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Ensi

Ensi: The Beasts Of The New Year

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... well, that didn't go exactly as planned! I felt really tired at work, and around noon I started to feel so weak and feverish that I... left. Work. And. Went. Home. And let me tell you, it doesn't happen to me very often these days...! :( I've been tired lately, and I have had a hard time to be present. I kinda rush from one situation to next, and run along with my thoughts as they pop up in my mind ("gotta go here", "ooh look at that", "what's with that idiot", " gotta go fast""don't poop until that one dickface is out of the bathroom", "oooh my god that dog is so cute"), and I haven't been able to stop. I've gone to work half an hour early, and left about 15 minutes late every day. I've ran between two departments and learned a lot of new things and met new people...! I'm a sensitive little person, OK? :D

 

tumblr_inline_n1vyhpUtbG1rmdo2k.gif

 

Time to take a couple of days of me-time. I have the weekend off, anyway, and I go back to work on Monday. Now's a good time to recenter.

 

So, I'm home now, resting. During my morning coffee break, I received a reminder from the university's stress management course to check in and do a couple of exercises. I decided to continue working with the course, and it already helped me realize that I've had difficulties with being present. I did a couple of exercises, and I already feel a lot more centered. Another thing is that I got myself that Finnish intuitive eating book, and I'm going to trust my body more from now on - again. My constant control doesn't work, anyway. I know from last spring that listening to my body and hunger signals is the key, and the less control I try to have, the better I'm off. Easier said than done, but I know that it can be done :) I'm going to follow the book's exercises. My only two goals for next challenge are to find ways to be present, and relearn intuitive eating. I'm going to start this weekend by journaling and being more mindful about having enough food.

 

Now I'm going to relax by watching funny videos :D I hope you're all having a lovely Friday!

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17 minutes ago, DrFeelgood said:

I'm going to try this again:

 

Oma apu paras apu.  ;)

 

I hope I didn't just insult your mother. :D

 

how dare you talk about my monkey like that

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56 minutes ago, Ensi said:

My only two goals for next challenge are to find ways to be present, and relearn intuitive eating.

Excellent goals! How are you planning to work on them? Journaling and mindfulness meditation?

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30 minutes ago, DrFeelgood said:

 

Foiled again!

 

 

 

:D Don't worry, it was perfect! I just needed to monkey around a bit. Haha haa I'm the funniest person that ever lived

 

13 minutes ago, zenLara said:

Excellent goals! How are you planning to work on them? Journaling and mindfulness meditation?

 

Thanks! Well, I'm going to find small moments in my daily life to practice mindfulness (taking small breaks while working: making breathing exercises, grounding myself, maybe drawing something small, practicing self-compassion), stay mindful about the thoughts I have and not react to them immediately, and such. As for intuitive eating, that takes time. There's no other way to practice than to do it every day, and let my body prove me that it deserves my trust (spoiler: it really does). This happened last spring: after stopping the control I was holding my breath for a few weeks, waiting to gain weight uncontrollably. Then I just one day realized that I had not gained weight...! And then I relaxed and started to trust myself :) The stress I went through last autumn threw me off and made me slip back to my restrictive behaviours, but I know that I can get back to listening to my body. It's a wonderful feeling, and I want to go back to that place!

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3 minutes ago, Ensi said:

Thanks! Well, I'm going to find small moments in my daily life to practice mindfulness (taking small breaks while working: making breathing exercises, grounding myself, maybe drawing something small, practicing self-compassion), stay mindful about the thoughts I have and not react to them immediately, and such. As for intuitive eating, that takes time. There's no other way to practice than to do it every day, and let my body prove me that it deserves my trust (spoiler: it really does). This happened last spring: after stopping the control I was holding my breath for a few weeks, waiting to gain weight uncontrollably. Then I just one day realized that I had not gained weight...! And then I relaxed and started to trust myself :) The stress I went through last autumn threw me off and made me slip back to my restrictive behaviours, but I know that I can get back to listening to my body. It's a wonderful feeling, and I want to go back to that place!

This is the truest thing that ever was. I actually did gain weight when I first started intuitive eating, but I gained less weight than I did when I was trying to control EVERYTHING. I'm still learning it, but I'm still in a better position than I was when I was trying to control my food so much. There are still bad days, there are still bad weeks. But overall things are better. 

 

I'm glad you're taking some time to focus and recenter! I did some of that during this time that I've been unemployed. I hope things get better and easier for you, friend <3

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17 minutes ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

This is the truest thing that ever was. I actually did gain weight when I first started intuitive eating, but I gained less weight than I did when I was trying to control EVERYTHING. I'm still learning it, but I'm still in a better position than I was when I was trying to control my food so much. There are still bad days, there are still bad weeks. But overall things are better. 

 

I'm glad you're taking some time to focus and recenter! I did some of that during this time that I've been unemployed. I hope things get better and easier for you, friend <3

 

I actually gained momentarily a bit, too! But at that point, I was so tired of dieting that I just figured that there was no going back. I had also heard that gaining some weight might be normal, so I just kept going, and then the weight started to come off. And about losing weight... There is this idealistic "you can't want weightloss and eat intuitively", but I think it's OK if I want to feel a bit slimmer. I don't have to let that wish to dictate my choices - I'm still going to put my body's signals first :) If I try to deny myself that wish, it just starts bothering me more and more. I'm just going to accept it, and not act on it. (Everything always seems to boil down to being able to withstand the fact that life isn't perfect, haha)

 

Thanks :) I'm glad to hear that you've had time to recenter yourself; I know how hard it is to be unemployed. But I also know that you have a lot of experience, and you will have other possibilities to be an awesome web developer! I might actually have a few questions I'd like to ask you :D I just need to think about them a bit more!

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Alright, looking back at last month, I can see many factors that made me strain myself. Mainly, I have agreed to do everything I've been asked to do, and I haven't been sure if I'm up to my tasks. There's also a big project going on: we're rearranging our department, and I'm in with it, of course. Nevertheless, I haven't been able to attend the meetings due to my work at the other department, and I'm really confused about what's going on - and I've been too timid to ask about it. Solution: I'm going to meet the team leader on Monday and tell her that I've had trouble with understanding my responsibilities and assignments. I also have a couple of suggestions on how to arrange things for the better (for example, delegating one job to our new intern, who sits around and seems bored :D ), but mostly I would just need some feedback and reassurance that I'm doing everything that's expected of me. My team leader is very supportive, and I'm sure she'll be happy to help me understand my role and assignments better :) 

 

I woke up around 2 AM feeling anxious, so I did some journaling to get these ideas out of my head. But another thing happened last night: I created a comic book character, and drew a short comic to handle my feelings! It's a feisty little pony that swears and kicks around. Very silly, but drawing it made me laugh, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I haven't drawn a comic in years, and this just happened spontaneously. I'm gonna let myself draw some more, no matter how silly it seems, and maybe let someone read it at some point. But, for now, it's just for myself :P

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4 hours ago, Ensi said:

Solution: I'm going to meet the team leader on Monday and tell her that I've had trouble with understanding my responsibilities and assignments. I also have a couple of suggestions on how to arrange things for the better (for example, delegating one job to our new intern, who sits around and seems bored :D ), but mostly I would just need some feedback and reassurance that I'm doing everything that's expected of me. My team leader is very supportive, and I'm sure she'll be happy to help me understand my role and assignments better :) 

Resultado de imagen de loki smart gif

Smart.

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19 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

Smart.

 

I hope so! After thinking it a bit further, I just want to make sure that everything's going as it should. I want to do a good job, you know?

 

tumblr_m5o68fVHMr1qa7hzxo1_250.gif

 

I told Mom about all the emails that stress me out, and she couldn't relate. She used to work for a newspaper, and she said that she used to get annoyed if there were too many emails - and that she just deleted the emails that annoyed her. :DDDD During the past few years, I've realized just how much I am like Dad, and this is just another proof...

 

**

 

Hey, I'm getting back to the intuitive eating groove! Yesterday, I had a big breakfast, and then decided not to eat until I got hungry again (that's how you do it, haha). I actually did a yoga/strength training workout (50 minutes), and then had a small meal. The day went by OK, and there was a huge success in the evening: I was feeling a bit weak after my evening snack, so I decided to eat a bit more. After having some more food, I could feel my body relax - it felt happy! I think I ate too little during the day, but I didn't actually feel all that hungry. Nevertheless, I feel like I found the right frequency to listen to again :) Last spring, I still had anxieties about eating certain foods, so this time is a bit different - I know that I can eat pretty much whatever I want, but I can also make mindful decisions. Finishing the thesis, struggling with trying to find a job and finally starting a job threw me off in the autumn, but I feel like now's a good time to take care of myself better.

 

I have no particular plans for today...! I'm gonna practice coding user interfaces for our group project, but other than that, I'm just gonna chill. I already cleaned up the apartment a bit, and it seems like it's going to be a beautiful day - I'm gonna take a walk at some point :) Have a lovely Sunday!

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3 hours ago, Ensi said:

she used to get annoyed if there were too many emails - and that she just deleted the emails that annoyed her

XD  I should start using that technique...

 

3 hours ago, Ensi said:

Finishing the thesis, struggling with trying to find a job and finally starting a job threw me off in the autumn, but I feel like now's a good time to take care of myself better.

It looks like this is a much calmer period for you, and changing behaviour towards food requires lots of energy and focus. You seem to be quite "not in control" of your food right now :) 

 

3 hours ago, Ensi said:

tumblr_m5o68fVHMr1qa7hzxo1_250.gif

Something about our gifs feels wrong...

Resultado de imagen de sad loki gif

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4 hours ago, zenLara said:

XD  I should start using that technique...

 

 

Urgh. I kinda wish I had some of this attitude, too, but I just CAN'T :D

 

4 hours ago, zenLara said:

It looks like this is a much calmer period for you, and changing behaviour towards food requires lots of energy and focus. You seem to be quite "not in control" of your food right now :) 

 

True, and true! Intuitive eating suits me wonderfully, but it takes time to unlearn the dieting mentality that I've tried to perfect ever since I was 12 or something. But last night, when my body relaxed after I ate more than my mind thought I should, I knew that I'm doing the right thing again. Practicing intuitive eating, for me, is like a co-op of my body and my mind: it works best, when I listen to my body's signals, but I can also make smart choices with my mind. When I follow outer rules or strict diets, I kinda tell my body to shut up and do as it's told. Not cool.

 

4 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

Something about our gifs feels wrong...

 

I have low-key anxiety when I try to find Wolverine gifs. Can we go back to where we were??

 

tumblr_mkkh2q1zMG1rv1d8ho2_500.gif

 

**

 

Another day going smooth so far! It's been a cold, but really beautiful day with a lot of sunshine. I went for a walk with a friend, and then we just hung around at her place. We baked a banana cake and had it with cinnamon coffee :) It was lovely to spend the afternoon with a friend, instead of staying home alone all day...! I borrowed the movie What We Do in the Shadows from the library, and I'm gonna watch it in the evening.

 

Ayyy I'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow!! Time to get rid of those split ends :D Black Widow copying my hair style is still the most ridiculous thing that happened last year, so I'm gonna perfect the look :P

 

RevolvingBothJackal-max-1mb.gif

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3 hours ago, Ensi said:

When I follow outer rules or strict diets, I kinda tell my body to shut up and do as it's told. Not cool.

Telling a body to shut up is never good. It always finds a worse way to express itself...

I've never tried intuitive eating, but it seems like a neat way to get off all that diet madness.

 

3 hours ago, Ensi said:

Can we go back to where we were??

 

tumblr_mkkh2q1zMG1rv1d8ho2_500.gif

Sure, darling

Resultado de imagen de wolverine friends gif

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23 hours ago, zenLara said:

Telling a body to shut up is never good. It always finds a worse way to express itself...

I've never tried intuitive eating, but it seems like a neat way to get off all that diet madness.

 

You're right about body finding a worse way...! I definitely started with intuitive eating, but I also like the term "normal eating". That's my goal, basically :D I don't need a fitness diet or something: I just want to eat normally and be healthy. Exiting the diet madness has been one of the best things in my life <3

 

23 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

Resultado de imagen de wolverine friends gif

 

tumblr_inline_oi2y3bhszw1tvf3os_500.gif

 

**

 

It was a lovely day at work! Chaos felt a lot more manageable (spoiler: I just didn't give as many fucks as I usually do), and I suggested that the intern could help me out with one task that I should be doing. My co-workers were very happy that I was so mindful of the intern and that I found a way to make his internship more valuable, and I just stood there and congratulated myself for being a lazy mf :D After work, I had dinner, and then I had my hair cut! It felt ridiculously good to look at the hairdresser cut off approximately 4 cm x__x I hadn't even realized my hair had grown so long. I feel considerably better now :) When I got home, I worked out: 10 min warm-up, 3 x 6 min kettlebell circuit, and 5 - 5 - 4 push-ups. And some deadlifts with the kettlebell. The whole workout took me 45 minutes in total, which is just perfect. I should probably start tracking my workouts again, it's so much fun... I had a break during the flu season, but now could be a good time to get back to it!

 

Food has been good, and I haven't actually been all that hungry. Dinner was a cabbage roll with goat cheese, some bread and a cappuccino, and that fueled my hairdresser visit and the workout. Nothing much to report there, really. I didn't feel hungry after the workout, but I had evening snack pretty soon afterwards because it was already past 7 PM anyway and uhh food's good, especially after working out. I feel pretty good now!

 

I'm gonna continue the evening with Manhunt: Unabomber on Netflix, and go to bed in time. What We Do in the Shadows was precious, and... just watch:

 

 

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17 minutes ago, Ensi said:

It was a lovely day at work! Chaos felt a lot more manageable (spoiler: I just didn't give as many fucks as I usually do), and I suggested that the intern could help me out with one task that I should be doing. My co-workers were very happy that I was so mindful of the intern and that I found a way to make his internship more valuable, and I just stood there and congratulated myself for being a lazy mf :D

 

That's not lazy, that's workforce development. ;)

 

Unless you abandoned the intern with no oversight, then it's a little bit lazy. :lol:

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27 minutes ago, DrFeelgood said:

 

That's not lazy, that's workforce development. ;)

 

Unless you abandoned the intern with no oversight, then it's a little bit lazy. :lol:

 

LOL! I'm gonna give him instructions on Wednesday. He's native Swedish speaker, and he found out that I speak Swedish, so now he speaks Swedish to me...! So, I will instruct him in Swedish. And now the Russian co-workers know that I speak Russian, and now they speak Russian to me.

 

tumblr_inline_nyk5j8I5bF1sm1i1x_500.gif

 

Vinnie started chatting with me on FB and now we're just chatting

 

tumblr_inline_nyk5j8I5bF1sm1i1x_500.gif

 

nnngggghhhhhh

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Another smooth day :) I went to work a bit later than usually and left a bit earlier to get rid of my extra hours, and I had a chat with the team leader about my work performance. She was understanding, and convinced me that I'm doing great work. So, everything's going well! I've been hungrier today, and I think it's because of yesterday's workout. I should also wrap this challenge up and create a new one! Maybe later today :D

 

I don't know what to think about Vinnie. I like him a lot and it would be nice to get to know him a bit better, but I've been at this same situation so many times before that I really don't want to even try. I'm just gonna keep hustling on with my things and expect absolutely nothing. Maybe that's a lesson I should take from my previous crushes? Because that seems to be a theme. Vinnie is really lovely (and kind to the customers) and we have a ton of fun together, but I don't trust myself to know, if someone is trustworthy or good to me :/  And I don't want to talk about him to my friends or Mom, because I just like to have something like this to myself and not having to explain anyone how I feel. So I just ramble here kinda anonymously : P But this isn't really a problem - I don't feel crushingly lonely or desperate, just a little... I don't know. BLERGH.

 

Anyway, time to have an evening snack soon, and I'm gonna go through our group project. I have a couple of episodes of Unabomber left, so I'm gonna watch another episode tonight...! It's been a rest day from exercise, and I'm gonna have another rest day tomorrow. I'll probably go meet some friends at the comic book store to draw with them :) Have a lovely evening, everyone!

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17 hours ago, Ensi said:

I'll probably go meet some friends at the comic book store to draw with them

This sounds lovely. I hope you had a nice time :)

 

On 5/2/2018 at 7:49 PM, Ensi said:

tumblr_inline_oi2y3bhszw1tvf3os_500.gif

Resultado de imagen de wolverine smile gif

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6 hours ago, zenLara said:

This sounds lovely. I hope you had a nice time :)

 

Actually, my friend cancelled, and I was like "meh" and stayed home doing yoga and other nice things :D I'm fine with this, because I managed to recharge my introvert batteries really well!

 

6 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

Resultado de imagen de wolverine smile gif

 

tenor.gif

 

**

 

Another smooth day sailing smoothly! I really don't feel like doing a challenge recap, because work and my emotional life got too hectic for me to track OK?? There was nothing wrong with the tracking system, but I'm just really lazy to go back to that first post and change it. I could mark my progress on paper IRL and then just dump the weekly stats to the first post. Nevertheless, my goals were to study, relax, and take care of my body by sleeping a lot and doing yoga. I think I did OK!

 

tumblr_nnwir40PXs1rcwa0zo2_250.gif

 

I passed my exam, I've taken space to do things I like, and I've got a lot of sleep. I've also done yoga, and slowly built my way towards doing strength training exercises. It's been a hectic challenge, but I'm happy with where I am :) It's been especially good to get back to the intuitive eating groove - I already feel more calm and less bloated, and I'm starting to see a change in the mirror. I have also felt comfortable [insert a struggle to express in English that my belt isn't so tight and I have been able to use the notch that is one tighter than lately - "a notch tighter?" im cryeing]. I've also eaten more during mealtimes, which has led to lesser snacking. We've got this, y'all <3

 

What I want to do in the next challenge:

 

  • mindfulness
  • intuitive eating
  • push-ups

 

And I guess that is all I want for now. New challenge will be up soon-ish :D

 

I got a lot of stuff done at work. I work in my old department this week, and I have less customer service. I'm really grateful that I have more time to get all my work done :) I was in my old department today, and after lunch, Vinnie started chatting with me on Messenger. I boosted my work efficiency by taking small breaks and answering him.

 

200.gif

 

Fun times!

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15 hours ago, Ensi said:

[insert a struggle to express in English that my belt isn't so tight and I have been able to use the notch that is one tighter than lately - "a notch tighter?" im cryeing]

This is good! Weight loss (or weight gain) is sometimes difficult to perceive, but when you have material proof like this it feels like a victory. I remember when I started to notice my clothes were tighter and the day I could finally go one size up -those were the days!

So, it's nice to see your efforts are paying off.

 

Congrats on the results of the challenge!

 

15 hours ago, Ensi said:

tenor.gif

200w.gif

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9 hours ago, zenLara said:

This is good! Weight loss (or weight gain) is sometimes difficult to perceive, but when you have material proof like this it feels like a victory. I remember when I started to notice my clothes were tighter and the day I could finally go one size up -those were the days!

So, it's nice to see your efforts are paying off.

 

Congrats on the results of the challenge!

 

Yes! Material proof for the win :D And thanks! As said, I need to still adjust the tracking system a bit...

 

**

 

It's been a very lovely day :) I had evening shift, so I woke up at my own pace. I worked out: 50 minutes of strength training exercises, focus on upper body and core (my legs feel the DOMS!). I did a 10-minute warm-up, followed by push-ups, kettlebell rows, deadlifts and such. I really enjoy just going from one exercise to the next - I still have the core exercises that I'm gonna track (push-ups, squats), but other than that, I will do pretty much whatever challenges me and feels fun!

 

Work was nice, and now I'm having a small evening snack. I'm not very hungry, but I eat now, because I've had trouble with waking up in the middle of the night feeling hungry. Working out in the morning is probably gonna make me even hungrier :D So, I'm eating "extra"! I have some sweet potato fries in the oven, and I'm gonna go to bed soon.

 

Haha some more DRAMA because I guess this is my next brain bug to handle:

 

So, IE is going well, work is great, and the only thing that worries me right now is Vinnie. I really, really like him, and we chatted some more today. What my issue is, is that I don't really have any experience about a safe, emotionally balanced relationship, and I think that I have a tendency to feel attracted to / attract people that are bad for me. And now I'm constantly trying to see how bad this situation could get (he's older than me, and now I'm thinking that maybe he thinks I'm a stupid and easy little girl that can be manipulated - and I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's happened to me so just have some patience with me OK). Then again, I've worked a lot on my own insecurities, and I try to remain aware of what's actually happening instead of what I think is happening. I also notice that these past few years have changed me, and I feel like I'm more in control of my own life, which helps me feel more safe. I have also decided to give myself time to get to know Vinnie without thinking too much about any end goals. So far, I have a really good feeling about him, but I'm gonna let time show me what he's like when he can't get his morning coffee at work right away, or something :P The best approach for me is to look at this as another learning opportunity, I guess.

 

To end on a light note: the sweet potato fries are fricking awesome. Good night, friends!

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A+ morning! I woke up before 7 AM, had breakfast, and then spent some time drawing and working on our group project. Later on, I made a cabbage casserole! I've wanted to prepare one properly for a long time: I sauteed the cabbage and shredded carrots first in a separate pan, and then sauteed an onion and some bacon on another pan. Then I combined the onion and bacon in the same pan with the cabbage, seasoned it with salt, transferred everything into an oven pan, and poured some oat-based cooking cream on top. I let it stay in the oven for 90 minutes, and let me tell you, it's delicious 8D While it was baking in the oven, I worked out: 50+ minutes of strength training exercises and foam rolling. I did 30 minutes of foam rolling last night for my legs, and today I warmed up and cooled down by doing rolling exercises. I have tight spots in my calves and outer thighs, and I hope that they'll feel a bit better with some rolling. All in all, I really like doing foam rolling exercises...! I wasn't even sure that I would use the roll that much, but it's become a wonderful piece of equipment for recovery and low-impact exercise :)

 

Eating's been OK, even though I notice that I'm having mid-cycle cravings. Luckily enough, I'm craving for starchy veggies: I would have given my soul for some oven baked sweet potato with goat cheese yesterday o__o I had to pick up some veggies on my way home from work... And oh, when I left work, there were two men fighting outside the library...! When they didn't seem to stop, I ran to them and shouted: "I'm going to go inside and get a guard!!" That broke them up enough so that the other man managed to go inside the library (I don't know if they knew each other, but the other one was very eager to get away while the other one just wanted to keep fighting). I followed the man inside, and asked the other employees to call the guard. Some other customers had already done that, so I just waited for the guard to arrive, and then went outside to help him find the other man. He had gone already, though. Not the most pleasant situation, but I'm glad to see that I don't just walk by and do nothing ٩(⁎❛ᴗ❛⁎)۶ 

 

Today's plan:

 

  • start a new challenge
  • work on group project
  • take a nap
  • bake semlas with friends!

 

I have work tomorrow, but today's all for me and having fun. Enjoy your Saturday, friends!

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45 minutes ago, Ensi said:

And oh, when I left work, there were two men fighting outside the library...! When they didn't seem to stop, I ran to them and shouted: "I'm going to go inside and get a guard!!" That broke them up enough so that the other man managed to go inside the library (I don't know if they knew each other, but the other one was very eager to get away while the other one just wanted to keep fighting). I followed the man inside, and asked the other employees to call the guard. Some other customers had already done that, so I just waited for the guard to arrive, and then went outside to help him find the other man. He had gone already, though. Not the most pleasant situation, but I'm glad to see that I don't just walk by and do nothing ٩(⁎❛ᴗ❛⁎)۶ 

Wow, you were brave! It was very smart to tell them you were calling a guard, and more, you kept your cold blood to think of that in the middle of a mess.

 

Yay for A+ morning!

 

 

 

 

 

(what do you mean enjoy your saturday? saturday? you mean the whole week is over? how did this happen? *cries in despair*)

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