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Bean Sidhe

Bean Sidhe Vs Chaos - Back to the path

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So Wednesdays still suck. We have too much to get done and not enough time. But it is okay, I just need to be efficient with time. Which I haven't been, so I am freaking out. Homework isn't where it needs to be, but I will get it done. However, when I got home last night, after a few discussions with Hubby that were not so great, I just couldn't get to it, the upside is I had studied through most of Activity 2 and I had gotten some done in the morning. I am almost done here, so I will work on that until work. And then it will go to work with me.

 

I did get all my challenge stuff done including a walk on the treadmill. Getting that stuff done helped, but I am so tired of being tired. The plan tonight is to come home and then I hit the books and Hubby runs everything else. Lets hope that works. 


I had a whole thing I wanted to bring up about something, but well, now we see how well my brain works once I have slept. And the sad part it, I will probably remember it at work and forget to write it down to talk about when I get home.

 

I had some serious snuggles with a tired Youngest after we got home as my Agent time.

 

My one good thing is that I finally got through all the "here is the first day of class" information and the syllabuses for both classes. I have one binder set up, I need to work on the other today and hopefully get it organized. Because online class means I need paper copies of things and silliness like that because I grew up in the paper age.

 

Anyway, update for the day.

Goal

Description

1/17/2018

Nutrition

120 oz water

y

Strength

Leg lifts

35

 

sit ups

60

 

Reverse sit ups

15

 

Push ups

18

 

Balance Ball push ups

5

Flexibility

Wrist Extension Stretch

y

 

Upward dog/Child pose

y

 

Butterfly

y

 

Ballet/toe Touch

y

 

Meditating Groot

y

Life and Family

Spend time with Agents

y

 

One good thing

y

 

Plan

y

 

Be in bed by 11:30

y

 

Check seedlings

y

Fight Chaos

Pennisula/Island

y

Clean all these daily

Table

y

 

Desk

y

 

Bathroom up

y

 

Bathroom down

y

At least 5 minutes per room (at least one)

Bedroom

y

 

Computer room

y

 

Basement

y

 

Clean Half wall

y

Walking

Walk 10500 steps

11021

 

Walk 15 minutes a day

y

 

Walk to Mordor

y

 

Total points for day 15/15

Total points for entire challenge 191.65/240

 

Bonus Goals

1/17/2017

Eat dried apricots

y

Eat Banana

y

Eat yogurt

y

 

Total Bonus points for day 3/3   

Total bonus points for entire challenge 39/ 45

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So 3 things that i want to get up before I respond to all the wonderful cheering.

A) I remembered what else I wanted to talk about yesterday. I was at Youngest's school when I was asked by another PTO mom to chair an entire committee.... Okay, first off, while I am honored they thought of me (and a bit scared they are that desperate), I said no. Like lots of no,  I was trying to be nice but HELL THE FUCK NO. It was to do the teacher appreciation stuff, and while I will bake bread and cook  for these people, I do not have time to run the thing. So see, I can say no. I explained my whole "I can be a grunt in many places, or a leader of one" and I am too close to leading a club as it is.

b ) So After how long has Agent black left the tree alone, the last 2 days, its become a personal challenge to knock ornaments and lights off. I just spend time taking all the ornaments off and getting the lights off. They aren't put away right, but that is something Hubby likes to do his way, so they are in a bin safe from teeth. He needs played with, I get that, but unless I remind people, no one else thinks of it.

 

C). The scale hates me. I reached a new high weight at weigh in this morning. Seriously, this is not helping the anxiety about failing at everything. Especially since I am having nightmares about failing everything right now. I know its the fact I am not outrunning the fork, but seriously, I kinda want to lie and say its muscle, or hormones, or or or... aliens. Something that isn't me failing at the eating better and being a pig. (And yes, friend Christmas probably played a role, but again, new HIGH). At this rate, I am getting closer to 300 not farther....

 

Okay, responses then homework, because homework should be first, but I need a break..

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11 hours ago, Severine said:

I definitely see more than one good thing in that post!  /hugs

 

I saw some good, but more bad since there were a few big One more thing, that hit. And it was hard to see around them. I am trying...

 

8 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

You were crazy busy but you still knocked your challenge goals out of the park! Keep it up Bean Sidhe, you're doing great! 

 

I got challenge goals done, but not much homework. I should be doing that right now, but that is where I will go back in a minute.

 

4 hours ago, PollyannaAgain said:

I second what @Severine said! Keep it up! You can do it! :) 

 

I am trying. I just gotta move forward.

 

 

oh and one more thing for above:

 

D) It was finally nice enough to go outside. It was a heatwave at 34 out and it was sunny and I took Agent K9 out and I just stood there soaking up the warm sun in just a denim shirt. it was so nice, and I sat there and tried to make roots grow out my feet to hopefully get me rebalanced. It didn't solve everything, but it did help, if the heat wave continues, I may even be able to go sit by the herb bed for a few minutes this weekend. Maybe even walk outside too

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3 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I know its the fact I am not outrunning the fork, but seriously, I kinda want to lie and say its muscle, or hormones, or or or... aliens.

Aliens-debunked.gif

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4 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

A) I remembered what else I wanted to talk about yesterday. I was at Youngest's school when I was asked by another PTO mom to chair an entire committee.... Okay, first off, while I am honored they thought of me (and a bit scared they are that desperate), I said no. Like lots of no,  I was trying to be nice but HELL THE FUCK NO. It was to do the teacher appreciation stuff, and while I will bake bread and cook  for these people, I do not have time to run the thing. So see, I can say no. I explained my whole "I can be a grunt in many places, or a leader of one" and I am too close to leading a club as it is.

Fuck yeah! I'm glad you were able to say no and stick to it. :)

 

(teach me how?)

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So 3 things that i want to get up before I respond to all the wonderful cheering.

A) I remembered what else I wanted to talk about yesterday. I was at Youngest's school when I was asked by another PTO mom to chair an entire committee.... Okay, first off, while I am honored they thought of me (and a bit scared they are that desperate), I said no. Like lots of no,  I was trying to be nice but HELL THE FUCK NO. It was to do the teacher appreciation stuff, and while I will bake bread and cook  for these people, I do not have time to run the thing. So see, I can say no. I explained my whole "I can be a grunt in many places, or a leader of one" and I am too close to leading a club as it is.

b ) So After how long has Agent black left the tree alone, the last 2 days, its become a personal challenge to knock ornaments and lights off. I just spend time taking all the ornaments off and getting the lights off. They aren't put away right, but that is something Hubby likes to do his way, so they are in a bin safe from teeth. He needs played with, I get that, but unless I remind people, no one else thinks of it.
 
C). The scale hates me. I reached a new high weight at weigh in this morning. Seriously, this is not helping the anxiety about failing at everything. Especially since I am having nightmares about failing everything right now. I know its the fact I am not outrunning the fork, but seriously, I kinda want to lie and say its muscle, or hormones, or or or... aliens. Something that isn't me failing at the eating better and being a pig. (And yes, friend Christmas probably played a role, but again, new HIGH). At this rate, I am getting closer to 300 not farther....
 
Okay, responses then homework, because homework should be first, but I need a break..


I am so proud of you!! It's so difficult to say no! You are such an altruistic person that you might forget that you need to care of you too :)
It is an alien that makes your weight high, or better two: stress and lack of sleep. You had a tough time and it's normal to need self care. Don't stress about the weight, keep adjusting your routine. When all the firefighting you have been doing lately will be domated you'll discover that losing weight becomes easier!
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Agreed, saying no is a win!

 

Regarding the weight all I can say is I've been in the position of seeing a new high on the scale and I certainly felt very discouraged. You know (at least logically) that your weight does not define you or determine your worth, so try to remind your brain of that. You know what to do nutritionally in order to work on stuff but that doesn't mean it's easy, and you have a zillion things competing for your time and energy so it's perfectly understandable that it's hard to be consistent. You're probably right that Christmas was part of it. Just remember that what appears on the scale today has no power over tomorrow or next week or next month. Nothing is set in stone or unchangeable. Little changes that you make now can shift the direction things are going.

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19 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

Aliens-debunked.gif

 

Maybe I am just over too many things, but hes starting to sound legitimate.

 

17 hours ago, fleaball said:

Fuck yeah! I'm glad you were able to say no and stick to it. :)

 

(teach me how?)

 

In this case, this is a policy I adopted a few years ago. I tried leading something once, it took all my free time, so I Couldn't do the other things. And with my time being what it is now, I have to stick to it.  Because as Hubby put it "You are taking a flame thrower to the candle. You know that right?"

 

I wish I could teach you. I really do.

 

15 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

I am so proud of you!! It's so difficult to say no! You are such an altruistic person that you might forget that you need to care of you too :)

 

In this case, it was easy, I know what the result would be, and while I felt bad doing it, the lady I was talking to understood which makes it easier. At the same time, I really just want to go to family member who has given me so much flak about "learn to say no" and go "I HAVE." But I won't, because good kid. I didn't make room for me, I just didn't take on anymore.

 

15 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

 

It is an alien that makes your weight high, or better two: stress and lack of sleep. You had a tough time and it's normal to need self care. Don't stress about the weight, keep adjusting your routine. When all the firefighting you have been doing lately will be domated you'll discover that losing weight becomes easier!

 

 

Great, now I have aliens and trolls following me around. Stress is an old friend. But the sleep is actually better right now than its been in a while. I have been sticking to bedtime, and while I don't always sleep the whole night, I am doing okay. I try not to stress more about the weight, but sometimes, I really just want to see a win here.

Oh and I have this on my desk next to my computer. Stress-is-when-you-wake-up-screaming-and

 

10 hours ago, Severine said:

Regarding the weight all I can say is I've been in the position of seeing a new high on the scale and I certainly felt very discouraged. You know (at least logically) that your weight does not define you or determine your worth, so try to remind your brain of that. You know what to do nutritionally in order to work on stuff but that doesn't mean it's easy, and you have a zillion things competing for your time and energy so it's perfectly understandable that it's hard to be consistent. You're probably right that Christmas was part of it. Just remember that what appears on the scale today has no power over tomorrow or next week or next month. Nothing is set in stone or unchangeable. Little changes that you make now can shift the direction things are going.

 

Logically, I Know its a number. I could be trading fat for muscle, and I am okay I guess with being the fat strong lady. But I also know I have been overeating. I have been doing too much and I need to cut back on the food.  I just also remember form when I have counted calories, It kicked my ass. It is so time intensive. The goal, to stop the bedtime snacks (or at least not let Hubby put an entire bag of chips and a full thing of dip next to me) and keep going.

I have to accept the small changes, I can't do big ones and make them work. But part of it feels like "One more damn thing that caught fire"

 

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Thursday

 

It went okay. I am doing this so late, I am starting to forget what happened. Work was dumb, because their lack of planning... emergency... blah. The scale was dumb. I got the tree cleared, I did a TON of homework (Yay pages with lots of diagrams and less text). I still have so much to do, but I am hoping to make progress.


However, Eldest came home not feeling good from school. I got a fairly decent walk in on the treadmill with under a 20 minute mile at a 2.0 incline. So I will take that.

I need to focus on the positives right now. I am starting to spiral into the not positives. However, I also know that is a result of the part of the month it is. At the same time, I could use a win somewhere).  Just gotta keep moving forward.

 

1 good thing, making progress with the homework.


Agent time, planning girls weekend. Which just got cancelled, but we planned it. We are going to try and do parts. But we planned it and had fun planning it.
 

Goal

Description

1/18/2018

Nutrition

120 oz water

y

Strength

Leg lifts

20

 

sit ups

40

 

Reverse sit ups

10

 

Push ups

17

 

Balance Ball push ups

11

Flexibility

Wrist Extension Stretch

y

 

Upward dog/Child pose

y

 

Butterfly

y

 

Ballet/toe Touch

y

 

Meditating Groot

y

Life and Family

Spend time with Agents

y

 

One good thing

y

 

Plan

y

 

Be in bed by 11:30

y

 

Check seedlings

y

Fight Chaos

Pennisula/Island

y

Clean all these daily

Table

y

 

Desk

y

 

Bathroom up

y

 

Bathroom down

y

At least 5 minutes per room (at least one)

Bedroom

y

 

Computer room

y

 

Basement

y

 

Clean Half wall

y

Walking

Walk 10500 steps

10707

 

Walk 15 minutes a day

y

 

Walk to Mordor

y

 

Total points for day 15/15

Total points for entire challenge 206.65/255

 

Bonus Goals

1/18/2017

Eat dried apricots

y

Eat Banana

y

Eat yogurt

y

 

Total Bonus points for day 3/3   

Total bonus points for entire challenge 45/ 51

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Wins as I read it: homework, tree clearing, treadmill walk, social time with girls, surviving work nonsense.

 

Many wins!  You have won this puppy:

 

giphy.gif

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2 hours ago, Severine said:

Wins as I read it: homework, tree clearing, treadmill walk, social time with girls, surviving work nonsense.

 

Thanks, I saw them all as problems because I am just in that head space.

 

2 hours ago, Severine said:

Many wins!  You have won this puppy:

 

giphy.gif

 

Cute puppy

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I so don't need this right now.  (sorry, I need to throw a sailor moon  size crying fit)

 

giphy.gif

Eldest is sick, like Watch me spike a random fever, not be able to breathe and moan sick. So my entire plan for the day, for the entire weekend went poof. We are under quarantine.

Youngest told me today her nose was getting stuffy.  (so she will probably be sick with him tomorrow)

 

My nose is filling up.

 

So I adjust, I make everything happen that can, and fall behind on the homework because kids need me. We don't have the stuff I would normally have on hand for this, I can't get out and I have no one to call (long story, go into later). So if I run out, we are going ot have to adjust


And then, I am sitting here, trying to make up homework time because well, I fell behind today, I have homework due on Sunday night and Monday night, and I am not through either one. I am getting close to finishing the readings, but. the panic was really starting to set in.

 

I knowing I am going to blow my bedtime (None of the challenge stuff is done yet), but maybe I can pull this off and I catch Agent Feline trying to poop on one of Agent K9's beds RIGHT NEXT TO ME. (like within 2 feet of me)


I walked him down to the litter box, nothing, I bring him back up, he goes right back to trying to poop on the bed. He's now in the dog crate with a litter box and a bed. I feel like I am stuck. I love him so DAMN much, but I don't want to be mad at him. However, I may of just made the whole litter box in the basement thing scarier yet when he wouldn't do that, ran upstairs, got attacked by Agent black, tried to go hide on the second floor and brought him down and threw him in the crate.  So then I go to what's his quality of life, is this a phase... But hes my baby, and I just lost Agent Kitty and what kind of horrible mom am I for putting him down for pooping outside the box, but do I want the rest of his life being me finding poop in random places or dealing with him pooping in weird spots?

He's probably sleeping in there tonight. I don't know if I Can deal with waking up to cat poop somewhere else.  I just really want to go cry now.  Instead I am going to give up on the homework thing and go do my challenge stuff and get to bed. Night all.

 

giphy.gif

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So now that Luna is pissed at me for throwing such a dumb crybaby fit...

tumblr_nh4px8J2XO1tggy4no1_500.gif

 

I am better today. Let me start off with, Agent Feline would not be put down for just pooping outside the box. But he has other issues (heart murmur, and possibly a sinus tumor since he sneezes horribly all the time. The current record is 38 in a row.) but he has always had a good quality of life, so we deal with the symptoms and as long as he is happy, we are glad to have him. I just fear this whole "locking in a crate thing" will make it so he is unhappy or so the quality of life goes down. 

Last night, I just couldn't take one more thing. I was done and I didn't handle it well, and I am sorry. None of you needed to deal with that. I acted like a giant spoiled brat and well, lets just say I am not pleased with myself.

Eldest Agent is better-ish. He acted more himself but he woke up at like 3 am and didn't go back to sleep. Hes having a hard time getting there now, so we will see how that goes. He still has a fever and his sinuses are not great, but he is at least sounding like himself.

Youngest seems fine, I have been pushing fluids and Vitamin C. She is more upset that she can't do the things we normally do this weekend, but she is being a little mommy and helping. But shes mad that my attention has been so split between Eldest, homework and her.

Me, well I am tired (shocker) but really I am okay. I was up WAY too late last night, and I spent most of the day doing homework. The bedtime challenge is dead for today, but I am planning on getting back on track with that tomorrow.

The daily update will go up in a minute. But overall yesterday was bad as a human day but a decent day as a challenge day.

 

Now, I need to get my challenge stuff up and then work ont he challenge stuff for today. I still have more homework to catch up on, but that is after I get some walking in and my stretches and things.

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First off

 

6600402827f0f2e012460688fd1a35f0.png

 

I found this on the internet today. I think is fairly fitting considering how we had been talking about me being more like an uprooted tree of late. Still working on that, maybe I will get outside in the sun tomorrow for a bit.

Friday was a crazy day.

 

Besides the sick kid, I worked, then I got off work early to go help at Youngest school as her class did their first dissection. And more of the kids had fun with it than we expected, and no one passed out or threw up, so win.  Then it went downhill.

 

I have caught myself eating more lately, so there is the reason for that damn food alien. I need to have a chat with him.

 

Hubby did tell me he thought I was a bit crazy last night for doing all the stretches and pushups and things. But he said its okay because it means something to me and he will support me on it, he just doesn't want to have to to it.

 

I did try to get on the treadmill, but I kept hearing weird noises upstairs (I was in the basement) so I got off to investigate. Instead I ended up walking for 15 minutes around the first floor and I still hit goal. So that is done. Most of my push ups and things are really low since I just didn't care. I know I should have, but I started them so late, I was so tired and a bit weak so it was more a "do something, but hate yourself for not pushing harder tomorrow" thing.

 

Anyway, back to moving forward. I still have a ton of homework to do, and almost all my chores, so I need to get to work.

 

And If anyone read this far, I hope no one is mad I have a crybaby moment last night. That was bad, and kinda doing a "now they all hate me" thing. I am sure I am wrong, but if I did offend anyone, please forgive me.

One good thing was showing kids that science is fun.

 

Agent time was showing her Season one of Sailor moon. She loves it.

 

Goal

Description

1/19/2018

Nutrition

120 oz water

y

Strength

Leg lifts

10

 

sit ups

10

 

Reverse sit ups

5

 

Push ups

7

 

Balance Ball push ups

10

Flexibility

Wrist Extension Stretch

Y

 

Upward dog/Child pose

y

 

Butterfly

y

 

Ballet/toe Touch

y

 

Meditating Groot

y

Life and Family

Spend time with Agents

y

 

One good thing

y

 

Plan

y

 

Be in bed by 11:30

n

 

Check seedlings

y

Fight Chaos

Pennisula/Island

y

Clean all these daily

Table

y

 

Desk

y

 

Bathroom up

y

 

Bathroom down

y

At least 5 minutes per room (at least one)

Bedroom

y

 

Computer room

y

 

Basement

y

 

Clean Half wall

y

Walking

Walk 10500 steps

10581

 

Walk 15 minutes a day

y

 

Walk to Mordor

y

 

Total points for day 14/15

Total points for entire challenge 220.65/270

 

Bonus Goals

1/19/2017

Eat dried apricots

y

Eat Banana

y

Eat yogurt

y

 

Total Bonus points for day 3/3   

Total bonus points for entire challenge 48/ 54

 

 

 

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15 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Last night, I just couldn't take one more thing. I was done and I didn't handle it well, and I am sorry. None of you needed to deal with that. I acted like a giant spoiled brat and well, lets just say I am not pleased with myself.

 

4 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

And If anyone read this far, I hope no one is mad I have a crybaby moment last night. That was bad, and kinda doing a "now they all hate me" thing. I am sure I am wrong, but if I did offend anyone, please forgive me.

 

No one hates you or feels offended by your rough day. When things go badly, you are allowed to be upset. I gotta say, it would be pretty hypocritical of any of us who are following you to get judgey about you having a feeling on NF... for God's sake, I have an entire battle log dedicated to complaining. 

 

I'm not sure what I can do or say to help you understand we want you here through good and bad. We welcome all of you, Bean. You belong here. I hope someday you'll believe in yourself and in us enough to feel confident about that. 

 

Best wishes for you, Eldest, and Agent Black! Illness and infirmity are tough, but I see you there focusing on quality of life and healing and prevention. You're doing your best and everyone loves you for it, don't think otherwise. I've said it before, but don't forget to take care of my friend Bean while you're at it, though! She's important too, and I like her a lot and would hate to see anything bad happen to her. <3

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48 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

So now that Luna is pissed at me for throwing such a dumb crybaby fit...


Last night, I just couldn't take one more thing. I was done and I didn't handle it well, and I am sorry. None of you needed to deal with that. I acted like a giant spoiled brat and well, lets just say I am not pleased with myself.

 

38 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

And If anyone read this far, I hope no one is mad I have a crybaby moment last night. That was bad, and kinda doing a "now they all hate me" thing. I am sure I am wrong, but if I did offend anyone, please forgive me.

 

Oh wow. No. Please don't apologize for this, Bean. You were frustrated and overwhelmed and needed to get those feelings out. You're human and you're allowed to feel that way and to need to vent. You say we don't need to deal with that, and maybe we don't in the strictest sense of the word, but we want to. We come here to support you when you have good things to report AND when the world is falling down around you and you don't know what to do. 

 

25 minutes ago, Wobbegong said:

I gotta say, it would be pretty hypocritical of any of us who are following you to get judgey about you having a feeling on NF...

This. Especially in my case.

 

tumblr_oozcen4lr71vcoikjo1_400.gif

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Ha, the alien thing catched on, I see :)
I read both your supposed tantrum and your apologies and was still 'waaat?'
I make scenes for much less, should I stop then? Please allow me to vent, venting yourself when you need it!
We are here for you when you need us, in rebellions not all days are equal for all, if you have a tie fighter at your x-wing tail you need to call for another rebel to destroy it!
And here we are shooting at the alien that is bothering you. If someone can do it, it is you Bean, you have the Force within you!

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15 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

No one hates you or feels offended by your rough day. When things go badly, you are allowed to be upset. I gotta say, it would be pretty hypocritical of any of us who are following you to get judgey about you having a feeling on NF... for God's sake, I have an entire battle log dedicated to complaining. 

 

Thank you, I have had issues with people in the past. They want me to support them (not just family) but as soon as I need to vent or get upset, it goes badly, so after I fall apart, I worry I have upset others with my emotions.

 

15 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

I'm not sure what I can do or say to help you understand we want you here through good and bad. We welcome all of you, Bean. You belong here. I hope someday you'll believe in yourself and in us enough to feel confident about that. 

 

Thank you, this is wonderful. I hope one day I won't always be worried that people are going to tell me to get lost or that I am a parasite (happened). I am actually better at this than I use to be but I know I should trust my friends not to abandon me, but the track record there makes it still a bit of a challenge for me.

 

15 hours ago, Wobbegong said:

Best wishes for you, Eldest, and Agent Black! Illness and infirmity are tough, but I see you there focusing on quality of life and healing and prevention. You're doing your best and everyone loves you for it, don't think otherwise. I've said it before, but don't forget to take care of my friend Bean while you're at it, though! She's important too, and I like her a lot and would hate to see anything bad happen to her. <3

 

Thanks, I am feeling okay aside from a really nasty headache. Agent Eldest's fever broke overnight, so he is starting to act more himself and apparently is starving since he didn't eat much the last few days. Agent Feline is still a question mark. HE decided this morning to try pooping on the dog bed 2 feet from me again. I locked him in the crate for a bit and he did that, but I hate doing that. I may need to look into yet another litter box or something. I just don't know yet. I really want to keep him forever, but I also refuse to make him suffer or not be able to feel like who he use to be. Does that make sense?

 

 

14 hours ago, fleaball said:

Oh wow. No. Please don't apologize for this, Bean. You were frustrated and overwhelmed and needed to get those feelings out. You're human and you're allowed to feel that way and to need to vent. You say we don't need to deal with that, and maybe we don't in the strictest sense of the word, but we want to. We come here to support you when you have good things to report AND when the world is falling down around you and you don't know what to do. 

 

Thank you flea. I am crying now, I forget people want to deal with bad as well as good. See above. Usually I am just suppose to hold the world together and then get told my feelings are not a thing. Some days, it just seems like the world says "Hey, lets make all this happen at once"

 

14 hours ago, fleaball said:

This. Especially in my case.

 

tumblr_oozcen4lr71vcoikjo1_400.gif

 

Kitty cuddles. thank you. And part of this is, With all you have going on Flea, you have more to deal with than most and  my brain just says "Flea has enough to deal with without my BS, so I shouldn't bother her"
 

9 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

Ha, the alien thing catched on, I see :)

 

Yep, I am followed/plagued by aliens and trolls. Time to figure out how to deal with both. I may need to come up with names for the aliens now.

 

9 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

I read both your supposed tantrum and your apologies and was still 'waaat?'
I make scenes for much less, should I stop then? Please allow me to vent, venting yourself when you need it!

You are allowed to vent always. I was taught many things, most of which "be seen but never heard" and "support others but don't expect any back" and "venting or having too many emotions makes people leave" and "if you whine too much, people will pity you and not take you seriously" so I support others, keep most of my life to myself, and keep the worst to myself, because I like you all and I don't want to lose you all. Its a double standard, I know,  to support others but never expect it returned. But its what I grew up with and even my friends at an early age reinforced it. I got my first true friends in college who could handle emotions and were actually willing to deal with them.

 

9 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

 

We are here for you when you need us, in rebellions not all days are equal for all, if you have a tie fighter at your x-wing tail you need to call for another rebel to destroy it!
And here we are shooting at the alien that is bothering you. If someone can do it, it is you Bean, you have the Force within you!

I love this. So thank you, I guess part is I am never sure how to ask for help. Its still a fairly foreign concept.  BUt time to fight the aliens and Grog the (People don't like you) troll and get back to doing this right.

 

jyn.gif

 

 

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I really want to punch a whole lot of people in your life. They're wrong. You're allowed to have feelings and you're allowed to need support. You don't have to do everything by yourself. Weirdos on the internet may not be able to do a lot to help you because of location, but we're here to do whatever we can.

 

5 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Kitty cuddles. thank you. And part of this is, With all you have going on Flea, you have more to deal with than most and  my brain just says "Flea has enough to deal with without my BS, so I shouldn't bother her"

Try looking at it this way: Flea would welcome a distraction from her own bullshit. Because it's totally true. And fwiw I feel like YOU have a lot more going on than I do. Not like this is a competition, but just that I cannot imagine being in your situation with a family and animals and work and school and other assorted chaos. So the next time Grog or whoever else tells you not to bother me, kick him in the nuts and bother me anyway.

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19 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

And If anyone read this far, I hope no one is mad I have a crybaby moment last night. That was bad, and kinda doing a "now they all hate me" thing. I am sure I am wrong, but if I did offend anyone, please forgive me.
 

 

I must have read this wrong. It looks almost as if you are asking us to forgive you for being a regular human being who is less than perfect, and who occasionally has feelings that benefits no one but herself. That can't be right... if nothing else because if we are going to be fair and consistent and hold everyone to the same standard, that means no one else is allowed to be a regular human being who has feelings every now and then, and that's kind of a shitty thing to do to the rest of us.

 

Alternatively, we can look at it from the opposite direction: If it wouldn't offend you when someone else here has a crybaby moment, then it probably won't offend us when you have one either. Stop apologizing for not being perfect. No one is, and it's not a crime for you to have a moment of weakness, any more than it is for one of us.

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15 hours ago, fleaball said:

I really want to punch a whole lot of people in your life. They're wrong. You're allowed to have feelings and you're allowed to need support. You don't have to do everything by yourself. Weirdos on the internet may not be able to do a lot to help you because of location, but we're here to do whatever we can.

 

Hey, I like my weirdos and thank you. I came to terms with the fact that I have baggage and sometimes I hide it better than others. I have actually gotten rid of some,  but not all of it and sometimes its not as well hidden as I would like. And There is a list very long list of people in my life that a couple of people want to punch. I just look at is as "it made me who I am, for better or worse" and well, if I punch some of them, it would end badly.

 

15 hours ago, fleaball said:

Try looking at it this way: Flea would welcome a distraction from her own bullshit. Because it's totally true. And fwiw I feel like YOU have a lot more going on than I do. Not like this is a competition, but just that I cannot imagine being in your situation with a family and animals and work and school and other assorted chaos. So the next time Grog or whoever else tells you not to bother me, kick him in the nuts and bother me anyway.

 

OKay, thank you. I have a sister that says the same thing about the distraction. I just always worry I am overloading people. I don't see it as that much, I guess I see it as normal because how many other families have more kids, more activities, less cashflow. So to me, it doesn't seem like something to complain about. Which is why I hate when I do.

I will make sure Grog gets the message.

 

12 hours ago, scalyfreak said:

 

I must have read this wrong. It looks almost as if you are asking us to forgive you for being a regular human being who is less than perfect, and who occasionally has feelings that benefits no one but herself. That can't be right... if nothing else because if we are going to be fair and consistent and hold everyone to the same standard, that means no one else is allowed to be a regular human being who has feelings every now and then, and that's kind of a shitty thing to do to the rest of us.

 

You forgot one very important logic point here, the Double standard. I see everyone else has plenty of reasons to complain and every right to do so. There are so many people in the world that have it worse than I do, I should just stop complaining. so the world can complain and need help and have emotions, but I can't because well, I have no right.

 

12 hours ago, scalyfreak said:

Alternatively, we can look at it from the opposite direction: If it wouldn't offend you when someone else here has a crybaby moment, then it probably won't offend us when you have one either. Stop apologizing for not being perfect. No one is, and it's not a crime for you to have a moment of weakness, any more than it is for one of us.

 

Thank you for this. I know its not, I just got drilled into me no one wants to deal with my BS so I shouldn't have any. Again, something I am working on since I tend to bottle until I have a little explosion of emotions (usually tears), and then return to some semblance of normal.  I just grew up with everyone having a different standard than I did, so it really does seem normal to me to have one set of rules for me and one for everyone else.

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32 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

 

You forgot one very important logic point here, the Double standard. I see everyone else has plenty of reasons to complain and every right to do so. There are so many people in the world that have it worse than I do, I should just stop complaining. so the world can complain and need help and have emotions, but I can't because well, I have no right.

 

Ooooh dangerous path. We should not go further down this one... because it ends at this destination:

 

The rest of you out there are allowed to be weak and need help, because you can't help it. You aren't expected to be perfect, because we both know you can't. I, on the other hand, could be perfect if I tried harder than I do now... unlike everyone else in the world. It makes perfect sense to apply higher standards to myself than to all of you. I, unlike you losers, could actually meet them, superior as I am.

 

So let's not go there. Stop being so condescending towards everyone else, and realize you're not actually better than us. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll be able to drop the double standard.

 

I'm good at twisting things around. :P 

 

As for the, "I have no right to complain"... whoever taught you that being unhappy or over-whelmed is the same as "complaining" and isn't allowed, and who continues to enforce that every time they talk to you, is someone you need to eject from your life. Regardless of who they are. Remove the tumor.

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