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Bean Sidhe

Bean Sidhe Vs Chaos - Back to the path

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I know you're working on other replies but I need to be obnoxious and write this now. First, fuck those people. End of story. 

 

Second, it's weird to say but congratulations on seeing through the bullshit. 

 

Third: I don't know how similar our situations are/were (you seem you have crap coming at you from a lot more directions than I do, at least) and I don't know exactly what you're feeling. I do know that when the switch flipped for me from "this is obnoxious and I hate that I'm treated this way but I guess this is just the way it is and will always be" to "holy shit that was super wrong and I don't deserve it or have to go along with it" it was super super weird. Because I was looking at everything through a whole new lens. 

 

You will get through this. Focus on the people you care about and who care about you in return. Keep working toward your personal and professional goals and do what needs to be done for Bean. Maybe a fancy new little tree grows as an offshoot as the tilted-but-not-totally-wrecked older tree. 

 

I'm here if you feel like chatting or venting. And if my threads are in the group that you need to avoid for a bit, that's 1000% understandable.

 

anigif_enhanced-buzz-8245-1366388066-29.

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13 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

1) I have been dismissed before, why was I so upset this time? Answer, I knew better. This sounds really dumb, but Its always just been how things worked. This time, it was like "This is not how things are suppose to work" and that knowledge was harder. It showed me in a way how I was treated, How bad it is sometimes. I think part of that was that I am seeing its not just me this happens to. (Note: No one here is to blame, UNDERSTAND. I know the risks of reading other posts, and its probably a good thing I learned, and I am sorry now if I skip a few threads for a bit). I am better now, but I am still, a bit... sad.

I can identify pretty strongly with this. I never really realized how bad things were with my mom until I watched Flea going through so much with hers. Tank's advice to her sent me on a path of discovery as well, and then suddenly, one day, my mom said something just like she always does and it was like the full weight of how wrong it was hit me for the first time. I was defenseless against it and I spent three hours crying and trying to figure out why that one comment had hurt so much more than all the others. 

 

I've had kind of a rocky go of it with NF since then but I finally feel like I'm getting my feet back beneath me, and I've been making so many positive changes in my day-to-day life everyone has noticed. Unfortunately, not everyone is equally pleased about my sudden growth, but I've also deepened other relationships, and found that the people who aren't happy for me and supportive aren't really people I want in my life anyway. 

 

All that is a way of saying, listen, what happened to you might seem like a stupid thing to be hung up on now, but roll with it. It might turn out to be bigger than you can imagine, and it might be the pebble that changes the course of the river - for the better, if you're ready. If you need to take time away from NF or back off reading some people's threads, do it. If you need to skip or scale back a challenge, do it. If you need to talk, find someone you really trust and have those conversations. We'll all still be cheering for you no matter what. 

 

All my love, Bean Sidhe. 

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On 1/11/2018 at 8:11 AM, Wolfen said:

aefe50ec04e28bff9064b029e570546c91f5e541

 

giphy.gif

 

On 1/11/2018 at 8:24 AM, Severine said:

Sorry things went so poorly. It can be heartbreaking when we put work into something and it feels like other people take it for granted or don't notice. 

 

When that happens to me I try to take a break from organizing things and let myself heal, and in the meantime I focus my energy on people who reliably demonstrate that they care, like my immediate family.

 

Offering solidarity e-hugs!

 

 

Thank you. I was more upset that I didn't even get to talk to them, after all this pressure on me to actually have a relationship with them. And I want to take more of a break, but its hard. Especially since no one else does, so its always on me. The family is coming first, and I was hoping that the Chosen Family would help, but things have popped up there, and my sister who helps me deal with stuff won't be here. So its not helping the "but but but..." feelings.

 

On 1/11/2018 at 11:28 AM, Wobbegong said:

Oh man, Bean, talk about a rough day. I'm so sorry things turned out like that. I'm with Severine, I'd say take a break from all of the planning you do that isn't immediately urgent and focus on yourself and your immediate family for a while. I'm glad to hear you got a good cry in, at least? That can be freeing, in its way. 

 

I hope today goes much better, but even if it doesn't I know one way or another you'll make it through. Let me know if there's anything I can do to make it easier, though, I'd be happy to help. 

 

 

The cry helped some, but I didn't get it all out. I know that, but I hit that "Oh no, I am becoming a problem" and shut it down. I do that. I am better than I was, but it still happens. Yesterday was okay..ish. Today not so much. Both days have had a distinct lack of energy for well, anything, so yeah. Going to restart challenge a bit on Sunday since I was planning on taking today and tomorrow of for family time. I know you would help. I appreciate that. I just need to know what to help with besides maybe coming up with ideas for the problems in the novel above.
 

22 hours ago, J3NN said:

You might just need to do that to give yourself a boost and get back on track, like you always do. Do things for you, even if you're doing it because you have to, focus on the good reason for you to do it and don't let the rest get you down. You can do things to set good examples for your kids. You can do things so you'll have no regrets. You can do it be the better person. You can do it because part of it will be fun. You can do it because you want to even :) 

 

Hugs Bean!


The article was interesting, thanks for sharing. I will get back on track, I just need to get on the ground first. I am trying for all those reasons. Although I will say, I have not yet found a motivator in wanting to get even. I should, I have plenty of fodder, I just don't have the whatever to believe that I can show them. I have not yet turned food for the trolls into motivation. One day maybe. I am trying and thanks for the hugs.

 

19 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

Bean, I am so sorry that happened! I haven't understood well though: did they invite you last minute and then didn't allow you in when you show up? The jerks!
You are so wonderful and if they don't appreciate you it's not on you, it's on them.
I hope you feel better now or soon!
Hugs!

The entire event was scheduled last minute. I was told on Sunday about the family coming up. Then when we showed when could around things, we were able to watch them open presents and then told to leave while they ate dinner. Never mind we hadn't eaten or even really talked to them yet or that I told them we would be there at these times. (They ordered pizza, so they could of ordered an extra).  I am getting better, but not there yet. Although I don't expect appreciation from them, I guess, I just expect acknowledged.  thanks for the hugs.

 

12 hours ago, Plazmotic said:

Sometimes curling into a ball and crying is exactly what I need to process my pain and move onwards. Hugs!


It helped some, but not as much as I would of liked. I am going to look into different methods I think. Something where I can work it out maybe. 

 

6 hours ago, Butternut said:

Oh bean.  I'm so sorry. 

 

When highly stressed, goals can wait, rebalancing your emotions is more important.  Your emotions give you the will power to move on the next day.  Your emotions give you the strength to learn and move on.  And your emotions can be manipulated by stressful events.  They become un-balanced and time puts them back in place.  A good sleep, a good cry, a good bath, a good SCREAM! 

 

This is kinda what I thought. I just need to get me straight so I can keep going. I want to get to my goals, I just have no drive left. Like the negative things I hear about never getting there, being 90 when I finally fit in the dress I want to wear, ect are true. Its a matter of remembering I am not the negatives which was easier to do when I felt more confident. Does that make sense?

 

6 hours ago, Butternut said:

 You bother because you have a brilliant love to give. 


This was wondeful. Thank you for telling me this.
 

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12 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I know you're working on other replies but I need to be obnoxious and write this now. First, fuck those people. End of story. 

 

Why yes I was. and its okay. I knew i would hear from you.  I am there with the family that came into town, I am so over them. Have been for awhile, but I show up for them, I vaguely pretend to have a relationship for them, for the others in the family. Its weird, but I don't want to make the others unhappy that I Don't care what happens to the ones who came. I just don't.

 

12 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Second, it's weird to say but congratulations on seeing through the bullshit. 

 

Thanks??

 

12 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Third: I don't know how similar our situations are/were (you seem you have crap coming at you from a lot more directions than I do, at least) and I don't know exactly what you're feeling. I do know that when the switch flipped for me from "this is obnoxious and I hate that I'm treated this way but I guess this is just the way it is and will always be" to "holy shit that was super wrong and I don't deserve it or have to go along with it" it was super super weird. Because I was looking at everything through a whole new lens. 

 

Its similar and its not. Mine is more about manipulation and less about "glory be to thee" and its more about "If I am not happy, no one will be" which is when I get the worst of it. but Hubby helped me realize that I have been seeing this more and more over the last few years. It was just this was one time, I couldn't bend enough to let it just go past, and it knocked me on my ass.

 

12 minutes ago, fleaball said:

You will get through this. Focus on the people you care about and who care about you in return. Keep working toward your personal and professional goals and do what needs to be done for Bean. Maybe a fancy new little tree grows as an offshoot as the tilted-but-not-totally-wrecked older tree. 

 

I am trying, I am hoping I can get this tree back standing, but if not, I can at least resprout and regrow. This keeps up, I may need to get a little bonzi tree or something

 

TreeonTree-DaveNeukrich-500x293.jpg

 

12 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I'm here if you feel like chatting or venting. And if my threads are in the group that you need to avoid for a bit, that's 1000% understandable.

 

Thank you, I may take you up on that. But at the same time, I suffer from the "no one wants to hear, and I can't bother people" so understand if I don't. I Just don't know what I need now.

Your battle log maybe, on and off a bit. The challenge I am still going to check in, I may just skip certain sections. *hugs* Thank you flea for the support

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16 minutes ago, Wobbegong said:

I can identify pretty strongly with this. I never really realized how bad things were with my mom until I watched Flea going through so much with hers. Tank's advice to her sent me on a path of discovery as well, and then suddenly, one day, my mom said something just like she always does and it was like the full weight of how wrong it was hit me for the first time. I was defenseless against it and I spent three hours crying and trying to figure out why that one comment had hurt so much more than all the others. 

 

See, adn that is where I am stuck. I know I should walk down the discovery path, but I see work and energy and strength I am not yet sure I possess. Right now, I see myself too thin, to strained, to... weak to deal with that part. And while I will, one day, I need to focus on all the things right now. Its that hard lesson I am trying to remember, I only have x mana/spoons/ect. Do I use any for the discovery, or to get people to school and my homework done? And while I know that analogy works more for people with other bigger issues, right now, it was the best description I have.

 

16 minutes ago, Wobbegong said:

I've had kind of a rocky go of it with NF since then but I finally feel like I'm getting my feet back beneath me, and I've been making so many positive changes in my day-to-day life everyone has noticed. Unfortunately, not everyone is equally pleased about my sudden growth, but I've also deepened other relationships, and found that the people who aren't happy for me and supportive aren't really people I want in my life anyway. 

 

You are doing great, and I am so very very proud of you, even tho I have no idea if I should admit that (I don't know if I have the right, I hope you get what I am saying). you are doing great, and while not everyone is always "Yay, look at you" you are still going on without their support. Much like I need to do. Problem is, this uprooting has shaken even that. So now, to rebuild and try again.

 

16 minutes ago, Wobbegong said:

All that is a way of saying, listen, what happened to you might seem like a stupid thing to be hung up on now, but roll with it. It might turn out to be bigger than you can imagine, and it might be the pebble that changes the course of the river - for the better, if you're ready. If you need to take time away from NF or back off reading some people's threads, do it. If you need to skip or scale back a challenge, do it. If you need to talk, find someone you really trust and have those conversations. We'll all still be cheering for you no matter what. 

 

Thanks, I think walking away entirely is not the right idea. In a way, then I am not going to change. Then I am going back to ignoring. I may go lighter on myself next challenge, but we will see. Right now, I have a few things to add to next challenge, but no idea how to add it or what to do. I am a person who looks for things to touch, to count to... quantify. I tried meditating, and I didn't like it. I just don't know how to force the grounding, when I can just have it happen slightly more naturally. I guess I need to figure that out too.

 

16 minutes ago, Wobbegong said:

All my love, Bean Sidhe. 

*hugs* thank you. This means so much.

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1 hour ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Thank you, I may take you up on that. But at the same time, I suffer from the "no one wants to hear, and I can't bother people" so understand if I don't. I Just don't know what I need now.

Yup, totally get it. I'm just going to keep reminding you that you're totally allowed to bother me if you need to, but under no circumstances are you obligated to. :)

 

1 hour ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Your battle log maybe, on and off a bit. The challenge I am still going to check in, I may just skip certain sections. *hugs* Thank you flea for the support

Sounds like a plan!

 

1 hour ago, Bean Sidhe said:

See, adn that is where I am stuck. I know I should walk down the discovery path, but I see work and energy and strength I am not yet sure I possess. Right now, I see myself too thin, to strained, to... weak to deal with that part. And while I will, one day, I need to focus on all the things right now. Its that hard lesson I am trying to remember, I only have x mana/spoons/ect. Do I use any for the discovery, or to get people to school and my homework done? And while I know that analogy works more for people with other bigger issues, right now, it was the best description I have.

When your spoons are limited it's 100% okay to ignore stuff. If you think the discovery bit is something you need to do right now to manage the new feelings and reactions, do it. If you don't have the bandwidth and you need to focus on school and family just to keep your head above water, that's also totally fine. I think you're stuck with all of us at this point so it doesn't really matter what you choose, we'll cheer you on regardless. =P

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8 hours ago, fleaball said:

Yup, totally get it. I'm just going to keep reminding you that you're totally allowed to bother me if you need to, but under no circumstances are you obligated to. :)

Thank you, and the street works both ways. You can bother me anytime.

 

8 hours ago, fleaball said:

When your spoons are limited it's 100% okay to ignore stuff. If you think the discovery bit is something you need to do right now to manage the new feelings and reactions, do it. If you don't have the bandwidth and you need to focus on school and family just to keep your head above water, that's also totally fine. I think you're stuck with all of us at this point so it doesn't really matter what you choose, we'll cheer you on regardless. =P

 

I know, but the "you must be perfect" side says I am not allowed spoons. I should be able to do it all. And yeah, brains are dumb. I am going to keep doing this slow, when I have time, or its that big an issue, deal with it, otherwise other things come first. Maybe one day I will sit down and sort myself out for real. But probably not until I graduate. For now, I will take the cheering and appreciate the support. Sadly, I find this easier to talk about on here since I know I am not alone. I have a few to talk about it around me, but not many who I am not worried would not change their opinion if that makes sense.

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So just woke up and I got hit by the weirdest Anxiety moment ever. I am literally half "OMG, nothing is done, people are coming, I need to clean and get the food and we left laundry in the washer for 2 days and I need to deal with that, and I need to set up, and I need to cook the food, and I need to see if anything is open for school and and." meanwhile the other half is totally saying "F it. I don't care. They won't either if anyone is coming (communication broke down and most of the people coming are coming through where an ice storm hit Thurs." So yeah... this is fun.

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Sorry I fell behind. And wow, that was a bit of a rollercoaster. *Hugs*

 

With that family, I understand how that feels. I try to take those feelings as a sign to remember how it felt and never let it happen again, even if it will cause more pain than trying to bend or hide, because those are feelings that say this isn't right (like, a feeling of injustice). I guess it kind of turns it into something bigger than just me, which makes it easier to stand my ground, or to push back. (I don't know if this makes sense, or if it just means I'm crazy.)

 

With grounding, meditation isn't the most effective thing for me. (Being outside, yeah, just not when it's freezing cold...) Sometimes setting aside a couple minutes for tea helps (as in no multi-tasking, just enjoy the tea). Enjoying time with loved ones can help (sometimes). Music usually helps me, and that I can have playing while I'm doing other things (the right music can change my mindset).

 

I've been feeling like one of those trees, and yeah, it's hard to recover. It's possible, just hard.

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Sending many hugs. I think the tree unrooting analogy was very helpful in trying to understand how you're feeling right now.

 

Here's my two cents: you are the workhorse of your family, physically, mentally, and emotionally. In addition to your own goals and interests (fitness, school, etc.) you have the fate of the whole family on your shoulders. You have hands-on duties (cleaning, driving people, making food, etc.), and mental duties (keeping track of schedules, planning things, paying attention to issues that need solving and coming up with solutions, etc.), and emotional duties (stressing about concerns and obligations, offering solace and encouragement to the kids, projecting a sense of happiness/calm because you feel like the whole family will be dragged down if you're sad and focused on your emotions, etc.). 

 

You have so much loaded onto your shoulders. To stay with the tree analogy: your branches are full of many heavy thoughts and duties and obligations and things that need solving and planning and doing. You're top-heavy, and when there are too many worries and stressors and things to do and solve, it's natural that the top-heavy tree is easily blown over by a light wind. 

 

Trees are supposed to have a root structure that's sized in proportion to their branches:

 

def0aae65e058b68ea5258fc052e395e--mural-ideas-wall-ideas.jpg

 

But you've been putting all your work and energy into growing more and more branches, more arms to hold worries and duties and other people's problems. You haven't been able to put energy into growing the roots to keep in balance. You have a root structure too small for the load you're trying to carry. You feel vulnerable and worn down because you're constantly stretched beyond capacity.

 

There's no magic solution, but there's still hope. The needs of your family are not just going to go away, and it's not like you can suddenly stop having duties and schoolwork and relationships that need your energy. But I think if you can at least be aware that investing in yourself and your roots is the thing you need to do, you can take small steps. Ask your husband to take on 1-2 of the things you're doing now. Ask your kids, especially the older ones, to begin taking on more duties at home and a bigger role in planning their own activities and schedules. Look at your current list of problems and duties and pick a couple that are lowest priority and give yourself permission to stop caring about them for a while until you feel better. Look at the relationships you find exhausting and give yourself permission to stop trying so hard to make things work with people who don't try back. If you have people who owe you favours, call some in - get someone to babysit your kids while you do something for you, or ask a friend who's handy to help you with fixing stuff around the house so it's off your mind. Set a routine where there are certain times of the day that is just for you, even if it's just 15 minutes, and your family knows not to bother you while you stretch/meditate/read/whatever. And most of all, try to pay attention to the way you think about yourself and your life. Remember what you love about yourself, about your family, about your life, and remind yourself of your goals and dreams. Try to rekindle that sense of hope and progress. You ARE making progress. You are worth taking care of and you are worth love and support.

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OKay, so before I go through and answer both of your responses, I want to do a quick update.

THE FAMILY CAME. well the relaxing and put Bean back together family. While my favorite sister who doubles as grounding mechanism couldn't, I did have some family in town and I got to play with my baby nephew and niece and find out I am going to be an Aunt 3 more times!!!! So all of that helped more than I could say as well as a couple of our brothers offering ways to help that I didn't want to bother them with (Helping with the roof, ect).  While everyone came in later than usual, I got some time to kinda just relax because while it wasn't the large showing we were expecting, (Flu and weather intervened) it was something where I could sit back and let others cook and hang with us.

AM I still uprooted. Yes. But its starting to lean back the other way.

Today is my first day back on challenge since the 11th. (Not going to lie, it was worth the small break). We have been busy all day with errands and groceries and cooking. I have bread baking for the school on Weds, and we even got some of the returns done. I got some of the ornaments down and the garland has been taken down from all over the house. The tree may not be all the way down, but its a step, so I am going to roll with it. So I am trying to remember we are getting somewhere.


However, school has begun. Well officially it begins tomorrow, but I have one class with work up already. I should be working on it, but I promised myself I would get on here and play catch up. I would like to start school tomorrow with everything caught up. I would like to make sure that I can feel like I have everything as close to ready as I can. My binders and notebooks are ready, I have the books. I wish it would all squash the panic I seem to be developing that its going to be like last semester where I fell behind, where I didn't do as well as I would of liked, but I can't change that now.

TLDR: I am doing better. I am not 100% and I am still tired, but I have run out of time to reset. School has started, and its time to do this.

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On 1/14/2018 at 12:42 PM, zeroh13 said:

Sorry I fell behind. And wow, that was a bit of a rollercoaster. *Hugs*

No worries, I am behind too. It happens, pop in when you can.

Rollercoaster is a good word for it. *hugs*

 

On 1/14/2018 at 12:42 PM, zeroh13 said:

With that family, I understand how that feels. I try to take those feelings as a sign to remember how it felt and never let it happen again, even if it will cause more pain than trying to bend or hide, because those are feelings that say this isn't right (like, a feeling of injustice). I guess it kind of turns it into something bigger than just me, which makes it easier to stand my ground, or to push back. (I don't know if this makes sense, or if it just means I'm crazy.)

 

This makes total sense. The problem is, I don't ever see it as being a bigger issue. I tend to lean more to the "well, as long as I am the only one suffering, its fine." Which isn't right, but it goes back to the "how much can I give this issue"

 

On 1/14/2018 at 12:42 PM, zeroh13 said:

With grounding, meditation isn't the most effective thing for me. (Being outside, yeah, just not when it's freezing cold...) Sometimes setting aside a couple minutes for tea helps (as in no multi-tasking, just enjoy the tea). Enjoying time with loved ones can help (sometimes). Music usually helps me, and that I can have playing while I'm doing other things (the right music can change my mindset).

 

I may have to try these. I would love to go outside, sit by the herb garden and take a minute or 3, but its currently covered in snow again, so probably not. Having the family I chose here helped. More than I thought they would.

 

On 1/14/2018 at 12:42 PM, zeroh13 said:

 

I've been feeling like one of those trees, and yeah, it's hard to recover. It's possible, just hard.

 

*hugs* I hope you find a way to recover too. Its not easy, but its will be better once we get there.

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23 minutes ago, Severine said:

Sending many hugs. I think the tree unrooting analogy was very helpful in trying to understand how you're feeling right now.

 

Here's my two cents: you are the workhorse of your family, physically, mentally, and emotionally. In addition to your own goals and interests (fitness, school, etc.) you have the fate of the whole family on your shoulders. You have hands-on duties (cleaning, driving people, making food, etc.), and mental duties (keeping track of schedules, planning things, paying attention to issues that need solving and coming up with solutions, etc.), and emotional duties (stressing about concerns and obligations, offering solace and encouragement to the kids, projecting a sense of happiness/calm because you feel like the whole family will be dragged down if you're sad and focused on your emotions, etc.). 

 

You have so much loaded onto your shoulders. To stay with the tree analogy: your branches are full of many heavy thoughts and duties and obligations and things that need solving and planning and doing. You're top-heavy, and when there are too many worries and stressors and things to do and solve, it's natural that the top-heavy tree is easily blown over by a light wind. 

 

This is wonderfully put. Thank you.

 

23 minutes ago, Severine said:

Trees are supposed to have a root structure that's sized in proportion to their branches:

 

But you've been putting all your work and energy into growing more and more branches, more arms to hold worries and duties and other people's problems. You haven't been able to put energy into growing the roots to keep in balance. You have a root structure too small for the load you're trying to carry. You feel vulnerable and worn down because you're constantly stretched beyond capacity.

 

This is also true.

 

23 minutes ago, Severine said:

There's no magic solution, but there's still hope. The needs of your family are not just going to go away, and it's not like you can suddenly stop having duties and schoolwork and relationships that need your energy. But I think if you can at least be aware that investing in yourself and your roots is the thing you need to do, you can take small steps. Ask your husband to take on 1-2 of the things you're doing now. Ask your kids, especially the older ones, to begin taking on more duties at home and a bigger role in planning their own activities and schedules. Look at your current list of problems and duties and pick a couple that are lowest priority and give yourself permission to stop caring about them for a while until you feel better. Look at the relationships you find exhausting and give yourself permission to stop trying so hard to make things work with people who don't try back. If you have people who owe you favours, call some in - get someone to babysit your kids while you do something for you, or ask a friend who's handy to help you with fixing stuff around the house so it's off your mind. Set a routine where there are certain times of the day that is just for you, even if it's just 15 minutes, and your family knows not to bother you while you stretch/meditate/read/whatever. And most of all, try to pay attention to the way you think about yourself and your life. Remember what you love about yourself, about your family, about your life, and remind yourself of your goals and dreams. Try to rekindle that sense of hope and progress. You ARE making progress. You are worth taking care of and you are worth love and support.

 

Oh, Severine. You see things from outside so well. I have given Hubby more jobs than I normally do. I mean I ask so much from him and he is always there to take on more. However, I have overloaded him a few times, and do not wish to repeat that experience. With everything its about finding balance. Sadly, the kids while the should be able to take more responsibility, but Eldest's quirks make that hard. What is worse, is they are showing signs of the same "uprooted" feeling, and in some ways Eldest's is desperate for a routine. The Winter break is always hard since he can't even fall into the normal routine of school days.  And Sadly, I can't trust him to take on more right now since he is just so scattered. The simple favor of "Hey, your tall, get these things out of this cabinet for me" was a failure unless he grabbed the container, showed it to me, and then waited on the "yes or no" before either putting it back or handing it to me. Part of this is him being worn out from the weekend, but part was just him.

With the work we have done today, many things are getting caught up. Seeds will get done when they get done. The tree will be 5 minutes here or there. I actually feel better about what is going on. The thing that is the hardest is I can't call in many friends. One of my friends offered to look at the roof and things for us, but it will have to wait till spring since he is 6 hours away and we never know what the weather will do. This is the way most of our friends are since the closest is 45 minutes away. The bigger thing is the "what is on fire today" that I just need to roll with a bit better. I will say for the most part, the relationship thing.. well the one who has messed me up the most isn't talking to me since the Surprise Christmas. Either she thinks I am mad at her, or she is mad at me. No matter which way, she can just do that and when she wants to talk to me, she can. The big one is I need to find things about myself that I love. Honestly, Self esteem for me is hard. I only ever had it in college when I was a different person. I Love my life, my kids, and where I want to go, but love who I am now.. that will be harder.

But this is a journey down a path, a time to regrow and see if I Can fix some things in those spare moments.

 

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2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

The big one is I need to find things about myself that I love. Honestly, Self esteem for me is hard. I only ever had it in college when I was a different person. I Love my life, my kids, and where I want to go, but love who I am now.. that will be harder.

It's so much easier for other people to articulate what it is about you that is awesome and lovable. Valentine's day is coming up (way too quickly). Maybe you could do something with the family where you have everyone write special Valentine's for each other explaining the things they love about the other person. When you're done you'll have three lists of things about yourself you can love (and bonus: so will everyone else). If you can't find things, let your family help you and cling to those for now as you grow.

 

2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

But this is a journey down a path, a time to regrow and see if I Can fix some things in those spare moments.

Indeed, there is a time for everything, as cliche as it seems. When you see something to fix, I'd advise adding it to your list of doom, or one of your other lists, to keep in mind for future challenges. It can be hard to remember the good ideas after life gets in the way...

 

Hugs!

3a1ae87c72ff9d549c7cf9642caae977--cat-hu

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7 hours ago, J3NN said:

It's so much easier for other people to articulate what it is about you that is awesome and lovable. Valentine's day is coming up (way too quickly). Maybe you could do something with the family where you have everyone write special Valentine's for each other explaining the things they love about the other person. When you're done you'll have three lists of things about yourself you can love (and bonus: so will everyone else). If you can't find things, let your family help you and cling to those for now as you grow.

 

This is a neat idea, I may try it. The problem is, I know Eldest would have the hardest time with this since its mostly feelings and that is something that is hard for him to articulate.

 

7 hours ago, J3NN said:

Indeed, there is a time for everything, as cliche as it seems. When you see something to fix, I'd advise adding it to your list of doom, or one of your other lists, to keep in mind for future challenges. It can be hard to remember the good ideas after life gets in the way...

 

I am hoping to go back to writing down things I would like to work on for future challenges and then I can refer to them. I guess I need to get a new page in my bullet journal set up.

 

 

7 hours ago, J3NN said:

Hugs!

3a1ae87c72ff9d549c7cf9642caae977--cat-hu

 

 

*hugs* thanks. I will be okay. I am just getting through some days, but at least I am making it through.

 

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So yesterday went well. I got so many things done. But at the same time, I was getting more than a bit worried about school restarting. I got the christmas decorations started to come down, the seeds are all inventoried as well as the seed starters, Some returns went back, some errands were run, we got groceries and precooked for the week. Laundry was rolling all day, I got  the bread baked for the school, I got the house put back together mostly, it felt good.

But it never really too the edge off the "What if this semester is bad too" I am trying to not worry so much, but its who I am. There is still a ton of things to do. But now I need to stay on top of juggling the homework. However, I was able to have the last day off the day I got EVERYTHING done, so that is good. Now to do today.

My one good thing was getting so much done and how much better I felt about it.

My time with Agents was spent learning Stardew Valley with Youngest. Not going to lie, I considered creating a game, but I decided the day before school starts isn't the day to do so. I don't need more distractions just yet. Lets see how this all goes first.

Remind me I got this, because right now, I am kinda freaking out a bit.

 

Goal

Description

1/15/2018

Nutrition

120 oz water

y

Strength

Leg lifts

25

 

sit ups

50

 

Reverse sit ups

10

 

Push ups

17

 

Balance Ball push ups

7

Flexibility

Wrist Extension Stretch

y

 

Upward dog/Child pose

y

 

Butterfly

y

 

Ballet/toe Touch

y

 

Meditating Groot

y

Life and Family

Spend time with Agents

y

 

One good thing

y

 

Plan

y

 

Be in bed by 11:30

y

 

Check seedlings

y

Fight Chaos

Pennisula/Island

y

Clean all these daily

Table

y

 

Desk

y

 

Bathroom up

y

 

Bathroom down

y

At least 5 minutes per room (at least one)

Bedroom

y

 

Computer room

y

 

Basement

y

 

Clean Half wall

y

Walking

Walk 10500 steps

10671

 

Walk 15 minutes a day

y

 

Walk to Mordor

y

 

Total points for day 15/15

Total points for entire challenge 161.65/210

 

Bonus Goals

1/15/2017

Eat dried apricots

y

Eat Banana

y

Eat yogurt

y

 

Total Bonus points for day 3/3   

Total bonus points for entire challenge 36/ 42

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4 hours ago, PollyannaAgain said:

Wow! Look at all that! Nice job. :) Also, you got this! ;) 

 

Thanks, I am trying


So homework has poured in. A ton of homework.

There is some stuff that is fairly easy to knock off the list, the problem is, 2 questions.
 

What are you planning to specialize in? Where do you see yourself in 5  years, in 10 years?

I dunno, working an adult job that may or may not have anything to do with my major. I want 40 hours a week and then to come home and do other stuff and see my kids. In 10 years, I will be a mostly empty Nester, and that is scary too. I don't wanna think that far ahead... I will make something up, but those questions are not helping my anxiety of all the homework that came out . Day One... Bean has a meltdown.

Off to get started... Too bad I don't wanna.

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13 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

So yesterday went well. I got so many things done. But at the same time, I was getting more than a bit worried about school restarting. I got the christmas decorations started to come down, the seeds are all inventoried as well as the seed starters, Some returns went back, some errands were run, we got groceries and precooked for the week. Laundry was rolling all day, I got  the bread baked for the school, I got the house put back together mostly, it felt good.

 

This is a list to be proud of. Imagine you just read my thread, or Flea's, or anyone else, and we posted this list. You'd be the first to say that we should feel proud of what we'd gotten done.

 

13 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

But it never really too the edge off the "What if this semester is bad too" I am trying to not worry so much, but its who I am. There is still a ton of things to do. But now I need to stay on top of juggling the homework. 

 

I totally relate, but just take it one day at a time. Let future homework be Future Bean's problem. Trust that Future Bean can and will handle it, and just keep your attention on what's in front of you.

 

13 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Remind me I got this, because right now, I am kinda freaking out a bit.

 

giphy.gif

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You totally got this! Those homework questions are obnoxious on a good day, but totally not helpful when you're already stressed. i say go nuts with them. You're getting a CS degree, right? "In 10 years my kids will have gone off to college and then probably moved out and gotten real jobs, so I will take my fancy degrees (and any others I earn in the meantime) and go move to the middle of nowhere where I can grow all my own weird-colored veggies when I'm not getting filthy rich building websites and doing computery things for people who are too dumb to figure it out. There will be lots of dogs and cats and these are their names. [ridiculous animal names go here]" (Disclaimer, I know nothing about CS degrees other than that the CS folks at my school hated when you said "Oh so you fix computers?" So that's all I kept saying about it.) 

 

That kind of assignment is also bullshit in general because what, are they really going to grade you on your life plan? Sure it's kind of important to be thinking about what you want to do, but if most of the people in a class are like "I want to work for Microsoft/Google/Apple" and someone else is like "eh, I kinda want to stay close to home, maybe set up my own freelancing business so I can have the freedom to work from anywhere or be flexible if I have to take care of an aging parent" how is that any less valid? What exactly are they going to do about it?

 

*quietly gets off soapbox and disappears waving "Go Bean!" flag*

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I'm with Flea on the life plan, make it only sort of be about CS. Because honestly, who asks that. As for "what do you plan to specialize in," idk if you're learning it for a particular job or not, but if you don't have a plan already pick big data, security, or AI. Those are the fastest-growing and best-paid branches of CS right now. 

 

Of course, cybersecurity will mean nothing as soon as someone cracks quantum computing, but in the meantime it's big money. And once quantum is up and running there will be new security to flesh out (among a myriad of other opportunities) so there's always that. :) 

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9 hours ago, Severine said:

 

This is a list to be proud of. Imagine you just read my thread, or Flea's, or anyone else, and we posted this list. You'd be the first to say that we should feel proud of what we'd gotten done.

 

I kinda was, but I also kinda wish I got more done. Double edge sword. I always want to get more done since there is always more to do.

 

9 hours ago, Severine said:

 

I totally relate, but just take it one day at a time. Let future homework be Future Bean's problem. Trust that Future Bean can and will handle it, and just keep your attention on what's in front of you.

 

This is the funny part, I am trying ot make less things Future Bean's problems. That is how I got here. I always said "I can work out tomorrow, I can watch what I eat tomorrow, I will clean tomorrow." And now, I am yelling at past Bean for being a dork and getting us into this spot.

 

 

9 hours ago, Severine said:

 

giphy.gif

 

Thank you. The first few days of school, I get really weird and freak out more than usual about how will I get it all done. Hubby reminded me it happens every semester, but the way last semester ended, I am worse than usual.

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9 hours ago, fleaball said:

You totally got this! Those homework questions are obnoxious on a good day, but totally not helpful when you're already stressed. i say go nuts with them. You're getting a CS degree, right? "In 10 years my kids will have gone off to college and then probably moved out and gotten real jobs, so I will take my fancy degrees (and any others I earn in the meantime) and go move to the middle of nowhere where I can grow all my own weird-colored veggies when I'm not getting filthy rich building websites and doing computery things for people who are too dumb to figure it out. There will be lots of dogs and cats and these are their names. [ridiculous animal names go here]" (Disclaimer, I know nothing about CS degrees other than that the CS folks at my school hated when you said "Oh so you fix computers?" So that's all I kept saying about it.) 

 

Flea, you understand me. Honestly, I would love to move out somewhere and have a smallish homestead full of kitties with a couple of dogs. But the CS thing, I have no idea how it factor into my life ahead. I just want my degree, for me and my grandma who made me promise to finish school before she died. I don't know if I will work in the field or not, but they don't want to hear "well, the CS degree was one that was a real degree and not a liberal arts thing since most online only schools only do just a liberal arts degree online" And I really don't know what I want to get into besides an adult job with real money.

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

That kind of assignment is also bullshit in general because what, are they really going to grade you on your life plan? Sure it's kind of important to be thinking about what you want to do, but if most of the people in a class are like "I want to work for Microsoft/Google/Apple" and someone else is like "eh, I kinda want to stay close to home, maybe set up my own freelancing business so I can have the freedom to work from anywhere or be flexible if I have to take care of an aging parent" how is that any less valid? What exactly are they going to do about it?

 

I dunno, I think its just a "get to know you" thing, but yeah, its dumb. Just ask my major, but I think at this point they assume we know what we are doing. And my school is fairly high ranked for CS, so working for one of the those could be an option, but since I never plan to move more than outside of town, its not likely. I don't have dreams of being a "mover and shaker" in the world of CS. I just want my paycheck and to go home.

 

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

*quietly gets off soapbox and disappears waving "Go Bean!" flag*

 

I totally agree with the rant. And thank you for the flag

 

 

7 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

I'm with Flea on the life plan, make it only sort of be about CS. Because honestly, who asks that. As for "what do you plan to specialize in," idk if you're learning it for a particular job or not, but if you don't have a plan already pick big data, security, or AI. Those are the fastest-growing and best-paid branches of CS right now. 

I haven't picked anything. I could of gotten the degree to make me a cyber specialist, but honestly, I didn't want the paperwork that goes with doing work for Cyber (Many times, you have to follow evidence chain and custody rules, plus write out the same form a zillion times to say "I Need to fix a hard drive"). I think the other part is my options where I am are limited.

 

7 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

Of course, cybersecurity will mean nothing as soon as someone cracks quantum computing, but in the meantime it's big money. And once quantum is up and running there will be new security to flesh out (among a myriad of other opportunities) so there's always that. :) 

And that is the thing, whatever I learn now may or may not be valid in a year or 2. I know the theory will be similar, but I have 0 idea what I want to be when I grow up. And that is scary since I will be about 40 when I graduate
 

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So Tuesday was rough.

Morning started out bad, then work was full of "Hey, I didn't deal with this at any point in the last 2 months when you asked me to, so I am going to drop all this stuff on you when you may or may not be able to do anything about it." Which was frustrating since I have been asking about these things since before Thanksgiving. All I would get is vague non-answers and now I have to make it work for Monday. UGh. 

Then I came home and there was a schedule snafu. Not a big deal, but it took time away and I had to send Youngest's friend home early. Add to that, I came home in full panic attack. I mean we are talking tears and everything, while getting a text from one friend asking if I could talk and trying to get home and school stuff done. It was bad. Not the worst one I had, but not my favorite, and the worst part was, I couldn't focus enough to do anything.

I eventually calmed down and I got about 9 pages of reading done (not even 1/10 what I needed) and I focused. I am still a bit nervous and crazy (especially since the weekend is packed) but I will figure it out. I have to. So today's minor goal, study and not flip out and get back into the "use every second" mindset. I know somewhere in my head I can do it, but so much of me feels like I have never done this before. Ugh...  stupid brain

One good thing for yesterday is I got through the day. This sounds dumb, but it was questionable for a bit there.

I snuggle attacked Youngest on her way to bed and then she collapsed in my arms and said she was dead so she couldn't go to bed. Seemed legit. Hubby didn't buy it.

Heres the worksheet. No more time to pout or freak out. I need to get going.

 

Goal

Description

1/16/2018

Nutrition

120 oz water

y

Strength

Leg lifts

35

 

sit ups

60

 

Reverse sit ups

15

 

Push ups

18

 

Balance Ball push ups

10

Flexibility

Wrist Extension Stretch

y

 

Upward dog/Child pose

y

 

Butterfly

y

 

Ballet/toe Touch

y

 

Meditating Groot

y

Life and Family

Spend time with Agents

y

 

One good thing

y

 

Plan

y

 

Be in bed by 11:30

y

 

Check seedlings

y

Fight Chaos

Pennisula/Island

y

Clean all these daily

Table

y

 

Desk

y

 

Bathroom up

y

 

Bathroom down

y

At least 5 minutes per room (at least one)

Bedroom

n

 

Computer room

y

 

Basement

y

 

Clean Half wall

y

Walking

Walk 10500 steps

11525

 

Walk 15 minutes a day

y

 

Walk to Mordor

y

 

Total points for day 15/15

Total points for entire challenge 176.65/240

 

Bonus Goals

1/16/2017

Eat dried apricots

y

Eat Banana

y

Eat yogurt

y

 

Total Bonus points for day 3/3   

Total bonus points for entire challenge 39/ 45

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Updated Part B to remind myself I am getting somewhere

 

Challenge 1-4 Part B

o   Watch roof leak

o   Ice in the house??

o   Dentist apt #1

o   Dentist appointment #2

o   Mail Christmas letters that were suppose to go out before now

o   Christmas #2

o   Christmas #3

o   Christmas #4 (Because blood family is a pain that wants us all to work around them)

o   Chosen Family Christmas

o   Finish Christmas gifts for Chosen family

o   Wrap chosen family gifts

o   Set up kids gift exchange

o   Watch Youngest Friend day 1

o   Watch youngest friend day 2

o   Schedule dentist appointment #3

o   Try and set up something with family that didn’t make the party

o   Bring food to school for Teachers

o   Sort Birthday presents

o   Gift for wedding

o   Kids Dentist apt

o   RETURNS All the returns

o   Store A

o   Store B

o   Online

o   Store C

o   Store D

o   Figure out what to do with rest

o   Kids return to school

o   Update list of doom

o   Fix Drain upstairs Bath

o   Clean wall next to my desk (no idea how it got filthy)

o   Fix insurance headache

o   Get wet food for Agent Feline

o   Jan Calendar for Agents

o   Tear down Christmas decorations

o   Outside

§  Roof

§  yard

o   Inside

§  Tree

§  Stockings

§  garland

o   Semester starts

o   Set up Binders for semester

o   Fronts

o   Tabs

o   Get books for semester

o   Girls weekend

o   Helmet for Eldest

o   Youngest Dr apt

o   Wedding

o   Wedding present

o   Find homes for Christmas gifts

o   Help in Youngests Class

o   Finish setting up calendar for this semester (Agents activities)

o   Set up School supplies for me

o   Set up Purple binder

o   Set up Jump for Purple class

o   Set up red binder

o   Set up jump for red class

o   Sign up for Youngest Party Valentines

o   Sign up to help at school for school wide functions all spring

o   Set up challenge

o   Figure out challenge

o   Set up Spreadsheet

o   Set up bullet Journal

o   Change signature

o   Decide what we are growing

o   Go buy last of local seeds

o   Order last of seeds

o   Set up new Calendar with birthdays

o   Determine if we have seed starting supplies

o   Get Seed starting trays

o   Start seedlings

o   Start peppers

o   Start tomatoes

o   Start hydroponics

o   Youngest Birthday party

o   Find decorations

o   Arrange cake

o   Arrange sandwhiches

o    Get the Cake and sandwhiches

o   Prep food for party

o   Finish wrapping

o   POKE RSVPS (is this becoming a lost thing?

o   Come up with scroll to use wax seal on

o   Last of presents

o   Goodie bags

§  Inventory Good bag supplies

§  Fill goodie bags

 

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