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Teros

Teros 39: [Hardcore Crusader]

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6 hours ago, Teros said:

I didn't know how to do the fancy B, which is why I capitalized it.

It's basically a double s, the umlaut is much harder to pronounce.

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11 hours ago, Teros said:

That is ok, German can be written without special characters. "ü" becomes "ue" and "ß" becomes "ss." So, "Grüße vom Krampus" is spelled out "Gruesse vom Krampus." Doesn't look as cool, but it is equally correct.

 

 

11 hours ago, Teros said:

Not trying to shame at all, but roughly half of my accountability buddies are pudgy vegans that think pizza>lean burger, healthwise.

I think a lot of vegans fall into the trap of thinking that if they are avoiding animal products, they are automatically healthier. The truth is, veganism has a health spectrum. When done right, vegans can be very healthy, energetic, lean, and even muscular. But, to achieve this, it takes a lot of work. You really have to cook most of your own food and really pay attention to your nutrients. I was a high-carb, plant-based vegan (75-80% of my diet was carbs and almost none of it was processed) when I took a 3-month-long weight-training class a couple years ago. I was vegan for almost all of the course, and I doubled my strength and endurance, built some muscle, and dropped body fat. I am no longer vegan, but I know it can be healthy when you put the work in. Regardless, I can see your issue with accountability, since veganism is not very compatible with paleo (unless they are a paleo vegan, aka Pegan, but even that is a little more flexible with grains and legumes due to the lack of meat in their diet).

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23 hours ago, StarlordPhoenix said:

I think a lot of vegans fall into the trap of thinking that if they are avoiding animal products, they are automatically healthier. The truth is, veganism has a health spectrum. When done right, vegans can be very healthy, energetic, lean, and even muscular. But, to achieve this, it takes a lot of work

 

I've found that vegans who are eating weird fake food that's meant to emulate meat/conventional foods don't do as well as ones who commit to veggies/whole foods. There are plenty of junk food vegan workarounds. Technically, Oreos are vegan. 

 

All this talk about food as me starving. 

 

giphy.gif

 

As for Teros' pot adventure, I totally identify. It wrecks my throat/eyes and does very little for me, overall.

 

Though I've found that it does help with my asthma, ironically, afterward. Apparently this has something to do with the pot scorching the little sensitive hairs in the lungs that cause them to over-react to stimuli.

 

I don't think that trade-off is worth it, but it's interesting to consider, scientifically. 

Edited by Super Starling!
added a fun GIF
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<--- is allergic to pot. Which is super annoying because people are always like, "there's no way". 

 

But I've found I'm allergic due to trying and it has zero effect on me. You know, other than the violent reaction to smoking it.

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2 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

<--- is allergic to pot. Which is super annoying because people are always like, "there's no way". 

 

But I've found I'm allergic due to trying and it has zero effect on me. You know, other than the violent reaction to smoking it.

I get violent migraines immediately from a single whiff of the stuff. Which is extra annoying now that it's legal here. Whenever I tell people that, they say, "Oh, you should try edibles!!" No thanks. 

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On 12/15/2017 at 11:03 AM, Wobbegong said:

I get violent migraines immediately from a single whiff of the stuff. Which is extra annoying now that it's legal here. Whenever I tell people that, they say, "Oh, you should try edibles!!" No thanks. 

I tried them. It was my only illegal drug experience. They were brownies. I am not up for smoking ever, but since it was food, I thought, heck, why not. Ate a whole one. The bakers told me that I should not have done that, since I was a newb and they had made them out to be strong, and I should have had only a half or a quarter. 

 

I felt absolutely nothing whatsoever, other than like I ate a brownie. Meanwhile, the other people at the party who ate the brownies were all like.... 

giphy.gif

 

 

Lame. It made me wonder if it was all psychosomatic. 

 

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17 hours ago, CallunaTook said:

Lame. It made me wonder if it was all psychosomatic. 

 

I wonder if there's a way to test that. Give half the people regular brownies and the other half edibles and see what happens. Like, people with regular brownies might start thinking they're tripping, vice versa.

 

But I'm not sure how on earth you could pull that off, ethically. "We might be giving you something illegal and mind-altering. We might not. Sign these forms."

 

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5 hours ago, Super Starling! said:

 

But I'm not sure how on earth you could pull that off, ethically. "We might be giving you something illegal and mind-altering. We might not. Sign these forms."

 

 

 

I think we could find people who would go for that. Now as to where we could legally do such a study, that would be a little trickier.

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On 12/12/2017 at 11:03 PM, Teros said:

I eventually slumped down into the laying-down position on the couch.  Next thing I remember, I'm being elbowed by my friend who gave me a frozen reeses cup.  I ate it without question and fell back to sleep.  This happened another 2 or 3 times.  That's all pot does.  I just sleep and eat junk.  Wow guys, I could have done that WITHOUT needing drugs...

 
After I tell her this, she says, "Well maybe you didn't take a big enough hit!"  I doubt this and we start talking about tolerances.  I would get headaches if people even smoked around me.  I'm probably a lightweight. 
 
...She tells me it will take 5ish minutes for the stuff she uses.  10 minutes later and I'm bored.  Apparently I'm supposed to take another hit.  I do it again.  This doesn't do crap.  Either she's a super MEGA lightweight and this is a lame stash, or I have a much higher resistance that I thought. 

 

So, in the first instance, it was definitely not because you "didn't take a big enough hit." The reaction you described is more what I see in people who get TOO high (I know a lot of frequent smokers). 

 

From what I am told, your first time, or your first time in awhile, getting high is not going to be a "normal" reaction. People have been known to react ver strongly, react weirdly, or react little to not at all in these instances. My more experienced friends have told me it takes usually three or four times getting high (within a short period of time, not waiting months in between) before you start to experiencing a more "normal" high. I use the term "normal" loosely, since everyone is different and people's reactions and tolerances can vary greatly as well. 

 

There are also a lot of different strains that cause different levels of highs and types of highs, so depending on the strain (or combination of strains) you smoke, you might experience a stronger reaction, more or less hunger, etc.

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17 hours ago, StarlordPhoenix said:

From what I am told, your first time, or your first time in awhile, getting high is not going to be a "normal" reaction. People have been known to react ver strongly, react weirdly, or react little to not at all in these instances. My more experienced friends have told me it takes usually three or four times getting high (within a short period of time, not waiting months in between) before you start to experiencing a more "normal" high. I use the term "normal" loosely, since everyone is different and people's reactions and tolerances can vary greatly as well. 

 

Well. Learn something new every day!  

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On 12/17/2017 at 3:43 PM, CallunaTook said:

 

I think we could find people who would go for that. Now as to where we could legally do such a study, that would be a little trickier.

Colorado or Washington State

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2 hours ago, RES said:

Colorado or Washington State

Or Oregon, California, Nevada, Alaska, Maine, Massachusetts, and Washington D.C., which have all also recently legalized it for recreational use.

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4 hours ago, StarlordPhoenix said:

Or Oregon, California, Nevada, Alaska, Maine, Massachusetts, and Washington D.C., which have all also recently legalized it for recreational use.

 

 

All I can say is :

 

This is coming from a guy that has never tried has no intention of trying it, but doesn't think that I should be able to say that you can't if you are an adult.  At the same time, I should be able to put you in jail if you do something illegal on it just like alcohol.

 

 

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On 12/18/2017 at 3:17 AM, StarlordPhoenix said:

From what I am told, your first time, or your first time in awhile, getting high is not going to be a "normal" reaction. People have been known to react ver strongly, react weirdly, or react little to not at all in these instances. My more experienced friends have told me it takes usually three or four times getting high (within a short period of time, not waiting months in between) before you start to experiencing a more "normal" high. I use the term "normal" loosely, since everyone is different and people's reactions and tolerances can vary greatly as well. 

That would explain most of my experiences around the subject... Thanks for the heads-up

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On 12/12/2017 at 11:24 PM, GregT. said:

Sounds like Little is O.K. and just uses the Little stuff as you said as a way to communicate difficult topics.  At least she is talking to you about it.

 

True. It would be way worse if she never expressed anything.  I just wish she was mature.

 

On 12/13/2017 at 11:05 AM, StarlordPhoenix said:

That is ok, German can be written without special characters. "ü" becomes "ue" and "ß" becomes "ss." So, "Grüße vom Krampus" is spelled out "Gruesse vom Krampus." Doesn't look as cool, but it is equally correct.

 

Good to know. :)

 

On 12/13/2017 at 11:05 AM, StarlordPhoenix said:

I think a lot of vegans fall into the trap of thinking that if they are avoiding animal products, they are automatically healthier. The truth is, veganism has a health spectrum.

 

Yes and the air of superiority *despite* still eating garbage is what goes up my ass.  I hate the 'well this is so much better'....really?  People don't realize that non-animal eating is somehow not exempt of animal products.  I fully agree that it's a spectrum.  Eating Domino's every night is not better than a grass-fed burger.

 

On 12/13/2017 at 11:05 AM, StarlordPhoenix said:

Pegan

 

Had to look this up.  Interesting.

 

On 12/14/2017 at 10:45 AM, Super Starling! said:

Teros' pot adventure

 

Lol

 

On 12/15/2017 at 9:22 AM, Sylvaa said:

violent reaction to smoking it.

 

I did one cough and that was it. Little has a coughing fit every. single. time.  I feel like she should be able to handle the smoke considering she takes a couple hits a day, every day.

 

On 12/15/2017 at 12:03 PM, Wobbegong said:

violent migraines immediately from a single whiff of the stuff.

 

I get headaches when she smokes.  I have her blow the smoke away from me.  It used to bother me way more when I first was hanging out with her.

 

On 12/16/2017 at 5:05 PM, CallunaTook said:

made me wonder if it was all psychosomatic

 

I've thought that too.  I've noticed that Little thinks she's having a GREAT time and everyone around her is having a GREAT time, even though nothing is happening.  She said one day when a couple of her friends were over, that her friends were having a blast.  I was there....and her friends were sitting on the couch, in silence.  One of them was writing.  The other was playing with his hands.  That somehow =

Image result for party hard gif

 

On 12/17/2017 at 10:24 AM, Super Starling! said:

Like, people with regular brownies might start thinking they're tripping, vice versa.

Image result for these snozzberries taste like snozberries

 

 

FUNFACT:  The writer of Willy Wonka wrote other books and used the term 'snozberries'.  It means DICK.  He was making an inside-joke in a different book.

 

 

On 12/17/2017 at 8:17 PM, StarlordPhoenix said:

My more experienced friends have told me it takes usually three or four times getting high (within a short period of time, not waiting months in between) before you start to experiencing a more "normal" high. I use the term "normal" loosely, since everyone is different and people's reactions and tolerances can vary greatly as well. 

 

See, I don't understand why someone would force themselves to do that.

 

I've heard the same about drinking.  I've tried beer and it's fucking gross.  All of it.  Always.  The same with wine.  I get to hear, 'Oh you just need to have in a bunch and eventually you'll like it."  Why would I force-drink piss-water until I end up liking it?  Heard the same about coffee.  Oh just keep doing shit until it becomes something you like and then you'll end up having it all the time.

 

No thanks.  That seems really dumb, to be honest.

 

On 12/18/2017 at 1:23 PM, CallunaTook said:

Learn something new every day

+

On 12/20/2017 at 8:15 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

That would explain most of my experiences around the subject.

 

 

On 12/19/2017 at 11:07 PM, GregT. said:

This is coming from a guy that has never tried has no intention of trying it, but doesn't think that I should be able to say that you can't if you are an adult.  At the same time, I should be able to put you in jail if you do something illegal on it just like alcohol.

 

I think almost everything should be illegal (barring hurting another person physically), but then again I'm borderline anarchist.

 

Image result for v for vendetta anarchy quote

 

----------------

 

 

 

I think rather than having a monster post about every single day, that I should instead talk about a theme of something going on with me.  I need to start a discussion about this and need to know what people's thoughts are, rather than a *like/thumbs up*...

 

I've had to re-write this intro a couple times now.  Mainly because I need to get to the heart this.  It starts back in grade-school.

 

I went to Catholic school from 2nd-8th grade.  I hated it.  One of the things that was ingrained in me, was the evilness of sex.  If you have sex once, you're getting every STD ever.  It's like having sex with every other person that had sex before you.  You'll get AIDs. And cancer.  And Cancer-Aids.  Maybe even SuperAids.  And your dick will rot off.  Oh, and there's a 100% chance of having a child and abortion is not an option so are you going to be able to handle being a parent at age 14?  Condoms have less than 5% effectiveness.  And a whole bunch of other horseshit.

 

Because I was impressionable, young, and naive, I believed all of this shit.  And over the course of years, I was conditioned into thinking this was all true.  Thankfully, once I got out of that school, a lot of the myths about sex faded away.

 

As I grew up on the AGE OF THE INTERNET, it was stupidly easy to find porn without tons of viruses and bullshit.  It was a simpler time: you could just search for someone sitting on a face and enjoy a short video.  In my puberty years, I realized that I really hate seeing vanilla sex and bjs.  Namely because I don't want to see another dude's dong.  I would rather see some lady x lady action, or in other cases: BDSM- dominatrix with a guy slave.  There generally was a lot of pleasing a woman in those videos, meaning mostly dong-free viewing.  Something about this dynamic was way more enjoyable.  *thumbs up*

 

I swear there's a point to me explaining all of this.

 

By the time age 17 rolled around and I had my first and only girlfriend, I was much more interested in BDSM than in what I will coin 'Vanilla Sex' (VS) = Manparts goes in the Ladyparts teehee.  I said that *some* of the myths about sex faded, but not all of them.  I was still terrified of accidentally having a kid and I didn't think condoms were effective at all.  At the start of the relationship, we didn't do anything.  There were lots of handjobs.  As the relationship started to grow, I realized I had multiple stigmas associated with sex.

 

1) I hated myself.  Because I hated myself, part of me didn't feel I *deserved* to have sex.

2) I hated my body.  I was ashamed of how disgustingly fat I was and the thought of me having sex was repulsive for me.  Who in their right mind would want to have sex with me?

3) I was still scared of accidental kid-creation.

 

I would tell my g/f all the time that I was fine with doing everything except VS.  I explained the reasons why.  I felt l needed to lose weight.  I needed help.  I thought she was very attractive and it was nothing about *her* that was the problem.  It was all in my head about myself. 

 

As the years passed, she wanted nothing to do with me.  VS or any sex wasn't brought up.  And she didn't want anything from me.  Sexually, things were dead after about a year and it just dragged on, painfully slow, for another 11 years.  Towards the end of the relationship, I realized something.  There was a 4th problem that I didn't know about:

 

4) I want to have sex with someone I'm in love with.

 

I wasn't in love with her.  And when Kit started to show up, I emotionally felt a spark that I never felt before.  It was the feeling of being IN love (as I described 'love' and 'in love' as being different).  For the first time, I wanted to have VS with someone and it wasn't my current g/f. I didn't know what to do.

 

After the Spartan Race and the scaled tipping from old mike to becoming Teros, I knew what I wanted in a relationship.  My g/f was not it.  Not even close.  I had been comfortable in my emotionally abusive situation for so long and I was finally done with it.  Things ends, Project Phoenix happened, I lost over 100 pounds, yadda yadda story of my life.

 

The point here is the sex.  The VS.  After the relationship that never occurred with Kit was gone from my life, I felt a ripping apart..  It was painful and bitter.  But after a month or so, I was over it.  This is extremely important.

 

Cue the 'Year Off' that I took.  I felt I needed to work on myself and that I shouldn't bother trying to date.  There were a couple of women that I talked to and i gravitated extremely close to two of them.  One of them still checks on here.  I felt a lot of intense feelings with her, but I also knew deep down that logically, it wouldn't work between us. She was always busy and we talked less and less, but I never forgot about her.  As that situation faded, the situation with Lyn picked up.  After a few months of very intense emotional conversation and brutal honesty, she disappeared.  With Lyn, I felt something stronger than I ever felt before.  More than Kit.  More than anyone combined.  I couldn't describe it.  I wanted VS with Lyn, but as I stated; she faded from my life and unlike Kit,  I never got over her.  That feeling lingered, always, and to this day, she is who I want to be with.

 

Cue Dating that I started in October of 2016:

 

I just wanted some friends since I felt I grew out of my old ones.  And my reward for looking for companionship was shitshow after shitshow.  I mentioned that I never did VS with my g/f-now-ex so I was still technically a virgin despite being in my 30s, and also brand new to the dating scene.  A lot of women tried to be....aggressive...with me.  To the point that my pants button snapped off and I needed to sew a new one on.  I didn't think I was a big hunk of man-meat but experience has taught me otherwise.

 

Anyways, after a lot of close-calls with losing my V-card, this past September it happened....by accident.  One of the women I was spending time with, I explained my whole situation: how I was nervous about doing *it*, how I wanted *it* to be special, and why *it* was such a huge deal to me.  She got on top of me, told me to calm down, and said we would just try a little bit.  That turned into a minute and what-do-you-know, it was over and I now lost my V card.  I had VS with a woman that I liked, I didn't love, I wasn't IN love with...but merely fucking LIKED.

 

I felt dirty. Ashamed.  I called my bestie and told him *it* happened.  He immediately called me and I explained how it happened.  He told me that I was going to feel disgusting like this and that I should take a hot shower, drink a lot, and I'll feel better the next day.

 

That didn't happen.  Oh, I DRANK alright. I had a glass bottle of flavored vodka, teared up in the shower, and went to bed.  But the next morning, I did *not* feel better in the slightest.  I still felt disgusting.   I felt like there was something wrong with me. 

 

A combination of old catholic guilt, mixed with loss of innocence, lack of impulse control, and that it wasn't with the right person or the right time all coalesced into me feeling overall really bitter about the experience.  I then felt hollow and empty inside.  I ended up having VS with a different woman a couple days later just to get it over with.  This, honestly, was the spiral into junkfood and my downward shitshow that I finally dug myself out of last challenge, meaning that for a solid 2 months I basically binge-ate and felt suicidal because of the junk food I was eating.  Junk food fucks with my brain chemistry just as bad as any other addict with their drug of choice.  Withdrawals, needing it to feel 'normal', and so on.

 

And now onto last week.

 

The two women that I'm currently spending time with: Little and JJ, both want to have sex with me.  I feel so....disgusted by the act.  Part of me wants to be 'normal' and treat VS as nothing special.  It's a need.  People need food.  People need sleep.  People need sex.  I've tried to cheapen sex in my mind and you know what?

 

I fucking can't.

 

I'm not IN love with Little.  I'm not IN love with JJ.  And that means that I don't want to have VS with them.  But I'm getting quasi-pressured into it.  Little tells me that she was rejected in her last relationship and me not having VS with her makes her feel worthless.  I get it: I was rejected for over a decade in my relationship and I don't want her to feel that way.   But at the same time, I shouldn't be GUILTED into having sex with someone.  That's not right either.

 

Example 1:

So the other day, Little is talking about sex again.  She wants to get on top of me.  Ok, fine.  Whatever.  We try for a few minutes.  She tells me that she likes being on the bottom.  We flip and I try being on top for the first time.  It's...awkward.  For one thing, she's uh....how do I put this nicely.....she is "experienced".  Look, she likes getting fisted and her dildo is almost intimidatingly large. I measured myself and I'm right on the dot for the national average.  I got nothing to hide.  But what she uses is *not* average.  She's wanted to get these fantasy dildos that start at the width of a soda bottle.  That's a SMALL on this website.

 

We are having VS and I feel so uncomfortable.  Remember the 4 reasons: 

 

1) I hated myself.  Because I hated myself, part of me didn't feel I *deserved* to have sex.

2) I hated my body.  I was ashamed of how disgustingly fat I was and the thought of me having sex was repulsive for me.  Who in their right mind would want to have sex with me?

3) I was still scared of accidental kid-creation.

4) I want to have sex with someone I'm in love with.

 

She had her tubes tied and can't have kids.  #3 is not a problem.  I'm feeling a bit better about myself overall.  At least I feel better now than I did a couple years ago.  So #1 isn't really an issue.  However #2 and #4 are still there. 

 

As we're screwing, I'm barely feeling anything.  She's just...stretched out.  You know the old phrase 'hotdog down an alleyway'?  Yeah, that.  I'm uncomfortable. So my equipment starts to quit.  Less blood down there means that there's even less sensation, and that means Little isn't enjoying it, and then that makes me feel like shit, which makes me feel uncomfortable even more, which continues the cycle.  She says she's not feeling anything and I say the same.  We stop and I lie down next to her.  I don't know what the fuck to do.

 

Do I love Little?  Yeah.  Am I IN love with her? No.  My body is responding accordingly.  Even if, in the moment, I'm turned on physically.... I'm not turned on emotionally.  I'm not turned on intelligently.  I've gotten into arguments and debates in the past with impassioned speeches and gotten hard from it.  It seriously excites me.  I couldn't be more of a nerd if I tried.

 

Example 2:

On Monday, I took the day off from work.  JJ has the week off from work as well, so we planned on taking a train to go to Boston.  We walk around and see the sights of the Boston Massacre.  I found an Asian store that had lots of DVDs with hilarious butchered English titles and descriptions.  I might have bought a bunch of them as gifts for Krampus Time.  We check out the halls and the trails and the markets.  We get a Mongolian hotpot with some soup and vegetables.  There's a huge Christmas tree that has a light show.  We were texting the night before about what dirty things we wanted to do.  After spending about 8 hours together, we ride the train back home and get to JJ's place.  She has me worship her legs, feet, booty, and then is on my face.  To finish, she gets on top of me and starts riding me.  Again, *it* goes down.  We try slightly different positioning and nothing seems to work.  I just hear the creaking of the bed and I'm not feeling any sensation down there.  I tell her to please get off of me. I go into the bathroom as she's asking me if I'm ok.  I say that I need a minute...

 

I go in the bathroom and fucking cry.  I'm flushing the toilet and running the water from the sink to drown out the faint sobbing.  I'm covering my mouth but I can't stop sniffling.  There I am, sitting on the toilet, naked, trying to muffle myself.  I feel inadequate.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I can't give either of these women what they actually want.

 

My thoughts keep drifting to Lyn.  She said that she wanted me to be happy with someone.  I....can't.  I don't want anyone else.  I'm left with two quasi-relationships with women that don't do *it* for me.  I'm not challenged emotionally or intellectually by Little or JJ.  In fact, if I add up all the women I've talked to from the dating website, none of them COMBINED add up to what I felt with Lyn.

 

There's a part of me that wants to treat VS as an action and get over this.  There's another part of me that feels being wired this way is the correct way.  I'm torn between wanting to be like everyone else, and another part wanting the world to be like me instead.  Part of me thinks that I'm broken.  Part of me thinks that most people are broken and I'm one of the few that is working as intended.

 

I told Little that I was nervous and uncomfortable.  Her response?  "Oh, you don't have to be."

 

That doesn't address ANYTHING.  She doesn't get it.  She fucks people on the first date.  She was going to fuck me on the first date when she grabbed a condom and I almost had a panic attack and told her to stop it.

 

Jesus Christ, I'm such a fucking mess.

 

Being physical, to me, is tied in with emotions.  I don't look at sex as a way to orgasm.  I don't look at sex as a 'thing' that gets done.  It's not a random chore/need. 

 

I look at VS and sex as being IN love.  I need to understand a person.  Then I need to appreciate the person.  I need to respect the person.  And finally, once I understand the good and the bad, appreciate, respect, and look up to the person; THEN AND ONLY THEN do I start to feel really strong emotions.

 

I don't respect Little.  I don't respect JJ.  They're boring.  They're weak.  They aren't interesting.  They aren't smart.  There's nothing about them past being 'nice' and 'attractive' that would make me want to show them off.  I want to be able to brag about the woman I'm with.  Does that make sense?  I want to be able to tell my friends, "My Lady is smart, sexy, interesting, has passion and conviction, artistic, physically strong, honest,..." etc.  I know the person I want.  I know the traits I want.  And I want to flaunt that person.  I need to say, "I am IN love with this person because _______________" and start listing reasons.  I can't do that with any of the women from this shitty website or from school.    Muse? Deanne?  Mandy? Amanda? Elise? Michelle? Lydia? Katie?  Kate? Angela?  Little?  JJ? etc  Any of them good enough?  Any of them worth bragging about besides being 'hot'?  Any of them worth my time and effort?

Image result for nope

 

They're all weak.  Weak hearted.  Weak willed.  Weak physically. Weak mentally. They lack so much.  And because of that, I'm not IN love with any of them.  They're just boring people.  

 

Once I understand, appreciate, and respect the person and start to love them, the final step is physical interaction.  Hot woman walking down the street?  I don't give a shit.

Image result for distracted boyfriend meme blank

 

I don't know anything about her.  She could be a shitty person.  She could be *weak* like all the others.  There's no reason to look.  With that, physical intimacy and sex is supposed to be pleasing the other person.  Sex, to me, isn't a selfish act.  It's a selfless act.  My own goddamn hand could please me.  Big deal.  What makes it important is the EMOTIONAL CONNECTION that takes place. Without the emotional connection, it's just two people looking at each other as a couple of bags of fuck-meat.  I don't look at women like that.  I want to look at a woman that I respect and admire, and therefore I want to make happy.  And in order to make them happy, I want to satisfy them sexually.  I mean, isn't that the POINT?

 

If you watch a movie and a person you just met gets shot and dies, do you care?  If you watch a different movie and see a person grow, develop, triumph over adversity, face a bad person and win, see them experience pain and loss; witness their trials and tribulations, and THEN they get shot and die, do you care THEN?  That's the difference with people hooking up and a loving relationship.  The action of *thrusting* is only that.  There needs to be context, and context is built through the forging of a person's story.  That's what creates worth.  That's emotions.

 

All of the above writing means that I can't sustain staying being...

 

Image result for up movie poster

 

...when it comes to VS because of the self-loathing and the fact that I'm not IN love with the women that I spend time with.  I'm at a loss.

 

What am I supposed to say?  Should I say that they lose respect in my eyes when they fall back on addictions like drinking, smoking, casual sex, and things like that?  Should I say that women being brave and strong gives me a hard-on?  Should I tell them that they aren't good enough for me to be in love with them?  Should I say that maybe I could sustain a boner if the woman actually has some self-respect and works on losing weight?  I love thick women but I want the person I'm with to be HEALTHY.  Should I say that I need the woman that I'm going to be with needs to bring out the best in me; and that means that they need to be their best selves and lead by example?  Should I tell them to BE BETTER because I feel I deserve that?

 

Legitimate question:  Why should I care and respect you if you don't prove that you care and respect yourself?  That's not rhetorical.  When a person says they are a piece of shit, why should you love them?  If they degrade who they are, that is also shitting on *your* opinion of them.

 

If I say a woman is a 9 and she says she's only a 3, that's insulting herself.  It's also insulting me.  It's saying that I have poor taste and judgement.  It's saying that my declaration of a 9 is false.  It's insulting my standards.

 

So here's the deal: big fucking whoop that there have been hundreds of women that have talked to me and sung my praises in the past couple years.  Big whoop that I flirt with younger and more attractive women than me on a regular basis and collect numbers like pokemon.  None of that shit is relevant if none of these women have the potential for greatness that I need in my life.

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The one thing you have the most control over is how you view yourself. Keep working on the self respect and learning how to love yourself. I almost get the impression you are trying to talk yourself out of wasting time with Little and JJ. I don't know much about JJ, but I do know Little is going to feel rejected no matter what you do, part of Borderline Personality Disorder is a crippling fear of abandonment. 

 

Keep working on yourself and stop wasting time with people who don't do it for you.

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2 hours ago, Teros said:

Eating Domino's every night is not better than a grass-fed burger.

If they are eating Domino's every night, they are probably not a vegan. Vegan = no animal products (this usually extends beyond food, aka, no wearing leather, etc). Vegans do not eat eggs, honey, dairy, or any other animal byproduct. Now, a vegetarian might. Some vegetarians may eat little to no eggs and dairy, but lacto-vegetarians eat dairy, and ovo-vegetarians eat eggs, and lacto-ovo-vegetarians eat both. But most people don't bother being that specific, so whether they are lacto-, ovo-, or both, they all just call themselves vegetarians. But vegans eat zero animal byproduct. So if they are getting a pizza from Domino's...it is basically bread and veggies. Which is a thing. It is called a "veganized pizza." 

 

3 hours ago, Teros said:

I did one cough and that was it. Little has a coughing fit every. single. time.  I feel like she should be able to handle the smoke considering she takes a couple hits a day, every day.

You probably didn't get a good hit. The smoke in your lungs is going to make you cough a lot, whether you are new or experienced, and probably more if you are new to smoking. I know people that have smoked for years and they still cough a lot, bong, bowl, or rolled. If you don't get a lot of the smoke in your lungs, you won't cough much, but you also won't get high easily. 

 

3 hours ago, Teros said:

I've heard the same about drinking.  I've tried beer and it's fucking gross.  All of it.  Always.  The same with wine.  I get to hear, 'Oh you just need to have in a bunch and eventually you'll like it."  Why would I force-drink piss-water until I end up liking it?  Heard the same about coffee.  Oh just keep doing shit until it becomes something you like and then you'll end up having it all the time.

The first time I tried beer, it was cheap, and it was nasty. The second time was high quality, imported German beer and I have loved beer ever since. There are so many different kinds of beer out there (both brands and actual styles of beer), so with that one I can kind of see the logic of trying it multiple times. I have tried beers that I will never drink again. I have tried beers that I absolutely love...but they are usually more expensive, so I don't make a habit of it. Wine is kind of the same way. Depending on type, quality, color, age, it can vary so much. But I would say that if you don't have an interest in exploring them, there isn't a reason to do so. As for coffee (aka, the reason I have not killed anyone), it is also pretty similar. There are lots of blends and roasts and and ways of preparing it, and then there is espresso and all the drinks you can make with it. Again, though, there is not really a good reason to try getting into it unless you want to. I got into coffee because I loved the smell growing up (even though I could not stand the taste). When I was 16, my aunt bought me a frappuccino (what I like to call "the gateway drink"). By the time I turned 18, I was drinking black coffee, and by the time I was 19, I could do straight espresso shots. 

 

I don't think people "force" themselves to get high a few times to get to the "regular" high. Some people remember their first highs quite fondly. Some just like to experiment and see what happens. Some are desperate for an escape. Some are "trying to be cool" around their friends. It is just normal to not experience "regular" highs starting out. Or so I am told. I have personally never tried it frequently enough because 1) I get weird reactions that range from somewhat pleasant to ENTIRELY NOT PLEASANT, 2) I am an efficiency/control person and being high goes against that grain 3) Ain't nobody got time or money for that.

 

3 hours ago, Teros said:

I've thought that too.  I've noticed that Little thinks she's having a GREAT time and everyone around her is having a GREAT time, even though nothing is happening.  She said one day when a couple of her friends were over, that her friends were having a blast.  I was there....and her friends were sitting on the couch, in silence.  One of them was writing.  The other was playing with his hands. 

Haha, this is legitimately how stoners have fun. That or they have the weirdest discussions about stuff. Like, it can be really hilarious if you get a circle of them on some weird idea train. They will propose the funniest things. But no, that is their way of having fun. Being high can make people see, experience, feel, and think in different ways. The brain makes weird connections. With strong enough strains, I believe it can even be a mild hallucinogenic. But I think a lot of people use it as a way to escape the stress and emotions of day to day life. Some also use it as a sleep aid or a way to self-medicate for anxiety or PTSD.

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4 hours ago, Teros said:

I don't respect Little.  I don't respect JJ.  They're boring.  They're weak.  They aren't interesting.  They aren't smart.  There's nothing about them past being 'nice' and 'attractive' that would make me want to show them off.  I want to be able to brag about the woman I'm with. 

 

Why are you still with ("with") them? I've been reading along, and honestly, neither seem like people I'd want to be anywhere near in real life. (Especially "Little." She sounds particularly unbearable.)

 

What's the motivation? Is there any way to diminish them in your life? Not only do you actively dislike them, but they seem to be pressuring you into things you don't want to do, which is a huge red flag. 

 

Not to mention they're taking up huge gobs of your time. Time you could be spending on self-improvement, therapy, adventures, classes, groups, or finding a person you actually like being around. 

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2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Keep working on yourself and stop wasting time with people who don't do it for you.

I would repeat this because I think it needs repeating.  #tankisright

 

I was going to ask you this earlier but it actually makes more sense to bring it up now.  You have done a lot of thinking about what you want in a partner.  YOu know the things that you want, the turn on and the turn offs.  I am not an expert on this subject in any way, but based on everything I know, most people who would meet the criteria you have listed would probably be turned off by someone who was spending so much time with other women, and being sexually active with them, especially when you admit you don't really respect them and are not in love with them.  What kind of message are you sending to potential partners?  How are they going to veiw what you are doing and who you are spending your time with as they evaluate whether or not they want to be with you?  Maybe Lyn is different, I don't know.  But it is probably something worth reflecting on.

 

To be clear: I think you are a good person with tons of talents, abilities and so many good qualities that make you attractive, not just to women in a sexual sense but even more generally to employers, residents, even the people here on this forum.  People are drawn to you, not because of how you look but because of who you are - the whole package.  You are not worthless, or anywhere close.  Your individual worth is way higher than you know or imagine, so don't let your lying brain tell you otherwise.

 

To be frank: I think you would be happier and be in a better position to find what you are looking for/become who you want to be if you stop filling up your time with people that are not helping you get where you want to be.  See Tanks comment above again, because I think it is spot on.

 

 

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10 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I almost get the impression you are trying to talk yourself out of wasting time with Little and JJ.

 

I'm on the fence because part of me feels alone, and the other part of me realizes that trying to juggle this in addition with everything else is difficult right now.

 

10 hours ago, StarlordPhoenix said:

If they are eating Domino's every night, they are probably not a vegan. Vegan = no animal products

 

I know that, but when she's high or doesn't care, she gets stuff like mozzarella sticks.  I know there should be no animal products, but she still has them all the time but claims veganism.  This exact same thing happens with Angel, who looks down on people that eat animal products but has no problem eating cake with eggs in it, cheese, ice cream, etc.

 

10 hours ago, StarlordPhoenix said:

You probably didn't get a good hit.

 

I sucked on the bong for about 30 seconds, held it inside, and had 1 loud cough with a plume of smoke coming out of me.  I don't know.  I did the same thing about 5 minutes later.

 

10 hours ago, StarlordPhoenix said:

not really a good reason to try getting into it unless you want to

 

Yeah I don't.  Sort of like all the intimacy above: there is a part of me that wants to be a coffee, pot, beer, wine "person", and part of me that thinks it's just pointless and doesn't want to bother.

 

 

 

10 hours ago, StarlordPhoenix said:

2) I am an efficiency/control person and being high goes against that grain

Image result for deniro you gif

 

Same.

 

10 hours ago, Super Starling! said:

Why are you still with ("with") them? I've been reading along, and honestly, neither seem like people I'd want to be anywhere near in real life. (Especially "Little." She sounds particularly unbearable.)

+

11 hours ago, Super Starling! said:

Not only do you actively dislike them,

 

I think maybe I worded things a bit harsh in my original post.  While I don't take back any of what I've said, the fact of the matter is that I usually enjoy spending time with them, otherwise I would cut them out completely.  The problem is that things are stagnant with who they are, leading me to being bored.

 

For example, I am watching the GhostHunters series with JJ. She has 4 or 5 dvds of this show. So every time I come over, we ask each other 'what do you wanna do.  idk, what do you wanna do?'  until I finally say, 'Let's watch ghosthunters'.  We end up cooking a meal and watching that show.  Once the dvds are finished, we are going to watch all the Star Wars movies in chronological order (and I might write a review of them a la Resident Evil series).

 

I want both of them to give me input and take charge and neither do that.  It becomes frustrating to me.  The reason that *I* don't just take charge all the time is because I don't want the person I'm with to be merely going along with my plan.  I want them to *want* to do something.  I want 50-50 in terms of decisions and responsibilities.  That's not what happens.

 

Example:

Let's say it's a Wednesday night and I go to a Ladyfriend's place.  I ask them what they want to do.  The response from both of them will be, "I don't know".  I might want to go bowling, but I will not make this suggestion because I want them to use their brain and think of something to do.  If I say, 'Let's go bowling' they will say, 'Sure!' and we will do that.  But how much of that is because they want to go bowling, and how much of it is because they are just going along with whatever I say?  I want them to have some sort of desire or initiation to do something.

 

Instead, whenever I pressure either of them into making a decision, it turns into the following options:

 

Little: Smoke weed, drink, sex, watch steven universe/my little pony.

JJ: Eat, watch a dvd.

 

If you asked me what I wanted to do:

Me: Try a new restaurant, find a dollar theater and see a movie, go to an art studio, learn how to paint, go bowling, go to a bookstore, go to one of 3 main malls, play billiards, find an arcade.

 

You know...stuff.

 

The whole trip to Boston: the day, the time, parking at the mall and walking to the station, taking the train, the sightseeing, the shopping, what shops we went into: ALL of it was *my* idea.  JJ just went, 'Sure'.

 

I don't want 'Sure'.  I don't want 'Ok'.  I want excitement.  I want interest.  I want engagement.  I want them to have ideas.  This is what I've meant when I bring up wanting an alpha female.  I don't want a little puppy that follows me along.

 

I mean, this even goes into physical things with JJ.  I've looked her in the eye and said, 'What do you want me to do?' 

 

Nothing.  She doesn't know.  She hesitates.  Doesn't look me in the eye.  Has long pauses and 'uhmmmmm..'  

 

WHAT THE FUCK?  TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.  WHY IS THIS HARD?  You know what *I* want to do?

 

I want to take my cloth belt off, have the woman strip down, get on the bed, and lay on her stomach.  I want to tie her hands behind her back.  I want to put a collar, leash, and blindfold on her.  I want to sit up on the bed and have the woman get over my knees.  I want to spank.  Slap. Scratch.  Hair-pull.  I want to have her get on her knees and blow me.  That's me being in charge as a Master.  You know what else I want?  As a Sub, I want to be collared, leashes, and blindfolded.  I want my hands bound and I want to be slapped around, choked, and have nails dig into my back while I'm going down on a woman.  I don't have to pause.  I don't have to really think deep about this shit.  I already know it.  There's always something.  How the hell can there be pauses?  How can people be so....fucking...BLANK and unsure?

 

That's the crux of all of this: there's no passion or interest in anything.  Neither of them are bad to be around.  None of the women that I spend time with are insufferable or bad people.  The problem is that there's nothing THERE.  There's no way I want to see any of them on a daily basis.  You know what I'm doing when I'm done writing here?  I'm going to make a paper mache giant cupcake as a gift.  I'm going to use a double boiler and I'm going to cover a pack of oreos in milk chocolate so I can give them as gifts.  I'm going to rewrite a bunch of movie synopses and slip those into the chinese dvds that I bought. I'm currently finishing cooking for the week.  I'm doing stuff, Lori.  Thaaangs.

 

 

11 hours ago, Super Starling! said:

they seem to be pressuring you into things you don't want to do, which is a huge red flag. 

 

 JJ said after that incident that she wants me to go at my own pace and speed.  However, unbeknownst to her, that means we will *never* have VS.   As for Little pressuring me, I don't know what to do.  She seems to lack any understanding.  She's told me that she's 'trying to get it', but a body is just a body to her.  Things with both of these women will end eventually.  Both of them have a shelf-life.  It's just a matter of when it becomes more of a hassle than enjoyment.  And I should restate that I *do* enjoy spending time with them overall.

 

11 hours ago, Super Starling! said:

or finding a person you actually like being around. 

 

Yeah....wish me luck with that.  These two are the best options out of the past 300ish women from the website.  There are even more boring people, like Naomi.  There are even more oblivious people, like Angel.  Again, I like being around them; but they aren't what I want at all.  It's like.... you want a steak.  That would make you happy.  And you get some saltine crackers instead.  Well, crackers are better than nothing.  However, crackers aren't even close to a steak.

 

11 hours ago, Super Starling! said:

taking up huge gobs of your time

+

9 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

and are not in love with them.

 

The more I reflect on this, the more that I need to admit:  I'm scared of being alone.  I've felt alone all my life.  I felt alone even when I was in my shitty relationship, as we sat there on opposite sides of the couch in complete silence.  But Lyn?  Lyn was the very very VERY rare case where I didn't feel alone.  And I don't know what I should do.  She is my Gold Standard.  I want a gold medal, but I don't know if I'll ever get one.  However, I can have 2 bronze medals today.  So currently, my thought process is to hold onto the 2 bronze medals until I can 'upgrade' and get a gold medal.  Does that make any sense?

 

After writing about all of this, I've realized that neither of them have any sort of decision-making abilities.  So I'll make it for them.  An ultimatum.

 

I'm going to have Monday evenings after class free, Wednesday evenings free, Thursday after class free, and Sunday mornings free.  Split between them. If they don't like that or they need more time, then just end things with me and be done and over with it.

 

You're all right.  I shouldn't be spending this much time and effort on people that are only bronze medals.  Although I'm terrified of being alone, that year of Project Phoenix where I swore off any sort of dating was when I lost a big chunk of weight and made a ton of beneficial changes.  Ever since I went on that site, I've stagnated or gone backwards.  It's only through sheer motivation and muscling forward that I've been able to get anything done in my life so that should be the same strategy here.  Either follow this direction with me or be left behind.  It's their choice, and indecisiveness is proof of their decision.

 

 

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Teros, I really feel for you. I wish that for you and others in similar situations that there are easy solutions, but we know there are not. It is hard when the relationships we need are not available at times when we might need them the most. It can feel like it might last forever, but that doesn't mean it will. Several people have offered advice and good food for thought and I agree with much of it, so I won't bother repeating that other than to throw in my hat for support. I have some other things to add that you may like to think about as well. Forgive me if any of it is too obvious or presumptuous. 

 

It is sad, but ok that your first time was not what you had hoped and even caused some emotional distress. That is not uncommon. I know this doesn't make the memory better, but know that you are not alone. You are so open and kind on these forums, that if you wanted to you could probably ask for other stories and people could PM you. It doesn't make you (or anyone else) less of a person. None of these things you describe do. They are big speed bumps and learning experiences, and sadly, many of us have to get burned before we learn how to handle fire.

 

Not being physically attracted to people you aren't in love with is not uncommon, either. You sound like you feel alone in this, but this world takes all kinds. (In my case, I am emotionally attracted to one gender, and physically attracted to the other; talk about confusing!) For a healthy relationship, you probably need the right match when it comes to this... in your example, if these women view sex as purely recreational, or even purely biological, and you view it as emotional/spiritual, that is not a good match. For a good match, sex means the same or similar things to all partners, and those other types of people ARE out there. For someone that needs that emotional connection, I would think that being with a person who doesn't might make you vulnerable to further injury. But requiring that emotional/spiritual connection does NOT mean that there is anything wrong with you whatsoever; it doesn't mean that you are a weirdo or that you are destined to be alone. It just means that you can't go boing simply anyone, and that's ok - in my opinion, that's healthy.  And you are far from being alone in feeling this way. 

 

There are reasons why being alone can be scary. Often times the things we need the most are the scariest. In my life, I've noticed that fear itself is an indicator of places I need to sit inside and grow in. You could consider reframing that loneliness as an opportunity that can provide you with the time needed to work on yourself, to meet other people, and to look for healthier relationships. That time is not so much an emptiness, as it is being full of hard work to be done. Not to belittle fear of being alone at all; I myself stayed in an abusive relationship for over a year because I was terrified that this abusive person was the only person in my life who cared for me. I would like to say that I overcame that situation on my own, but I didn't; I wound up making him so angry that he broke up with me. To teach me a lesson. And then he tried to talk me back. Luckily, I wised up in the free time he gave me after a few terrifying days and said no. It took me years to recover from that whole disaster. I have read that you've been in an abusive relationship, too. I'm not you, but on a certain level, I get it. Feeling alone can be scary as fuck. But I believe in you that you can face it down, if you have to do so. Sometimes loneliness is a necessary growing pain. And sometimes being with the wrong person can be so, so much more harmful than being alone, whether that wrong person means to hurt you or not. Just because a person is well-intentioned, it doesn't mean that the relationship isn't abusive to you, and you're the only one who can determine where that line in the sand rests. You're a good person. You deserve to look out for yourself, and you deserve to be treated the way that you want to be treated. 

 

I've been pretty lucky in my relationships. I've fallen in love more than once. And each time, it's been a different kind of "in love" and that "in love" has aged differently as the relationships took their course. Maybe Lyn will work out. Maybe not. That doesn't mean hope is lost. Nobody knows the future, and you still may fall in love with someone else one day. It probably won't be exactly the same, but that is no better or worse; it's just different.  Here's hoping.

 

18 hours ago, Teros said:

 

What am I supposed to say? 

 

 

It's never wise to expect to change a person. You can try to help them along if they want to be hleped, but they are who they are. If you reach the point that you decide these relationships are getting in the way of what you need or want for yourself, it's ok to break up with them; sure, they may be hurt, but it's part of life. It's a rough step. But don't be afraid to take it if that is what you need. You don't need to go into hurtful detail. It's good that you have thought it out enough to know all of the details as to why it's not working, but they don't have to hear it all. You can keep it simple and tell them that it's not a good match for you, or that you need to be in love to have that type of a relationship and you're not, or whatever feels right to you. If you have to do it, you will figure it out.

 

1 hour ago, Teros said:

WHAT THE FUCK?  TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.  WHY IS THIS HARD?  You know what *I* want to do?

 

 

Who knows what their issue is, but one of my best relationships ever was exactly like this when it came to sex, and ironically, it was because they also came from a religiously oppressed background. There was a preacher and church deans in their immediate family. They were sent to a religious school instead of public school. They felt so guilty when they even thought about sex at all that they had NO PREFERENCE, further, they could not even develop any preferences. It doesn't matter what I showed them or what I suggested, or how much time I gave them to think about it. They'd progressed to the point that they realized sex wasn't evil and felt comfortable with the concept of it, but they still could not begin to like anything particular. Once in awhile I was lucky enough to find something they did NOT like, which was a start. It was frustrating for me (especially since I prefer my spouse to take charge), but the relationship was worth the patience. Who knows why they are like that... could be anything. 

 

1 hour ago, Teros said:

The more I reflect on this, the more that I need to admit:  I'm scared of being alone.  I've felt alone all my life.  I felt alone even when I was in my shitty relationship, as we sat there on opposite sides of the couch in complete silence.  But Lyn?  Lyn was the very very VERY rare case where I didn't feel alone.  And I don't know what I should do.  She is my Gold Standard.  I want a gold medal, but I don't know if I'll ever get one.  However, I can have 2 bronze medals today.  So currently, my thought process is to hold onto the 2 bronze medals until I can 'upgrade' and get a gold medal.  Does that make any sense?

 

 

See,  you're figuring things out already! You know what's right for you. You're a warrior. I believe in you. You'll figure it out. You'll get there. 

 

 

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On 12/22/2017 at 12:30 PM, CallunaTook said:

It's never wise to expect to change a person. You can try to help them along if they want to be hleped, but they are who they are

Especially this...

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On 12/22/2017 at 12:30 PM, CallunaTook said:

(In my case, I am emotionally attracted to one gender, and physically attracted to the other; talk about confusing!)

Explain.

 

On 12/22/2017 at 12:30 PM, CallunaTook said:

For a good match, sex means the same or similar things to all partners, and those other types of people ARE out there.

 

Yes, but they are either unavailable or are missing other things that I need in a relationship.

 

It's like this:  VS is the 'final frontier', as in, I can't do that last piece until every other standard is satisfied.  I won't want to do *it* if the person is lacking in something else.  I don't just mean emotional availability: I'm talking about satisfying a list of traits.

 

On 12/22/2017 at 12:30 PM, CallunaTook said:

There are reasons why being alone can be scary. Often times the things we need the most are the scariest. In my life, I've noticed that fear itself is an indicator of places I need to sit inside and grow in.

 

30 years of feeling like that means that I'm honestly TIRED of 'sitting inside'.  Like I stated, I felt alone after my ex and I split.  I felt alone when my ex was still my g/f. I felt alone before I even met my ex.  I felt alone all the way back to when I was age 5 or so.  Only in short bursts did I not feel alone, extremely rarely did I not feel alone for any extended period of time.

 

Whether it's a date, a party, a social mingling, or work and school; I'm always feeling alone.  When someone doesn't understand my joke, or the reference I made, or they talk about something that I've already hashed out, or they talk about something meaningless to me (like sports), or whatever: I feel alone.

 

Alone, to me, isn't just being in the presence of another human being: it's about connecting to that person.  And that's very rare.  There are some PMs that I write that make me feel not alone for a brief period of time.  However if I go on facebook.... UGH.  Scrolling through that banal bullshit makes me loathe humanity.  I'm tired of game trailers, superhero movies, miserable memes, and people talking about trump.  Is that everything most people have to offer?  I need something that stimulates my psyche.  I want a person to make me think.  I want something that challenges me, mentally and emotionally.  And that barely happens during my lifetime.  I'm left bored.  I'm left jaded.  And those are in the same vain as being alone.

 

Tell me about a painting.  Tell me why it matters to you.  Tell me something interesting.  Tell me a story that changed who you are today.  Talk to me about prior drama that has happened in life.  Pose a question about the universe.  Do something related to philosophy and psychology.  Take an opposing viewpoint and dismantle it.  Take an opposing viewpoint and argue *for* it instead of against it.  Just fucking do SOMETHING.  ANYTHING that requires deep thought.

 

I don't get that. It comes in bursts.  I write a PM or I text a bit with someone.  That staves off the feeling.  But alone, to me, is intimately tied in with learning.

 

Learning and love are one in the same.  If I'm not having the edges of my reality being challenged, if no one is ever playing devil's advocate, if there is nothing new to learn; then I feel dead inside.  If I'm not growing stronger, then I'm growing weaker.  If I'm not charging forward, then I'm falling backward. If I'm not challenged constantly, I'm stagnating.

 

Learning and love are what wake me up inside.  It's what makes my heart beat faster.  It's what makes the the dopamine receptors in my brain fire off and stimulate the nucleus accumbens. 

 

Following this train of thought, if I stop learning, I stop loving.  And that creates stagnation.  And boredom.  And loneliness.  Do you see how it's all connected like a huge web in my brain?

Image result for tesla love learning quote

 

Art. Creation. Destruction. Learning. Loving. A constant challenge to push forward.  There is nothing else but capitalizing on the chaos of change.  You say to 'sit and grow' - I'm desperately looking for where else I *can* grow. I know what I want: the problem is that it's simply not there.  I need to be on a trajectory of learning that has no end-point.  I *get* psychology.  I understand learned helplessness.  I understand why people act the way they do.  I understand why I act the way I do.  I understand why people feel certain ways about certain things.  I can reducto ad absurdum into the simplest parts.  It all makes sense to me.  Philosophy:  I *get* philosophy.  I've asked questions about what life really is, how that can relate to biology and chemistry.  I've always been outside the box and played devil's advocate with myself because no one else seems to play it.  I *get* sociology and why culture and the world is the way it is.  The problem isn't that I need to solve it: it's already solved.  The problem is that there aren't enough problems to solve anymore.  Once you solve a rubics cube, what else is left? Jumble it up and solve it again.  That's wasteful.  I solved it once: I understand the pattern of swapping the cubes in rows so now I need something BESIDES the rubic's cube to solve.

 

This works with people: I need to 'solve' a person.

 

Image result for intj i will solve you

 

Little has been 'solved'.  JJ has been 'solved'.  Naomi, Lydia, Leslie, Angela, Barbara, Britt, Ruth, Christina, Deanne, Gloria, Mahgda, Amanda, Jess, Jordana, Talia, Katie1, Katie2, Kate1, Kate2, Kate3 (too many of this name),  Annette, Sheena, Corian, Muse, Vanessa, Pearla, Monroe, Michelle, Megan, Melanie, the list goes fucking on and on and on.  I *get* them.  They've been 'solved'.  I'm bored.  There's no new information to extract or distill from these people from the dating site.  I have nothing else to say about any of them.

 

 

 What I fear, ultimately, with this loneliness, is that I've reached 'the end' and that there isn't a situation or person that piques my interest to the point of obsession. 

 

Let's say you have a bowl of m&ms.  You love m&ms.  They're delicious.  You're obsessed with them.  You eat one.  What's better than one m&m? Two!   You have another. What's better than two? Three!  What's better than three? Four!  And so on.  While in the moment of eating the m&ms, you are happy. They taste good.  It's literally your favorite thing.  But then you eat the last one.  What now?  There's no more m&ms.  The bowl is empty.

 

Apply this to learning for myself.  My fear is there are no more m&ms in existence, and that I've been chasing m&ms and enjoying them in the moment, but realizing that there's nothing past that.

 

What if you loved m&ms and you only got to have them once in a while; but because of a shortage, there were only some packages of m&ms left in the world.  However, you can eat skittles.

 

Ok, fuck skittles.  I don't want skittles.  I want m&ms.  I'm out of m&ms and skittles are not a replacement for m&ms.  Maybe I'll never have m&ms again, and this is heartbreaking because I love them more than anything in the world.  What should I do?

 

1) Wish for m&ms for the rest of my life, constantly searching the outer reaches of the world to finally get some m&ms?

2) Accept that there is an abundance of shitty skittles and have those instead?

 

Remember: I have no idea if there are ANY more m&ms in existence.

 

Also, should I just admit that m&ms mean this much to me?  Does more m&ms really going to make me happy in life, despite always wanting them and enjoying them when I eat them?

 

Ideally, what I need is an endless supply of m&ms.  That's obvious.  Where do I find that, though?

 

Equal all of this to love/learning/partner.

 

On 12/22/2017 at 12:30 PM, CallunaTook said:

It's never wise to expect to change a person. You can try to help them along if they want to be hleped, but they are who they are.

 

Right, which is why I don't bother at all.  I gave up on people changing a long time ago.

 

On 12/22/2017 at 12:30 PM, CallunaTook said:

they still could not begin to like anything particular.

 

And since I can't try to change the person, I'm left with wanting something and not getting it.  Skittles for now.

 

--

December 19th:

 

I had my meeting with my advisor today.  I was supposed to start the art therapy program with making paper mache gingerbread houses.  AngelFace was all about it and we started to discuss it.  AngelFace asks me, "So how are you doing?"

 

Such a loaded question.  I could lie and say that I'm doing fine, but if there's something everyone here should know; it's that I don't do that.

 

I reply, "I'm curious...these supervision meetings....do they include talking about what's going on with me or is it just in regards to the internship?"

 

AngelFace straightens up in her chair and asks me what's going on.  I tell her the above stuff, as well as my prior relationship, bullying, weight problems, purging, burning all my stuff.  An entire synopsis of my life in roughly 30 minutes of nonstop talking.  She started to offer some cliche advise, like having a 'cheat day'.  I countered with my problems with being a perfectionist.  She said I needed to identify my triggers.  I told her, with food being the answer always; *everything* was technically a trigger.  Good day? Celebrate with food.  Bad day? Drown it with food.  Bored? Eat something.  After going back and forth and sort of shooting down her ideas, there was a lull in the conversation.

 

Maybe this was bold to say but I asked, "So....what are your triggers?" 

 

 

Her demeanor changed.  She started listening to the noise downstairs, below her office.  Then she spoke in a hushed tone and told me that certain information was to never leave the office.

 

I could not have been more interested.  She told me about her prior 'situation' and what caused it, as well as saying that no one at work knows about this particular 'situation'.  I have the mother of all dirt on my direct supervisor.  You know, the one that is planning on hiring me.

 

The measure of a man is what he does with power.  Her secret is safe with me.  I like AngelFace even more now.

 

That evening, I bring all my newspaper and cardboard with me to the house.  I talk to some residents and learn about how one was beaten by the cops yesterday.  This sparked a whole discussion on how anti-authority I am.  I ended up making a house with a resident.  I'll have pictures eventually :P

 

December 22nd:

Little's family is pagan and as such, celebrate Yule.  Little wants me there to meet her mom, dad, and younger brother. Gonna be hanging out, hangin out...hangin out with the faaamlay.

 

 

Little wants to drive.  I tell her that I wasn't going to drink and she *was* so it would make more sense for me to be the designated driver.  She agrees and I drive us to her family's place.  It's freezing cold and icy outside.  After a 30 minutes drive, we go into the side door and Little's mom is making latkes.

 

Uh... Her mom has the exact same 'build' as Little.

Image result for steve harvey stare

 

Little told me originally that her mom might not fit into a mermaid blanket thing because 'my mum is fat'.  Looking at her dimensions, her mom has the same curves as Little.  Heavier? Yes. But not by much.  I shake hands with Little's dad, who is like a beanpole and bald.  Her brother comes out of his room and shakes my hand- also a bald beanpole.  After chatting for a few minutes, Little's Momma puts the hotdogs wrapped in crescent rolls in the oven and finishes up the latkes, telling me the reason why they eat *this* on the holidays. We have a pretty relaxed dinner and then head to the living room.  Little's Momma says to get the Yule log.  It's a branch from the previous tree that they burned.  Their tradition is simple:  everyone makes a wish and ties a piece of ribbon on the log.  You go around the room over and over until all the ribbon is used up.  We each made 3 or 4 wishes.  Then the log was thrown into the fireplace and Little read the Yule story; which was a reworded 'Twas The Night Before Christmas' that talked about Goddesses and stuff.  Time for dessert and there were a bunch of good things to try out.  Her dad talked to me about his bass-playing, and her mom spoke about her goddess blog that she runs.  I don't know how they make enough money from this, but hey, whatever works.

 

Little is sitting on the footstool while I'm sitting in the chair.  She leans back so her back is pressed against the armrest.  I instinctively start running my fingers through her hair.  Little's Momma says, 'You keep that up and she's going to fall asleep.'  Everyone had drinks except me and then Little was zoning out and tired.  We left early and drove back to Little's place and fell asleep.  Overall, no drama.  Oh, I ended up getting a gift from her family: Cashews.  Lol.  He mom asked, 'So you don't like smelly stuff!?'  I didn't know what the hell she meant.  Apparently her mom was going to get me some sort of cologne or body spray but Little insisted that I don't wear that.  That's true, I just found it funny how her mom worded it.

 

December 24th/25th:

With me spending Yule with Little, that meant I could spend part of Christmas with JJ.  These next 2 days are were I said, 'anything goes' with food and holy shit did that happen.

 

I went over to JJ's place on Sunday evening, where we ate some sort of ham crescent things.  Then her uncle carpooled and drove us to her family's place.  I met them on Thanksgiving.  I also found out from JJ that on Thanksgiving that they were nervous about meeting me.  The family nervous about meeting ME?  Shouldn't this be the other way around?

 

Anyways, JJ's mom is a chubby Italian woman that forces everyone to eat.  Appetizers were bacon scallops and quahogs and shrimp.  No shrimp for me but I had the other two.  Then a huge cold cut salad which had ham, prescutto, salami, stuffed peppers, and more on it.  We had a bowl of that and then it was time for dinner: spinach and cheese-stuffed shells and sausage/pork/beef in a tomato sauce. 

 

I also had a few khalua drinks with melted chocolate ice cream, and some brandy with eggnog.

 

Then dessert which had apple toffee blondies and carrot cake.

 

When her uncle dropped us off, we were exhausted just from eating.  So the natural thing to do was to eat more.  We had more blondies, khalua, eggnog, and she opened her presents.  I made her a bunch of chocolate-covered double-stuff Oreos, as well as a bag of blue m&ms, and I made her an origami flower.  She had some chocolate candies from when we went to Boston and that was thrown into the eat-a-thon.

 

When I look back, I don't know how I didn't die.

..

..

I had nightmares.  I woke up multiple times and I was having these awful burps like I was going to vomit.  I tried to go to the bathroom and it didn't happen.  I kept spitting in the sink because swallowing my own spit was making me nauseaus.  I didn't know what the hell was going on.  I think maybe I was drunk.  I...don't know.

 

Around 4am, I woke up again.  The following is NSFW.  I don't do spoilers.

 

Jesus H Christ, I was feeling fucking horrendous.  I got up to go to the bathroom.  Again, I was having those weird vurps (vomit burps) and I wasn't able to do any sort of throat swallowing action without having an automatic gagging reflex.  I came close to puking again. And again. And again.  I'm sitting on the toilet and I feel like it's time: I gotta go #2.  Finally.

 

Nothing's happening.  I'm trying and nothing is moving like it's supposed to.  I have to keep spitting in the sink and then grunting while on the porcelain throne.  *It* starts. And stops.  And doesn't move.  I realize after telling this story that I was probably constipated or something.  In the moment though, I'm in a befuddled stupor because of the lack of sleep, nightmares, and near-vomiting. So I do the only thing that *should* happen: I pushed harder. And harder.

 

I spend the next. fucking. HOUR. trying to birth this goddamn baby, all the while spitting in toilet paper because trying to get up during this trail by fire is not happening.  I'm trying everything possible to shit this brick.  I have my palm on the sink countertop and I'm pressing down.  I have my knees higher up.  I'm on my tippy toes.  I'm sweating profusely during this.  My neck actually tenses up so bad that  get a stabbing pain on the right-hand side. 

Image result for knees weak arms are heavy

 

I don't know what I have to do to defeat this behemoth of the bowels and I actually panic.  What happens if I push too hard? Is it possible to tear your ass and bleed to death? Because that feels like what's happening.  I don't have my phone.  I have no entertainment.  There's no way I'm going to start yelling at 4am to wake up JJ and have her look this information up.  I'm rocking back and forth and trying to not make struggling noises.  Then, maybe a Christmas miracle? I don't know.  But somehow all the pain and pushing finally pays off and it's all over now.  I slump back against the toilet.  I have vanquished this foe, thankfully.  It feels like the Hulk ripped my ass apart by the end of this event.  I, miraculously, don't end up puking at all, either.  I try to drink some water and I can tell I won't be able to keep it down.  I try to go back to sleep: not happening.  I'm actually in pain *down there* after it's all over with.

 

It's now Christmas morning and I need to finish wrapping the last of the gifts for my family. I bought a bunch of chinese knock off dvds and wrote new descriptions for them.  I needed to wrap the 8 or so dvds before I went home.  JJ helps and I tell her nothing of the turd titan that I had to fight a couple hours earlier.  I look outside and it's snowing really heavy.  I'm told there are strong winds, too.  I pack up all my stuff and drive home.

 

It's brutal outside.  No plows.  No salting of the roads.  Skidding constantly.  People are on the highway and driving 45 mph even though they should be going 65 mph.  People crashed over to the side of the road.  Just terrible.  I manage to get home fine and it's gift-opening time.

 

But first: food.  Egg quiche thing. Baked french toast. Bagels.  English muffins.  Chocolate.  Eggnog.  And one of my christmas presents was some jerky so I had that as well.  More alcohol.  I have fireball whiskey.  The rest of the day is spent grazing, candy, and pizza.

 

Christmas night, I get more broken sleep.  And more vurps.  And nightmares.  I woke up this morning, thinking that I got out of bed, walked into the hallway, and saw thousands of flies buzzing around.  Then I thought I saw a queen bee on the door that was the size of a baseball.  I started screaming (I don't know if I'm allergic to bee stings so I have a serious fear of bees) and I covered my head with my shirt and started swatting and running away.  Then I snappped awake in a cold sweat, thinking that I was still screaming.  More vurps.  I can't lie back down so I end up sitting in chair and putting a blanket on myself and watching youtube.  I drift off a little bit but snap awake again.

 

The only thing I've had this entire day is water.  I don't want to each anything.  The thought of food, in any capacity, makes me feel ill.  It's about 2pm right now.  I'm going to attempt to have some broth and maybe an apple at some point today.  Thank god I took all this vacation and sick time from work because I'm a serious mess right now.  Whole30 starts back with no exceptions.  I hate Christmas.  I'm looking forward to all the people that make 'new years resolutions' and eat healthy.

 

I also messaged Little and JJ about this whole 48 hours and I put my foot down.  I told them both that I'm not smoking, I'm not drinking, and I'm not eating any junk food no matter what.  Little was acting disappointed.  I don't fucking care.  I'm not caving in with this.

 

The intimacy stuff will be an issue for another time.

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On 12/26/2017 at 12:47 PM, Teros said:

Yes, but they are either unavailable or are missing other things that I need in a relationship.

 

 

So far. 

 

On 12/26/2017 at 12:47 PM, Teros said:

Explain.

 

 

I don't see that there's much to explain about it, but I will PM you.

 

On 12/26/2017 at 12:47 PM, Teros said:

It's like this:  VS is the 'final frontier', as in, I can't do that last piece until every other standard is satisfied.  I won't want to do *it* if the person is lacking in something else.  I don't just mean emotional availability: I'm talking about satisfying a list of traits.

 

 

That's ok. And if others respect you, they will either be fine with it, too, or shop elsewhere.

 

On 12/26/2017 at 12:47 PM, Teros said:

30 years of feeling like that means that I'm honestly TIRED of 'sitting inside'.

 

 

I don't try to solve people; that's not my place. I wasn't trying to solve you. :-)  It was just food for thought, in the case you found it helpful. You know you don't need that, cool. 

 

I feel alone, too; I think it's part of me, not part of everyone else. I feel more alone when I am with others (which is sometimes wearisome, sometimes not) than when I am actually alone (which is what I often prefer to be). For me, it's clear that if I want to not feel alone, I would have to "solve" that part of myself, rather than find the right company. That's just me. 

 

On 12/26/2017 at 12:47 PM, Teros said:

Learning and love are what wake me up inside.  It's what makes my heart beat faster.  It's what makes the dopamine receptors in my brain fire off and stimulate the nucleus accumbens.

 

 

I had this same issue EXCEPT that I applied it to jobs instead of relationships. I required that learning high from my workplace; As soon as a job lost it's shiny, as soon as I mined all I could from it, I'd get bored and find a good excuse to jump ship. I had 40 jobs in under 10 years (usually more than one at a time). It was a thrill. I was smart about my job hopping, so I sustained it for a long time, until I'd done it for so long that employers wised up and temp agencies didn't even want me. But a person has to get by. That's when I got a "career," and told myself I had to stay there for 3 years. (Employers like a steady 3-year employment history, and I figured that would make up for my erratic resume.) During that three years I learned to get my learning highs in ways that were less destructive to me, and many years later I am STILL at that 3 year minimum job (although I admit, I did quit for a while, work for myself, and then go back... my coworkers call it "my sabbatical," ha.). I do still miss job hopping. To me, there is nothing more fun than walking into a shiny job site with a whole set of shiny new skills to learn ASAP. It's like the first day of school. But anywhos... I'll do it again someday, but not now, and not once every 3 months anymore. 

 

With my job as well as my long-term relationships, I now approach it rationally. I am very strict about separating what I need from that job or that person to be content, versus what I'd like to have from that person or job. I need some of the things I like in order to maintain some passion, but not all of the things. There are some needs and wants that don't have to be got from my long-term relationships and jobs, and those I can find elsewhere. My requirements for a longterm job or longterm relationship are completely different from my requirements for a short-term job or short-term relationship. I don't expect my job or my people to be my everything, so I make sure they satisfy the musts, I'm eternally grateful for the extra wants that they also satisfy, and the remaining gaps... I get those elsewhere or do without sometimes if I must.  It took me a long time to learn that. Again, no idea how to solve you... I just know how I solved me. For me, I think it is dangerous and unfair to expect one person or occupation to be my everything, but I suppose plenty of people can get by that way happily.

 

On 12/26/2017 at 12:47 PM, Teros said:

Apply this to learning for myself.  My fear is there are no more m&ms in existence, and that I've been chasing m&ms and enjoying them in the moment, but realizing that there's nothing past that.

 

What if you loved m&ms and you only got to have them once in a while; but because of a shortage, there were only some packages of m&ms left in the world.  However, you can eat skittles.

 

Ok, fuck skittles.  I don't want skittles.  I want m&ms.  I'm out of m&ms and skittles are not a replacement for m&ms.  Maybe I'll never have m&ms again, and this is heartbreaking because I love them more than anything in the world.  What should I do?

 

 

 

Grr. Second time typing this because of magical internet deleting things. Anyhow:

I admit I can't tell if that's rhetorical or not. I can't tell you what you should do, nor can anyone else, because you know yourself best. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer so long as you aren't being destructive to yourself or anyone else. The world is vast, and hopefully you will live a long time yet to come. There are 7 billion people in the world, and every day someone lives and learns we can reshape our brains and our bodies. You will not be the same person next year as you are today, and the same goes for many of the other 7 billion.  This means that there is still room for un-considered opportunities. For example, maybe you have never heard of Kinder Eggs because they are illegal in the US, but someone smuggles one to you and you realize that is what you needed all along; M&Ms are Skittles compared to Kinder Eggs. Or maybe you become diabetic or realize that you are allergic red#40, resulting in M&Ms being bad for you; you give them up for your own good and your new favorite snack becomes cashews. Or maybe you befriend a guild of mimes, and they invite you to their slightly hidden Mime Bar, where they have M&Ms instead of generic Chex mix as bar snacks because the Mime Mafia has a deal with the politicians that allows them to confiscate all M&Ms as they cross the state lines, but now you have found the horde. Ok, so that is RIDICULOUS, but the point is, there is still room for anything to happen. I'm not trying to tell you what you should do, but it's not time to give up hope and throw in the towel yet, either. It sucks that you haven't solved the problem yet, but you will, right? From one INTJ to another... what's one more problem to solve? You got this.

Image result for "bring it on" ninja meme

Image result for "bring it on" ninja

 

 

Regarding your dailies... not much else to say other than I hope you are feeling better by now!   

 

 

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