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Sylvaa

[Sylvaa] Reboot

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1 hour ago, Wolfen said:

My wife is an introvert, which makes for some occasional arguments when I am feeling clingy or needy. Sometimes she just wants me to be there next to her, even if we're both doing two completely different things. And on really good days she'll feel like snuggling (or more). The bad days are usually my fault because I want her to talk to me or for us to "do" something together, so I pressure or pester her and we both get irritable.

Sra. Tanque and I are lucky in that we are both introverts and just get it. We are perfectly content to sit next to each other reading or electronic-ing, or whatever.

 

12 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

There are a few threads (not commenting which ones), where I feel like I'm getting close to people, but then all of these new people come in and are automatically closer. And I guess it's one of those, "I've invested a lot of time into this, but just got pushed to the background" type reactions. Which, is sometimes understandable - because I do not want to discount that people view online relationships differently than others - I don't blame them for that. But it seems to be a common thread? And it could be that I am expending more effort than the other person, but I think I am going to just start going the pm route instead. 

I think I understand. It's like IRL when I have a friend I enjoy one on one, but when there are more people around I don't get that friend's undivided attention so it feels weird. 

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I'm a bit late to the party, but here of course. I don't want to be obnoxious and inundate you with a list of comments about stuff that you posted days and days ago, so I'll just say that I caught up and a lot of your anecdotes/conundrums made me chuckle or nod in agreement. Also I made some very questionable budgeting choices as a teenager (I once spent a weeks' worth of bus money on going to the movies and had to walk 45 minutes to school and 45 minutes back) so I have a bit of sympathy for your daughter  ;)

 

The friendship stuff is interesting to read people's thoughts about. It definitely seems like this is a thing a lot of adults deal with on one level or another. And I think as people get older, there are certain expected categories of friendships. Like work friends, or parents-of-my kids'-friends friendships, or neighbour friends, or whatever. And it seems like a lot of people don't actually have time to form any friendships outside of those realms because they have so much going on. And those people who are looking for friends, sometimes they have weird definitions of friends...like they just want someone to see a movie with once in a while because their partner has different taste than them, but they won't actually care about what's going on in your life or tell you about theirs in any honest way.

 

I guess a useful question to ask yourself, in the times you feel like you want more friendship in your life, is what you want it to provide. What emotional or social or intellectual needs are you hoping to fill? What kinds of interactions or people would you want?

 

I have recently been feeling kind of lonely in this regard too, mostly because one of my IRL best friends is very unreliable and distant sometimes (I've written about him in previous challenges) and so I have been trying to consciously shift my focus elsewhere. And so I find myself wanting to meet other friends, which basically means going to meetups or events or whatever and spending the time getting to know people well enough to see who I'm drawn to. I know how to do it, and I have faith that it'll work, eventually, but it's a lot of time and effort for something where you don't know how long it is until payoff!

 

I'm honestly not sure whether I'm an introvert or an extrovert because sometimes I feel like one and sometimes the other. I am both good and terrible at making friends. When I find a person I really click with, I can form a strong and deep friendship where we trust each other and feel free to talk about everything, and can spend time together in total comfort, etc. That's fantastic when it happens, but it's a super rare thing for me, like maybe four times in my whole life not counting romantic partners. When it comes to more surface-level 'friendships' I find them relatively easy to form and maintain but I also find them unsatisfying and draining most of the time, because I feel like I can't relax and be myself, but instead have to assume a certain 'sociable' persona and constantly monitor whether I'm doing socializing right. 

 

I've had good luck making solid-but-not-best friends online, but the challenge of staying involved in each others' lives in a meaningful way purely online is tricky. All of my longstanding good online friendships have eventually included some kind of IRL interaction, like attending people's weddings, or scheduling a weekend meetup, or whatever. Kind of like how you and Flea and NTB went OCRing together. I find those in-person interactions add a lot. I do get super anxious though, so that's a factor. Like I've hung out with @fleaball a couple of times IRL and I spend half the time worrying I'm annoying and saying stupid stuff and she doesn't really want to be there. Anxiety makes everything harder!

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My dad wasn't in the army, but he worked for the Department of the Army. So I did the traveling, but we didn't always live on base. 


Ah, I still count that as an army brat, though I guess I can also see how people might make that distinction. My dad was in the army but we didn't always live on base either, especially near the end of his career.
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5 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

He's gotten better about respecting this need though.

 

I'm working on it with my wife, as well. 20 years together, and most days I get it right, some days I don't. Never stop growing as a couple.

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I definitely appreciate everyone's insight. I'm learning that a lot of my irritation comes from expecting more from people than they are potentially willing to give. Which is understandable, considering I haven't discussed with them what the expectations of what our online friendship should consist of. 

 

Also, I have issues deciding the importance of friends. Like, I'm lonely. I definitely have people that I can reach out to. And for me, having them far away is an added bonus. Like, I have time to text people, but I don't have time to do a lot of things. So I need to make those texts / PM's a priority. So if that's the case, I have a smaller potential friend pool. I'd like to be able to do things with people, but the nice thing about NTB and Flea is that we don't have to do things all the time. I can take some weekends and not be with my family, but regularly is hard. Of note: there is probably a piece of this in terms of putting myself before my family, but my mom guilt  overrides my "me time" guilt. 

 

The caramel I made went into the fridge and the family forgot about it. They found it this evening. CARAMEL EVERYWHERE.

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1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

I definitely appreciate everyone's insight. I'm learning that a lot of my irritation comes from expecting more from people than they are potentially willing to give. Which is understandable, considering I haven't discussed with them what the expectations of what our online friendship should consist of. 

 

Also, I have issues deciding the importance of friends. Like, I'm lonely. I definitely have people that I can reach out to. And for me, having them far away is an added bonus. Like, I have time to text people, but I don't have time to do a lot of things. So I need to make those texts / PM's a priority. So if that's the case, I have a smaller potential friend pool. I'd like to be able to do things with people, but the nice thing about NTB and Flea is that we don't have to do things all the time. I can take some weekends and not be with my family, but regularly is hard. Of note: there is probably a piece of this in terms of putting myself before my family, but my mom guilt  overrides my "me time" guilt. 

 

The caramel I made went into the fridge and the family forgot about it. They found it this evening. CARAMEL EVERYWHERE.

I would say the constant travel your job requires exacerbates the situation.

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1 minute ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I would say the constant travel your job requires exacerbates the situation.

 

Yeah, it's one of those things that I can't necessarily tell whether it's a legitimate excuse or not. I mean, it is hard because I truly only have three days a week that I can even consider doing things with people. But other people have lives. 

 

It is getting easier as the kids get older too. I should make it a challenge goal to start taking a class on Saturday mornings or something to meet people. 

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5 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

I should make it a challenge goal to start taking a class on Saturday mornings or something to meet people. 

I thin that's a great idea!

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23 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

Yeah, it's one of those things that I can't necessarily tell whether it's a legitimate excuse or not. I mean, it is hard because I truly only have three days a week that I can even consider doing things with people. But other people have lives. 

 

It is getting easier as the kids get older too. I should make it a challenge goal to start taking a class on Saturday mornings or something to meet people. 

I go out bowling to be social. Joined the Match Club as well, so we go to other areas and bowl against teams. Get to meet quite a few people out there. Though most aroudn ehre are old fogies ;) 

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Maybe making friends is like being cool, where it doesn't happen if you try but it also doesn't happen if you don't try, so what the hell am I supposed to do?

 

Lots of good stuff here, but I didn't want to needlessly flood, so:

Spoiler

 

On 1/5/2018 at 3:40 PM, DrFeelgood said:

I just post topless photos. :D

 

Same.

a19.jpg

 

On 1/5/2018 at 3:50 PM, Cataleya said:

There are times where I'll just be like, "Okay, not going to comment there for a while because ugh," and then I feel bad, and then I cycle between COMMENT ON ALL THE THREADS and let's just sit over here in the corner and watch from afar.

 

Moderation is for cowards. :P

 

On 1/5/2018 at 10:13 PM, Sloth the Enduring said:

painfully awkward

 

This is a description that I am recently becoming aware of. I'm having these vivid memories of shit I said years ago that I'd have to actually shout out of my head. Usually while I'm driving. Unfortunately not always alone.

 

On 1/5/2018 at 11:15 PM, fleaball said:

Up through high school it's fairly obvious: you're stuck with the same people in all your classes, you probably have extracurriculars with those same kids or another set, odds are you find your people.

 

I thought in high school you made friends with the janitor?

 

Just kidding. The janitor hated me as well.

 

On 1/6/2018 at 8:41 AM, Wolfen said:

There is a quote by Andrew Carnegie that says something like, "You can make more friends by being interested in other people than you can by trying to get other people interested in you."

 

I think there is something to this. I've heard that charisma isn't convincing someone that you're the most interesting person; it's convincing them that they're the most interesting person.

 

 

On 1/6/2018 at 3:25 PM, Sylvaa said:

There are a few threads (not commenting which ones), where I feel like I'm getting close to people, but then all of these new people come in and are automatically closer. And I guess it's one of those, "I've invested a lot of time into this, but just got pushed to the background" type reactions. Which, is sometimes understandable - because I do not want to discount that people view online relationships differently than others - I don't blame them for that. But it seems to be a common thread? And it could be that I am expending more effort than the other person, but I think I am going to just start going the pm route instead.

 

Me on every thread.

 

And real life.

 

23 hours ago, scalyfreak said:

interesting at first glance turn out to be predictable and boring as I get to know them better. It's almost as if they were only pretending to be interesting in order to make someone think they're interesting and worth getting to know... *eyeroll*

 

Me on every thread.

 

And real life.

 

 

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I am horrible at making friends. For IRL, the common advice for adults is to find a meet-up or volunteering or some other group thing. So you'll have at least one thing in common. Of course, that requires an interesting group that also meets at a time when you're free (this is the part I'm stuck at). And then find an interesting person, get to know them, and somehow arrange to hangout outside of the group. I've never really gotten to the hanging out part. I've said "hey, we should hang out sometime!" And the response is always, "yeah, that'd be cool." And then nothing ever comes out of it...  I can't afford to really go to any movies or events (unless it's free), so that cuts out "hey, wanna go [something specific] on [specific day]". Plus my anxiety says "well, I suggested hanging out, but they haven't suggested anything or brought it up again, so they don't actually want to hang out with me because no one is going to say no to my face." So I never get to the making actual plans part. 

 

For forums, I guess for me it breaks down like this:

Internet people - I've seen them around, but I've never been on their thread, and they've never been on mine.

Internet acquaintance - We've posted on each other's threads, but not that often or started recently.

Internet friend - We regularly post on each other's threads, even if we don't have much to add.

Close internet friend - We also have PM conversations regularly.

(I guess somewhere between these would be Skyping and/or IMing or Facebook chat.)

Friend I met on the internet - We've met IRL a few times, would like to hang out again at some point, and can communicate offline (like texting).

 

(My anxiety works online too! I rarely PM anyone, cause why would they want to talk to me and I have no idea what to talk about.)

 

And I can't actually tell IRL when someone is not interested in talking or wants to change the subject or wants me to shut up. I've also seen plenty of people be all friendly with someone, and then go and say some pretty nasty things about them behind their back. Which just feeds the social anxiety monster.

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1 hour ago, zeroh13 said:

I've said "hey, we should hang out sometime!" And the response is always, "yeah, that'd be cool." And then nothing ever comes out of it...  I can't afford to really go to any movies or events (unless it's free), so that cuts out "hey, wanna go [something specific] on [specific day]". Plus my anxiety says "well, I suggested hanging out, but they haven't suggested anything or brought it up again, so they don't actually want to hang out with me because no one is going to say no to my face." So I never get to the making actual plans part.

 

My suggestion is a small change to the way you ask the question. Instead of suggesting a super vague future hangout, make a slightly more specific suggestion. Like, "Hey, I've been wanting to go hiking in local park/skating near city hall/to the museum on one of their free nights. Would you like to come along? I'm usually free on Saturdays and Wed nights." You don't need to spend money to invite them to a specific thing! If anything, your budget restriction is all the more reason for you to be the one to make the suggestions, so you can control the cost.

 

Try it! Suggest one specific thing, and give a general idea of your availability. You can always add "or something else that you'd like to do" at the end if you want to leave it open.

 

Most people suck at making plans. Most people are heavily affected by inertia. If you make a vague suggestion and then just leave it, you're basically making it the other person's job to do the work of thinking of a place, making plans, etc. Asking a more specific question is not pushy, it's a gift. It's the gift of putting in the effort to making it easy for the other person. Then they can accept your idea if they like it, or make adjustments as needed ( "I don't know how to skate, maybe we could just hang out for coffee" or "I can't do Wed night, how about Thurs?").

 

Think of it this way: If someone said they wanted to hang out with me, but didn't suggest anything remotely concrete and then never followed up, I would probably assume they didn't really mean it or weren't really interested, because otherwise they would have done something about it.

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11 minutes ago, Severine said:

 

My suggestion is a small change to the way you ask the question. Instead of suggesting a super vague future hangout, make a slightly more specific suggestion. Like, "Hey, I've been wanting to go hiking in local park/skating near city hall/to the museum on one of their free nights. Would you like to come along? I'm usually free on Saturdays and Wed nights." You don't need to spend money to invite them to a specific thing! If anything, your budget restriction is all the more reason for you to be the one to make the suggestions, so you can control the cost.

 

Try it! Suggest one specific thing, and give a general idea of your availability. You can always add "or something else that you'd like to do" at the end if you want to leave it open.

 

Most people suck at making plans. Most people are heavily affected by inertia. If you make a vague suggestion and then just leave it, you're basically making it the other person's job to do the work of thinking of a place, making plans, etc. Asking a more specific question is not pushy, it's a gift. It's the gift of putting in the effort to making it easy for the other person. Then they can accept your idea if they like it, or make adjustments as needed ( "I hate don't know how to skate, maybe we could just hang out for coffee" or "I can't do Wed night, how about Thurs?").

 

Think of it this way: If someone said they wanted to hang out with me, but didn't suggest anything remotely concrete and then never followed up, I would probably assume they didn't really mean it or weren't really interested, because otherwise they would have done something about it.

The main thing about asking a specific question is finding something specific to ask. Any free event or day is going to be overly crowded. 

 

I have said stuff like, "we can hang out at [place], I'm usually free Mondays and Tuesdays, just let me know." And they never get back to me about it...

 

But right now I don't have anyone IRL to ask. 

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On 1/5/2018 at 10:15 PM, fleaball said:

I'm sure you know all this. I'm just outlining that for introverts it's both frustrating and scary because not only do you have to (gasp) ~talk to people~ if you want to make friends, you also have to figure out where to find them. Which is probably why I'll wind up with a dozen cats and a subscription to one of those bulk wine subscription things.

 

I am the spoiler person. I was shocked recently when 2 different moms from Youngest's friends admitted I was the one they talked to the most about things. I was like "Wait, you mean I am a friend and not just your kids friend's mom?" That was weird and meant I had to mentally refile those people into friend.

 

On 1/6/2018 at 1:16 PM, Wolfen said:

I. Love. This!

 

My wife is an introvert, which makes for some occasional arguments when I am feeling clingy or needy. Sometimes she just wants me to be there next to her, even if we're both doing two completely different things. And on really good days she'll feel like snuggling (or more). The bad days are usually my fault because I want her to talk to me or for us to "do" something together, so I pressure or pester her and we both get irritable.

 

This actually happens in my chosen family. There can be like 10 people all in the same room, doing "family time" and all of them are doing different things. We were bring one of our extroverts new boyfriends into the mix and he was all worried we were like her. we said "nope, you just come do your thing, and it may be silent and that is okay." and then he was much happier.


Seriously tho, most of my friends are the extroverts that say "come here, you are mine now."

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15 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

For forums, I guess for me it breaks down like this:

Internet people - I've seen them around, but I've never been on their thread, and they've never been on mine.

Internet acquaintance - We've posted on each other's threads, but not that often or started recently.

Internet friend - We regularly post on each other's threads, even if we don't have much to add.

Close internet friend - We also have PM conversations regularly.

(I guess somewhere between these would be Skyping and/or IMing or Facebook chat.)

Friend I met on the internet - We've met IRL a few times, would like to hang out again at some point, and can communicate offline (like texting).

 

(My anxiety works online too! I rarely PM anyone, cause why would they want to talk to me and I have no idea what to talk about.)

 

All of this sounds about right. There is a similar system for in real life, but yeah. And Anxiety works on and offline. Like when I joined NF and I was afraid to bother the cool kids... I am getting better at that. (see me here bugging @Sylvaa)

 

15 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

And I can't actually tell IRL when someone is not interested in talking or wants to change the subject or wants me to shut up. I've also seen plenty of people be all friendly with someone, and then go and say some pretty nasty things about them behind their back. Which just feeds the social anxiety monster.

 

This. I hate trying to make friends because I have been called some pretty nasty things by people who I thought were my friends. So now, I tend to think no one wants to be friends with me except those who have known me for like 10+ years (aka Chosen family).

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4 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Seriously tho, most of my friends are the extroverts that say "come here, you are mine now."

 

I literally said this to Flea this weekend (okay, technically, I think it was, "I claimed you and you are mine" - which made me think of like, animals that lick things to get their scent on them - sorry Flea!).

 

In NC, it is a fantastic 41 degrees and I have never been happier. I also think I'm either getting sick of having temperature fluctuation related symptoms. 

 

Also, I broke off the corner of my laptop this weekend. I'm not really sure that I did anything, it might just be that the laptop itself is almost 5 years old. 

 

AND I did something to my ankle. I was running down the steps and it started hurting. :( 

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2 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

 

I literally said this to Flea this weekend (okay, technically, I think it was, "I claimed you and you are mine" - which made me think of like, animals that lick things to get their scent on them - sorry Flea!).

 

This is not the first time I have heard this said. At the same time, I have seen my friends lick someone and go "oops, your mine now" but its generally their SO.

 

2 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

In NC, it is a fantastic 41 degrees and I have never been happier. I also think I'm either getting sick of having temperature fluctuation related symptoms. 


I am jealous. Its warmer today, but it had freezing rain last night so outside is still grey and wet.

 

 

Feel better

 

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2 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

This is not the first time I have heard this said. At the same time, I have seen my friends lick someone and go "oops, your mine now" but its generally their SO.

 

I mean, I try hard not to lick my friends. But it happens.

 

2 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I am jealous. Its warmer today, but it had freezing rain last night so outside is still grey and wet.

 

Ugggggh! The school district my husband works for got out early due to snow, however my kids (who are in a school district about 30 miles South), apparently got nothing. So it seems like (luckily) the snow missed my house. Freezing rain is literally the worst though. Be safe!

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2 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

I mean, I try hard not to lick my friends. But it happens.

 

 

Just now, fleaball said:

PSA if anyone licks me we will immediately no longer be friends. I promise never to lick anyone in return. 

 

Not going to lie, there are times I have understood it. There are times less so or (I can just laugh at whoever got licked).  But thanks for the warning Flea. Good to know.

 

2 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

Ugggggh! The school district my husband works for got out early due to snow, however my kids (who are in a school district about 30 miles South), apparently got nothing. So it seems like (luckily) the snow missed my house. Freezing rain is literally the worst though. Be safe!

 

The Agents are suppose to go back tomorrow. Today was suppose to be a teacher institute day. Apparently they called off today. I slightly wonder how many teachers are going to be a bit unprepared tomorrow. I am not going to lie, I could use another day off, but they need routines back, so I am torn. However, I doubt they get off tomorrow since its just wet and gross but the freezing rain wasn't that bad.

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3 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I am jealous. Its warmer today, but it had freezing rain last night so outside is still grey and wet.

I am currently getting freezing rain. It had rained a bit before I started heading home, and started up again as I waited for the bus. So I walked very, very carefully home from the bus stop. Every sidewalk has a layer of ice on it. And it was dark. I'm actually surprised I didn't fall on my ass. I even moved my phone out of my back pocket so I wouldn't break it.

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I literally said this to Flea this weekend (okay, technically, I think it was, "I claimed you and you are mine" - which made me think of like, animals that lick things to get their scent on them - sorry Flea!).
 
In NC, it is a fantastic 41 degrees and I have never been happier. I also think I'm either getting sick of having temperature fluctuation related symptoms. 
 
Also, I broke off the corner of my laptop this weekend. I'm not really sure that I did anything, it might just be that the laptop itself is almost 5 years old. 
 
AND I did something to my ankle. I was running down the steps and it started hurting.  
Man this post was a rollercoaster. I was like haha aw, oh good, oh no, THAT'S TERRIBLE
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4 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

 I even moved my phone out of my back pocket so I wouldn't break it.

 

That is some impressive forethought.

 

Yay for not slipping!

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12 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

I am currently getting freezing rain. It had rained a bit before I started heading home, and started up again as I waited for the bus. So I walked very, very carefully home from the bus stop. Every sidewalk has a layer of ice on it. And it was dark. I'm actually surprised I didn't fall on my ass. I even moved my phone out of my back pocket so I wouldn't break it.

 

Okay, mom moment here. Get some YakTrax or something similar! I mean, I know a lot of people probably don't think about using ice grippers for daily walking, but I know when I worked in home care, employees were required to wear them if the weather was bad. 

 

Obviously, they aren't foolproof, because it is ice. But every little bit helps!

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