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How auspicious that @Sylvaa poked me the same day the new challenge starts!

 

I will be back later to actually post my challenge.

  • Like 2

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

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I'll be honest, guys.  I'm setting the bar really low, because right now, just getting out of bed in the morning is a challenge.

 

Steps: 12k per day - tracked on fitbit

Food: stay in my calorie range 6 out of 7 days - tracked on MyFitnessPal

Water: drink 10 cups a day - tracked on fitbit


I'm trying to get back into cooking, so my last challenge will be four new recipes during the challenge - I could space them 1 per week, or I could do all 4 in week one, as long as I do four of them

 

STEPS GOAL

Week One: 6/7 days

Week Two: 0/7 days

Week Three: 0/7 days

Week Four: 0/7 days

 

FOOD GOAL:

Week One: 2/6 days

Week Two: 0/6 days

Week Three: 0/6 days

Week Four: 0/6 days

 

WATER GOAL:

Week One: 7/7 days

Week Two: 0/7 days

Week Three: 0/7 days

Week Four: 0/7 days

 

RECIPE GOAL:

3/4 recipes

Recipe 1: cooked 10/22/17  http://www.simplysissom.com/mini-apple-sage-turkey-meatloaves/

Recipe 2: cooked 10/24/17 http://www.simplysissom.com/1-pot-sausage-spinach-potato-stew/

Recipe 3: cooked 10/25/17 http://www.skinnytaste.com/pesto-parmesan-baked-tomatoes/

  • Like 2

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

Link to comment

Today I cooked these for my breakfast the next week:  http://www.simplysissom.com/mini-apple-sage-turkey-meatloaves/

  • Like 3

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

Link to comment

They taste pretty amazing too!  Thanks for checking in on me as you do, Sylvaa  <3

 

Thanks, annyshay, I appreciate that!  I will find your thread soon for mutual cheering on

  • Like 2

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

Link to comment
On 10/22/2017 at 6:03 PM, MichiruSedai said:

just getting out of bed in the morning is a challenge.

 

rbed3.gif

 

I really hate to hear this. I will continue to hope and pray that you somehow find that spark of life that keeps you moving and going. And your "bar" is not low because it gives you hope. Know that I'll be cheering for you as I always do.

  • Like 1

Who am I? -- My NF Character

Current Challenge: WolfDreamer Clears His Mind to Find His Wild Heart

Past Challenges: 

Spoiler

Winter is ComingWolfen Strengthens His Heart, Body, Mind, and Spirit, Wolfen Becomes One of the PeopleWolfen Strengthens His ChakrasWolfen Welcomes Summer and Gets Primal, Soulcon and Spartan, Wolfen Develops Mental ToughnessWolfen Joins the Wander SocietySoulcon, Spartan, School, and Stranger ThingsWolfen Becomes a Warrior EliteWolfen Goes Here and There and Back AgainWolfen Becomes a Soulcon Warrior EliteWolfen Returns to His RootsWolfen Wanders in Soul, Spirit, and BodyWolfen Owns the DayWolfen Searches for His Wild Heart, Wolfen Runs for His LifeWolfen Hits the TrailsWolfen Becomes an Explorer and Joins the ResistanceWolfen Goes Back to the SourceWolfen Begins the Hero's JourneyWolfDreamer Returns to the People,  WolfDreamer Pushes BackWolfDreamer PrioritizesBurpees, Books, and BrainworkBurpees, Books, Brainwork, and BodyworkWolfDreamer Masters the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Continues to Master the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Returns to SpartaWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Continues His Middle Earth AdventureWolfDreamer and the FallWolfDreamer Forges His Own PathWolfDreamer Has HopeWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Reads Harder, Breathes Harder, and Journals MoreWolfDreamer Embraces His Wild PoetThe Mad Poet Becomes SupernaturalWolfDreamer, The Mad Poet, Becomes SuperhumanWolfDreamer ElevatesWolfDreamer Becomes IronBornWolfDreamer Wakes the White WolfThe Mad Poet Recovers by Keeping it Simple

I'd rather sing one wild song and burst my heart with it, than live a thousand years watching my digestion and being afraid of the wet.” -- Jack London

“I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love.” -- Leo Tolstoy

"I feel love rising in my chest again
Rising like a burning sun into the day..." -- Gungor, "Hurricane"

"...wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17b

 

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On 10/23/2017 at 7:52 PM, CallunaTook said:

I hope today went well!

 

Thanks, @CallunaTook  :)

 

On 10/24/2017 at 12:50 PM, Wolfen said:

 

rbed3.gif

 

I really hate to hear this. I will continue to hope and pray that you somehow find that spark of life that keeps you moving and going. And your "bar" is not low because it gives you hope. Know that I'll be cheering for you as I always do.

 

@Wolfen now I feel bad for stating it so rawly  >_<  this is why I have trouble making myself post when I'm this low.  I'm constantly worried that I just spread negativity and bad feels.

 

Thus said, thank you, I truly do appreciate your kind thoughts and cheering on.  :)

 

On 10/25/2017 at 12:19 PM, Teros said:

Look damn good.  I love the apple chicken sausages at the market.  It's a shame they're rarely on sale because when they are, I stock up.

 

Image result for apple chicken sausages

 

 

Chicken apple sausage is super super yum.   The meatloaves were great, I ate two for breakfast each day and it actually kept me full until lunch.  Plus it made my kitchen smell amazing.  I don't blame you at all for stocking up whenever those go on sale, @Teros!

 

 

On 10/28/2017 at 5:27 PM, CallunaTook said:

Heya, how's it going?

 

 

Hey, @CallunaTook, thanks for checking in.

 

So I came back to NF a week ago and said I was BACK BABY and I was going to post things, and check in on all your threads, and... then I spent a week not doing anything at all on here because I was in such bad mental shape I figured I'd just depress the lot of you.   I'm sorry.

 

I did well on cooking. I ended up doing a total of three new recipes during the week, including the turkey mini meatloaves.  I will post pics/recipes/etc hopefully tomorrow.  Tonight I'm too tired after a four hour drive home from my sister's.  But I wanted to at least check in this thread.

 

I met my water goal every day. I met my steps goal 6 out of 7 days.  I completely sucked at my calorie limit goal.   Going to try harder for that this week.

 

I do have a bit of a busy week, but I am really going to try tomorrow to carve out time to actually visit all of your threads and give you all support, since you've been kind enough to give some to me.  I'm sorry I haven't done so yet.

 

The rest of the week will be a bit cray.

Tues - psychologist (which is a 40 min drive each way, plus the 60 min appt, so it's basically work all day, get home, shower, eat dinner, make sure son does homework before settling him in with mom, go drive, do appt, drive home, tuck son into bed, tuck self into bed

Weds - trying to be social, going to sushi with a friend from my gaming group

Thurs - son has swimming so no excuses for me not to work out since his lessons are at the gym I belong to (and haven't gone to in months)

Fri - ?? probably relax at home

Sat - morning hike planned with a new group I joined (and am still terrified about joining hahahaha) and then I host D&D, and then I go to karaoke

Sun - do nothing outside the house other than groceries and spend the day batch cooking and playing video games with my son to make up for Saturday being ridiculous

 

My goal for the week is to not cancel any social plans even though I am fairly convinced at this point friends only spend time with me out of pity, because guys I am a giant fucking downer to spend time with.  I'm having a really really hard time doing the fake happy thing.  I just spent what should have been a lovely weekend with my sister and brother in law and I feel like I should send them an apology note because I was like Eeyore on extra depression almost the entire time. 


Despite still over eating today (being at my sister's makes it super hard to stay in my food goals since she eats incredibly unhealthy, but I am a grown adult and should have done better, meh), I did manage to get my 12k steps, which I've decided is pretty good considering the almost 4 hrs in a car.   The steps were mostly walking from room to room of my apartment since its freaking cold outside now.

 

I just logged onto the dating site I use for the first time in a month just so I could disable my profile and stop receiving messages etc.  Despite the fact that I crave a partner, I'm in no fucking shape to try and date, so it's gonna be another holiday season of depressed loneliness, and maybe I will try dating again next year.  But I need to find a better way to do it than how this year went. 

 

NSFW warning behind spoiler tags.

Possibly because of reading an incredibly romantic (and at times sexy) story this past week, my libido woke up for the first time in over a year.  Like, I've gotten off on occasion just to make sure my parts still work, but its been almost two years since my last intimacy of any kind with a partner, and almost three years since I actually had what I would term sex with a partner.  I've been in hibernation mode mostly, aside from occasionally going "huh maybe an orgasm would be better than a donut" (not actually joking, I try to find things to sub for bad food decisions). 



 

Anyway, i am actually incredibly annoyed by having an active sex drive again, since it's not like I have any outlet for it at all, and getting myself off just leaves me feeling more frustrated.  Because that's not what I'm craving.  I want a partner.  I want the intimacy, the cuddles, the reading side by side but then getting distracted by kisses etc etc.  

 

So yeah I'm totally blaming all the reading I've done over the last week or so, and I should probably switch genres from romance and erotica back to more pure scifi/fantasy stuff, or just give up reading for a while and focus on Stardew Valley.   I considered trying to restart things with a former fwb but I know that I don't seperate sex from emotion, and I'm in no place to get into the emotions right now.  So instead I need to turn off the libido for another six months or for however long it takes to get my head straightened out.

 

Sorry for the sex rant, but I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I guess I could talk to my shrink about it, but to be honest I've only seen her a couple months, and I'm not ready to talk about my sex drive/desires/experiences/etc yet.

  • Like 4

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

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9 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I'm constantly worried that I just spread negativity and bad feels.

I know that worry. It's a load of crap. We are here to support you through ups and downs.

 

9 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

Sat - morning hike planned with a new group I joined (and am still terrified about joining hahahaha) and then I host D&D, and then I go to karaoke

Wow. So much peopling. :o

 

9 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I did manage to get my 12k steps

This is a HUGE victory. Keep moving, sister.

 

Re: spoiler. That is a sucky situation, but is it maybe a sign that depression is lightening up?

 

HUGS!

  • Like 2

Love as thou wilt.

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9 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

now I feel bad for stating it so rawly

 

Don't feel bad, please. I appreciate your honesty, and I know this is one of the best places for you to express how you're feeling. I don't want to hinder that in any way.

9 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I will post pics/recipes/etc hopefully tomorrow.

 

I am very much looking forward to this.

 

9 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I was like Eeyore on extra depression almost the entire time.

 

I happen to really like Eeyore. What you need is to hang out with a Tigger. ;)

 

c5e183cb821572d6813d5ea9c8a301bf.gif

  • Like 2

Who am I? -- My NF Character

Current Challenge: WolfDreamer Clears His Mind to Find His Wild Heart

Past Challenges: 

Spoiler

Winter is ComingWolfen Strengthens His Heart, Body, Mind, and Spirit, Wolfen Becomes One of the PeopleWolfen Strengthens His ChakrasWolfen Welcomes Summer and Gets Primal, Soulcon and Spartan, Wolfen Develops Mental ToughnessWolfen Joins the Wander SocietySoulcon, Spartan, School, and Stranger ThingsWolfen Becomes a Warrior EliteWolfen Goes Here and There and Back AgainWolfen Becomes a Soulcon Warrior EliteWolfen Returns to His RootsWolfen Wanders in Soul, Spirit, and BodyWolfen Owns the DayWolfen Searches for His Wild Heart, Wolfen Runs for His LifeWolfen Hits the TrailsWolfen Becomes an Explorer and Joins the ResistanceWolfen Goes Back to the SourceWolfen Begins the Hero's JourneyWolfDreamer Returns to the People,  WolfDreamer Pushes BackWolfDreamer PrioritizesBurpees, Books, and BrainworkBurpees, Books, Brainwork, and BodyworkWolfDreamer Masters the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Continues to Master the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Returns to SpartaWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Continues His Middle Earth AdventureWolfDreamer and the FallWolfDreamer Forges His Own PathWolfDreamer Has HopeWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Reads Harder, Breathes Harder, and Journals MoreWolfDreamer Embraces His Wild PoetThe Mad Poet Becomes SupernaturalWolfDreamer, The Mad Poet, Becomes SuperhumanWolfDreamer ElevatesWolfDreamer Becomes IronBornWolfDreamer Wakes the White WolfThe Mad Poet Recovers by Keeping it Simple

I'd rather sing one wild song and burst my heart with it, than live a thousand years watching my digestion and being afraid of the wet.” -- Jack London

“I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love.” -- Leo Tolstoy

"I feel love rising in my chest again
Rising like a burning sun into the day..." -- Gungor, "Hurricane"

"...wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17b

 

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1 minute ago, annyshay said:

I know that worry. It's a load of crap. We are here to support you through ups and downs.

 

af98c-this.gif

  • Like 2

Who am I? -- My NF Character

Current Challenge: WolfDreamer Clears His Mind to Find His Wild Heart

Past Challenges: 

Spoiler

Winter is ComingWolfen Strengthens His Heart, Body, Mind, and Spirit, Wolfen Becomes One of the PeopleWolfen Strengthens His ChakrasWolfen Welcomes Summer and Gets Primal, Soulcon and Spartan, Wolfen Develops Mental ToughnessWolfen Joins the Wander SocietySoulcon, Spartan, School, and Stranger ThingsWolfen Becomes a Warrior EliteWolfen Goes Here and There and Back AgainWolfen Becomes a Soulcon Warrior EliteWolfen Returns to His RootsWolfen Wanders in Soul, Spirit, and BodyWolfen Owns the DayWolfen Searches for His Wild Heart, Wolfen Runs for His LifeWolfen Hits the TrailsWolfen Becomes an Explorer and Joins the ResistanceWolfen Goes Back to the SourceWolfen Begins the Hero's JourneyWolfDreamer Returns to the People,  WolfDreamer Pushes BackWolfDreamer PrioritizesBurpees, Books, and BrainworkBurpees, Books, Brainwork, and BodyworkWolfDreamer Masters the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Continues to Master the Four ElementsWolfDreamer Returns to SpartaWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Continues His Middle Earth AdventureWolfDreamer and the FallWolfDreamer Forges His Own PathWolfDreamer Has HopeWolfDreamer Returns to Middle EarthWolfDreamer Reads Harder, Breathes Harder, and Journals MoreWolfDreamer Embraces His Wild PoetThe Mad Poet Becomes SupernaturalWolfDreamer, The Mad Poet, Becomes SuperhumanWolfDreamer ElevatesWolfDreamer Becomes IronBornWolfDreamer Wakes the White WolfThe Mad Poet Recovers by Keeping it Simple

I'd rather sing one wild song and burst my heart with it, than live a thousand years watching my digestion and being afraid of the wet.” -- Jack London

“I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love.” -- Leo Tolstoy

"I feel love rising in my chest again
Rising like a burning sun into the day..." -- Gungor, "Hurricane"

"...wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." 2 Corinthians 3:17b

 

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15 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

this is why I have trouble making myself post when I'm this low.  I'm constantly worried that I just spread negativity and bad feels.

 

Hell no.  Raw is perfect.  I think that being brutally honest is always the best way to look at things. 

 

When I write something and think about maybe possibly censoring it to make it seem less bad, I'm doing a disservice to myself.  I've gone back to previous entries before and remembered that I felt different from how I wrote; which then means I don't really get the *essence* of what I'm writing.  Do you know what I mean?  If I write, "Today kinda sucked" vs "this was the worst I've felt this whole fucking week", when I go back and reflect on it, I can get a better sense of how I was feeling at the time.  I think that any sugarcoating of any kind ends up biting you.  I've looked back at my raw journal entries from when I was a teenager.  If I had censored those, I think that reflecting on them now would be a totally different experience.  There were things that were lost in my mind, like how much I liked Tamara back in high school; or how a certain event went down.  I look at writing as the MAIN PLACE to express yourself in all its entirety.

 

15 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

playing video games with my son

 

What game? Minecraft?

  • Like 2
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10 hours ago, annyshay said:

I know that worry. It's a load of crap. We are here to support you through ups and downs.

 

Wow. So much peopling. :o

 

This is a HUGE victory. Keep moving, sister.

 

Re: spoiler. That is a sucky situation, but is it maybe a sign that depression is lightening up?

 

HUGS!

 

It is a load of crap, isn't it? Thanks for reminding me.

 

Possibly too much peopling... but it should be fun. :)

 

Re spoiler:   I wish? but I still feel insanely depressed. I don't know. Maybe I will ask my shrink about it.

 

10 hours ago, Wolfen said:

 

Don't feel bad, please. I appreciate your honesty, and I know this is one of the best places for you to express how you're feeling. I don't want to hinder that in any way.

 

Understood.  Sorry.  I just hate bringing others down with my depression issues, so it's a knee-jerk reaction to self censor so that I don't make other people feel bad.

 

10 hours ago, Wolfen said:

I happen to really like Eeyore. What you need is to hang out with a Tigger. ;)

 

c5e183cb821572d6813d5ea9c8a301bf.gif

 

I will be seeing some good friends on Saturday, so that should help.

 

4 hours ago, Teros said:

 

Hell no.  Raw is perfect.  I think that being brutally honest is always the best way to look at things. 

 

When I write something and think about maybe possibly censoring it to make it seem less bad, I'm doing a disservice to myself.  I've gone back to previous entries before and remembered that I felt different from how I wrote; which then means I don't really get the *essence* of what I'm writing.  Do you know what I mean?  If I write, "Today kinda sucked" vs "this was the worst I've felt this whole fucking week", when I go back and reflect on it, I can get a better sense of how I was feeling at the time.  I think that any sugarcoating of any kind ends up biting you.  I've looked back at my raw journal entries from when I was a teenager.  If I had censored those, I think that reflecting on them now would be a totally different experience.  There were things that were lost in my mind, like how much I liked Tamara back in high school; or how a certain event went down.  I look at writing as the MAIN PLACE to express yourself in all its entirety.

 

That does make sense.  And when I write privately, I don't censor, at all.   I should definitely go back to journaling.

 

I suppose I can think of this thread as a sort of journal, since no one is required to read it, no matter how depressing or angry or bad language filled or etc my posts get.

 

4 hours ago, Teros said:

 

 

What game? Minecraft?

 

 

My son does play minecraft, though I haven't gotten into it.  We've been playing Stardew Valley recently, though we also play a lot of old SNES games. His favorite is Link to the Past.

 

-----

 

 

Today has been okay. My co-worker called out sick, so I ended up with a much more busy and stressful day than I expected, and I expect tomorrow will be similar, since I got nothing done in my own area and will have to clean up that mess (assuming she's back tomorrow).

 

Since work ended, I've made and eaten dinner with my son, and then did some random crap while he played. Now I'm catching up these posts.  The rest of the evening, once he's in bed, will probably either be reading or watching a video, and going to bed early.

 

  • Like 4

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

Link to comment

Updated my tracking post with week one results, and posted the recipes I cooked for anyone who is interested.

 

I can't get the pics to upload so now food porn this time  :(

 

 

  • Like 1

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

Link to comment

Today was.... okay.

 

Fair warning, I may talk about adult topics in this thread, and I'm not going to spoiler tag each time.

 

Work was an odd mix of normal stress and high anxiety.  The anxiety came in from over hearing part of a closed doors meeting on my lunch (it was in the room next to the lunch room), when two people raised their voices and one of them mentioned me.  Fortunately, my anxiety got soothed later by finding out that someone's attempt to throw me under a metaphorical bus was immediately seen through.  But, still. Not a pleasant lunch break.

 

After work was the rush rush shower, supervise home, drive to therapy.  I'm not sure how I feel about my appt tonight. I'm not sure this therapist is a good fit for me, but I feel like I should give it more time.  She's just so damn positive.  She asked me about guided meditations and I told her how much I hate them. So she asked me about visualizations and shit.  She wants me to try it to help me sleep.  I'm dubious.  We also continued to talk about some family drama.  I talked about the fact tomorrow is my wedding anniversary of my failed marriage.  I carefully did not talk about my current "wtf where did this sex drive come from" issue because I just feel awkward talking about it with her even though she's a paid professional who I'm sure has heard far more scandalous things.   I'm certainly not helping the "problem" with my continued choices of reading material, but, eh.  I'm trying to enjoy actually feeling something positive, even if it's intensely frustrating. 

 

After my appt I stress ate. Not hitting my calorie goal today. I need to find a way to decompress after therapy.  I leave therapy with an actual and a metaphorical headache.  I get home, have to do kiddo's bedtime routine, and then suddenly I'm in the quiet (well, except for mom's blaring tv and my fan cranked on high to cover up aforementioned tv) and I'm yet again in my bedroom alone for the night and... I ate. A lot.  It didn't help.  I don't know what will.  Perhaps I should get heavier into gaming, but I'm so damn tired by the time I'm home from therapy (leave for work at 6:40am, home from therapy at 7:50pm, not really any significant downtime during that entire block) that I don't even want to play video games.  So I've been reading and trying not to think and failing.

 

Positives: I did hit my water goal and step goal today.

 

Tomorrow night I go for sushi with a friend from my gaming group, to hopefully distract me from being depressed about it being my former anniversary.  Part of me wants to cancel so I can stay at home in bed and eat ice cream.  I need to not cancel.

 

I had another person contact me and tell me that I should feel free to text them anytime. I'm so fucking sick of friends and family telling me that I can reach out to them as a direct response to me saying "I am too fucking depressed to reach out, reaching out is terrifying, I am convinced no one wants to hear me so why would I" and then everyone is all like "Oh I suck at reaching out too, but text me anytime and I'll talk"

 

I mean I get it. I'm not the only one with problems, I'm not the only one who is bad at reaching out and initiating conversations, but it's so frustrating.

 

I want to be someone's priority.


I want that more than pretty much anything else.

 

I'm not holding my breath.

 

I can already tell tonight will not be a good sleep night.  I decided to stop reading, because that's a surefire way of staying up too late.  So here I am typing on an internet fitness forum after stuffing myself senseless with halloween candy.

 

I guess I'll go watch a video or something and try to fall asleep before it's too terribly late.

  • Like 3

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

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9 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

So here I am

There are a lot of awesome NF folks that can’t do this very thing. It’s easy to hide when shit is bad. You are being raw and honest and that is SO powerful. That is a lot of tough stuff going on and I think many of us can relate to allllllllll those feelings. So.

 

HUGS.

 

You’re here and we’re here. 

 

More HUGS.

  • Like 1

Love as thou wilt.

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15 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

Work was an odd mix of normal stress and high anxiety.  The anxiety came in from over hearing part of a closed doors meeting on my lunch (it was in the room next to the lunch room), when two people raised their voices and one of them mentioned me.  Fortunately, my anxiety got soothed later by finding out that someone's attempt to throw me under a metaphorical bus was immediately seen through.  But, still. Not a pleasant lunch break.

 

This is awful and would have me completely freaked out (and I'm not a regularly anxious person). I think that making it through this without stress eating is an accomplishment, because I would've dove headfirst into a vat of chocolate.

 

15 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I'm not sure how I feel about my appt tonight. I'm not sure this therapist is a good fit for me, but I feel like I should give it more time.  She's just so damn positive.

 

So first, I'm not an expert in any way on therapists. But I'm going to give you my $0.02 anyway. I think it might be worthwhile to examine why you feel awkward talking about it. Like, if you are feeling that way because of the subject, I'd give it a bit more time. If you are feeling that way because of her, I think you should start looking for a new therapist. FWIW, I really like that you are trying to spin the sex drive into something positive, because it is a good thing (I mean, I think it's a good thing). Side note: what have you been reading.... you know, for research.

 

15 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I need to find a way to decompress after therapy.  I leave therapy with an actual and a metaphorical headache.

 

Again, not an expert, but I wouldn't think this is unusual. I mean, you can have some pretty heavy difficult talks in there. Personally, I'm a fan of getting in the car and blaring music I can sing along to. I know you have a drive back and forth, is this something you could do? Or what about an audio book on something you like? 

 

15 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I had another person contact me and tell me that I should feel free to text them anytime. I'm so fucking sick of friends and family telling me that I can reach out to them as a direct response to me saying "I am too fucking depressed to reach out, reaching out is terrifying, I am convinced no one wants to hear me so why would I" and then everyone is all like "Oh I suck at reaching out too, but text me anytime and I'll talk"

 

This totally made me laugh because this is me (I shouldn't laugh, because you are right, you should be a priority). I think more people should just be like, "you know what? no, that is unacceptable, you just suck." Because it's true. You should not be responsible for reaching out all the time. But also, thank you. Because sometimes blunt is nice because what I think I'm saying to you is not the message you are receiving and that's not fair to you. 

 

15 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I can already tell tonight will not be a good sleep night.  I decided to stop reading, because that's a surefire way of staying up too late.  So here I am typing on an internet fitness forum after stuffing myself senseless with halloween candy.

 

Is having trouble sleeping a regular thing or is this something new? I had trouble sleeping for the longest time, but have kind of gotten it under control. I'd be willing to give you what I do if you are interested, but I understand that there are a lot of factors that go into why someone is having trouble sleeping and YMMV. 

  • Like 1
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I'm behind on my thread, on all your threads, what else is new?  But I came here today because I really need to talk about last night and find out if I overreacted and own any apologies and etc.

 

I went to karaoke at the usual place with my brother and a couple friends.  Imagine my surprise with a KJ I hadn't seen in literally years showed up! the last I had heard he was on leave indefinitely due to medical problems.  So it was super cool to see him again.  Until he started talking about what else he'd been up to, and he talked about a new project (I'm being deliberately vague) he started up, and I felt myself turn pale because its something my ex-husband is involved in.  Great, I was thinking.  Now the KJ I was "karaoke friends" with is friends with my ex.  Do I have to worry about him telling tales of me drinking and singing?  I feel incredibly uncomfortable being around people who are friends with my ex, especially if they know about what he did to me.

 

I don't have a poker face.  So he asked me what was wrong, and I told him I knew about his project becuase my ex works on it. He asked who, I told him, and he was all like "oh yeah he's my bud, he's a good guy" and I was laughing and basically saying "no, no he's not, he cheated on me and left our marriage for his mistress, but hey I'm glad you're friends, bye".   He told me how he hates ex-h's wife because she's no good for ex-h etc etc and I was like "well yeah I was friends with her until she slept with my husband and lied to me for months so I don't like her either".

 

A while later when he came back to our group to give us the slips and pencils I actually apologized to him becuase I felt bad for being immature enough to trash my ex to him, when they are friends.   I ended up trashing a little more >_<  but yeah.   then the KJ decided to hug me, kiss me, and nibble on my cheek.  I was staring over his shoulder at my friend who was staring back at me.  After KJ walked away, my friend was like "we can leave right now".    I said no, because we hadn't gotten to do karaoke for like 3 or 4 months, and this would be hte last one until probably February.

 

things were ok, KJ was a little touchy but not too bad, I joked and laughed and sang songs, but eventually it got late and I went to settle my tab.  My tab was wrong, so I was standing at the bar trying not to try because depression and anxiety and I'd been uncomfortable all night and I felt bad that i had to tell the bartender my tab was wrong.  KJ comes over and was like "oh you gotta go" and I was like "yeah just waiting for help, my tab is wrong" so he called over a bartender and stood pressed up against me hugging me.   I was like "you need to get off me" and he was like "see we're cool, I called the bartender over to help with your tab, I've got your back"  hug hug hug , and I am trying not to cry because i feel dirty and I feel cornered and in the past I've been totally fine with hugging and flirting with KJ but now I was not at all fine with it, so I repeated "you need to stop touching me" he just kept repeating he's my friend, and I managed not to cry, and I alternately said "stop touching me" and "you can't be my friend if you are friends with someone who did such things to me/my family/my son/etc" 

 

I was very very drunk by this point which is probably why I feel guilty and like I was being a bitch but he eventually let go of me and walked away, and the bartender brought me my corrected tab, and I said to the bartender "you need to get the KJ to not touch people, it's not okay"

 

so I'm afraid I could have offended him (because clearly it's my fault for not enjoying being touched) or hurt his job security (since I complained to another staff member) and I feel like I never want to go to karaoke again, and I'm waiting to get blasted by my ex if the KJ decides to go tell him all the stuff I said.  it was all true stuff, but I'm not supposed to spread tales you know, that was all in teh past, people make mistakes, etc etc.

 

so how badly did I fuck up?

 

I've spent today trying to stay really busy but I can't stop thinking about it.  I meal planned, grocery shopped, batch cooked (oven baked chicken, roasted sweet potatoes, more of those turkey mini meatloaves), did laundry, did dishes, read a friend's 2 new chapters and my only plans the rest of the day are do some reading for a new spiritual group I joined, play Stardew Valley, and work on my NaNo story.

  • Like 3

Level: 15 Race: Human Class: Adventurer (Sailor Senshi/Aes Sedai)

STR: 14    DEX: 12    STA: 16   CON: 28   WIS: 26    CHA: 15 

(unspent points: 6? challenges worth)

Weight Loss Progress (SW 12/5/15 272)

Mini-Goal: Get back down to my low 152.2 - SW 6/1/17 170.4 - CW 6/10/17: 166.6

regained the last few months - back on track losing in June

 

My Battle Log|My NF Character Sheet

 

Challenges:

1/16-2/16-3/16-4/16-5/16-6/16-7/16-8/16-9/16-11/16-12/16-1/17-2/17-

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4 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

so how badly did I fuck up?

 

Not at all. 

 

First of all, it is not cool at all for ANYONE to touch someone especially after they have already said no. Secondly, I hope he does get in trouble. Because when you work in that environment, it is EVEN WORSE to act like that IMO. Here's why - bars in general are a high target area for sexual assault. We, as women, deserve to have staff that will serve us without being a menace. 

 

I used to spend a lot of time in a bar that had a bartender who would invite women he liked to come hang out with him while he worked. He would give them free drinks and a lot of times they would end up going home with him. He ended up being fired pretty quickly - not because of the free drinks, but because he was taking advantage of the women who came in. They trusted him, as an employee, to act in a manner that he was not upholding. It's totally the same with this guy.

 

I'm sorry that you had to deal with that and that it ruined your last karaoke until the new year. He was totally in the wrong and you should not have had to deal with that. 

 

Going forward, I do think it's an awesome idea to just be polite but distant to KJ. Better safe than sorry when dealing with people who know your ex. But remember, you are also allowed to have a life! You can do things like go out and have some drinks and sing karaoke and your ex has no right to judge (if KJ were to mention that you were there). 

  • Like 2
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Firstly, YES to just about everything Sylvaa said. I can't speak much about problems with people who know exes... I've got exes but luckily I haven't had to deal with their SO's much, nor had any kids with any of them, so that's not my area. But, also, the way this person treated you should not have much to do with knowing your ex. Knowing your ex does not give this person any excuse or reason to treat you poorly, regardless of whatever shit your ex told them and regardless of whether or not you have flirted in the past - when you say NO and STOP all of that becomes irrelevant.  EVEN if this person is your boyfriend or husband, after you say no, the response should be something that boils down to, "ok, fine."

 

6 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

(because clearly it's my fault for not enjoying being touched)

1

 

NO to this.  Try not to think like that. The reasons don't matter. Sometimes you don't wanna, and that means you don't wanna, and there doesn't even have to be a reason. Ever. There is no reason for guilt. He's in the wrong, not you. You're the victim (albeit not of a major crime, I'm not saying he needs to get thrown in jail or anything); he is not the victim.  So no. 

 

6 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

or hurt his job security (since I complained to another staff member)

 

 

I don't know how big your city is or where it is or what the bar culture there is like, but I've also worked in several bars in more than one staff position in my state. Around here there are always more bars to work at, and more positions to fill, and the more you've worked in one, the more likely you are to get hired to work at another, and the more you work at bars the more you find out that maybe hey, the DJ here used to be the DJ there, or the waitress here used to be the barback there, and someone can vouch for you and you're even more likely to get a foot in the door. Working at bars is not exactly a competitive job market (for the most part, I know I am generalizing). So even if he does get fired, there are probably other jobs for him. 

 

But... on that same vein... different bars have different cultures. Including different cultures about what is acceptable when it comes to women and their security, and what is not. If this guy working at this bar is a no-go for you, hopefully you can find a new one to go to? 

 

Anyway.

 

I am really sorry about your icky night. It sounds all kinds of awkward. You did not deserve to be treated that way.

 

It is not your fault. 

 

It is not your fault!!

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23 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I said to the bartender "you need to get the KJ to not touch people, it's not okay"

THIS IS THE RIGHT RESPONSE.

 

I agree with everything the others have said, especially these...

18 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

First of all, it is not cool at all for ANYONE to touch someone especially after they have already said no.

 

17 hours ago, CallunaTook said:

regardless of whatever shit your ex told them and regardless of whether or not you have flirted in the past - when you say NO and STOP all of that becomes irrelevant.  EVEN if this person is your boyfriend or husband, after you say no, the response should be something that boils down to, "ok, fine."

 

And repeating this for good measure...

17 hours ago, CallunaTook said:

It is not your fault. 

 

It is not your fault!!

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

*hugs*

 

Hope you can enjoy karaoke in the future without this grossness.

  • Like 2

Love as thou wilt.

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