Darkness of the Mind

[Redbeard the Viking]

 

It's been awhile since I've posted here, and of course I haven't done much to change my physique or anything else for that matter.

 

But, that is ok, I forgive myself that I have severely slacked in my training both physically and mentally. 

I suffer from depression and anxiety, and due to that I have hardly any motivation to do much of anything save what I barely have to do scrape by to live. So, daily I'll do a post about what I've accomplished for the day and I'll try to share my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy homeworks for the day with you all.

 

Today, I've managed to get through half of the Nerd Fitness Body Weight Workout, and that's sad because I used to to the full workout almost double what I'm doing now. I will get back to that and surpass my old accomplishments! I've read in numerous places exercise and proper diet also help with my mental issues, so I'm definitely game to do whatever it is I can to make myself better not only for me, but for my family as well.

 

Stay tuned to topic updates and quest adds!

 

Edit:
 

Redbeard's Quest for Viking Body, Druid Mind!

1. Perform the Nerd Fitness Body Weight Workout at least 3-4 times per week.
2. Do your daily CBT homework assigned by your therapist!
3. Take time out to work on something spiritual for at least five minutes per day, ie meditation, studying Runes, Tarot etc or working on blót for Jul.
4. Take time to read to Brann, my son :D, per day.

 

I am very bad about overloading myself and then beating myself up about what I didn't accomplish. So, I'm going to take baby steps to start these four weeks off. Let's mosey.

 

[FatboySuave]

3 hours ago, theritram said:

I forgive myself

 

Man, this is so key right here! It looks like we may be going through some similar struggles. I recently started addressing my own depression and anxiety. Have you come up with quests yet? Following!

[Redbeard the Viking]

5 hours ago, Rey of Light said:

 
Man, this is so key right here! It looks like we may be going through some similar struggles. I recently started addressing my own depression and anxiety. Have you come up with quests yet? Following!

I haven't made them yet, but tonight I hope to have at least a few to accomplish these four weeks.

On my Facebook page I record myself saying some CBT work my therapist suggested every day and I post it. It makes me feel better projecting to the whole world, and you're precisely the reason why. I feel alone a lot of times, and I make the videos for those to see they're not alone in feeling this way.

 

[Murphy's Roommate]

Redbeard!  Awesome name!

 

I wish I had a beard...  Sigh.

 

The past is in the rear view mirror - can't keep your eyes on the road if you're staring in the rear view mirror.

 

Tuned in and standing by.

 

 - Murphy's Roommate

[Redbeard the Viking]

19 minutes ago, Murphy's Roommate said:

Redbeard!  Awesome name!

 

I wish I had a beard...  Sigh.

 

The past is in the rear view mirror - can't keep your eyes on the road if you're staring in the rear view mirror.

 

Tuned in and standing by.

 

 - Murphy's Roommate

I used to think I couldn't grow one either, but I listened to Amon Amarth and grew a full beard! Haha, all I did really was just let it grow and it came in on its own really without much trouble.

Thank you for the quote, ironically enough that's where I put my phone when I do my daily videos is my rear view. That's really the safest place I think... /sarcasm

Thanks for stopping by and the support everyone!

[Murphy's Roommate]

I can grow a beard, work requires I have a smooth baby face.  Sigh.  Another 6 and change years, give or take a few, and then I can embrace my facial hair!  It will be mostly white by then, but it will be a beard a Viking could be proud of!  Ha!

 

One team one fight - no worries!

 

 - Murphy's Roommate

[JessOfAllTrades]

Forgiving one's self seems to be a popular thing among us druids. Following!

[Redbeard the Viking]

I can grow a beard, work requires I have a smooth baby face.  Sigh.  Another 6 and change years, give or take a few, and then I can embrace my facial hair!  It will be mostly white by then, but it will be a beard a Viking could be proud of!  Ha!
 
One team one fight - no worries!
 
 - Murphy's Roommate

I'm sorry to hear your job requires shaving. I'm lucky to be able to keep mine, especially where I work.

[FatboySuave]

15 hours ago, Redbeard the Viking said:

On my Facebook page I record myself saying some CBT work my therapist suggested every day and I post it.

 

I've talked to my therapist about CBT and EFT. We may also try out some meditation during sessions. We haven't quite gotten to the "homework" phase yet. That's cool that you're so open with what you're going through. A friend of mine on Facebook often posted a lot about her depression, which was part of the reason that I was spurred to seek help. At times I feel like I'm ready to be more open about my own depression, to reduce the stigma and all, but I haven't quite gotten there yet.

 

13 hours ago, Murphy's Roommate said:

I can grow a beard, work requires I have a smooth baby face.  Sigh.  Another 6 and change years, give or take a few, and then I can embrace my facial hair!  It will be mostly white by then, but it will be a beard a Viking could be proud of!  Ha!

 

I'm jealous, my facial hair isn't quite thick enough to ever really grow into a full on beard, lol

[Laghail]

Following for the anxiety / depression battle. This stuff is real.

[Redbeard the Viking]

Thanks everyone for all the positive responses!
 

Please follow the link at the bottom named Redbeard the Viking for my CBT homeworks daily and vlogger entry for the day. I usually post them in the morning or at night when I get off work at my first job.

 

So far this week I have two workouts down. I can't do as many repetitions as I used to be able to, but I can still do some and that's better than none.

 

As for my spiritual practices, after I finish this a mate is coming over and the three of us, my fiancee, our mate and myself are going to plan our Jul blot, which I'm excited for.

I didn't have time to read to my son earlier, but we did watch Ponyo together before he went to bed with subtitles on.

This is  a work in progress you guys, and I appreciate all the positive responses. I'll work on a new introductory post again about myself sometime tonight and get it in the original post as soon as possible.

 

Something to leave for you all, this is one my daily mantras: 
 

Just for today, I will be grateful.
Just for today, I will not anger.
Just for today, I will not worry.
Just for today, I will do my work honestly.
Just for today, I will respect all life. (taken from C. Peznack Magick of Reiki.)

[Redbeard the Viking]

Forgiving one's self seems to be a popular thing among us druids. Following!

Thanks for the follow!

[FatboySuave]

I just checked out your latest vlog, good stuff! I especially like the fact that you forgave yourself for eating pizza. I need to learn how to do that sometimes, lol.

[Redbeard the Viking]

I just checked out your latest vlog, good stuff! I especially like the fact that you forgave yourself for eating pizza. I need to learn how to do that sometimes, lol.

Thanks man, unfortunately it's something I forgive myself to often for.

[FatboySuave]

@Redbeard the Viking, same. One forgiven meal leads to another, leads to another, and another, lol.

[Redbeard the Viking]

@Rey of Light, that's precisely my problem, mate.

 

Well this week is officially over, well almost over, and I have only been able to achieve some of the goals I set for myself. But you know what, that's ok. It's ok I didn't go above and beyond this first week. There's next week to try even harder to achieve my goals.

This week my diet hasn't been the best, I managed to only exercise twice, I didn't take time out to read to my son, but I did play with him more this week and whatnot and I did finish the Jul blot outline for the ritual. 

I think what I have mostly accomplished this week is it's ok to slip up, but what we do to ourselves after aforementioned slip up is what matters. For example, I had pizza for dinner one night, and instead of doing the same later in the week, I should have persevered and pressed on to try harder not to. Such is life, and like I said that's ok, there's always next week, isn't there?

Keep it groovy, you guys, I'll see you tomorrow. I haven't forgotten about the introduction, just give me a little time!

Follow and Like me on Facebook for my daily affirmation videos and vlogs!

[Redbeard the Viking]

Well, it’s Tiwsdæg and I could only get through one set of the workout without feeling nauseous this morning. Gods bless, I do forgive myself for failing in doing that, but at the same time I’m aggravated and upset. I’ll attempt this again later today. I did however increase the weight by ten and I also increased the amount of push-ups I do as well, so there’s that to be proud of.

 I also took time out this morning to reflect on the Rune of the day, “Rad” in Anglo-Saxon Futhorc or “Raidho” in Elder Futhark. The rune represents the need for the start of a journey, whether it be physically or mentally. The poem says, “Riding is in the hall, to every warrior easy, but very hard for one who sits up on a powerful horse over miles of road.” Basically, this represents the concept that it’s easy to stay where we are and want for change, but in order to obtain change we must “ride” over the miles of road to reach whatever destination it is that we are seeking.

 At the moment, being that times have been hard financially for us, I’m currently without interwebs unless I’m at work. But I will check the thread and keep you all updated as much as I possibly can.

 I mentioned earlier that I wanted to do an introductory post of sorts, so here it goes: My name is Drew, though I don’t really like the name. At my second job which is a serving gig, I go by Redbeard the Viking, Redbeard for short, hence my username. I’ve had that nickname at almost every job I’ve worked at since I grew a beard, so it stuck. Plus it’s bloody wicked, enn’t?

I’m currently thirty years old, have a little older than a year and half son and my fiancee and I live together in a flat which is actually a duplex. As you can all conclude, I’m not very happy with my current circumstances, one of which being my weight and the other being my mental state. I’ve lived most of my life being both overweight and depressed. When I was thirteen I made an attempt to end this cycle of life for me, and thankfully someone saw the fight I had and made an effort to follow me into the woods where I attempted to hang myself.

Since then, I’ve fought depression, for a bit I was on and off medication and currently I’m on it again because I didn’t think I could do this alone. I’ve always felt the Gods are with me, and I follow the old heathen ways, those being the Anglo-Saxon/Germanic Gods of Old. I also have loving support from my fiancee and my son as much as he can give, but at times, and definitely more often than I should, feel alone. I don’t think I have the right dosage at the moment, but my therapist is avidly working with me to help find the right combination.

 At any rate, that’s why my goals are as they are. I wish to feel better and be better both physically and mentally. I’m well aware that more times than not depression will never go completely away. But if I can keep it at bay, keep my mind and my body stronger than it, then I can’t go astray. With the Thunor, Woden, Tiw and many, many others including our the great God Ganesha I can and will accomplish anything I put my mind to.

Keep it groovy, all you cats? In the great words of Cloud Strife, “All right, everyone, let’s mosey.”

 Ah yes, I almost forgot, each day I post I’m going to post a daily card from The Relax Mediation Deck, and talk about said card. Today’s card is “Light on Troubled Water”. The card states, “No matter how rough the sea, a lighthouse always shines its light to guide sailors safely through a storm. We each have an inner light to help us navigate our own troubled waters. Imagine that light, floating in the space behind your eyes— the more your concentrate on it, the brighter it becomes. Spend a few moments reflecting on it whenever you feel unsure of yourself, and you will never stray from the right course.” This is a card I needed and ought to reflect on daily. It has reminded me to look within whenever I am down, because everything can and will work out.

[Murphy's Roommate]

Redbeard - you are lucky.  Most people get nicknames they hate and are stuck with them until all their friends die.  I'm stuck with Scarlett due to my last name, I know another guy who's last name is Master, so he is stuck with Bates...  Another gal stepped out of the car (passenger) after a night of hard drinking, fell down, and wet herself, so she is now Vitamin P forever...  The list goes on and on.  And then you have Redbeard.  Sigh...

 

Keep fighting the good fight, there is always another dawn.

 

 - Murphy's Roommate

[Redbeard the Viking]

On 12/5/2017 at 3:11 PM, Murphy's Roommate said:

Redbeard - you are lucky.  Most people get nicknames they hate and are stuck with them until all their friends die.  I'm stuck with Scarlett due to my last name, I know another guy who's last name is Master, so he is stuck with Bates...  Another gal stepped out of the car (passenger) after a night of hard drinking, fell down, and wet herself, so she is now Vitamin P forever...  The list goes on and on.  And then you have Redbeard.  Sigh...

 

Keep fighting the good fight, there is always another dawn.

 

 - Murphy's Roommate

Thank as always for the kind words, my friend. Other nicknames of course I've gained over the course of my life are "Big Red", "Big Man", "Fat boy" and so on. Ass-hats are generally rather cruel and unoriginal thus the lackluster nicknames the unimportant folks gave me. You are right however, there's always another dawn. 

I've been severely slacking, and you know what, that's ok. I'm my own person, and I can and will achieve greatness.

[Redbeard the Viking]

Week Four is upon us all and unfortuantely for me, I haven't accomplished much of bloody anything. However, that doesn't mean I'm giving up. My goal is to accomplish everything this week on my list.  On a side note, one thing I have accomplished is to complete my blót for Jul (sorry for the italics, I don't yet know how to alt code with Ubuntu.).

 

I also managed to fit into a shirt better that I hadn't been able to thanks to food poisoning late last week. Though I must say that's not the way I wanted to lose weight by any means. At any rate, this week still has many possibilities, and the new year is approaching, it's now or never.