Hiroro vs All the Feels

[Hiroro]

I sat out the last few challenges due to vacation/work travel/life. I've been on-again, off-again with working out and eating healthy (big surprise, I know). I was supposed to do a Spartan Sprint last weekend with coworkers but we ended up deferring due to collective injuries and conflicts (I am not injured but not prepared). I think we're going to be targeting a race in early November, which means I have 7 weeks to ACTUALLY TRAIN THIS TIME. As many races as I've done, every single I time I've undertrained...not just butterflies-at-the-starting-line-doubts, but clearly missed too many workouts to perform optimally. 

 

Long Term Goal: 25% body fat

This Challenge Goal: Feel my Feels

Reading one of the NF articles combined with some thoughts swirling around my crazy-brain made me realize...so many of my struggles are coming from a place of anxiety. My poor eating choices, and maybe even my various maladies (headaches and gut issues) which wear me out and drain my motivation to work out. Those moments in the store where I grab the bag of processed carbs, I'm feeling despair, hating myself for being weak, desperately wanting to feel better. I'm eating (and drinking) and watching TV, even reading, out of that desperation - needing that instant numbing and pick-me-up. I KNOW that I feel better when I work out (seriously don't know how people who don't feel the endorphin rush work out ever), but that place of feeling like I might cry or scream in groundless misery is not a place of energy. I'm simultaneously wound up and drained by anxiety. So this challenge...I'm going to try not to numb/drown the feelings. Getting back into the meditation habit and being more mindful of my choices is a start. I've been succumbing to the sucky feels - fighting back starts with understanding. As a reality check, work right now is not even particularly stressful - I'm just not handling it well.

 

Goal #1: Move 5x/week

For the endorphins. Any combination of yoga/running/walking/spartan workouts/spin/climbing.

Running-crying counts too.

 

Goal #2: Mindful shopping and eating

I know how to cook reasonably balanced meals. I'm not aiming for perfect paleo, but roughly:

Breakfast - protein, Lunch - protein + veg, Dinner - protein + veg + carb

I'm still struggling to find a way to balanced eating, but I'm tired of that post-work feeling-like-I'm-going-to-meltdown induced stop at the grocery store for cheese or chips. I've even fallen back into my popcorn addiction (I know it can be a healthy snack, but not the way I make it, ha).

The real goal is, every time I want to buy/eat something unhealthy, to:

1. Write down what I want and what I'm feeling
2. Take 3 deep breaths (or start a meditation through the Calm app)
3. As needed/available, use a non-food mood booster
4. If I still want it, have it

Ideally I will only eat unhealthy things when I am in a mental space to fully enjoy them, rather than a space of please-anything-to-make-it-better.

 

Goal #3: Wake early, Meditate daily

Just do it. Bed at 9. Lights out by 10. Up at 5.

 

THE PREPARATION

• I'm pre-paying for a year of Calm so I HAVE to use it to get my money's worth.
• I will buy the yoga pass with gift cards, and pre-book my classes for the whole challenge
• Stock the fridge with healthy easy staples: Steamfresh veggies, deli meat, eggs
• Make a list of mood-boosters that are not food/alcohol
• Make a list of healthy quick meals/snacks and post it in the kitchen
• Give fiance $50, and if I miss a workout it gets donated to Trump's 2020 campaign *shudder*. If I hit all my workouts I'll buy new running shoes.

 

THE REASONS

• JULY 2018 WEDDING!!! I bought my dress and even though I love it, I don't love how my upper arms look right now. Gotta work on those guns.
• Christmas in Spain - For one this is with my skinny sisters and mom and I'm sick and tired of being the heavy one in the pictures. I want to be able to indulge (TAPAS AND WINE) without feeling like I'm being judged by my mom, looking at me and thinking "this is why you're overweight".
• I wore holes in my size 10 jeans, and instead of buying new ones I squeezed into my size 8's. Since gaining weight again (142-->152lb) they are tight. I'm not buying bigger jeans.
• Spartan Sprint in November?
• My coworker is trying to talk me into doing a Spartan Trifecta next year. But based on my Sprint training track record I'm not ready to commit.
• But #1 is wanting to feel better all the time.

 

Psst this is my wedding dress:

Obviously this is not me. But the flower pattern in the fabric shimmers. Also it's sooooo comfy.

[Hiroro]

9/13 Wednesday

Breakfast: Yogurt

Lunch: beef with stir fried veg

Snack: apple

Pre-workout snack: crackers with pate

Dinner: cheeseburger sloppy joe

 

Workout: Spin class

Sleep: 12-5am

 

I got an email for a free spin class yesterday, which was the kick in the pants I needed to work out, but it was at 7:15pm...it was worth it because spin classes are $$$, but I won't sign up for that time again. My post-class energy was too high to settle down for sleep at a reasonable hour. Eating was okay, I didn't have my normal exhausted feeling at the end of the workday which helped. 

 

Lately I've been taking Benadryl at night because I have chronic allergies, and because it helps me sleep. Didn't take it last night and naturally woke up at 5am, with a start, thinking immediately about work. Ugh.

[Hiroro]

9/14 Thursday

Breakfast: Yogurt

Lunch: 2 half sandwiches, bag chips, half cookie

Dinner: 2 half sandwiches (ate a few bites earlier with ibuprofen)

 

Not great, not terrible. Lacking in veggies. I didn't plan a workout today because I expected to be destroyed after yesterday's spin class. Legs ached all night, but muscles felt okay today.

 

For pre-week I'm shooting for 3 workouts (since I had already missed Monday-Tuesday).

#1: 1/3

#2: 2/2 I did observe that today at lunch I was stressed because I ordered staff lunch and it didn't go smoothly, which may have contributed to eating the chips and half the cookie, but really it wasn't so terrible overall. I ate because I was hungry.

#3: First anxiety meditation complete!

 

Also I went to therapy and had a few action items:

• Talk to my boss about the promotion (the reasons to do it beat out the reasons not to)
• Write down 1 thing to do at work (because I get paralyzed with anxiety over how much I have to do and paradoxically end up surfing the Web)
• Write down 1 thing to do each day at home (because my to-do lists sound insurmountable and thus I give up because the list looked great at the end of the day but after work I'm drained)

I'm sort of embarrassed that it feels like I'm struggling with day to day life. Objectively, my life is easy and I have so much to be thankful for. I'm not dealing with trauma or natural disaster. But the negativity swamp is real.

[Salinger]

Hey that dress is gorgeous!!!

 

I hear you on the struggles, dont worry or panic and definitely dont be embarrassed! Even when we have things to be thank ful for, depression/anxiety is real. And its that thought process which can make us feel worse, the guilt! I know i struggle with it too. 

 

You are in a good place here, so much support. 

 

Looking forward to reading how well you are doing x

[Hiroro]

22 hours ago, Salinger said:

Hey that dress is gorgeous!!!

 

I hear you on the struggles, dont worry or panic and definitely dont be embarrassed! Even when we have things to be thank ful for, depression/anxiety is real. And its that thought process which can make us feel worse, the guilt! I know i struggle with it too. 

 

You are in a good place here, so much support. 

 

Looking forward to reading how well you are doing x

Thank you so much! I helps to express things even though it feels like I'm whining sometimes. The anxiety spiral is so dangerous.

[Salinger]

20 minutes ago, Hiroro said:

Thank you so much! I helps to express things even though it feels like I'm whining sometimes. The anxiety spiral is so dangerous.

 

Please dont think you are whining. I constantly 'complain' in my threads, but the support and encouragement help me a lot. 

 

How you been doing today? x

[Elastigirl]

Such a pretty dress! Anxiety is a very real thing, and not something to feel guilty for. Sounds like you are taking charge and handling it with a counselor.That is something you can be proud of. I've dealt with anxiety too, sometimes it can actually be less when there are actual real huge problems . It does help me to remember to be grateful though, like you said.

[Hiroro]

Thanks guys, it helps to feel like this is a safe space. Even with my friends, when I try to talk to them about feeling depression and anxiety it just seems to get this mildly horrified reaction -- even if they may have had those feelings too, it's still awkward to talk about. And fiance loves me but really doesn't get it, having some magical gene combination that doesn't let him have crazy emotion spirals.

 

Yesterday was good  Not optimal in terms of eating, but terrifyingly this is better than it has been - real food instead of popcorn for most meals.

 

9/15 Friday

Breakfast - cheeseburger sloppy joe

Lunch - cheeseburger sloppy joe (can you tell I'm trying to finish these leftovers?)

Snack - sticky rice with pork

Dinner - beef and carrot curry with rice

Post-dinner - wine

 

#1: 1/3 I had some energy after work but chose to use it to make dinner and wash dishes

#2: 3/3 Ate unhealthy things but not out of trying to feel better, and it was 'real food' instead of just popcorn.

#3: 2-day streak

 

 

As I'm trying to be more aware of my feelings instead of letting them control my thoughts (and actions ) willy-nilly, yesterday I noticed WOW I have a lot of feelings over the course of the day. Work causes anxiety/fear, frustration, irritation, relief, self-consciousness (when talking to people I don't know well, being my awkward self).

 

Trying to plan my bachelorette party is making me annoyed with my sisters. I'm going to have 3-4 more bridesmaids besides them, but between my two sisters, they've already restricted us to one weekend and a very limited budget. One sister is a medical resident, so I understand her schedule is very limiting - it's mostly the way she communicates "you can have it another time if you want. I just can't come". "I invited [cousin's wife] to the bachelorette party already. oh, you're not asking her to be a bridesmaid? well, when I get married I'm going to ask her to be in MY wedding" (cousin's wife is lovely and I'm happy to have her at my bachelorette, but as sweet as she is we really aren't that close. I was not in her wedding a few months ago.) Youngest sis is a college student, and as such it would be logical for her to not have much except that she has money, she just spends it all on concerts and shopping and restaurants. If she was a typical broke college student, I would totally chip in some of her share. But knowing that like me, she had tuition paid, and living expenses paid up until last year (when she got a tattoo and told everybody and thus had to tell my parents, who instead of cutting her off as promised are still paying tuition). Despite parental assistance, her paying co-ops, and a small windfall we received, she continues to fritter it away. My parents are at their wit's end, and for the most part I've taken a pragmatic approach - she needs to graduate and grow up and learn on her own the value of money. But now it affects me. I've cultivated a frugal lifestyle where I mostly eat in, and don't buy many things, and usually I enjoy living that way though it's more work sometimes - but chipping in for her for the bachelorette feels like subsidizing her extravagant lifestyle. I'm usually happy to treat her to meals and such, as the older, employed, sister it feels right. I've fumed over this for the past few days, but at this point I've nearly picked my bridesmaids, so I think I'm just going to tell Youngest sis/MOH what I want and she can figure out how to do it on her budget. 

 

Doing the dishes last night I struggled with resentment (feeling fiance doesn't do his share of chores), worry (that he'll never carry his weight, that he takes me for granted, that if I become a stay at home I'll be overworked and underappreciated), and small satisfaction at having it done. I fought my first instincts to be passive aggressive towards fiance about said dishes, or snipe at him, or work myself into a depressed, anxiety-ridden state over it. I prayed, and took deep breaths. I did NOT drink wine to get me through the task I regarded as unpleasant which I felt he should have done. I did have wine later, after I had calmed down, asked him to do the post-dinner dishes, and reached a happier more relaxed state. We played a game (Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes, fun!) and ended the day on a high note.

 

Welcome to the inside of my head. Guess this space is my journal now.

[Fonzico]

Hiroro! I'm sorry I didn't find your challenge sooner!

Your dress is so flipping gorgeous!

And you KNOW this is a safe space to work through stuff. We all do it.

+190000 for exercise helping with mood! Win win win.

[Hiroro]

Hi Fonzico, no worries I can barely keep up with my own thread let alone cross-post as much as everybody else.

 

9/16 Saturday

Breakfast - cheeseburger sloppy joe, coffee, 2 small zucchini muffins

Snack - one bite of soft pretzel

Dinner - roast pork, dumplings, rice

Afters - 1 glass wine, frozen yogurt

 

#1: 2/3 I miscalculated and forgot Sunday is the first day of challenge, whoops

#2: 3/3 Ate carbs and not vegetables, but not too much

#3: 3-day streak

 

Went to an amusement park, the roller coasters made me queasy so not hungry haha. A brief walk run in the morning, plus walking around the park.

 

9/17 WEEK 1 DAY 1 Sunday

Brunch - coffee, fried rice, dumplings, roast pork

Dinner - 2 glasses wine, chicken, green beans, biscuit, potato, 1 bite cake

 

#1 Work out: 0/5 so far

#2 Mindful eating: 1/1 I avoided snacking...by napping.

#3 Meditation: Nooooo I missed the very first day!

 

I may or may not have spaced on the challenge starting. But I had a very very relaxing Sunday  including a 3-hour afternoon nap.

In the evening I went to a charity dinner, and I ate most of my biscuit but just 1 bite of potatoes and 1 bite of cake (not that tasty, not worth it).

 

I have a spin class booked for Tuesday with a friend - commitment is good.

 

This weekend I realized something - even though I like grocery shopping in general (because food, yay), I tend to get a little...spacey at the grocery store. Something about the space, and the fluorescent lighting, and sososo many choices, and feeling like I have to resist the unhealthy things, and trying to optimize to save money...it's not like I have a panic attack or anything. But I often end up standing or wandering aimlessly through the aisles, feeling a depressed/anxious mood setting in. And then I have the impulse to buy/eat unhealthy things to feel better, and I stand there fighting that impulse - sometime I give in, sometimes not. But I always leave wanting to spend time by myself in a quiet room for a while. I found a thread on Reddit that showed me, this isn't just me! Other people get anxious at the store too. The small talk attempts at checkout are the WORST (I hate hate hate small talk in general). Someone posted that they listen to music, so I will try that next time to see if it helps me power through.

[Fonzico]

Hehe I just decided that my challenge starts on Monday. Because I am the boss of me!

Do you have a list when you're grocery shopping? Do you eat before you go? Two things that help me, anyways. Buy what's on the list (can sub veggies/meat for different varieties that are on sale) and just avoid the tempting aisles all together.

And if it's an option, use the self checkout to avoid small talk.

[Hiroro]

I do always have a list at the store. On weekends it's a physical list, on weekdays sometimes it's a mental list (because only one or two things). I'm not usually hungry at the store, so that isn't what drives me to buy unhealthy things. I am familiar with that problem...but mine is more like my brain just melts and I turn into a miserable zombie, so I buy things because I want to feel better. 

 

Recently I thought back over my last year and a half in this job and realized I don't cry anymore at/over work, so that's a vast improvement over the first six months (or year?) when I cried at least once a month. Over feeling overwhelmed and under-capable, and having to interact all day with people who may or may not want to do jobs, and may or may not think I'm doing my job correctly. I do think that even though it doesn't upset me the way it used to, I've definitely grown more jaded and cynical, and will probably continue to do so until I leave.

[Hiroro]

9/18 WEEK 1 DAY 2 Monday

Breakfast - forgot to eat? Coffee

Lunch - small portion beef curry rice, stir fried veggies

Dinner - steak with butter, broccoli. 2 pb filled pretzels

 

#1 Work out: 1/5 Spartan workout!

#2 Mindful eating: 2/2 

#3 Meditation: 1/2 

 

Look how healthy I ate! I totally wanted to bail on my workout, and usually even after planning to work out 5x/week I would slack off the first two days...saying I could totally work out the rest of the week...and then that would just not quite happen. But if I skipped Monday I wouldn't be leaving myself any wiggle room for the rest of the week, and this time I have that $50 donation to a certain political figure hanging over my head. So I did the Spartan WOD at home.

 

Yesterday I went to church small group - I meet three other women roughly every week (but lots of breaks due to holidays, travel, sickness, etc) we've been meeting for nearly a year and it's been sort of wonderful. I can tell them what I'm struggling with (fear of the future and loss of control, always) and it's a total judgement-free zone. We're currently talking about generosity, and I can already tell it's going to be a tough one. I'd like to increase our tithe and charity contributions because we could afford to give much more, but it's in direct opposition to our financial independence / early retirement goal. As I drove home last night I was in a total brain spiral thinking about how fiance probably would not be willing to increase our giving. When I got home I asked him what he thought about increasing our contributions. He is thinking it over and I am trying to not think about it too much (unsuccessfully, apparently) and just take deep breaths. It is best to let him mull it over, and working myself up into an agitated state expecting him to say no is pointless.

 

Deep breaths.

 

On a happier note...

My sister is mocking up our save-the-dates, here's one possibility (engagement photo  ). Those are my books, bonus points to anyone who recognizes the top cover.

[Xena]

Wow! You look beautiful in that picture. Stop worrying about how your arms will look in your wedding dress. You'll look great. Keep working out and eating healthy so you can be strong etc, but don't be so hard on yourself.

 

As far as the bachelorette party, is there any way to have two parts? A more modest frugal part and then a more fantabulous part for those who can afford it?

 

And I know this one is hard, try not to let other people feel guilty about your own wedding!!!

[Fonzico]

That picture is so sweet! I love it
Good job getting the WOD in... Sounds like you found some effective motivation.

Even if you and your fiance can't come to an agreement right now about increasing donations, what about non-monetary giving? Do you have time to volunteer?

[Hiroro]

Xena, I hadn't considered that, but it might be fun to have two parties...though it is one more thing to add to a crazy year...that would let me do one in California and one in/near Cincinnati O_O

 

Fonzico, I volunteer sporadically at church, and other events, but don't have a consistent volunteer role. Ideally I would do both - we just save so much that it's pretty clear we could give more without suffering at all.

 

9/19 WEEK 1 DAY 3 Tuesday

Breakfast - steak, broccoli, cheddar egg scramble

Lunch - sloppy joe cheeseburger filling (no bun)

Pre-workout snack - macadamia nuts

Dinner - beef and carrot curry with rice

 

#1 Work out: 2/5 Spin class

#2 Mindful eating: 3/3

#3 Meditation: 2/3

 

Leftover steak and broccoli made for an awesome breakfast scramble that's going to last me three meals, yay. After dinner I wanted more rice but decided to hold off and see if the hunger was real, and 3 hours of games later it was bedtime so...guess it wasn't. I met a friend for spin class and it was SO HARD ( I think I pushed myself a skosh too hard because I had, uh, pelvic floor weakness during and after). I'm making a date to run with another friend this week. I'm doing anxiety calming meditations. And holding off on weighing myself until the end of the week. A successful day.

[Xena]

11 hours ago, Hiroro said:

though it is one more thing to add to a crazy year

 

You make it sound very Ranger-ly ;-)

 

Though of course I get your point. Absolutely do whatever is best for YOU.

[Hiroro]

9/20 WEEK 1 DAY 4 Wednesday

Breakfast - steak, broccoli, cheddar egg scramble, coffee

Lunch - beef and carrot curry with rice

Dinner - pork chop, rice, green beans

 

#1 Work out: 3/5 Restorative yoga - not much of a workout, apparently I should have picked 'gentle yoga' because this class literally made me drift off to sleep at the end

#2 Mindful eating: 4/4

#3 Meditation: 3/4

 

I'm counting the workout because my intention was to do something a little more strenuous than just lying in different positions and breathing for 25 minutes. But my digestive system was acting up, so didn't feel the need to add on after the yoga video was done. Nausea in the afternoon, felt fine eating and right after dinner, so much nausea at bedtime (which made me very glad I had resisted wine, because that couldn't possibly have helped). Meant to sleep early but feeling so unwell kept me up. 

[Fonzico]

I'm sorry you weren't feeling well yesterday... Any clue what set you off? Hopefully today is better!

I'm very jealous of your steaky breakfasts. So yum!

[Xena]

Restorative yoga definitely counts...the intention was there and you put in the time.

So sorry for the nausea! Hope you can figure it out.

[Elastigirl]

Catching up. I love the engagement photo! I think you have a good point about your sister, and you not paying for her share in your party when she has the money.You are doing a great job with your food and exercise . I'm fine in grocery store, as long as I have a list. But stores like Target tend to overwhelm and over stimulate me.I end up just staring at the stuff. I guess with groceries, I've been shopping long enough I can do auto pilot. But with other stuff, there are so many choices, I just tend to freeze and not know what to choose. And then I buy something random, and totally forget what I went in for.Which is why I now do most of my shopping from Amazon.

 

[Fonzico]

How have the last couple days been? Missing you!

[Hiroro]

Ack I'm behind! If I don't post every day I forgot what I ate, but I'm still sticking with my goals! I can't believe Week 1 is already over.

 

Elastigirl - It's weird because I used to love the mall and Target and whatnot, but since becoming more minimalist (or perhaps having increased anxiety) I now feel meh about them. Like there are SO many options for everything, and old me who wants things (like pretty journals or notebooks when I have several at home) is in conflict with new me who is satisfied with what I have, plus cravings me is chiming in that wouldn't it be a great idea to buy 5 kinds of junk food? I have to say, the internet is sort of amazing for self-reassuring that even my craziest feelings and thoughts are common to at least some other people out there.

 

9/21 WEEK 1 DAY 5 Thursday

Breakfast - ham and cheese

Lunch - beef curry with rice

Dinner - rice porridge with butter and sesame oil

Workout - walk with a friend (4+ mi)

 

9/22 WEEK 1 DAY 6 Friday

Breakfast - rice porridge with butter and sesame oil

Lunch - rice porridge with butter, sesame oil, soy sauce

Dinner - fried rice, 1 glass wine

Workout - Rest day

 

9/23 WEEK 1 DAY 7 Saturday

Breakfast - potatoes, bacon, eggs, coffee (not very hungry, ate lightly)

Lunch - pork chop, green beans

Afternoon - 1 glass wine

Dinner - salad with chicken and falafel, hummus with veggies and garlic sauce

After dinner - 2 glasses wine

Late night so hungry - 2 bowls rice with butter, sesame oil

Workout - Spin class

 

 

Week 1 Summary

#1 Work out: 5/5

#2 Mindful eating: 7/7

#3 Meditation: 6/7

 

A solid week. I got a couple tough workouts in among the less strenuous ones. I indulged some but not all the time. Last night I got very very hungry hanging out at my parents' house after dinner (watching football), there was popcorn but that's so dangerous for me. Since I was craving carbs I waited until we got home and made rice, which while not nutritionally ideal is cheap, filling, and okay on my stomach. My digestive system rebelled against me this week, but (except for that one glass of wine Friday) I made it through without throwing up my hands and saying "well if I'm going to feel like crap when I eat healthy I might as well eat whatever I want". I definitely struggled through depressive periods and wanting to drink/eat my stress, and am still trying to figure out how best to deal with those feelings. Fiance was super sweet when I was down in the dumps Friday at the baseball game with no concrete reason.

 

My actual eating is not always mindful (aka while I'm watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix because I'm SO SAD it's going away), but I have been doing better at making mindful choices. I'm enjoying trying out the different meditations on the paid version of the Calm app. 

 

News: I had a discussion with my manager this week that concluded in him saying he would put me in for a promotion. It isn't really a role change, just a pay raise (which is really what I want anyways). The caveat is that company policy is that I have to stay in the role for 2 more years after accepting. My therapist advised me to go for it, because next year is going to be consumed with wedding activities anyhow so it isn't the best time to also be making a big change at work. I figured I might as well follow her advice, because the worst worst worst case scenario is doing nothing trying to keep my options open and still being in the same job two years later WITHOUT the promotion. I dread interviews in general, and trying for another job when nothing appeals to me just sounds exhausting -- all that lying, pretending to be enthused about a new role that I don't want.

 

Instead I'm going to work on cultivating more joy in my current job - don't ask me how, I'm still figuring that part out. There are good things about it - the mostly reasonable hours, I work with some great people, I get ownership of projects (and the feeling of success upon completion), getting to work around the product instead of just in front of a computer, theoretically unlimited paid vacation. But the stress of deadline pressure, being on call all the time, dealing with people being unpleasant, and even just having to get up and go to work most days weighs on me. Having caught glimpses of financial independence/early retirement (from reading other peoples' experiences), I want it. The possibility of not having to work for money is this beckoning light in the distance. I realize that nearly all adults work for a living, many in worse jobs for less pay - but counting myself lucky isn't the same as actually looking forward to going to work.

[Hiroro]

9/24 WEEK 1 DAY 8 Sunday

Breakfast - bacon and spinach souffle (Panera), coffee

Lunch - apple with peanut butter

Dinner - salmon, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese with broccoli

After dinner - 2 glasses wine

Workout - none

 

#1 Work out: 0/5

#2 Mindful eating: 1/1

#3 Meditation: 1/1

 

I wasn't eating my feelings, but the wheels came off a bit anyways. I felt okay about indulging in a (free, not nutritionally horrific) breakfast. I came home with the plan to make salmon and broccoli for dinner, maybe with rice. When I got home my fiance greeted me "don't freak out, I'm making dinner". Of course my controlling side was still silently freaking out a tiny bit, but when fiance steps up to cook salmon AND potatoes AND baked mac and cheese (not out of the box, and he creatively added broccoli) I really can't complain. I'm going to blame the carb bloat for my unfavorable weigh in this morning.

Now the wine at least is gone, and I am NOT buying any more this week. I will likely have a glass Friday evening at this live performance at a restaurant, and on Saturday at a gala. 

[Super Starling!]

I love that you are putting your emotional priorities first. (Even though, of course, you're trying to look great for your wedding, which I get. Though I must say you look great to begin with.) 

 

Is the book on top a Redwall book? Or am I just imagining seeing some kind of furry creature there? 

 

What sets off your digestive system, usually? I did a Whole 30, and when I came off it, I realized I hadn't thrown up the ENTIRE TIME. When I went back onto eating normal foods, I went back to barfing. It turns out I can't handle dairy super-well after sunset, wine is a disaster (though I can handle beer & hard liquor, go figure), greasy foods are Satan, and drinking soda on an empty stomach is a stomach lining dissolver.