Bouncer Writes her Adventure

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Okay for accountability sake, I'm just posting here. To let myself know I will reward myself with writing my challenge out, when I turn in my letter to help get emergency funds.

 

Writing to people gives me anxiety, and this challenge will be about different parts of writing.

 

So accountability to get this letter turned in within the next 24 hours would be appreciated.

(Finished much later than I wished, but at least have it done now and will reap the rewards).

 

 

(Also returned to Adventurers, after I had a realization during one of my hikes. I have an incentive to help keep being mindful and taking care of myself when I have adventures to look forward to. No matter how big or small they may be....)

 

Week 2 goals:

Daily:(Goal is 7/7 each)

-Write my to do list daily in my bullet journal (Life Skills)

-Track emotions/skills/urges in bullet journal section (Mental Health)

-Write 444 words daily (both nonfiction and fiction) (Hobby Skill)

 

This week's goals:

-write a quick rpg snipit to add to my challenge... (Due by I have ideas laid out, just need to put them together now) (Due by October 30th) (Hobby Skill)

-Move to new apartment (due by November 1st or 2nd) (Base Lvl Up)

-Finish/Turn-in application for major change: (Due October 30th) (Career)

-Finish categorizing my bullet journal to new section (Due November  4th) (Life Skills)

-Study 15 mins x5 of IT (Due November 4th) (Career)

-Study 15 mins x5 of RPLS (Due November 4th) (Career)

-Do 30 mins x5 of IT Lab work (Due November 4th)(Career)

-Return Rental on Time by 5 pm Halloween (Life Skills)

[annyshay]

Good luck with letter. Official writing/phone calls/etc are the worst. But think of all the happy nerds that will congratulate you on the other side.

[WolfDreamer]

8 hours ago, Bouncer the Resilient said:

Also returned to Adventurers, after I had a realization during one of my hikes.

 

Welcome back! I'm glad you're here. Let me know if I can help in any way.

[Vibrantella]

Good luck with your letter! You can do it!

[zeroh13]

Good luck with your letter!

 

 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Thank you all! Appreciate it!

 

I have most of the letter finished, just need to work through my personal resistance to correct some things and get it turned it.

Hoping by midnight CST I will have it done, and working on getting this challenge started by tomorrow.

[annyshay]

[Teros]

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Thank you for this @annyshay, I had this tab up when on the computer. That led to minimal avoidance on the forums....

 

And thank you/Hello! @Teros, that pic made my morning!

 

Finally got the damn letter in... I got to see how tricky and quick my inner avoidance can be... I don't even know how, or can explain. Except I have been trying to work on figuring out how to work with my inner spirit. Ended up blasting this song every time I wanted to get back on track.

 

After a week of blasting this song, I figured out I liked it because its like saying "take it slow, but keep eye on the prize". Yeah interesting. 

 

Right now for NF goals which I will fix the first post.

 

Daily:

-Eat 5 fruits/veggies a day.

-Study classes 15 mins each on week days. (IT is exempted until the next lecture on Thursday)*

-Follow through on at least one thing every day that I avoid because of anxiety/fear

-Daily Diary card..... *

-Work on an IT assignment for at least 30 mins on week days.*

-Write 444 words daily (if I hit 90% of the days for this challenge and the next I will buy a NaNoWriMo shirt or sweatshirt)

-Post on other's threads, quick update here

 

*If I reach of total of 75% at end of challenge I will buy a new game.

Long term:

-Move to new apartment by November 1st (reward drops commute to school and back, unlocks weekly swimming for myself, I can play Final Fantasy X)

-NaNoWriMo!

-Connect with park on volunteering, volunteer at least once.

-Apply to Rec & Park major & Apply to Anthropology and American Indigenous Studies for Minors

 

 

Some needed reliability! Ugh, I'm tired now. But have been working on seeing a story emerge. Something with writing for sure.

 

 

[Teros]

22 hours ago, Bouncer the Resilient said:

(IT is exempted

 

 

22 hours ago, Bouncer the Resilient said:

I will buy a NaNoWriMo shirt

Oooh I like this.

 

22 hours ago, Bouncer the Resilient said:

buy a new game

 

Any ideas?

[Loveable_Bouncer]

16 minutes ago, Teros said:

 

Oh my gosh... Thank for the well placed meme.

There really needs to be more IT and "It" memes out there...  Though I tend to avoid any It memes if I can help it, in-case I remember them when I'm in a dark room by myself.

 

31 minutes ago, Teros said:

Oooh I like this.

Yeah, 90% of my t-shirts are NaNoWriMo.. Getting another would add some needed variety.

 

32 minutes ago, Teros said:

Any ideas?

Either something of Final Fantasy (though I still need to finish playing X... But have been really wanting to play XIII after having been playing a free game that has Lightening in it) or one of the first Fallout games on Steam. Have been holding back on buying any on my wish list.... So giving myself permission if I reach the goals would be nice, and I might end up buying something entirely different. But vowed no Sims or MMOs.... No matter how much I like them I saw a small pattern that usually leads me into depression.

 

 

 

 

On my goals, I realize I need to list out my goals on what is most important. Especially for daily goals... Get an idea where I need to be putting my energy toward, so even on my bad days I see a movement forward (which I have been still seeing, just preparing in case depression has any new ninja moves on me).

 

 

Today on a hike in a Woods where I want to volunteer, I end up finding out that end of a section of floating trails connects with one of the paved trails I haven't walked yet. The paved trail I guess ends up or goes through the state park that is in the area (jackpot!). So in the near future after moving in, I see myself going on an adventure! Will also try to figure out how to measure the length, so I can get an idea how many miles....

Also it felt like a sign that I was going on the right path for getting in touch with the city level nature center, since it could lead me working maybe with the state one day.

 

Also got an update on the Pollinators class/independent study! (The excitement is here and strong still, lol).

Realized it will be pushing my school limits, of 8 credits. 5 of those credits will be Upper class levels (the other one is "Public Land Use Policies"). I will be able to enjoy RPLS classes, and get to see where my limit is drawn. Awesome part is that the Independent study will help give me an idea where I'm at with hands on work, and learn about things within my own area.

Other words.... I need to get my RPLS Major application in this week! (So I can actually get into these classes with no problem...)

 

 

Nature skills update: I think I officially know the sound of a Pileated Woodpecker... (they've been popping up when I wander on my own). And found I can identify a White Breasted Nuthatch. Which was pretty cool.

 

Other notes, because why stop writing now?

Was able to chat with a volunteer naturalist (he was waiting for elementary kids to show up, which I got out of there beforehand), and was able to chat about the local birds. He gave me some trivia, and when I brought up where I was from. He brought up some names I realized I knew back when I used to go to church... (Oh how the world works...) So will be interesting on where I find connections int he future I'm finding.

 

 

 

[Teros]

10 minutes ago, Bouncer the Resilient said:

vowed no Sims or MMOs.... No matter how much I like them I saw a small pattern that usually leads me into depression.

I can relate to this with the SIMS.  When I play the SIMS, I'm so focused on improving their life and then suddenly it hits me like a ton of bricks that my simulated version of myself is doing great, while I neglect the *real* self.  Suddenly all the work I put into characters makes me feel like a piece of shit.  This guy has it right: he goes to work, runs on the treadmill for a few, learns to play chess to build up his logic, and then has a ladyfriend over in the hottub.... and here I am eating poptarts and feeling like a bag of smashed assholes.  Then I abruptly quit the SIMS.

 

 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

20 hours ago, Teros said:

I can relate to this with the SIMS.  When I play the SIMS, I'm so focused on improving their life and then suddenly it hits me like a ton of bricks that my simulated version of myself is doing great, while I neglect the *real* self.  Suddenly all the work I put into characters makes me feel like a piece of shit.  This guy has it right: he goes to work, runs on the treadmill for a few, learns to play chess to build up his logic, and then has a ladyfriend over in the hottub.... and here I am eating poptarts and feeling like a bag of smashed assholes.  Then I abruptly quit the SIMS.

 

 

Yeah I remember you telling me about this, which did change my way of looking at Sims. And I started to notice how Career oriented and Family oriented the full on game really is.... I kind of questioned somethings. And when it came to writing stories, I noticed more on how I need to write my own stories in my head over writing a Sims story.

 

 

Have the rough rough draft done for  Rec and Park application, that helped me narrow down my thoughts. Now to work on a rough draft of the actual paper (one thing about Rec and Park, you get to learn how to tell your own story as a requirement to be accepted into the field).

My troubles with these papers, have been showing how I need to work on my writing anxiety still. Since I have a feeling I'm going to be running into more complicated papers next semester with my upper classes.

 

Good days starter, I realized with my plus size 18 jeans, I have no muffin top! (less belly bloating, fits me right) I still have a ways to go to fit in "normal woman size 18 jeans". Since I'm finding my hips and belly are taking their sweet time to lose! (Though I've been noticing the similar fatigue what I felt last May when I was losing weight quickly. Still avoiding on losing to fast, since I like to keep my sanity...).

 

Lately, I've found an easy flow of buying groceries, able to eat on the go when needed. Small food changes have naturally been happening to feel full and cut out the sugar. Been able to say no to most sweets since the idea of dealing with the bad side effects sounds too sickening when dealing with new fears everyday. While when I do eat sugary stuff, one serving is more than enough to give me a sugar high that I was looking for (which mainly has been trying to have something nice around while working on anxiety writing).

 

[Teros]

4 hours ago, Bouncer the Resilient said:

My troubles with these papers, have been showing how I need to work on my writing anxiety still.

Idk if this will work for you, but what I tried a couple times is to just write a paper with the intention of deleting it.  Almost like I want to write it.  My big writing anxiety is always starting.  Once I have something substantial, I can sort of keep adding to it.  When I have a blank paper, I panic.  Sometimes I've done a stream-of-consciousness writing about the topic and that will make me think of things that I wanted to mention in the paper.  Soon enough, I have a 1 page single spaced trainwreck but at least it's something that I can then mold and work with.

 

 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

2 hours ago, Teros said:

Idk if this will work for you, but what I tried a couple times is to just write a paper with the intention of deleting it.  Almost like I want to write it.  My big writing anxiety is always starting.  Once I have something substantial, I can sort of keep adding to it.  When I have a blank paper, I panic.  Sometimes I've done a stream-of-consciousness writing about the topic and that will make me think of things that I wanted to mention in the paper.  Soon enough, I have a 1 page single spaced trainwreck but at least it's something that I can then mold and work with.

Thank god NaNoWriMo is coming up! But of course my brain is "its not the same"

But I have been working on this, actually I felt quite some success when I stared at 1,000 words of a mess. But finally also was able to come up with a way to categorize it for the next draft... Now to do it.

 

And of course I've written so many words here. Just realized what I call my "writing anxiety" is actually just my regular big project anxiety intensified... With a bit of my control freak/perfectionism self. At least I wrapped my brain around that.

The hard parts being breaking it down, write those steps down, find a way to be accountable for each step and follow through each step. While working through my old habits to figure out new habits... Thank god I've been noticing my endurance going up, else I would have been resisting the urge to even think this over.

 

Luckily today I was reminded for what has been working for me in mindfulness "body over mind".... Allowing myself to feel whatever my emotions and thoughts are, but working on putting my own physical self into situations that can help get my mind back on track... Especially since as I get better at living a "happier life", I throw in more projects (this actually may be part of my boredom with my Janitor job, always having to start over again with tedious duties that try to bring the store back to being clean).

 

 

 

Okay so as I continue, this verifies I need to re-look at my challenge. I'm adding too much on, but need a goal to be flexible enough to work with...

A lot of it comes back to writing things down again. The daily recording of sorts. Something I need to learn, so the more complicated I make my life the more I can get on it.

Most of these goals I'm able to do, however I'm unable to check them all off... (The number one problem, and the number one thing I know how to avoid).

 

 

 

Other news! I got a response from that letter I sent in, and was able to get a Grant for emergency funds to help pay for the apartment!

Other words, my mother and I can finally sign the lease to get into the new apartment and move in (and I will have money leftover to live on). Of course I find out today that the apartment manager is out for the week.... So no signing until Monday....So guess what I'm doing while everyone else is celebrating Halloween? Could be worse, I know.

But more motivation to get my application paper done, so I don't have to worry about it next week!

 

[Teros]

10 hours ago, Bouncer the Resilient said:

new apartment and move in

 

So on Monday you get to call and find out when this happens? Or is there a date?

[Loveable_Bouncer]

7 hours ago, Teros said:

 

So on Monday you get to call and find out when this happens? Or is there a date?

Basically the plan has been hoping to be moved into the new apartment by November 1st.

We've been in touch with the apartment manager over the last month and she agreed that when the paperwork and the payment was good to go, my mother and I could start moving in. I guess its hard for me to explain easily, but because of different variables and our urgency to be moved in the manager has been willing to work with us on making it easier.

Other words, today I would have been able to start moving into the apartment if the office manager hadn't been out of her office this week.

Let me know if that makes sense? 

I'm assuming things are the same since I last talked with the woman over a week ago. However, how things are falling into place, and my mother's help as helped cut barriers I'm going with the flow.

Our plan is to be at the apartment early on Monday (since the apartment manager has difficulty calling us back at times), and see what we can do next.

 

 

 

Okie dokie, here in good ole Minnesota got to see our first snow of the season...

 

I'm ugh, it couldn't wait a week? I was more annoyed by how its a Friday (start of a work weekend, and the weekend before chaos). While everyone else is hopped up on Halloween and going to drive like a maniac. Good part work was quieter because everyone is being tucked away, and its too early for the snow to stick around.

I just find it heavily impractical when I don't have a winter coat right now.... And have things to work on.... Thankful I'm not driving my mom's van anymore. Yay, for having a rental that I can blast music and the defrost.

 

 

Now onto today's plans!

I have survived work, and am now working on getting this application paper in. Or at least have it finished and printed (have put my goals a tad lower since I don't think I'll quite make it to office time... Hoping I will, but working on not adding more stress.

Right now working on another rough draft, I thought I had it narrowed it down but trying to figure out how to organize it and not make it too long (since this is only a one and half page paper).

 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

My follow through stinks right now...

Ended up figuring out an hour later that my struggle with the paper is just my processing speed. "The uh huh moment" of, I need to get this done but it won't get done today. Then I switched to studying, and then realized I wanted to get home before it got too cold.

Then at home I ended up having a nap... Got some food and beer, ended up binging on this year's Big Bang Theory. When I crashed into bed, I declared it my one night off (and small celebration for surviving my Janitor job for a YEAR! - which is an achievement for how many times I wanted to quit).

 

So end result mediocre...

However, I did brainstorm before my post yesterday with one of my counselors, and she brought up making more space so I could write more notes but be organized. Because I realized when talking with her is one of my goals is writing down my ideas in a place where I can look back and break down how to get to that idea. Mainly have more space so I can learn how to do project stuff.

 

So to be easier on myself, changing up the goals slightly.

Daily:(Goal is 7/7 each)

-Write my to do list daily in my bullet journal (Life Skills)

-Track emotions/skills/urges in bullet journal section (Mental Health)

-Write 444 words daily (both nonfiction and fiction) (Hobby Skill)

 

This week's goals:

-write a quick rpg snipit to add to my challenge... (Due by I have ideas laid out, just need to put them together now) (Due by October 30th) (Hobby Skill)

-Move to new apartment (due by November 1st or 2nd) (Base Lvl Up)

-Finish/Turn-in application for major change: (Due October 30th) (Career)

-Finish categorizing my bullet journal to new section (Due November  4th) (Life Skills)

-Study 15 mins x5 of IT (Due November 4th) (Career)

-Study 15 mins x5 of RPLS (Due November 4th) (Career)

-Do 30 mins x5 of IT Lab work (Due November 4th)(Career)

-Return Rental on Time by 5 pm Halloween (Life Skills)

 

 

Okay clearer goals for now. Trying to get categories down, to be based of my Life Quest list that I have written down. Have a date for every goal, to have a end time (and a better idea what to get done first). Having hiking as "when needed" for right now, since I have a feeling sleep will be needed more than hiking this week. Along with my nutrition is good when I'm putting less stress on the bad.

I have less stress looking at my to do list now, so cheers to myself to move on. Packing goals I'll leave out for now, and work on writing them down in my notebook. Accountability they will end up here.

 

 

Also today was my last day working for the museum... It was a bittersweet goodbye. I was told I will have a position there (and probably an internship if I need it), whenever I can be able to get there on my own (when I get a car and have the time otherwords). Part of me is going to enjoy having Saturdays back, but going to miss the place. The good part is I know I left a good name, and have gained skills from there. That with my growing confidence of the last month, I will be looking into getting another job near my new place in the next month (hopefully).

[annyshay]

Nice reframing!

[Teros]

On 10/27/2017 at 3:37 PM, Bouncer the Resilient said:

Let me know if that makes sense?

Yessm.

 

On 10/28/2017 at 10:09 PM, Bouncer the Resilient said:

rpg snipit

 

 

 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

You would think of years after being a sims addict it would be easier to pack..... But then again  I would just delete /sell any useless garbage. While in real life I hold onto crap.... There will be a reaping after I move in.

 

 

Full on packing has started. I finally turned in the major application (paper is ugh flow, but when I looked over it cringing, I realized it was better than papers I sent in for any writing intensive classes....)

 

 

Perk of moving to another city, I have an excuse to drive a big ass truck for rental. (My version of roller coasters I realize is driving large machinery...)

 

My RPG update, I worked on it the other night. I will be working on writing it especially since my 4thewords is having a Halloween event before NaNoWriMo. So good excuse to pour all the words on everything. 

 

[MichiruSedai]

It's so nice to see you back!  I wish I had something awesome to say, but that's it. Here for you.  <3

[Teros]

20 hours ago, Bouncer the Resilient said:

There will be a reaping after I move in

 

 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

On 10/30/2017 at 6:59 PM, MichiruSedai said:

It's so nice to see you back!  I wish I had something awesome to say, but that's it. Here for you.  <3

Thank yous for being here! Sorry I haven't made it to your thread! But always am cheering you on!

 

On 10/31/2017 at 1:13 PM, Teros said:

 

 

Pretty much what it'll feel like, will still end up with shit I don't know what to do with....

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, so you know how the move in was supposed to be done by November 1st?

Yeah, no.

I officially was moved out yesterday, and have been sleeping in new home since Halloween. And finally returned my rental car today, after having it for 5-6 weeks.  However, moving is still happening.

Been amazed on how long I've been able to keep going, however had hit the wall by Thursday. No aches and pains, but heavily bruised and exhausted.

I was able to work harder than I have in a long time! I don't know exactly where my better upper strength had come from, but a lack of neck pain has made me happy

Even though I'm damn tired, this is the funnest I ever had with moving. More than once caring a large heavy thing, my mother or I would be cracking bad jokes. That literally at some points we had to stop to catch our breath (or at least not hurt ourselves). A move that still points to all the good signs.

 

 

 

But on flippin' November 1st, the universe gave me a good ole joke.  
Spoilered just because I can barely talk to anyone about my thoughts.

Spoiler

 

Found out the one guy I went on one date with...  (5 years ago from this week actually....). Lives in the apartment building I moved into...

I guess I find it mainly funny... Like the universe went "Bazinga!" Especially since the hour beforehand I was having a hard time keeping my depression down (no depression problems the rest of the night after seeing him though).

 

All what happened:

I pulled myself out of bed from an unsatisfied nap after dark, to continue unpacking my car full of stuff on my own. One point when I was walking back to the apartment with stuff, I realized in the dark that the back of the head of the guy in front of me looked familiar (he had a full beard, and I was avoiding eye contact, so didn't recognize him when I first walked past him). Before I realized, I stated his name. He stopped and turned (as if I had "caught" him, even though he could have just walked away). Gave him a welcoming laugh, and told him the punch line "I just moved in". Where he stated, he thought I looked familiar but was unsure (because of his damn beard I have no idea what his reaction was).

Except he prompted me to continue talking with him, by saying he would rather be in the cold.

First time I realized later, in the last 5 years where I had somewhat of a conversation with him with full eye contact and at the same level.

I ended the conversation after asking the basic, so "what's your job now". I was tired, and actually know I have a weird perception of the conversation.

 

 

Our history:

I don't know where to start, but to give you an idea. This is the only guy I ever kissed/accidentally-intentionally had beard burn from, and made a true fool of myself (made a fool of myself later, but this guy was given a real treat back then). And within a week he prompted to just be "friends" (that would never talk to each other...). He dropped off the face of the earth, and a few months later would drunk text me late one night when my life was starting to get bad...while my life started on true survival mode.

 

I realize now why I said yes to the date... He was a guy I grew up with (literally went to daycare at some point, same church, our dad's worked together, his sister was my babysitter at one point, and of course middle school/high school together). He was a guy I don't think I ever minded talking to or working with, but most of those years are blurred for me now when looking back.  I said yes to the date, and actually kissed him because he literally past safety tests I didn't even realize I had. Next to the attraction level wasn't very high, except for I look for cuddles/hugs/touch from just anyone. 

 

Present thoughts

I guess I find it funny how I bumped into him, interesting since lately my confidence has been through the roof and steadier for the real first time of my life (at least since I hit puberty). Along with my fitness and weight level both going toward positive, and just having a happier life.

That has led to getting a hell lot more attention, and guys tripping over to open a door for me when I'm wearing sweats. Literally feeling like I evolved into something different.  A different level of Bouncer? What's a level up from Resilient?  (something I'm finding I have a hard time wrapping my brain around).

Then the universe brings up a piece of my past literally in my face.

Good part, I literally could have a friend be a neighbor. But then as I've discussed with one of my professionals, I've just barely leveled up to a social level of "so want to go hang out sometime?"

 

Well I hope you find the similar humor I did. Since I'm waiting for what's next.

 

 

Goal wise? Yesterday I just started writing my to do lists. That's where I'm starting with, and being proud of myself for actually writing stuff I remember.

For my RP story, I realized its going to take my brain a bit to process fully. So I've actually made it my NaNoWriMo project. Working on making an indepth story, and playing around with it.

I've having fun with it, no where near sharing it yet, but I will have something by next challenge (that's all I can promise at this point).

 

 

Oh and I'm officially admitted to the Rec and Park major! (Was actually accepted with in 24 hours which I thought was interesting, but found out my main RPLS friend that he also just got into the major just a day after me. So I might be on with a  list of others that needed just the paper work in).

 

Class work? I've showed up to class, haven't studied RPLS. And just barely getting stuff turned into IT on time (but on time at least). Whelp back to not procrastinating after an hour.

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Also song for peeps, since I live with a life soundtrack.

Personally haven't been able to listen to this song relaxed since "spoiler events" 5 years ago.

Can't think of the other song that I remember on the radio in that period of my life, but just realized why some Ed Sheeran songs bug me now.... (so many embarrassing emotions I don't like dealing with).