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RisenPhoenix

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When we last left our hero.... he had written this entire thing and then the page reloaded and he lost it all.

 

This is a prime example to how my life has been over the last several weeks, and probably why I am such a mess of self loathing, anxiety, and stress right now.

 

Bear with me, this is now going to be the cliff notes version of the very long post I just wrote up.

 

1) The Shrine of ressurection

 

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I'm a mess.  I'm a ball of stress and anxiety, and a large amount is self-inflicted by how I schedule things in my life.  I tend to try and fill up every nook and cranny with things, and as of late that's been murder to me.  I need to strip a whole lot away and focus on being in a better place mentally.  So this first goal is less an weekly one, and more a "get things settled in the first week" one.  I need to get some relaxation in, and I need to take a whole week to accomplish it.

 

Goal: Self-care via removal.  Sleep.  Self-care.  Unwind.  Watch the diet.  Tell people to piss off No for social things.

 

I'm going to spend the first week sleeping in (relatively), having a nice and laid back morning routine, try to keep work to a 40ish hour work week, and ditch pretty much all my physical activities.  Yes, you read that right.  My morning activities make me get up at 5:30 and rush to wake up.  Aikido makes me not get home until 8 or 9PM and then rush around to prep for the morning/eat before trying to get to sleep at a reasonable hour.  I need to free up some time just to get myself to unwind a bit.  I love aikido, lifting, and November Project, but right now I don't want to force myself to adhere to anyone else's schedule but my own.  I have been running around like crazy the last few weeks (months?), and I have definitely shirked selfcare more than I should have.

 

2) The Cooking Pot

 

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My diet has been creeping up in the carb category lately, and I'm not a fan.  I've been feeling bloated and gassy and gross the last couple of weeks, and I'm starting to wonder if it's that carb macro creeping up.  Less from the carbs themselves, more from their sources.  Work has (not shockingly) a lot of free carby snacks available.  So I want to try and limit those.

 

Goal: Reduce carb intake.  Only have 1 granola bar from work a day.  Bring fat and protein heavy snacks to work.  Walk to long way back to my desk to avoid the junk food box.

 

Hopefully I can feel somewhat better by eating less junk.  Nothing I have been eating is inherently bad, but I think the quantity is getting to me.  Also if it comes with losing half an inch or so around my gut, so much the better.

 

 

3) Sheikah Slate Update

 

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So a large chunk of my stress comes from this: I'm over half way through my contract period at work.  And while my boss has flat out said that she intends to fight to get me a job full time after the contract ends, the fact of the matter is that statement is a far cry from "You have a full time job after this."  So I need to make sure I have irons in the fire to cover myself, because at the moment I can't see a very good argument for her to present besides "We like him and he works hard."  Good things to say, for sure, but not great when the workload isn't going to be the same once the person I'm covering for comes back and when we just had a former intern return on a part-time basis to cover smaller tasks.  

 

Goal: Update my resume, start looking twice a week for positions.  Spend 1-2 hours on Saturdays applying to potential positions.

 

Interestingly, this will be the first time I am applying to places while employed AND enjoy what I'm doing.  I suspect that'll add to the demotivation factor, so I'll need to combat that somehow.  No idea how, so if people have suggestions, that would be great.

 

4) The Adulting Adventure Log

 

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Just the general list of Adulting Tasks:

  • Spend a day to clean the bathroom (yes, it is that gross and requires that much of my attention to actually do the damn thing).  Then clean 10 minutes a week.
  • Take out AC unit from bedroom window.
  • Register for Fenway Spartan Sprint
  • Figure out if I can help a friend cover his booth at King Richard's Faire
  • Help prepare dojo for the annual seminar (Oct 13-15)

 

 

I'm sure I have more than few other adulting things.  I just need to not die in a puddled ball of stress in the next week to remember them.

  • Like 6

RisenPhoenix, the Entish Aikidoka

Challenge: RisenPhoenix Turns to Ash

 

"The essence of koryu [...is] you offer your loyalty to something that you choose to regard as greater than yourself so that you will, someday, be able to offer service to something that truly is transcendent." ~ Ellis Amdur, Old School

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Updated with goals and what not.

 

Now, I'm going back to my anxiety puddle state.

  • Like 1

RisenPhoenix, the Entish Aikidoka

Challenge: RisenPhoenix Turns to Ash

 

"The essence of koryu [...is] you offer your loyalty to something that you choose to regard as greater than yourself so that you will, someday, be able to offer service to something that truly is transcendent." ~ Ellis Amdur, Old School

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1 hour ago, Kishi said:

I kind of feel like I'm doing the same thing, trying to get away from going all the time. Let's see if we can get there.

 

The subtraction challenge last go around was nice in priming my current thought process.  This week I think will show what I really want and need to focus on, or maybe at least reshuffle priorities in my brain.  I'm hoping my exhaustion levels will help me avoid my lack of physical activity twitch, which might throw things off otherwise.  Guess we'll see.

 

 

And so yea.  This weekend I was an anxiety puddle. A sore, sick, miserable anxiety puddle.  It's probably the first time my brain and body agreed I needed a time out - usually my body revolts before my brain.  So I did the best puddle impression ever.  I slept a lot.  Ate kind of whatever I wanted (not that my house has much junk, honestly - Saturday night I went out to get ice cream and I allowed it only because the walk wasn't far and I hadn't eaten much all day).  The adulting I did was incredibly minimal, and just enough to get me through the first part of this week (though I did explore getting groceries delivered to me - a good option when I'm burnt out and know exactly what I want from and order).  I did end up doing some more adulting Sunday night when I felt more human, but by and large it was tiny things and the moment I felt the need to use willpower to continue, I stopped.  Willpower was meant to be recharged this weekend, not used.  So I would stop, read, play Zelda (I played a lot of Zelda), watch some TV.  Slowly drink my cup of coffee.  Just... let myself be.  And then I allowed myself to keep doing it all week.

 

I set my alarm for 6:40, rather than the 5:20-5:30 of a workout morning.  I let myself slowly drink my coffee and read on my porch.  By the time I was done with that it was roughly time to jump into the shower - though I panicked a little when I realized I hadn't packed a lunch.  But it took a few minutes, and wasn't that big of a deal.  Took a semi-long shower, did all the hygiene things, and still managed to leave the house a little before 8am.  Got to work at 8:20ish, which is amazingly fast and I still don't know how that worked.

 

Looking at this week, it's a bunch of prep, more than hands-on work.  Which works out great for me, because prep is easy.  I can relax a little.

 

Besides that, I'm not planning much this week.  I packed a gym bag and a bag for the dojo.  If I want to do either option when I'm out of work, I can.  Or I can go home.  Doesn't matter.  

 

 

 

Food today is showing I actually do remember how to eat well when not running myself ragged.  Eggs this morning for a mid-morning snack, a sandwich and veggies for lunch, some peanuts and an Rxbar for afternoon snacks.  I did nibble on a homemade cake a coworker brought in, and some cadbury chocolates from the UK.  No regrets on either of those options.  I'm still really low on calories for the day, but historically I graze on things when I get home, so that number will jump - but still likely less than I'd need over all.  I actually felt surprisingly good about my body this morning, though the weight on the scale said a number I'm usually panicked about (though it was after 2L of fluid, so clearly water weight).

 

So that's where I am on Day 2.  I'm keeping as calm and relaxed as possible, and moving things along best I can.  Hopefully that'll be a good indication on how this challenge will be.

  • Like 1

RisenPhoenix, the Entish Aikidoka

Challenge: RisenPhoenix Turns to Ash

 

"The essence of koryu [...is] you offer your loyalty to something that you choose to regard as greater than yourself so that you will, someday, be able to offer service to something that truly is transcendent." ~ Ellis Amdur, Old School

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Yup, that's the feeling. That's it, right there.

 

I took 5 days off from work and I'm feeling markedly better. Not back to 100%, but I no longer feel my bruised brain pulsing in my head. I relaxed, did some cleaning, celebrated my wife's 31st birthday, and just generally didn't push myself for a few days. Things are better now.

 

Take care of yourself, man. It's important. We like you =)

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"You are what you do. Choose again, and change." - Miles Vorkosigan

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3 hours ago, Kyellan said:

Yup, that's the feeling. That's it, right there.

 

I took 5 days off from work and I'm feeling markedly better. Not back to 100%, but I no longer feel my bruised brain pulsing in my head. I relaxed, did some cleaning, celebrated my wife's 31st birthday, and just generally didn't push myself for a few days. Things are better now.

 

Take care of yourself, man. It's important. We like you =)

 

Yup, I feel much better after not existing all weekend, and I'm trying to extend that while I work this week.  It felt weird when I got home yesterday a little after 5 instead of 8, and realized I could so some chores and what not and still relax reasonably well.  Part of me is twitchy and thinking of going to the dojo tonight, but I'm not sure if that's habit or an actual desire.  Really working to just keep things chill.

 

3 hours ago, Kishi said:

The training will still be there when you're back to normal. 'Til then, just chill.

 

This is what I keep telling myself.  My only fear is I'll get too comfortable with not doing things.  Guess we'll see what happens.

 

3 hours ago, The Tin Man said:

Good job with the just relaxing. J and I are both glad that you know you can easily say "Not this weekend" to SVGN and we get it. You are prone to doing all the things so it's good to see you taking a step back for mental and physical health. 

 

I won't lie, the strength of my "OH HELL NO" when J texted me was shocking to me, since you know I can puddle pretty well with you guys around.  Kind of contributed to my thought about how important it was for me to take a step back from all the things.

 

 

Food yesterday ended at 2200 calories, and that is mostly because I had 1) junk food at work and 2) I ate a pint of Halo Top.  That.... I'm honestly unsure how I feel about that.  Without those items I would have been at 1600 calories, which is wellllll below where I should eat, even on inactive days.  But at the same time, I don't know if I care *that* much.  I was content with what I ate, felt satiated, and my macros looked decent, if a bit lower than I'm used to.  I'm trying to not over think it.  Not good if I intend to do aikido for several hours at night after work, but I'm not entirely hating the concept when I'm inactive.  Guess we'll see if I get more hangry at night as the night progresses.

 

Today right now I pretty much fasted from 8 or 9PM last night to 12PM today.  Not a crazy fasting window, but 15 hours without really pushing for it is... interesting.  I did have a late morning banana, but that was it.  So strange.  We'll see how the rest of the day plays out.

 

 

Plans post-work are... who knows.  I need to go to the store to grab some cleaning supplies, and it's kind of gross out.  Depending on when I get out from work (and I have a light day), I might be able to hit the store, go to the dojo for a class, and then relax at home from 8pm till bedtime.   Not a terrible sounding plan in my mind.

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RisenPhoenix, the Entish Aikidoka

Challenge: RisenPhoenix Turns to Ash

 

"The essence of koryu [...is] you offer your loyalty to something that you choose to regard as greater than yourself so that you will, someday, be able to offer service to something that truly is transcendent." ~ Ellis Amdur, Old School

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Went to the dojo last night.  It felt like it had been an eternity... but it had only been 4-5 days.  It was good to be on the mat, but I'm glad I decided ahead of time to only do one class regardless of who taught second/showed up/because I suddenly felt like it.  It helps that I started to feel exhausted halfway through the class - probably because I didn't eat much yesterday.  Sometimes I forget how much fuel I need to be functional at aikido.

 

I also managed to squeeze in an errand before class - to grab more cleaning supplies for the inevitable bathroom cleaning.  I also bought a reese's PB cup.  Because I could.  Deal with it.

 

After aikido I took it easy.  I called my grandmother because it was her birthday, and probably should do so more frequently anyway (besides just seeing her at family events).  She was thrilled about me calling for her birthday, but possibly more thrilled to talk about Game of Thrones with me.  Have you all ever seen a quintessential British nanny geek out over dragons and beheadings?  Because let me tell you, it is an odd, odd, entertaining sight.

 

This week at work is pretty relaxed, which I like.  No crazy emergencies, even if a few odd things dropped into my lab.  Met with my boss this morning to go over things, and I think we're finally on the same page on some of the bigger experiments.  I also asked her how frantically I should be sending out resumes.  On the plus side, she's really, really going to bat to try and get me brought on full time.  On the downside, she also admits that she doesn't know if the woman I'm covering for is coming back, and if she is how complicated it is to get approval for a new Full Time person.  She did say that if the woman I'm covering for doesn't come back, then yes I have an insta-job.  But she and I agreed I should start sending things out to cover my ass, though she also said we could probably extend my contract a bit, too, even if they don't bring me on full time.

 

So.  Time to start dusting things off.  Goodie. -_-

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RisenPhoenix, the Entish Aikidoka

Challenge: RisenPhoenix Turns to Ash

 

"The essence of koryu [...is] you offer your loyalty to something that you choose to regard as greater than yourself so that you will, someday, be able to offer service to something that truly is transcendent." ~ Ellis Amdur, Old School

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1 minute ago, The Most Loathed said:

You you tried the ones with Reese's Pieces in them. I'm not going to say that you should 

Image result for reese's pieces gif

 

Honestly, I tried them a while back and was not impressed.  It felt just like m&m shells in my PB cup, and that wasn't an amazing thing in my opinion.  I love pieces by themselves, and I love PB cups.  Together they were underwhelming.

RisenPhoenix, the Entish Aikidoka

Challenge: RisenPhoenix Turns to Ash

 

"The essence of koryu [...is] you offer your loyalty to something that you choose to regard as greater than yourself so that you will, someday, be able to offer service to something that truly is transcendent." ~ Ellis Amdur, Old School

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39 minutes ago, RisenPhoenix said:

 

Honestly, I tried them a while back and was not impressed.  It felt just like m&m shells in my PB cup, and that wasn't an amazing thing in my opinion.  I love pieces by themselves, and I love PB cups.  Together they were underwhelming.

agreed.

 

also, hi! <3

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15 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm happy they want to take you on full time at the lab, and even more happy they are leveling with you about the chances of that happening.

 

I mean, yea, it's great they want me full time, and I am glad that they are being blunt with me.  But it doesn't help my anxiety levels and psuedo-PTSD from my long unemployment stint.  Gathering motivation and energy to search AGAIN after becoming so comfortable here is.... not a great feeling.  And it's probably contributing to why I feel so mentally drained at the moment.  It's really strange for me to get my anxiety pangs (as in, physical symptoms of my anxiety manifesting) driving into a job I enjoy.  I should probably go back on the anxiety meds until I get things sorted again.  Which is a whole other thing I don't want to deal with.

 

 

 

So yea.  I'm kind of a mess, and I have no motivation or energy to do much of anything.  The semi-enforced break is nice, but I feel like I need something longer.  But my eating has been pretty terrible, so I should get back on the exercise wagon in a vague attempt to outrun my fork.  I do think I need to scale things back right now though, and focus on good sleep habits.  This is vaguely like when I dropped lifting the last time so I could focus on sleep.  I suspect something similar will happen this time - though maybe I'll still try lifting once a week.  Dunno.

 

Then again, looking at my food choices over the last week I am now realizing things aren't terrible.  Wednesday and yesterday were a wash.  Wednesday I got the news that I might not have a job in December.  So I allowed myself the day to wallow and emotionally eat.  Yesterday was taco day at work.  I ate a lot of taco meat and veggies and guac.  I gave up counting after that meal.

 

I'm just super tired feeling like I'm fighting everything in my life.  The last few months were incredibly calm and a reminder of what life could be, and it's just all come crumbling down in a very short period of time.

 

I'll survive.  I always do.  It's just tiring.

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RisenPhoenix, the Entish Aikidoka

Challenge: RisenPhoenix Turns to Ash

 

"The essence of koryu [...is] you offer your loyalty to something that you choose to regard as greater than yourself so that you will, someday, be able to offer service to something that truly is transcendent." ~ Ellis Amdur, Old School

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I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I want to emphasize that you are having a very normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. Being jobless was very painful, and your brain is trying to brace you to relive that pain because it sees it coming. That is a survival skill that has helped you in the past, and while it may not be helping you now, it's good to honor it as a help from the past, and retrain it to be a help in the present.

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Well, worst thing that can happen with this job is that you lose it. So you prepare for it, and if anything else happens, it's a pleasant surprise.

 

Maybe I'm just cynical after ten years of being burned on BS jobs, but I would make a point of checking in with them to see how the fight's going. It's just way too plausible to me for them to say to you that they're going to fight for you and then not do anything. "Oh, no, we lost, but we said we'd fight for you, so sorry!" Yeah. No. I mean, if they honestly fight for you and lose that fight, it's one thing. But there's no sense in losing a job on a BS promise that they don't mean to keep. I don't know how you'd graciously go about keeping them accountable to that, or if it works that way in the Sciences.

 

If I was approaching this like a bureaucrat - which, ha, I am, hail comrades! - I'd make a point of logging my accomplishments and turning them in to the boss on a daily/weekly basis. Not because they don't know what you're doing, but because you want them to know that you know what you're doing. Maybe periodically ask them how your prospects are shaping up, and gently remind them that you're going to have to look for work elsewhere. If you score interviews, definitely let them know about that. No dishonor in trading fear of loss for fear of loss. And if they get noncommittal about it, then you know where things really stand.

 

Just my .02.

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Just a tiny update. 

 

Finally got to talk with my boss yesterday (turns out she was missing all morning because she was getting sworn in as a new US citizen. 'Murca!"). A laaaaaarge amount of my anxiety evaporated once we connected about stuff I sent her the night before and that morning, as well as her commenting that my ability to learn is one reason why she's keeping me. 

 

Which lead to the reminder that we technically dont know that, and she corrected herself to "Want to keep you." At which point I said I was going to update my resume and ask the recruiter for the job description I was hired on, and would send them to her for ammunition for the fight. Her eyes lit up and whole heartedly agreed with the idea, and thanked me for being on top of getting all the ducks in a row so she could fight to keep me. 

 

So. Spent the day working on my resume, will email it tomorrow or Monday. And hopefully it makes a good case for me. 

 

But damn my anxiety was terrible yesterday. 

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RisenPhoenix, the Entish Aikidoka

Challenge: RisenPhoenix Turns to Ash

 

"The essence of koryu [...is] you offer your loyalty to something that you choose to regard as greater than yourself so that you will, someday, be able to offer service to something that truly is transcendent." ~ Ellis Amdur, Old School

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Hokay.  So.  New Week.

 

How did the recharge week go?  I'm honestly unsure.  Part of me definitely just wants to still hide, but the concept of human interaction isn't a terrible though in my brain right now.  From a physical stand point, I'm a bit more unsure.  Extra sleep and rest definitely seemed to help a great deal, and right now I'm not opposed to physical activity, but not exactly searching for it a bunch.  That said, yesterday I went on a lovely hike with @raptron,  @The Tin Man and J, and @ArgSki77.  And I decided to wear my ruck with bricks, because why not.  Then we all went to Worchester to grab some burgers and beer.  It was a good day, and a good way to start the week.

 

So the plans for this week.  At least three days of aikido, plus Stairs.  Food should be kept where I'm at - something around 2400-2500 calories on days I'm inactive, and something more like 2800-3000 calories on active days.  I also want to try and see how many calories I need to eat before aikido to make sure I don't feel off halfway through class.  I suspect it's something like 1600 calories minimum, or maybe something more like 300 calories of easy-to-digest food an hour before or so.  

 

Adulting-wise, I need to get my car looked at.  While driving to the hike my check engine light came on, so who knows what's up with that.  I'm hoping my car just wants a bit more oil in the tank, since last time this happened that was all it wanted - but last time I needed and oil change and this time it's pretty full.  Hopefully it isn't anything super serious.  I also should get the AC unit out of my window, because this week is going to be really nice and dry, unlike this last week.

 

Anywho.  I have stuffs to do, so I'll ramble more later.

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RisenPhoenix, the Entish Aikidoka

Challenge: RisenPhoenix Turns to Ash

 

"The essence of koryu [...is] you offer your loyalty to something that you choose to regard as greater than yourself so that you will, someday, be able to offer service to something that truly is transcendent." ~ Ellis Amdur, Old School

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Hey there, finally catching up. Sounds like your hermiting week did what you needed. You made it through some emotionally difficult conversations and were able to get things done.

 

I agree that it is smart for you to cut back on your goals while you have so much stress in your life. Keeping lifting, aikido and stairs on the "go when you feel like it" would be one way to relieve pressure. I know that food and weight have been a struggle for you for a long time. I continue to believe that dealing with stress and sleep need to be the first steps. Changing how and when you eat come later. Your body is not in a place to deal with a calorie shortage right now. Once you feel better about your world, you know how to tailor your eating to your activity.

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