Ensi: Treasure Map 2018

[WhiteGhost]

9 hours ago, Ensi said:

 

 

Can't hear you, I'm having a shower!

Enjoy your shower! I'm sure there are no stalkers anywhere around, and especially no knife wielding murderers behind the curtains

[Ensi]

On 11.4.2018 at 11:10 PM, zenLara said:

I'll leave you to it. Since it seems to be your first one in decades, I guess it will take a while...

 

 

On 12.4.2018 at 8:11 AM, WhiteGhost said:

Enjoy your shower! I'm sure there are no stalkers anywhere around, and especially no knife wielding murderers behind the curtains

 

Ooooh, I love knives!

 

 

**

 

Alright, I had to be honest with myself on Friday: I've been obsessing about my body for a few weeks now, feeling disgusting and fat. I've been very aware of these thoughts, but I haven't had the energy to deal with them. On Friday, I was talking on the phone with Mom, and finally I just broke down and vented at her about my thoughts and feelings. It helped me, but I'm still pretty deep in the swamp of unhealthy thoughts. I need to make dealing with them a priority for now. 

 

After venting I washed my hair, put on some make-up, chose comfortable and nice-looking clothes, and went out to see the concert. I don't know what exactly happened, but I suddenly felt really great about the way I looked  Vinnie and I agreed that we would be at the concert place around 7 PM, but when I arrived a bit after 7 PM, Vinnie wasn't there yet. The bouncer turned out to be a bit unusual... I told that I was waiting for my friend for a while, but when I had waited for Vinnie in the lobby for over 20 minutes, he came to me and asked: "Isn't your friend here yet? That's rude! I guess some people just like being late..." (He was really cute  ) And we just had a small chat there. It turned out that Vinnie would come to the concert a bit later, so I thought to myself, "alrighty then", went to the concert hall, got myself a drink and had fun flirting with strangers  The first band started playing, and it was lovely to sit there and listen to them play. Eventually I ended up spending very little time with Vinnie: there were other coworkers from the library, so I spent some time with them listening to the music (it was so loud that it was impossible to talk), and then I left home pretty early. I'm actually happy about how the evening went, because when I was walking there, I suddenly felt pretty nervous about spending time with Vinnie alone outside of work. At some point, the evening was suddenly more about me not being home alone, but being outside and enjoying a concert and sharing an experience with other people. It was lovely to be outside

 

As for Vinnie being late, I realized that the concert was more of a relaxed "I'll meet you there when I get there" type of an occasion - and I realized it when I was waiting for him, so I just decided to go ahead and have some fun by myself  I was hanging with the other coworkers when I decided to leave, so I just sent him a message on Messenger to let him know that I had left. He sent me a message when he got home, too, and we kept chatting in the morning. He's become a part of my daily life, and I just feel good and peaceful having him around.

 

As for insecurities about my body: Shark Week started yesterday, so it's no wonder I've felt low  The springtime is making my hormones a bit wacky. Nevertheless, the weather is getting really warm and sunny, and I've got in a lot of walking. I took my bike to a bike repair shop, and I should get it back next week  I also did yoga yesterday for the first time in a long time, and my legs were SHAKING when I did high lunges! O__o I'm glad to keep practicing. All in all, I will do exercise that supports my wellbeing and helps my body feel good. Everything's OK

[WhiteGhost]

1 hour ago, Ensi said:

After venting I washed my hair, put on some make-up, chose comfortable and nice-looking clothes, and went out to see the concert. I don't know what exactly happened, but I suddenly felt really great about the way I looked  Vinnie and I agreed that we would be at the concert place around 7 PM, but when I arrived a bit after 7 PM, Vinnie wasn't there yet. The bouncer turned out to be a bit unusual... I told that I was waiting for my friend for a while, but when I had waited for Vinnie in the lobby for over 20 minutes, he came to me and asked: "Isn't your friend here yet? That's rude! I guess some people just like being late..." (He was really cute  ) And we just had a small chat there. It turned out that Vinnie would come to the concert a bit later, so I thought to myself, "alrighty then", went to the concert hall, got myself a drink and had fun flirting with strangers  The first band started playing, and it was lovely to sit there and listen to them play. Eventually I ended up spending very little time with Vinnie: there were other coworkers from the library, so I spent some time with them listening to the music (it was so loud that it was impossible to talk), and then I left home pretty early. I'm actually happy about how the evening went, because when I was walking there, I suddenly felt pretty nervous about spending time with Vinnie alone outside of work. At some point, the evening was suddenly more about me not being home alone, but being outside and enjoying a concert and sharing an experience with other people. It was lovely to be outside

I liked everything about this paragraph. Sounds to me like you just got enough xp for +1 maturity and +1 independence.  Make sure you update your stats

 

[Lara]

2 hours ago, Ensi said:

At some point, the evening was suddenly more about me not being home alone, but being outside and enjoying a concert and sharing an experience with other people. It was lovely to be outside

This sounds very nice to me. I'm glad that you had a nice time.

 

I think everybody has insecurities about their bodies every now and then, specially we women. There is so much bombing on us about how good we should look at every moment, that even if you don't share the message you are still being influenced by it. You add a few hormones messing around and you are headed for disaster. When I am in that mood I try to focus on the things my body does for me. I think of how it keeps me alive, of how it healed the last wound, how it takes care of telling me it's time to get some fuel, the nice sensations it gives me when I move... This way of thinking puts me in a position where I admire my body and feel thankful for it. I have eyes that can see, limbs that can move, a nose that can smell, I mean, it's so perfect. A beautiful body is a body that can do things, no matter its shape or weight, and not something that looks good in terms of the fad of this or this other time or in terms of what we have been induced to think.

 

2 hours ago, Ensi said:

weather is getting really warm and sunny,

Why is it getting warm everywhere except here? 

 

2 hours ago, Ensi said:

Ooooh, I love knives!

I know, my dear...

[Ensi]

3 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

I liked everything about this paragraph. Sounds to me like you just got enough xp for +1 maturity and +1 independence.  Make sure you update your stats

 

 

1 hour ago, zenLara said:

This sounds very nice to me. I'm glad that you had a nice time.

 

 

Thank you both  I'm definitely going out again soon! I have done it in the past, but felt somehow insecure and nervous in clubs and bars. I think I've managed to handle a lot of my traumas pretty well, because I was able to feel relaxed and happy in the middle of the crowd (while staying alert and keeping an eye on my drink, of course). Now I want to go out with my other friends, too. I think it could be fun

 

1 hour ago, zenLara said:

 

I think everybody has insecurities about their bodies every now and then, specially we women. There is so much bombing on us about how good we should look at every moment, that even if you don't share the message you are still being influenced by it. You add a few hormones messing around and you are headed for disaster. When I am in that mood I try to focus on the things my body does for me. I think of how it keeps me alive, of how it healed the last wound, how it takes care of telling me it's time to get some fuel, the nice sensations it gives me when I move... This way of thinking puts me in a position where I admire my body and feel thankful for it. I have eyes that can see, limbs that can move, a nose that can smell, I mean, it's so perfect. A beautiful body is a body that can do things, no matter its shape or weight, and not something that looks good in terms of the fad of this or this other time or in terms of what we have been induced to think.

 

 

Thank you so much for this, Lara! This is what I needed to hear  I started thinking how my body has recovered from the illnesses, and how I've been able to go for walks and observe birds. And how I was able to have fun on Friday, and go to the university library yesterday to print out some articles. And this morning, instead of forcing myself to work out, I realized that I needed some rest, instead. I stayed in bed watching a movie and relaxing, and I just made myself a wonderful salad for lunch. I'm gonna do gentle yoga later on, and spare the heavier workout for tomorrow. I'm gonna be kinder from now on

 

1 hour ago, zenLara said:

 

Why is it getting warm everywhere except here? 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, zenLara said:

 

I know, my dear...

 

[Lara]

2 hours ago, Ensi said:

Thank you so much for this, Lara! This is what I needed to hear 

Glad to help

 

2 hours ago, Ensi said:

So now your half-brother is also messing with me? What a nice family!

[Ensi]

14 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

So now your half-brother is also messing with me? What a nice family!

 

Currently, he's tied in a chair.

 

 

We get along wonderfully!

 

**

 

It's not easy, but I'm managing the negative thoughts. I keep telling myself that my body is good as it is and I don't have to make sure that I look as thin as possible. Food isn't banned, and having dairy or other foods isn't "dangerous" and mean that I have failed. My body is already a lot more relaxed, which should be enough proof for me to keep doing this  Sleep was wonderful, too!

 

Anyway, I think the core issue here is that I would like to do something else. Visiting the university last week and talking about coding and research made me excited. Helping customers to use the printer and telling them where the bathrooms are is an important job, but it started to suddenly feel boring. And on Friday, there was a situation where it took me a while to count how much change I should give to an older lady, and she told me "it's basic calculus!" like I was dumb or something, and now I notice that it's still bugging me. ... Now that I'm writing this, I realize that I can either mope about this or, uh, not  I have a job in a relatively stress free environment and my coworkers are awesome. I understand that I feel frustrated, though, and it's OK. I have taken steps to move forwards: I have applied for the master's degree, and I am now a research assistant at the university. Nevertheless, I can choose how I feel about my current situation, and I wish to keep focusing on the possibilities and positives. One positive being that after meeting Vinnie, I haven't had that gnawing feeling of "yeah, things are OK, but I wouldn't care if I died" in my head that I've had for years. Being around him has helped me accept myself as I am, and I feel like I don't have to struggle to be something else anymore. The struggle is the worst x__x So, everything's OK. It's Shark Week, which makes everything feel double terrible I might want to work out a bit to get my body moving...

[WhiteGhost]

2 hours ago, Ensi said:

"yeah, things are OK, but I wouldn't care if I died"

So glad you are out of that headspace now.  And for the record, WE would care  

[Ensi]

2 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

So glad you are out of that headspace now.  And for the record, WE would care  

 

Thanks, I'm glad to be out, too...! I'm sorry I put it so starkly, though, it's not fair for others to have to read things like that. It's not like I wanted to harm myself or do anything, more like a general ennui, because I found it hard to enjoy things that didn't evaluate me as a person (work, studies, salary etc.). Hanging around with Vinnie has helped me see how much fun it is to just watch movies, listen to music and play games, and share them by talking about them. I've kept my interests to myself, mostly, because I've felt like no one cares about the movies, games or other interests that I have. Now I'm more eager to talk about my interests with my other friends, too, so I've definitely become more open this spring. At the same time, I notice that I'm not so keen to stay in touch with a few friends who always drain my energy. A lot has changed, but I'm glad about it  Thanks for hanging around here!

 

[Ensi]

Phew, I've been busy! But not overwhelmed or stressed  I've managed to code the group assignment pretty nicely, and I try to wrap my part up today. AND I got my bike back from the repair shop!! I took it to a test ride around the town, and it was lovely. I've missed biking so much x__x I'm happy to have it back in my exercise repertoire. I've also decided that next winter, I'm going to find a gym where I can use the rowing machine or stationary bike a couple of times a week. This winter was pretty weak in terms of healthy exercise (the laundry and the stress from studies and work made me a bit messy), but I'm happy to be where I currently am. And now I know that it's important to do healthy exercise, even if it gets busy  My current goal is to go biking 2 times a week, and do 2 strength training exercises a week.

 

I'm happy that I've been able to code this week. I've had trouble with it during the past few weeks, and I've already thought that I've dumbed down and forgotten everything - but then I realized that I, an introvert, spend my days doing customer service and being constantly in contact with people (some man grabbed my hand for a second yesterday when giving me the payment for his papers, and even if he didn't mean anything by it, I got so utterly disgusted that my soul aged at least 300 years :DD I hate being touched by strangers). I'm not dumb, my brain is exhausted. I had a day off on Monday, and I went to a coffee shop alone and worked by myself. It was the loveliest thing in a long, long time...! I also coded a lot, and started to feel like myself  I'm taking this into account better now, and I try to find some moments of calming down during the workday. I realize now that I've been too tired to be active here, too! I've started to miss being active here...

 

[Shello]

10 hours ago, Ensi said:

I realize now that I've been too tired to be active here, too! I've started to miss being active here...

Same.  I've done a terrible job of keeping up lately.  But it sounds like you've been taking some big steps in balancing your introvert needs and your socializing and self acceptance needs too.  It makes me happy to hear. 

[Ensi]

On 19.4.2018 at 5:41 PM, LadyShello said:

Same.  I've done a terrible job of keeping up lately.  But it sounds like you've been taking some big steps in balancing your introvert needs and your socializing and self acceptance needs too.  It makes me happy to hear. 

 

You have had a lot on your plate, too...! I hope you've found some time to get yourself in balance, as well  Acceptance always helps with everything. It's not easy, but it helps me to think of it as "seeing things with compassion". I don't know exactly how to "accept" (it's not a feeling) but I know how to feel compassion. It's a very good time of year for me to get back to that groove  Have a happy weekend, Shello

 

**

 

I've done two 50-minute biking trips this week, and they've had a very positive effect on my wellbeing  I have work today, so I'm taking a rest day, and I'll do a strength training workout tomorrow. I'm trying not to work out too much, but to slowly build my fitness back up after being sick and all. Small steps...!

 

I went to talk with my language tech instructor yesterday, and it was so great! I really enjoyed talking about linguistics and computer science with someone, who actually works in the field x__x She was really happy to hear that I have experience with all sorts of coding, but she's also really supporting and likes to tell me that I don't need to know everything and that I can always ask for help  I'm so happy to finally belong in a group that I can work with! I've played around with all sorts of programming languages and techniques, and I'm happy to finally put my skills to practice. We'll see how this goes

 

As said, I have work today. I'll be alone with the negative coworker and with a quiet girl, who got kinda clingy last summer during our internship. Fun times ahead :DD I actually managed to be friendly with the negative coworker, but then she started loading me with her personal stuff, and it got really heavy. She's a fine coworker, but I still don't want to be her confidant or friend. I simply steered the discussion back to work as well as I could, or left to do something else (we have to sit in the same space for several hours). I'll practice some more today

[Ensi]

Urgh, it was a hard day at work. The work itself was fine, but the negative coworker completely drained me, and I started having violent fantasies about 1 hour before closing time  A couple of good things came out of it, though. One was that I was able to see what really bothers me: if I'm helping a customer and it takes me more time than "hmm, let me see" to help them, she jumps in and takes the customer away from me. It makes me feel like she's constantly monitoring my work, and doesn't trust me to do my work well. This, in turn, makes me feel incompetent and bad at my job. I'm going to ask her to stop doing that. I think I can handle her negative BS if she just lets me do my work in peace. The other thing was that when I got home, Vinnie started chatting, and I told him about this (not giving him the name of the coworker, though). He thought that her behaviour is really annoying, too, and agreed that it's a good idea to tell her about it. I thanked him for support, and he told me that I can always talk with him if something's bothering me. I'm still going to vent mostly to Mom and my friends haha, but I'm glad that he was so supportive  Anyway, I noticed that I kept thinking about the negative coworker (we all have imaginary conversations in our heads right???), but I'm sure it's gonna get easier once I tell her about how I feel about her behaviour.

 

I've done two biking workouts this week, and it has had a huge impact on how I feel. I don't feel as bloated, and my mental wellbeing has improved: I get around much easier and quicker now  My body seems to function best with cardio like biking and rowing, supported by bodyweight and kettlebell exercises. I'm going to do a strength training workout today, and eat well  I'm also going to keep reading some language tech articles and do some coding. If the weather stays sunny, I might bike to a nearby forest and go for a walk there. Life's good!

[WhiteGhost]

22 hours ago, Ensi said:

I'm sure it's gonna get easier once I tell her about how I feel about her behaviour.

I do hope so

[Lara]

On 19/4/2018 at 6:19 AM, Ensi said:

but then I realized that I, an introvert, spend my days doing customer service and being constantly in contact with people

That is very energy draining, even for extrovert people. For starters, you don't spend that time with people you necessarily like, and second, costumer service is always a nightmare. A library is probably calmer, but still...

 

On 22/4/2018 at 6:40 AM, Ensi said:

and I started having violent fantasies about 1 hour before closing time 

Please tell us

 

Your biking sounds awesome. Are you biking around the city or going outside to the country?

[Ensi]

On 23.4.2018 at 6:15 AM, WhiteGhost said:

I do hope so

 

I haven't really run into her this week lol  Well, I'm pretty zen about it now. I may have been a bit tired myself, but I'm absolutely gonna tell her the next time we work together and this happens...

 

19 hours ago, zenLara said:

That is very energy draining, even for extrovert people. For starters, you don't spend that time with people you necessarily like, and second, costumer service is always a nightmare. A library is probably calmer, but still...

 

 

Yup, the library is pretty calm, but it might get hectic at times.

 

19 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

Please tell us

 

 

19 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

Your biking sounds awesome. Are you biking around the city or going outside to the country?

 

Biking is indeed lovely  I'm biking around the city, but there's a forest trail I also like to go to every now and then. All in all, I love being able to get around quickly and get some exercise

 

**

 

Phewww. The eating disorder thoughts got me again. Now it's been like, "we're eating healthy to handle the monthly symptoms you're having! No more sweets or anything! Oh, you just had some chocolate? Hmm. That's bad. Bad bad. Eating better could also help us lose weight..." And so forth. And all sort of disordered behaviour has ensued. I talked about this with Mom yesterday, and she was very supportive. I think I just need to accept the monthly symptoms and take the antihistamine meds. I've had this idea that I have to be able to control the symptoms myself so that I won't need the meds, but hey, it's antihistamine. It's not dangerous. If I can manage the symptoms with it, then fine. I don't need to get my food choices perfect. It isn't my fault that I have this condition, so... I'll have meds  I just read somewhere that a chronic urticaria requires meds. Stress is only going to make them worse, anyway. I'm gonna visit a doctor about these symptoms at some point, but for now, I'm going to let myself rest from trying to get everything right. My hands and lips are starting to feel itchy again, and my head's been a bit foggy. Medication time!

 

In other news, Mom gave me some money to go get myself a new gym card! I would really, really love to hit the gym again  I might go for a biking trip and buy the card so that I can go visit the gym this weekend I prefer going in the morning: it's usually pretty empty, and it's nice to start the day with a workout.

 

Despite the what-ever-it-is-that-I-have, I've been happy and stable. I have time to meet friends and work out, I don't feel overwhelmed by my job and studies, and I feel hopeful about the future. I might go on that biking trip now and get the gym card. I still like Vinnie very much, but I don't think now's the right time to actually do anything about it. I'll wait for the summer: if I get in the master's degree, we won't be working together anymore. I just wouldn't feel right about telling him about how I feel when we still work together. I like keeping the workplace drama free  He also told me today that he's been four days without smoking! He said that he just wants to try it out, out of curiosity. He told me that he's now just figuring out what to do with all the time he now has. I told him that I don't have any experience quitting smoking, but that maybe he should just fill his time with things that bring him joy. He said that "yeah, but my life is already pretty awesome, so... Maybe I shouldn't worry about it?" and that's the kind of positivity I WANT IN MY LIFE x____x

[Ensi]

Ah, the mental agony has stopped for now. I'm taking antihistamines and chilling  I've had some ice cream today, and it's OK. I'm gonna allow myself to eat all foods again, because that's the only way intuitive eating works. Let's see how it goes...

 

It was a lovely day at work  I took a nap after work, and went for an hour's bike trip. After biking, I did some kettlebell rows to give my shoulders some movement. I've been a bit tense and tired, so I'm taking it a bit slower - nevertheless, getting some exercise and fresh air always helps I've looked up a place that gives yoga classes, and I'm going to go check them out after the First of May! Tomorrow, I will do some light yoga, and I have a sauna reservation for the evening. As said, I've been a bit tired and the negative coworker somehow keeps nagging in my head, but ehh. It's normal to be tired at times. I try to focus on the positives  Have a lovely Thorsday, y'all!

[Ensi]

Friday was really lovely! I find it hard to describe how much I love my new department. I told my coworkers there on Thursday that I'd love to find a yoga class, and one of them told me that there's a person working in the library who gives yoga classes! I sometimes feel ashamed to tell people that I'm interested in yoga, but my coworkers got excited and looked up for information about it with me. I'm gonna attend her class next week to check it out! She's focused on kundalini yoga. I'm more about power yoga, but on the other hand, I'd love to practice yoga to manage my stress levels. Kundalini yoga could work  And it's super cheap, she's charging only 3 euros a class. Hurah! And oh! I ran into a colleague, who works with my friend in another department. She asked me, "you speak both Finnish and Swedish, right?" (I think she's heard me speak only Swedish with my friend.) She told me that since my friend is leaving to work in another library ( ), they might need someone to replace her - and they had thought about me! I don't know how much she knows about me, but she asked me if I'm interested in information systems or other technical stuff. I told her that I've studied computer science and that I'm very interested, and she seemed happy with that. I'll hear back from them ("My name is Ensi...!" "Oh, we know who you are." O__o). This sounds like an interesting opportunity. We'll see...!

 

After work, I had dinner, and then I just played some Playstation. I had a sauna reservation at 6 PM, and I did a kettlebell workout before it. After sauna, I had an evening snack, and then I biked over to my friend's place to hang out. I started to get really sleepy later on (after work, working out and sauna), and left home. I chatted with Vinnie for a while, and then went to bed. I slept well, and now it's Saturday morning and I'm just hanging out.

 

And now: FEELINGS! Haha  My feelings for Vinnie have got deeper, and I notice that my brain maggots are on the move. I've noticed that he chats a lot with women on Facebook, and even though this probably means that he has a lot of female friends (this is a huge plus, mind you), I can't help feeling a bit like "eeeek who are these ladies!!! what if he likes someone else!!!!" :DD Well, I can't help feeling that way, but I'm doing my best to stop those thoughts in their tracks, and keep playing the long game. While I love his way of being open and friendly with everyone, it also makes me wonder if I'm just one among everyone else. On the other hand, this doesn't worry me that much, because this spring has made me feel a lot better about myself, and I know that there's nothing wrong with me, if nothing comes out of this. ... Woah. I didn't even realize it before I wrote the previous line  This isn't about me getting acceptance, I just really love spending time with him. And I feel so calm, because I know that this isn't about my self-worth!

 

 

So yeah, that's about it. I'm happy to spend this weekend alone to recharge my introvert batteries and do some maintenance on both body and my apartment  I'm gonna eat something good and do meal prep for next week.

 

... on the side note, I need to stop smiling and waving to the guards. Two of them have now started to come up and chat with me on their tours around the library.

 

[WhiteGhost]

45 minutes ago, Ensi said:

"My name is Ensi...!" "Oh, we know who you are." O__o

If they already know who you are and approached you anyway, that is definitely a good sign   

 

46 minutes ago, Ensi said:

Woah. I didn't even realize it before I wrote the previous line  This isn't about me getting acceptance, I just really love spending time with him. And I feel so calm, because I know that this isn't about my self-worth!

Also, this was just awesome.  

[Ensi]

3 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

If they already know who you are and approached you anyway, that is definitely a good sign   

 

 

 

3 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Also, this was just awesome.  

 

Awesome, and a bit new to me. But I'm happy to learn

[Ensi]

Food thoughts have bothered me today. I noticed that I've been thinking about food constantly, thinking what to eat next, and when to eat. I felt a bit low when I realized it, but I managed to tell myself that it's OK for me to have these thoughts. It's "only" a year since I started recovery, and it's OK to go back a couple of steps here and there. Dinner went OK: I had some bread with my meal and a small dessert, and managed to tell myself that it was safe to eat. Now I'm not thinking about food, which means that I managed to eat well enough to make hunger go away. It's the variety that helps me feel full and not think about food, so I know that I can eat whatever I want. But it's scary

 

There was a slight setback, though: I read someone's thread here, and they are counting calories (very low daily amount, too), and reading their posts made me anxious. Well, the solution to that is simple: stay awaaaaaay from there  As supporting as this community is, I'm not going to follow threads that trigger anxiety. Maybe later on, but right now I'm not strong enough to even read about counting calories and avoiding certain foods. I might get better at it now that I start truly eating a more varied diet, but we'll see. It might take some time

 

It's been a slow Sunday. I got really bored in the afternoon, and I was anxious thinking that I should probably go out or do something. Instead, I went to bed and just lay there. I'm constantly doing something during the work week, and it was lovely to just stare at the ceiling and watch birds fly outside my window. I even fell asleep for a moment, and it really helped me calm down  I think I'd like to do a light strength training workout now in the evening. That would be my second workout this week, so I would hit my goal of 2 bike trips and 2 strength training workouts. I might do power yoga... I did a yoga stretching workout yesterday, and it was lovely. I've had issues with focusing on home yoga practices lately, but yesterday I truly focused on the movements: what my body needed to do to get in the poses, and if there was some difficult pose, I took it slowly and negotiated with my body, until I made it. I'd love to do that again today, and truly focus on listening to my body and what it can do. Despite the food thoughts, I'm sure it's gonna get easier now. Besides, it's mid-cycle shenanigans and I'm bloated, so blergh. I just gotta hold on, and allow myself to enjoy food and being alive. All is well

[TheGreyJedi-Ranger]

7 minutes ago, Ensi said:

 It's the variety that helps me feel full and not think about food, so I know that I can eat whatever I want. But it's scary

THIS. I still struggle sometimes with that sort of thing. Especially since I'm still a lot of an emotional eater and I'm working through some of that. 

 

I would say that I think it gets better. Some days it seems scarier than others. I think the days I'd like to call 'bad body image days' are the ones where it's scariest. The ones where you're so aware of your physical space and you have negative thoughts about your body and it seems almost wrong to eat whatever you want. 

 

Also, I just read this and I think it might resonate with you, friend <3

 

7 minutes ago, Ensi said:

There was a slight setback, though: I read someone's thread here, and they are counting calories (very low daily amount, too), and reading their posts made me anxious. Well, the solution to that is simple: stay awaaaaaay from there  As supporting as this community is, I'm not going to follow threads that trigger anxiety. Maybe later on, but right now I'm not strong enough to even read about counting calories and avoiding certain foods. I might get better at it now that I start truly eating a more varied diet, but we'll see. It might take some time

I struggle with that so much. It makes me really sad any time I see people talking about it, but also it makes me feel like I should also be doing something like it. It's really hard to avoid it sometimes. We can do it, friend <3

[Ensi]

35 minutes ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

THIS. I still struggle sometimes with that sort of thing. Especially since I'm still a lot of an emotional eater and I'm working through some of that. 

 

I would say that I think it gets better. Some days it seems scarier than others. I think the days I'd like to call 'bad body image days' are the ones where it's scariest. The ones where you're so aware of your physical space and you have negative thoughts about your body and it seems almost wrong to eat whatever you want. 

 

Also, I just read this and I think it might resonate with you, friend <3

 

I struggle with that so much. It makes me really sad any time I see people talking about it, but also it makes me feel like I should also be doing something like it. It's really hard to avoid it sometimes. We can do it, friend <3

 

Thank you so much, you really gave me the support I needed today  I've been stuffing food down my throat quickly, and I'm not calm when I'm eating. This tells me that something's been wrong for a while: too much control. Today, I bought myself good foods, and I'm gonna be brave again and eat whatever I feel like I need to. It reacted very well last spring, and I know that it would do me good to not freak out around food. I'm already feeling better, and I'm gonna check out some other blog posts from the page you shared. Thanks again, we can totally do this <3

[TheGreyJedi-Ranger]

51 minutes ago, Ensi said:

 

Thank you so much, you really gave me the support I needed today  I've been stuffing food down my throat quickly, and I'm not calm when I'm eating. This tells me that something's been wrong for a while: too much control. Today, I bought myself good foods, and I'm gonna be brave again and eat whatever I feel like I need to. It reacted very well last spring, and I know that it would do me good to not freak out around food. I'm already feeling better, and I'm gonna check out some other blog posts from the page you shared. Thanks again, we can totally do this <3

I'm glad I could help It's hard to let go of the control and just let ourselves be. I really love that website, I get updates from it periodically and they're always super timely

 

Anytime, I believe in you! <3

[Lara]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. But also glad to see you're always finding solutions and changing your thoughts a little bit everyday.

 

2 hours ago, Ensi said:

I read someone's thread here, and they are counting calories (very low daily amount, too), and reading their posts made me anxious. Well, the solution to that is simple: stay awaaaaaay from there  As supporting as this community is, I'm not going to follow threads that trigger anxiety.

I don't usually weigh in in conversations about losing weight or counting calories because I don't think my experience counts at all for this, since I've always been thin and the only time I had to count calories was to assure myself they were enough, and I guess nobody struggling with weight or food wants the opinion of someone like me, but still I have to say, it feels weird to me that people would try to lose weight by starving their bodies, assuring themselves they eat less than what they need. I sincerely don't know how they go through their lives falling short of energy. Also, it puzzles me that these people are usually the same to think that what counts is just the number of calories they it, without much regard for the quality of these calories. I am not at all about restricting any foods either (unless there is a medical condition/reason, of course), but if they're eating less than what they need, shouldn't these people take care of eating food that is nutritious enough? I don't know, I guess you have to experience it to understand its logic.

By the way, I don't intend to make anyone following this thread feel bad with my skinny point of view or to be disrespectful of other people's suffering, it's just that it's difficult for me to understand why people do that to themselves. From the "outside", it looks like torture