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Ensi - The End Of The Map


Ensi

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Sleep was good, but I'm obviously still pretty sick. I had to cancel the coding workshop (booo), but they told me that there will be more of them in the future :) I was so tired that it was pretty easy to just stay in bed all day. Now that I think about it, I have pushed myself super hard lately. I just never seem to know when I've done enough so that I could just chill. I think this is why I'm considering self-employment someday in the future :P But hey, toughening up has totally happened!! Nevertheless, I am going to stay in my comfort zone for now until I'm ready to keep pushing away from it :)

 

I rented Spiderman: Homecoming in the evening from YouTube Movies, and it was OK. It was a kind of a high school comedy, which I really, really dislike (I try to bleach the memories of my own teenage drama from my brain lol), but it was OK :D Then my friend asked me if I could design the cover for a book she and a few other people are working on! She said that they have an idea about it, but no one has the skills to pull it off.

 

83703334-1.jpg

 

It seems like an interesting project, and I'm happy to actually use my art skills for something like that :) I am going to finish one assignment today, and stay at home. I walked to the store to get some necessities, so I can just stay in my Hygge Nest for the day. Tomorrow, I have a meeting with the information systems group and a math class, but yeah. I'm gonna take a couple of days off. Like, really off. :D I hope you're all having a lovely Thursday!

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Continue to feel better! Get good rest.

 

And I wouldn't want that fitness challenge. It looks like a public school nightmare >_> 

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Grey Jedi Ranger

Jedi Goes Beyond: Plus Ultra!

Jedi Battle Log

“That's the key isn't it? To know the darkness will always remain, but how you choose to face it, handle it... that's the important part. To not let it consume. To focus on the good, the things that fill you with wonder. That struggle with the darkness is worth it to see such things.”

- Amren, A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas

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1 hour ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

Continue to feel better! Get good rest.

 

Thanks :) I have done my best to rest today. I took a nap, and even though I still felt somewhat weak, I went for a walk in the evening. I visited the library and chatted with my colleagues, which was very nice! They wished that I would visit them more often - I totally will from now on :D I borrowed a book about how to solve mathematical problems, and also Tim Ferris's 4-Hour Body. I don't know, I get a mental allergic reaction to all sorts of fitness or self-help books these days, but I want some inspiration and new ideas :)

 

1 hour ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

And I wouldn't want that fitness challenge. It looks like a public school nightmare >_> 

 

Uuuurgh the P.E. classes were the worst!! I wish we would have had Captain America teaching us.

 

tumblr_oy6lzoR0RG1sq9grro3_400.gif

 

I wouldn't have skipped classes hahahaa

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Boo on the cold! Hope you get feeling better soon.  Congrats on being asked to design the book cover!

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HUNTER OF ALL THINGS SHINY

Intro Thread    Bodyweight Exercise Library

The Arruvia Conspiracy Challenges: 1, 2, 3, 4, 567, 89, 10 

Other Challenges: 12345, 6, 7, 89, 10, 11, 1213, 14, 15 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28Mardi Gras [Current]

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3 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Boo on the cold! Hope you get feeling better soon.  Congrats on being asked to design the book cover!

 

Thank you so much! :) I'm afraid it's not only cold, but exhaustion: I feel like I'm not generating energy, in a way. Sigh. The machine was overloaded for too long - now I just need to let it cool down, and it will restart at some point. This really makes me think that as much progress as I've done with my mental health, I still need to learn how to manage my stress levels better...! Sure, it's a turbulent phase in my life and I went through some mental torment when I started the job, but burning out like this every few months can't be good for my health :D

 

This brings me to the ultimate reasons most of my plans fail: I don't plan enough fun. Which is good news, because it means that I need to include more fun times in my plans. How dull! :P It has been a bit of a weird year with rules because of the ED recovery, though, and I've been slightly loss in the grey area between "rules" and "no rules", in a way. But I think I have a solution: instead of repelling all the rules created by other people, I'm gonna create my own. And I'm going to use accountability  (aka co-op mode) to get myself started!

 

tumblr_oup1t8KFwE1ukulhzo2_r1_500.gif

 

My issue is that because I don't plan for treats, I'm constantly munching on something sweet. I have this idea that I'm going for a constant performance every day, when some chaos could actually be better. I don't like the idea of completely eliminating anything from my diet, because I think both the body and mind need some shaking up and surprises every now and then. So, I'd like to have two days a week when I can eat treats more freely, if I wish. A whole slice of cake, if I want, or just chocolate. During other days, I eat proper meals. In the future, I could develop towards having just one day a week, but let's start easy, OK?

 

The accountability, then? I'm gonna post a picture of all the sweets I eat outside the treat days. This works, because it would make eating treats more troublesome, AND I don't want to flood the thread with pictures of sweets :D I trust you all to roast me if I fail. (Or gently tell me that it's OK and that I'm gonna kick more ass from now on, because that's what usually happens here on NF. It's also the reason I keep coming back haha)

 

All in all, I'd like to just forgive myself for all the things that have been going on lately, and have a fresh start. Yeah, that's it: a fresh start.

 

So, let's hit the restart button!

 

tumblr_n0cz53p3fY1snfkcvo7_250.gif

 

tumblr_n0cz53p3fY1snfkcvo8_250.gif

 

goddamnit

 

Nah, it worked :D Today, I need to half-ass an essay (the deadline is in three and a half hours), and attend a meeting and my math class. Hold my beer!

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2 hours ago, Sphinx222 said:

You are so right about planning for fun, when one has lost the ability to go in fun mode on a  whim and everyday, it's the necessary step (a bit like eating healthy).

Have a great fresh start !

 

True! I've had a lot of changes this autumn, so I lost the fun factor for some time :D Fun Factor should totally be a thing... Anyway, starting this Pirate/Viking game was one step towards having fun again. And thank you, the fresh start is going well, so far!

 

I wrote the essay and attended both the group meeting and the math class. Hooray! I always feel super weird during my math classes: we work in groups, and now there was only one other person in my group who had even tried to do the assignments, so the two of us were basically discussing the solutions while the rest of the group just observed. x__x I need to practice, though, and I'm gonna take some study tips from the book I borrowed last night :) I'd like to get to know other students better, but the class is like 98% guys who know each other, and I'm pretty shy. Everyone listens to me, though, and the other guy walked me out and talked with me about the course material... I don't know. I'll see what I can come up with!

 

I read the 4-Hour Body book a bit further, and the diet is basically "eat only lean meats, beans and greens during the week, and one day a week you can eat whatever you want!! Drink a gallon of beer if you want!!!" and I went like

 

oh-shi.gif

(the badger mode: for dramatic exits)

 

OK I get it: NO ONE'S MAKING ME DO IT :D some might want to try out a programme like that, but it's obviously not for me - everything's cool!! But yeah, I noticed that reading a book like that with titles like "Am I allowed to have salt and pepper with my meals?" made me super triggered AND bored so I just took out the math problem solving book I borrowed and kept reading it, instead.

 

Accountability has worked wonders today :) It's pretty easy, like "sure, have as much chocolate as you want - just post a picture on NF!" and I'm just too lazy for that T__T I'm happy to make just this one little change - having a free eating day or two every week - because it addresses many issues. One: I won't be snacking on sweets all the time. Two: I sometimes manage to lose some weight, but then I'm hit with ravenous hunger, and I eat until I gain it all back. Having a planed "re-feed" day should help with this in the long run! Three: instead of sweets, I now pick proper foods. All in all, a good change, and a very small one :D

 

My energy levels have been slightly better today, and I'm ready for the weekend :) Have yourselves a good Friday!

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18 hours ago, Ensi said:

sure, have as much chocolate as you want - just post a picture on NF!

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I hope you're fully recovered by now.

I used to function on that type of streaks where I would consume all my energy and afterwards be sick for a while, because I pushed my body (and mind) too much. Learning to handle those periods better, and including the Fun Factor, definitely made a different in my life as a whole.

 

18 hours ago, Ensi said:

oh-shi.gif

Poor thing :lol: Made me think of the perkele bear you posted a while ago. That bear got REALLY scared :D

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The Wolverine - Level 5 // BER  6.5 // HEA  4 // STR  4.4 // STA  3 // DEX  4 // CON  4 // WIS  4.75 // CHA  1

He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty.

Adventures don't start until you get into the forest.

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1 hour ago, zenLara said:

 

Poor thing :lol: Made me think of the perkele bear you posted a while ago. That bear got REALLY scared :D

 

:DD I love how the bear's paws go when it gets scared!! (warning for those wearing headphones: the Perkele is really loud in this video)

 

1 hour ago, zenLara said:

I hope you're fully recovered by now.

I used to function on that type of streaks where I would consume all my energy and afterwards be sick for a while, because I pushed my body (and mind) too much. Learning to handle those periods better, and including the Fun Factor, definitely made a different in my life as a whole.

 

Haha I'm afraid I woke up this morning wondering exactly how many trucks drove over me during the night...! :D I start to feel better when I get up, but I'm still somewhat weak. I just feel so silly letting myself get this tired - and then Mom said that "your brother goes to work at 6 AM every morning" which made me feel like a crybaby :D To my defense: my brother is used to it by now. And I was so nervous a couple of weeks ago that I couldn't sleep properly before my alarm went off at 4:30 AM, and then I went to work and did physically hard work for 8 hours straight while worrying about not doing a good job - and the same thing happened the next day. All this while recovering from depression, dealing with a heart-ache, finishing my thesis, having courses with a lot of assignments, and just adjusting to my new reality. What can I say?? I'm sensitive!! :D All I can do is be kind to myself. I'm the only one who really knows how I experience things, so I don't need anyone's approval to feel the way I do.

 

I'm just trying to take this all as practice, though, and my mood is good! I now know what it's like to get up for work at 4:30 AM, and what's it like to have a boss that doesn't want to suck my soul dry lol. I'm thinking of skipping the laundry for now, though, since I have some studies left, and I got asked to design the book cover (maybe I should just kick-start my illustrator career and make some extra money that way). I would have stopped the laundry work in a bit more than a week, anyway, so I'm just gonna call it quits and get back to it next year :)

 

I did some yoga in the evening, which felt really good, and sleep was OK (despite the trucks). The accountability works, and I even skipped buying some sweetened dairy products while doing my groceries. All in all, I somehow feel like I'm getting back in touch with my body's feelings, and I'm more mindful while I eat. I borrowed the book about eating disorder recovery I read this summer, and it's very reassuring and helpful. The 4-Hour Body reminded me of the times I was constantly looking for the "right diet" and how dreadful it was. It was so difficult!! I can't believe I spent years in that mindset. It makes me cry to think just how much better and warmer things are now. Like, it's OK that things have been stressful and hard for the past few weeks, because at least I'm not in war with myself all the time, and I allow other people to help me. There are still things I struggle with, but I'm trying to be patient with myself - I can't repair everything at once :P

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31 minutes ago, Ensi said:

:DD I love how the bear's paws go when it gets scared!! (warning for those wearing headphones: the Perkele is really loud in this video)

I loved the first seconds of that video. My boyfriend and I spent a while watching it again and again :lol:

 

33 minutes ago, Ensi said:

and then Mom said that "your brother goes to work at 6 AM every morning"

That comment feels a bit unfair to me... As you say below, nobody can know how you experience things...

The Wolverine - Level 5 // BER  6.5 // HEA  4 // STR  4.4 // STA  3 // DEX  4 // CON  4 // WIS  4.75 // CHA  1

He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty.

Adventures don't start until you get into the forest.

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9 minutes ago, zenLara said:

 

That comment feels a bit unfair to me... As you say below, nobody can know how you experience things...

 

I truly believe that Mom meant well with it, she just tried to encourage me :) But I do feel like I'm too sensitive and weak compared to everyone else, so of course my anxiety latched onto that like "SEE!! SEE!! EVICENCCCCCE" like the shitties lawyer in the universe :D Out of context, it was unfair, but if we put it in context, we can see that Loki is holding the Tessaract in the Infinity War trailer because at the end of Thor: Ragnarök (spoilers:) 

Spoiler

he probably stole it before putting the Crown of Surtur in the Eternal Flame. I mean, he totally stopped to eye it for a moment, and it would make sense: Asgård was totally destroyed, so it would be logical to assume that Loki has it because he stole it, even if he did it off-screen.

 

Wait, no, that wasn't my point.

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6 minutes ago, Ensi said:

we can see that Loki is holding the Tessaract in the Infinity War trailer because at the end of Thor: Ragnarök 

I love how in NF a conversation about life can end with a sentence like this one :D

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The Wolverine - Level 5 // BER  6.5 // HEA  4 // STR  4.4 // STA  3 // DEX  4 // CON  4 // WIS  4.75 // CHA  1

He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty.

Adventures don't start until you get into the forest.

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2 minutes ago, zenLara said:

I love how in NF a conversation about life can end with a sentence like this one :D

 

This place has made me write sentences I never thought I would, and which I would never, ever write anywhere else. It's beautiful, in a way.

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29 minutes ago, Ensi said:

Out of context, it was unfair, but if we put it in context, we can see that Loki is holding the Tessaract in the Infinity War trailer because at the end of Thor: Ragnarök

Perfect segue :D 

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HUNTER OF ALL THINGS SHINY

Intro Thread    Bodyweight Exercise Library

The Arruvia Conspiracy Challenges: 1, 2, 3, 4, 567, 89, 10 

Other Challenges: 12345, 6, 7, 89, 10, 11, 1213, 14, 15 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28Mardi Gras [Current]

Level 2 Ninja

Strength: 13 Intelligence: 14 Wisdom: 6 Dexterity:14 Constitution: 12 Charisma: 11

 

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4 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Perfect segue :D 

 

Steer the conversation away from the pain of existence with pop culture references? We got it!! :DD

 

HAha yay I put on my big girl pants and toughened up!! But first I kinda called Mom and cried for an hour because life's hard.

 

 

 

I always love to let ze Parents know that the time and money they have invested has resulted in a balanced, successful human being!! (just joking, I know they love me and I'm doing fine) Anyways, crying + whining helped to get myself out of my head, and I realized that everything's fine. I had some protein chocolate pudding for evening snack, and now I'm just doing some stretching and whatevers. It's lovely to spend Saturday evening at home <3

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Woke up today, and it felt like no trucks drove over me during the night. More like a fat cat maybe slept on me for a while :D I did some things, and later on I felt somewhat restless. I realized, that I really, really wanted to get some exercise! I did a 30-minute workout, mostly listening to my body and doing whatever felt good (shadow boxing and fighting invisible enemies with kicks, mostly), but I also did beginner shrimp squats and push-ups (4 - 4 - 4 both). All in all, I think I'm starting to get better :) Talking with Mom helped me to gain some perspective. I think that during the past couple of weeks, I've been really critical of myself, and I've numbed down the pressure by spending way too much time online (that seems to be a coping mechanism for me) and still trying to do everything perfectly. I've spent some time challenging the perfectionism thoughts today, and I'm doing a lot better. I need to keep working with the diary and keep those positive affirmations going! I also relaxed today by cooking and watching South Park episodes :D

 

t4C3ZBv.jpg

 

A weird thing happened with the cold shower this morning after exercising...! I haven't had long cold showers this week (just quick ones), because I haven't been well. I started with lukewarm water, and slowly turned it colder. Finally I went, "Alright, f**k me up!" (#toughenup) and turned the water extra cold - and my body didn't go to shock. It didn't feel nowhere near as intense, but I'm sure the water was just as cold as usually! I stayed under the water for three minutes and felt OK o__o Could this be because I had just worked out?

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1 hour ago, Ensi said:

shadow boxing and fighting invisible enemies

You see, I have trouble with this. I'm fine when we practice shadow for techniques, but when it's about to imagine an actual fight I get lost. Any advice?

 

1 hour ago, Ensi said:

I've numbed down the pressure by spending way too much time online

Aaaaah, so I guess gif wars will be over now.

Resultado de imagen de wolverine wink gif

 

2 hours ago, Ensi said:

I stayed under the water for three minutes and felt OK

You are certainly toughening up! :iconpyrodanceplz:

The Wolverine - Level 5 // BER  6.5 // HEA  4 // STR  4.4 // STA  3 // DEX  4 // CON  4 // WIS  4.75 // CHA  1

He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty.

Adventures don't start until you get into the forest.

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42 minutes ago, zenLara said:

You see, I have trouble with this. I'm fine when we practice shadow for techniques, but when it's about to imagine an actual fight I get lost. Any advice?

 

Hmm don't think about it too much? Sometimes I just put some music in the background and throw punches to the beat. Mr Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra is my fav for this :D It has slower moments, and then faster ones. For me, it's kinda like dancing. But with fists. Beating up imaginary enemies. Good times! BUT I'd love to help you better. Is it difficult for you to imagine an opponent? Like what they're doing? my opponents are just getting their asses kicked

 

42 minutes ago, zenLara said:

 

Aaaaah, so I guess gif wars will be over now.

Resultado de imagen de wolverine wink gif

 

giphy.gif

I will hit you when you least expect it

 

42 minutes ago, zenLara said:

You are certainly toughening up! :iconpyrodanceplz:

 

Hahahahahaaa I was slightly worried that I had hit a whole new level of stress and my body had stopped responding to pain :DDD I felt like that dog in that one gif.

 

tumblr_m6ej4iBCev1ra0xm8o1_400.gif

 

dog.exe has crashed

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14 minutes ago, Ensi said:

Is it difficult for you to imagine an opponent? Like what they're doing?

I am supposed to imagine what they are doing, because my response depends on that. But it seems my imagination is slow, so everybody is there throwing themselves to the floor and breaking bones with their elbows, while I am still checking my guard and thinking which height and size would these opponents be.

I also feel too self-conscious, I guess.

 

14 minutes ago, Ensi said:

giphy.gif

Imagen relacionada

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The Wolverine - Level 5 // BER  6.5 // HEA  4 // STR  4.4 // STA  3 // DEX  4 // CON  4 // WIS  4.75 // CHA  1

He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty.

Adventures don't start until you get into the forest.

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4 minutes ago, zenLara said:

I am supposed to imagine what they are doing, because my response depends on that. But it seems my imagination is slow, so everybody is there throwing themselves to the floor and breaking bones with their elbows, while I am still checking my guard and thinking which height and size would these opponents be.

I also feel too self-conscious, I guess.

 

Could you just have a default opponent you could create in advance, and always fight against them? That way you wouldn't have to imagine their height, size or whatnot. Maybe pick characters from action movies? I guess my imagination is a bit too good :D When I do my warm-up, I'm not just running in place in my apartment, but I'm totally imagining that I'm in an action scene in a movie. I actually play scenes in my head and just act accordingly!! Sometimes I throw kicks and punches there and then keep running. I did boxing for a few years, so I still have an idea in my head about what it's like to actually take contact with someone else, so I can draw from those experiences, too. I'd love to go back to the boxing gym one day!

 

14 minutes ago, zenLara said:

 

Imagen relacionada

 

tumblr_m71hfnoAYY1qg462ao4_500.gif

 

 

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38 minutes ago, Ensi said:

tumblr_m71hfnoAYY1qg462ao4_500.gif

Resultado de imagen de wolverine crying gif

 

 

WHAT was that video? :blink::blink:

 

 

The Wolverine - Level 5 // BER  6.5 // HEA  4 // STR  4.4 // STA  3 // DEX  4 // CON  4 // WIS  4.75 // CHA  1

He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty.

Adventures don't start until you get into the forest.

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39 minutes ago, Ensi said:

Could you just have a default opponent you could create in advance, and always fight against them?

This is a very good idea, in fact. Only I don't need only one, because what I do is street fight, so I'm supposed to face several opponents at once. But I'll think of it. 

 

40 minutes ago, Ensi said:

Maybe pick characters from action movies?

I guess I could find some I'd actually like to punch... 

Resultado de imagen de anakin skywalker repellent gif

 

 

The Wolverine - Level 5 // BER  6.5 // HEA  4 // STR  4.4 // STA  3 // DEX  4 // CON  4 // WIS  4.75 // CHA  1

He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty.

Adventures don't start until you get into the forest.

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8 minutes ago, Ensi said:

tumblr_static_tumblr_static__640.gif

Resultado de imagen de start over wolverine gif

  • Haha 1

The Wolverine - Level 5 // BER  6.5 // HEA  4 // STR  4.4 // STA  3 // DEX  4 // CON  4 // WIS  4.75 // CHA  1

He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty.

Adventures don't start until you get into the forest.

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