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fleaball

Year of the Flea

Starting the Year off Right: Poll Tiem!  

26 members have voted

  1. 1. Is this gonna be your year?

    • FUCK YEAH!
      17
    • Damn right!
      6
    • YES but I don't like cursing!
      3


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Welp, an attempt was made. I have until 3pm Tuesday to get 11 more rides done, so that can wait til tomorrow. I should not be letting one drunk asshole ruin my night but I was just sitting in the car stewing so meh. I mean, there are also stupid people out driving and icy side streets that impacted my decision. But I also need to do something to distract myself from señor asshat. Laundry and reading it is. 

 

eta: Christ I should go back out just to avoid my father and his stupid rampages. 

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6 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

I'm starting tomorrow too. Yay, anxiety. :/

 

I started the 29th for the same reason. That and I had no good reason not to. ANxiety is dumb

 

6 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

Ditto. And for me, thinking about dealing with the cause of my anxiety causes a lot more anxiety.

 

This, If I try to figure out why I am upset, then I start getting worried I am freaking out about nothing, and then there is something wrong with me and down the spiral I go.

 

6 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

I think I've seen something like this before. And I really like the concept. But in practice, I usually get stuck on the "let the worry go" part. (Like, I try to change the focus of my attention, but the anxiety still stays.)

 

Yep, this.  It usually just has to run its course.

 

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12 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Welp, an attempt was made. I have until 3pm Tuesday to get 11 more rides done, so that can wait til tomorrow. I should not be letting one drunk asshole ruin my night but I was just sitting in the car stewing so meh. I mean, there are also stupid people out driving and icy side streets that impacted my decision. But I also need to do something to distract myself from señor asshat. Laundry and reading it is. 

 

eta: Christ I should go back out just to avoid my father and his stupid rampages. 

 

 

When did coffee filters become so hard to find. Then again, I don't drink the stuff, so I would really not know.

Good luck hiding and hopefully your father goes to bed early?  Stay safe if the roads are that bad.

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3 minutes ago, fleaball said:

JUST KIDDING guess who went to the movies because her father keeps screaming at his phone?

I think going to the movies is a good choice.

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On 25/12/2017 at 11:08 PM, fleaball said:

Hoooolyyyy shit y'all. 2017 was a clusterfuck of epic proportions, largely outside of my control. The one good thing I can think of is that I earned a very expensive piece of paper.

 

Other good things off the top of my head: 

  • you managed to tread water with your health level (which is a huge accomplishment since most people (like me) backslide at times like that)
  • you found a source of income enough to pay your bills to give you time to find another more suitable job without going into debt in the meantime
  • you ran a Spartan
  • you successfully handled a bunch of paperwork and admin issues that would have knocked a lot of people on their ass
  • your therapist said you made a tonne of progress dealing with various stuff and, as I recall, even said you didn't need her anymore unless you wanted to work on deeper issues

Your goals look sensible and I really like your list of 2018 goals (making such a list is a good idea which I plan to steal) and I definitely hear you on being afraid of starting the challenge. It's funny because for me it's partially fear of failure, and partially fear of success, and partially just free-floating anxiety that doesn't even have the decency to have a real reason. But from what I've seen in your threads, you feel better about yourself when you know what you're supposed to be doing. You always talk about how you feel this need to follow rules, and I think there's some appeal to feeling like you know what success means on a given day, you know? It simplifies things. Like if you get up and do three or four things, you are allowed to feel good. In a family where you probably didn't get a lot of positive reinforcement or approval of any kind, I think you sometimes have trouble feeling like you're allowed to feel good about yourself. So the challenge goals are useful in that sense. It sets a specific goal, and then if you do it, you can say: I did that, and that is enough. That was good. I am good.

 

Break from heavy shit for a cat picture:

 cute-sleeping-animals-67__605.jpg

 

On 27/12/2017 at 7:08 PM, fleaball said:

The acid reflux goal might be tricky. When I’m out driving I do try to look for Panera or Whole Foods over McDonalds et al, but sometimes it comes down to proximity and parking availability. And when I’m at home... meh. It will involve grocery shopping and planning. For those who don’t follow my battle log, I have a pretty big aversion to making food for myself and really just being in the kitchen in general. I’m not in a place where I can really overcome it right now, literally and figuratively. So if I want to make food at home as opposed to eating out, since very few healthy places actually deliver, I need to get creative and try to trick myself into doing quick and easy things. 

 

All in all I’m feeling okay about this challenge going into it. I have my reservations and it definitely will be a challenge, but if I want to get out of here I need to do it on my own and this is a start. (Cheerleading and cat gifs welcome.)

 

We talked about doing food prep stuff and then we both felt crappy so it never happened, but if that's a thing you want to do, we can totally do that. L is starting a new master's degree (in the evenings after work) as of Jan 11 so I've got to step up to the cooking role this year, and my plan includes a lot of batch cooking. Let me know if you're into that.

 

Also, random thought: have you thought about getting one of those mini-fridges for your room? It might be a saviour for those days when you just don't want to deal with the shared kitchen. You can pick one up on craigslist for $30 or less, and then stuff a few healthy-ish premade meals in there, plus snacks etc.

 

On 27/12/2017 at 11:51 PM, fleaball said:

Haha I see your point. Sadly, the pole dancing class will probably have to wait til the latter half of the year. Because they cost money, and also because I want to be in better shape than I am now. As in, actually have some core and upper body strength so I’m not just flopping around and getting frustrated and never want to do it again. 

 

I did 4 or 5 pole dancing classes last year. It was when I was farming and was still in pretty good shape, and I think I was about 185 then? Anyway, I could do all the moves at that weight so don't feel like you have to be tiny to do it.

 

20 hours ago, fleaball said:

Oh, balls. I bet I'm freaking out over all of my goals but the flossing one because they'll be things that are New and Different for me, Things Flea Doesn't Do, and such things are always commented on and usually derided, before or after an interrogation. 

 

Ugggh this makes me so angry. The commenting/deriding, I mean. It's such a common way for people to control/intimidate/sabotage loved ones. Because the more you're making sensible choices and taking care of yourself and being smart and practical, the worse they look in comparison. And it's so much easier to snark at you and make you feel anxious and watched in an attempt (conscious or not) to make you give up, than it is to do the same positive things for themselves.

 

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

Pulled into a Target parking lot to report a massive asshole of a customer. Go into Target for a snack, they don’t have my damn coffee filters either. Raaaaaaaage. And I’m now at least a half hour drive from any area actually worth driving in. 

 

Booooo asshole customer. Hope it wasn't too bad. Try to put him out of mind. One of my stupid brain's favourite thing to do with stressful/scary situations is to replay them a million times in an attempt to somehow prepare in case it happens again. But that's an express ticket to feeling shitty and wound up all night.

 

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

JUST KIDDING guess who went to the movies because her father keeps screaming at his phone?

 

Glad you got out. What'd you see?

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1 hour ago, Severine said:

Other good things off the top of my head: 

  • you managed to tread water with your health level (which is a huge accomplishment since most people (like me) backslide at times like that)
  • you found a source of income enough to pay your bills to give you time to find another more suitable job without going into debt in the meantime
  • you ran a Spartan
  • you successfully handled a bunch of paperwork and admin issues that would have knocked a lot of people on their ass
  • your therapist said you made a tonne of progress dealing with various stuff and, as I recall, even said you didn't need her anymore unless you wanted to work on deeper issues

Your goals look sensible and I really like your list of 2018 goals (making such a list is a good idea which I plan to steal) and I definitely hear you on being afraid of starting the challenge. It's funny because for me it's partially fear of failure, and partially fear of success, and partially just free-floating anxiety that doesn't even have the decency to have a real reason. But from what I've seen in your threads, you feel better about yourself when you know what you're supposed to be doing. You always talk about how you feel this need to follow rules, and I think there's some appeal to feeling like you know what success means on a given day, you know? It simplifies things. Like if you get up and do three or four things, you are allowed to feel good. In a family where you probably didn't get a lot of positive reinforcement or approval of any kind, I think you sometimes have trouble feeling like you're allowed to feel good about yourself. So the challenge goals are useful in that sense. It sets a specific goal, and then if you do it, you can say: I did that, and that is enough. That was good. I am good.

 

Break from heavy shit for a cat picture:

 cute-sleeping-animals-67__605.jpg

*obligatory grumping because you made me cry in my car when I read this* Spartan was 2016 though. 2017 was the year of "sign up for a bunch of OCRs and flake on all of them, yay!" Also re: the bolded part - I didn't realize this was a thing until I read it but yeah, you're right. I mean I knew positive reinforcement was just a thing I read about in books and not actually a thing that happened, but I didn't realize the part about not feeling like I'm allowed to feel good about myself. Mindfuck.

 

1 hour ago, Severine said:

We talked about doing food prep stuff and then we both felt crappy so it never happened, but if that's a thing you want to do, we can totally do that. L is starting a new master's degree (in the evenings after work) as of Jan 11 so I've got to step up to the cooking role this year, and my plan includes a lot of batch cooking. Let me know if you're into that.

1 hour ago, Severine said:

Ugggh this makes me so angry. The commenting/deriding, I mean. It's such a common way for people to control/intimidate/sabotage loved ones. Because the more you're making sensible choices and taking care of yourself and being smart and practical, the worse they look in comparison. And it's so much easier to snark at you and make you feel anxious and watched in an attempt (conscious or not) to make you give up, than it is to do the same positive things for themselves.

Relevant post from my battle log. I don't expect you to go back a million pages to get caught up tl;dr there's way too much baggage in/around the kitchen for me and I won't really be able to address it until I move out. Tbh it's probably why I got so anxious about going to your place, because it would still warrant an interrogation when I came home. ("Why did you have to go to your friend's house to cook? What did you make? Why didn't you make it here? Why did you use such weird ingredients? Why does it smell funny? Are you actually going to eat it or is it just going to go bad in the fridge?") You basically nailed it in the second post. 

 

1 hour ago, Severine said:

Also, random thought: have you thought about getting one of those mini-fridges for your room? It might be a saviour for those days when you just don't want to deal with the shared kitchen. You can pick one up on craigslist for $30 or less, and then stuff a few healthy-ish premade meals in there, plus snacks etc.

Have definitely thought about it. It's been suggested a lot. And it's a great idea, except the wiring in my house wouldn't support it. I blew a fuse running the microwave and an electric kettle (both in the kitchen) at the same time. In the summer if I have my AC on, it has to be turned off if someone wants to use the toaster oven, microwave, or even a hairdryer. There's no way I could have a mini fridge running 24/7 without fucking something up. 

 

1 hour ago, Severine said:

I did 4 or 5 pole dancing classes last year. It was when I was farming and was still in pretty good shape, and I think I was about 185 then? Anyway, I could do all the moves at that weight so don't feel like you have to be tiny to do it.

This is good to know and I might try to drag you with me. =P I'm less worried about my weight (right now, I'm sure that will change) than I am about having the strength to do it. I have basically no upper body or core strength, so I want to work on it a bit first. That way I can't walk in, suck at it immediately, and then decide never to do it again.

 

1 hour ago, Severine said:

Booooo asshole customer. Hope it wasn't too bad. Try to put him out of mind. One of my stupid brain's favourite thing to do with stressful/scary situations is to replay them a million times in an attempt to somehow prepare in case it happens again. But that's an express ticket to feeling shitty and wound up all night.

Drunk guy at Hooters didn't put Hooters as his location, just let his phone guess what the address was. After taking 10 minutes to get there, I drove by him because it told me he was several buildings further down the highway. He called and was a dick about it and I should have cancelled then but I'd gone all that way and figured I should at least get something for it. Finally get to him, suggest that when he's at a business he put in the business name because the GPS isn't always accurate, he cuts me off and says "No, I don't accept that. It was your mistake. You should have known it was Hooters. You should have KNOWN." Then we're sitting in traffic to turn on Route 1 and he's like "I bet I could walk home faster." Told him he was welcome to, but he didn't have a snappy response for that. Getting to his weird little condo village thing (Saugus is on another planet) he yells "NOOOOOPE" because apparently I put my blinker on too soon and he thought I was pulling into Target instead of his street? Up the driveway, GPS says go left, he says "IT'S A RIIIIIIIIIIIGHT." k. "SLOW DOWN-STOP" bro I was going max 15 mph? And we're nowhere near where the GPS says your destination is. He starts getting out. "I appreciate the ride but you got a lot to learn about life." Me? "Yeah you. You don't EVER speak to people like that. somethingsomething watch your attitude." Okay, I suggest you do the same. "IT'S AGAINST THE-" slams the door and I have no idea what he said. Against the law? That would be hilarious. 

 

So clearly you can tell I'm over it, right? I'm mostly upset that he's an asshole and slightly upset that I didn't just pull over and end the ride the first time he opened his fucking mouth. Most people who get in the car with an attitude just stay quiet so I figured I'd just finish the ride and get paid. If I'd cancelled, I'd get nothing. (If you explain to Lyft that you ended a ride early because a passenger is a dick, it doesn't affect your stats. But that's it. No consolation prize or anything.) Lesson learned. 

 

This is a thing to discuss with a therapist if anyone ever deigns to answer my emails, but I definitely have a thing about like, being wronged? And also being accused of doing something wrong when I didn't? Obviously no one likes either scenario but I will dwell on things forever. I mean I literally haven't worked at Stop & Shop since 2013 but every so often I'll remember some situation where a customer was an asshole for no reason and everything was apparently my fault and I'll just seethe over it. 

 

2 hours ago, Severine said:

Glad you got out. What'd you see?

The Greatest Showman. The music wasn't bad but overall I wasn't totally impressed? Maybe I'm just bitter. (Also the last move I saw in theaters was Into the Woods, which my mother invited herself to and then ruined for me, so maybe going to the movies to see a musical and escape my father was not actually the best choice.)

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14 hours ago, RES said:

You're not the first to ever have this issue ;) 

 

Probably isn't going to do any good to remind you that since your needs are rarely if ever considered in your current situation, your explanation of your actions shouldn't be needed...should they be inquired upon, "Something I'm doing for myself" should be a sufficient explanation. My .02, keep the change....

14 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I agree with RES that "Just working on something for me" should be enough of an issue. However, it may not be. Maybe try and work on your challenge stuff when your home alone. *hugs* You got this. Maybe it will finally prove to them both that you won't be around to take care of them forever, so they need to learn to do so themselves. *hugs*

Being reminded is good. But unfortunately, not having Valid Reasons™ for doing something just invites more stupid questions and a lot of bullshit. No explanation will ever be good enough. So it's easier just to never do anything I'll have to justify, or try to hide what I'm doing. Or I just wait for the inevitable interrogation.

 

I know this is a terrible way to go about life. But I still need to live in this house for a while longer so I really can't afford to make waves until I know I have a way out.

 

14 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Okay, so the filters are kinda a thing. But you just admitted that day one may not be the best day of the whole challenge. So do what you can and maybe make it a thing to go get the filters today (I know, easy to say from here because Winter, but still). Day one is about restarting and you restarting from much further back than you use to. You got this, and if need be, post today that "I need to go get filters" and we will all bug you till you do it. (What are friends for)

love the idea of having you all bug me! Luckily I didn't need it this time, because I was determined to find them, for the sake of the challenge. (For the record I also looked at Walgreen's when I bought the coffee, so that's 3 stores I hit that don't appear to carry them at all.)

 

14 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I am glad you calmed down some. Some anxiety in your situation is probably normal (you know what I mean). The last 8 months were more about just surviving and making it through a day. Now your ready to start working on things a tiny bit a time. I wish I could do something to help with the anxiety monster, but alas, right now, I can't. I have yet to teach him to settle, sit and stay. Remember these are tiny steps that will help you so you can get out of there and start feeling better.

*hugs* you got this.

<3 thanks, homie.

 

10 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

I'm starting tomorrow too. Yay, anxiety. :/

 

Ditto. And for me, thinking about dealing with the cause of my anxiety causes a lot more anxiety.

 

I think I've seen something like this before. And I really like the concept. But in practice, I usually get stuck on the "let the worry go" part. (Like, I try to change the focus of my attention, but the anxiety still stays.)

 

But maybe cat gifs will help? 

a1624fce5003d304346b1430abe40aaf.gif

omg yes, even when I tell myself "can't do anything about this thing, time to move on" it just lurks in the background instead of going away. Also this gif is the best. They're so smart.

 

3 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

When did coffee filters become so hard to find. Then again, I don't drink the stuff, so I would really not know.

Good luck hiding and hopefully your father goes to bed early?  Stay safe if the roads are that bad.

I think it's just that I have a 4-cup machine, and most are 8-12? It's also a basket filter and my brother got cone ones. I'm sure it wouldn't be terrible if I used the ones he got, but the machine I had in DC, which I threw out when I left because it was broken anyway, wound up spitting grounds into the coffee when I used the wrong filters by accident a few times, so I don't want to deal with that again.

 

He did not go to bed early. He was still lurking when I came home, then went to bed (not sure if he was waiting up for me or if it was just a coincidence), then just started screaming at the cat for wanting attention. As is their nightly ritual. 

 

The roads aren't really that bad. I just find it annoying to drive over a patch of ice or snow, or to have to pull over into an unshoveled section of road while waiting for someone. It hasn't been above freezing since the Christmas storm, so stuff is melting in the weak sunlight and then refreezing in obnoxious places etc. 

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35 minutes ago, fleaball said:

This is a thing to discuss with a therapist if anyone ever deigns to answer my emails, but I definitely have a thing about like, being wronged? And also being accused of doing something wrong when I didn't? Obviously no one likes either scenario but I will dwell on things forever. I mean I literally haven't worked at Stop & Shop since 2013 but every so often I'll remember some situation where a customer was an asshole for no reason and everything was apparently my fault and I'll just seethe over it. 

It probably has to do with growing up that way. What you just described is how your family treated you growing up and still does to you to this day. You don't like it, but are used to it, and all the baggage they've dumped on you has said you aren't allowed to get mad about it. When randos do it to you you get angry at them and some of the repressed anger at your family comes out.

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6 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

It probably has to do with growing up that way. What you just described is how your family treated you growing up and still does to you to this day. You don't like it, but are used to it, and all the baggage they've dumped on you has said you aren't allowed to get mad about it. When randos do it to you you get angry at them and some of the repressed anger at your family comes out.

Acceptable explanation.

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24 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I think it's just that I have a 4-cup machine, and most are 8-12? It's also a basket filter and my brother got cone ones. I'm sure it wouldn't be terrible if I used the ones he got, but the machine I had in DC, which I threw out when I left because it was broken anyway, wound up spitting grounds into the coffee when I used the wrong filters by accident a few times, so I don't want to deal with that again.

I had a five cup basket one and it wasn't that hard to find filters o_O (but this was also several years ago, I broke it trying to plug it in after we moved and never replaced it...). But you should be fine using a larger filter as long as it's the right shape. You'd just have to fold it over to the outside, so it doesn't fall or buckle in. (We never have the correct size filters at my job.)

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6 minutes ago, zeroh13 said:

I had a five cup basket one and it wasn't that hard to find filters o_O (but this was also several years ago, I broke it trying to plug it in after we moved and never replaced it...). But you should be fine using a larger filter as long as it's the right shape. You'd just have to fold it over to the outside, so it doesn't fall or buckle in. (We never have the correct size filters at my job.)

Yeah we had one years ago and I had no problem. Maybe no one cares about them anymore because Keurigs exist? I'll just get the reusable one on Amazon and feel better about myself for doing so, I guess. But thanks for the advice!

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1 hour ago, fleaball said:

I think it's just that I have a 4-cup machine, and most are 8-12? It's also a basket filter and my brother got cone ones. 

 

So you need something like these?

 

https://www.amazon.com/Brew-Rite-Coffee-Disposable-Filters/dp/B01C63K4KO/ref=pd_lpo_vtph_121_tr_t_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=XWNG5NXHQWWQ0B7AWTE6

 

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1 minute ago, scalyfreak said:

Exactly! I forgot to buy them when I bought the machine on Amazon, but I didn't want to place a new order just for them. I figured they'd be easy enough to find in a store, but apparently not. 

 

Thanks for proving they exist and I'm not crazy though lol

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Nope, they most certainly do exist. I have little coffee maker at my desk at work that takes the exact same kinds of filters, though I am lucky and my grocery store carries them.

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18 hours ago, fleaball said:

*obligatory grumping because you made me cry in my car when I read this* Spartan was 2016 though. 2017 was the year of "sign up for a bunch of OCRs and flake on all of them, yay!" Also re: the bolded part - I didn't realize this was a thing until I read it but yeah, you're right. I mean I knew positive reinforcement was just a thing I read about in books and not actually a thing that happened, but I didn't realize the part about not feeling like I'm allowed to feel good about myself. Mindfuck.

 

Haha, oops. Sorry about the 2016 mixup. I guess I'm still impressed about it this year so my brain volunteered it when I made the list  :D

 

At least knowing about stuff like that makes it easier to tackle once things settle down and you find a therapist you like, etc. Sometimes it feels frustrating to see a thing happening you know is a result of dysfunctional old patterns but still you can't make them not happen (I know sometimes that drives me nuts, makes me feel powerless) but still on the whole I think knowing about these things is good. Otherwise, can't fix them.

 

Quote

Relevant post from my battle log. I don't expect you to go back a million pages to get caught up

 

Hah I probably will though, when I have time and want something to read. Just wait until you have 86 new likes, and then you'll curse my name.

 

Quote

Tbh it's probably why I got so anxious about going to your place, because it would still warrant an interrogation when I came home. ("Why did you have to go to your friend's house to cook? What did you make? Why didn't you make it here? Why did you use such weird ingredients? Why does it smell funny? Are you actually going to eat it or is it just going to go bad in the fridge?")

 

I hadn't thought of that (the interrogation about it when you got home) but yeah now that you mention it that totally makes sense. And would almost certainly happen. Ugh.

 

Quote

Have definitely thought about it. It's been suggested a lot. And it's a great idea, except the wiring in my house wouldn't support it. I blew a fuse running the microwave and an electric kettle (both in the kitchen) at the same time. In the summer if I have my AC on, it has to be turned off if someone wants to use the toaster oven, microwave, or even a hairdryer. There's no way I could have a mini fridge running 24/7 without fucking something up. 

 

Holy shit. I have two electricians in the family and I swear if I told them about that they'd freak out. Also: bloody hell. Even your infrastructure is undermining you. That house is forty-three flavours of bad news.

 

Quote

This is good to know and I might try to drag you with me. =P I'm less worried about my weight (right now, I'm sure that will change) than I am about having the strength to do it. I have basically no upper body or core strength, so I want to work on it a bit first. That way I can't walk in, suck at it immediately, and then decide never to do it again.

 

Elemeeeeeents is great for core strength etc. I hear.

 

Quote

Drunk guy at Hooters

 

I read the whole thing, but I feel like this gave me all the core information I really needed. What a waste of water and protein.

 

Quote

This is a thing to discuss with a therapist if anyone ever deigns to answer my emails, but I definitely have a thing about like, being wronged? And also being accused of doing something wrong when I didn't? Obviously no one likes either scenario but I will dwell on things forever. I mean I literally haven't worked at Stop & Shop since 2013 but every so often I'll remember some situation where a customer was an asshole for no reason and everything was apparently my fault and I'll just seethe over it. 

17 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

It probably has to do with growing up that way. What you just described is how your family treated you growing up and still does to you to this day. You don't like it, but are used to it, and all the baggage they've dumped on you has said you aren't allowed to get mad about it. When randos do it to you you get angry at them and some of the repressed anger at your family comes out.

 

FWIW Tank said basically what I was thinking. Like, you were peppered with criticism and commentary small and large throughout your childhood, constantly. Trained to be on the lookout for it, to be affected by it. So when people criticize you unfairly I think it's it really hard to brush off because your brain doesn't actually have a well-established pathway for deciding "that criticism isn't true and doesn't matter" and just moving on. You've been trained that criticism always has to be paid attention to and processed/acknowledged in some way...so when you're faced with something you know you shouldn't need to take on, you're kind of stuck because you know it's bullshit but you can't seem to disregard it and stop thinking about it despite wanting to.

 

Quote

The Greatest Showman. The music wasn't bad but overall I wasn't totally impressed? Maybe I'm just bitter. (Also the last move I saw in theaters was Into the Woods, which my mother invited herself to and then ruined for me, so maybe going to the movies to see a musical and escape my father was not actually the best choice.)

 

Oooh. I was curious about that because I like Hugh Jackman and musicals. But the circus theme is really not my jam. I'll watch it when it comes to streaming I guess.

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4 hours ago, Severine said:

Just wait until you have 86 new likes, and then you'll curse my name.

She curses mine all the time for this reason LOL

 

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21 hours ago, fleaball said:

Tbh it's probably why I got so anxious about going to your place, because it would still warrant an interrogation when I came home. ("Why did you have to go to your friend's house to cook? What did you make? Why didn't you make it here? Why did you use such weird ingredients? Why does it smell funny? Are you actually going to eat it or is it just going to go bad in the fridge?")

 

So... your dad has boundary issues. They do not have to be your boundary issues. You do not have to let him know enough to even begin questioning you like this. You are entitled to a private, adult life. Your dad is not entitled to your life. He does not own you.

 

When he asks what you're doing, you can tell him you're "just going out." If he asks where or to do what, say "I have a couple things on my agenda." Shrug if you feel like it. If he presses you for more information, tell him, "I'll be safe," smile, and add "Gotta go, see you later." Then leave immediately. When you get home, if he asks where you've been, tell him you had a good time and were safe. Or if that's not true, say you're tired and don't feel up to talking. Again, leave immediately. If you have a prop he's likely to ask about, like food you cooked at Severine's house, and he asks "what's that" tell him it's yours and leave it at that. 

 

I know he rages and it's hard to enforce privacy and he's pushy and you might not be used to pushing back (or maybe you are, and feel like it doesn't work). But remember, you don't owe it to him to put up with his invasive questions. Try stonewalling him. Try being evasive. Let him tie himself in knots trying to figure it out. Maybe he'll be surprisingly easily dissuaded. Maybe he'll be a big pain in the ass. Stand firm! It's ok to enforce boundaries. It might take some adjusting at first, but you'll probably be happier for it in the long run. 

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2 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

 

So... your dad has boundary issues. They do not have to be your boundary issues. You do not have to let him know enough to even begin questioning you like this. You are entitled to a private, adult life. Your dad is not entitled to your life. He does not own you.

 

When he asks what you're doing, you can tell him you're "just going out." If he asks where or to do what, say "I have a couple things on my agenda." Shrug if you feel like it. If he presses you for more information, tell him, "I'll be safe," smile, and add "Gotta go, see you later." Then leave immediately. When you get home, if he asks where you've been, tell him you had a good time and were safe. Or if that's not true, say you're tired and don't feel up to talking. Again, leave immediately. If you have a prop he's likely to ask about, like food you cooked at Severine's house, and he asks "what's that" tell him it's yours and leave it at that. 

 

I know he rages and it's hard to enforce privacy and he's pushy and you might not be used to pushing back (or maybe you are, and feel like it doesn't work). But remember, you don't owe it to him to put up with his invasive questions. Try stonewalling him. Try being evasive. Let him tie himself in knots trying to figure it out. Maybe he'll be surprisingly easily dissuaded. Maybe he'll be a big pain in the ass. Stand firm! It's ok to enforce boundaries. It might take some adjusting at first, but you'll probably be happier for it in the long run. 

Yes. My dad was much like this toward me growing up and he still is to my mom to some extent. It took me hanging up on him mid-sentence during one of his berating rants in college and unplugging my dorm phone for the rest of the weekend for him to finally get that he... can't actually make me answer questions or justify my shit to him. He can ask, but I don't have to answer. Our relationship actually got a lot better after that. He still gets obnoxious sometimes, but I've learned to turn off all emotional responses (most of the time) and it works like a charm.

 

Now, you're not in a position where you can hang up the phone on him, but you can get up and leave the room. Make him follow you around the house as you stonewall him and do other things. Hell, open a book and just start reading if you have to. Even if you aren't actually reading. It may take a while, but believe me, he'll catch on. I'm not a behaviorist, but you answering all his questions and getting frustrated is likely positively reinforcing his behavior. It's attention. Lashing out at him still gives him attention, bowing to his every query gives him attention and lets him know he still has power. Getting frustrated lets him know he has power. I'm serious, here. He sounds like a child, so treat him that way. Not in a mean way, just... like you would a young cousin or kid you were babysitting. Would you let a 5 year old incessantly ask you questions? The answer to that should be no, because you're the adult in this relationship, and he should respect your boundaries.

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2 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

 

So... your dad has boundary issues. They do not have to be your boundary issues. You do not have to let him know enough to even begin questioning you like this. You are entitled to a private, adult life. Your dad is not entitled to your life. He does not own you.

 

When he asks what you're doing, you can tell him you're "just going out." If he asks where or to do what, say "I have a couple things on my agenda." Shrug if you feel like it. If he presses you for more information, tell him, "I'll be safe," smile, and add "Gotta go, see you later." Then leave immediately. When you get home, if he asks where you've been, tell him you had a good time and were safe. Or if that's not true, say you're tired and don't feel up to talking. Again, leave immediately. If you have a prop he's likely to ask about, like food you cooked at Severine's house, and he asks "what's that" tell him it's yours and leave it at that. 

 

I know he rages and it's hard to enforce privacy and he's pushy and you might not be used to pushing back (or maybe you are, and feel like it doesn't work). But remember, you don't owe it to him to put up with his invasive questions. Try stonewalling him. Try being evasive. Let him tie himself in knots trying to figure it out. Maybe he'll be surprisingly easily dissuaded. Maybe he'll be a big pain in the ass. Stand firm! It's ok to enforce boundaries. It might take some adjusting at first, but you'll probably be happier for it in the long run. 

My father is an emotionally volatile toddler. With guns. I have no desire to change the status quo more than strictly necessary until I have somewhere else to live. 

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Just now, fleaball said:

My father is an emotionally volatile toddler. With guns. I have no desire to change the status quo more than strictly necessary until I have somewhere else to live. 

That's 100% reasonable. Please don't get shot. 

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