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Bouncer Attempting to go With the Flow


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On 9/25/2017 at 8:18 PM, zeroh13 said:

*Fingers crossed!!!*

Found out the nature center is actually a small park, so not what I thought it would be...

However, it is only 2 blocks from school! Along with, I believe it's near , or close enough to a bus route I can easily take to work. 

Was able to check it out today, and they still have an opening!

We're working on getting the application process done today!



So that's working out, and I have no idea why I've been having issues with my inner critic thinking it needs a full time job. My fight or flight is on full time, to the point when I got on a hike today I almost started running to try to kick it out.With my issues I've been at any screen I could get to, which was just a snowball effect of being dealing with the stress badly.


A part of it is accepting what I was't able to do or keep up with even with the stress. Inner critic is trying to help me figure out how to avoid such problems in the near future, but I realized I've been intaking more sugar which is gas to the fire that the inner critic had started to keep me going. 


I've been dealing with being dehydrated, since I'm avoiding water and most food (except muffins and sprite) looks unappealing/an annoyance. An interesting way of my body's/mind's way of dealing with stress.... Need to figure out how to work with this since not taking care of self leaves me not feeling well. Which makes everything very difficult.  



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I need to relook at my week and what exactly my goals are to see how well I did....:


Mainly daily habits such as DBT, screen times, and homework were thrown out.

I did get all the homework I needed to get done on time, and went home for self care. However, the self care wasn't as beneficial since I was attached to screens most of this week.


Food wise.... The idea of grocery shopping was "ugh". I have issues with my finicky self, and it got really bad this week... Stress makes it worse I'm finding, and ended up in a bad cycle with bad food on Wednesday. Pretty much staring down sugar as I do alcohol.... There's a chance I will feel good, but a 100% chance of feeling worse after it comes off.


What I did well this last week, I did show up to my appointments and work on time. I did go on 2 out of 3 nature hikes, and was walking quite a bit to help relax throughout the week.

Biggest problem: My reward system was really hard to follow through..... So going to be making that up this week (since it is the best way to keep an eye on my impulsive spending).



It wasn't my best, but could have been a lot worst. Most of the week I realized was just attempting to process how quickly things were falling together.


My mom and I have an apartment set up (need to pay the fees still, but looking around to see if we can get assistance). My mom is working on helping me get moved in mid-October (right after the conference and when a zero week starts), so she can work on cleaning the ruin I'll be leaving behind.... (My mom is already working on rules for preventing such messes I made...


It was a very stressful situation (and more to come) without being stressful, literally things are falling together. I was able to do my presentation on time (will not talk about it until I get the grade back) and got a B+ on an exam (all while life was throwing all over the place). Which is the best I could do. Along with working on something with life on a daily basis, this whole packing thing isn't happening quickly (however I am cleaning out quite a bit).



Only thing I wish I did last week, emailed or contacted people from the clubs I ended up missing and asking help from professors on some paper work. A lot of fear was getting in my way, which I hope to work on this week.

However, I was able to tell both my professors face to face on what was going on (while also getting other things cleared up). Pretty much being shown how great professors can be, and I foresee myself getting an A.



A level up!

Other perk of this last week, I was able to not only have a few nice conversations with classmates in my RPLS class (in IT I'm just trying to stay calm with the size of 150 people in a auditorium), but actually have a follow up conversation a few days later (still in class). Along with able to have nice side conversations at work today, and have been able to get know some of my coworkers after eleven months of barely getting to know them....  My social skills leveled up! For sure in the last few months.


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Discipline and Facing Fear/Anxiety I feel are the main themes of this challenge.


Facing Anxiety: 

I was able to write an email each day since Friday, to ask questions or to notify professors or my boss. I have two more new emails to still make, so tagging those for Tuesday and Wednesday. 

There's only positive results coming from speaking up so far. 





The RPLS Pollination Class (park planning class I heard about from my professor, a goal to make a pollinators garden I believe), has finally been formed to be a small independent study class (only 6 people with 1-2 credits for the class).

When I found a poster on Friday, I was surprised to find the partnership of the class is working with the DNR... I am bit worried about getting into this class (to me this is a situation where I can here everyone wanting to jump in, and I'm not fully sure what the requirements are).


However, when I emailed my professor about a couple questions yesterday, he asked me if I was still interested? With a :) at the end of the email no less... I've never been given a smiley from a professor before... When I talked to my mom about it, she brought up that he may be more than happy to have me be part of it because of my excitement.... How many girls fangirl over learning about parks and helping to plan them?)


Okay so the discipline part:

For all that saw my finals week last semester with my writing intensive class and making a mad dash to past in the final weeks... I told myself to be more cautious with any side classes. However, I have to remind myself this Pollination class has been a bit of motivation to help start my discipline of not wanting to stop, but change my ways so I can add more fun.

With that email I felt I was being reminded why I need to get back on the wagon!



Flowing with the Food issue- when it comes to food I have personal stressors. I realized some weeks I just can't drink enough water to stay hydrated. And yes muffins will be my main diet. 

I'm meeting myself halfway. Buying Powerade from the grocery store and muffin mix. My better step forward would be Mio in my water bottle and making muffin my own muffin mix (here I can add veggies and fruit).

I mainly realized I won't go cold turkey, and I'll run into more budget and weight problems if I keep buying muffins and pop. Along with difficult cycle since the pop doesn't help with my mental health.



Body Strength- on Sunday I was given a reality check of how weak my core and upper body is, when I worked a different job for a few hours. Damn weak, and my DOMS involves headaches/ear popping since my muscles are pulling back and forth around my neck. I was going to wait till Winter break, but I need to start earlier especially with the moving process happening and the unknowns of the pollination class and any other future jobs...





So much time into posting right now.... But I had news to share and I need some accountability with my goals.


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Never was warned on when one starts to feel their emotions.... That not only is the standard happy and anger feelings that come in, but I've been hit full on with a crush... A fun but I realized no one talks about how annoying they can be. Someone I have been working on being friends with (and have been trying to shut down this crush since last semester), but my analytical side has been having hours of fun with researching different things of body language.... I'm more annoyed because I should have been working on packing, but nope got lost on google.


The good part is I'm finally able to process having a crush, and again process what I want from relationships. It is a perk compared to my meltdowns during the last few weeks. And I'm getting the idea it being Homecoming and a Full Moon during the same week isn't always helpful. Something I will be able to laugh about later... But an interesting rough patch on recovery.






Also I realized with homework, I realized I'm at the point I can set homework up for my IT course to work on something every day. Not timing, just giving myself a period of time to work on one assignment a day so I can work ahead (enough flexibility, but able to give me more processing time. Along with 15 mins of studying a day for the test.


With RPLS I have only skimming and up to 2 full readings and one paper for rest of the semester for homework (and at this point its fun!) (Don't have a real need to study daily, since its open book tests. Also been finding that I review terms and ideas from class on a daily basis by applying it to the real world...)


First time in my college career where by midterms I had homework under control! WHOOT!


I'm really glad though I might have the Pollination Class to look forward to. Along with moving and anxiety to work through, else I would be getting painfully bored in routine... Instead I'm finding how the hell did I get stuck in routine? I'm more like to figure out how to ride these waves of life!

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Failing on tracking my actual goals in the past two weeks. However, I working on getting back on track.


Mainly my biggest challenge this last week was coping with my emotions. I realized facing my fears was easy enough when I approached it. To the point I was seeing positive stuff, and only times I ran into something that was a negative reaction was that certain things were following along my assumptions (a need to be a bit more flexible).


The hardest parts of facing my fears of dealing with my thoughts afterwards. Along with all the emotions I was feeling, I ended up falling back on my old coping mechanism of marathoning a show. An idea of how far I have to go with still dealing with myself. Ended up finding the best tool to use was hiking (when I move I will need to figure out the closest park and trail routes, to easily plan a coping tool no matter what the weather is).


Bright side, I have things placed for the MRPA conference that I'm leaving to tomorrow afternoon in a van full of fellow Rec and Park students. A needed break from life I figured out. But first I have a list of things I've been ignoring to hopefully make my trip and return on Friday a little less stressful.

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4 hours ago, Bouncer the Resilient said:

Ended up finding the best tool to use was hiking (when I move I will need to figure out the closest park and trail routes, to easily plan a coping tool no matter what the weather is).

I never really thought of hiking as a coping mechanism, but that might actually work pretty well for me. Now if only the closest trails were within (reasonable) walking distance...

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Current Challenge: Zeroh, stick to the routine!

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On 10/9/2017 at 3:35 PM, zeroh13 said:

I never really thought of hiking as a coping mechanism, but that might actually work pretty well for me. Now if only the closest trails were within (reasonable) walking distance...

Yeah, I find you on this, but I've been reminded on how lucky I live in rural Minnesota where pretty park areas are tucked in places. 

Personally trying to figure out what another tool is, since this last week just walking outside around a lake didn't even cut it (it was around a lot of people, so that didn't help either). 


Back home! From the trip!



  • -I was able to see my social level and tolerance level was up significantly higher. However, I definitely have a limit when it comes to crowds. (hoping to figure out in the next year what exactly is going on when I enter certain situations). 
  • -Was reminded what "uber fun" physical recreation is. Where no anxiety is there, except seeing how your body can move without thinking. 
  • -My body confidence has definitely grown- wearing a cheap Walmart swimsuit that fit me somewhat right (I haven't done that since I was 10, just to go swimming a couple nights)
  • -I will need to do an American Indigenous Studies Minor... just so I I get to learn the tools on ideas that have been bugging me (will be in school longer, and be more difficult but will look GREAT on paper). 
  • -I need to see a counselor once a week to help process my coping methods and social skills
  • -I have really awesome professors. 
  • -I will be adding swimming as part of my fitness routine, slowly. But I was surprised how many muscles were woken up from just playing (I was able to push myself more, and the headaches afterward were easily put down with pain reliever). 
  • -I need to look into parks for volunteering/work around my new apartment to figure out if I want to work on that career path
  • -I don't like dresser drawers... I run into more problems then help when using over tables and closets...
  • -I'm definitely told I look younger than I am... (which is odd, since most of my life I had to tell people I was several years younger than I looked)
  • -Feeling like I can't speak because of stress, is a sign of intense stress for me (not just slight stress- its a later personal symptom of me not doing well not an earlier symptom as I thought in the past as being "too sensitive")
  • -I was reminded several times, everyone is unique, as I am. I view the world differently as everyone else does. 
  • -I do want to get strong enough, and budget enough to attempt a type of skating in the next year (had a literal dream of roller blading)
  • -I have mastered school right now, if I'm not doing it, its fully my resistance side (else I'm Acing things with no sweat right now). (I'm feeling the irony right now)
  • I have no problem waking up before 8 and getting ready when away from home... (remember when this used to be my main problem)
  • the two clubs I want to be part of her running into issues with each other.... Clubs that can work hand in hand, but choose to be fighting over time or other political stuff
  • -I was reminded on a way of life I never want to go back, and so many people view the "right way"

Wow that list got long... So happy I wrote it somewhere though....




In the end I defiantly been getting a message from the universe heavily:




I teared up twice. Once because I was pushing myself a bit too much, and didn't think to slow down (or hated the idea to slow down away from the fun....). But found my department to be very welcoming, sometimes when my anxiety would come through. My favorite professor popped up to ask how I was doing, or later on other people I got to really know let me know to shut that inner critic. 

The second time... well. I realized I was getting triggered, on top of dealing with someone that was dealing with their anger well. A reminder on how I want to treat people when I'm not doing well, and a reminder of the warning signs of why certain people I avoid (and how so many other people in my life are great). Literally was dealing with someone that reminded me of my very old self, what I thought was the "right way". But in reality its far from the truth. 



How did my challenge go.... 

So many parts, and so many things to keep track of....



I need to cut it down. And make charts for the entire challenge tomorrow. I found a way to chart that is easy enough for me, to easily remind myself what is going well and what wasn't. 

Hard part of this challenge is the irony of school getting easier halfway through and life threw some changes. 




This last week I also had been given some time to think over my wishes to move forward. Before I think of adding on classes, I do want to have a better idea to get to know myself and my emotions together. Along with still needing to grow my social and financial life/skills to help make my lie more well rounded.  




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With my tears I finally rented Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.... Glad I waited to watch it. Now I appreciate the music years after playing some of the music in high school band and use the soundtrack for study time. In the end the movie was part of the series to me on the humor end of the other movies, with a sweet taste of little romance (mermaids...) with the adventure. Helped give some of my creative juices going. I now just rented Dead Men Tell No Tales, which I've been wanting to see all summer but can finally sit back and enjoy. 



So my plans for the weekend? Since I have tomorrow off and most of Sunday?

Get my epic list in order. 

Figure out how to do my challenge once more (will have it change over time... since of course it will be with the changing months... Rest of October to move. November to be part of my new home and NaNoWriMo). 

Also I want to get my Epic Bouncer story to actually get published. I faced that she will not be dealing with a Cyberpunk world unless I move into a city for a short period of time (which will be far in the future- even though technically I'm moving into one of the largest cities I've ever will live in...) With some help from @juliebarkley and creative juices, I have a better idea on how to approach it. 

The events of this week reminded me on how a majority of the world views things, that I've kind of cut from my life. So saying a character is trying to become her best, and help influence the world to enjoy life isn't too far fetched as I thought. 


All of above is of course happening with starting to get back into cleaning tomorrow. Lovely. Along with starting to get a few other tasks done, that aren't as scary anymore. But do take some focus. 




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Okay have finished my list, now reviewing old challenge with Epic List to make new challenge. Along with story brainstorming.


Also looking around for a Water Bottle. I realized an issue I have with CamelBak is that it is plastic... Meaning it soaks up all the ick tasting stuff if I forget about it. 

I will forget about it for a period of time, and so far anything metal I've been able to clean up without any weird taste.... 

So to figure out a new water bottle to help stay hydrated. 

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Daily Quests:

DBT Tracker- will continue on luckily! (Daily quest)

Moving Quest…. (From 15th to the 1st) (Daily work for short period of time)

NaNoWriMo… (Starting on the 1st….) (Daily work for short period of time)

              (changes from physical to brain work)

Facing the Darkness….. Have an acceptance on what I fear and work through it. Have a mini celebration for every time I defeat one. Along with learning coping mechanisms that work with dealing with the aftermath of emotion. (Such as fighting the monsters daily heavily, counting each win as I continue on my journey or to get something. I need to also maintain my tools and the magic I’m learning how to use to work with side effects). (Life Skills/Mental Health maintance)

Being Mindful on Gold….. Will keep a weekly food allowance. Will also be mindful on what I want to buy things right now. However, will not be hard when I find things I need. Such as necessities…

Daily on Weekdays:

-Working on Schoolwork During Weekdays….(30 mins a day, bonus for also 30 mins of studying topics/notes/readings)


Weekly Quests:

Writing….Write a weekly story (if not more) of fictional (mastering Hobby)

Hiking…… Get out into Nature 3 days a week (more would be better) (Fitness/Adventure/Mental Health Maintance)

Swimming…… Will start a weekly challenge of going swimming starting November 6th (Mermaid training)


Here's the main outline of the challenge. Trying to figure out a story idea that can really connect with my daily need of both Moving, Journaling, facing my fears, and daily mindfulness on money. Except I can see my alter ego working on getting through a foggy area with daily encounters that are similar to my own. 

What I know for sure is this list seems like a lot to me. However, cutting down is to its limit. I hate having to do daily "to dos" however they are the only way I can get to the point of keeping up with whatever is around me. 

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On 10/14/2017 at 10:59 PM, Bouncer the Resilient said:

I hate having to do daily "to dos" however they are the only way I can get to the point of keeping up with whatever is around me.


My todo list basically keeps my life from falling apart. You are not alone!

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