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Sylvaa

[Sylvaa] Reboot

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Okay, so story time (repeat from FB if we are friends on there)

 

We got some money from my BIL for Christmas, so we decided to invest in a Google home device. We also got the girls minis (we are going to get the boys them at a later date, but didn't figure the boys would use them enough to warrant them atm). Well, we set up my daughter's device - no issues. Set up my step-daughter's device - she comes downstairs all full of sass because it's calling her B (my husband's name) instead of hers. My husband does some work to get it figured out and had my step-daughter ask Google what her name was. Google's answer? The Most Excellent Person in the World. 

 

This is why we can't have nice things.

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14 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

Okay, so story time (repeat from FB if we are friends on there)

 

We got some money from my BIL for Christmas, so we decided to invest in a Google home device. We also got the girls minis (we are going to get the boys them at a later date, but didn't figure the boys would use them enough to warrant them atm). Well, we set up my daughter's device - no issues. Set up my step-daughter's device - she comes downstairs all full of sass because it's calling her B (my husband's name) instead of hers. My husband does some work to get it figured out and had my step-daughter ask Google what her name was. Google's answer? The Most Excellent Person in the World. 

 

This is why we can't have nice things.

 

LOL. this is great.

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Sylvaa's being whiny:

 

Spoiler

I'm going through one of those points where I'm conflicted between wanting friends and being annoyed with people.

 

I feel like when I started, I wasn't talkative enough (or, in some cases, maybe too talkative) and people who started around the same time as me found groups of friends, but I did not. So I don't really feel like I have "close" relationships with people. And then the few I do are going through their own things and I acknowledge and understand that me being needy isn't super helpful to their needs. So I feel like I'm friendly with people, but not close.

 

And recently, I've noticed that I don't want to really comment and contribute to a lot of threads I used to. It's a combination of being annoyed with other people who hang out in those threads and annoyance with myself at my lack of ability to create lasting friendships on a forum.

 

It's not a matter of not being friendly, I think I'm okay there. It's a matter of not knowing what to do to create those friendships. And it definitely reflects into my everyday life. I'm not someone who actually opens up to people. Like, I have no friends I still truly stay in contact with from my school days or from previous jobs, or anything like that. And it's irritating me at the moment. 

 

Note: I guess if I'm looking for anything in my spoiler, it's advice as to how to truly make friends as an adult?

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I think all of us veterans go through periods where posting gets old, the threads all seem the same, etc. I usually back off and follow fewer threads for a challenge, which seems to help. I don't guess I have an answer other than to say I've been there.

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59 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

I guess if I'm looking for anything in my spoiler, it's advice as to how to truly make friends as an adult?

 

I just post topless photos. :D

 

Your spoiler resonates pretty deeply with me, though--particularly the bit about feeling friendly but not close.  I've lived on my own and moved so often for so long now that I don't really know if I know how to make friends.  The people who do make it in to my outer circles never really seem to be interested in my inner circles; and at this point I'm constantly wondering if it's something in me that's preventing them from getting to know me better while at the same time being annoyed that they might someday choose to try.

 

In terms of forum friends I think it's part that I've met some Rebels in real life and they're wonderful people, but it's still hard to be close with someone when you can't really be there for them; and part that we do get more of an inside track on each other in some ways so that it feels more intimate than it actually is.  I'm not sure I'm making sense there.  What I've noticed about the good and close friends I've had in the past was that proximity matters.

 

We're just getting to know another local family because Bubbles and her BFF are so close, and in the times MFG and I have gotten to talk to her parents we've all hit it off well and had a lot in common--in fact they're the ones we went to see TLJ with, and it was a blast.  But we haven't seen them since because they live a fair way out of town where we seldom go and because they have a butt-ton of kids too with all kinds of their own responsibilities and obligations.  When our paths cross it's fun, but it's not particularly frequent.  I'm going to make more of an effort to invite them over for meals and hang time.

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I can't really help unfortunately, because you've just described me to a T. There are times where I'll just be like, "Okay, not going to comment there for a while because ugh," and then I feel bad, and then I cycle between COMMENT ON ALL THE THREADS and let's just sit over here in the corner and watch from afar.

 

It's like that offline too. I've moved around a lot so it's hard for me to get too attached to people because I feel like by the time I get attached one of us will leave.

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1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

Sylvaa's being whiny:

 

  Hide contents

I'm going through one of those points where I'm conflicted between wanting friends and being annoyed with people.

 

I feel like when I started, I wasn't talkative enough (or, in some cases, maybe too talkative) and people who started around the same time as me found groups of friends, but I did not. So I don't really feel like I have "close" relationships with people. And then the few I do are going through their own things and I acknowledge and understand that me being needy isn't super helpful to their needs. So I feel like I'm friendly with people, but not close.

 

And recently, I've noticed that I don't want to really comment and contribute to a lot of threads I used to. It's a combination of being annoyed with other people who hang out in those threads and annoyance with myself at my lack of ability to create lasting friendships on a forum.

 

It's not a matter of not being friendly, I think I'm okay there. It's a matter of not knowing what to do to create those friendships. And it definitely reflects into my everyday life. I'm not someone who actually opens up to people. Like, I have no friends I still truly stay in contact with from my school days or from previous jobs, or anything like that. And it's irritating me at the moment. 

 

Note: I guess if I'm looking for anything in my spoiler, it's advice as to how to truly make friends as an adult?

I have no idea how making friends is supposed to happen. I feel like you just appeared in my thread one day and then I popped into yours and then we were friends? I think it's both easier and harder to do the friend thing online than in real life. Like here, we all already have the same general interests (fitness, nutrition, whatever) so there's something to latch onto there. And you can show off your personailty through gifs and how you write and you don't have to be worried about people judging your appearance or how you sound or whatever else you worry about. But then there's still usually a distance factor, and maybe not being able to contact people offline, etc. I'm super awful at making in-person friends, so I've got nothing on that front. Sorry.

 

Beyond that, I agree with Tank. I think there's an element of burnout? Because we're all talking about the same things. I definitely have points where I'll read the threads of people I care about and just have no desire to respond. I do care about you (general) and your struggles and successes but arrrrrrrgh. 

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8 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I think all of us veterans go through periods where posting gets old, the threads all seem the same, etc. I usually back off and follow fewer threads for a challenge, which seems to help. I don't guess I have an answer other than to say I've been there.

 

I do get like this sometimes, but it isn't quite the same this time. It's not so much burnout as it is general dissatisfaction with the way my online relationships go (if that makes sense?). 

 

15 minutes ago, DrFeelgood said:

I just post topless photos. :D

 

472648d92ae2084727f725062ba5d8db8372fbf3

 

15 minutes ago, DrFeelgood said:

Your spoiler resonates pretty deeply with me, though--particularly the bit about feeling friendly but not close.  I've lived on my own and moved so often for so long now that I don't really know if I know how to make friends.  The people who do make it in to my outer circles never really seem to be interested in my inner circles; and at this point I'm constantly wondering if it's something in me that's preventing them from getting to know me better while at the same time being annoyed that they might someday choose to try.

 

Yeah, this is very much me. I grew up as a glorified army brat, then moved a ton as an adult. Now that I'm established, I'm only in town on the weekends AND in most cases, I'm 10 - 15 years younger than my kids' parents, so it's even harder. 

 

I guess part of it is also that I've substituted online friendships for in person friendships for almost 20 years now (seriously, I still keep in contact with people from WoW from when my son was a baby). Where most adults either already have those friendships or have the ability to make those friendships. 

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2 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

I guess if I'm looking for anything in my spoiler, it's advice as to how to truly make friends as an adult?

 

I'm no help here because I'm an extrovert. I just try to be myself, and if people want to hang out with me, then awesome! :D

 

Serioisly, though, is there a set system to making friends as an adult? I usually see someone interesting, find something to comment on (hopefully something mutually interesting to the other person) and then let the conversation happen organically. If it's someone I see regularly, I repeat the process with something else interesting. It's different online, too, like irl I can tell if a person would rather not talk. But online it's difficult. I usually assume if someone comments on my posts, that means they want to talk, and maybe we can be friends, especially if we share some mutual interests. I consider you a friend, @annyshay, @fleaball and a few others who have been good to me since I started. I'm getting to know @Tanktimus the Encourager a little better.

 

Honestly, I can be a tough person to deal with sometimes, especially irl. If someone knows my bad habits and flaws and still wants to talk, I think we could be friends.

 

I think there is a system. Just be yourself, and if other people reach out then welcome them, but continue to be yourself. If they find you interesting and want to talk more, I'm sure it could grow into a friendship.

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21 minutes ago, Wolfen said:

 

I'm no help here because I'm an extrovert. I just try to be myself, and if people want to hang out with me, then awesome! :D

 

I doubt this works only for extroverts... :P

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Add me to the list of people who resemble your spoiler.

 

I struggle knowing what to say to people in posts as well which doesn't help at all.

The only suggestion I can make which would be NF specific is if you're interested in getting to know someone better, send them a PM instead of just posting on their thread?

PMs are a little more personal.

 

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You're pretty cool. I'd attempt to make friends with you IRL. Of course, since I'm painfully awkward you'd chase me off as a creepster...

No, I don't know how to make friends either. The adult route seems to be to make friends with your kid's friends parents, but I'm 15-20 years older than them. Same with our neighbors (we live in a starter neighborhood).

If you figure it out, let us know.

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59 minutes ago, Sloth the Enduring said:

You're pretty cool. I'd attempt to make friends with you IRL. Of course, since I'm painfully awkward you'd chase me off as a creepster...

No, I don't know how to make friends either. The adult route seems to be to make friends with your kid's friends parents, but I'm 15-20 years older than them. Same with our neighbors (we live in a starter neighborhood).

If you figure it out, let us know.

 

 So I don't have kids. I'm doomed to remain alone! :P

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5 hours ago, Wolfen said:

Serioisly, though, is there a set system to making friends as an adult?

Can't speak for Sylvaa, but I know when I ask the question it's basically "where do adults go to make friends?" Up through high school it's fairly obvious: you're stuck with the same people in all your classes, you probably have extracurriculars with those same kids or another set, odds are you find your people. College too, to a point, because you can join clubs/greek life/etc in the beginning, and by the end when you're taking most of your major courses you're probably stuck with the same people who are interested in the stuff you're interested in. And then suddenly you're an adult and you're working with people of all ages and backgrounds who have partners and families to go home to or second jobs or other adulty things and you're like "okay... what now?" 

 

I'm sure you know all this. I'm just outlining that for introverts it's both frustrating and scary because not only do you have to (gasp) ~talk to people~ if you want to make friends, you also have to figure out where to find them. Which is probably why I'll wind up with a dozen cats and a subscription to one of those bulk wine subscription things.

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I think the adult friend thing is different from person to person, so it seems to me that everyone has to find their own way, and that yes, it really is harder for a lot of us to both make and maintain friendships as an adult. The maintaining is extra, extra hard for me, and I deeply value longterm relationships. That's the part that kills me. I miss every friend I've ever lost. But people get married, have kids, move, or they can't hang on after I  myself change jobs, get married, have less time to hang out, whatever... or personalities change over time. For me, the best adult friends can hold on loosely and not let go, as the song goes, but many people can't maintain relationships this way. As an adult, I've also had to change my definition of "friend;" it's more inclusive than it used to be.

 

As far as online relationships go... I really like all you guys, but I consider you all to be "internet people." When and if we meet irl, you'll become just "people," and internet friends do not equate to real friends (for me)... that doesn't mean they aren't valuable. Internet friends are valuable to me. It's just apples to oranges, compared to real life relationships. I am not offended if people don't comment. I expect some distance on the internet and I expect that I am "internet people" to you guys also.

 

I only make friends on accident. I have more than I want. I mean it. I don't think I'm that friendly, but everyone else disagrees. I like to be alone, but I'm always surrounded by people, and I'm nice to people, and poof, they become friends, and then I have more friends than I have time to give the attention they need/deserve. I feel like that person that has 5 dogs but is never at home to spread the love. Not that I actually think of friends as dogs, but really - friends deserve things like attention on their birthdays and such - who doesn't? and I like to hide at home. Which is also full of people and dogs and rarely quiet. So.

 

What amazes me is when I accidentally make a new BEST friend as an adult - these tend to be people that I meet doing something fun (so we automatically have at least one common interest) and who lives far enough away that we can't see each other all the time, but we can see each other now and then (so we can communicate and visit meaningfully while still giving each other lots of distance, so every interaction winds up exceeding expectations).  My last three besties I made as an adult, spaced out over 10 years: One from a French class at the library, one at a Steampunk convention, and one in my office building (she responded to a bulletin board question that I had posted asking for help on bicycle maintenance). They were all lucky finds. Only one of them lives in-state. I made friends with ALL of them on accident; I think I actually tried not to befriend French class girl because I was sure I'd never see her again after class. I was wrong.  Point being, you never know where a surprise connection will happen. So I guess I follow the Wolfen method - be yourself, do things you like, talk with people you like, and see what happens.

 

I do observe friends who are more social, they actively go out searching for social encounters with large groups of people to make more friends on a regular basis. I am happy with just 1 or 2 friends, so I don't do this. But I see those that like larger social circles doing it. If my brother can't find anything more interesting to attend, he'll even go bar hopping looking for friends. The woman who sits near me at work is always running from one social group to another - gaming groups, medieval reenactment groups, convention groups, etc. I think the social butterflies make friends the same way as homebodies like me, they just increase their odds by meeting more people. For me, most of the time when I drift in and out of social groups I leave behind those acquaintances when I leave the social group (especially if it is a fitness based group, like a dance company or yoga studio community), but I guess it doesn't have to be that way. Maybe if I had ever tried I could have kept up with some of them...

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There is a quote by Andrew Carnegie that says something like, "You can make more friends by being interested in other people than you can by trying to get other people interested in you."

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20 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

I do get like this sometimes, but it isn't quite the same this time. It's not so much burnout as it is general dissatisfaction with the way my online relationships go (if that makes sense?). 

I don't understand. How do you perceive online relationships going in a way you don't want and how would you like one to go?

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18 hours ago, Wolfen said:

I consider you a friend, @annyshay,

The feeling is mutual, sir!

 

18 hours ago, Wolfen said:

 

I think there is a system. Just be yourself, and if other people reach out then welcome them, but continue to be yourself. If they find you interesting and want to talk more, I'm sure it could grow into a friendship.

Super introverted and this is my system. I just add reminding people that needing alone time does not mean I don’t want to spend time with them.

 

18 hours ago, scalyfreak said:

 

I doubt this works only for extroverts... :P

Yes!

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1 hour ago, annyshay said:

 

Super introverted and this is my system. I just add reminding people that needing alone time does not mean I don’t want to spend time with them.

 

I just send people this, and expect them to get the point. 

 

tumblr_m9kc4zEToW1qzmkoso1_1280.jpg

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9 minutes ago, scalyfreak said:

 

I just send people this, and expect them to get the point. 

 

tumblr_m9kc4zEToW1qzmkoso1_1280.jpg

I. Love. This!

 

My wife is an introvert, which makes for some occasional arguments when I am feeling clingy or needy. Sometimes she just wants me to be there next to her, even if we're both doing two completely different things. And on really good days she'll feel like snuggling (or more). The bad days are usually my fault because I want her to talk to me or for us to "do" something together, so I pressure or pester her and we both get irritable.

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The most important thing, that seems to be the most difficult concept for the extroverts in my life to wrap their head around is, I'm not avoiding you. I just need peace and quiet and time to myself, and the sooner you grow out of this absurd notion to take everything personally and realize it isn't, the easier it will be for us to remain friends.

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22 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

Yeah, this is very much me. I grew up as a glorified army brat, then moved a ton as an adult.

What is a glorified army brat?

-an army brat

 

Just now, scalyfreak said:

The most important thing, that seems to be the most difficult concept for the extroverts in my life to wrap their head around is, I'm not avoiding you. I just need peace and quiet and time to myself, and the sooner you grow out of this absurd notion to take everything personally and realize it isn't, the easier it will be for us to remain friends.

YES. 29578349857 THIS. CHRIST. I wish people would get that!

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17 hours ago, Sloth the Enduring said:

You're pretty cool. I'd attempt to make friends with you IRL. Of course, since I'm painfully awkward you'd chase me off as a creepster...

 

Nah, I've got some pretty painfully awkward friends (actually, one of which is close to your age. He's one of my original WoW friends).

 

16 hours ago, fleaball said:

Which is probably why I'll wind up with a dozen cats and a subscription to one of those bulk wine subscription things.

 

I literally see nothing wrong with this.

 

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I don't understand. How do you perceive online relationships going in a way you don't want and how would you like one to go?

 

There are a few threads (not commenting which ones), where I feel like I'm getting close to people, but then all of these new people come in and are automatically closer. And I guess it's one of those, "I've invested a lot of time into this, but just got pushed to the background" type reactions. Which, is sometimes understandable - because I do not want to discount that people view online relationships differently than others - I don't blame them for that. But it seems to be a common thread? And it could be that I am expending more effort than the other person, but I think I am going to just start going the pm route instead. 

 

1 hour ago, scalyfreak said:

The most important thing, that seems to be the most difficult concept for the extroverts in my life to wrap their head around is, I'm not avoiding you. I just need peace and quiet and time to myself, and the sooner you grow out of this absurd notion to take everything personally and realize it isn't, the easier it will be for us to remain friends.

 

Definitely this. I also struggle in my relationship with this as my husband is an extrovert. He's gotten better about respecting this need though.

 

1 hour ago, Cataleya said:

What is a glorified army brat?

-an army brat

 

My dad wasn't in the army, but he worked for the Department of the Army. So I did the traveling, but we didn't always live on base. 

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16 hours ago, fleaball said:

Which is probably why I'll wind up with a dozen cats and a subscription to one of those bulk wine subscription things.

 

34 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

I literally see nothing wrong with this.

 

I really didn't see this until now. My bad.

 

But I have now of course decided that my two cats and my monthly wine shipment subscription are things to be proud of. :devilish:

 

To whoever it was that said it's easier to make friends by being interested in others, than by making myself interesting: If you are fortunate enough to actually bump into a genuinely interesting person out there, feel free to send them my way. Most people I meet who seem interesting at first glance turn out to be predictable and boring as I get to know them better. It's almost as if they were only pretending to be interesting in order to make someone think they're interesting and worth getting to know... *eyeroll*

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