What to do with family members?

[farflight]

Situation: Have made significant health changes/improvements over the years to my health and lifestyle (go me! *patting self on back*). Over the past two years, family has started "expressing concerns" that I "over do it," "am too focused on weight loss," or things of that sort. Personally, I think it's funny as hell that no one really ever said anything to me about my weight when I was 300+. My motivations, goals, and plans have essentially been questioned, scrutinized, and examined under a microscope by several "powerful" members of the family without me ever asking for their input or validation.

 

Question: Have any of y'all had to deal with similar situations? What did you do in those situations?

 

I try really hard not to rage quit the conversations/moments when these things occur. But Thor almighty is it frustrating

[GodzillaKong]

From my experience, these sorts of comments tend to come from a good place, albeit misguided. People tend to see drastic change as possibly something to worry about more than slow change, even if it's for the better, especially if they don't know the details of what you're doing. 

I think a mixture of acknowledgement and reassurance is the best way to go, something like "I understand why you're worried, but really, I've never felt better or happier". Not foolproof, but good enough for most people.

[RisenPhoenix]

"I'm good, thanks."

 

And make it clear from body language that the topic isn't open for discussion.  This won't stop people from making assholes of themselves, but it reduces YOUR mental stress.  Because, ultimately, fuck their opinions, family or not.  YOU are happier, YOU are healthier, YOU can do a bunch of badass stuff that I'm sure two years ago you'd never imagine doing.

 

I suppose if you wanted to be sliiiiiightly nicer, you could counter with "Oh, I had an awesome time doing <Insert activity former you wouldn't dare to do and most people don't try>."  Switches the focus from "You're losing weight!" to "You can do stuff!"  But honestly, only time will get them to shut up.  Once their mental image of you switches from "Fat guy trying to lose weight" to "Active person who does active things" it'll drop off, but I think it took me 3 years or so before that became part of my family's consciousness.

 

It's frustrating.  If you can, find a family member who is similarly active and gripe with them about it.  My aunt got gastic bypass surgery, lost 150 pounds, and starting weight lifting like a badass.  My family thought she had gone off the deep end and that she went over board.  Never mind that she literally had a chunk of her stomach removed, and long before the surgery she was the up-at-dawn-to-workout type and had habits established before things went down.  She and I now compare notes about the ridiculous things the family have told us.  And then our workouts for the week.  It's great.

 

 

[Bean Sidhe]

I totally get where you are coming from. First off. Great job on the changes you have made. That is a huge step and one that deserves recognition. However, not all the recognition is good recognition.

And add to the fact that the holidays are coming up, which at least for me means more family time. Which also means more comments. I get it.

To be brutally honest, I don't have a way to handle the comments. I have a "powerful" family member who will belittle what I am doing. Its hard to take, I am not going to lie, but I also have started just not rising to the discussion and not telling them what I am doing. In my case, they tend to say things like "Oh, sure you walked a 5K, but your knees will never let you run one".

 

What they don't know is I am committed to running one next summer. They don't know that sometimes I am able to pull on their comments and use it as fuel to go a bit farther or longer. Sometimes its hard and it does the opposite, but I try to remember or talk to someone who does support me in this.

I wish I had someone like the cool aunt to compare notes with, but I take it with the salt it is handed to me with, and I try to change the subject or not respond, and then fume about it later to someone who will understand and tell me that what they say or think doesn't matter. Its what I think that matters.
 

I hope this helps, I know it may not be the answer you are looking for.

Good luck

[Raincloak]

I have not managed to find a magic powder that will get family to behave the way I want.

 

One thing that helps me when they start on the critiques is remembering that they are simply reading a script.  (Or running an algorithm / playing a RPG, if you prefer.) Somewhere in the past, we all developed a script that says "Raincloak desperately needs guidance from her relatives, they will provide advice and she will listen and obey." 

 

Even though that script is badly outdated, the relatives are still reading their lines.  They probably have no clue.  But I remind myself that I don't have to play my role in that finished campaign anymore.  I have a new character sheet with new stats now, and it says, "Raincloak is a strong, independent woman who loves her family but does not need their guidance, nor their approval."  With my new sheet, I have options to politely decline criticism, change the subject, simply ignore it, or fire back if I feel like starting a fight (often a bad idea, but there are times when it pays to show your teeth... with my brother, for instance, who despite all injunctions is still reading his teenage script that says "Comic taunting is how I make friends.")

 

I can't write a new script for other people, but I can rewrite mine.  Bracing myself to stick to it at the gathering soon...

[Rostov]

 

This isn't something I've experienced directly, so this is pure speculation...

 

I imagine that some of those kinds of comments that people make are really more about themselves... if other people can be healthier, it follows that they could be too, your success shows up their failure or at least threatens the web of self-justifications and reasons why they're not doing what you're doing. One way to keep the self defence going is to say that the problem is your "obsession", not their relative failure.

 

However... if it's not that, and if people are genuinely concerned, I wonder how they'd respond if you were to ask them what they're afraid of happening - what doing "too much" might do or cause. At route might be reasonably sensible worries, but perhaps more likely they're not particularly sensible or serious worries and asking that might show that up. Or it might provide a way to reassure people. A worry that I've replaced one slightly addictive behaviour (food) with another (exercise) might be a reasonable one... worries about sustainability might be reasonable... fears of not allowing yourself to enjoy life or fears about injury less so, but perhaps people are reassure-able.

 

But I think RisenPhoenix, Bean Sidhe, and Raincloak's points about shutting down or not engaging with these kinds of discussions can also be a very good idea for your own sanity and wellbeing if they're not going to end well.  In my own way I used to acknowledge compliments/signs that people had noticed, but wouldn't engaged or offer any more unless asked.

[Karma Krishok]

On 25/11/2017 at 1:18 AM, Rostov said:

However... if it's not that, and if people are genuinely concerned, I wonder how they'd respond if you were to ask them what they're afraid of happening - what doing "too much" might do or cause. At route might be reasonably sensible worries, but perhaps more likely they're not particularly sensible or serious worries and asking that might show that up. Or it might provide a way to reassure people. A worry that I've replaced one slightly addictive behaviour (food) with another (exercise) might be a reasonable one... worries about sustainability might be reasonable... fears of not allowing yourself to enjoy life or fears about injury less so, but perhaps people are reassure-able.

 

I have done this with my dad. Who first tells me he is concerned about my weight, then says I shouldn't be running. It worked well because his concerns for my knees were relatively easy to counter. I think it's a good strategy for people who are genuinely concerned (& often ignorant about how you approach things so assume the worst).

 

I have a harder time dealing with with well-intended advice on what to eat and do. I'm away from home 50% of my time and it is difficult to create 'habits' of healthy eating and strict exercise regimes. It's a lot easier if you wake up in the same place with your own food. But everyone just keeps providing advice based on their own experience. I think I have settled on a more flexible approach that doesn't include habits, targets or calorie counting. If I feel good & healthy that's enough, if I feel I need to create time for exercise I do it, etc. But that's not easy to communicate as a real strategy for a healthier life ;-).

[farflight]

It is so nice to hear that I'm not the only one with these same family members. Thank you all for the insights.

 

Prior to turkey day, I was over at the folks house, and of course the weightlifting/dieting conversation came up. I took much of the advice/ideas from this thread and played it out in the conversation. 

 

One thing I did extra, I attempted some education. I explained that when I'm at the gym, I am following a program (Stronglifts) so that they knew I wasn't just going into the gym and shooting blindly. Furthermore, I explained how the equipment I use (Squat/Power rack pretty much exclusively) keeps me safe from any major injury (i.e. no bar is going to pin my neck to the floor). Heres hoping the conversations will diminish. 

 

I think the best part is knowing you guys/gals have gone through the same conversations...over...and over...and over again.

[Bean Sidhe]

7 hours ago, farflight said:

It is so nice to hear that I'm not the only one with these same family members. Thank you all for the insights.

 

I think the best part is knowing you guys/gals have gone through the same conversations...over...and over...and over again.

 

*Hugs* Yeah, your not alone. I got reminded this year I should say no. Too bad I was taught that i Was never allowed to say no when someone needed me to do something...

I hope the tips you got here helped. And Education is probably a great idea. I just know for my family, they would tell me to stop trying to show off I was smart.

[farflight]

3 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I just know for my family, they would tell me to stop trying to show off I was smart

This reminds me of something a co-worker said when I was working in a behavioral health center (nut house, mental health hospital, looney bin...whatever you wanna call it...hey quick joke, you know the ONLY difference between patients and staff at a behavioral health hospital is??? Give up??? Staff have keys!)

 

The lesson that co-worker told me (and it applies in my current job with schools), "save the ones you can. If they don't want saving, just do their paperwork and go to lunch."

 

I'm not ready to say my family is a "lost cause" on this front...yet. But I don't break my ascots anymore trying to convince people of things. As in my current job, I lay out the facts, explain them as best as I can, and then leave it alone (which is frustrating sometimes :D)

[Bean Sidhe]

14 hours ago, farflight said:

This reminds me of something a co-worker said when I was working in a behavioral health center (nut house, mental health hospital, looney bin...whatever you wanna call it...hey quick joke, you know the ONLY difference between patients and staff at a behavioral health hospital is??? Give up??? Staff have keys!)

 

The thing is, I can see this as being true.

 

14 hours ago, farflight said:

The lesson that co-worker told me (and it applies in my current job with schools), "save the ones you can. If they don't want saving, just do their paperwork and go to lunch."

 

This is what I try to do, however, I tend to get upset when it feels like I am the only one who cares. At work or at home. Ugh.

 

14 hours ago, farflight said:

I'm not ready to say my family is a "lost cause" on this front...yet. But I don't break my ascots anymore trying to convince people of things. As in my current job, I lay out the facts, explain them as best as I can, and then leave it alone (which is frustrating sometimes :D)

 

See, I don't see them as a lost cause. I am not ready to just give up on them. However, I also don't advertise the fact that I do these things. If they see results, then great. I have seen my mom get a fit bit after I lost weight with one. But then if it doesn't work for her, she just doesn't say anything about it.  Its simpler if it makes sense. If they really start pushing, I answer questions, but generally, I just get more of the "your wrong' attitude and I let them have their say, and I move on

[Snarkyfishguts]

For me, the struggle is recovering from family. I can politely change the subject and shift the focus and it’s all fine. But then I go home and the anger bubble bursts and I have no outlet. Reading this, I find your story inspiring because you are sticking with it and making it work.  Keep at it! Family holidays are almost over and you can focus on your health without the extra hurdles of family's “concerns” 

[james452]

If I was in this situation, I would explain how much better my life is now because I live a fit and healthy lifestyle. I personally enjoy life more when I compete in races that take me to new and different places (plus it's fun to say that I ran on the freeway). 

[Cataleya]

Depends on how snippy you want to get. I usually end the more frustrating convos with, "My doctor loves what I'm doing," even though my doctor has no clue what I'm doing and likely doesn't care so long as there are results and I am doing what she tells me to. There's usually enough respect for doctors that this shuts people up.

[Guest]

everyone in my family is athletic and have done sports, BUT my mum. She's like Yolanda Foster who thinks playing volleyball will turn you butch leasbian and sports abnormally bulky to look more like a man than a lady. 

 

I love my mum, but her lack of support throughout the years had me glad it happened. I was doing sports for myself, not because she would have to force me to. I had to learn fast how to be self disciplined and self driven, not to mention self--efficient. 

 

We bond over art and other mind numbing things I mock, so we're even..

[farflight]

I think I found the best possible response, just going to keep this on my phone:

 

 

Holidays went pretty well, all things considered. Folks have quit asking so many questions since I shared the program I'm following (stronglifts).

 

At the end of the day, I couldn't give a sh!t what others think...I'm doing this crap for me...It's really fun to load up 200+ lbs on a bar and lift it....okay maybe not fun DURING the lifting, but looking at it and say to yourself "yeah...I could pick up a dead body now!"

[Karma Krishok]

On 24/01/2018 at 1:44 AM, farflight said:

 and say to yourself "yeah...I could pick up a dead body now!"

 

I'm sure if you add this in conversations with your family, the questions will stop