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Michi finds her way back


MichiruSedai

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I see the challenge ended a couple days ago, but I didn't see forums for a new one yet, so I'll post this here for now.

 

Hey guys. I'm back. Kinda.  :)

 

Depression has been brutally sucking away my will to do pretty much everything. I have packed weight back on like nobody's business.  I'm going to spend the next five weeks taking control back of my life. Here's a copy/paste describing my goals:

 

I stepped on the scale today. I find it hard to believe I did that much damage in one month, and I'm assuming some of it is sodium bloat from the pizza party yesterday, but still, a super scary and depressing number, that I'm far too embarrassed to share. I'm starting a new 5 week challenge today, because I failed my last one within a week of starting it. My goals are: daily steps, daily water, don't exceed MFP calorie limit, don't binge. My rewards: if I can go the five weeks binge free I earn $50 to spend on whatever non-food reward I want. If I can lose 10 lbs in 5 weeks, I earn another $50.
 
I also started with a new psychologist last week, so I am hoping she can help me with the emotional eating and finding better ways to handle my stress and depression. I also recognize the single hugest source of my spirals this year has been my attempts, and failures, at a social life and dating. So after September, I'm shutting down my dating site account, and pulling back from trying to be a social butterfly, for the rest of the year. I will still be social, but I need to detach from the OMG MUST BE SOCIAL MUST FIND PARTNER because it's more depressing constantly trying and failing than it is just being alone I think.
 
So yeah this is a super long post with way more info than you all need :) but I don't really have anywhere else to go with it and it helps to get some things out. though I guess the shrink will be good for that too.

  • Like 6

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

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Done

  • Like 1

Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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On 9/10/2017 at 10:38 AM, MichiruSedai said:

Hey guys. I'm back.

 

Michi! I missed you! I'm so glad you're back! Please don't go away again. I have abandonment issues and my heart can't take it.

 

Seriously, though, I'm really glad you're here. Let me know if I can help in any way.

Who am I? -- My NF Character

Current Challenge: WolfDreamer Embraces His Wild Poet

Past Challenges: 

Spoiler

Winter is ComingWolfen Strengthens His Heart, Body, Mind, and Spirit, Wolfen Becomes One of the PeopleWolfen Strengthens His ChakrasWolfen Welcomes Summer and Gets Primal, Soulcon and Spartan, Wolfen Develops Mental ToughnessWolfen Joins the Wander SocietySoulcon, Spartan, School, and Stranger ThingsWolfen Becomes a Warrior EliteWolfen Goes Here and There and Back AgainWolfen Becomes a Soulcon Warrior EliteWolfen Returns to His RootsWolfen Wanders in Soul, Spirit, and BodyWolfen Owns the DayWolfen Searches for His Wild Heart, Wolfen Runs for His LifeWolfen Hits the TrailsWolfen Becomes an Explorer and Joins the ResistanceWolfen Goes Back to the SourceWolfen Begins the Hero's JourneyWolfDreamer Returns to the People,  WolfDreamer Pushes BackWolfDreamer PrioritizesBurpees, Books, and BrainworkBurpees, Books, Brainwork, and BodyworkWolfDreamer Masters the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Continues to Master the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Returns to SpartaWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Continues His Middle Earth AdventureWolfDreamer and the FallWolfDreamer Forges His Own PathWolfDreamer Has HopeWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Reads Harder, Breathes Harder, and Journals More

I'd rather sing one wild song and burst my heart with it, than live a thousand years watching my digestion and being afraid of the wet.” -- Jack London

“I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love.” -- Leo Tolstoy

"I feel love rising in my chest again
Rising like a burning sun into the day..." -- Gungor, "Hurricane"

"...wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17b

 

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Hey! *hugs* I'm glad to see you back on the forums, but sad to see you've not been doing as well as you would like.

 

But all I can say at the moment in regards to the social life bits is that it is better to be happy alone than to be sad chasing after other people. Put making yourself happy on your own as a priority over other people and life can get much much nicer. While I agree it is nice to have someone(s) it isn't worth it if you have to stress out about making time for people or failing/being disappointed when meeting someone new.

  • Like 2

 

 

 

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How's it going @MichiruSedai? Just checking up on you. :) Hope all is well.

Who am I? -- My NF Character

Current Challenge: WolfDreamer Embraces His Wild Poet

Past Challenges: 

Spoiler

Winter is ComingWolfen Strengthens His Heart, Body, Mind, and Spirit, Wolfen Becomes One of the PeopleWolfen Strengthens His ChakrasWolfen Welcomes Summer and Gets Primal, Soulcon and Spartan, Wolfen Develops Mental ToughnessWolfen Joins the Wander SocietySoulcon, Spartan, School, and Stranger ThingsWolfen Becomes a Warrior EliteWolfen Goes Here and There and Back AgainWolfen Becomes a Soulcon Warrior EliteWolfen Returns to His RootsWolfen Wanders in Soul, Spirit, and BodyWolfen Owns the DayWolfen Searches for His Wild Heart, Wolfen Runs for His LifeWolfen Hits the TrailsWolfen Becomes an Explorer and Joins the ResistanceWolfen Goes Back to the SourceWolfen Begins the Hero's JourneyWolfDreamer Returns to the People,  WolfDreamer Pushes BackWolfDreamer PrioritizesBurpees, Books, and BrainworkBurpees, Books, Brainwork, and BodyworkWolfDreamer Masters the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Continues to Master the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Returns to SpartaWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Continues His Middle Earth AdventureWolfDreamer and the FallWolfDreamer Forges His Own PathWolfDreamer Has HopeWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Reads Harder, Breathes Harder, and Journals More

I'd rather sing one wild song and burst my heart with it, than live a thousand years watching my digestion and being afraid of the wet.” -- Jack London

“I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love.” -- Leo Tolstoy

"I feel love rising in my chest again
Rising like a burning sun into the day..." -- Gungor, "Hurricane"

"...wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17b

 

Link to post
On 9/12/2017 at 9:27 PM, Leigh said:

But all I can say at the moment in regards to the social life bits is that it is better to be happy alone than to be sad chasing after other people. Put making yourself happy on your own as a priority over other people and life can get much much nicer. While I agree it is nice to have someone(s) it isn't worth it if you have to stress out about making time for people or failing/being disappointed when meeting someone new.

 

I can't favorite/like/love this comment about 5 million times so I'm just going to quote it.

 

When I was almost...indifferent to people being in my life, I felt much more in control and a hell of a lot happier.  As soon as I switched into 'pursuit mode', I became fucking miserable.

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guys I am so sorry for never responding to this again.  I've been... REALLY bad at social media. or actually talking to people.  I hate to play the depression card, but I'm playing the depression card.

 

@Sylvaa poked me and reminded me I should post on NF because you guys are all awesome and supportive, so I am going to try my best to keep posting here, even when I feel like I have nothing positive to report.

 

To that aim.. I completely failed the challenge I posted in this thread. I totally bombed it.  I have no excuses except that again... my depression is making functioning at all extremely challenging.

 

I am happy to say I am back in counseling, though its too soon to see if it will help.

 

I'm also trying to get back into cooking, prioritize my spiritual life, and back to the gym.  The gym, is actually more so for "me time" than for worrying about a hardcore workout, at my psychologist's suggestion of picking something to do a couple times a week that's something I do for me, instead of for family/coworkers/etc.

 

OK, now I will respond to all your wonderful posts, and then I'll see about starting a new thread in teh new challenge area.

  • Like 1

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

Link to post
On 9/11/2017 at 8:37 AM, CallunaTook said:

Welcome! Glad you're here! The new challenge forum is up now, btw.

 

I think your financial reward for losing weight is a fun idea... if it were me, I'd be extra motivated to get that treat, especially now that Halloween items are on the shelves! 

 

How many steps/water are you going for? 

 

 

 

Thanks, @CallunaTook!  I was going for 12k steps a day, and 80 oz of water.  I will still be going for those this next time around in my new thread.  I think my reward is going to be a Nintendo Switch! 

 

On 9/12/2017 at 7:42 AM, Wolfen said:

 

Michi! I missed you! I'm so glad you're back! Please don't go away again. I have abandonment issues and my heart can't take it.

 

Seriously, though, I'm really glad you're here. Let me know if I can help in any way.

 

Thanks, @Wolfen!  I am sorry that I went away again.  I think you were joking, but I actually have abandonment issues, so I am so sorry to have vanished again.  I hope to follow your current thread and see you in my new thread, when I make it.

 

 

On 9/12/2017 at 1:21 PM, LordKronos87 said:

I'm returning too.  Wish you the best!

 

Thanks, @LordKronos87!  I hope you had a better month than I did.  :)

 

 

On 9/12/2017 at 8:27 PM, Leigh said:

Hey! *hugs* I'm glad to see you back on the forums, but sad to see you've not been doing as well as you would like.

 

But all I can say at the moment in regards to the social life bits is that it is better to be happy alone than to be sad chasing after other people. Put making yourself happy on your own as a priority over other people and life can get much much nicer. While I agree it is nice to have someone(s) it isn't worth it if you have to stress out about making time for people or failing/being disappointed when meeting someone new.

 

Thanks, @Leigh!  *hugs*  I appreciate that.   And you are 100% right on your thoughts about socialization.  Last year, I think a lot of my success was because I didn't prioritize socializing.  this year with trying to build a social life and date, my depression has been SO MUCH WORSE.  My eating has been shit, I haven't been exercising, I've been obsessively over thinking why people don't want to spend time with me, etc.  I made a decision that 9/30 I was done dating for the rest of this year.  I just need a break.   I won't lie, I'm incredibly sad that it will be yet another holiday season I am single surrounded by couples, but I'm going to try and focus on doing things with my son, doing things for myself, and the few friends who have really stuck by me through the depression.

 

On 9/15/2017 at 12:04 AM, WritingWeaver said:

Michi! Been way too long since I was on the forum as well, I think it's time for a comeback ^_^ 
Best of luck to you my friend and if you should need help, I'm always just a quick message away!
 

 

Hey, @WritingWeaver!  thanks, and right back at you!

 

On 9/19/2017 at 4:55 PM, Teros said:

 

I can't favorite/like/love this comment about 5 million times so I'm just going to quote it.

 

When I was almost...indifferent to people being in my life, I felt much more in control and a hell of a lot happier.  As soon as I switched into 'pursuit mode', I became fucking miserable.

 

@Teros  I agree.  As I said in my reponse to Leigh above, in 2016 when I actually planned the year as "there will be zero attempts at dating this year", and I didn't prioritize socializing much at all, I did so much better on every other thing in my life.  So I'm done dating for the year, and I've backed off socializing except for established things like my gaming group, and one on one things with the few friends who have really stuck by me.

 

OK folks... going to make my new thread now, so I hope to see you there!

  • Like 1

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

Link to post

New thread:

 

  • Like 1

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

Link to post
1 hour ago, MichiruSedai said:

I think you were joking, but I actually have abandonment issues

 

I wasn't joking about having abandonment issues, but I guess I was being a little bit tongue-in-cheek about it. It's been a rough few months for me, and sometimes I deal with my pain using humor and sarcasm. I'm sorry if it came off as disingenuous (if that's even the right word). But you don't need to apologize. I understand that life can be crazy, and sometimes there really are more important things than keeping up with a discussion board (not sarcasm, btw).

 

I just missed your posts is all. But I'll be praying for you and hope to see you around this challenge.

  • Like 1

Who am I? -- My NF Character

Current Challenge: WolfDreamer Embraces His Wild Poet

Past Challenges: 

Spoiler

Winter is ComingWolfen Strengthens His Heart, Body, Mind, and Spirit, Wolfen Becomes One of the PeopleWolfen Strengthens His ChakrasWolfen Welcomes Summer and Gets Primal, Soulcon and Spartan, Wolfen Develops Mental ToughnessWolfen Joins the Wander SocietySoulcon, Spartan, School, and Stranger ThingsWolfen Becomes a Warrior EliteWolfen Goes Here and There and Back AgainWolfen Becomes a Soulcon Warrior EliteWolfen Returns to His RootsWolfen Wanders in Soul, Spirit, and BodyWolfen Owns the DayWolfen Searches for His Wild Heart, Wolfen Runs for His LifeWolfen Hits the TrailsWolfen Becomes an Explorer and Joins the ResistanceWolfen Goes Back to the SourceWolfen Begins the Hero's JourneyWolfDreamer Returns to the People,  WolfDreamer Pushes BackWolfDreamer PrioritizesBurpees, Books, and BrainworkBurpees, Books, Brainwork, and BodyworkWolfDreamer Masters the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Continues to Master the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Returns to SpartaWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Continues His Middle Earth AdventureWolfDreamer and the FallWolfDreamer Forges His Own PathWolfDreamer Has HopeWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Reads Harder, Breathes Harder, and Journals More

I'd rather sing one wild song and burst my heart with it, than live a thousand years watching my digestion and being afraid of the wet.” -- Jack London

“I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love.” -- Leo Tolstoy

"I feel love rising in my chest again
Rising like a burning sun into the day..." -- Gungor, "Hurricane"

"...wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17b

 

Link to post

I understand, and I greatly appreciate the well wishes, prayers, and posts.  :) *hugs*

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

Link to post

I'm sorry to hear it, @Teros   It truly sucks

I'll be visiting you in your new thread soon, I feel like we have a lot in common right now, so I want to give you any support I can

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

Link to post

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