Wobbegong's Complain Cave

[Wobbegong]

1 minute ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Does that make sense?

It does, but please don't prioritize me over your own mental and emotional health and security. I will never be offended by your boundaries. I will probably be upset if I find out you've brought yourself anguish on my behalf. Please don't do that. 

 

I always appreciate responses and support I get here, but as I said upfront, if something I'm talking or asking about is not working for you, see to yourself first! If that means not answering, don't answer. If that means not reading at all for a while, or unfollowing this thread, or whatever, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I am already taking care of myself just by creating this record. I don't want it to be a source of pain for anyone. 

 

7 minutes ago, zeroh13 said:

Connecting all of this to self-care, IDK. I do tend to patch things up (deal with the symptoms), instead of trying to get to the deeper problems and "fix" things. 

Interesting. There are a couple of things I could dig into from what you've said, but overall it sounds like presentation was maybe of high priority with your parents? Old things getting shunted to you, not talking about mental health things, kind of papering over issues? And then again with you, patching things up, dealing with the symptoms... kind of reminds me of the Gilded Age, the coating of gold over the rotting woodwork. (That looks a lot harsher in type than I meant it in my head, sorry.) 

 

That could all be utter nonsense. There's no real science to this line of inquiry, I'm just curious to see if there are trends. Thank you for sharing! 

[Bean Sidhe]

1 hour ago, Wobbegong said:

It does, but please don't prioritize me over your own mental and emotional health and security. I will never be offended by your boundaries. I will probably be upset if I find out you've brought yourself anguish on my behalf. Please don't do that. 

 

I always appreciate responses and support I get here, but as I said upfront, if something I'm talking or asking about is not working for you, see to yourself first! If that means not answering, don't answer. If that means not reading at all for a while, or unfollowing this thread, or whatever, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I am already taking care of myself just by creating this record. I don't want it to be a source of pain for anyone.

 

I am okay, and Trust me, I  do take breaks from here occasionally because it does hit a bit close to home. My boundaries are fluid sometimes. Today I have been doing a bit of thinking/dealing and its good to read a bit of other perspectives. At the same time, the next few days I may not be around because getting back into the swing of things, I won't have the processing cycles to deal with it.

I will take care of me,  no worries.

[zeroh13]

19 minutes ago, Wobbegong said:

Interesting. There are a couple of things I could dig into from what you've said, but overall it sounds like presentation was maybe of high priority with your parents?

I think a big part of it was growing up poor. My parents didn't have much when they were kids. And we didn't have much when I was a kid. But around when I was in middle school, they had started earning enough where they could actually afford to get nice things. And I don't think it's really about presentation. More like, here's this cool thing, hey I just got a bonus (or finished saving up for it)! buy cool thing! Basically, like when a kid sees a toy they want cause it's cool and fun and shiny, and goes begging to their parents (or grandparents) to buy it for them. Except instead of being told "maybe later", or "it's too expensive", they can just go ahead and buy it.  (Though the claymore and battle axe might have been about presentation, but who doesn't want giant weapons in their home?)

 

I think there's also a bit of take good care of your stuff so it doesn't break. So several things were upgrades of pretty old things. Like the family TV we had (1999), it wasn't too old and worked just fine but it was becoming obsolete. And I had the previous TV (early 90s), except mine was acting up and had this habit of turning on and off on it's own, and not turning on when I wanted it to. Widescreen TV's were becoming the standard. Plus we did a lot of console gaming and HD was becoming a thing there. And then my dad got a really nice bonus, and bought a nice widescreen TV. I guess a not necessary, but functional upgrade that improved the quality of other things. 

 

I think presentation for them is largely about making it look nice for themselves (or work better or make things easier). And the only people that really come over are the ones in their D&D group. So there's some similar tastes. If a non-nerd walked in, they'd probably go "WTF?" (Picture Addams Family.)

[Wobbegong]

I ended up being able to make it to therapy today so that was wonderful. I mentioned my C-PTSD book in response to something MM said and she was very interested and asked for the title and author so she could read it herself. I was a little surprised because the most interest she showed in my n-mom book was "take note of passages that speak to you and let's talk about them." I was kind of expecting her to brush off the C-PTSD stuff that I have sort of casually diagnosed myself with but she turned out to be really pleased that I had gotten there on my own and agreed whole heartedly with my diagnosis. Cool. 

 

Overall we actually had a really good session and started digging into a couple of things in a little more depth, which was fantastic. The past couple of sessions I've sort of felt like I was flailing around trying to come up with something to say and ending up covering too many topics with not enough time, and not getting much out of it. Today was very emotional. I approve. 

 

It's absurdly early but I'm going to read for a little while and then go to bed because I'm exhausted. I was going to write "strangely" exhausted but no lol emotions always tucker me out. Hopefully as I practice dealing with them more I'll build up some strength and stamina for it... otherwise I have no idea how I'll ever get anything done. 

[Bean Sidhe]

I am glad you were able to make your appt and that it went well. Emotions are always tiring and I get that part. But like any other muscle, it takes a bit of practice and use to strengthen it.

I am glad things went well . ANd that she was so interested in your book.

[Wobbegong]

Chapter 2 of my C-PTSD book talks about different types of therapy that are commonly used to treat C-PTSD and it feels like MM and I are going to have to have a conversation about it. I know she doesn't do EMDR, and mostly so far we seem to have been doing CBT [Cognitive Behavioral Therapy] (based on the book's description, I actually don't know for sure). The book mentions a subset of CBT known as DBT [Dialectical Behavior Therapy] that sounds really interesting and definitely like something I would want to pursue further. There have been times when it seems like MM is prodding me towards some of the DBT stuff but in general she doesn't really take the lead in our sessions. I'm not sure if that's because I haven't been clear enough with my expectations or if we just don't know each other well enough yet. 

 

Reading about all of these different types of therapy definitely is helping me be more aware of the kinds of help available to me and the sort of work I should be doing myself to make this help relevant or useful. So I'm really excited to try it with MM and see how it goes. 

[Wobbegong]

I am really not good at the "daily" part of a DBL. 

 

I haven't done any more reading. I haven't really done anything therapeutic for a few days, although I have been tentatively exploring some of my coping mechanisms that often lead to dissociation and trying to find the limits there. Dissociating is not ideal, but I like my coping mechanisms. Not quite sure how to manage that yet. 

 

With the JET interview looming on the horizon, I'm kind of feeling what I call "waiting anxiety." It's not so much that I'm anxious about the interview itself -- I keep imagining it and remembering my last one, and thinking of ways to do better, and I honestly feel fairly prepared -- but just that... I really want to go, and I want to know I'm going to go. But there's nothing I can do to make it happen faster, I'm just stuck... hoping. Ugh. 

[zeroh13]

1 hour ago, Wobbegong said:

With the JET interview looming on the horizon, I'm kind of feeling what I call "waiting anxiety." It's not so much that I'm anxious about the interview itself -- I keep imagining it and remembering my last one, and thinking of ways to do better, and I honestly feel fairly prepared -- but just that... I really want to go, and I want to know I'm going to go. But there's nothing I can do to make it happen faster, I'm just stuck... hoping. Ugh. 

Waiting anxiety is so annoying. I've had it quite a few times. (Mostly with tests that I'm well prepared for, and I know I'll do good, and I don't get test anxiety, and I'm totally fine once I'm there doing it, so why, anxiety, why?)

[Wobbegong]

24 minutes ago, zeroh13 said:

Waiting anxiety is so annoying. I've had it quite a few times. (Mostly with tests that I'm well prepared for, and I know I'll do good, and I don't get test anxiety, and I'm totally fine once I'm there doing it, so why, anxiety, why?)

Yup. I don't get test or interview anxiety, I never stress when I'm in the middle of it, even if I'm not prepared I'm pretty good at winging things and usually I'm prepared so it doesn't come to that. And waiting for results after a test is never a problem either, although I get more nervous about interviews. But the waiting leading up to it... ugh. It's not exactly non-stop because I'm easily distracted, but it's kind of always lurking there, waiting for me to remember, oh yeah, that's looming on the horizon. 

 

Sustained stress is not good for humans. Maybe I'll ask MM on Tuesday if there are some tips and tricks she can give me to overcome this sort of anxiety. 

[Wobbegong]

Therapy today was cancelled because MM is sick. I hope she feels better soon! But I still won't be able to make therapy next week, so I won't see her again until the 30th. Right now I feel kind of ok about that, mostly because I get anxious before I do things (even though they always work out) so I don't like the concept that I have to go anywhere, whether it's feel-good therapy or not.

 

On the other hand... we had such a good session last week! I was really eager to go back and talk about how great it was, and see if we could repeat the experience. By the time I get back there now, we'll have sort of fallen out of sync, I think. Well, I'll worry about it when it happens, I guess. :/ 

[Wobbegong]

Wow my mom was really angry about the whole piano moving thing. My dad and I managed to get it into the truck by ourselves while mom was away at work. Before hand, she had insisted it would take "six men" to lift it, because that's what it had taken to get it into the house apparently? At the time I exchanged a look with my dad and said "Do we even know six men?" (We do, but I'm not sure we know six who would come help us move a piano at a moment's notice.) 

 

After we managed to move it and my mom came home, she kept insisting we tell her who we brought over to help. Uhh, no one? She was super distressed for some reason. I'm not sure if we threatened her opinion of us as weak or if we threatened her opinion of herself as "able to estimate weight loads" or something. Maybe now she thinks since she wasn't able to budge it at all she's really weak? Which... she is. But that's not our problem. 

 

Arrgh. I guess I'm just grumpy because we did what she told us and she's still mad about it anyway (because we didn't do it the way she told us? But it would've been costly and time-consuming to do it that way). I don't expect any better of her, really, but I do wish she wouldn't be so obnoxious about good things??? I really gotta move out. 

[Wobbegong]

I know I've complained about this before, but I just don't understand what it is about me that makes random strangers think I'm their best friend. I'm not anti-social and I get it if you want to strike up a conversation with a friendly local when you're doing your touristy thing (I'm less understanding when it's a local trying to draw me into conversation... leave me tf alone, you're so much harder to escape if there's a high probability I'll see you again, don't be creepy), but isn't it obvious that being friendly isn't the same as being friends? 

 

This lady I met while waiting for the ferry (and then ended up chatting with for the whole ferry ride) was so confused about the distinction she gave me her card and invited me to come stay with her in LA anytime I want. What. Lady. No. 

 

I can never tell if people like this have an under-developed sense of boundaries because they're shy and so grateful I was polite at all that they don't realize getting directions is not the same thing as being besties, or if they have an under-developed sense of boundaries because they're just used to steamrolling people as their natural method of interaction. Are the people I attract on public transit just really socially isolated? Are they from a culture that embraces strangers more readily than I do? Am I the one who's awkwardly standoffish? I don't know. But seriously do not invite me to your home the first time we meet and then hug me. Ugh. 

[Wobbegong]

At 11:15

 

Mom: We're going to Costco and the grocery store, do you need anything? 

Me: I don't think so. I just hit the grocery store yesterday. But thanks  Oh, what are we doing for lunch though? Are you guys getting Costco food while I fend for self?

Mom: I've decided wonton soup is the thing. 

Me: With homemade wontons?

Mom:  Yes

Me: So you're going to go grocery shopping for two hours, spend an hour making wontons, and then eat lunch at 3? 

Mom: *dirty glare* I'm not sure this whole "accurate assessment of how much time everything takes" thing is going to work for me.

Dad: Maybe wonton soup for dinner? 

Mom: Well I had a leftover taco for breakfast so idk my mind isn't on lunch yet. 

Dad: I had a small piece of toast two hours ago, I will need lunch sooner than 3. 

 

She was surprisingly pleasant throughout this whole exchange and things ended up well, but the conversation is making me reflect a little on how she really does underestimate how much time a given thing will take, and that does screw with my schedule when I'm depending on her. Is this why I'm freakishly anal about not being late to things and planning exactly how much time it will take to do everything? Very curious. 

[WhiteGhost]

Your mom seems to say "I don't think ... is going to work for me" fairly regularly. Interesting phrasing to be sure.  It makes me wonder where it comes from.

[Wobbegong]

2 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Your mom seems to say "I don't think ... is going to work for me" fairly regularly. Interesting phrasing to be sure.  It makes me wonder where it comes from.

She does say it a lot. Sometimes she just keeps talking to herself after saying it, following up with a head shake and a "Nope. Not working." I have no idea where she gets it. I say it sometimes too, at this point, so maybe we pass it back and forth? 

 

She also just says "That's not going to work for me" sometimes, with no 'I don't think' about it. She can be very negative. It helps in her effort to not do anything ever. 

[WhiteGhost]

Very telling that her assessment of most situations revolve around how it affects her, as opposed to it being good or bad by itself.  As if no other party even factors into the equasion (to the surprise if no one here...)

[Wobbegong]

2 minutes ago, WhiteGhost said:

Very telling that her assessment of most situations revolve around how it affects her, as opposed to it being good or bad by itself.  As if no other party even factors into the equasion (to the surprise if no one here...)

It's true. Even when she asks for other people's opinions, like, "What do you want for lunch today?" she's mostly just asking so she doesn't have to deal with making the decision herself. So it's still all about her. 

 

But of course she still retains ultimate veto power and any decision you make will have to be bolstered by her lengthy explanation of why she agrees (if she does). For example, immediately following the part of the conversation I recorded above, she turned to me and said "Well, what do you want for lunch?" 

 

Me: Wat. How did this become my decision?

Her: Ha ha! You see what I did there? 

Me: Based on your taco comment I assume you had [restaurant] for lunch yesterday, which is a shame because that's what I'd ask for today... hmm...

Her: Oh no [restaurant] is fine! I sent dad there yesterday but they gave me the wrong order so even though what they gave me was good I still haven't had what I wanted. So we can go again. Sounds perfect. 

 

She has an amazing capability to make every decision about her. Even me going to Japan is somehow about purposefully terrifying her because what about North Korea??? She told me tonight that I was causing her a lot of anxiety (I figured she meant about the application process in general but?) and I asked if there was anything I could do to lessen it and she said no. So I told her in that case it sounded like she was causing herself a lot of anxiety. She gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the night. 

[zeroh13]

12 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

She gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the night. 

That sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

 

12 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

Even me going to Japan is somehow about purposefully terrifying her because what about North Korea???

I'm pretty sure North Korea dislikes the US more than Japan. So, if something were to happen, being in California would be more dangerous. I don't think she'd appreciate anyone pointing that out to her though. 

[Wobbegong]

41 minutes ago, zeroh13 said:

That sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

I originally followed that eye-rolling smiley with a "Super painful punishment lol" but for some reason that comment didn't survive my editing phase. But yeah I low-key love it when she gives me the silent treatment, it's so reassuring to know I won't have to deal with her for the next couple hours at least. 

 

I will say it's a pain in the butt if we're in a situation where I'm forced to interact with her all day and she gets her panties in a twist first thing in the morning. That happened on vacation once. She's very good at ruining everyone else's time by being grumpypants. But generally speaking she gets mad at me when she's drunk in the afternoon or at night and forgets by the following morning, so it's not a huge issue. 

 

41 minutes ago, zeroh13 said:

I'm pretty sure North Korea dislikes the US more than Japan. So, if something were to happen, being in California would be more dangerous. I don't think she'd appreciate anyone pointing that out to her though. 

She's also angrily worried about tsunamis and earthquakes (which... CALIFORNIA?? also as someone who has witnessed Japan's earthquake warning system in action, it's way better than ours), and about Japanese perverts, and about anti-foreigner sentiment, and about all sorts of other nebulous possibilities she hasn't fully expressed, but most of which seem plausibly applicable everywhere in the world, so...? 

[WhiteGhost]

8 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

and about anti-foreigner sentiment

If anything you are more likely to experience the opposite of this

[Wobbegong]

8 minutes ago, WhiteGhost said:

If anything you are more likely to experience the opposite of this

Yeeeeeah. Although Japanese people will definitely stare and point and tell their kids "見てお、あれは外人だ。" [See that? That's a foreigner.]  And there are a surprisingly large number of people who will try to scam you or get you in trouble because they assume you don't know any better and won't be able to defend yourself. (It's not that surprising a number unless you include the context that Japan is considered to be a "super safe" country.) 

 

But I'm white and speak English, and that affords me a privileges that definitely will follow me overseas. I'll be looked on as an outsider and often as an idiot, but not as a criminal or migrant scum (as black and Filipino people are, respectively). And there will absolutely be more people who are just excited to see me and happy that I'm there than there will be people who resent my existence, by a large margin. 

 

All of these considerations are way too much for my mom to handle at once though. She doesn't like anything to be both good and bad, just one or the other at a time. Me being far away is super difficult for her because she's pleased if I'm able to be independent but upset that I'm not closer, so she settled on "daughter is successful, Japan is bad." That way each of us only have one quality at a time. 

 

BTW, if she ever changes her mind it's "what? I never said that" or "well, but then I heard about ___ so now ___." (She's very skilled at editing her memories though so mostly the former.) People are able to switch back and forth but she can still only either like them or not like them at any given moment, there's no "well yeah that bothers me but of course I love her anyway." Either she's mad at you and you're stupid/inconsiderate/lazy/disobedient or she's pleased with you and you're wonderful/doing so well/sweet/helpful. Allllso generally speaking the "bad thing" about you doesn't cycle through, there's just one bad thing that you do over and over. (Mine is being lazy. My dad's is "not listening." My mom seriously dislikes when I call her out on her bullshit, and she will make snide comments to let me know that she's only faking being interested in my attempts to educate her and really she resents them, but she will never think of me as "defiant" because I'm much too lazy. Because that makes sense.) 

 

It's kind of amazing to watch but also really obnoxious so... I'd rather be far away lol. 

[Wobbegong]

This is, by the way, the reason she is able to be "proud" of me for applying to JET (successful young person! independence! good career choice!) and simultaneously think that my running program is laughable. She likes to make comments to let me know how ridiculous me running is, like "You and dad moved the piano all by yourselves? Wow, your running program is giving you such strong arms!" because running is incongruous with lazy. 

 

My dad is not lazy so when he exercises it just means he's taking care of himself. She didn't tell him to do it so it's not important, but she didn't tell him not to either so it's not a problem.  

 

I still haven't figured out why "getting a job" is an expected standard and therefore "getting a good job" is going above and beyond but "getting some exercise" is not a standard?? Probably because she has a great job but hates her body. *shrug* I'mma keep running anyway, and if she hates it more power to me, but it's definitely weird. 

[zeroh13]

8 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

Probably because she has a great job but hates her body.

This is probably it. You're succeeding at (or changing) something that she can't/won't do. And if you end up with a more successful job than her, I bet she'll find plenty of things to criticize about your job.

[Wobbegong]

4 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

This is probably it. You're succeeding at (or changing) something that she can't/won't do. And if you end up with a more successful job than her, I bet she'll find plenty of things to criticize about your job.

Omg I hadn't even thought of that. I've never considered the possibility that I might have a more successful job than her since she makes in excess of 200k and is basically the 5%. You know, not the disgustingly rich 1%, but the still-unreasonably-wealthy rank right below it. But she definitely gets testy at the idea of me going into a lucrative field and has never pushed me to do so. That makes so much sense now. 

[Wobbegong]

It occurs to me that I haven't been doing much lately in the way of forcing myself to confront uncomfortable feelings. Part of that is that there was no therapy this week or last week, but also part of that is that I haven't been doing much narcissism or dysphoria or cptsd reading lately to help dredge up these buried truths. I'm feeling masochistic right now so I guess it's time to take another stab at it.