Once Upon a Time, in a Hole in the Ground, There Lived...

[Necropolitan13]

Hey all. My name is Joey. As you might be able to see, I technically created this account several months ago, but have not felt up to doing anything in that time, and so I haven't bothered posting anything. However, I know this is a bad start and I need to at least take this first step, and maybe that will help motivate me to go further. So, TL;DR, I have no idea what I'm doing and need a lot of help, both in learning how to get healthy and in getting motivated to do so.

 

I struggle with life in general. I am 29 and have spent most of the last decade just trying to figure out how to live, with little success. I live with my parents (who are both on the decline in terms of physical health, and thus like having me around to help them with stuff around the house) and am not exaggerating when I say that all I have in my life are my video games, once-a-week animal adoption center volunteering, and every-other-week therapy. I struggle with depression and anxiety quite frequently (I've actually been in a depression period for a couple of weeks now, which is part of why I'm here, to try to do something about it). I also have ADHD, which I now take meds for which help a lot, but are a fairly recent development in my treatment/recovery process.

 

I am extremely intelligent; and that is where my self-praise ends. Every other aspect of my life is pretty awful. Which largely nullifies any benefits my intelligence might otherwise bring. I'm not terribly overweight, however, having been hovering around 200 lbs. (now just over that, last time I checked) for as long as I can remember, even living a very sedentary life at my computer.  I have had a somewhat vague, tentative goal of being 180 lbs. for some time now though, and at two previous points managed to start and maintain a simple and somewhat aimless exercise routine for several months. These exercise periods had my weight ranging in the low 190s, but ultimately didn't do much more than that.

 

I don't know how much I should expect to weigh if I were "in shape". I haven't been motivated enough to really look into it or commit to doing it. Motivation has always been one of my biggest problems in life, and has kept me from doing much of anything, ever. For many years I have had a somewhat Nihilistic worldview, which isn't very good for getting motivated. I do have a bachelor's degree in Game Design from Full Sail University, which I got through their online degree program, but my motivation to do that was largely just feeling like I had to keep going and get a degree, and game design was what interested me most. After I graduated, I fell pretty hard on my face, and sank into further depression and anxiety.

 

My struggles, as you may see, are primarily mental ones. I don't know if anyone here can relate or help me in any way, as such, but I figure at this point it couldn't hurt to just throw it all out there; and it wouldn't be very productive if I didn't, anyway. I need help, and these are the things I need help with. I have no one in my life that is able to help me, as far as I have experienced, so I turn to you, semi-random internet people. I desire change in my life, one of which is being healthier and stronger.

 

Now, on that note, I'll talk a bit more about why I am here, specifically, and what I hope to achieve. I hold myself to pretty high standards (probably a contributing factor in my depression, as I often disappoint myself), and living a healthy and balanced life is one of my primary goals, which I have utterly failed at achieving thus far. I sit at my computer about 95% of the time, and while I don't snack a lot, I still don't eat terribly healthy either (though it isn't terribly unhealthy, mostly). I just don't usually feel like it's worth caring what I eat. I generally know what is unhealthy. For instance, when I sit and eat half a bag of Doritos (which is rare, mind you), I know I've done a bad thing, heh. So, I have no motivation, generally, to eat particularly healthy.

 

While not terribly overweight, I am quite weak. Having very little exercise in my life leaves me pretty atrophied, I suppose, though I am able to perform some strenuous physical activities, like lifting moderately heavy objects. These activities are usually uncomfortable, however. Ultimately, I'd like to be strong enough to be of assistance in physically demanding situations without breaking myself. Not only that, but I find that my muscles are simply not accustomed to precision movements when under stress, causing me to shake quite a bit when trying to hold difficult positions.

 

So, as a bit of a summary, here is a list (in no particular order) of physical activities in which I have interest, but have no idea how and/or no motivation/confidence to pursue:

 

Martial Arts

Hiking

Free Running

Rock Climbing

Archery

Playing Guitar (hand/forearm strength/endurance; this one I actually have done a little of, I have a guitar, but haven't touched it in a long time)

 

There may be more I'm forgetting at the moment, but that's a good start if nothing else. These are things I've had interest in for a long time, but have never felt qualified or motivated enough to try. I am very much an introvert (somewhat less so in text-based online communication), so just the idea of reaching out to people to try to get into any of it is daunting, much like this post itself.

 

Anyway, as I said, I need a lot of help and support. I don't know if I really expect to get it here. I feel like I'm asking a lot from total strangers who have no reason to care that much about my success. But if not, then I'm no worse off, I suppose. Except perhaps having yet another attempt at improving my life fail. But that's hardly something I could blame anyone else for.

 

In closing, I suppose I'd just like to make a clear statement of why I'm here, without all the rambling I've done so far. So, what I need now is somewhere to start, some guidance on improving my health and finding motivation to commit to it. I fear I'll just disappoint myself and anyone who might try to help, but I've got to try something. I ask for patience and understanding. That would help a lot.

[Machete]

Self-loathing. Existential despair. Martial arts. You might be in the right place. Welcome. (Or we're both in the wrong place, but that's fine as well.)

 

P.S. I have experience in Martial Arts, some in hiking, free running, and rock climbing, and failed attempts at archery and guitar. What a coincidence.

[Necropolitan13]

Heh, well it's good to see someone with similar interests. I suppose it was bound to happen eventually. Hopefully I can take some sort of step forward here. Maybe get some motivational momentum. 

 

Also, I realize my initial post might be a bit heavy for some. I was in a bad state of mind when I wrote it. It happens sometimes. My intention was simply to dig right in and expose all of my weaknesses immediately, so that I could hopefully get the help I need, if that help is at all available here. I do have a very hard time doing things for myself (that is, for my own good). Motivation is the most difficult thing for me. The rest of the issues I mentioned before are just extra hurdles (haha fitness puns? heh). But anyway, I've been putting off a lot of self improvement endeavors that I've wanted to undertake, and I figure this is as good a place to start as any. Any advice or guidance would be much appreciated; I am totally out of my element here.

[redpuma]

Heh, well it's good to see someone with similar interests. I suppose it was bound to happen eventually. Hopefully I can take some sort of step forward here. Maybe get some motivational momentum. 
 
Also, I realize my initial post might be a bit heavy for some. I was in a bad state of mind when I wrote it. It happens sometimes. My intention was simply to dig right in and expose all of my weaknesses immediately, so that I could hopefully get the help I need, if that help is at all available here. I do have a very hard time doing things for myself (that is, for my own good). Motivation is the most difficult thing for me. The rest of the issues I mentioned before are just extra hurdles (haha fitness puns? heh). But anyway, I've been putting off a lot of self improvement endeavors that I've wanted to undertake, and I figure this is as good a place to start as any. Any advice or guidance would be much appreciated; I am totally out of my element here.

Yes, your post was a bit heavy, but that's okay! I am bipolar and an just coming out of a super huge depressive episode laden with tons of anxiety. So, yeah - I'm okay with your heavy post.

My initial advice is that you be kind to yourself. It's a good thing that you have some areas of interest, even if you're not sure how out whether you'd like to get started. It's something. On my group therapy, the advice with doing anything while super-depressed is to pick the easiest thing to do and then the three first steps you could take to go on that path. Then pick the easiest of those steps and make a plan to do it.

Don't know if that helps or just seems condescending. Hopefully, it's not the latter.

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[Necropolitan13]

1 hour ago, redpuma said:

Yes, your post was a bit heavy, but that's okay! I am bipolar and an just coming out of a super huge depressive episode laden with tons of anxiety. So, yeah - I'm okay with your heavy post.

My initial advice is that you be kind to yourself. It's a good thing that you have some areas of interest, even if you're not sure how out whether you'd like to get started. It's something. On my group therapy, the advice with doing anything while super-depressed is to pick the easiest thing to do and then the three first steps you could take to go on that path. Then pick the easiest of those steps and make a plan to do it.

Don't know if that helps or just seems condescending. Hopefully, it's not the latter.

Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
 

 

Hey, thanks. Finding the easiest thing to try seems like good advice. That's part of why I decided to post here. Figured it's just typing to start with, and I might find some good advice and maybe more. Being kind to myself is difficult, given the social pressures I feel in my particular situation (I'm sure you are aware of the social stigma around mental illness and/or "weakness", as perceived by most people); how does one feel ok with themselves when it seems like all you can do is look up to everyone else who seems to have it together? heh. I've heard it's all an illusion, though, and most people are falling apart at the seams... but it's hard to see that as being the case most of the time.

 

Anyway, thanks for your response and advice. You didn't come off as condescending, either, so no worries. I should probably poke around this website more and try to find my own place to start as well, I guess. But just having people like you letting me know it's ok is a big help and motivation to dig deeper, so thank you.

[Machete]

On 9/30/2017 at 4:34 AM, Necropolitan13 said:

Heh, well it's good to see someone with similar interests. I suppose it was bound to happen eventually. Hopefully I can take some sort of step forward here. Maybe get some motivational momentum. 

 

Also, I realize my initial post might be a bit heavy for some. I was in a bad state of mind when I wrote it. It happens sometimes. My intention was simply to dig right in and expose all of my weaknesses immediately, so that I could hopefully get the help I need, if that help is at all available here. I do have a very hard time doing things for myself (that is, for my own good). Motivation is the most difficult thing for me. The rest of the issues I mentioned before are just extra hurdles (haha fitness puns? heh). But anyway, I've been putting off a lot of self improvement endeavors that I've wanted to undertake, and I figure this is as good a place to start as any. Any advice or guidance would be much appreciated; I am totally out of my element here.

 

To me it's the personal accountability. I compiled my challenge threads and found the times when I wasn't doing well. That allowed me to see that a bad week or even several months, where it seems like I'm buried and can't move, isn't as bad as it seems in the grand scheme of things; I've moved forward from where I was 4 years ago, even if it's only a few steps.

 

Read some intros by other people. Some keep it brief, some really unload all their dirty laundry. I don't know, I feel comfortable opening up to strangers for some reason.

 

I agree with the above, when life is hard enough, it might be good do focus on the easy stuff. Self-care. Stuff you should already be doing, just doing them mindfully. Personally my challenge for the last three months has been sleep, eat, and breathe. I'm just now starting to figure it out.

[SkyGirl]

Heavy is okay. Even the most broken among us here (and all of us are broken, in one way or another) are warriors, and warriors lift heavy things. Loads are lighter when they're spread around; and we're glad you brought your load here and laid it down so we could help you carry it.

 

Many of us here are battling mental and emotional health challenges, some very severe, so you are absolutely not alone by any means. Also, I would like to submit that I am 28 and I just moved out of my parents' house last year, so you're not the only one still close to the nest.

 

My natural impulse is always to offer suggestions when people have questions or concerns, but before I give you some thoughts on gentle ways to try some of the things you're interested in, do you feel like you want suggestions right now? Or is it enough just to say hello and be heard? I don't want to start throwing ideas at you and overwhelm you.   

 

I'm so glad you're here!

[Necropolitan13]

On 10/6/2017 at 1:41 AM, SkyGirl said:

Heavy is okay. Even the most broken among us here (and all of us are broken, in one way or another) are warriors, and warriors lift heavy things. Loads are lighter when they're spread around; and we're glad you brought your load here and laid it down so we could help you carry it.

 

Many of us here are battling mental and emotional health challenges, some very severe, so you are absolutely not alone by any means. Also, I would like to submit that I am 28 and I just moved out of my parents' house last year, so you're not the only one still close to the nest.

 

My natural impulse is always to offer suggestions when people have questions or concerns, but before I give you some thoughts on gentle ways to try some of the things you're interested in, do you feel like you want suggestions right now? Or is it enough just to say hello and be heard? I don't want to start throwing ideas at you and overwhelm you.   

 

I'm so glad you're here!

 

Hi. Thanks for the supporting words, it's really very much appreciated. It often does feel like I'm the only one in my kind of situation, so it's nice to see that isn't necessarily the case, heh.

 

Any suggestions you might have would be welcome! I get distracted/lost/discouraged when trying new things most of the time, often enough to cause me to give up before I've really started. So any push in a good direction would be good and appreciated. (Probably a good place to start right now would be getting my sleep schedule under control, as might be guessed by the time of this post >.> I'm eastern US time, so It's almost 6 AM and I'm just heading to bed...) I haven't begun any sort of exercise or diet changes since I made my intro here, so yeah any suggestions would be good. Thanks!

[redpuma]

Some good advice that I received was to take a step toward a goal within 24 hours of making that goal and writing it down. First you need a goal. I recommend choosing something from your list that's easier to work on, so that you might see more success faster.

Hiking
Playing Guitar
Martial Arts

Hiking, for example, is just walking! I mean, it depends on the difficulty of the trail as to how challenging and complicated that it becomes as a sport. An example goal with hiking would be to choose a moderate difficulty trail in your area (say... within a 40m drive) and write down that you are going to complete that hike by June 1st, 2018.

Next, you write down some things that one would do to work toward that goal:

- walk 30m
- hike an easy trail
- do yoga for balance and joint strength
- increase stamina for hills with interval exercise - 2m slow walking, 1 minute jogging for 30m

Basically, pick the easiest thing in your list that you could take action on tomorrow. Commit to doing it. Boom. The first step has been taken.

You could do this with any of your interests. Even free running starts somewhere.

Just some thoughts and service that had worked for me in the past.

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[SkyGirl]

56 minutes ago, redpuma said:

Some good advice that I received was to take a step toward a goal within 24 hours of making that goal and writing it down. First you need a goal. I recommend choosing something from your list that's easier to work on, so that you might see more success faster.

 

56 minutes ago, redpuma said:

Basically, pick the easiest thing in your list that you could take action on tomorrow. Commit to doing it. Boom. The first step has been taken.

 

On 10/7/2017 at 5:52 AM, Necropolitan13 said:

Any suggestions you might have would be welcome! I get distracted/lost/discouraged when trying new things most of the time, often enough to cause me to give up before I've really started.

This is wonderful advice and I agree! Two things I would add - because you're brand new to things and know that you will tend to get overwhelmed, you could make the goal even smaller - something like just walking five minutes a day, or taking one lap around the block; skipping one soda a day; throwing 10 punches - something really small that makes you say "huh, that wasn't so hard".

 

Here are some ideas for you too:

 

https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/struggling-to-start-pick-one-of-these-5-quests/

 

But the second thing I would add is, don't wait until tomorrow - pick something you can try today! You still have enough daylight to walk for those 5 minutes today; you still have half a day left to not drink a soda (if that's a thing for you); you still have time to psych yourself up and try 5 or 10 karate punches:
 

 

If you take that step and do something today, then you eliminate the "I don't feel like it" excuse tomorrow, and you also go into tomorrow knowing you can do your chosen quest-action, because you already did it today.

 

Starting small will feel - well, small.   But it's important not to try to do All The Things® at once and overwhelm yourself - I almost quit Nerd Fitness just a month after I started, because I took on too many changes and couldn't keep up. It's much more important to start with just one or two things and level up from there.

 

As I said before, you have been through a lot and you are already a warrior. The flame of victory already burns in your heart - never forget that. You are not a success if you manage to take one of these actions today, nor are you a failure if you don't. You are worthy, you are courageous, and you are sufficient as you are - the goal of your journey is simply to unlock the greatness that already lies within you!

[NikuHime]

Hi and welcome friend, let me say that I'm impressed with your intial post. It's not always easy to lay bare the parts of ourselves that we aren't proud of. It may make some people feel better to say that they love their bodies the way they are, but it seemed like those thoughts always went away when I was alone and faced with the reality that my weight was shredding my knees and I could be looking at surgery before I was 40.

 

For me, when that deep down darkness tried to swallow me up, there was no feeling of uplifting or getting psyched up in the morning that would make things fun and easy. What did it for me was realizing that if I was going to feel utterly awful, then I might as well feel awful and be productive. There's a spot on my wall that I remember staring at every morning when my alarm went off and telling myself "someday you aren't going to feel like this anymore". Looking at that spot now still makes me want to cry, but I feel so much further away from that person I was back then. 

 

Now when I feel like none of it matters, or feel like I don't have it in me to accomplish anything, I have a part of my brain that starts screaming out everything I've accomplished that is objectively impressive. It's important its objective so I can't find a way to doubt myself. I've lost 60 lbs, I've thrown a 270lb man over my shoulder to the ground, I've been to 3 countries outside the U.S. and most importantly, I show up every freaking day. I may not win everyday, but I'm persistent in a world of people looking for easy outs. 

 

Get up, get moving, and be brave. Fight hard and you'll always have something to be proud of.

[Necropolitan13]

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It really does help. I agree with finding something easy to start with, super easy, something that will simply open the door. Not even going to stress over stepping through it immediately, heh. I think there are a few ways I could start, going off the idea of building new habits as touted by NF.

 

First, probably the easiest thing I can start doing is just visiting here every day. Looking around, reading some stuff, watching some videos, and possibly interacting with people like I am now. I'm on my computer 95% of the time anyway, so it's just a few clicks away. I could just dedicate some time every day to browsing NF, even if it isn't immediately productive, it will likely get me thinking more about this stuff, which can grow into more as I go.

 

Secondly, as a further step, I could start integrating exercise into my daily gaming habits (I've thought of doing this before, but have only actually tried it once or twice). For instance, if I'm waiting on a long loading screen, I could get up and do something. A few pushups, perhaps, or something else that would be fairly easy and accessible. This might help get me used to the idea of doing more.

 

I could sit here and think of more probably, but perhaps I should reign myself in and not get too ambitious, lest I become overwhelmed (again).

 

I suppose this thread has made its way well out of the introduction topic by now, so perhaps I will look for further encouragement in a more appropriate part of the forums from here. Thank you all, again. I think just the marked difference in my tone and expressed outlook between my first post and this one are evidence enough of how much you've helped (though there are other factors, probably, the responses I've gotten here are definitely a huge part). I welcome any further support and encouragement, but I feel like, as an introduction thread, this has gone on a while, and it is perhaps unfair to others that my introduction keeps floating to the top, and quite frankly it's also a bit more than I bargained for when I started it lol. If people are fine with continuing this thread to give me any more feedback or suggestions, I welcome it, but I also welcome personal messages (that's supported here, right?) if that would be more appropriate, just to take this out of the introduction forum. I'm not going to pretend I'm 100% committed yet, but I'm better off than I was in my OP, certainly.

 

Anyway I think I'm rambling a bit now. So, in summary, thanks everyone, you've all been a big help, and I hope I can keep at this and see you all around here.

[SkyGirl]

You are welcome to stay here in the "Introductions" forum as long as you like, Necro - nobody minds, I promise. You're absolutely right that even just spending regular time here can help get you in the right mindset - I try to post here even when I'm feeling down on myself, haven't accomplished anything, etc. because it keeps me accountable and keeps my eyes on my goals. If you go to the more recent posts on my current thread, you'll see that I've been confronted with some challenges lately myself - but even though I've put my fitness goals on hold the last couple of days while I regroup, I'm still here, still checking in, because it keeps me accountable.

 

You'll soon see that we're not just a fitness group; we're a family. We truly care about each other and want to see each other succeed, and that goes for you, too. Each of us who has posted here wants to see you succeed and reach the goals of health and confidence that you carry in the back of your mind. If you use a browser that allows you to turn on browser notifications, like Chrome, then you can follow threads and see when people post on them - that will keep you engaged and "in the know" about what's happening. In turn, that might help you get ideas, tips, inspiration for things to try, etc.

 

I love the thought of tossing in a pushup or two while you wait for something to load - that's a great idea! Will you let us know if you try it tomorrow?   

[Necropolitan13]

I really need to stop staying up till 5 AM.... heh. Tomorrow (or later today, at this point...) is a volunteer day for me (I volunteer at an animal adoption center once a week, as I mentioned before), and given that I'm still awake, I doubt I'm going to feel up to starting that new habit just yet. It is something I've been thinking about doing now and then for a while now, though.

 

I also should probably browse NF as part of my wake up routine, instead of my bedtime routine lol. Not very useful right now, as there isn't much I can really DO, and reading and writing while bleary eyed and tired isn't so great.

 

There are a lot of things I should and shouldn't do, that I don't and do.... What I know is good for me and what I feel like doing are usually different things, to my constant shame and frustration. I have a very hard time with self-improvement. Usually because I've come to default to a "what's the point" sort of attitude. My process usually goes something like this:

 

Gosh, I need to improve x.

It would let me achieve y, which I really want. Let's do it!

But wait, I'll probably fail because of a, b, c, d, etc... And I don't really know that it would achieve y...  So what's the point?  *goes back to playing games*

 

I overthink things. I realize a problem, see a solution, and then keep right on thinking until I've gone off the other end into failure. And no one is around to stop me >.<

 

That's part of why I'm here too, heh. I lack any helpful voices in my head on a daily basis. 

 

Anyway I'm losing my train of thought now so I'll conclude this and get to bed for sleep which will hopefully not consume my entire day (which seems to happen lately...)

 

I guess my point in all this is that starting to insert exercise into my gaming is still a somewhat larger step than I feel I'm prepared to take just now. Perhaps in a few days or weeks (hopefully days), when I get the basics, like sleeping and eating in a regular way, under control. Tomorrow should help with that, since I'll have no choice but to get up at least by noon-ish, so I can get ready and go volunteer. Hopefully it's a choice, anyway, and I don't just helplessly fall back asleep and miss it. I'm usually pretty good about getting up when I really need to though.

 

But yeah, sorry for this being so ramble-y, rather tired. I will keep an eye on this (I get emails when people post here) and start browsing the site regularly, and hopefully with a little time and persistence I can feel more confident in really committing and starting my journey. If and when that time comes, I'll definitely post about it. If you don't see me around for a while and you find yourself wondering what happened, feel free to give me a poke and get an update. Might be what I need. Hopefully it won't come to that though and I can get things rolling on my own.

 

And with that, I'm off... *shuffles off to bed like a zombie*