Teros 38: If I fail, I quit NF forever

[Teros]

I am completely and utterly lost.  I don't even know where to begin this post.  I gained 20 pounds in the past year and I feel like a fucking failure.  I'm stressed beyond belief about work, school, internship, homework, internship homework (there's a difference), romantic disasters, and more.

 

My best friend of 26 years stole $260 from me and unfriended me on facebook and won't return my calls.  I have no idea WHY this happened.

 

Every woman I'm dealing with is a fucking disaster that makes me feel completely unsatisfied.  I'm tired of telling coworkers about all my lady stories.  They think I'm "living the dream" because I'm fisting a woman, beating another's ass, tying them up, having another one put a collar on me and dominate me, and there are a bunch of others that I talk to and fool around with once in a while?  No.  I'm miserable and I'm using physical intimacy as a coping mechanism.  I want true love, not tons of women around me.

 

I utterly hate my job and every hour I'm there, I'm going insane.  This job is so completely underneath me that I'm actually insulted and disgusted with myself that I still am going to it.  I'm calling out sick tomorrow because it's after midnight right now and there's no way I'm waking up and working at 6am tomorrow.  Fuck that.  FUCK that.

 

I hate my 'friends'.  I call them 'friends' because they're basically that in name only.  I've been more let down by people this year than any other time in my life.  It's made me realize just how worthless people are in my life.

 

I hate my internship and the chaos that ensues because of it.  I hate how there's no protocol, how there's no one actually trying to make a difference, and I'm learning just how completely fucked homeless clients are.  I love my clients/residents, but the bureaucracy that I'm part of makes me sick. And I have to deal with it multiple times per week so it's like a sore wound that keeps opening up. I can't compartmentalize and not think about it.  I was at a residency until 10pm Sunday night. And I have someone to contact tomorrow.  And I have Outreach on Tuesday, and clients Tuesday, and evening Outreach Tuesday.  And I have a meeting to go to.  And I have another 2 hour meeting on Friday where I've learned NOTHING.  I HATE check-ins for this agency.  It's people sitting around with their thumbs up their ass and interns asking the most insipid, banal, awful questions.  It always amounts to, "I had a feeling" or "A client did a very obviously bad thing and I'm too much of a fucking coward to say anything to them".  I want to facepalm myself in the face so hard that my brain fucking explodes.

 

I hate school with the white hot passion of a thousand dying galaxy suns.  I have never felt so goddamn babied in my entire life.  'Common sense' doesn't even begin to describe the curriculum that is talked about.  Our 'reflections' are things I write in under 5 minutes.  They are supposed to be challenging. Our weekly quiz/review on the readings... I don't even DO the readings and I just bullshit a page and get check-marks and comments like, "Great point!" on my writings.  I feel like I'm in 2nd grade math class and I'm going to get a fucking sticker for knowing what 5+5 is.  We had an actor come into the class in groups and pretend to be a client.  The actors were told to make us 'uncomfortable' apparently.  So this actor is grilling me and I'm able to deflect and then after 5 minutes, I say that it's been 5 minutes (we were supposed to talk to them for 5 min only).  And the teacher says, "Oh see?  See how uncomfortable you were?  You'll get clients like that."    Yeah, of course, but we also would have PROTOCOL and we would be told what we are supposed to do for our client, and we would know what services we can provide for the client.  Not telling US what we are supposed to TRY TO DO TO HELP THE CLIENT doesn't make us good social workers: it makes us confused and inept at our fake job we're pretending to do.  I learned nothing from an improv situation where I was given no background information on what goal I should try to get from the client.  Are you fucking stupid, school?  YES. The answer is YES.

 

I've been doing nothing in my spare time (whenever the fuck that is) but watching youtube videos, jacking off, and eating junk food.  I feel subhuman right now.  And I utterly loathe who I am right now.  I can't do this anymore.  I'm pulling the plug on facebook. I'm pulling the plug on youtube.  I'm pulling the plug with a lot of these women.  I'm deleting people from my life.  I need to.  And I'm also taking charge of what I'm eating, my workouts, my schoolwork, and my internship.  I've felt like I've been drowning in a sea of shit for close to 2 years now.  The past solid year that shit-sea as doubled with dating.  And the past 5 months has turned into a shit-tsunami when factoring the inept internship into the mix.  I hate every single thing about my life in this moment.  I hate where I live, the people in my life, the activities in my life, and so on.  I've been fantasizing about how amazing a world plague where 95% of humanity dies would be like.  I'm not doing well mentally.  I feel suicidal.  I need help.  And I don't know where to get it anymore.  When I was on here, I felt amazing.  And then after my last spartan a couple years ago, I sort of disappeared.  That was the catalyst to become Teros and purge old mike.  And it worked for a while, but at the cost of neglecting NF.  Then I get shit from some 'higher-ups' that doesn't sit well with me and puts a bad taste in my mouth.  Then slowly, most of the people I came to know and love on this site disappeared.  They were either tired of the same crap that I was, or gave up on trying to better themselves and instead would talk to me through other channels.  I feel like I'm a ripped apart and dirty rag floating in the dusty wind, just getting caked with grime.  I have cabin fever, only it's with *HUMANITY*.  I can't stand who I interact with on a daily basis.  I use unhealthy coping mechanisms.  I want to break and destroy things constantly.  I feel myself on the edge of making a horrible mistake and lashing out when the last straw breaks my back.  I hate myself and everyone around me.  And I can't shake it.  Something has to give and it has to give now.

 

This new challenge couldn't have come at a better time.  After all the shit I've been dealing with in my personal life, I need a complete reboot.

 

Anyone that talks to me on facebook, just talk to me on here instead.  I can't go on facebook anymore.  It's too painful psychologically. And I'm not being over-dramatic with anything that I've written.  All of this is completely, brutally honest. I've been posting for far far far too long about wanting to make a 'comeback' or some shit on NF but then I don't fucking do it. 

I've tried to ween myself off of junk food and that's never worked. 

I've tried to ween myself off of social media and that's never worked. 

I've tried to ween myself off of videos and that's never worked.

I've tried to ween myself off of physical intimacy and that's never worked. 

I've wanted to ween myself into getting back onto NF and that's never worked. 

 

Weening, or any sort of gradual change, simply does NOT work for me.  I'm a man of extremes, so I need to use that for good and completely overhaul.  With all of this bullshit off of my chest, my goddamn challenge that I'm doing for good is this:

 

 

1) Whole30 - Should be obvious.  Not 80%. Not 90%. Not 95%. Not 99%.  100% or I fucking fail and I never come back on this website again.

 

2) Facebook Fuckoff - No more facebook.  I haven't checked it in the past couple hours.  If I go on tomorrow, it's to make a post saying that I'm fucking quitting it for a month and that's it.  100% or I fucking fail and I never come back on this website again.

 

3) Youtube Fuckoff - No more youtube.  This includes any time that I think of a funny thing that I want to show on my posts.  Too bad.  I'll just have to deal without posting any links.  If I post any youtube links then I fucking fail and I never come back on this website again.

 

4) Women Twice - I see one of the ladies once a week for a movie day.  This weekend is the last of the horror movie binges.  After that, I will NOT spend a whole day with a woman.  My life is too goddamn important to spend it dicking around with hot women all the time.  I'm spending two evenings per week with women and that's it.  Cutting out facebook will also change this dynamic so this is subject to change as I see how it goes.

 

5) Work out - Probably the only thing I've been doing right has been exercise.  I've been getting into 2 interval joggings and 1 mma class per week.  I'm sticking with this for the challenge until I want to do more times per week.  I do 3x workouts per week or I fucking fail and I never come back on this website again.

 

6) No Porn - No more going on any sites whatsoever.  I've noticed that the more I do *that*, the more weak I become.  Why the hell am I doing this when there are real, living, breathing, hot options that want to be with me?  And why the fuck am I putting myself in a position where I feel unworthy?  It's mentally unhealthy for me to do this, EVER.  I've never been on a porn website and thought, "Ah, I feel better now".  It's more shame and guilt than it's worth.  So I'm stopping or I fucking fail and I never come back on this website again.

 

7) Have a Life - With the work, school, internship trifecta of diarrhea in my life, I need to have a life outside of that.  With facebook trolling and youtube zombie-time being completely ruled out or I quit NF forever, this means I will dedicate one evening per week to do one of the following things:

-Writing a report

-Reading a book

-Painting

-Creative writing

-Claywork

I do something that I'm proud of once a week or I fucking fail and I never come back on this website again.

 

No more gradual change.  No more 'kinda'.  No more half-assing anything anymore.  I either fucking do this or I don't deserve to be Teros anymore.

[WhiteGhost]

Dude, it sounds like you are in a really tough place right now.

 

We don't really know each other, but having read this and your previous challenge, it seems that NF has been a major positive influence in your life in the past, as it currently is for me.  It would be a shame if you were to leave here forever, as I think it would be a great loss to both you and to the community here.  We will all be better off if you succeed  

 

What can we do to support you for this challenge?

[WolfDreamer]

6 hours ago, Teros said:

No more gradual change.  No more 'kinda'.  No more half-assing anything anymore.

 

Dude, this fired me up. I'm also very guilty of "half-assing" things. Just fucking do it or don't. I'm here to support any way I can.

[CallunaTook]

I would miss you if you left, but I do understand. I quit Facebook years ago and got some serious crap for it, but I think for me it was the right thing to do. If you think it's right for you to leave NF, then ok, but I hope it is helpful to you, and I am pulling for you!

 

I did Paleo/Whole 30 pretty successfully for several months without "cheating." I may be able to give you some pointers or suggestions if you encounter hurdles or craving problems. NF Academy also has a great extended module on Paleo, although it's meant for gradual incorporation. However, if you're a member, there are probably still some tips you can use! 

 

And yeah, let us know what we can do to help. 

 

I can feel your will power from here, and you're no weakling. I've read some of your other posts and in some ways you are certainly stronger than I am, and I admire you for that, and for how much you want to help people and improve the world. In the comics, this is where the protagonist might discover their super power. In life... well... the only thing to do is pull out the other side, right? Good luck in all. 

[Korranation]

9 hours ago, Teros said:

I utterly hate my job and every hour I'm there, I'm going insane.  This job is so completely underneath me that I'm actually insulted and disgusted with myself that I still am going to it.  I'm calling out sick tomorrow because it's after midnight right now and there's no way I'm waking up and working at 6am tomorrow.  Fuck that.  FUCK that.

 

I hate my internship and the chaos that ensues because of it.  I hate how there's no protocol, how there's no one actually trying to make a difference, and I'm learning just how completely fucked homeless clients are.  I love my clients/residents, but the bureaucracy that I'm part of makes me sick. And I have to deal with it multiple times per week so it's like a sore wound that keeps opening up. I can't compartmentalize and not think about it.  I was at a residency until 10pm Sunday night. And I have someone to contact tomorrow.  And I have Outreach on Tuesday, and clients Tuesday, and evening Outreach Tuesday.  And I have a meeting to go to.  And I have another 2 hour meeting on Friday where I've learned NOTHING.  I HATE check-ins for this agency.  It's people sitting around with their thumbs up their ass and interns asking the most insipid, banal, awful questions.  It always amounts to, "I had a feeling" or "A client did a very obviously bad thing and I'm too much of a fucking coward to say anything to them".  I want to facepalm myself in the face so hard that my brain fucking explodes.

Looks like you have burnout from work and school and compassion fatigue at your internship. I know you're going through a lot right now, but it's a big step to admit as much and an even bigger step to take the initiative about it.

 

whatever you're doing this challenge we're here to support you however we can and cheer you on. 

[Sylvaa]

I love you and I'm going to be very honest with you. I wish I were still up in Boston so that I could be face to face. 

 

10 hours ago, Teros said:

I hate every single thing about my life in this moment.  I hate where I live, the people in my life, the activities in my life, and so on.  I've been fantasizing about how amazing a world plague where 95% of humanity dies would be like.  I'm not doing well mentally.  I feel suicidal.  I need help.  And I don't know where to get it anymore.

 

11 hours ago, Teros said:

I can't stand who I interact with on a daily basis.  I use unhealthy coping mechanisms.  I want to break and destroy things constantly.  I feel myself on the edge of making a horrible mistake and lashing out when the last straw breaks my back.  I hate myself and everyone around me.  And I can't shake it.  Something has to give and it has to give now.

 

If someone said this to you, with your training, what would your advice be? I am worried about you. I'm concerned that you need more help than anyone on this forum is qualified to give you. 

 

You had this consistent improvement going on for months. Now you've hit a speed bump that has rapidly spiraled out of control. I feel like the thing to do is to get back to basics. You have so much going on and are trying to do everything and of course it isn't working. You can't fix everyone and everything (no matter how hard you want to or try!). 

 

11 hours ago, Teros said:

I hate school with the white hot passion of a thousand dying galaxy suns. 

 

I feel like this is actually pretty common. Like with many different levels of schooling. I'm not that bad atm, but I will tell you that I feel like 90% of what I am doing is a waste of time. AND I have no idea what exactly people are going to expect from me when I finish. The thing right now is that I am close enough to being done that I don't even care - just give me the degree and let me go. Is that the right attitude? Not at all. But I feel like part of learning is figuring out your own path too. 

[Teros]

9 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

What can we do to support you for this challenge?

 

Accountability.  I need to be on here as much as possible to counteract all the negative coping mechanisms I use.

 

4 hours ago, Wolfen said:

 

Dude, this fired me up. I'm also very guilty of "half-assing" things. Just fucking do it or don't. I'm here to support any way I can.

I'm going to whole-ass this.

 

4 hours ago, CallunaTook said:

And yeah, let us know what we can do to help. 

As stated: accountability.

 

4 hours ago, CallunaTook said:

In the comics, this is where the protagonist might discover their super power.

When I hit rock bottom last time, I started my purge and Project Phoenix.

 

1 hour ago, Korranation said:

Looks like you have burnout from work and school and compassion fatigue at your internship.

Understatement.  I loathe the drama and stress that accompanies it.  I love when I know WHAT I'm doing and when I feel CHALLENGED, as well as when I'm making a DIFFERENCE.  None of those things are happening (at least in my opinion) and that's why I am extremely run-down.  The junk food magnifies my problems by 100.  No joke - I have a sugar addiction and I fully believe 100% that it's as real and devastating as alcohol or any other drug.

 

25 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

If someone said this to you, with your training, what would your advice be?

 

26 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

Now you've hit a speed bump

 

My oldest friendship abandoning me isn't a speed bump.

Realizing that I'll never be with the person I want to be with isn't a speed bump.

Regaining 20% of my fat isn't a speed bump.

Not sleeping for days isn't a speed bump.

 

This is a dumpster fire.

 

28 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

You have so much going on and are trying to do everything and of course it isn't working.

 

I can't quit school.

I can't quit my job.

I can't quit my internship.

I can't quit homework.

I can't quit working on my health.

I can't quit socializing.

 

So where exactly am I going to cut back on?

 

31 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

I love you

 

I love you too.

 

32 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

just give me the degree and let me go. Is that the right attitude? Not at all.

 

That's *my* attitude.  My internship placement has a 'culture' of expecting people to do extra hours and not log them.  You think I'm going to do MORE and not get paid for it?  FUCK that.

 

--

 

October 23: Day 1

I couldn't sleep after my last post.  Ended up texting someone and then at some point passing out.  I think around 3am maybe?  My alarm went off for 5:30am this morning for me to go to work.  I called out and tried to sleep a little more.

 

I needed to sort this shit out in my head.  After getting that verbal diarrhea of a rant out of my brain last night (technically this morning), it was time to figure out a game-plan.  I grabbed my pug, Chuck, and we went for a walk.  I haven't gone on a walk with him in months because he is like me and utterly hates the heat.  We're both a couple of sweaty fucks during the summer.  It was in the 50s when I woke up so I figured this was a good time to get out.

 

Chuck and I did almost 5 miles this morning.  I didn't bring my music. I wanted to mull over stuff in my brain.  I think I have something feasible with how I can juggle this shit:

 

Wake every day at 5am.  Bed around 10pm.

 

Sunday:

[5am-7am Workout]

[7am-4pm Free Block.] 

[4pm-10pm Internship.]

 

Monday:

[5am-2pm Work.]

[2pm-3pm Jog.]

[3pm-3:30 Eat.]

[3:30-4pm Shower.]

[4pm-8pm School.]

 

Tuesday:

[5am-8am Internship.]

[8am-9am Food shop.]

[9am Start Cooking.]

[9:30-11am MMA.] (While food is cooking.)

[11am-11:30 Eat&Cook more.] (While food is cooking.)

[11:30-12:30 Shower&Get ready for internship] (While food is cooking.)

[1pm-3pm Internship (Clients)]

[3pm-3:30pm Supervision.] (While food is cooking.)

[6pm-8pm Internship.] (While food is cooking.)

(Will change in a couple weeks.)

 

Wednesday:

[5am-7am Work out.]

[7am-5pm Transitional Job.]

[5pm-10pm Free Block.]

 

Thursday:

[5am-2pm Work.]

[2pm-3pm Jog.]

[3pm-3:30 Eat.]

[3:30-4pm Shower.]

[4pm-8pm School.]

 

Friday:

[5am-7am Work out.]

[7am-11am Free Block]

[11am-2:30pm Internship.]

[2:30pm-10pm Free Block.]

(Will change in a couple weeks.)

 

Saturday:

[5am-7am Workout]

[7am-4pm Free Block]

[4pm-10pm Free Block]

 

The Tuesday and Friday will stay this way for about a month, as I get push my clients off and don't pick up new ones, as well as see about doing another coverage evening at the residency.  Doing that will put me OVER my internship hours.  I will talk to the supervisor of the Agency and tell him that I'm over my hours, as well as working another job so I can't do the STUPID FUCKING FRIDAY MEETINGS.  This will shuffle some hours and essentially turn Friday into a 'free day' which I can then use for a second job.  When I write it a little more simply and with color coding, it looks like this in about a month:

 

 

Sunday:        Free Time                     + Internship

Monday:       Current Job (Work Out)   + School

Tuesday:      Internship    (Work Out)   + Internship

Wednesday: Transitional Job         + Free Time

Thursday:     Current Job (Work Out)  + School

Friday:           Transitional Job         + Free Time

Saturday:      Free Time                    + Free Time

 

The [Free Time] blocks will be for socializing though my scheduled hangout with human beings or doing the creative outlet(s) or homework.  It's all based on what works.  I have 5 of those [Free Time] blocks.  Guaranteed at least two of them will be for homework.  The plan is to be cutting back on the Current Job and instead picking up hours for a new Transitional Job.  Then, after a couple of weeks/months/whatever, I will do more Transitional Job hours and less Current Job hours- thus phasing out the Current Job and replacing it with the Transitional Job.

 

Ok, I'm running late because writing this took a long time.

 

 

 

[Korranation]

43 minutes ago, Teros said:

Understatement.  I loathe the drama and stress that accompanies it.  I love when I know WHAT I'm doing and when I feel CHALLENGED, as well as when I'm making a DIFFERENCE.  None of those things are happening (at least in my opinion) and that's why I am extremely run-down.  The junk food magnifies my problems by 100.  No joke - I have a sugar addiction and I fully believe 100% that it's as real and devastating as alcohol or any other drug.

It's hard to live with the chisme life when it comes to work drama. But it becomes easier if you try to remove yourself from it. 

 

Plus I I get the underutilized statement. I'm in a similar situation with the non-profit I work at. I don't have much advise in this department since I haven't gotten over this hurdle myself.

 

you did a good thing taking lil Chuck for - walk. It's a good form of self-care to get some fresh air and to share that time with a pet.

 

your plan for the week looks solid. I like how the time frames makes these SMART goals easier to attain by being specific and manageable. As for the free blocks, hanging out with Chuck totally qualifies as socializing. 

[Wild Wolf]

21 hours ago, Teros said:

I either fucking do this or I don't deserve to be Teros anymore.

 

No one else deserves to be Teros either. It's you and you alone who can fill those shoes and I'm not sure what qualifies as "not deserving" because I think it's the opposite. It's a "proving" not a "deserving". You are and never were a slave to your name..until now. But that will change. It's a shit storm of a season right now...RIGHT NOW. Limit the amount of fucks you give and rock shit, brother. I know you can and it sounds like a lot of other people are on the same page. 

 

Rooting for you, TEROS. #TheOneAndMuthaFuckinOnly

 

Wolf

[WhiteGhost]

12 hours ago, Teros said:

Accountability.  I need to be on here as much as possible to counteract all the negative coping mechanisms I use.

Sounds good. Expect me to be asking for updates regularly if I don't see anything.

 

How was your Monday?

[annyshay]

Boy do I hear you. 

 

I don’t know you at all, but I also agree with @Sylvaa. You need somebody else to help you rebuild. Shit-tsunami is an excellent term, and it would be hard to survive one without backup. We’re obviously here for you, but you may need someone down in the shit-trenches with you.

 

Also, are Chuck photos banned? I love me some puppy pics.

[RES]

23 hours ago, Wild Wolf said:

 

No one else deserves to be Teros either. It's you and you alone who can fill those shoes and I'm not sure what qualifies as "not deserving" because I think it's the opposite. It's a "proving" not a "deserving". You are and never were a slave to your name..until now. But that will change. It's a shit storm of a season right now...RIGHT NOW. Limit the amount of fucks you give and rock shit, brother. I know you can and it sounds like a lot of other people are on the same page. 

 

Rooting for you, TEROS. #TheOneAndMuthaFuckinOnly

 

Wolf

QFT

I watched you do this from afar before, I'll be all up in your grill this time if need be #dontmakemecomeupthere!!

[Jakkals]

Good luck to you for this challenge.

[DarK_RaideR]

On 23/10/2017 at 7:43 PM, Sylvaa said:

If someone said this to you, with your training, what would your advice be? I am worried about you. I'm concerned that you need more help than anyone on this forum is qualified to give you. 

100% behind this, couldn't have put it better if I wanted. What I do think this people in this forum can provide though is two things you seem to be in desperate need of: accountability and honesty. Let me expand on the latter;I know you have zero tolerance for BS and with your brutal honesty, a lot of people here know you much better than a professional can, at least until you two get really acquainted. That said, I am aware that many professionals may be or may come across as uncaring or might seem that they're simply going through the motions as they let you vent. In a sense, it's something like what you described about dealing with homeless people in that bureaucratic setting. If I know anything about you, it's that the moment you feel that you're in such a situation with a professional, you're likely to burn it (and them) all down.

 

Pun intended

 

On 23/10/2017 at 10:13 AM, WhiteGhost said:

We don't really know each other

When I first joined NF, Teros was doing an Accountability group called the RPG Fanatics. For a site called NerdFitness and promoting (at the time) a philosophy of levelling through challenges to raise your stats, I was surprised to find it was the only RPGesque thing going. Of course I joined on the fly, stuck around to see the end of that campaign and I am not shamed to admit it's what got me started on my own narratives.

There's also another tale of him failing a Spartan, then nerds urging him to do another one which he finished, inspiring the likes of @EricMN and yours truly. Look at how that played out, I'm running back to back races in two weeks while Eric qualified and ran the OCR World friggin Championship.

Plus he's into wrasslin', which is always a plus in my book.

 

 

On 23/10/2017 at 9:12 PM, Teros said:

I think I have something feasible with how I can juggle this shit:

The time blocks format looks familiar. It's a @ravnos thing, isn't it?

 

I'll get back to adressing everything in that intro post as soon as I have the time I need to do it right.

 

Good to have you back, satyr.

[Teros]

On 10/23/2017 at 3:16 PM, Korranation said:

it becomes easier if you try to remove yourself from it. 

 

I try to do that, but when I know a woman that's in her late 40s is dying on the street of cancer and is homeless; I don't know how to be like,

 

On 10/23/2017 at 3:16 PM, Korranation said:

I'm in a similar situation with the non-profit I work at. I don't have much advise in this department since I haven't gotten over this hurdle myself.

 

Details.

 

On 10/23/2017 at 10:54 PM, Wild Wolf said:

I'm not sure what qualifies as "not deserving" because I think it's the opposite.

 

Glass half empty VS half full. I'll write the short version of this story in the main post on why I consider it 'deserving'.

 

On 10/24/2017 at 2:50 AM, WhiteGhost said:

How was your Monday?

 

The rest of Monday went fine.  I'm going to recap what happened Tuesday and my plans for today (Wednesday) in a minute.

 

On 10/24/2017 at 8:15 AM, annyshay said:

Shit-tsunami is an excellent term, and it would be hard to survive one without backup. We’re obviously here for you, but you may need someone down in the shit-trenches with you.

 

I don't have anyone IRL besides a couple of 'ladies'.

 

On 10/24/2017 at 8:15 AM, annyshay said:

Also, are Chuck photos banned? I love me some puppy pics.

 

Picture uploading is a pain in the ass but if you keep asking, I can probably make it happen.  Since I don't use any media outlets, the only way I can do this is through taking a picture on my phone, then taking a picture of *that* with my laptop, then uploading it to a server, and then posting that link.

 

11 hours ago, RES said:

I'll be all up in your grill this time if need be #dontmakemecomeupthere!!

 

Is that a promise?

 

10 hours ago, Jakkals said:

Good luck to you for this challenge.

 

Ty.  I'm best with my back against the wall.  Same to you.

 

2 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

If I know anything about you, it's that the moment you feel that you're in such a situation with a professional, you're likely to burn it (and them) all down

 

It's why I don't like the head of the Agency and also one of the reasons I have such a hard time with school.

 

2 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

I'm running back to back races in two weeks while Eric qualified and ran the OCR World friggin Championship.

 

Fucking amazing, man.  I'm going to try and catch up.

 

2 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

wrasslin'

 

 

2 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

The time blocks format looks familiar

 

For some reason, highlighting someone with an *at* tag doesn't seem to quote.  Ravnos did something like this with an excel spreadsheet and it was something I had done in the past, but not on here.  If I try and count things down to the hour, I'm optimizing and then I very quickly fall behind and beat myself up.  I want a few blocks of things per day so that way there's wiggle room but I'm still on track.  If I tried to plan things per hour, what happens when a client doesn't show up?  What happens when I stick around for an extra two hours to help them fill out housing applications?  What happens when Outreach takes an extra 45 minutes?  What if there's a huge backup of traffic between things?  What if I didn't account for laundry and now I have nothing to exercise in?  Etc.  There's so many smaller things that can go wrong which would totally fuck up my day if I was that specific.

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Recap for those that don't know me and why this challenge means everything to me:

 

>I've always been socially awkward, stuck in my head, depressed, anxious, high-functioning autistic, borderline personality disorder, pushover. (This personality I label 'old mike'.)

>I've always used video game heroes as *my* personal hero, and I created an amalgamation of who and what *I* want to be.  The one that doesn't run from a fight, that beats things on hard difficulty, that pulls through at the last second, the natural-born leader, leading by example.  (This personality I label 'Teros'.)

>Over the course of my life, these two have conflicted, essentially I feel like one body housing the Hero (Teros) and the Villain (old mike).

>I was 360 pounds, in a 12 year toxic enmeshed relationship, no real friends, felt completely lost, bitter, jaded, depressed, suicidal, anxiety-ridden, and alone.

>Finding a second family (NF) that understands me (Teros) made all the difference.

>I tried my damndest but I couldn't beat a Spartan and then my second family was there for me, for Teros.  That's how people on NF know me.

>I beat a spartan race. I lost 120 pounds. I cut my hair. I got dreadlocks.  I got my first piercing. I got my first tattoo. I ended my 12 year relationship.  I burned 95% of all of my belongings in a purging fire.  I got accepted into a master's program.  I started taking mma classes.  Built a wall of positivity. I wrote a campaign of my own realm for years on here.  Took a plane - went to camp NF.  I built a bookshelf, a kitchen table, laid down carpet, painted, cleaned, built a home-gym, and purged even more.

 

 

In short, I became the person I wanted to be. I became the hero that I envisioned in my own mind.  Look at the stark contrast of where I am mentally in the first post on this thread compared to this picture.  Does that SOUND like the same person to you?  It fucking doesn't sound like it to me.  That sounds like old mike, not Teros.  I don't deserve to call myself Teros anymore if I can't live up to MY personal standard.  Everyone else can judge me as they want, but what truly matters to me is if I prove MY worth to MY self and that is what this challenge is about.  If these are my options, you should know which one I choose:

 

 

Call it a 'speed bump'.  Call it a 'hurdle'.  Call whatever. What *I* see it as, is this above choice.  I refuse to be like the sad, pathetic and broken people on that dating website that are lonely, scared, cowards, that lack any sort of passion or conviction.  They are weak.  I'm not angry with them - I'm angry with a society that molded them into that.  The same goes for homeless clients.  All the brokenness of alcoholism, drug abuse, crimes, personality disorders... Because when I see that weakness, I see the darkest part of myself.  I see old mike.  I see people conditioned in a world to not act as people, but like dogs.  I'm not a lapdog.  I'm not a machine man with a cold machine heart.  Much like an anorexic that is terrified of gaining weight, deep down I'm terrified of becoming what I hate - the villain - again.  I can't become 'one of them' again.  I refuse to be dragged down into the mud because my empathy has turned into apathy.  I refuse to 'settle' for a mediocre job, at a mediocre pace, with a mediocre woman, and have mediocre kids, live a mediocre life, and have a mediocre death.  I REFUSE mediocrity.

 

 

 THAT is why this challenge is so important to me.  THAT is why if I don't put my back against a wall and do this, I don't deserve to be called Teros anymore.  THAT is why I have such high standards. THAT is why I'm going to beat this challenge.

 

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October 24: Day 2

 

My day went as follows:

 

-Woke up at 5:30am.

 

-Went to do morning Outreach.  Brought a woman's stuff to the shelter (carried her things as we walked), input a few clients in the HomelessTrackerApp.  It was raining and I had a t-shirt and shorts on for roughly 2 hours.

 

-Came home and had 1 hour to do some cooking.  I started off with baking some seasoned chicken thighs.

 

-Went to pick up a client, drive to their brother's place to pick up her belongings, and then brought her to the HQ to meet up with another caseworker.

 

-Waited for the translator and another client. No show.

 

-Came home and had 1 hour to do more cooking. I cooked some apple chicken sausages and the rest of the chicken thighs.

 

-Went to the craft store to pick up a couple items for a quick b-day gift.

 

-Mailed out some things

 

-Met with the woman that is running the *other* homeless housing residency.  I explained how we had literally nothing.  She's a professional chef before she became a social worker. 

She hooked me up with a ton of cooking supplies.  Everything that I wanted to do with the programs: she echoed.  I felt 10000% validated with what I'm doing now.

 

-Had my meeting with the art director for the claywork program that I want to try and start with the homeless residency.  Got a rough budget proposal.

 

-Had about an hour before the next Outreach so I started making some seasoned thin-cut pork chops.

 

-Evening Outreach, where I connected with a couple more clients and actually *taught* on the street with a few Brown University interns that are starting Outreach.  Made a friend (kinda? maybe? idk?) named Mia, who also had a septum piercing.

 

-Combined the Agency Outreach Team and the Brown University Outreach Team together - there were about 12 of us in total.

 

-Explained the situation with the residency to an Agency Intern that I can trust.

 

-Went and ordered a burger with no bun - just lettuce and tomato - from a place that I know is ok paleo-wise.

 

-Got home at 9:30pm. Ate. Went to bed by 10:30pm.

 

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October 25: Day 3

 

-Woke up at 5:30am

 

-Went for a 5 mile walk. Also did some jogging towards the end.  My left knee hurts and the front part of my feet hurt.  This is ok because tomorrow is work and school - I should be sitting and not doing much of anything.

 

-Took a long shower (I didn't even get to yesterday - I was so fucking tired by 10:30pm).

 

-Cleaning up

 

-Wrote this (made the above picture/collage)

 

-Doing homework.

 

::Later::

 

-Continue homework

 

-Write more Neuro Report

 

-Meeting with one of the Agency Interns to work on our papers together.  Also letting her know that the woman from the *other* residency is stopping by on Friday.

 

[Korranation]

58 minutes ago, Teros said:

Details.

 

So I work with a transition center for kids who age out of the foster care system. They're now legal adults who can go to college for free, but still need assistance on getting a job, housing, food, medical appointments, and basic need for preparation for adult living. 

 And these kids have grown up in poor conditions and can act poorly, causing fight with other kids, threatening staff, and stealing stuff from our building. 

I use to deal with filing paper work in my department, but since a different admin in a different department went on maternity leave I've been chained to the front desk for three months straight. So now I have to worry about an angry youth coming in with a gun and taking their frustrations on me for the upset of someone else's mistake. 

Not only that, but now I have to deal with the drama of the other front desk crew complaints, case managers grievances, councelors laments, parenting trainers troubles, and my programs problems. 

Theres not much I can do until the other admin gets back. Or I quit my job.

[Korranation]

I wrote a campaign of my own realm for years on here.  

 

what truly matters to me is if I prove MY worth to MY self and that is what this challenge is about.

 

  I REFUSE mediocrity.

I remember being in a few of those campaigns. They were so much fun.     

 

True that  

 

And preach!

 

 

 

 

 

[RES]

6 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

When I first joined NF, Teros was doing an Accountability group called the RPG Fanatics

I miss that group...

 

2 hours ago, Teros said:

Is that a promise?

[Teros]

6 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

doing an Accountability group called the RPG Fanatics

+

44 minutes ago, RES said:

I miss that group...

 

44 minutes ago, RES said:

yes please...

 

2 hours ago, Korranation said:

Theres not much I can do until the other admin gets back.

Are they just expecting you to handle it for a year without any help?

 

[Korranation]

Are they just expecting you to handle it for a year without any help?
 

Thankfully the US doesn't care about maternity leave so my workplace only gives out 3 months. The other admin will be back in less than two weeks. And I'm already applying for other jobs.

[RES]

Just now, Korranation said:

Thankfully the US doesn't care about maternity leave so my workplace only gives out 3 months. The other admin will be back in less than two weeks. And I'm already applying for other jobs.

Most places only give 6 weeks...

[Aquarii]

Hey Teros! Just wanted to say I am cheering for ya again this challenge. I was in a really, really bad place last year, and I can relate to some of what you are going through. You have got this! 
 

[Korranation]

Most places only give 6 weeks...

Then my place cares more than most...
So that's why a few coworkers were worried she might not come back.

[DarK_RaideR]

1 hour ago, Teros said:

 

I am equal parts confused, intrigued and excited

[Teros]

2 hours ago, Korranation said:

I'm already applying for other jobs.

So are you trying to stick it out until the other person comes back and then leave? Or are you trying to get out BEFORE that?

 

2 hours ago, RES said:

Most places only give 6 weeks...

That's awful.  Frances gives one year.

 

2 hours ago, StarlordPhoenix said:

You have got this! 

Thank you.  Hugs and smiles and jolly handshakes.

 

1 hour ago, DarK_RaideR said:

I am equal parts confused, intrigued and excited

 

Might just have to wait until Halloween.