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fleaball

Year of the Flea

Starting the Year off Right: Poll Tiem!  

26 members have voted

  1. 1. Is this gonna be your year?

    • FUCK YEAH!
      17
    • Damn right!
      6
    • YES but I don't like cursing!
      3


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My father is an emotionally volatile toddler. With guns. I have no desire to change the status quo more than strictly necessary until I have somewhere else to live. 
I can't tell whether you're being flippant or not (yay internet) but if you honestly think your dad would threaten you or harm you for trying to assert boundaries, you should probably think about leaving sooner rather than later, even if it means shacking up with someone else for a while. My dad also has a huge temper and a wide variety of weapons (he literally trained people how to do various things, I don't even know if I know them all), but not once did I ever think he was going to hurt me.

Sorry to be That Guy, especially if you are just being flippant, but we just had someone in our community and her sister die to domestic violence, so I take that shit pretty seriously. If you think he'd hurt you, then let us know how we can help get you out of there sooner rather than later.
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40 minutes ago, Cataleya said:

I can't tell whether you're being flippant or not (yay internet) but if you honestly think your dad would threaten you or harm you for trying to assert boundaries, you should probably think about leaving sooner rather than later, even if it means shacking up with someone else for a while. My dad also has a huge temper and a wide variety of weapons (he literally trained people how to do various things, I don't even know if I know them all), but not once did I ever think he was going to hurt me.

Sorry to be That Guy, especially if you are just being flippant, but we just had someone in our community and her sister die to domestic violence, so I take that shit pretty seriously. If you think he'd hurt you, then let us know how we can help get you out of there sooner rather than later.

Do I think he would retaliate the first time I tell him off for something? No. But I’m not interested in finding out whether there’s a point where that would change. This is a man who does not regulate his emotions well, is perpetually a victim of everyone else’s machinations and is never at fault even for things that are quite obviously his fault, takes no responsibility for anything, and literally drove me out of the house yesterday because he was throwing a tantrum over not being able to log in to his brand new computer that I set up for him and showed him how to use less than 24 hours prior. I don’t spend my days living in fear, but if he’s going to snap one day, “my daughter lives in my house for free and eats my food etc etc and constantly disrespects me when I try to have a conversation” is not going to be one of the reasons. And yes, he genuinely believes that asking a million questions and then criticizing answers he doesn’t like or things he doesn’t understand is having a conversation.  

 

I know my father has boundary issues. I know he has a lot of issues, because I’ve had to deal with him for 30 years. I am actively trying to remove myself from this situation so I that I can live somewhere where I can rebuild my shattered mental health without having to deal with his bullshit every day. But I’m not going to make it that much more difficult for myself because people on the Internet dole out advice based on incomplete information. 

 

For what it’s worth, I believe he would turn the gun on himself before me. But I’m not looking to test that hypothesis, nor to add it to the already extensive list of things to work on with a therapist. 

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I'm completely out of step with your thread.

BUT I wanted to get back to the whole worry tree and letting go of worry.

 

There was this time I read a wonderful book called The happiness trap by Russ Harris.

I would recommend it. He writes about ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy).

I haven't done much with the knowledge in the book, and I should, because it has helped me.

 

It focuses on things like defusion. Taking a step back from your thoughts.

For example thinking "I am X" (insert anything), and replacing that with "I'm having the thought that I am x"

and then replacing that with "I notice I'm having the thought that I am x".

 

The trick is to accept your thoughts instead of fighting them. Which makes them more likely to go away.

"Letting go" is often very difficult. Instead just thank your mind for letting you know these things.

Put focus and attention on it and accept they are just thoughts in your head.

 

That's basically the idea and the book gives lots of exercises to learn the techniques.

 

EDIT: Managed to catch up. All I can say is... I don't know any advice about crappy parents. I don't have any experience or knowledge on the subject. So Instead I just wish you well and hope you get out soon.

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I'm not implying you aren't working on things, flea. I don't think anyone is. I think as things come up, people want to offer insight and ideas, and of course you know your situation better than anyone else and know what advice to take and what not to take. Same with any of our threads. I apologize if I pushed any buttons, I just got super worried there for a second when you specifically brought up that he has guns. Like I said, we recently lost two young women to a scenario like that, and coupled with my own anxiety about death and the fact that I've grown quite fond of you and want to see you leave and grow and flourish, and I got nervous. I apologize if I was out of line.

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Finally got caught up and following. Dad stuff sucks. My own Dad has played the victim game forever. I look forward to seeing you hit your goals

 

 

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This week is zero week 2.0 because fuck everything, that’s why.

 

- Ordered a reusable coffee filter but apparently it’s out of stock and I won’t get it til a week from today.

 

- Did the first yoga video last night and my ankle is swollen because apparently stretching is bad. Also realized my knees are a lot more fucked than I thought. PT is scheduled for next week but I’m strongly considering swapping out yoga for all sorts of PT exercises until I hit a point where my ankle doesn’t protest the mere thought of stretching wrong.

 

- Have not flossed, but I have been doing the mouthwash. I have a dentist appointment Monday to check out a tooth that’s been bothering me for way too long already and for peace of mind I’m going to ask about the flossing thing and if it’s possible that that’s how I got the infection that needed the root canal. 

 

- Acid reflux choices are present in my mind but I haven’t made many good choices because of course I haven’t. 

 

Went out to do Lyft yesterday, drove around for 45 minutes with no hits, so I gave up. Of course then according to the news we were expecting like 4-8” of snow tomorrow. Now it’s up to 8-12”. Obv not going driving tomorrow. Getting ready to go now, but first I have to hit the grocery store and it’s going to be miserable. I’m probably not going to make enough money this week, between the storms tomorrow and just the fact that students at the 800 colleges in the area are all still home on Christmas break so it’s super fucking slow. Whee. 

 

Plan for tomorrow while on house arrest is to declutter more shit and look for new jobs. If I’m lucky, maybe my father will get stuck at work doing overtime. 

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36 minutes ago, fleaball said:

If I’m lucky, maybe my father will get stuck at work doing overtime

Nope, I have offended one or more gods somehow. He’s calling in sick tomorrow and probably Friday. Which is great because I don’t know if I will be able to go out Friday either.

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2 hours ago, fleaball said:

Nope, I have offended one or more gods somehow. He’s calling in sick tomorrow and probably Friday. Which is great because I don’t know if I will be able to go out Friday either.

 

*Hugs* Hubby and I have been saying that too. Which gods did we offend and how do we make it up to them. Good luck hiding from your dad. and stay warm.

*hugs*

 

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16 minutes ago, Wobbegong said:

My friend just sent me this NPR report about your terrible weather. Apparently you're getting the snow version of a hurricane? Sounds awful. Stay safe.

 

Also tagging @Sylvaa and @Severine who I know are in your area-ish. 

 

Thanks for the concern! I am actually no longer working in that area and I live in Central PA (where we are slated to get nothing). So all good thoughts to everyone else instead!

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2 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

My friend just sent me this NPR report about your terrible weather. Apparently you're getting the snow version of a hurricane? Sounds awful. Stay safe.

 

Also tagging @Sylvaa and @Severine who I know are in your area-ish. 

Yeah I am not fucking excited. Like 10-15 inches of snow is annoying but not ridiculously awful. But 30-50 mph wind on top of it? Fuck that shit, man. And then the high on Friday is 12F, Saturday is 5F, and overnight lows are in the negatives. So what I'm mostly concerned about is a) losing power tomorrow [and what do we do if it happens because cats] and b.) all that shit freezing immediately after. I have no idea what our roof looks like but I know there hasn't been any work done on it since I've been alive. They bought the house a year and a half before I was born and I don't remember hearing anything about work being done before I came around. 

 

1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

 

Thanks for the concern! I am actually no longer working in that area and I live in Central PA (where we are slated to get nothing). So all good thoughts to everyone else instead!

You can have mine. It's cool.

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Yoga is off the table tonight, as my ankle is angry about last night still and I can't fully extend my other leg because my knees hate me. Will do ankle PT exercises and my shoulder could probably use it too. Ah, fuck it. Changing it in my spreadsheet and the first post. At least until I see PT guy next week. 

 

Bought K-cups and instant oatmeal for tomorrow. So of course as soon as I buy the coffee, Amazon says my filter has been shipped and will arrive Friday. There's no way it's actually arriving Friday so I don't really care, but the timing warranted an eye roll. 

 

Driving was decent today. Between today and Monday I made enough to pay for the rental, so whatever I make the rest of the week is mine. If I can get out Friday I have a shot at making decent money. Not what I'd hoped to make, but it'll be something.

 

Was going to write a lot more but suddenly it's 3am? I am also overcome with anxiety. My father is off tomorrow and now my brother is too. (Because one of his coworkers asked him to switch for Friday, thinking coworker would have an easier time getting to work tomorrow in the storm, by public transit, than on Friday? So I'll be cooped up with the two of them. And I'm while I'm not worried about the storm, I'm anxious about it. Which looks ridiculous when you read it. But like, we've had this kind of shitty weather before. Maybe not a snow hurricane, because I don't remember hearing about a bomb anything before, but this is New England and blizzards are a thing. I don't know if it's the uncertainty of what comes after (can I drive Friday? will I be stuck here? will my father be home?) and the miserable temperatures Friday and Saturday, or just the news hyping it as usual or what. Hopefully I fall asleep soon and wake up less of a hot mess.

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9 hours ago, fleaball said:

Yeah I am not fucking excited. Like 10-15 inches of snow is annoying but not ridiculously awful. But 30-50 mph wind on top of it? Fuck that shit, man. And then the high on Friday is 12F, Saturday is 5F, and overnight lows are in the negatives. So what I'm mostly concerned about is a) losing power tomorrow [and what do we do if it happens because cats] and b.) all that shit freezing immediately after. I have no idea what our roof looks like but I know there hasn't been any work done on it since I've been alive. They bought the house a year and a half before I was born and I don't remember hearing anything about work being done before I came around. 

 

You can have mine. It's cool.

 

If it makes you feel any better, we are still getting hit with those temps. Tomorrow it's supposed to be 15, but we'll be under a wind chill advisory until Saturday (-10 to -20). When the kids all move out, we are moving South - want to come with?

 

Ugh, being stuck with your family would suck. But at least you don't have to worry about HAVING to go out driving if the weather sucks. Also, the last year I was up there that had bad weather, driving was a hot mess because no one could use public transportation (that was the year of a snowstorm every Monday). So you might be able to make bank if the roads aren't horrid!

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7 hours ago, fleaball said:

 And I'm while I'm not worried about the storm, I'm anxious about it.

 

This makes total sense. It happens here too in IL. We get massive snow storms occasionally. Even polar Vortexes. I know what and how to handle the storms, but we have an ice thing coming in Sunday and I am in that same Anxious space about it. Mine is more because we are suppose to have a party that day and FIL will be driving home that day, but yeah, its not like I am afraid the storm will take us out. Its just the what does the other side look like? Can I still have a party, will FIL make it home okay?


Long story short, I Consider this normal. Unlike my grandmother who decided after being through all of this for 60 years that the snow was going to kill us all or my mom who is starting to do the same thing "Well, it snowed, I don't want to go out there."

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6 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

When the kids all move out, we are moving South

Where south? Asking for a friend :lol: 

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Just now, RES said:

Where south? Asking for a friend :lol: 

 

Probably NC. Florida is too close to my parents. :D But we will be down outside of Orlando at some point this summer..... 

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Yeah the snow here is dumb. So far we've gotten more than forecast and it's still snowing. Mayor of Boston already cancelled school for tomorrow despite the fact that the snow is supposed to stop tonight (I guess they're expecting cleanup to not be done in time? who knows) but if past storms are anything to go on it'll be perfectly driveable tomorrow so hopefully lots of people want to take lyfts. Public transit is definitely not running at full capacity. Red line was a dumpster fire yesterday. 

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I am grumpy as hell because my parents bought a snow blower the year I went to grad school. I don’t mind shoveling in and of it itself, but we have over a foot of snow, two cars to shovel out of the driveway, and we have to shovel out from the driveway into the street because everyone parked on our side of the street so the plow went down the other side. So there’s like an extra car length to shovel, basically. 

 

But the the snow blower has never been used. Literally never. It’s buried in the garage somewhere. And you know who winds up doing most of the shoveling? Of course it’s me.

 

I just did the front steps, a path to the street, and 100 feet down the sidewalk to the driveway. (Yay living at the bottom of a hill.) And then I realized the back of my hoodie was riding up and I didn’t notice so snow was accumulating where my skin was exposed. I stopped and came inside. But there’s so much left to do. I’m going to make my brother do some when he gets up. My father said he’s going out again. I’ll go out in a bit once my skin stops being angry. It’s not red or anything and it’s warmed up so I’m probably just imagining that it’s bothering me. 

 

I don't know that I’ll be able to go out tomorrow. All I keep hearing from my father (who’s parked in front of me in the driveway and that’s the only way out) is “well I already told them I’m not going in tomorrow and I have nowhere to go so it’s fine, I don’t have to worry.” And I keep saying “well yeah but i want to go out tomorrow so I need to be able to get my car out.” And I get a noncommittal kind of “okay well we’ll see what we can do.” He’s also gone out a few times to clean off his own car but made no effort to do mine. (Or my mother’s but it’s basically just going to sit there until the snow melts anyway. Apparently from Monday on it’s going to be above freezing so that will help.)  But the biggest issue is that my street keeps getting plowed in. It leads onto a 3-lane (in each direction) state highway, so 3 lanes’ worth of snow hangs out at the end of my street. They plow our street less often than the highway, so we often wind up with buildup. When I was out shoveling earlier, you couldn’t even tell the end of our street had been plowed because it was just a wall. So even if we dig out my car and the entire driveway, unless they keep up with our street and/or some of my neighbors with trucks and SUVs manage to shove their way out and at least give us tire tracks to drive through, I’m still not going anywhere. And the wind chill tomorrow may get down to -25F (which I believe in Celsius is just Really Fucking Cold) so trying to dig out isn’t a great idea. Ugggggh. 

 

Its now 7pm and I haven’t done any of the things I wanted to do today. Sleeping in was good, although the cats took turns getting in my face and waking me up. I took an allergy med for the first time since I’ve moved back and holy shit I feel so much better? (My allergy was barely enough to register when they did the test, so I can coexist pretty well with them. Unless they decide to get near me while I’m sleeping.) I guess I’ll go make food and then go out again and then try to clean a bit? By clean I mean sort stuff to donate. I realized last week that despite purging a lot when I moved back, I still have Too Much Stuff. Mostly things that I don’t know what to do with or feel like I “shouldn’t” get rid of. (eg gifts I never liked but couldn’t return, like the one I’m staring at right now that’s making me angry just because it exists.) So I guess that’s my goal for the night: eat, shovel, declutter, and also email a few more therapists to see if anyone feels like answering me.

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Will move complaining about the snow situation to my battle log shortly because I really am trying to keep this thread challenge-focused and limit the complaining to the other. It's not a hard rule so if anyone wants to bring up my family bullshit here feel free. 

 

tl;dr a neighbor snow blowed (???) from the street to our driveway. He tends to do it whenever he's out with his machine. So my father's car is cleaned off and there's room to get it out of the driveway so mine is accessible. Pulling out of our street is still questionable. I'll set an alarm early-ish to see whether it's worth trying to go out tomorrow or just write it off. 

 

Challenge-wise: meh. I'm all gung-ho about challenges until they start. And then they start and I don't. Granted I hit roadblocks with 3/4 of them almost immediately but I'm just not interested anymore. 

 

Here's a thing: I am tired. Constantly tired. If I'm awake for more than 12 hours I'm ready to fall over. I just made an eye appointment for Tuesday to see if it's related but I don't feel like my vision has changed so who knows. I know my diet is crap and if I ate better I'd have more energy. But I swear I didn't feel this exhausted even when I was doing both grad school and work full-time. I have trouble falling asleep and I wake up wondering how soon I can go back to bed. I wish I didn't run hot all the time because I could probably benefit from one of those weighted blankets; unfortunately as it is I've been sleeping half naked, with a fan on, no blankets, and I still manage to wake up boiling. So a weighted blanket will probably kill me. I've noticed that I seem to fall asleep faster if I barricade myself with pillows, but that's not going to solve all my problems. I know it's probably also related to being mentally and emotionally exhausted and that I really need therapy, but that's also not helpful right now. it's so frustrating overall though, because there are so many instances of "I need to do the thing. Really need to. I'll probably even feel better if I do the thing. ...but I lack the energy to do the thing or to care enough about it." Which is especially unhelpful when you're trying to find a new job and also make a ton of money doing the one you're at. And also trying to do a challenge. My PT exercises are like 5 minutes a few times a day and most of the time I'm like "nope. too much energy required." 

 

Surprise, have lost the motivation to continue this post. I think I was trying to talk myself into a solution, but now I'm gonna just stare at the ceiling for a while.

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*hugs* Sometimes emotional/mental exhaustion is harder to deal with than Physical since you can't just take a nap.

 

I wish I had an idea on how to help, but I don't. so here are some hugs

tumblr_olzwe6iBS81s3n53to1_400.gif

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14 hours ago, fleaball said:

Here's a thing: I am tired. Constantly tired. If I'm awake for more than 12 hours I'm ready to fall over.

 

Just literally throwing random ideas out there, but do you have allergies or anything? I once worked in an office building where I kept getting headaches and feeling exhausted and I thought I was going insane because it seemed to only happen during the day - I'd feel better at home in the evenings, or on the weekends. I hated that job so I chalked it up to lack of motivation or psychosomatic issues, but then a couple years later a former coworker I was still friendly with told me that they found out the building had air quality issues and some old carpets that had been installed with glue that offgased toxic shit as it aged. Anyway, given that your house is older and probably has lots of dust and unaddressed maintenance issues, it's possible that in addition to the emotional/stress stuff (which I agree is probably a huge part) there's actually something there that makes it not a super healthy physical environment. Which might not be a helpful idea to even offer, since I know you're stuck there for now, but maybe it'd at least be nice to consider that it might be the place, not you. And give you hope that it'll rapidly get better once you're out.

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