the wolverine adventure series New Wolverine in town

[NeverThatBored]

I'm so so sorry about Cuxo, Lara. 

 

The MoveNat sounds awesome. I hope you're able to start doing it. 

[Owlet]

I've been turning my water to cold for the last 15 seconds of my shower each day and MAN is it cold. It's still summer here too! I don't know how you do it  D:  

[zenLara]

14 hours ago, Owlet said:

I don't know how you do it  D:  

With a huge amount of suffering? :'D

[Mad Hatter]

On 2/2/2018 at 5:02 PM, zenLara said:

On a different note, I've found this exists relatively near my city:

https://www.entrenamientonatural.com/el-centro/

There's a MovNat instructor there, and they know what things like Animal Flow, GMB, WH, and barefoot running are. I'm thinking I could ask the price for MovNat classes, or maybe combined with Animal Flow, which are the ones I could attend given the schedule they offer. It's at least one hour drive from home, and implies driving in that crazy city, but I would be willing to do so, one because MovNat has been on my list for years, and two because since the WH thing lowered my anxiety levels, driving is not a problem anymore. I mean, I can get stressed sometimes when the traffic is heavy and people seem to be running late to their child birth or something, but I'm much better and I've been driving in the city even on my own without much trouble. So... this could happen.

You should definitely make it happen! At least once to check it out too see whether it's worth it.

[zenLara]

Sluggish week. I've kept on doing the WH thing almost everyday, though. Yesterday was the first day I finally got to enjoy the cold water again. Mood improved immediately after. And the yoga stretches are doing good to my posture and neck strain.

A bit down on self-defence right now, there is absolutely no division in 2 groups, not even for techniques, and there is a lot more of sparring and human box practice now, so it's starting to feel stressful.

Busy -and mildly anxious- preparing for BigGuy lessons this next week.

MovNat gym never answered Will phone them when I come back.

 

Anybody knows why NF doesn't seem to work with Chrome anymore? Posts appear cut and I can't write or edit them anymore, had to switch to Firefox.

[NeverThatBored]

2 hours ago, zenLara said:

Anybody knows why NF doesn't seem to work with Chrome anymore? Posts appear cut and I can't write or edit them anymore, had to switch to Firefox.

That's strange! It's working fine for me in Chrome. 

[Ensi]

Works fine for me, too... If the problem persists, try reinstalling Chrome. Should help!

 

Sounds like you have a lot of small annoyances going on...! Try and practice self-compassion, until it gets a little better And all these little bumps on the road are just challenges! You got this D8<

[zenLara]

53 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

That's strange! It's working fine for me in Chrome. 

 

48 minutes ago, Ensi said:

Works fine for me, too... If the problem persists, try reinstalling Chrome. Should help!

Didn't even think of that, duuuuuumbbbb. It worked, thank you

 

49 minutes ago, Ensi said:

Sounds like you have a lot of small annoyances going on...! Try and practice self-compassion, until it gets a little better And all these little bumps on the road are just challenges! You got this D8<

Thanks! I think most of it is my anxiety piling up because of the trip; it'll be better -or at least more objective- when it is over.

[lucky fire dragon]

21 hours ago, Ensi said:

Sounds like you have a lot of small annoyances going on...! Try and practice self-compassion, until it gets a little better And all these little bumps on the road are just challenges! You got this D8<

 

Seconding

 

You often dealt so well with anxiety already! You can do this and we're all rooting for you. Plus it'll be so worth it, won't it? *hugs*

Plus the loss of Cuxo needs time to mourn as well.

 

Yay to cold showers helping and getting a tiny bit easier? Good idea calling on the MovNat place when you're back. Some places never catch up on their emails I think. Hope you get hold of them.

[Endor]

On 10/02/2018 at 5:49 AM, zenLara said:

I think most of it is my anxiety piling up because of the trip; it'll be better -or at least more objective- when it is over.

Maybe reading back over your commentary from last time might help? You were pretty worried about it last time and then found he was a nice guy, you enjoyed the lessons and the experience helped you a lot. You are already preparing well for it and doing the right things  

[zenLara]

On 11/2/2018 at 10:23 PM, Endor said:

You were pretty worried about it last time and then found he was a nice guy, you enjoyed the lessons and the experience helped you a lot. You are already preparing well for it and doing the right things  

Thank you, Endor. He really is a nice guy, a bit crazy, too  And you're right, I prepared as well as I could and then it wasn't about playing things in the "right way" but about receiving help.

 

And well, lots of thoughts about my travel.

Let's maybe start with the most disturbing ones for me. If you're in any way too sensitive to teeth problems like me, skip the spoiler paragraph.

Spoiler

The night I arrived London, one of my teeth broke in two halves. One half stayed in its place while the other was torn into little pieces. It wasn't quite a shock because unfortunately I've been in this situation before. It doesn't matter how much I care about my teeth, they're always a mess. My last dentist came to the conclusion that it's just bad genetics and that I shouldn't feel bad about it. But I do. It is not nice to see my teeth decay like this.

Anxiety skyrocketed and I had an awful night, but the good side of it is that when I woke up I chose not to be immobilised by anxiety and went for a brisk, long walk. It was quite cold so that helped to clear my mind too. The moment I came back to the hotel my mind had totally shifted and was all about the good things I could extract from the situation. First one, my father had lost all of his teeth when he was 40, and my mother had only the 8 front ones (top and bottom) when she was about the same age (this is one of the reasons my dentist suspects all my problems are hereditary). So I felt thankful that I made it to my forties with all my teeth in place, including all four wisdom teeth. Then I also felt thankful because of the existence of dentists that can fix things like broken teeth and cavities, and thought how my life would have been in those times were there was no solution but to pull teeth out. It's true that I will have to go through a bad moment at the dentist's, since I always feel very anxious about the procedures, but I don't need to be anxious right now or everyday until the day they will do the procedure.

So, I am happy that in the end this turn out to be a moment for appreciation and thankfulness, even in the middle of worry and anxiety.

 

Then, I've thought a lot about Cuxo. I've been having dreams about him, and missing him a lot, and feeling sad about so many things. But to be away from home gave me some better insight on the situation. This past year, I've been working on the idea of the impermanence of feelings. The idea that they come and go helps a lot with anxiety, so this is one of my pillars when it comes to how to experience emotions. Now, the thought came to my mind that these feelings will also disappear, that it will come one day when I won't miss him so badly, and that now is the only moment I have to experience this sadness. I won't probably be having these intense feelings in the future, so I better take the opportunity to go through them now and don't miss them, otherwise I may regret it. Also, what I'm feeling is the result of so many years sharing my life with him and how deeply I cared about him, so I am not running away from my feelings.

This doesn't make me less sad about having lost him, but gives me some peace of mind.

 

Now, about the lessons. As always, there is a mix of feelings about how they went. I feel I've learnt less in terms of technical skills -though he gave me good advice for improving roundness and projection of sound-, but there was a lot about music and feelings. One of the pieces I had chosen was the second movement of the Reinecke's concerto (there is a lovely version of it by Jacot in youtube in case you're interested in the music) which is very beautiful, sad, emotional music, so there was a lot of talking about actual music playing. I had a hard time when playing because the only one thing about my technique he chose to immediately change, right at the beginning of the lesson, made everything much more difficult to play, but I went through the piece as well as I could with the new crippling way of playing. I was glad that he found some good ideas on what I did, though he chose to change many of them. Of course his ideas were way better than mine

If there is one sentence that can sum up the lessons it would be the one he repeated to me over and over: "why didn't you do this the first time?", because after he gave me advice for a phrase I could shape it way better and he liked it a lot, but then he was puzzled that I was not playing like that right from the start, given that I was totally capable. By the third or fourth time he had said that to me my thought was "I couldn't do that the first time because I understand anything about the music I am playing and I need to be told what to do, what a great musician I am". But I knew I was not being fair with myself. And he wasn't trying to be mean at all. Afterwards, I've chosen to look at it like "he's suprised that with such a few indications I could improve my phrasing quickly and in a noticeable way and he would like that I could do this by myself without any help".

It was less easy to think like that when the following day I played one of Mozart's concertos. I love the composer but I never played it well, so I decided to take the challenge and bring that piece to the lesson, which I must say was quite a brave move to have  It wasn't fun. There were plenty, pleeeeeenty of remarks about style, pitch, phrasing... and he said I was telling nothing, that there was no story, no thrill, that I was just playing the notes and adding nothing of value to the score  I don't think he noticed but at that point I was about to cry and I really had to keep all my strength with me to keep on playing. This said, again, he's not mean at all when he says these things, and I appreciate it. I have had many tough teachers and I don't think I could stand one more. He is always kind and says things with a smile and makes jokes to make you laugh while he's saying awful, awful things about your playing. Quite a skilled teacher I would say.

Then, to end the second lesson, he asked me to play again the Reinecke movement, and I did my best to put in place everything he had explained to me the previous day, although I hadn't had any time to practice. And he liked it! He told me it was much better, that I had actually told a story, that I had made the music come alive, that he would actually pay to hear that in a concert, opposite of what he had thought the day before. So that was a good ending for the adventure.

 

Today I am supertired, the coming back was quite a mess with my plane delayed and everything, and I have to work till late in the evening, BUT, I did it!

 

And now that I'm back, get ready for more Wolverine adventures!

[WhiteGhost]

Sounds like the the lessons were very worthwhile!  I'm glad the broken tooth didn't keep you from participating in the lessons

 

2 hours ago, zenLara said:

Thank you, Endor. He really is a nice guy, a bit crazy, too  And you're right, I prepared as well as I could and then it wasn't about playing things in the "right way" but about receiving help.

 

And well, lots of thoughts about my travel.

Let's maybe start with the most disturbing ones for me. If you're in any way too sensitive to teeth problems like me, skip the spoiler paragraph.

  Hide contents

The night I arrived London, one of my teeth broke in two halves. One half stayed in its place while the other was torn into little pieces. It wasn't quite a shock because unfortunately I've been in this situation before. It doesn't matter how much I care about my teeth, they're always a mess. My last dentist came to the conclusion that it's just bad genetics and that I shouldn't feel bad about it. But I do. It is not nice to see my teeth decay like this.

Anxiety skyrocketed and I had an awful night, but the good side of it is that when I woke up I chose not to be immobilised by anxiety and went for a brisk, long walk. It was quite cold so that helped to clear my mind too. The moment I came back to the hotel my mind had totally shifted and was all about the good things I could extract from the situation. First one, my father had lost all of his teeth when he was 40, and my mother had only the 8 front ones (top and bottom) when she was about the same age (this is one of the reasons my dentist suspects all my problems are hereditary). So I felt thankful that I made it to my forties with all my teeth in place, including all four wisdom teeth. Then I also felt thankful because of the existence of dentists that can fix things like broken teeth and cavities, and thought how my life would have been in those times were there was no solution but to pull teeth out. It's true that I will have to go through a bad moment at the dentist's, since I always feel very anxious about the procedures, but I don't need to be anxious right now or everyday until the day they will do the procedure.

So, I am happy that in the end this turn out to be a moment for appreciation and thankfulness, even in the middle of worry and anxiety.

 

Then, I've thought a lot about Cuxo. I've been having dreams about him, and missing him a lot, and feeling sad about so many things. But to be away from home gave me some better insight on the situation. This past year, I've been working on the idea of the impermanence of feelings. The idea that they come and go helps a lot with anxiety, so this is one of my pillars when it comes to how to experience emotions. Now, the thought came to my mind that these feelings will also disappear, that it will come one day when I won't miss him so badly, and that now is the only moment I have to experience this sadness. I won't probably be having these intense feelings in the future, so I better take the opportunity to go through them now and don't miss them, otherwise I may regret it. Also, what I'm feeling is the result of so many years sharing my life with him and how deeply I cared about him, so I am not running away from my feelings.

This doesn't make me less sad about having lost him, but gives me some peace of mind.

 

Now, about the lessons. As always, there is a mix of feelings about how they went. I feel I've learnt less in terms of technical skills -though he gave me good advice for improving roundness and projection of sound-, but there was a lot about music and feelings. One of the pieces I had chosen was the second movement of the Reinecke's concerto (there is a lovely version of it by Jacot in youtube in case you're interested in the music) which is very beautiful, sad, emotional music, so there was a lot of talking about actual music playing. I had a hard time when playing because the only one thing about my technique he chose to immediately change, right at the beginning of the lesson, made everything much more difficult to play, but I went through the piece as well as I could with the new crippling way of playing. I was glad that he found some good ideas on what I did, though he chose to change many of them. Of course his ideas were way better than mine

If there is one sentence that can sum up the lessons it would be the one he repeated to me over and over: "why didn't you do this the first time?", because after he gave me advice for a phrase I could shape it way better and he liked it a lot, but then he was puzzled that I was not playing like that right from the start, given that I was totally capable. By the third or fourth time he had said that to me my thought was "I couldn't do that the first time because I understand anything about the music I am playing and I need to be told what to do, what a great musician I am". But I knew I was not being fair with myself. And he wasn't trying to be mean at all. Afterwards, I've chosen to look at it like "he's suprised that with such a few indications I could improve my phrasing quickly and in a noticeable way and he would like that I could do this by myself without any help".

It was less easy to think like that when the following day I played one of Mozart's concertos. I love the composer but I never played it well, so I decided to take the challenge and bring that piece to the lesson, which I must say was quite a brave move to have  It wasn't fun. There were plenty, pleeeeeenty of remarks about style, pitch, phrasing... and he said I was telling nothing, that there was no story, no thrill, that I was just playing the notes and adding nothing of value to the score  I don't think he noticed but at that point I was about to cry and I really had to keep all my strength with me to keep on playing. This said, again, he's not mean at all when he says these things, and I appreciate it. I have had many tough teachers and I don't think I could stand one more. He is always kind and says things with a smile and makes jokes to make you laugh while he's saying awful, awful things about your playing. Quite a skilled teacher I would say.

Then, to end the second lesson, he asked me to play again the Reinecke movement, and I did my best to put in place everything he had explained to me the previous day, although I hadn't had any time to practice. And he liked it! He told me it was much better, that I had actually told a story, that I had made the music come alive, that he would actually pay to hear that in a concert, opposite of what he had thought the day before. So that was a good ending for the adventure.

 

Today I am supertired, the coming back was quite a mess with my plane delayed and everything, and I have to work till late in the evening, BUT, I did it!

 

And now that I'm back, get ready for more Wolverine adventures!

Oh yeah!

[Owlet]

Well done with the lessons! They sound terrifying yet positive and very beneficial  Looking forward to more wolverine adventures.

[zenLara]

I guess I should set up a challenge... Hmmm...

[zenLara]

18 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Oh yeah!

 

14 hours ago, Owlet said:

Looking forward to more wolverine adventures.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[lucky fire dragon]

wow, you are so wise and brave  There is so much wisdom and courage in all of your post!! Thank you for sharing and 

 

YESSSSSSS we're ready

 

[Endor]

On 15/02/2018 at 12:35 AM, zenLara said:

Then, I've thought a lot about Cuxo. I've been having dreams about him, and missing him a lot, and feeling sad about so many things. But to be away from home gave me some better insight on the situation. This past year, I've been working on the idea of the impermanence of feelings. The idea that they come and go helps a lot with anxiety, so this is one of my pillars when it comes to how to experience emotions. Now, the thought came to my mind that these feelings will also disappear, that it will come one day when I won't miss him so badly, and that now is the only moment I have to experience this sadness. I won't probably be having these intense feelings in the future, so I better take the opportunity to go through them now and don't miss them, otherwise I may regret it. Also, what I'm feeling is the result of so many years sharing my life with him and how deeply I cared about him, so I am not running away from my feelings.

This doesn't make me less sad about having lost him, but gives me some peace of mind.

This is huge. You wouldn't believe how many people have no capability for this level of self-awareness. It's a very healthy way to look at life, this kind of outlook was exactly what helped me when one of my close friends died in my early thirties. Emotions are just emotions and they are there to be experienced, there is beauty even in experiencing sadness. It may not seem it at the time but having these feelings is where the richness in life is, not in being one long steady journey. The ups and downs are what give your life vibrancy. Thank you for reminding me. 

 

 

Sorry to hear about your tooth, reminded me of a Simpsons episode...at least you were surrounded by people who could identify with you

 

 

 

[Endor]

On 15/02/2018 at 12:35 AM, zenLara said:

If there is one sentence that can sum up the lessons it would be the one he repeated to me over and over: "why didn't you do this the first time?", because after he gave me advice for a phrase I could shape it way better and he liked it a lot, but then he was puzzled that I was not playing like that right from the start, given that I was totally capable. By the third or fourth time he had said that to me my thought was "I couldn't do that the first time because I understand anything about the music I am playing and I need to be told what to do, what a great musician I am". But I knew I was not being fair with myself. And he wasn't trying to be mean at all. Afterwards, I've chosen to look at it like "he's suprised that with such a few indications I could improve my phrasing quickly and in a noticeable way and he would like that I could do this by myself without any help".

My take on this would be that he can see that you are capable and he was drumming into you to think carefully about how you are going to play before you start. Repetition is a good way to reinforce, doesn't sound to me like he was being mean  

[zenLara]

18 hours ago, Endor said:

this kind of outlook was exactly what helped me when one of my close friends died in my early thirties.

Sorry to hear that. I have never experienced such a loss so I don't think I can appropriately relate, but as you said, going through all your feelings about the loss is what helps the most.

 

18 hours ago, Endor said:

Sorry to hear about your tooth, reminded me of a Simpsons episode...at least you were surrounded by people who could identify with you

omg, that vid  I had forgotten about that part. I only remembered about this one:

 

18 hours ago, Endor said:

to think carefully about how you are going to play before you start.

It is a bit more complicated than that, but I agree in that he wasn't mean at all. In fact, he was quite funny  but it hurts the same 

[Mad Hatter]

Sorry about your teeth dude, that's rough. Hope dentist fees are not insane where you live!
 

I love your insights about Cuxo's death, that's a very brave and strong way of handling it, even if it hurts. <3

 

Your music lessons sound so intense! It's like he's cramming months of critique (good and bad) into those lessons. The way I interpret it is that you are fully capable of playing the way you want to, physically and creatively, but that your head gets in the way. As for you challenge piece, that was very brave of you! And you knew that it was going to be a struggle to get through, but now you have a whole bunch of concrete things to work on and next time it will be so much more awesome for that.

[zenLara]

5 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Sorry about your teeth dude, that's rough. Hope dentist fees are not insane where you live!

It's not cheap, but affordable.

 

5 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I love your insights about Cuxo's death, that's a very brave and strong way of handling it, even if it hurts. <3

Thank you, those are very kind words.

We visited his grave today, I cried a little bit, but it did me good.

 

5 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

The way I interpret it is that you are fully capable of playing the way you want to, physically and creatively, but that your head gets in the way.

I think it's a mix of this with also a lack of deeper work on some aspects of the score. I'm already journaling about how can I improve my practice so this changes.

 

5 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

As for you challenge piece, that was very brave of you! And you knew that it was going to be a struggle to get through, but now you have a whole bunch of concrete things to work on and next time it will be so much more awesome for that.

I was so scared about that concerto. But yes, I've got plenty of ideas to work on now and I'm planning to play it again next time I book a lesson.