisions. I've done some shitty things in the past and still struggle with the repercussions of those actions, but I have to remind myself that redemption is possible.

 

Speaking of GOT, did you know that Grey Worm can sing?!?! This song has been helping a lot lately.
 

 

[FatboySuave]

Day 2 of feeling good and clear headed! Realized that work is a huge trigger for me. The smallest things annoy me and set me off for no reason. Not sure why. So I'm gonna try to be more conscious of that and try to let things slide if I find myself getting stressed for no reason. Easier said than done, of course. So we'll see.

Not sure if I mentioned this before, but I recent sold a bunch of my old junk. I was inspired by the movie Minimalism. It's a documentary on Netflix about letting going of things we don't need or that don't make us happy. So I sold a bunch of stuff and made a bunch of extra cash. I still have a ton of junk, lol, but it was nice letting go of a lot, like movies and books and random things. So I have some extra space in my "Batcave" so I'm planning to optimize things and create a space that truly makes me happy rather than buying things and objects just to have them. In particular, I want to create some reading spaces. I've always wanted some sort of grandpa chair for myself, lol. A place where I can just sit and read or color or recline or whatever. Just a place with some nice window light.

 

My diet goals are going better this week, not perfect. I haven't had an energy drink in almost a week. I think being sick has helped me cut them again. I bought one over the weekend because I thought I was craving one. But my throat hurt just from the thought of actually drinking it. There's still a bit of a craving, but not as strong as before. So hopefully I can kick this habit again — for good.

 

While I was taking a break from working out, I took down my pullup setup. Putting it back up in my doorway was a nice little mental achievement. Just seeing it up there changes the way I think/feel. I can still sort of do a pullup, so I haven't lost all my muscles yet, lol. I still don't quite feel motivated enough to get an actual workout in though. But I'm gonna take things slow and ease back into stuff so as to not get overwhelmed.

[Kvedulf]

All that sounds awesome.

6 hours ago, Rey of Light said:

Day 2 of feeling good and clear headed! Realized that work is a huge trigger for me. The smallest things annoy me and set me off for no reason. Not sure why. So I'm gonna try to be more conscious of that and try to let things slide if I find myself getting stressed for no reason. Easier said than done, of course. So we'll see.

I'm sure I've said this before, but I can not agree with this enough. Have you worked out where you're wanting to go work wise yet?

 

Minimalism is a wonderful thing, but only in moderation. I've always been pretty minimal (not by choice, more by necessity). Ms Kvedulf was the opposite but she read a really good book, the title of which escapes me at the moment, but afterwards she did a massive clean out and threw out a heap of her stuff that she didn't want any more. Now she works on the principle of if she doesn't immediately need or love the item, she's not going to buy it. It's been working really well for her. Looking forward to photos of your grandpa chair.

 

[FatboySuave]

23 hours ago, Kvedulf said:

Have you worked out where you're wanting to go work wise yet?

 

As of right now, I want to go back to reporting/writing. Our crime reporter is getting ready to retire soon (once he sells his house). I want his job when he leaves and I've told my editor. It's an interesting beat and I think I could legit do some good enterprising work with it.

 

With the money I got from selling all my junk, I bought a grandpa chair! And I'm already in love. I'm typing this from the chair actually. I almost got a recliner, but I decided to go with something simpler and less expensive. 

 

I think Novel isn't too happy that I moved things around though. I moved stuff yesterday to see how much room there was before I bought the chair. She almost immediately peed on the floor in the corner, lol. When I moved things a while back, she would pee in that corner. So I moved her litterbox there, and things have been good lately. But as soon as I moved the litterbox (only a few feet away), she peed on the floor again. So I bought a rug too. Maybe it'll help mask the smell so she won't associate the corner with peeing. And the chair is over the spot too. So hopefully she doesn't pee IN the chair. I hope this isn't a huge mistake, lol. 
 

 

[Kvedulf]

Poor Booklet. She's grown up. Hence why I'm guessing you call her Novel.

Loving the chair too. From the photo it look suitably beaten and battered. Not in a bad way, but in a "had it's hard and sharp edges knocked off and happily moulded into a comfortable shape" kind of way.

[Vibrantella]

Nice chair! I want to get rid of our 2 two-seaters and buy a big sofa and an armchair, but thanks to our sharp-clawed, longhair, shed-like-a-maniac cat, we cannot have nice things...
Glad you"re feeling better, and kudos for applying some minimalist principles.

Sent from my GT-P3110 using Tapatalk

[FatboySuave]

8 hours ago, Kvedulf said:

Poor Booklet. She's grown up. Hence why I'm guessing you call her Novel.

 

Haha, Novel is the cat (not pictured). She's had trouble adjusting ever since Booklet moved into the house. But they mostly get along these days. And Novel has plenty of safe spaces in the room and access to the window sills. And as of yesterday, I can confirm that Novel is back to using her litter box.

 

And I think the chair looks lived in because of the poor photo quality, lol. It looks nicer in person. I have to use my selfie camera these days because the actual photo lens broke. But the chair does have a very plain, old man look to it, which I love. It feels dignified. I'm sure Novel will start ripping it up soon though, hence the reason for going for a less expensive chair, lol. It has a sort of corduroy type of texture, which is just asking to be cat scratched. This morning I sat in the chair and invited Novel to sit in my lap, so I think it'll turn into a good bonding space for us. With the dogs in the house, we don't cuddle as much as we used to. And then as soon as I got up she sat IN the chair, so I think she may end up adopting it for herself, lol.

[Bookish Badger]

Everyone needs a comfy chair! I'm so glad you invested "junk money" in something that's going to be useful and pleasurable for so years to come.

 

It also looks like it would be easy to find a good slipcover for it, if Novel won't be dissuaded from shredding.

[Kvedulf]

*facepalm*

I forgot your cat was named Novel. Feeling kind of stupid now

Comfy chair looks comfy

[FatboySuave]

Novel approves of the new arrangement! When the dogs are away, Novel likes to cuddle. The chair is perfect for doing so (picture below).

 

In other news, I went to see my therapist yesterday. We had our 90 day review. He asked if I felt like the sessions were working or if there was anything in particular that was working/not working. I told him straight up that I didn't feel comfortable with him and that I wanted to switch therapists. He then found another of the therapists who happened to be free so we could meet. She seems much more chill and down to earth and just not awkward, lol. So I immediately felt better about the situation when I left. I'll be officially seeing her in like two weeks.

 

But later in the evening I had a breakdown. Just an overwhelming feeling that I can't handle things right now. Then this morning I sort of checked out at work. It's an incredibly easy thing to do when you're editing because literally nobody knows (or cares) whether you're editing or not. Then I felt another breakdown coming on so I hid in the bathroom for a bit. I feel like I have no motivation left. I don't know what to do.
 

 

[Kvedulf]

That sucks. I don't really have anything much I can add in terms of advice. Beyond that I can sort of understand what you're going through. Everyone's different, but I get it. Here for you, if you need it.

[FatboySuave]

I ended up talking to my boss today. He asked me about this project that I was supposed to have been working on the past few months. Can't remember if I mentioned the Solutions Journalism thing here. But there was an event related to the project coming up this weekend that I was planning to go to, so my editor asked me if I was still planning on going. I told him no because I'm actually going to be in Pie Town this weekend. I was planning to email him to explain why I felt like abandoning the project, but since the subject came up, I told him I haven't done any work on the Solutions project and don't feel motivated at all. He said he understood and had no issues with me dropping it. Then I emailed him directly after to talk about my depression. He was again super understanding. Now I just need to email the project manager tomorrow. But already that felt like a weight off my shoulders. 

 

I've noticed another thing giving me anxiety is my foot injury. It's super, super stressful that I can't be as active as I was before. And even though I've been resting a lot, it doesn't feel like it's getting any better. And I don't want to waste more money at the doctor because it's so expensive and he has been useless so far.  And I want to buy new shoes specifically designed for plantar fasciitis but I have no money. And one of my rooms is vacant so I'm also stressing out about the fact that I have less rental income coming in and I'm not sure if I'm gonna find anyone anytime soon. 

Then there's the fact that I'm nowhere in good enough shape to do another Tough Mudder. My friends and I were planning to do a Full Mudder at the end of October, but I've lost a lot of conditioning. The problem is I already registered for the event, and TM is super anal about giving refunds, so I need a doctor's note. So I'm gonna try to do that and hopefully get my money back. 

Ugh, there's just a lot of little things stressing me out that are contributing to my overall anxiety. 

[FatboySuave]

I just did an analysis and paid off some bills, and I'm on the verge of trouble financially. I've been so out of it mentally/emotionally the past few months, that I haven't been paying close attention to how much money I've been spending on food and other junk. If I don't find a tenant within the next couple weeks, I'm in trouble. So I need to really push to fill my room asap. 

[FatboySuave]

HOWEVER, I feel a strange sense of calm right now. Nothing like the brink of collapse to make you get your shit together, lol.