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The Silver Archer: Heart of Purpose


SkyGirl

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Don't beat yourself up Sky. You did not learn those traits in a vacuum. You did what you had to do to survive, and did the best you could with all that you had. Now you are at a place in your life where you no longer need those skills to survive, and they have become harmful. 

 

Here's the first resource I'm going to give you.

http://coda.org/

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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13 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Don't beat yourself up Sky. You did not learn those traits in a vacuum. You did what you had to do to survive, and did the best you could with all that you had. Now you are at a place in your life where you no longer need those skills to survive, and they have become harmful. 

 

Here's the first resource I'm going to give you.

http://coda.org/

 

I opened the tab to read the materials later, after I've finished some of my work ... thank you, Tank. We have a good counseling center here at our university, and I'm thinking about paying them a visit, after I've slept on it for a day or two and read some of these materials. I have so many good things ahead of me, and I want to be as strong as I can be to embrace them with joy and health - not the least of which is serving in a larger capacity here in NF. Going to counseling sounds very scary, but maybe it's time to get some help.

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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Today is a new day! I was deeply rattled in my spirit last night as I read about codependency and began to question my motives for literally everything I ever did ... but this morning, I wrote a long message to a dear friend explaining my thoughts and feelings, and doing so helped me to sort some things out and see things in a less despairing light.

 

I am not "codependent". What I mean by that is, that is not how I choose to define myself or how I choose to act. Just like I have chosen, and try to choose every day, not to see myself as fat or ugly, I woke up this morning and chose to no longer be codependent.

 

I choose to protect and respect myself in relationships by saying "no", or "I'm not comfortable with that", or "I'll have to get back to you". I choose to spend less time on social media, and therefore to stop letting the posts, pictures, comments, likes, and shares of others take up such a massive percentage of my time and mental space. I choose to spend more of my time with people who love me for who I am, just me, and less time with people who love me because of what I do for them. And into the time and space that has been occupied with the people whom I surrounded myself with to feel important, I want to pour things that will nourish me, like reading good books and articles, drawing, crocheting, decorating my house, listening to sermons, and even watching good movies or shows without sitting and messaging three or four people in the meantime.

 

Now, the underlying issue to all this, of course, is the deeply rooted feeling that I am not worthwhile or valuable when I don't do anything, when I just be. That belief has been a part of me for a very long time - maybe I can trace it back to the works-oriented churches I grew up in; maybe I can trace it back to being the oldest child and being taught to set a good example for my younger siblings; maybe it's just part of my sensitive, depressive personality. But regardless of the cause, I have to stop thinking that I'm only important and worthy if I'm crucifying myself. I used that word intentionally, too. No amount of doing, helping, supporting, "being there for," or giving can make me somehow worthy. I am worthy because my Creator loved me enough to sacrifice everything He had to buy me back; and that is the true source of who I am and what I am worth. 

 

I may look around for a Christian counselor at some point to help me begin to change that underlying false belief and thinking pattern, and it will certainly be my focus of prayer when I go to the retreat with my friend in a few weeks. But I can start with my actions today. One of my friends messaged me this morning and tried to engage me in a conversation about some drama going on in her life, and I answered it at first, but then I chose to step away to focus on writing this post. I'm not going to start suddenly saying "no" to everything, but I'm going to try to avoid the compulsivity and guilting myself that come with codependency, and pray for wisdom to make conscious choices of what I can/should and can't/shouldn't do for people.

 

------------

 

When I first started reading, freaking out, and thinking yesterday, I was at first overwhelmed with a feeling of defectiveness and powerlessness. How could I ever be a friend to anyone again without being afraid I would lapse into these manipulative behavior patterns? How many people have I wronged and used over the years - how many good friendships have I missed, and how many sick people have I enabled? My upcoming announcement involves my taking on a leadership role and serving as a sort of low-level mentor to others - was I still qualified to do that? Should I withdraw my name from consideration?

 

But after my sister helped me talk through those thoughts, I realized that yes, I can still be a mentor, because I am choosing to acknowledge my struggle and take steps to overcome it. No one needs a mentor who is perfect, never struggles, and has no flaws or character defects - that kind of person isn't inspiring; s/he is intimidating. We all need real, brave, growing, living, messy people to look up to, and I am determined to be that kind of person.

 

jennifer-lawrence-as-katniss-everdeen-in 

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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Your healing has begun. Now stick with it. See that counselor sooner, rather than later. You're gonna make it, just be gentle when it takes a while. You didn't get like this overnight, you won't get healthy overnight either.

But you WILL get healthy.

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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It's really been a weird experience being so vulnerable on here these last few days ... I'd much rather post about rowing and lifting and yoga, but it seems that it's my feelings that have been stiff and in need of some stretching, and not my tendons or muscles.

 

It's really challenging my whole concept of myself and who I am, and how I operate ... staying home from the gym to brood has probably not been helping, so I'm going to go try to get some hard rowing and heavy weights in tomorrow. (And brood at the same time, if necessary.)

 

L7plIpB.gif 

 

Spoiler

 

I kind of hit bottom last night ... was filled with all sorts of Unspeakable Panic at All the Horribleness That Is Me, and couldn't sleep until almost 4AM because of all the tension and wanting to cry but not being able to. I was reading self-help articles that were making me nervous, then stumbled upon a self-help article about "emotional affairs" with married coworkers, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I sat shivering in my chair, certain that I was a broken, immoral, dysfunctional wreck who was doing nothing but harm to all the people I loved so deeply.

 

When I did finally go to bed, crying and praying for God to help me find my way through my anxiety and confusion, the "verse of the day" on my Bible Gateway app was almost an exact answer to what I had prayed - Proverbs 19:20-21: "Listen to counsel and accept discipline, That you may be wise the rest of your days. Many plans are in a man’s heart, But the counsel of the Lord will stand." I certainly could have interpreted that in a condemning manner, like God was chastising me for all of the horrible things I've done; but at that moment, it reminded me of all the other verses where God promises to lead me, guide me, sanctify me, and make me wise. It helped me remember that, even when everything seemed wrong and I didn't know who I was, He was still with me, still holding my heart, and still loving me very, very much.

 

I woke up this morning and went to Bible study, which was a quiet and nourishing time today, and a few of the classmates I'm closest to were in the office afterward, so I had a lot of happy, affectionate conversations that lifted my spirits. My professor was content with my work, and I made a point to send a message to my editor's wife, telling her how much I appreciate her. Tonight I got to see the young man I'm hoping to get to know better, and my brother and sister took me out to dinner. 

 

I'm going to do a bedtime yoga sequence and then go to sleep in exactly one hour, and I'm going to use that sleep to give everything up to God and ask Him to soothe my anxiety; give me wisdom, instruction, and health in all of my relationships; and help me trust Him to sanctify me and make me holy.

 

When I told the young man I'm hoping to get to know better that I was feeling stressed once, he smiled and said, "But don't you believe in God?"

 

"Yes," I said, puzzled.

 

"Do you believe His Word is true?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Doesn't He say in His Word that He is working everything out for you?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Then why are you worried? Don't you believe Him?"

 

... It puts everything in perspective. That's what I'm going to start asking myself - "But don't you believe Him?"

 

 

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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That young man sounds wise as well as sweet. As I was reading, my thought were right along with that verse. God is working in you. He will never give up on you. You love the Lord, and you are His, He will finish His work in you. It was God who showed you that you needed to set my boundaries when you needed. He is a good God, and He is faithful . You are His daughter, and you are precious to Him.

 

Phillipians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that he who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus

 

I love the Batgirl costume!!! And woohoo for your professor being content with you work!

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Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind' Luke 10; 27

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Hi New Friend. Just wanted to thank you for greeting me and check in on your life, and ohhhhh man you are going through some things.

 

I see you. I've been through similar. Articles on codepency are basically bios of various stages of my life. It can be a long process to untangle. 

 

But look at you! Recognizing it and facing it and unpacking it, and deciding to let your drive to help others serve as motivation to untangle this pattern, so that you can be a more effective supporter! All within, what, 4 days? That is some heroic brilliance right there. That is bravery and truth. 

 

But here's the upside: you do still get to be a mentor. The best kind, even. Because on the other side of becoming aware of these patterns and building strategies for managing them, you still get to keep all of that empathy and care and commitment to serve the people in your life. You just get better at it. 

 

And you get better at caring for yourself, too. Which again, makes you way better at loving others, especially in your long-term connections. 

 

Awareness of codependency is a virtuous cycle and a lifelong mission and eventually a superpower. You'll see you're not the only one fighting this battle, but rather are part of a massive pattern in our culture that is begging for new strategies. You'll be able to see patterns most people are oblivious to, and navigate the wilderness with more ease and wisdom. And in time, you will become a mentor to those who need to untangle this stuff too.  

 

This awareness is a gift. I am so happy for you, Sky. And I understand the pain that comes with it. Breathe into it. Let crying happen. Let that emotional rollercoaster be a source of feeling alive. You've got this. 

 

giphy.gif

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"First you decide what you've gotta do, and then you go out and do it. And maybe the most that we can do is just to see each other through it." -Ani Difranco

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Hey Skygirl, I've been following along and praying for you.   I've left the talking to some of the wiser more experienced mentors 'round these parts, but know that you are in my thoughts.    You're digging deep, which can be oh so painful and scary, but it's kind of like getting a long festered thorn out of your paw.   You'll be able to heal once it's out, and before you know it you'll be running full bore on the once crippling paw.

 

I concur with the others on like, everything.  And that BatGirl costume is amazing!

 

 

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Level 83 ~*~ Ranger

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13 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

That young man sounds wise as well as sweet.

 

He is. :)  I haven't known him long enough to say whether I like like him, but his faith is battle-tested and strong as iron, and his fun-loving, upbeat spirit have brought an unexpected spark of joy into my life. Even as a friend, I'm eager to get to know him better.

 

13 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

God is working in you. He will never give up on you. You love the Lord, and you are His, He will finish His work in you. It was God who showed you that you needed to set my boundaries when you needed. He is a good God, and He is faithful . You are His daughter, and you are precious to Him.

 

Phillipians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that he who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus

 

Philippians 1:6 is one of the most important verses in the Bible for me - I have clung to that promise through many seasons of self-doubt, and it is just as strong of an anchor for me this time. He will perfect it. That's not a conditional promise. He doesn't say He'll perfect the good work in me "if" I do this or that or the other thing. He will perfect His good work in me, whether I can see how or not, whether I understand His will or not, whether I feel like there's any hope of ever growing or not. This time of unveiling and reflection is just another step along a journey whose destination I already know.

 

My friend said that too - he said life is like an avant-garde French novel. Apparently some authors in France write the beginning of a book and the end of a book, with several hundred blank pages in between; and it's meant to tantalize the reader by asking him or her to imagine what might have happened on those pages to get the characters from the beginning to the end. I have no idea whether he was telling the truth, but regardless, that is a perfect metaphor for life - I still have a lot of blank pages ahead of me, but they're not all blank. The end ones are already filled out.

 

3 hours ago, EaseActivate said:

Hi New Friend. Just wanted to thank you for greeting me and check in on your life, and ohhhhh man you are going through some things.

 

I see you. I've been through similar. Articles on codepency are basically bios of various stages of my life. It can be a long process to untangle. 

 

But look at you! Recognizing it and facing it and unpacking it, and deciding to let your drive to help others serve as motivation to untangle this pattern, so that you can be a more effective supporter! All within, what, 4 days? That is some heroic brilliance right there. That is bravery and truth. 

 

But here's the upside: you do still get to be a mentor. The best kind, even. Because on the other side of becoming aware of these patterns and building strategies for managing them, you still get to keep all of that empathy and care and commitment to serve the people in your life. You just get better at it. 

 

And you get better at caring for yourself, too. Which again, makes you way better at loving others, especially in your long-term connections. 

 

Awareness of codependency is a virtuous cycle and a lifelong mission and eventually a superpower. You'll see you're not the only one fighting this battle, but rather are part of a massive pattern in our culture that is begging for new strategies. You'll be able to see patterns most people are oblivious to, and navigate the wilderness with more ease and wisdom. And in time, you will become a mentor to those who need to untangle this stuff too.  

 

This awareness is a gift. I am so happy for you, Sky. And I understand the pain that comes with it. Breathe into it. Let crying happen. Let that emotional rollercoaster be a source of feeling alive. You've got this. 

 

@EaseActivate, I'm not sure whether I have ever received a more important reply/message. I'm going to have to go back and read it several times to unpack all of the goodness and helpfulness in it - line by line, I could respond with gratefulness for everything you said. On the one hand, today I'm starting to realize that I'm still me, just the same as I was before; but I'm also different, too, because something that was hidden for many years is now revealed and must be dealt with. And being caught between those two truths is unbalancing and strange.

 

I finally cried a little bit this morning when I read your message, and so much relief washed over me. The last two paragraphs in particular were a fresh breeze of hope that I desperately needed. I'm so glad to have met you and so glad that you are farther along in your journey. Thank you so much for your encouragement!!

 

3 hours ago, Starpuck said:

Hey Skygirl, I've been following along and praying for you.   I've left the talking to some of the wiser more experienced mentors 'round these parts, but know that you are in my thoughts.    You're digging deep, which can be oh so painful and scary, but it's kind of like getting a long festered thorn out of your paw.   You'll be able to heal once it's out, and before you know it you'll be running full bore on the once crippling paw.

 

Thank you so much, Starpuck - I've been afraid that I shouldn't process all this in the forums because of its messiness and ugliness, but I knew that there was no real-world space where I would be more understood and supported than I would be here. Learning balance and independence is going to make me that much more productive, healthy, and happy - even if slowly digging around, finding those bad habits and beliefs, and using tweezers to painfully pick them out is going to definitely involve "embracing the suck". And I hope that later down the road, I can show people this thread and say "see what the Lord has done for me!". 

 

I'm so glad to have you as a friend and prayer-cheerleader!! :D 

 

3 hours ago, Starpuck said:

And that BatGirl costume is amazing!

15 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

I love the Batgirl costume!!!

 

Thank you!! I mostly chose it because it was the only one I could find on the rack without having to order ... but Batgirl is one of my favorite superheroes because of her dual book-nerd / crimefighter personality. Plus, she is a girly girl like me, and her feminine intuition is a strength that Batman and Robin rely on. So she's pretty much a perfect choice for my costume!!

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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8 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

Philippians 1:6 is one of the most important verses in the Bible for me - I have clung to that promise through many seasons of self-doubt, and it is just as strong of an anchor for me this time. He will perfect it. That's not a conditional promise. He doesn't say He'll perfect the good work in me "if" I do this or that or the other thing. He will perfect His good work in me, whether I can see how or not, whether I understand His will or not, whether I feel like there's any hope of ever growing or not. This time of unveiling and reflection is just another step along a journey whose destination I already know.

 

My friend said that too - he said life is like an avant-garde French novel. Apparently some authors in France write the beginning of a book and the end of a book, with several hundred blank pages in between; and it's meant to tantalize the reader by asking him or her to imagine what might have happened on those pages to get the characters from the beginning to the end. I have no idea whether he was telling the truth, but regardless, that is a perfect metaphor for life - I still have a lot of blank pages ahead of me, but they're not all blank. The end ones are already filled out.

 

Agreeing with this and just want to say how gifted you are with words. You have a wonderful way of bringing truth to light in your words

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Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind' Luke 10; 27

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16 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

When I told the young man I'm hoping to get to know better that I was feeling stressed once, he smiled and said, "But don't you believe in God?"

 

"Yes," I said, puzzled.

 

"Do you believe His Word is true?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Doesn't He say in His Word that He is working everything out for you?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Then why are you worried? Don't you believe Him?"

 

... It puts everything in perspective. That's what I'm going to start asking myself - "But don't you believe Him?"

Worry is not the same as stress. Your young man is well meaning, so I'm not trying to denigrate him. There is a slippery slope with this line of thinking that can lead to dissmissing someone's emotions as "unholy." Embracing that line of thought too tightly can set you up for misery in the future. Feeling stressed is normal. Now, giving that Stress to God is a healthy thing, I just want to point out that feeling stress is not a sign that one does not believe in God.

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Current Challenge

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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Waking up to reality this morning after one of the most surreal and beautiful 48 hours of my life ... I turned an incredibly crummy paper into something halfway decent in 12 hours; I had a glowing meeting with my professor in which she was happy and chatty and praised my work; my brother and sister took me to a beautiful jazz concert on campus; and to top it all off, the young man messaged me in the middle of the night and asked me to start dating him.

 

tumblr_inline_oof3oaebef1ty2suc_500.gif

 

I'm finally feeling like myself again today after a much-needed sleep and trip to the gym ... my professor is back to being upset with my tardiness again (even though it genuinely wasn't my fault this time!) and my workout this morning was good. I did the stair-climber for 15 minutes and quick stints on the high pull cable machine, chest press and overhead press machines, thigh adductors and abductors, and that machine where you pull the handles down to work your triceps and shoulders, whose name I can never remember.  :) 

 

And my dear friend @Rhovaniel brought it to my attention in her thread that today is the last day of the challenge ... I've been so wrapped up in my own head that I didn't even realize.

 

b20007_822266c4c8604b2a86442db3ed4da36a. 

 

Physically, I made very little progress in this challenge - I only went to the gym four times this month, and tracking in MFP is still definitely not a habit. But I'm willing to give myself some space in that regard, because mentally, I feel like a block tower that was completely knocked over, and all the pieces are being stacked up together again into something that looks completely different than it did before. I'm going to need to learn about a new version of myself who is not codependent, and who is dating, and who goes to church regularly, and who is finding her place and her life's work - and who is meeting her professor's expectations.  :P  I need to do some serious sitting down and taking stock of myself, and create some goals for the next challenge that are focused on my long-term Big Goals and helping me learn about and strengthen this new self I'm trying to build. Time management, checking in with myself on relationships, and finding something to juice up my workouts all come to mind.

 

Aaaaandd, there is SO much fodder in all this for stories. Sky has just made a big decision to yank herself back to Middle Earth, at least temporarily; and she's going to have to deal with her own life-wounds, her own angry teacher, and helping Ayre and Aki without putting her mission and training in danger. 

 

What happens next? Stay tuned ...

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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Exciting news! Congrats!

“All You Have To Decide Is What To Do With The Time That Is Given To You.” - Gandalf

 

Current Challenge: A Bold New Year

 

 

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Previous Challenges: 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13 1415|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23|24|25|26|2728 29|30

The Chronicles of Rhovaniel, Dúnedain Ranger: Vol I, Vol IIVol III, Interim| Vol IV|Vol V 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Congrats to you and the young man.

 

1 hour ago, Rhovaniel said:

Exciting news! Congrats!

 

Thank you!! I would never in a million years have timed it this way, but he's kind and brave and good, so I'm going to pray and trust and see what happens next.

 

After we've gone out a few times and I'm sure he's going to stick around, I'll give him a better nickname.  ;) 

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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13 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

 

 

Thank you!! I would never in a million years have timed it this way, but he's kind and brave and good, so I'm going to pray and trust and see what happens next.

 

After we've gone out a few times and I'm sure he's going to stick around, I'll give him a better nickname.  ;) 

I like referring to him as your young man, FWIW.

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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So my Bible reading was in the Psalms this morning, and I came across these verses that sounded just like my last story segment:

 

I pursued my enemies and overtook them,

And I did not turn back until they were consumed.

I shattered them, so that they were not able to rise;

They fell under my feet.

For You have girded me with strength for battle;

You have subdued under me those who rose up against me.


Psalm 18:37-39

 

And that just really made me smile. :) 

 

Today if we get enough work done, the young man and I are going to meet to discuss and study some doctrines that our denominations differ in ... I'm a bit nervous and excited and hoping we can work things out, so we'll see how it goes. I'd also like to do some yoga and plot some story segments, if I get my homework ready for the week ahead. I'm excited for this next challenge!!

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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On October 11, 2017 at 8:48 PM, SkyGirl said:

When I told the young man I'm hoping to get to know better that I was feeling stressed once, he smiled and said, "But don't you believe in God?"

 

"Yes," I said, puzzled.

 

"Do you believe His Word is true?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Doesn't He say in His Word that He is working everything out for you?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Then why are you worried? Don't you believe Him?"

 

Whew, is that me or what. I've been so stressed about graduate applications lately, and it's taken a lot of time for me to not panic at the mere thought, and remember that it will all work out in the end because God is the One who is working it all out. Thanks for the additional reminder. :)

 

On October 12, 2017 at 8:15 AM, EaseActivate said:

But here's the upside: you do still get to be a mentor. The best kind, even. Because on the other side of becoming aware of these patterns and building strategies for managing them, you still get to keep all of that empathy and care and commitment to serve the people in your life. You just get better at it. 

 

I love this and I want to add to it: 

The fact that you are struggling with these things might even make you a better mentor, in the end. You now have first-hand experience with these struggles, so you can relate to others who are also going through these things. And once you get through it, you can give advice for how you personally got through it, rather than generic advice from a book or article. You can share the real, tangible hope and strength of the Lord that brought you through the fire and left you at the end refined! This trial, while it sucks right now, will grant you more wisdom and relatability later on.

 

You already have a great mindset, of letting this trial shape and refine you rather than defeat and degrade you, and that is so admirable. <3

 

20 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

and to top it all off, the young man messaged me in the middle of the night and asked me to start dating him.

 

tumblr_nitcwgTQcg1tj2lj8o1_400.gif

 

17 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I like referring to him as your young man, FWIW.

 

(I like this too. :P )

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6 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Today if we get enough work done, the young man and I are going to meet to discuss and study some doctrines that our denominations differ in ...

*Commences to nerd out theologically*

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8 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

*Commences to nerd out theologically*

 

Well, we found out yesterday that he's a Pentecostal and I'm a Baptist, so that makes our friendship a bit more ... interesting, shall we say.  :)

 

Actually today I had to slow down and create some space for myself, because despite his initial assurances that he wanted to take it slow and casually see what happened, that resolution seemed to dissolve very quickly into an unnerving barrage of texts telling me how beautiful and amazing I am and how he's sure I'm the only and eternal one for him ... which is flattering and all, but MUCH too much and too fast for this skittish heart of mine. So I exercised some very non-codependent language to tell him that I needed some space to be myself and go slower, and that felt very good.

 

Subsequent discussion with my sister has made me think that I might be being a bit of a control freak and taking him too seriously, and perhaps exhibiting some OCD behavior ... but I'm not too worried about it for now. He doesn't need to make up his mind when we've only been talking for three days. He hasn't even seen me skulking around in woods humming ghostly Anuna music under my breath as I photograph dead flowers yet.

 

tenor.gif  

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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8 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

 

Well, we found out yesterday that he's a Pentecostal and I'm a Baptist, so that makes our friendship a bit more ... interesting, shall we say.  :)

 

Actually today I had to slow down and create some space for myself, because despite his initial assurances that he wanted to take it slow and casually see what happened, that resolution seemed to dissolve very quickly into an unnerving barrage of texts telling me how beautiful and amazing I am and how he's sure I'm the only and eternal one for him ... which is flattering and all, but MUCH too much and too fast for this skittish heart of mine. So I exercised some very non-codependent language to tell him that I needed some space to be myself and go slower, and that felt very good.

 

Subsequent discussion with my sister has made me think that I might be being a bit of a control freak and taking him too seriously, and perhaps exhibiting some OCD behavior ... but I'm not too worried about it for now. He doesn't need to make up his mind when we've only been talking for three days. He hasn't even seen me skulking around in woods humming ghostly Anuna music under my breath as I photograph dead flowers yet.

 

I'm going do disagree with your sister. You were actually non-codependent in creating some space. You correctly recognized some red-flags and set some boundaries. It is VERY UNHEALTHY to declare you are the one after having spent so little time together. The difference in denominations is no where near as important as the fact that he is moving way too fast. The co-dependent thing would have been to try and stick with him to help him slow down and essentially "fix" the part of him that comes on too strong. As a friend, as a mentor, as a big brother, watch out for this guy. It may simply be immaturity that made him fall too quickly, but if it's something else you could be setting yourself up for a bad time. If it is immaturity, he'll grow out of it with time (I did). If it's something else, he'll need some help you are not able to give him. Either way, taking it slow is the wise course of action. If he can't respect your wishes, he doesn't deserve you.

 

Permit me to repeat myself, the unnerving barrage of texts is a bad sign. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, and I admit I may be overreacting, but consider this. If you ask him to back off what will happen? He will, and then slow down and move at your pace, showing he respects you and is worthy of your time. He decides to give up and move on to the next person, which shows he didn't care about you the way he said he did. He won't back off and will keep pursuing, showing he is either dangerous or disrespectful, either of which precludes him from being acceptable. In other words, taking it slow will either delay a good thing or prevent a bad thing. If this all comes from a place of immaturity, rather than personality issues, he is immature and not ready for a real relationship yet. Trust me, I was in his shoes once upon a time.

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I second, third, and fourth Tank - those are some major red flags to me. Proceed with caution, my dear. I had another friend in the same situation as you, and her fella was the type Tank mentioned who was disrespectful of her wish to slow down... wanted to introduce her to his family after the first date... etc. WAY too soon for that kind of thing. 

 

Make your wishes and boundaries undeniably, bluntly clear, and don't beat around the bush whatsoever - you can't guarantee that he will take a hint.

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5 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm going do disagree with your sister. You were actually non-codependent in creating some space. You correctly recognized some red-flags and set some boundaries. It is VERY UNHEALTHY to declare you are the one after having spent so little time together. The difference in denominations is no where near as important as the fact that he is moving way too fast. The co-dependent thing would have been to try and stick with him to help him slow down and essentially "fix" the part of him that comes on too strong. As a friend, as a mentor, as a big brother, watch out for this guy. It may simply be immaturity that made him fall too quickly, but if it's something else you could be setting yourself up for a bad time. If it is immaturity, he'll grow out of it with time (I did). If it's something else, he'll need some help you are not able to give him. Either way, taking it slow is the wise course of action. If he can't respect your wishes, he doesn't deserve you.

 

Permit me to repeat myself, the unnerving barrage of texts is a bad sign. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, and I admit I may be overreacting, but consider this. If you ask him to back off what will happen? He will, and then slow down and move at your pace, showing he respects you and is worthy of your time. He decides to give up and move on to the next person, which shows he didn't care about you the way he said he did. He won't back off and will keep pursuing, showing he is either dangerous or disrespectful, either of which precludes him from being acceptable. In other words, taking it slow will either delay a good thing or prevent a bad thing. If this all comes from a place of immaturity, rather than personality issues, he is immature and not ready for a real relationship yet. Trust me, I was in his shoes once upon a time.

 

3 hours ago, Shadri said:

I second, third, and fourth Tank - those are some major red flags to me. Proceed with caution, my dear. I had another friend in the same situation as you, and her fella was the type Tank mentioned who was disrespectful of her wish to slow down... wanted to introduce her to his family after the first date... etc. WAY too soon for that kind of thing. 

 

Make your wishes and boundaries undeniably, bluntly clear, and don't beat around the bush whatsoever - you can't guarantee that he will take a hint.

 

Thank you both very much - I really, hugely appreciate your advice. For all I am a hopeless romantic, I absolutely do not believe in "love at first sight"; and so I am not about to sign away all the good things that come with singleness without plenty of time, mutual trust and respect, and development of a true friendship. One of my best friends was pressured into committing to her boyfriend long before she was ready, and it has brought her nothing but pain and heartache many years afterward.

 

As Elizabeth Bennet said:

 

tumblr_nverp0QzcI1spvt9xo1_250.gif

 

And you can't have that after four days.

 

I am not afraid to ask him or any man to slow down and give me time to think and space to breathe - I may be codependent in friendships, but anything that smells like a lifelong commitment (marriage, grad school, joining the army) brings out all my courage and allows me to say "Hold on a minute, I need to think about this". It's going to be challenging to find the right balance of friendliness and standoffishness, but I promise, I am going to find it. My heart is not easily won and my freedom is not easily bought.

 

l7zvrY.gif 

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 53

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

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13 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

I am not afraid to ask him or any man to slow down and give me time to think and space to breathe - I may be codependent in friendships, but anything that smells like a lifelong commitment (marriage, grad school, joining the army) brings out all my courage and allows me to say "Hold on a minute, I need to think about this". It's going to be challenging to find the right balance of friendliness and standoffishness, but I promise, I am going to find it. My heart is not easily won and my freedom is not easily bought.

 

Image result for nod of approval gif

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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