• Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

Ensi

Ensi: The Beasts Of The New Year

Recommended Posts

22 hours ago, Terah said:

Don't ;) 

I mean: keep having an open mind, keep being curious about the world, keep playing and having fun. Keep making mistakes, keep learning from them. You don't have to have it all figured out, no one does (although some pretend they have). 

It is good to examine your old expectations and believes, but you don't have to form new ones overnight. Take your time, you've got the rest of your life <3

 

<3 Thanks for reminding me that it doesn't need to happen overnight. I just felt a couple of years ago like I had found home, in a way. There were people and things that made me feel like home, but then again, I can no longer tell if it was only because I managed to live up to my own expectations. Maybe that's not what home feels like... It felt awesome, but maybe not home. I want both those feelings in my life, but I'm sure I will get back there. Right now I'm going from some depression and hopelessness to something else. I have started to feel like my own time and my hobbies matter, and they are meaningful and important, which is great :)

 

I didn't sleep well last night, so I've been tired and I've eaten a lot. I even woke up in the middle of the night to eat, because I realized that the yoga practice I did in the evening was more demanding than I realized, and I needed some food. So, my choices haven't been the smartest, but not the worst possible, either. But the Beasts have been out for a walk, I went through some math problems with Savannah when there was quiet at work, and now I'm watching Netflix with Peregrin. I haven't done any yoga with Cannonball today, but it's only 7:45 PM - I'm very tired, but I  could do some gentle stretching in bed while watching Elementary :P My plan is to hit the hay at 9 PM and sleep as long as I want - my first week at work is over! It's been very lovely: I feel like people really like me there, and my work assignments haven't been overwhelming. Sure, getting used to the new daily rhythm has taken its toll, but it'll get easier soon enough. I'm so happy I made sleeping a goal this challenge, because goddarn it's awesome x__x After this restorative month, I will start building a solid foundation for bodyweight training, and keep practicing with the instructions on startbodyweight.com. But first, let me sleep for a month...

 

I've calmed down with the "being single" drama, and now I actually enjoy being by myself. Now that I'm in a place where people seem happy to have me around, I can see just how badly I've tried to fit in places where I don't belong. A bit like having Woodkid ask me out for a coffee and then easily spending 4 hours just talking about stuff made me realize, how much I tried to make it work with HC. It's a very human thing to do, but maybe that's why trying is so important - one day you might end up in a place where you understand the difference between fitting in and belonging, right? Maybe this helps me to deal with all the embarrassing stuff I've done in order to fit in in the past. Or not :DDD

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, otterbyte said:

 

Coincidentally, this article just popped up in my newsfeed:

 

There's never been a better time to be single

 

Ha, it's not every day that someone introduces themselves by providing me science that tells me that I'm OK :D So, hi, and thanks! What I got from the article is that there are many people in my situation, and that's OK.I want to believe that a person can be happy and healthy both single and married. There are just so many variables that it's hard to say what makes a person happy or not. But what would make me happy right now, would be to embrace my current situation and make the best of it - and keep doing that through the rest of my life, I guess :P

 

**

 

I hit the hay a bit before 9 PM, and woke up a bit after 6 AM :) I was actually ready to start sleeping at 7 PM, but I wanted to wait for a couple of hours to keep my sleeping pattern OK. I've gone to bed all week whenever I've gotten tired, but it's been hard to fall asleep: the Shark Week and starting the job have shaken my system up a bit. Totally normal, and I'm sure I'll sleep better from now on. I don't feel as tired and sick as I did a couple of days ago, and my throat doesn't hurt anymore. I hope this means that I'm making it out of the illness without antibiotics...! I think the last time I was on antibiotics was in 2014. I wish to keep this streak up O__o

 

Today's agenda:

 

  • go for a walk + get groceries
  • yoga
  • take a nap
  • practice math
  • journal
  • call Mom

 

I had an omelette with goat cheese and avocado for breakfast, plus some snacking. I finally found good avocados, but I'm worried that they'll go bad before I manage to eat them all...! They're in the fridge now, I hope that they can keep themselves fresh for a few more days o__o I had more chocolate and protein bars this week as I'd usually like to, but it's been a bit harder week with SW, work, and being slightly sick. I'm gonna do better from now on :) I'm gonna do my groceries today and do meal prep tomorrow. Have a lovely Saturday, y'all!

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Ensi said:

.I want to believe that a person can be happy and healthy both single and married.

Being in a relationship (even a great one) does not necessarily make anyone happy.  Happiness is dependent on one person alone and that is you.  The secret to lasting happiness is to be able to find happiness in whatever situation you are in.  :)   So don't worry, be happy!

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Being in a relationship (even a great one) does not necessarily make anyone happy.  Happiness is dependent on one person alone and that is you.  The secret to lasting happiness is to be able to find happiness in whatever situation you are in.  :)   So don't worry, be happy!

 

Filed under "things we know to be true, but are sometimes hard to remember" :D I've just had a bad narrative going on in my life, and I've seen my story going "wrong". I'm currently trying to change the genre to something that suits me better... Actually, I noticed my anxiety shifting from me being single to another area of my life today - but I caught that little shit!!

 

giphy.gif

 

No, I really did :D What I mean is that I understood the root issue that caused the anxiety, which in turn manifests itself in different ways. And then I was able to take care of myself, and managed to flip that anxiety into determination. But I'm also gonna mix a very important ingredient to determination, and that is patience. I finally did the True Yoga Day 2 today, and the theme was "trust". I started to think about the things I need to trust in order to feel happy. For example, I thought about how it is sometimes boring to get healthy. In a way, it demands a lot of waiting, and not being able to see the results right away is... boring. It's like gardening: you can tend to your garden to make it the way you want, but it still takes time until the plants grow and you can see the results. I haven't respected this aspect of my efforts lately, and so, I decided to trust my actions and be patient with seeing the results. I decided to trust that taking it a bit lighter with exercise this month and getting a ton of sleep will make me happier and healthier. The temptation to start tough exercise right away is huge, but I'm going to control it and trust that it'll be a good thing to take it slower :)

 

TL;DR: All the work I've done to understand my anxieties is finally paying off. Hurah!

 

My current list:

 

  • go for a walk + get groceries
  • yoga
  • take a nap
  • practice math
  • journal
  • call Mom

 

I did yoga in the morning, did my laundry, went for a walk and got some groceries, and then I took a nap. Then I spent some time reading online, until I put the laptop away and decided to pamper myself a little :P I took a shower, washed my hair and used a mango shower gel and a sponge to scrub my skin. Then I dried my hair and put on an avocado/clay facial mask, and read a magazine while waiting for the mask to work its magic :D Then I felt like doing some more yoga: I rolled open the yoga mat, and did some basic sequences. I finished by doing some exercises with the foam roller, and massaging my legs with the massage ball (40 min in total). I love all the equipment I bought <3 It was nice to take some time to pamper myself :) I finally bought the Intuitive Eating e-book, too, and I took some notes while reading. (Nope, I haven't actually read the book before - I've used online sources so far!) Then I did some journaling based on the thoughts the book gave me, and I think that's how I'm gonna do journaling for now :) I'm happy with my food choices today, and my body feels good after getting some exercise!

 

I'm gonna practice math now. I already took some time to code with Savannah, and now we're gonna go through a couple of problems to get ready for the exam. I wish you all patience with your goals, and trust in your efforts. Let's keep it going!

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Ensi said:

Ha, it's not every day that someone introduces themselves by providing me science that tells me that I'm OK :D So, hi, and thanks!

 

Yes, sorry, I'm usually not so forward, but it was just so perfectly timed it seemed planned. :) But, more formally, Hello! And I love your challenge...I am a sucker for the fuzzy critters of all types (even spiders) so this will be an especially fun thread to follow. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6.1.2018 at 10:25 PM, otterbyte said:

 

Yes, sorry, I'm usually not so forward, but it was just so perfectly timed it seemed planned. :) But, more formally, Hello! And I love your challenge...I am a sucker for the fuzzy critters of all types (even spiders) so this will be an especially fun thread to follow. 

 

No need to apologize, I meant that it was a fun way to introduce yourself :D Welcome aboard! There's definitely room for an otter here.

 

tumblr_nesxz24TOQ1rhavdko1_500.gif

 

look at them mad skillz

 

**

 

Yesterday was... interesting. I had a very low and hopeless feeling all day, all of a sudden. It wasn't pretty at all :( I did some journaling and listened myself, and I think I managed to figure out what was wrong, and I'm handling the negative thoughts better now. In short, Peregrin and Savannah had a huge fight (while Cannonball just slept), and I need to assure them both that they'll be fine in the future. It was a good day at work, though, and I even had time to practice math with Savannah. After work, I took Peregrin to my favourite coffee shop after a hard shift at the information desk :D

 

tumblr_o2o25yByPk1v49ioio1_400.gif

 

I also had an interesting talk with the chronic dieter that I mentioned a few day ago. She talked about her low-carb diet, and I told her a bit about my own past with diets and all. I have kept quiet about my disordered eating issue at work, and even now I only talked about my relationship with food - not the reasons behind the eating disorder. She told me how tired she is of dieting and always feeling bad about eating, and she started getting curious about intuitive eating and such. I recommended her a couple of books (of course she wants to read about it - she's a librarian!), but did my best not to pressure her, or tell her that she's doing something wrong. Later in the day another colleague of mine showed me a Finnish book on intuitive eating that's coming out this month! This is excellent news, since there aren't many Finnish books on the subject, and I trust the author: he's written books about health and weight loss, and he believe's that you have to eat enough and take care of every aspect of your health, and you don't have to get it right perfectly. I told this colleague that I have practiced intuitive eating since last May, and she was interested to hear about it. So, that was positive...! :)

 

I would like to do a light workout in the evening and finish it with some yoga with Cannonball. Getting some exercise could help me with the low feelings :) I'm also gonna keep reading the Intuitive Eating book now: Savannah was trained at work, and we'll get the reading goal done now! I painted with Photoshop yesterday, and discovered a couple of new techniques. I'll find some more time to paint this week :) I hope you're all having a good Monday!

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To be completely honest with you guys, I'm considering some form of therapy. I notice that I still carry a lot of emotional baggage with me, and I would love to talk about it with someone, who's an outsider. I really want to tell someone how I feel about certain things, but I have no one I could talk to. It's so hard to let go of some things, and I notice that I still struggle sometimes, and eventually exhaust myself with my thoughts. Getting some more help to work my thoughts could make a big difference. It's like I need someone to tell me that it's OK to let go of everything that feels so bad, but I'm just not brave enough to do it. I feel so often that I'm struggling to achieve things, but I feel like I get nothing. The more I do and achieve, the lonelier I feel, and I notice that I want to isolate myself more and more often these days. I even had some suicidal thoughts yesterday, but I was also pretty aware that those thoughts weren't really me. I'm just tired of struggling with my own thoughts, you know?

 

Blergh. Writing this out helped a bit, already...! And I would never really hurt myself, but I could really use some help to get better. Thanks for listening, I just really needed to vent <3

  • Like 3
  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I firmly believe that everyone would benefit from some form of counselling throughout their lives so I think this is a really good idea. What resources are available to you?

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, deftona said:

I firmly believe that everyone would benefit from some form of counselling throughout their lives so I think this is a really good idea. What resources are available to you?

 

Currently, the void and a glass of wine. Haha! But I am looking at some online therapy possibilities. If I got a referral from a doc, I could get free online therapy, which would suit me fine: I'm not a complete mess, I just struggle with some old ideas and I'd like to get them out of my head. I still struggle with tending to my needs after the childhood (sexual) abuse and bullying, and I find it hard to see my innate worth. I have good tools and I've gotten so much better with my head, but I would love to learn some new ways to cope.

 

I could contact a doctor via university's healthcare, or the occupational health care. I'll look into it :)

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Ensi said:

 

Currently, the void and a glass of wine.

 

Ah, my old friend! Give him my regards! 

 

5 minutes ago, Ensi said:

But I am looking at some online therapy possibilities. If I got a referral from a doc, I could get free online therapy, which would suit me fine: I'm not a complete mess, I just struggle with some old ideas and I'd like to get them out of my head. I still struggle with tending to my needs after the childhood (sexual) abuse and bullying, and I find it hard to see my innate worth. I have good tools and I've gotten so much better with my head, but I would love to learn some new ways to cope.

 

I could contact a doctor via university's healthcare, or the occupational health care. I'll look into it :)

 

You've touched on some of this with me before and I think getting it out of your head would be a great idea. Why online counselling rather than face to face though, if I can ask?

 

I am always around if you need to talk. I can't counsel you (for many, many reasons) but can be a friend and I can also send you chocolate <3 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
34 minutes ago, Ensi said:

To be completely honest with you guys, I'm considering some form of therapy. I notice that I still carry a lot of emotional baggage with me, and I would love to talk about it with someone, who's an outsider. I really want to tell someone how I feel about certain things, but I have no one I could talk to. It's so hard to let go of some things, and I notice that I still struggle sometimes, and eventually exhaust myself with my thoughts. Getting some more help to work my thoughts could make a big difference. It's like I need someone to tell me that it's OK to let go of everything that feels so bad, but I'm just not brave enough to do it. I feel so often that I'm struggling to achieve things, but I feel like I get nothing. The more I do and achieve, the lonelier I feel, and I notice that I want to isolate myself more and more often these days. I even had some suicidal thoughts yesterday, but I was also pretty aware that those thoughts weren't really me. I'm just tired of struggling with my own thoughts, you know?

 

Blergh. Writing this out helped a bit, already...! And I would never really hurt myself, but I could really use some help to get better. Thanks for listening, I just really needed to vent <3

If you have access to it, do it. Even after one session I have more hope of figuring myself out than I did throughout my entire life. It is 100% worth it.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, Ensi said:

I even had some suicidal thoughts yesterday, but I was also pretty aware that those thoughts weren't really me. I'm just tired of struggling with my own thoughts, you know?

 

I think I can relate.  I don't want to downplay the seriousness of any suicidal thoughts, but I also don't want you to feel like you're alone.  I've certainly had my share of moments like this--not wanting to die so much as just wanting to take a break from being me.  It's exhausting being stuck in here with all these thoughts. ;)

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
53 minutes ago, deftona said:

You've touched on some of this with me before and I think getting it out of your head would be a great idea. Why online counselling rather than face to face though, if I can ask?

 

I am always around if you need to talk. I can't counsel you (for many, many reasons) but can be a friend and I can also send you chocolate <3 

 

I express myself better in writing, especially if I'm crying. Writing would just feel easier, and I could do it in my own pace.  Ha, I need to send you a package, too - Pätkis is now available in bigger bars!

 

47 minutes ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

If you have access to it, do it. Even after one session I have more hope of figuring myself out than I did throughout my entire life. It is 100% worth it.

 

True! Just being able to say what bothers you out loud is super helpful. And I feel like I know what the matter is, but it's just so hard to change. And I'm a pro faking that everything's fine: I'm super happy and capable at work, but I still feel like I'm gonna fucking cry at any moment. This might be partly hormonal, but then again, these thoughts make me sad, and being sad makes my hormones whacky. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

44 minutes ago, DrFeelgood said:

 

I think I can relate.  I don't want to downplay the seriousness of any suicidal thoughts, but I also don't want you to feel like you're alone.  I've certainly had my share of moments like this--not wanting to die so much as just wanting to take a break from being me.  It's exhausting being stuck in here with all these thoughts. ;)

 

Thanks <3 I'm sure everyone has moments and thoughts like these, and it does help to know that I'm not alone - even though I don't wish anyone to have these kinds of feelings. It's like I'm trying to adjust a radio, but the button keeps going a bit off, and so, I need to adjust it every day. It's exhausting. x__x Again, thanks for the support!

 

MBhMA.gif

 

Well, I feel already better telling you that I am struggling with these kinds of thoughts. I have hope that I can change this, because I could imagine how things could get better. I just need some support to do that. I'll see what I can do...!

 

ETA; I also managed to contact Woodkid via IG. He hadn't got my messages via FB, and told me that he was sorry that he forgot to pay me. Like, I understand it, but he didn't even take the time to contact me to ask if he could get my bank account number to pay. Like, whatever, but still, what the eff.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I did some journaling, chatted with friends and baked my fav breakfast ready for morning, and I got clarity to some things. I've felt powerless with some things for a long time, and it's started to spread to every single aspect of my life. Like, I get an idea I get excited about, but it's immediately met with "it's gonna fail anyway, it's not worth it, you can't do it", and then my enthusiasm just dies. This is a result of one person always talking to me like this, and I've started to believe it myself (I shouldn't try and go for the master's degree, I shouldn't do the commissions... I don't even want to tell this person that I'd like to contact the language tech people and ask what they're up to). I listed some concrete things that I can actually do in order to feel better, and it's already helping me. I need to start reclaiming my power and define my limits myself. (Filed under: People Pleasing Sucks)

 

bb22.gif

 

Thanks again for letting me vent here! It's been really helpful to get these thoughts out of my head. It's a process, though, and I'm gonna try and get myself some professional help at some point. I'll see how I start feeling after a couple of weeks of doing things my way. If I won't start feeling better, I'll contact the student health services :)

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Ensi said:

To be completely honest with you guys, I'm considering some form of therapy.

I have always been pretty skeptical of therapy and counseling because I didn't believe it really worked.  Well, when I was going through my divorce I ended up talking a lot to my sister (who just happens to be a marriage & family therapist) and I was amazed at how helpful it was.  Just talking to her (through chat, not eve f2f) I was able to understand a lot of the issues I was going through and was able to isolate the things that were causing the problems and identify potential ways of dealing with them.  It put me in a much better place and gave me a much stronger foundation for the second time around.

 

TL;DR: Therapy is awesome, you should totally do it :) 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, Ensi said:

This is a result of one person always talking to me like this, and I've started to believe it myself (I shouldn't try and go for the master's degree, I shouldn't do the commissions... I don't even want to tell this person that I'd like to contact the language tech people and ask what they're up to). I listed some concrete things that I can actually do in order to feel better, and it's already helping me. I need to start reclaiming my power and define my limits myself. (Filed under: People Pleasing Sucks)

 

 

Ouch, that's rough. Our inner critics are usually bad enough without someone on the outside also feeding us those unhelpful and mostly untrue (often all untrue) messages. Is there any way to spend less time interacting with this person? Or to do it through email or some such (where the delete button is an option)? If nothing else, just remember that people like this are usually *extremely* negative with themselves, and like the Scylla, they attack everything around them because of their own pain. As if their making you believe you're incapable justifies their own perceived incapacity.

 

Sending hugs and warm thoughts and a gif of corgi puppies, because... actually, I don't think corgi puppies need a reason.

giphy.gif

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

I have always been pretty skeptical of therapy and counseling because I didn't believe it really worked.  Well, when I was going through my divorce I ended up talking a lot to my sister (who just happens to be a marriage & family therapist) and I was amazed at how helpful it was.  Just talking to her (through chat, not eve f2f) I was able to understand a lot of the issues I was going through and was able to isolate the things that were causing the problems and identify potential ways of dealing with them.  It put me in a much better place and gave me a much stronger foundation for the second time around.

 

TL;DR: Therapy is awesome, you should totally do it :) 

 

Thanks for your insight :) I have been to counselling a couple of times, and I was trying to recall the things I discussed the psychologists back then. It's been helpful, and I've been able to pinpoint my current bad vibes to a basic feeling of shame that I developed at a very young age. I've been really caught up on a couple of people I dealt with a couple of years (I've lost contact to both of them now), and I've been ashamed and sad, because I feel like I treated them badly. I see myself being just as bad as the people who abused me, basically. I read a couple of articles about it today and tried to remember how I handled it with the psychologists I've met, and I have a better understanding of what's going on in ze head.

 

nHARDrb.gif

 

58 minutes ago, otterbyte said:

 

Ouch, that's rough. Our inner critics are usually bad enough without someone on the outside also feeding us those unhelpful and mostly untrue (often all untrue) messages. Is there any way to spend less time interacting with this person? Or to do it through email or some such (where the delete button is an option)? If nothing else, just remember that people like this are usually *extremely* negative with themselves, and like the Scylla, they attack everything around them because of their own pain. As if their making you believe you're incapable justifies their own perceived incapacity.

 

Sending hugs and warm thoughts and a gif of corgi puppies, because... actually, I don't think corgi puppies need a reason.

giphy.gif

 

True! This person is very close and dear to me, and I know they only care about my well-being - they're worried that I might try and accomplish too much, and then have a burnout. But if we talk about burning: if you give fire too much air, it just might spread too wide and burn everything to shiz. On the otter hand (haha see what I did there??), if you never give it air, it's just gonna die. My own little fire is now very much suffocating, and I need to take care of it better. I've been talking with my friends some more, and getting all the stuff out of my head has helped me to see the situation clearer.

 

Corgi puppies never need a reason <3 <3 <3

 

**

 

It's been a better day today :) I'm trying to practice self-kindness to ease the feelings of shame, and I've talked with my friends and Mom some more. I'm glad I finally told someone about this, because it just somehow exposed the shame and took away its power. It's not bothering me as much anymore, but I need to stay aware of it.

 

Work was good, and the boss told me today that I need to go see a doctor and get my health checked (just to see that I'm capable to work there. uh oh :DDD). They're probably gonna weigh me there, and I don't really know what to think about that. I'm gonna be open with the doctor and tell her about everything that's been happening during the past year, and that I'm managing my weight my own way. Then again, I don't even feel all that defensive. Whatever. Weigh me in!

 

Ron-Swanson-Says-Dont-Even-Care.gif?ssl=

 

This reminds me: I went through the shelves today, and found Brain Over Binge! In English! I was really surprised that the library had it, and I borrowed it :D I also borrowed some other books, and I'm gonna spend some time reading in bed now. The virus that bugs me every now and then is giving me weird symptoms, which explains the absolute shitty feelings I had on Sunday.

 

I feel somewhat messy now, so I'm gonna read now. The beasts have been taken out for a walk, and I'm gonna take care of them after I've read :) Have a lovely evening, y'all <3

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
54 minutes ago, Ensi said:

It's been a better day today :) I'm trying to practice self-kindness to ease the feelings of shame, and I've talked with my friends and Mom some more. I'm glad I finally told someone about this, because it just somehow exposed the shame and took away its power. It's not bothering me as much anymore, but I need to stay aware of it.

 

Shame is a difficult one to conquer because it feels the same whether it's valid or invalid.  I hope you're able to beat back the invalid shame and take ownership of any part that may actually need your attention.  Talking with others can definitely help here, too, as long as you trust their judgment.

 

You're doing well, Ensi.  I'm always impressed by your choices in dealing with tough feelings. :)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, DrFeelgood said:

 

Shame is a difficult one to conquer because it feels the same whether it's valid or invalid.  I hope you're able to beat back the invalid shame and take ownership of any part that may actually need your attention.  Talking with others can definitely help here, too, as long as you trust their judgment.

 

You're doing well, Ensi.  I'm always impressed by your choices in dealing with tough feelings. :)

 

You're right...! I also feel like I should make up for my shameful actions in order to let go of it, but there's absolutely nothing that I could do. That's it. I have no idea what I could do to make up for my behaviour. The people involved are gone, and I'm just here feeling shitty about it. Pointless, eh? :D All I can do is to forgive myself, put it behind me and move on. I'm practicing self-kindness to do that, and it's helping me. Like, am I gonna define myself by a few stupid decisions, and discard all the good that I do? A couple of colleagues told me at work today that they gave each other high fives when they heard that I was coming back, so I must be doing something right.

 

Haha thanks, it's getting easier with age and experience :) It's just hard to accept that the key to being better is to be kind to yourself, accept things as they are, and understand that kindness a better way to deal with things than being too strict and restrictive. It goes against the basic weight loss narrative I've been listening to all my life. Examples:
 

 

 


 

34a5b0d47de3305ee159012506229298--not-wo

I binge because I'm fucking hungry OK

 

6a0ab0008590dde8bc7aa49aff450f2a.jpg

 

1b0d20ab89abfd14e9bf76143fae5f8a.jpg

what are we talking about o__o

 

DM-6-Months-from-Now.png

are you telling me I can't have cookies for six months??

 

n1s7n_text_font_brand_advertising_label.

yeah this just made me so bored that I'm gonna go and eat a couple of cookies because ehh

 
 

 

 

**

 

I read a few pages, and did some yoga and light kettlebell exercises. Last week's results are in, and all the Beast are happy :) I'm currently having some more group chat therapy in FB, and I'm getting out things I've kept to myself for a long time. Therapy in process...!

 

ETA; I totally sent an email to the language tech team today. I'll probably hear back from them in a day or two :P 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's been a good day :) Busy, but good! I'm bloated and my stomach hurts, but my mental health department is going through some good renovations: Exposing the shame helped me understand that it's kept me from being my own authentic self. Without going too deep into it, I'm just gonna say that I've understood a lot about myself during these couple of days...! Shame is such a shitty feeling, but now that I recognized it, I've been able to handle it and find new ways to see the things I've been so ashamed about. I've spent some extra effort to practice self-kindness today, and think how I'd love to live and treat myself - and I understand that the idealized version I've had of myself is nowhere near as wonderful as the authentic me...! What I mean is that the idealized version is a lot more limited than the authentic me. The ideal version doesn't change and grow the way I actually do, and it's become a limit. My authentic self has grown to want other things than the idealized version of me is, anyway... I'm gonna put the idealized version aside and check my actual status. I felt really refreshed thinking  that I can go through some things in my life and see what works and what doesn't :)

 

funny-wholesome-animal-memes-14-58f08b39

 

Positive sides of the day: a colleague from mine I liked hanging out with in the summer returned back to work today, and she was really happy about being able to work together again (as was I!)! Another colleague also told me that she thinks I would be good for solving how to rearrange some magazines in our department, because I'm good at computer science and math. Hearing this made me happy :) They're also really encouraging about the computer science degree, because libraries will need people with IT skills in the future. I'm also gonna leave soon to get some groceries, and then go hang out with a friend who helped me to talk about my issues the other night.

 

Wholesome_f15766_6162292.jpg

 

As said, I feel bloated and my stomach hurts, but I'm positive that this challenge supports my recovery wonderfully :) I'm gonna take the Beasts out for a walk, I've read and studied with Savannah, and I'm gonna take Peregrin with me to visit my friend and get some emotional support. Have yourselves a lovely evening, friends <3 And again, thanks for being here and letting me vent haha. It really helped!

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
23 hours ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

I'm glad your mental health is improving today though I hope your stomach feels better.

 

Hope the rest of your day is just as awesome as you are :)

 

Thank you <3 My stomach has been better today, and the day was very good :)

 

Daily report:

 

  • It's been a good day: got stuff done at work, and I feel confident with my assignments.
  • I was able to serve a customer in French! He was really happy to get service in his own language :D And there was some Finnish lady, who told me that it was amazing to hear me switch to French after I had just helped her in Finnish. I couldn't help feeling awesome about myself. Just a bit.
  • I've struggled with ditching the dieting mentality, so today I made it easier for myself and decided not to even try lose weight for the next two weeks. Like, I'm not even gonna try, just for two weeks. After that, I can see if I would like to do something else - but I doubt I will. Ditching the mentality "forever" is still pretty hard for me, so I'm gonna break it down to smaller bits until I feel comfortable. I feel immediately a lot less worried around food.
  • I've practiced self-compassion, and talked with Mom about my issues. The shame has been a lot weaker, and I keep treating it with self-compassion and kindness. Choosing self-compassion and kindness is hard, because I somehow feel like I don't deserve it, but actually, I do. Everyone does.
  • I practiced some math with Savannah, took the Beasts out for a walk after work, and slept a bit longer in the morning to take care of Cannonball.

 

For the rest of the evening, I'm going to read a few pages of Intuitive Eating, solve a couple of math problems and one coding assignment, and then do yoga. Mom said on the phone that "soon you'll exams will be over, and you don't need to think about studying anymore! Isn't that lovely?" and I was like "yeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhh...." I'm gonna need to think of something else to keep Savannah busy. I hope to hear back from the language tech team at some point, and maybe I'll start working on becoming fluent at French and Russian. I will find something to do, otherwise I'll go nuts :DD Have a lovely day, y'all!

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
44 minutes ago, Ensi said:

I was able to serve a customer in French! He was really happy to get service in his own language :D And there was some Finnish lady, who told me that it was amazing to hear me switch to French after I had just helped her in Finnish. I couldn't help feeling awesome about myself. Just a bit.

 

Dude!  That IS awesome. :)  You should be proud.

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Ensi said:

 

Thank you <3 My stomach has been better today, and the day was very good :)

 

I'm so glad <3 :)

 

2 hours ago, Ensi said:

 

Choosing self-compassion and kindness is hard, because I somehow feel like I don't deserve it, but actually, I do. Everyone does.

This, this THIS. I need to remember this often

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now