Do you ask people to respect your lifestyle?

[Mary K]

I noticed since I started looking into eating better and working out, my friends and family basically try to ruin it for me. They say "Oh you are healthy!" or "You don't need to lose weight!". It is honestly kind of annoying. I feel like they don't respect me trying to take better care of myself. I want to ask that they do but I am not sure how to do this without making anyone mad. 

[Rostov]

 

It's a difficult one this, and I think a lot depends on how much autonomy you have to make decisions for yourself in terms of food and exercise, and how much you have to fit in with what other people want and what options are available. I found what worked for me when I was losing the weight was looking for compromises - so I'd go to the restaurant with friends and have a meal, but order lower calorie but still tasty options that didn't draw too much attention to me. Sometimes I'd still end up eating more calories than I'd like, but I was in the fortunate position of having a lot of autonomy with my other meals, and so would try to adjust accordingly. Ultimately weight loss isn't a sprint or even a marathon, it's the rest of your life, and there are going to be times where compromises have to be made and where you an treat yourself.

 

It's much more of a problem if it's going to be a constant and ongoing issue, and worse still if people are trying to sabotage you. Then I think there's no option but to say something if it doesn't blow over. It's amazing how threatened some less healthy people feel when someone around them starts trying to live a more healthy lifestyle - because it raises uncomfortable questions about why they're not doing anything, and some people don't like that.

 

Something I used to do was say as little as possible about it, be gracious in response to compliments, but give further details about what I was doing only if asked/pushed. Otherwise I'd be firm, say little, not feel obliged to offer detailed explanations, and generally try to shut it down, and try not to rise to any teasing. And then change the subject.

 

As a man I think I had it easier. My sense is that more people (men and women) feel entitled to comment on a women's eating/exercise/appearance than they would to a man.

 

 

[sylph]

This is always a complicated topic and I think @Rostov hit on some good strategies.

 

People definitely feel like they have the right to comment on other people's health/fitness (yes, particularly women). What might be helpful is trying to determine what the other person's motivation is for making their comments. This typically will dictate the range of my response.

 

Are they trying to give me a compliment by saying that I already seem like a healthy person? "Thanks! Making good choices is part of how I stay this way."

 

Do they feel like my healthy choices are somehow a judgment of them? (this is actually pretty common, I think). If I'm getting a lot of this, I look at my own behavior and try to decide whether I'm being a health evangelist. I'm well aware that there is no zealot like a new convert, so am I talking all about my health and fitness choices (because I'm excited about them) and are they interpreting that as me talking about that AT them that somehow they are reading my enthusiasm as a superior attitude? If that's the case, I try to modulate my own behavior so I have other topics of conversation to work with.

 

Are they trying to sabotage me or diminish my attempts at self-improvement? These people get dealt with in varying ways, depending on who they are. People close to me might get a "Is there a reason your putting me down every time I talk about what I'm doing to improve my health?" to get at the root of what's going on and determine whether I can turn them into an ally, or at least a neutral party. Someone farther away, like a coworker might get "Please don't talk about my food/health/body." Repeat as necessary.

[godjira1]

I find this discussion about coping strategies extremely relevant. My spousal unit and I discussed this at length and some points came up:

 

1. We usually just say "Thank you!". That sometimes ends that part of the conversation quite quickly.

2. Sometimes they say things like "you must work out a lot and eat only a little. I could never do that." Smile, and change the topic.

3. "Seriously, tell me your secret." They all want to hear it is some magic pill/supplement or incredible 7min workout a day thing. I usually blow it by "Sleep better, eat a bit less, move some more. Simple but not easy." That ends it... usually I have to take some advice on weight loss/training from some people who have low proficiency in those fields, but it is just part of social interaction.

4. "I am serious, tell me more". Depends, if I like the guy I will share more, else I will tell them to go read some books - my favourite recommendation is "fat loss happens on monday" by josh willis and dan john.

 

background: my wife has always been in great shape, but I was in pretty bad shape for about 10 years.

[RisenPhoenix]

On 8/27/2017 at 8:43 PM, Mary K said:

I feel like they don't respect me trying to take better care of myself.

 

Most people are conditioned to think that "taking care of yourself" only applies when something is so totally out of whack and comments about how you don't have to do XYZ are only because they think it's a compliment.  You don't need to lose weight (even though you told me you are) because look/seem fine.  Losing weight is so tied to just LOOKING better in the communal point of view that most people don't understand it often deals more with FEELING better, mentally and physically.

 

Just smile and nod, say thanks, and ignore them.

[Plazmotic]

I think sylph is right that people make comments like this because they’re making your lifestyle all about them. It happens a lot at work for me; I can’t even eat a salad in peace because some of the other ladies will make comments and feel terrible about themselves. I’m not eating a salad AT them, but my actions remind them of their own decisions and fill them with guilt?

[Basement Cat]

17 hours ago, Plazmotic said:

I think sylph is right that people make comments like this because they’re making your lifestyle all about them. It happens a lot at work for me; I can’t even eat a salad in peace because some of the other ladies will make comments and feel terrible about themselves. I’m not eating a salad AT them, but my actions remind them of their own decisions and fill them with guilt?

That's why I eat alone and prefer soups to salads. Nobody looks twice at a veggie soup even if it has even fewer calories than some salads.  Salads  have become shorthand for ''health conscious'' and some people feel uncomfortable with that for various reasons.

 

My go to solution is to deflect with humor. If those women bother you again, just tell them you identify as a ruminant and then they can't bother you again.

[Sciread77]

I find that a lot of people on both sides make comments that they shouldn't.  My family always wants to fatten me up with pie, and my wife's family (as trained by her grandma) always want me to eat another piece of bread.

 

On the flip side, many people seem to have nit-picky comments about food/diet not being healthy enough, especially to women.  I try to stay on the muted side when it comes to diet for that very reason; some people are negatively anti-health because they're annoyed by constant health talk and thus take a contrarian stance.  Such people are easily silenced (or better yet, not discovered at all) by toning the health talk down.

 

I'm pretty silent about health here at work unless I know someone else is supportive.  One guy in particular seems fairly anti-health.  Whenever someone starts publicly trying to be healthy, he'll talk almost nonstop about delicious but less healthy food like pizza.  I tend to think he does it because he exercises religiously, but never fails to drink a 6-pack a night by his own declarations.  I think he sabotages himself and perhaps unconsciously sabotages others.

 

My silence is part of why I prepared Hoth Base over the last 18 months, and why I do my physical work at home or at the Rendezvous Point these days.  Too many people take going to the gym as carte blanche acceptance of unsolicited advice, much of it completely counterproductive for me.

 

At work, I rarely talk about my health outside of people I know support my attempts to improve.  I don't go to the gym here, instead finding places like my (recently-destroyed) Hoth Base to train without being bothered. It's better for me to go to a non-standard gym that to be there when the people who tempt me are, especially since their habits tend to hamper their own progression.  Plus, I don't want to sound like an intolerable health braggart and half the time I feel like I do around them (partly because I don't down a whole pizza and six pack of beer every night like this group does).

[Nomad Jay]

On 8/28/2017 at 2:43 AM, Mary K said:

I noticed since I started looking into eating better and working out, my friends and family basically try to ruin it for me. They say "Oh you are healthy!" or "You don't need to lose weight!". It is honestly kind of annoying. I feel like they don't respect me trying to take better care of myself. I want to ask that they do but I am not sure how to do this without making anyone mad. 

 

Curmudeon's answer: I don't ask people to respect my lifestyle, because it's none of their friggin' business. I'm a grown adult and ultimately my choices are my own. If other people have emotional reactions to that, well, that's their issue to work through.

 

Non-curmudgeon's answer: Don't confuse incompetence for malice. Your family and friends may be trying to support you, but going about it all wrong. Touching on RisenPhoenix's comment about social expectations, your family & friends may think you're doing this because you have body image problems or something similar. "You don't need to lose weight." "No, but I want to for X reasons." Start there and see what happens.

[Kaite the Nomad]

I get the odd nitpicking comment from my parents mostly along the lines of 'you eat so much, if you didnt exercise you wouldnt need to eat so much'. It annoys me, I generally just retort back at them because I can get away with it. I understand that's not going to work with everyone but it's interesting to see that it's a more common thing than I thought.

[james452]

Just adding a bit of my own experience. When I was at Crossfit, I used to do a bunch of mobility to work (mostly to loosen up my muscles and improve my flexibility, basic maintenance stuff). Surprisingly, in that environment, people were conditioned to think that doing mobility work meant you were injured and trying to fix yourself. Think about why people go to a Physio, most would go to fix an injury, very few would go for maintenance.

 

To me it's just a matter of what people have been exposed to and conditioned to think. It helps having prepared scripts to use in this situations.

 

If you order veggies with your steak instead of chips, just say that you're trying to eat more veggies (don't even mention anything about diet changes).

If you're going to the gym after work, say that you're trying to get stronger or fitter or run faster (rather than say I'm trying to lose weight).

If you get offered candy, say that you don't eat candy/lollies anymore.

Say that "I don't drink soft drink." "I choose to be sober tonight." 

If you change your diet to keto/paleo, say "I just want to see how my body responds to this."

 

Essentially, have non-weight loss reasons to reply to people with.

[Cam-Beul]

I honestly hate talking about food or my eating habits with anyone that isn't an intimately close friend.

 

My best friend eats out a lot, and a lot of it is junk food. He knows I have raging self issues, largely centered around my weight, and it's kind of an unspoken thing that we don't talk about. I have a deep, horrible love of Taco Bell and nothing is every going to pry that from me, but I keep it pretty under control - part of why he's my best friend, he was around for my "eating 500 calories a day is totally okay and being lightheaded means its working" period, and he knows when it's time to intervene. 

 

Granted, I don't like talking about anything in this vein really. I have a weird shame about working out, about basically everything to do with my physical body. 

[Eruannu]

Im usually not direct enough to ask others to do so. I was going to joke that they respect my lifestyle enough when they get rolled in fighter practice but I have not shown up lately. My sword still breaths hate and my maul eats sheilds.



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[Super Starling!]

I have a sensitive stomach, and saying "when I eat like this, I don't throw up all the time" usually shuts down the conversation.

 

But generally, don't mention that you're on a diet or that you're on a program, because then people want to knock down that wall.

 

Just be like "I don't know, I kind of dig this, weirdly" and then there's nothing for them to fight against. What are they going to say, "STOP EATING THE THINGS YOU LIKE"? "DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO"? Acknowledge the innate weirdness of ordering veggies instead of fries, and be like "yeah, they really fill me up!" When turning down dessert, just be like "I'm stuffed!" Things like "fullness" and "liking" are personal and difficult to refute. 

[Echoceanic]

I don't get sabotaged, but I do get comments on my body. Almost every single family member that is not my mom tries to feed me. I do eat I just don't like eating the food they make and I they rarely see me when I'm super hungry. 

People don't know I am exercising really. My friends do, and my mom, but not anyone else, though I would tell the if they asked. I would say the 'pick a reason other than losing weight' advice is good not only for them, but for you in the long run, because is something you can use to motivate yourself. I like moving/eating this/I have more energy this way, etc. All the advie is good actually, because everyone advises you to deescalate instead of arguing.