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annyshay

Annyshay's Intentions Wrought with Ws

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On 1/13/2018 at 4:49 PM, annyshay said:

Walk - walked to and from various health care buildings... in the -10 deg F morning weather and the balmy 4 deg F afternoon weather

:D Balmy 4F. You are so bad-ass :loyal:

13 hours ago, annyshay said:

My night - BBQ pork ribs, baked sweet potato, kitteh snuggles, and Stranger Things 2

Nom Nom...

 

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1/14/2018

Walk - to and from church as well as the doughnut shop ;)

Write - 22 day streak, approaching 3K words at the moment, took down some big monsters in the game too

Weave - stayed after church talking with one of the older men about his memories from blizzards on his father's farm

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1/15/2018

Walk - nope. Decided to take a day off from this goal and hibernate.

Write - 23 day streak, approaching 4K words today as I type this

Weave - tried to be sympathetic to my co-workers difficulties without getting pulled into their emotions and trying to fix things for them

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10 hours ago, annyshay said:

Weave - stayed after church talking with one of the older men about his memories from blizzards on his father's farm

Very cool!

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15 hours ago, annyshay said:

1/15/2018

Walk - nope. Decided to take a day off from this goal and hibernate.

Write - 23 day streak, approaching 4K words today as I type this

Weave - tried to be sympathetic to my co-workers difficulties without getting pulled into their emotions and trying to fix things for them

Taking a day off from walking to hibernate is also needed.

So awesome of you to listen; that alone already helps a lot of the time for most people. Good boundaries ;)

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1/16/2018

Walk - yup, to and from conference

Write - 24 day streak, journaling out some work angst (small stuff but it's really getting under my skin)*

Weave - spent some extra time at fellow support group, heh, just kidding it's not regularly scheduled but we do tend to vent after Tuesday mornings when we have journal club

 

*Spoilered for your benefit...

Spoiler

Basically, people keep screwing up my clinic schedules so I never know who I'm working with. Different bosses have very different expectations. It's giving me whiplash... not to mention how obnoxious the uncertainty and inability to fully prepare for clinic are to me. I have good self care habits, so I have journaled, meditated, listened to appropriate playlists, texted supportive friends, and spent extra time cuddling my Dragon. I am just sick of even the smallest things becoming so complicated. Plus journal club on Thursday is shaping up to be an interdepartment political death match. Blargh.

 

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30 minutes ago, CallunaTook said:

How do you make those hide comments boxes?

 

There's an eye shape all the way to the right on the bar above the text box on my computer. The hover text calls it a "spoiler". Not sure if it's available on mobile or tapatalk though.

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1/17/2018

Walk - yup, back and forth to clinic

Write - 25 day streak, finished a first draft of my shortened revision of a manuscript that I hope to get published, journaling also happened a few times

Weave - got to connect with some lovely families at clinic this afternoon, I really do love my job other than all the interpersonal drama and toxic environment

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6 hours ago, elizevdmerwe said:

This facial expression really gets your annoyance with the situation over.

I still think cat was my actual native language. English came second. :P

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On 1/17/2018 at 2:45 AM, annyshay said:

 

*Spoilered for your benefit...

  Hide contents

Basically, people keep screwing up my clinic schedules so I never know who I'm working with. Different bosses have very different expectations. It's giving me whiplash... not to mention how obnoxious the uncertainty and inability to fully prepare for clinic are to me. I have good self care habits, so I have journaled, meditated, listened to appropriate playlists, texted supportive friends, and spent extra time cuddling my Dragon. I am just sick of even the smallest things becoming so complicated. Plus journal club on Thursday is shaping up to be an interdepartment political death match. Blargh.

 

 

Spoiler

Self care is not a cure for shitty treatment and/or workplace. Sure it might help keep your sanity but it won't solve any problems...

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2 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

 

  Hide contents

Self care is not a cure for shitty treatment and/or workplace. Sure it might help keep your sanity but it won't solve any problems...

Spoiler

Yes. This became even more clear yesterday. I'm trying to keep my sanity in hopes that the administration actually does something. That hope is becoming less during each interaction I have with them. Blargh.

 

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1/18/2018

Walk - it was so much warmer yesterday, I took quite a few walks outdoors with no coat, it was divine

Write - 26 days, wrote out some work angst

Weave - work things... I will write more about them in a bit, still processing

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HOW do you do it all????!

 

I'm battling keeping my challenge goals going and don't even get to any updates, and you don't just rock your challenge as per usual, you update every day, you reflect, you write lots on 4TW (I can see that now :D ) keep up with insane work schedules AND all that against this freak show?! HOW?

 

Spoiler

Also why? Did they look for a hobbit who would be crazy enough to go a place full of emotional heat and psychological storms, eating away at any lovelyness and starving out the kindness? Did they tell you, hey you might be on your own on this as you will have some fellows, but you might not always know of them and they might get seperated from you over far distances at times? Did you go anyway?? 
Well, if you did, I bet your reasons are really big and powerful :o and seeing how sneaky clever hobbits are and how persistent and brave they can be - maybe it's time to take a step further and work out how to get administration up and running? I really really hope you can, because surely not even the toughest hobbit can take this forever?

 

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Spoiler

So if you remember my spoilered post from 1/6... I have heard literally nothing from anybody in administration or in our division since that time. Does anybody feel like this is what "we'll keep you posted" means? Yesterday morning many things at work came to a head with no concrete progress. I don't need to tell all you guys all the details. Every time I sit down to summarize my feelings, this tirade comes pouring out of me. Writing it is therapeutic, but sharing it is not necessary. Basically I was stuck in small group meetings from 8am to 12:30pm talking about this situation. The conversations were heated and not productive. I had a full blown panic attack at one point as well as simmering rage and despair throughout the conversations. I chose to stay instead of doing the large amounts of work on my research that needed to occur because these were the first conversations with a young woman that may be taking over part of my abusive boss's role. She clearly had no idea the depth of pathology she was walking into. I hope we gave her a clear idea of how deep and pervasive the problems in our division are as well as how little action has been taken by the administration. If nothing else, I have made it clear that telling me that she trusts the administration without any concrete backing will not gain my trust or cooperation. I went to my research meeting after a fast lunch. My mentor was understanding and respected my decision not to talk about the things I was upset about further. Bless him.

 

I don't know if you guys have had the experience of running on pure adrenaline while having to do a very important task. Doctors all know the feeling that you get after running a code (doctor speak for managing a patient whose heart is not pumping their blood, aka actively dying). Often this post-adrenaline hangover lasts for several hours and slowly dissipates. I am still feeling it this morning. I dread going in to work today, although I predict it will be somewhat therapeutic to see patients this afternoon. For now, I'm struggling. 

 

19 minutes ago, lucky fire dragon said:

crazy enough to go a place full of emotional heat and psychological storms

So... I've been feeling like a lightning rod for a while now. I'm trying to shift that to think of being like Thor in Ragnarok, but...

 

20 minutes ago, lucky fire dragon said:

surely not even the toughest hobbit can take this forever?

I am so scared you guys. If I leave, I lose everything I dreamed. If I can last 1.5 years more... I might get through. I keep telling myself it will get better if... but I don't know any more.

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5 minutes ago, lucky fire dragon said:

ok 1.5 years must be doable somehow. Seeing patient will definitely help, yes! Weekend is coming, do you have some time to unwind, breathe and reflect then? To gather some ideas about how to tackle the coming week?

So, I actually called out to work as I am hovering on the edge of ongoing panic attacks. I have few responsibilities this weekend. I feel like all I do is breathe and reflect lately. But yes, I am regrouping and calling in my support crew.

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1/19/2018

 

Walk - Nope

Write - 27 day streak

- I did out the math and in the 55 days I've been using 4TW, I've been averaging over 2000 words per day

- decided I get to buy myself a book once I hit a 30 day streak :D

Weave - reached out immediately when I was having high levels of anxiety this morning

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On 19/01/2018 at 3:47 PM, annyshay said:

I am so scared you guys. If I leave, I lose everything I dreamed. If I can last 1.5 years more... I might get through. I keep telling myself it will get better if... but I don't know any more.

I’m pretty sure your dreams didn’t include panic attacks and getting treated like crap. This is more than a dream at stake, this is your life and your health.

 

I don’t want to steer you in any direction, but I do want to point out that there will always be more opportunities. They might look different from now, and sure it’d be scary, but you have so many skills and so much to offer you won’t struggle to find something that inspires you. 

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