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Bean Sidhe

Bean Sidhe Vs Chaos - Back to the path

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On 1/7/2018 at 11:28 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

"Am I wasting my time and energy"

 

Not at all. You are making great strides. 

On 1/7/2018 at 2:41 PM, Severine said:

I think obviously for some people in some cases, the surgery might be worth it. But my friend is in a situation like me, where a lot of her eating is emotionally motivated. Having surgery might change the biological situation of stomach size or whatever, but it won't fix her reasons for wanting to overeat. In some cases people can get themselves in serious medical trouble if they keep trying to overeat despite their stomach no longer being big enough, and I'm a bit worried that might happen to my friend.

 

 

 

I know I'm late but I have to point this out in agreement. 

 

On 1/7/2018 at 5:55 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

I am a believer in grow and make what I can, and use real ingredients not things that are more chemical than organic. (and no, I don't usually buy the organic food for the record).

 

This takes time, real time. It's hard when results aren't instant. But the result when you make new habits and greater mindset is great when you reach it.

 

Reading your posts you sound like such a well rounded positive mom. The strength of your mind only follows.

 

Just a side note- I'm not against those surgeries, I'm just commenting because I know when your feeling your strongest a friend can influence different ideas. 

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22 minutes ago, Butternut said:

 

Not at all. You are making great strides. 

 

Thank you, I seem to be stuck in that weird point where I am in the middle of the forest/mess whatever and I can't see what is behind me or how much is ahead. All I see is the mess/forest. It sometimes takes hearing from the outside that I have gone farther than I think.

 

 

22 minutes ago, Butternut said:

 

This takes time, real time. It's hard when results aren't instant. But the result when you make new habits and greater mindset is great when you reach it.

 

I guess I never expected instant results. However, sometimes just proof that its working or having the scale show SOMETHING after all this time would be nice. But again, that is the whole, not knowing where I am and expecting the worst.

 

22 minutes ago, Butternut said:

Reading your posts you sound like such a well rounded positive mom. The strength of your mind only follows.

 

Thank you. I try to be positive, but I am much better at doing that for others and being their support. I never really learned to do it for myself because well, many reasons, but mostly, I don't believe I can do it right. I sort of not really joke that my default setting is guilt. I am always guilty for whatever is wrong.

 

22 minutes ago, Butternut said:

Just a side note- I'm not against those surgeries, I'm just commenting because I know when your feeling your strongest a friend can influence different ideas. 

Thank you. I am not against them for those who need them. The thing is, I don't know if I want that for myself. But at the same time, she seemed very stuck on me getting it, because I think she wants me to be happy/there now. But I am realistic that even if I lose all the weight tomorrow and a few other things, I will still find reasons to not be enough, to not be who I want to be. Instead, if I work for it, I fight for it, I might be able to change the parts of my brain that default to guilt, that give up too quickly, and thus make it all worth it. In a way, I need to train my brain the same as my body, the problem is, there are no exercises for the brain like there are the core or legs.

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I'm sure I know the answer to this given what you've said about your family before, but can you just tell the surprise Christmas folks to fuck off because your kids have shit to do that was, you know, planned in advance the way things should be? 

 

(I'm super mad on your behalf because that's so dumb, ugh. I know you'll find a way to make it work because that's what you've been trained to do, and you will gain a hundred superhero points for it because I guarantee I would just bluescreen trying to manage all the crap you manage. I can't even keep my own schedule straight but you manage several people and animals.)

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1 hour ago, Butternut said:

Guilt and shame is so much stronger then positivity.

 

I heard this quote the other day and I must share 

 

"Be the person your children know you are."

 

This I need to remember. Youngest Agent wants me to do American Ninja Warrior with her when she is old enough. But really, I would do anything for my kids, so maybe believe in myself for them should be doable.

 

32 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I'm sure I know the answer to this given what you've said about your family before, but can you just tell the surprise Christmas folks to fuck off because your kids have shit to do that was, you know, planned in advance the way things should be? 

 

Well, I could, but is it worth the hellfire and wraith after? Okay, not so much hellfire but this would be from the same people at Youngests Party that kept trying to make comments about how horrible the surprise family is. Even when the conversation had NOTHING To do with that topic.

 

32 minutes ago, fleaball said:

(I'm super mad on your behalf because that's so dumb, ugh. I know you'll find a way to make it work because that's what you've been trained to do, and you will gain a hundred superhero points for it because I guarantee I would just bluescreen trying to manage all the crap you manage. I can't even keep my own schedule straight but you manage several people and animals.)

 

Oh, don't get me wrong, I am mad. This Christmas was suppose to be on Christmas eve which is our house Christmas (generally we tell everyone to go away and its just our time with each other and our traditions and no one is allowed). We told them we would reschedule some of our stuff and make it work. Then due to weather they didn't make it. Fine, I said let me know when they are rescheduling. Then it sounded like we had a car going that way and I would be allowed to skip it. Suddenly yesterday they are driving up mid week and "well, you don't really have to be there, but it would be nice if you want to see your niece, your tiny tiny niece..."  So now, I am trying to figure out how to reschedule all of this when I have no wiggle room that day. and there was this gem "Oh, and they may not come up due to weather, so who knows."

But really, as far as the surprise family goes, meh. I stopped being mad years ago because they have to make it about them. I literally have to fade into a corner unless I can make it about them. However, Family function and I should be there. And since I am the child who does what is expected...

You would manage Flea, but we are also in very very different spots. And the only way I manage is technology. Do you have any idea how many google calendars I have so I can color coordinate things?  and I never said I don't bluescreen. I did that yesterday and I am well on my way there today.

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3 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

And since I am the child who does what is expected...

I would totally say fuck 'em and do what you had planned already. You have no wiggle room. They're being assholes about scheduling and there's no guarantee everyone will even be there. And you have boundaries, damnit!

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Your weight problem seems to be really big when you get suggested to do surgery. I personally think surgery should be considered just as last option, when you are really ill because of your weight or when you can't move on your own anymore. For all others it sounds like going the easy way: "When I do surgery I don't need to do hours of excercises or eat less and I get faster results." But that doesn't remove the source of the problem. For me for example the source is eating lots of chocolate out of frustration. And I removed it now from my meal plan.

I'm sure you can make it without surgery and then you can proudly say: I reached my goal the hard way but on my own!

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8 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

I would totally say fuck 'em and do what you had planned already. You have no wiggle room. They're being assholes about scheduling and there's no guarantee everyone will even be there. And you have boundaries, damnit!

 

But but the thing here is "Learn to say no but not to me. " I will make it work, We can't change any of the plans at this point, so it may be a swing by between 2 things for like 10 minutes, but then I will at least have been there.

 

2 hours ago, Akari said:

Your weight problem seems to be really big when you get suggested to do surgery. I personally think surgery should be considered just as last option, when you are really ill because of your weight or when you can't move on your own anymore. For all others it sounds like going the easy way: "When I do surgery I don't need to do hours of excercises or eat less and I get faster results." But that doesn't remove the source of the problem. For me for example the source is eating lots of chocolate out of frustration. And I removed it now from my meal plan.

I'm sure you can make it without surgery and then you can proudly say: I reached my goal the hard way but on my own!

 

This is what I am hoping for. The hard part is getting started.

 

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What the heck.. so apparently I managed to close the firefox window via some weird "key combo" That was unhelpful since i had my full post done. Grr

 

Monday was off. I spent half the day with 0 motivation and the other half the day going "This is the last day of break... do all the things." I am mad I didn't get more done, I mean I needed to do these things, and I just noped. Worse is I forgot to go out and get a Christmas gift for chosen family, so now I get to work out how to do that as well. I am tired of making more work for tomorrow me, but the me yesterday just didn't want to.

 

I did manage to get all of my goals done except for walking. About 7:30 pM I got a productivity burst and got some things done, but walking just didn't happen. I just couldn't convince myself to do it. Here is to hoping now that I am back at work, things go smoother as far as the walking goes.

 

Today things restart in the school for Agents world. I still have another week before my classes restart. Not going to lie, I really just want to say "nope" and quit. Its been nice not having to stress over all of it as much. But since I just talked Agent Eldest down about school restarting (his schedule changed and he is worried) I need to remember what I told him. (and then I got frustrated that he was trying to work "through' us to make his snack and while we were making lunch and he about cried. Great job mom).

 

Anyway, one good thing yesterday was I did manage to finish a For FUN fiction book. I was hoping to get through 2 of them before the end of break, and that was the first. I am not sure the 2nd will happen, but we will see. I go back to sitting in cars to pick up starting today.

I also had a very serious talk with Youngest Agent. It wasn't bad, but one of those talks that parents get to have. And then it ended in cuddle and huggle attacks, so we cuddled and all was well.

Here is my updated list from yesterday. Time to move forward today.

 

Goal

Description

1/8/2018

Nutrition

120 oz water

y

Strength

Leg lifts

30

 

sit ups

50

 

Reverse sit ups

15

 

Push ups

16

 

Balance Ball push ups

6

Flexibility

Wrist Extension Stretch

y

 

Upward dog/Child pose

y

 

Butterfly

y

 

Ballet/toe Touch

y

 

Meditating Groot

y

Life and Family

Spend time with Agents

y

 

One good thing

y

 

Plan

y

 

Be in bed by 11:30

y

 

Check seedlings

y

Fight Chaos

Pennisula/Island

y

Clean all these daily

Table

y

 

Desk

y

 

Bathroom up

y

 

Bathroom down

y

At least 5 minutes per room (at least one)

Bedroom

y

 

Computer room

y

 

Basement

y

 

Clean Half wall

y

Walking

Walk 10500 steps

7234

 

Walk 15 minutes a day

n

 

Walk to Mordor

y

 

Total points for day 13/15

Total points for entire challenge 117.05/150

 

Bonus Goals

1/8/2018

Eat dried apricots

y

Eat Banana

y

Eat yogurt

y

 

Total Bonus points for day 3/3   

Total bonus points for entire challenge 25/ 30

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Yay for reading a for-fun book! I hope that the Agents going back to school will bring a more predictable routine that will make things a little easier for you. Sometimes even when things are busier, it's better as long as they're predictable on a set schedule.

 

4 hours ago, Akari said:

For all others it sounds like going the easy way: "When I do surgery I don't need to do hours of excercises or eat less and I get faster results."

 

For the record, weight loss surgery actually does mean the person has to eat less. That's how it works - they shrink the size of your stomach or bypass your stomach entirely so that you can't eat or absorb nutrients normally. For example, I used to work with a woman who had it done, and she can only eat 4-6oz of food/liquid at a time. The weight loss that comes from surgery is from a calorie deficit, just the same way as if someone is choosing to eat less through a meal plan. The surgery just makes it so that you basically have no choice but to eat less because your body can't physically accommodate more.

 

This is part of what always baffled me about weight loss surgery. I don't understand why people are so attracted to it. Because it's not really an easy solution. It's expensive, painful, risky, and in the end you still end up eating way less food in order to lose weight.

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1 hour ago, Severine said:

This is part of what always baffled me about weight loss surgery. I don't understand why people are so attracted to it. Because it's not really an easy solution. It's expensive, painful, risky, and in the end you still end up eating way less food in order to lose weight.

In some cases, I think people hear "gastric bypass surgery" and their brain translates that to "fat loss surgery" and they conclude it's something like liposuction. (Which is also risky, potentially painful, and dangerous.) 

 

But everyone who has successfully lost weight with that surgery has done so through caloric deficit and, if they're smart, forcing themselves to exercise. Bean already exercises and is very aware of what she eats. So what would be the point in torturing herself? 

 

I have seen very, very small amounts of research indicating that gastric bypass can cause a kind of "reset" among the gut microbiome, and that can help with weight loss too. But if that's the effect you're after, why not just get a fecal transplant? (Aside from the fact that you'd have to find someone willing to do one, and it's not really accepted science yet.) 

 

I'm with Bean. Keep gastric bypass in your back pocket as an extreme last resort, but if you're not there yet, you're not there. Do it your way for as long as you can, and know that you have options. You got this. 

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18 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

This I need to remember. Youngest Agent wants me to do American Ninja Warrior with her when she is old enough. But really, I would do anything for my kids, so maybe believe in myself for them should be doable.

 

I think children see our best selves. 

 

 

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10 hours ago, Severine said:

Yay for reading a for-fun book! I hope that the Agents going back to school will bring a more predictable routine that will make things a little easier for you. Sometimes even when things are busier, it's better as long as they're predictable on a set schedule.

 

 

Thanks, as much as I hate to say it, the return to routine is nice. I hate the chaos, but its known chaos and sadly the Agents both do better with tighter schedules since they know what will be next.

I started the 2nd book. here is to hoping I finish it in time.

 

8 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

In some cases, I think people hear "gastric bypass surgery" and their brain translates that to "fat loss surgery" and they conclude it's something like liposuction. (Which is also risky, potentially painful, and dangerous.) 

 

But everyone who has successfully lost weight with that surgery has done so through caloric deficit and, if they're smart, forcing themselves to exercise. Bean already exercises and is very aware of what she eats. So what would be the point in torturing herself? 

 

I have seen very, very small amounts of research indicating that gastric bypass can cause a kind of "reset" among the gut microbiome, and that can help with weight loss too. But if that's the effect you're after, why not just get a fecal transplant? (Aside from the fact that you'd have to find someone willing to do one, and it's not really accepted science yet.) 

 

I'm with Bean. Keep gastric bypass in your back pocket as an extreme last resort, but if you're not there yet, you're not there. Do it your way for as long as you can, and know that you have options. You got this. 

 

Pretty much, I am hoping to add calorie tracking next challenge IF IF I don't have a brain melt from the classes starting. Really, I need to remember I am not outrunning the fork here. That is usually my issue. We will see.

 

3 hours ago, Butternut said:

 

I think children see our best selves. 

 

 

 

This is wonderful. Thank you.
 

 

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Never thought I would say this, but I am glad I went back to work.

Things sort of fell into a more normal routine with us having to get out the door. I will say aside from me be a bit short with Eldest things went well and we were all ready to roll to get moving. Although yesterday was supplies day, which means all my stuff came in for the semester. Which mean it was also weight day since that meant lifting and moving 30-40 lb boxes of supplies (dead things mostly) and in some cases lifting these thing above my head to fit on shelves. Not going to lie, I was rather proud that I could still do it, but my arms were a bit like jelly when I was done.

I also ended up going out with the family to get that last present last night, which broke dinner. Not happy we had to do it, but I am glad it is done. Hubby got everything wrapped for me and we are about ready there.

 

Between those 2 things I almost had my walking goal, but I did manage to get on the treadmill last night, so I went well past my goal. It was finally nice to enter a higher number into the Walk to Mordor stuff. Not going to lie, I am sad my progress has been slow, but being off work does that.

 

Oh, and may I just say I have cupcakes on my counter from Youngest's birthday and I haven't touched them yet. I considered it after the treadmill but decided food was too much effort.

One good thing was getting back to work and finding out we are getting rid of some dumb things I had been asked to do. So that frees up some time people didn't think was much time at all (Uh, more than you think with as little as I have).

I spent a good chunk of the day talking to Eldest about his first day back. The schedule changes had him all upset because it was not his routine and he didn't think he could find anything since we didn't walk it. He felt better after school because it was mostly the same teachers and rooms, just different order and he realized he knew a couple of guys in his classes. And he still had lunch with the friends from last semester.

 

Goal

Description

1/9/2018

Nutrition

120 oz water

y

Strength

Leg lifts

25

 

sit ups

60

 

Reverse sit ups

16

 

Push ups

16

 

Balance Ball push ups

5

Flexibility

Wrist Extension Stretch

y

 

Upward dog/Child pose

y

 

Butterfly

y

 

Ballet/toe Touch

y

 

Meditating Groot

y

Life and Family

Spend time with Agents

y

 

One good thing

y

 

Plan

y

 

Be in bed by 11:30

y

 

Check seedlings

y

Fight Chaos

Pennisula/Island

y

Clean all these daily

Table

y

 

Desk

y

 

Bathroom up

y

 

Bathroom down

y

At least 5 minutes per room (at least one)

Bedroom

y

 

Computer room

y

 

Basement

y

 

Clean Half wall

y

Walking

Walk 10500 steps

12788

 

Walk 15 minutes a day

y

 

Walk to Mordor

y

 

Total points for day 15/15

Total points for entire challenge 132.05/165

 

Bonus Goals

1/9/2018

Eat dried apricots

y

Eat Banana

y

Eat yogurt

y

 

Total Bonus points for day 3/3   

Total bonus points for entire challenge 28/ 33

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Sounds like you really killed it yesterday! Everything you mentioned happening sounds like it was either 100% in the "good things" column or was very quick and not too bad (being short with Eldest). I'm calling "arms feeling like jelly" 100% good. I'm very impressed with you! Keep at it, Bean, you totally got this!

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19 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

Sounds like you really killed it yesterday! Everything you mentioned happening sounds like it was either 100% in the "good things" column or was very quick and not too bad (being short with Eldest). I'm calling "arms feeling like jelly" 100% good. I'm very impressed with you! Keep at it, Bean, you totally got this!

 

Thanks, I needed to hear that today. Will explain in a minute.

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So, this SHOULD be my update from Weds. Except I kinda said forget the challenge last night.

Yesterday was going to be the surprise Christmas on top of an already very full day. I was going to make it work, and it did for the parts I had control over. I tried typing this out, but I am still very mad about how things went down. Needless to say we were dismissed and I never actually talked to the family that came up. I stressed my whole day about making this work, and I never got to talk to them since we were kicked out so they could have dinner. Do note, I was trying to be very clear about our plans when no one else was.

Now, I get to deal with the passive aggressive shit from my family about what happened and the "this is what they said to me". For a few days. I am hurt, I am feeling very worthless, because I am the one who shows up, I am the one who does everything that is expected, and this is how I get treated." The Agents were confused, so I had to explain what happened to them.

As a result, I got home, and No challenge stuff was done. I almost didn't even count yesterday since I came home and was mad and crying for like an hour and a half. I went to bed upset and sadly, I just woke up still feeling really just defeated and run over. I am hoping to shake it, but really, it may not happen for a bit.

I added in my points from yesterday anyway. Since the challenge doesn't care if my day went to hell. I don't feel like putting up the form, so lets just say I got 6 out of 15 pts and 2 out of 3 bonus points. Totals are 138.05/180 and 30/36 bonus.

Oh, and add to  that, I came home to about 4 cancellations for Chosen Family Christmas. Which didn't help the feeling of "why do I bother." Now, their reasons are all legitimate (Sickness, vehicle or weather concerns) but I started feeling like the One Christmas I was going to enjoy is going down the tubes too. This is not helping my need to cry.

So that is where I am today and I do not want to go and try and function today. But laying in bed and crying won't help. Even when I get the responses from my family later.

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Sorry things went so poorly. It can be heartbreaking when we put work into something and it feels like other people take it for granted or don't notice. 

 

When that happens to me I try to take a break from organizing things and let myself heal, and in the meantime I focus my energy on people who reliably demonstrate that they care, like my immediate family.

 

Offering solidarity e-hugs!

giphy.gif

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Oh man, Bean, talk about a rough day. I'm so sorry things turned out like that. I'm with Severine, I'd say take a break from all of the planning you do that isn't immediately urgent and focus on yourself and your immediate family for a while. I'm glad to hear you got a good cry in, at least? That can be freeing, in its way. 

 

I hope today goes much better, but even if it doesn't I know one way or another you'll make it through. Let me know if there's anything I can do to make it easier, though, I'd be happy to help. 

 

tenor.gif?itemid=4532642

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Sometimes a little crying, or a lot, is just what you need. You carry a lot, all day, every day. In fact, here's an excerpt about all the good reasons for crying:

"Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones."(from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201007/the-health-benefits-tears

 

You might just need to do that to give yourself a boost and get back on track, like you always do. Do things for you, even if you're doing it because you have to, focus on the good reason for you to do it and don't let the rest get you down. You can do things to set good examples for your kids. You can do things so you'll have no regrets. You can do it be the better person. You can do it because part of it will be fun. You can do it because you want to even :) 

 

Hugs Bean!

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Bean, I am so sorry that happened! I haven't understood well though: did they invite you last minute and then didn't allow you in when you show up? The jerks!
You are so wonderful and if they don't appreciate you it's not on you, it's on them.
I hope you feel better now or soon!
Hugs!

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On 1/11/2018 at 7:31 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

I do not want to go and try and function today. But laying in bed and crying won't help.

Sometimes curling into a ball and crying is exactly what I need to process my pain and move onwards. Hugs!

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Oh bean.  I'm so sorry. 

 

When highly stressed, goals can wait, rebalancing your emotions is more important.  Your emotions give you the will power to move on the next day.  Your emotions give you the strength to learn and move on.  And your emotions can be manipulated by stressful events.  They become un-balanced and time puts them back in place.  A good sleep, a good cry, a good bath, a good SCREAM! 

 

I hope you find your time and re-balance. 

 

On ‎1‎/‎11‎/‎2018 at 7:31 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

"why do I bother."

 

 You bother because you have a brilliant love to give. 

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Thank you all for the comments. I have read them and will respond in a minute.

However, I made some realizations the last 2 days.

 

1) I have been dismissed before, why was I so upset this time? Answer, I knew better. This sounds really dumb, but Its always just been how things worked. This time, it was like "This is not how things are suppose to work" and that knowledge was harder. It showed me in a way how I was treated, How bad it is sometimes. I think part of that was that I am seeing its not just me this happens to. (Note: No one here is to blame, UNDERSTAND. I know the risks of reading other posts, and its probably a good thing I learned, and I am sorry now if I skip a few threads for a bit). I am better now, but I am still, a bit... sad.

2). I realized today, after knowing I was mostly done dealing with things, that I just felt.... offbalance. I couldn't come up with another word to described it, but like I had lost my grounding. Upon further reflection, I realized I really felt like this.

OnlyKeyDobermanpinscher-size_restricted.

 

I was a tree. A tree that had sat through how many storms, how many times have I weathered things, be it mental with school, physical with being overweight and emotional which is a laundry list of things. I finally felt like that last storm came through and just knocked me on my side. I may not be entirely on the ground, but I am pretty well tilted

 

leaning-tree-sized.jpg

 

I Just couldn't take anything else. As a result, I can't seem to get my feet under me. I need to get grounded, the problem is, I don't remember how. Or more, I don't remember ever doing this before. I am sure I have, I know I have been uprooted before, I just don't know how I fixed it. Add to that the fact a few more storms are rolling through and I just need to figure it out (another 3 water spots in the ceiling, problems with chosen family Christmas, ect)..

So one thing I am going to work on (slightly challenge but not really) is finding a way to find a way to reground. A way to stand back up. In this book I read sometimes called "The Art of peace" is this quote.

763736-Morihei-Ueshiba-Quote-Study-the-t

 

I need to work on being the bamboo more. I need to work on being flexible so I don't fall over. Also next challenge (Someone remind me if I forget) I want to work on finding that grounding. IN the summer I can go outside, soak up the sun, play int he garden. Right now ID on't have that.

3) I also realized I lost something. When I use to do my nerd larp, I felt strong and confident. I kept the confidence for years, but I realized it has eroded away with so many other things. I need to get it back. I watched the new star wars movie, and I wanted to be Rey doing the staff and light saber forms. I watch other things where its not fights, just forms, which would be good too. Even if its a punching bag. So I may look into this for next challenge as well. Use the rest of this one (as school approaches Monday and I start to panic) to look into ways to do these things, but I need to find ways to not be falling over, to handle the storms better.

So yeah, here's my all like thoughtful post. Now to figure out answers for it all

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