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Teros

Teros XXXX: Terrible Things

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Hi, I'm Teros and this is my 40th, yes FORTIETH challenge in a row.  I've had a lot of shitty ones, some epic ones, but I haven't missed one since I got here a couple of years ago.

 

After the first couple of challenges, I realized there was a lack of 'gamifying' the challenges and I started equating each challenge with a level.  Complete challenge #4?  Then you turn level 4.  I remember there was an article that talked about 'what is your level 50 version of yourself?' and with this being my 40th; it made me realize that I want to be the person I was meant to be by level 50.  That means I have 10 challenges and considering the length of challenges; that means about a year before I hit level 50.  Am I on the right track to doing that?

 

I had a bunch of crap challenges until I was at a breaking point a couple challenges ago.  I gave myself an ultimatum: either I pull my head out of my ass or I quit NF forever.  I felt I didn't deserve to call myself 'Teros'.  What happened?  I had probably my second best challenge in the years I've been here. 

 

I thought that the reason this worked was because I was put between a rock and a hard place.  I needed to feel like if I fucked up, I was truly gone. It got me frustrated and angry enough for change.  Last challenge I figured I should extend this idea.  However, it didn't work.  Lightning didn't strike twice and I had a *good* challenge, not a *great* challenge.

 

How my brain works:

 

-Feel ok

-Feel bad

-Do unhealthy coping mechanisms (like junk food) to stop feeling bad

-Feel worse

-Use *more* unhealthy coping mechanisms

-Feel anxious and depressed

-Get shitty sleep

-Have no energy

-Use *more* unhealthy coping to get energy

-Feel self-depreciating

-Feel helpless

-Use *more* unhealthy coping

-Feel suicidal

-Depression and anxiety turns into frustration

-Stew with frustration

-Frustration turns to rage

-Rage turns into self-inflicted rage ("I hate myself. Stop being a piece of shit!")

-Rage cascades outwards

-Use Rage-fuel to do workouts

-Swear constantly at self when I think about using unhealthy coping

-Get out of depression because Rage lasts long enough to let me detox from junk food

-Rage fizzles because I have no reason to self-hate, as I've broken the cycle

-Become badass

-Badass = confident

-Confident = cocky

-Cocky thinks I can get away with using *one* unhealthy coping mechanism *once* because I've been doing so well

-Fuck up royally

-Spiral downwards

-Feel ok

 *Repeat*

 

You see this constant ebb and flow.  I'll crash and crest and crash and crest.  My weightloss does the same.  I'm usually 'cresting' more than I'm 'crashing', which means I overall lose weight.  My weightloss follows the above format:

-Gain 5 pounds

-Gain 10 pounds

-Gain 15 pounds (right around here is the -'Feel suicidal' part)

-Stay 15 pounds overweight

-Lose 5 pounds

-Lose 10 pounds

-Lose 15 pounds

-Lose 20 pounds (-Badass part)

-Lose 25 pounds

-Gain 5 pounds

 

*Repeat*

 

I have a net loss of 10 pounds for each 'cycle' that I go through, roughly.  That has led to me losing over 100 pounds. I was able to get through a half-cycle over the holidays, with constant junk food swaying and breaking down the Rage.  I'm currently at the '-Stew with frustration' step.  My thought is simple:  I need to somehow stay in the Rage Zone.

 

 

 I got a lot of things done in my previous challenge so this is going to be a rework of what's leftover for that, as well as some new stuff.  I'm making a huge commitment right now.  My challenge:

 

1) Whole Year - I'm angry just thinking about this, but there is no more perfect time to do this than right now, a mere few hours before it turns into 2018.  I'm about to attempt a Whole 30 for a solid year.  2018-2019.  I have done the math and I will be at my goal weight before the year is over, which means I will be at my Level 50 right when I want to be.  Last challenge, I tried to juggle too many things; and while I got most of them done, THIS goal is the one that suffered.  Also....THIS goal is the one that matters more than all of the other ones.  Because of that, I'm taking super-mega-ultra effort on this being the one goal that I finish.  All of the other goals are [OPTIONAL].  I'm looking at this challenge like a test.  This goal is the test.  The others are extra credit.  All the extra credit combined will not somehow make me pass this test.

 

2) Media Burn - I'm not going to any Porn websites.  I'm not going on Facebook.  I'm not watching shows on Youtube, but I will post music/clips.

 

3) Creation - I'm going to do artwork two times per week.  It can be Bellmyst, painting, or whatever.

 

4) School - I need to do schoolwork.  This all varies based on what is going on.  I have a book on Housing First that I need to read, as well as a huge project to do for a class once it starts back up.

 

5) Workouts - I'm going to work out three times per week.  Options: Walk / MMA / Sledgehammer.

 

I'm going to start off every post with a bullet point on the progress of each. The fact that I stopped doing that last challenge is what lead me to slack off and be absent-minded.  No more of that shit. 

 

I spoke before that I was trying to adjust my schedule to open up time blocks:

 

Sunday -         Morning (Free)            Evening (Internship)

Monday -        Morning (Work)          Evening (School/Internship)

Tuesday -       Morning (Work)           Evening (Internship)

Wednesday - Morning (Work)            Evening (Free)

Thursday -     Morning (Free)             Evening (School)

Friday -           Morning (Internship)   Evening (Free)

Saturday -      Morning (Free)             Evening (Free)

 

I'm banking the following 'Free' and turning them into 'Stuff' slots for myself to do artwork, posting on nf, cleaning, errands, homework, etc:

 

Sunday Morning

Thursday Morning

Saturday Morning

Saturday Night

 

That leaves Wednesday / Friday nights free.  I also know that I won't do anything productive on Mondays and Tuesdays after school/internship; which means those are *partial free*.  I won't want to start painting at like, 7pm when I normally go to bed at 9 or 10pm.  That means those partial slots are free.

 

I spoke last challenge about how much time was spent just 'hanging around' with women and how it's a waste of my time.  I'm telling both of them tomorrow that I've "done a lot of thinking and I need more order in my life" and I'm letting them choose what 2 days work for them.  Their options to see me are:

 

Monday Late

Tuesday Late

Wednesday Evening

Friday Evening

 

I also am letting them know about my Whole Year, so it would be appreciated if we had a date night where they cooked.  I've given enough to both of them over these past few months and it's time I ask for something in return: Whole30 dinner once a week.  This means:

 

Sunday -         Morning (Stuff)            Evening (Internship)

Monday -        Morning (Work)           Evening (School/Internship) Late (Little/JJ)

Tuesday -       Morning (Work)            Evening (Internship)               Late (Little/JJ)

Wednesday - Morning (Work)            Evening (Little/JJ)

Thursday -     Morning (Stuff)             Evening (School)

Friday -           Morning (Internship)   Evening (Little/JJ)

Saturday -      Morning (Stuff)             Evening (Stuff)

 

This should suit me until April/May, when my agency hires me and I will reshuffle these again so I'll be making about double what I currently make (between the extra hours and the pay increase).

 

So that's it.  My challenge, how I'm organizing my life, and my motivation for how I'm going to get this done.

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10 hours ago, Teros said:

How my brain works

 

This sounds very familiar, with a few differences. What I like about you is your awareness of your struggles and your desire to do something about them and really grow as a person.

 

Let me know if I can help in any way. 

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On 12/31/2017 at 12:36 PM, Teros said:

Hi, I'm Teros and this is my 40th, yes FORTIETH challenge in a row. 

 

I admire your commitment. I don't know if I have ever done 40 of anything in a row. Great to see you back for another challenge. Looks like you have some great goals and a solid plan in place.

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I'm glad to see you have been sticking with it. I would be in that area if I hadn't left. I am back again, and really hope to be around for the next bunch of challenges. :) Even when I wasn't posting, I would come by to check in on people when I could. Let kill this challenge!

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Following for the pure inspiration and attitude that emanates from your challenges.   I am glad to see your list, I started whole 30 on Jan 1.  Looking forward to seeing what you do cause I will steal ideas from you.

 

I hope this still fits your persona Teros:

 

paladin.jpg

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Sorry I haven't posted anything.  I'm currently at the library because my computer needed to get wiped out and my friend has had it for a solid week.  I should be getting it back tomorrow so I plan on having a *real* post within the next day or so.  The challenge has been going pretty well, aside from getting violently sick and not having a laptop.  I'm here trying to write a letter to the residents at the agency I work with.  Actually, since my email isn't working (no fucking clue why....) I mine as well post the draft here:

 

 

Hello everyone, I'm Mike, one of the interns.  With it being the New Year, I wanted to write a message for everyone.  I've heard from a few people in private conversations that they feel this residency is like an 'asylum', 'institution', or 'prison' and I wanted to address this, as well as explain what I wanted to do here.

 

I started the Sunday night dinners with my own money because it's something that I believe in. My intention was to pay for the first couple of weeks out of pocket to see if the household would like to get together for a meal.  After a few weeks, I wanted to talk to local churches and donation centers to try and get more food.  From there, I wanted to set up a mini-pantry in the side-office.  Also, anything that people wanted to contribute would be added to the pantry.  I started off with some 'basic' meals like spaghetti and meatballs, tacos, chicken pot pie, etc, to drum up interest but with more eventual involvement, I wanted everyone to have a say and cook together.  Everyone here deserves a say.  This is YOUR household and this place has the potential to be something amazing, rather than feeling like it's some sort of lock & key establishment.  I believe in everyone here.  If I didn't, I would have just done the same thing that a lot of people at their school internship placements do and kept my mouth shut and did my hours in silence.  I felt that everyone here deserved better than that.

 

I also wanted to start an art class.  No one needs to be an artist: it's more for just messing around.  My 'drawing' amounts to barely better than stick figures.  I was figuring we could work with some paints, clay, paper mache, etc.  Again, like the Sunday dinners, this is something that I want to work with all of you to see what all of YOU are interested in.  There is also some locals that want to get involved as well with the household and be true neighbors.  I know that there might be some negative feelings for some in the neighborhood, but some of the neighbors do, in fact, want to welcome everyone here and work with us.  One such woman is Kristen; the woman that was here for Christmas that donated a lot of the ornaments and that extra tree.  She has the month of January off and wanted to see about bringing some board games or cards and having a game night.  It's something that I already wanted to do (but lacked the games) so if that is of interest then by all means, let me know and I can contact her.  Another neighbor is Elaine, who used to decorate cakes.  She wanted to see if we would like to do that as well.  I had other ideas, like for a movie night; and possibly combining the dinners into a 'dinner and a movie' thing.  I know that I can rent tons of dvds from the library for a week so we have options.  I also know that there are people that would be wiling to donate some spare movies as well.  At a prior house meeting, it was talked about that we could do a Superbowl night if the Patriots make it to the finals.  There's lots of options here, and I would like to start a discussion on what everyone here thinks would work.  Obviously, nothing is forced onto people.  Choose what you want.  I know personally that when I'm told I *need* to do something, that immediately makes me want nothing to do with it.

 

Finally, although I think this goes without saying: I would like to mention that if you ever need to talk about something and vent about a situation then just let me know.  I genuinely care about everyone here and want living here to not feel like some sort of institution.  I feel there is a big difference between a house and a home.  A house is just a building, but a home is a place that makes you feel comfortable, safe, and that you want to be at.  If there's a way that I can make this feel like a home, then let me know and we can work together on it.  What are your interests? What would you like to do?  What can be done in 2018 to make this a home?  Take care,
 

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Glad to here you're doing good and sorry to hear that you were sick. On the plus side, you have you're clean laptop to look forward to.

I love the idea of trying to make the residents into a more cohousing situation. Don't be afraid to follow up each paragraph/topic with a short bullet point list of potential ideas/projects. From personal experience, I've had coworkers gloss over my emails and miss important meetings and events. And their only complaint was that I didn't break it down for them.
Were you going to include the link to the TEDtalk "how cohousing can make us happier (and live longer)" in your email?

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So I have my computer back but I don't have

Image result for the internet guide
 
The Inter-Web-nets, which means doing this is a pain in the ass.  I'm at the library yet again so I'm going to write about what's been going on in one post.  Less funny: more content.
 
First up are my goals.  Have I been sticking to them?
 

1) Whole Year - YES.  It's been fucking hard.  I've been having cravings every night and I keep getting close to fucking up.  I'm dealing with headaches, upset stomach, bad sleep, tired, and a lot of irritability.  I know that in a couple more days, things will start to swing the other direction and I'll be doing way better.

 

2) Media Burn - Pretty easy to avoid this...with no computer or internet at all.  I don't think the weird guy next to me would appreciate me doing a search for BDSM.  Also the library has a no-noise policy so there's no Youtubeez.  Lastly is Facebook - I hopped on 5 minutes ago to tell someone from NF to TEXT me instead of FB me.  I also had to add the woman from work because her phone broke and she's been using her kid's phone.  I added her as a friend and I'll go on FB to message her 1 more time this week and I'm back to hibernation mode.  In fact, this laptop being gone has been a fucking BLESSING.  Despite having the internets on my phone, it eats up data like crazy so I can't access anything.  Like I said, it's pretty easy to keep focused when I don't have a choice.  Fuck yeah.

 

3) Creation - Well I wasn't able to do Bellmyst writing because of no computer, but I *have* been doing some awesome shit when it comes to this goal.  The lack of laptop means I've tapped into some serious creation stuff.  I'm currently working on 2 big projects and 1 mini project; with a possible upcoming 2 more projects. SO MANY PROJECTS.  Once I get the internet, I'll upload the pictures and show off what I've been doing. Stay tuned.

 

4) School - I'm about 1/4 through my Housing First book that I decided to read. I'm angry at my agency.  They said they were following this model "mostly". No they aren't.  I have serious gripes that I'm going to talk to my supervisor about.

 

Also speaking of internship: I started an art therapy class with the residents.  It's been tepid interest but I've talked to a couple who want to do this and I told them, "Hey, motivate other people to get involved".  I will see how this pans out.  I think I need to list the residents here to make this easier:

 

-Older Resident: Has a walker.  Hates my supervisor.  Hates the head of the agency.  Loves me.  Comes to all the dinners and did art with me.

 

-Small Resident: Has a teardrop tattoo.  Comes to most dinners.  We get along great. After I handed out the notes, she comes up to me, gives me a fist bump, and says, 'We're cool man.'

 

-Handicap Resident: Has the small dog that is a mutt.  The dog loves me.  This resident wants the house to be like a family.  He can't read so he asked me to read the note to him.  I went into his apartment and read it.  He said that this note shows how much I care.  He also loves paper mache and wants to do art with me. He spoke to AngelFace (My supervisor) about the note and it made an impression.

 

-AntiSocial Resident: I helped move her in and she has been a source of drama for the house (hence the name).  She was telling the residents that I was getting money from the agency and that I *had* to cook.  I set her down and set the record straight.  According to her, the DAY case manager told her I was getting giftcards.  I wasn't.  I haven't.  I was honest with her.  I even showed her my receipt with my damn debit card.  Her attitude changed completely.  She called the day case manager a 'lying son of a bitch'.  She confided to me that she wants to get a lawyer for some stuff with the house.  She also wants to help with the dinners now: she is giving me some ground chicken and onions for next Sunday.

 

-Drinky Resident: Slightly older, keeps quiet, and drinks a bit.  We have no problems overall, we're good and friendly.  He wants to do a SuperBowl party.

 

-Quiet Resident: He's quiet.  Some people in the house assume that he's dead because he won't leave his room for a week at a time.  Not much to say here. We've talked a bit.

 

-Pirate Resident: This resident recently lost an eye and so the name pretty much explains itself.  Funfact: Pirate and AntiSocial are 'together'.  He's a cool guy.  Very quiet and calm and we get along fine.

 

-SadResident: This is the resident that I brought to drug admissions.  He's highly motivated to change, but he's also a rampant user which makes him all over the place.  AngelFace called me the other day and said that I should be his quasi-therapist.  AngelFace tells me, "He thinks you're gold and can do no wrong."  She sounded...

Image result for jealous? jake gif
 

I'm fine with taking him on.  We had a discussion the other day and he said the following verbatim, "That's great that someone can help get me my BCI but these people are tapped.  We need more than that."  And by 'we', I'm going to assume he means 'I'.  I know his background by now and he really is struggling with a lot of drama.  Being someone to talk to regularly a couple times a week will help him a bunch.

 

5) Workouts - Walk / MMA / Sledgehammer.  Real talk: I'm disgraced with going back to MMA.  I know I gained back some weight and I feel disgusting at even *going* to my MMA.  I feel like I need to get back to my original weight before I show my face again.  I can see the replies to this already, "Oh that doesn't matter.  You just keep working on yourself.  You are going to lose weight when you get back into MMA. Blah blah blah."  I KNOW all that, but I still can't bring myself to go yet.  I payed for a certain # of lessons so it's not like I'm wasting money on a membership.  I'm figuring I should be back to normal in a month or so.  In the meantime, I'm still doing my walking and sledgehammering.  There's a frigging heatwave coming (50+ degrees) so I intend to wake up early tomorrow morning and go for a long fucking walk with all the snow melting.  I'm legitimately excited to do this.

 

-ok time to reply to posts-

 

On 12/31/2017 at 5:44 PM, RES said:

:wub::ph34r:

 

Image result for kiss cheek gif

 

 

On 12/31/2017 at 6:46 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

less-than-healthy eating cycle around the other direction

 

We will spin the right direction!

 

On 12/31/2017 at 11:37 PM, Wolfen said:

What I like about you is your awareness of your struggles and your desire to do something about them and really grow as a person.

 

It's a shitty cycle, but yeah: being aware is better than making the same mistake and not getting it.

 

On 1/1/2018 at 3:14 AM, juliebarkley said:

Where does your Bellmyst stuff live? Your intro was so intriguing, but I haven't seen any more since.

 

I fully intend to continue it once I have reliable internet.  I have TONS of story written already.

 

On 1/1/2018 at 4:55 PM, StarlordPhoenix said:

I don't know if I have ever done 40 of anything in a row

 

Time-wise, I doubt I have either.

 

On 1/2/2018 at 2:17 AM, Tateman said:

I am back again

 

THE MAN OF TATE!

 

Image result for tate man's cookies

 

 

On 1/2/2018 at 4:53 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

talk trash as the rage fizzles

 

RAGE

Image result for mad max RAGE

 

On 1/3/2018 at 11:03 PM, GregT. said:

Looking forward to seeing what you do cause I will steal ideas from you.

 

Sure thing - if you have questions then ask.

 

On 1/3/2018 at 11:03 PM, GregT. said:

I hope this still fits your persona Teros:

It does: more.

 

On 1/4/2018 at 4:33 PM, Bouncer the Resilient said:

good vibes

 

Hello little writer. :P

 

 

 

By the way,   @Leigh is fucking great.  She made me a hat and I love it.  It's purple and gray with my name on it, and even a little satyr in the O, which is EXACTLY the design I was planning on making for some clothes.  I'll show a picture when I can.

 

 

I'm hoping with Bryan coming over tonight, that my internet will be set up this evening- maybe tomorrow.  We shall see. But my goals are going fucking awesome.

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It sounds like you're doing great on your goals! (Anyone surprised?)  

 

I'm looking forward to seeing what you've been creating. 

 

Also, this satyr hat... I'm intrigued about this mightily. 

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I have a photo of Teros in the hat, but I won't post it without permission. I'm just so damn glad I made it the right size!

Sent from my WAS-L03T using Tapatalk

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9 hours ago, Teros said:

5) Workouts - Walk / MMA / Sledgehammer.  Real talk: I'm disgraced with going back to MMA.  I know I gained back some weight and I feel disgusting at even *going* to my MMA.  I feel like I need to get back to my original weight before I show my face again.  I can see the replies to this already, "Oh that doesn't matter.  You just keep working on yourself.  You are going to lose weight when you get back into MMA. Blah blah blah."  I KNOW all that, but I still can't bring myself to go yet.  I payed for a certain # of lessons so it's not like I'm wasting money on a membership.  I'm figuring I should be back to normal in a month or so.  In the meantime, I'm still doing my walking and sledgehammering.  There's a frigging heatwave coming (50+ degrees) so I intend to wake up early tomorrow morning and go for a long fucking walk with all the snow melting.  I'm legitimately excited to do this.

 

-ok time to reply to posts-

 

THE MAN OF TATE!

 

Image result for tate man's cookies

I have yet to try those brand of cookies, though I have seen them in the stores around. Still not in the cards for awhile ;)

 

I know how you feel about not wanting to go back because you gained weight. This was very close to how I felt when I started my weight gain a few years ago. I felt ashamed to do anything because I felt so bad about myself. Good to recognize it now, and correct it quick. In a month you will be back, and feel great about it. I'm getting back into my grove now, and am glad. I just wish I didn't wait so damn long :)

 

 

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Missing the story times because the lack of technology, but glad to see you are finding the benefits for your goals!

 

Thanks for sharing your struggles with the Whole30, I personally have been just watching what I spend my money on and your post had helped remind me to put in perspective of my own cravings (I may have a small mantra "if Teros can do a Whole30 with his chaotic life, I can find something in my fridge to eat than a cheap (insert whatever I'm craving like crazy)."

 

And same goes with your internship- seriously I've been taking the vibes and stepping out of my own comfort zone and try new things. Have very little else to say, except even though I get exhausted from thinking about your "hardcore mode" you have been able to post 40 challenges in a row which is impressive. And enough motivation on here ripples to others.

 

original.gif

 

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Image result for rage

 

1) Whole Year - YES.  I had a couple of nights that were really fucking difficult but my chugging of apple juice to stay away from candy is working.  I've yet to have any candy or go to a drive-through.  One of the worst nights were the past two, actually.  I'll explain below.

 

2) Media Burn  - YES.  Since I got my computer back, I've actively kept it stowed away in corners and unplugged so it runs out of power, making it annoying to bother with. The drawback of it should be obvious: I'm posting less. However, I still see this as a work in progress. 

 

The only time in the past 2 or 3 months I've gone on Facebook is to add the co-worker that I'm supposed to hang out with (because her phone broke and she has no other way of getting in contact with me).  I'll need to hop on again to chat once in a while, but I think the Facebook addiction is completely broken.  I have zero desire to go on there.  I've also...had much less sex drive because of some mental shit that I'm dealing with, and that has meant I have no interest in looking up the pr()n.  Lastly is Youtube:  Holy shit am I proud of myself.

Image result for pat self on back meme

 

ZERO.  I was defining success on the youtube goal if I was on there less than 30 minutes per day.  I've actually used it less than that. I've been going DAYS without even going on the site and thank god because when I get sucked into youtube, I never seem to get myself out. Huge mega ultra success on this goal.

 

3) Creation  - Speaking of huge mega ultra successes, I'm doing great here as well!  I figured it out and I currently have 9, yes 9 art projects that I have partially finished.  I'll take some pictures once things are closer to completion.  Most of the projects are in the 80% done range, and a few are about 20% done.

 

4) School - School break so I've been taking care of myself.  I'm going back today actually and I'm dreading it, so I guess this is a success for the goal?

 

5) Workouts - I've gotten a couple of 5 mile walks in, a couple of 2.2 mile walks, and a sledgehammer workout since my last post so I'm doing fucking great with this one as well.

 

-And now onto shit that's been going on-

 

I guess I'll start by category:

 

INTERNSHIP - TJ, the co-intern and friend that was helping me with the Sunday dinners finally quit.  He switched his internship to the Department of Corrections, working with sex offenders.  He said he needed more client-based practice in order to do his papers and he was having panic attacks over schoolwork.  I don't blame him; I'm just really fucking disappointed.

 

During the Residency House Meeting on January 8th, I handed out that Letter (the rough draft that I posted here in a previous post) to all of the residents.  I got feedback from a few people immediately.  I spoke with AntiSocial Resident the following day and we had a chat about what is going on at the house and how she needs help moving her furniture.  I said I would look into it. AntiSocial Resident also mentioned that I was getting giftcards to make the Sunday meals and I told her that was a lie and I even showed her my most recent receipt.  She called the Agency a 'lying sack of shit' and said she would donate some ground chicken and onions for the following week.

 

Sunday, Jan 14th- I'm flying solo with TJ gone.  I did some food shopping and got ground pork and some teriyaki and soy sauce.  As soon as I get in, I check up on Older Resident.  She was hospitalized for 9 days in the emergency room and just got back on Saturday.  She talked to me for almost an hour. During that time, SadResident stopped in and said out loud that he was looking for me...then noticed I was in the room and talking to Older.  He said, 'Oh shit, hey.  So look, I just wanted to check in with you to let you know that I'm not dead or anything.  I'm ok."  And then he left...

 

This was bizarre.  For one, he's been taking tons of benzos and getting fucked up and also staff were trying to get him to Butler (mental hospital) because of his suicidal threats and tendencies.  He takes meds and sleeps for 20ish hours per day.  So for him to be....'peppy' and looking for me and telling me about how he's not dead (despite the fact that I never see him awake this late) is extremely unsettling for me.  After I talk to Older Resident and find out about how there was internal bleeding and how something ruptured and was coughing blood, I let her know that I'm going to check on everyone else and then cook.

 

I immediately go downstairs and head to Sad Resident's apartment.  I knock on his door and he, for the first time ever, opens the door.  I ask if I can come in and we sit on his couch and start talking.  The following hour was enlightening.  We talked about homeless culture, why the agency has it's head up it's ass with this residency, the drama going on, and confiding about his substance use, depression, and what he is doing with his life.  There were a couple of times that he would say, 'you know what I mean?' and other prompts to make sure I understood - I would jump a step ahead and explain what he meant.  He would cheer, 'EXACTLY!' 

 

A good example of this was how he was talking about his hospital visits always being about making him detox and then throwing him out.  I explained that this doesn't address the problems going on, and looking at him *only* as an addict instead of as a person that's self-medicating because of other horrible shit is what leads to stereotyping.  "EXACTLY MAN!"  he cries out, "THEY DON'T GET THAT THIS IS THE EFFECT!"  I bring up how there are healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms and in the moment, the unhealthy one wins out.  I gave the example of a person that was physically abused, so they start drinking.  And after 5 years of being an alcoholic, they quit drinking and suddenly they are a shitshow afterwards.  Sad Resident replies, "Honestly, I *wish* it was drugs that has been making me this fucked up the past month but I've used way less but it seems I'm doing so much worse.  This is the worst depression I've had in my life." 

 

He told me he wants to go to treatment, but also feels that he needs someone to force him to go, because he's self-aware enough to know he'll back out of treatment.  We talked about him checking himself into Butler or another place.  I then said bluntly, "Look, let me be real with you.  What can *I* do to help you out so we can work on this?"  He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Honestly, what we're doing now.  Just getting all of this shit out."  I replied, "So how about this:  do you feel that regardless of you being in a hospital for a month or a week or a day or whatever....that when you come back, you would want to set aside some time just to hash out shit and just vent like this?  I could come in earlier on Sundays and Tuesdays and work on processing all this stuff that you have going on."  He nodded and said 'yeah' a few times.  He thinks that will help him a lot.  He wanted me to check on him in a couple days to make sure he went to the hospital.  We joked and said, "What will happen is you'll clean the apartment a bunch and make it seem like you got your shit together and use that as an excuse to not bother getting treatment" and we chuckled about it.  He was going to try and sleep after he had a cigarette and we parted ways.

 

Time for dinner.  I had 4 of the residents show up for food: Small, AntiSocial, Handicap, and Older.  We were talking, cutting up peppers and onions, and frying up meat.  We all ate at the table.  Because of the amount of olive oil I used to fry, the soy/teryaki was really diluted so I told be to throw a few 'shots' of the sauce once top once they took their servings. I noticed that Older Resident was irrationally angry at Small Resident.  Eventually, we all ate, cleaned up, and then I checked on Older Resident at her apartment.  She tells me there's a gift on the table.  I turn around and it turns out, she told the staff that she wanted to be *my* secret santa (I did not enroll in this secret santa business...).  She told me a couple times that, "It's not much....but it's from the heart."  The secret santa spending limit was $5.  I mean, we are working with previously homeless residents so 5 bucks seems like plenty.  I open it and it's a

 

DOMINANT GOLD GIFT SET

 

What is that?  Well it's an aftershave, cologne, and shower gel combo pack from Gucci.  When I got in the car, I called up JJ and had her google it.  It was $20-$25.  Older Resident...c'mon.  That's way too much to spend on me.

 

Image result for golden dominance cologne

  I accepted the gift and we talked more.  I brought up her annoyance with Small Resident.  She goes, "Nah we're fine...."  I look sternly at her.  "Ok, we're not fine."

 

She tells me that 9 days ago, AntiSocial and Small went into her apartment because they wanted a cigarette.  Older didn't give them any and so she was *beaten up by them*.

 

Image result for wat

 

She tells me how that's how the rupture happened.  She showed me her hospital paperwork and everything.  I also noticed that she had little red marks on her face, like cat scratches.  Did this seriously happen?  She is also prone to having seizures and sometimes people black out with that and muddy their memories prior to the seizure.  Now I'm not sure what the fuck to think.

 

I finish in the kitchen, do my final check-ins, call JJ about that Dominance stuff, and go home.

 

Tuesday, I have my meeting with AngelFace and then I do art therapy.  My meeting with AngelFace is hilariously lopsided.

 

I don't come right out and say information.  After all, I am a trafficker of information.

Image result for the merovingian matrix
 

I want to know what the other person knows before I tell.  Things I know about:

 

1- The 3rd and 4th floors are unlocked.

2- People can hop up and down the slight gabled rooftops to climb into/out of the house

3- Small Resident has a drug dealer friend that stops by

4- AntiSocial Resident is getting a lawyer against the Agency

5- The name of the person that beat up the Older Resident

6- How to break open a door

 

Things AngelFace knows about:

Image result for jon snow
 
I shared some of this information with her and it was revelation after revelation.  It's become apparent to me between multiple residents that no one trusts the
1) AngelFace
2) Day Casemanager
3) Peer Advisor
4) Other Interns
 
In some twist of fate, everyone will confide *only to me* about these things, and a bunch of other smaller things.  I also realized that those above people are telling *me* how I can earn trust, like somehow they think they are doing better than me.  They don't realize that they're doing much much worse than me.  I'm in the trenches here. Since this residency started, I have learned the following through contacts and information-gathering:
 
-How to make Crockadoil.
-How to make another synthetic
-Who/Where to get hookers
-Who/Where to get cocaine/meth
 
I also, if I really wanted to, could learn how to pick locks from professional(s).
 
Related image

  There's something about this 'dirtying' of my knowledge-base that feels almost good.  I came into this feeling like I was clueless, but armed with blunt honesty and empathy; I've won over everyone I've come into contact with.  The residents see me as one of their own.  AngelFace told me in my supervision that they don't say any information.  "They honor the code".  And yet, here I am, getting this information.  This can mean only one thing: I've crossed the barrier from 'squeaky-clean-clueless-social-worker-that-follows-the-manual-but-has-no-common-sense' to being accepted.  I follow the code: my OWN code.  I've felt I have more and more in common with the residents than I do my classmates.  I've realized very quickly in this internship that everything is based on respect.  You give it.  You get it.  And the fact that I don't deal with bullshit has made the residents embrace me.  In a very odd sense, I feel....home.  These are my people, not the assbags that post their first-world-problems on facebook.  I know people in my school that dread their internships, that don't speak up, that write in their dumb fucking reflections how they experienced an emotion with taking a phrase the wrong way and being a triggered idiot.  I feel like I'm in Special Snowflake School, but my internship is the School of Hard Knocks and the discrepancy couldn't be any clearer.  I remember classmates, friends, and family being hesitant and worried for me, asking if this is *really* what I want to do.

 

Image result for you're goddamn right
 
I won't forget what Sad Resident said to me a couple weeks back.  He said, "It's great that there's people that help get your BCI, but what we need is this" as he hand motioned to me.  Everyone is so caught up in protocol, procedure, and making sure to handle something professionally, and making sure we use the 'motivational interviewing' skills, and yadda yadda.  It's all textbook. Boring.  It's paper...not practice.  I don't need instructions to tell me how to identify with another person.  The fact I can reword what people are saying, understand them, and bring it right back to them so they know I 'get it' doesn't need to be drilled into me as a skill.  It's already who I am.  I don't need a chapter in a book to tell me how to feel empathy. I don't need a written assignment to validate people's emotions.  School is just a bunch of fucking fluff for all these dimwits that are so overly-censored that they can't think for themselves.  I told a classmate that I was making a mask.  Her text response was, "I respect your right to do that."
 
WHO FUCKING TALKS LIKE THAT?!  When I pressed her on the subject, she told me that she thought it was religious and 'wanted to make sure that I knew that she was tolerant of my life-choices'.  Again, who the fuck in their right mind talks like that?  Let's pretend it *was* religious....why would I give a shit what you think of my religion?  Or let's rephrase this:  What if I said I was putting on fancy shoes to wear to church, and the person responds with, "I respect your right to do that."  Do you see how fucking stupid that sounds?  Can you tell how incredibly fucktarded and almost comically anti-human that sounds?  It almost sounds like mocking, but I know this person well enough to know it's not. It's genuine.  The entire 'forced respect' and political correctness might have good intentions, but it doesn't make sense. Only in a detached fantasy-world will I go up to a cashier at a supermarket and say, "Thanks a lot, miss.  Oh!  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to assume your gender despite the fact you have a very soft features, large breasts, wide hips, and are very obviously female-leaning in looking...not to say that I'm saying a man can't be feminine-looking, or that there's anything wrong with that or OMG AM I TRIGGERING YOU? I'M SO SORRY!"
 
The cashier is a chick.  Or a very very girly dude.  Get over it.  I've had old people say, "Miss" from behind when my hair is down.  I turn around and they realize these luscious locks of hair belong to a man and then I tell them where the peanut butter is.  I'm not getting offended.  I have hair that most women would be jealous to have.  Big deal.  I'm not going to throw a tantrum or consider some old fuck as having a 'microaggression' against me.  The problem is that 'respect your right to do that' speech pattern is the whole school...
 
A couple years ago, I couldn't even look in the direction of an attractive woman to talk to them and now I'm totally fine walking into a stranger's apartment who has multiple criminal charges and talking openly about abuse, drinking, and swearing.  I've somehow skyrocketed from borderline autistic to social prodigy in the past couple of years.  The more comfortable I am, the more blunt I speak and people either find it refreshing and welcome it, or they are off-put and go back to their hugbox.
 
Then on Tuesday evening, I was given Handicap Resident's debit card and pin number.  I picked up a couple things for him.  He asked about needing help with cleaning his place to move to a different room number.  I told him I would help, and my plan is to work with him to get a nurse staff to come in once a week to help him.  It's covered under his insurance.  According to 'Staff', he is refusing help and yet he's asking me.  Also, he worked on a birdhouse, Older resident worked on a gingerbread house, and I was working on another cardboard house.
 
So that's how my internship is going.
 
RELATIONSHIPS:
 
Lyn and I are still texting and I'm enjoying talking to her on a near-daily basis.  I'm glad she's back in my life, truly.  Although she has the flu right now and I wish I could take care of her.
 
I ended things with Sophy.  Who's Sophy?  The Asian woman that I've been close with, who I didn't even mention on here.  Done and gone.  No problems.  It was a mutual agreement and she was disappointed that I didn't want to keep talking.  Whatever.
 
I....also did something difficult last night, and it's the main reason I'm writing this post.
 
I ended things with Little.  As people know, I was kind of dating two main women: JJ and Little.  During art therapy for my internship, Little wanted to talk.  We texted about what *this* was and the seriousness of it.  She wanted to stay casual (in other words, back out).  She's done this twice before since July.  Third strike and you're out.  I told her we would talk about this on Wednesday.
 
Last night, I went to her place and I asked her a few questions like, "Why would you say you love me if you're just going to cast me aside like this?"  "What do you want in a relationship? I've been asking for MONTHS."  "Why did you do X, Y, and Z if you thought/felt *this*?"  And other shit.  It boils down to her wanting a pothead guitar player that has a lot of sex with her.  I pressed for more.  There isn't.  That's seriously how shallow she is.  That's her entire requirement list.  Well, as I wrote before; I wasn't doing *VS* with her because I need emotional support and connection.  I never got that. And I'm not going to be a pothead for her.  I've been questioning why the fuck I even deal with this women for the past couple of weeks.  That's another reason I've been so quiet on here.  It's not because of motivation: I'm doing fucking great.  Instead, I needed to hermit myself a bit to reflect on Little.  JJ actually cooks dinner, is supportive, and has shown at least *some* interest in making me happy.  Little on the other hand, has done nothing.  The following is a deconstruction:
 
When I first met Little, I was smitten.  There was something pleasing about just looking at her and listening to her talk.  She's bubbly.  The first night we went out, a woman on the street saw us talking and giggling and said, "You two make a great couple."  Little wanted to have sex with me that night and I told her I don't do that....because I wanted emotional connection.  I didn't know her nearly well enough and I wanted things to be memorable.  We did a lot of pg-13 stuff for the following weeks until I was ok with doing physical things to her, like using my hand or mouth.  There were early signs of problems.   About a month into our dating, I went down on her and she stopped moaning, told me to stop, then said she missed her ex and started crying, naked, on her bed in the fetal position.  She grabbed her stuffed animal and I was stunned.  What the hell am I supposed to do about that?  I went to the bathroom, cleaned up, and then talked to her.  It was then that I realized she was damaged, far deeper than I originally knew.  Seeing as how the woman I love was gone from my life, I understood.  And with Little telling me about how her prior relationship was mentally and emotionally abusive, I REALLY understood that because of the 12 years with my ex.  It seemed like a good match: two love-broken people that enjoy each other's company.  We started getting close and then out of the blue, she tells me that she's choosing a guy named Scott over me.
 
I was deeply hurt, but not surprised; because I was juggling 20 women at the time and was cutting that number down significantly.  I felt awful because despite not trying to get close to her, the truth is that I really liked her and I had a hard time understanding exactly why.  After her and Scott ended things, she wanted to hang out and she became instantly jealous, even telling me so; at all the attention I was still getting.  We picked up where we left off until a couple months later, when she said she wanted to be with this other dude.  She was hurt because he shot her down and she showed me the text messages. The guy was a player - he was saying the most cliche shit ever and it was actually pretty sad that Little didn't see how painfully obvious this was.  You don't tell a person after one week that their eyes are like the ocean and whatever other horseshit love-song puke you siphoned from pop culture.  I was there for her.  Then her birthday in November came by and I made her a thoughtful gift.  After that story (that I wrote on here previously) she realized she wanted to be with me.  She tells me that she has strong feelings for me, but also 'wants to kind whore around' and it was difficult because she never felt *both* things at the same time.  Whatever.  I was still with JJ and had less than 10 women to juggle so that was understandable, although I didn't agree.  I'm not poly.  I'm way too jealous to be that.  And I think that cheapens physical intimacy.  But considering what a shitshow all the women are online, and what a shitshow dating in general is like; I pocketed my emotions and sort of pretended to not think about a woman that I was close to getting fucked by some dude on a Tuesday, and then us making out on a Thursday.  After all, I was fooling around with others as well.  It's just that it's not what I truly want.
 
I went with Little to LittleCon and I wrote about that.  I went and met her family on Yule and wrote about that too.  We went to the candystore and made vodkas and I wrote about that story too.  Then I get really sick, don't see her for about a week, and then she starts questioning the seriousness of the relationship.  I ask what she wants from a relationship and her criteria are:
1) Sex
2) Pot
3) Musician
Her standards are stupid, but seeing as how I'm not getting the emotional validity, #1 isn't happening.  I'm not going to abuse drugs so #2 isn't happening.  And #3 is something that I would like to do, but I don't have the time to juggle that in addition to everything else.
 
I made her a birthday gift, a christmas gift, and a joke gift.  I was there for her emotionally.  I took care of her when she was sick.  I ran errands for her.  I did her dishes sometimes to help her out.  I was there and moved other stuff out of my schedule so I could be there for her when she had bad days or had a panic attack and didn't want to be alone.  I played games with her.  Her cats loved me more than they loved her.  And I was supportive in every way that I could have been.
 
You know what she did for *my* christmas gift? Vegan chili.  She made HERSELF chili and said it was a meal for me.  That's like me grilling up hamburgers and saying that's my christmas gift to a vegan.  No, that's not a gift.  You made yourself dinner and gave me leftovers.  Every single time we hung out, I drove to her place: she never came here.  I tried to talk to her about serious things and she wouldn't handle it.  I even asked if she wanted me to go to therapist appointments with her so I could be supportive and maybe talking with the therapist there might be helpful. I was willing to work *with* her and also catered certain parts of my life around her.  And what did I get in return?
 
She never came to visit me.  She choose multiple guys over me.  She never was there for me emotionally.  She pressured me and took my V-card and then guilted me into trying to have sex with her more, even when I said I wasn't ready.
 
By now, if it's not obvious: she was a drain in my fucking life.  And her questioning the seriousness and wanting to make sure that we are 'casual' was a nail in the coffin that she just wants me tethered around...so I cut myself off.  I'm not getting dicked around by her, and I'm sure as hell not going to chance being guilted around because she values my friendship.  What has she said or done to prove that I am of any worth to her?  Nothing. 
 
She's like most of the women I've dealt with:  they talk the talk but they don't walk the walk.  Don't tell me you are fat and need to lose weight, then eat dessert instead of dinner.  Don't tell me you're a die-hard vegan and eat Dominos cheese pizza twice a week. I could go on and turn this into a serious rant.  The point is that she's weak emotionally.  She's weak physically.  She has no drive, no ambition, and it was becoming clearer and clearer that she was an emotional cancer in my life.  She clings desperately to people stronger than her because of how pathetic she is.  She can't do anything for herself, opting instead to act like a fucking child.  Her one 'skill' is using sex as a bargaining chip.  She wouldn't do her dishes and then pout like a baby and pretend to be sexy, like somehow that will work.  Maybe it works for all the drooling fuckhead jocks whose dicks you suck, but it doesn't work with me.  Clean your fucking dishes, and learn how to cook. Learn how to eat.  Learn how to be a fucking adult.
Image result for RAGE

 

The past couple weeks I've been building up this rage with her and then Tuesday's conversation was the tipping point for it to spill over.

 
This is a commentary on a bigger-scale issue that I have.  I'm tired of women that use sex as the only way to get things that they want.  And I'm tired of the women that act helpless so the 'big strong man' can show up. It's equally pathetic for the guy to think he's hot stuff because he opens the pickle jar for the helpless little girl.  It's some warped damsel in distress bullshit.  It's pathetic of women to act like that.  It's pathetic for men to fall for the ego-stroking and manipulation.  Both people in that exchange are shitty and weak-minded people.  Open your own pickle jar, lady; and have more self-worth than doing menial effort jobs, dude.  You both suck.
 
Little was the extreme version of this.  I understand role-playing, and I'm ok with Daddy/Little Girl stuff too.  But at some point, you need to grow up.  It's ROLE playing, not LIFE playing.  You can't be that helpless and pathetic 24/7, and run away from your problems and panic.  I tried to work with her and help her, and I got literally nothing in return.
 
I know that if I wanted to, I could have let this stuff drop and I could still be physical with her.  On the outside, she's beautiful:
 
little2.jpg
 (she's an exhibitionist and has tons of stuff out there)
 
But on the inside? No.  After talking for a bit, I took the rough draft song, I deleted my Dark Souls 3 character off her PS4, I grabbed the gifts that I made her, threw them in the black garbage bag that I brought with me, and walked out the door.  It's fucking DONE.  I feel a lot freer having ended things and I have no intention of seeing her again.
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What I thought about Little damn near every time I read a post about her:

 

so-done-with-your-shit_o_2996909.jpg

 

After reading your post I legit did this at my desk. Confused the hell out of my sister...

 

giphy.gif

 

Well done sir!

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Yeah, what @Leigh said, basically. I've had a similar rant like the one you posted going on in my head every time you mentioned Little, but never said anything because you needed to get to that point yourself. Glad you did.

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Haven't been around much in a while but was so happy to see this!! I had several thoughts when you would talk about little...glad you finally came to this realization :D 

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Goodbye, Angel

 

Right after I ended things with Little, I was told that Angel was moving back home by the end of the month.  Her roommate moved out a couple weeks prior because he lost his third job in the year that he has been up here and said that it was pointless for him to stick around.  He paid his month's rent and left in early January.  Angel has had the apartment all to herself.  We spent some time together: hanging out a couple times at her place.  She wanted her septum pierced like me, so I called up the guy I went to and he remembered me.  It was kind of amusing to see it from the outsider's perspective: when I got it done I was nervous as hell because that was my first piercing.  The other times we hung out, we would sit in her bed and be side-by-side, watching stuff on youtube and making fun of things.

 

Around January 20th, Angel was talking to me and mentioned casually that I was her best friend.  I was taken aback.  She went, "What?  Was I supposed to verbally tell you that?"

 

Yeah, that would have been really assuring to me.

 

On Thursday, January 25th, it was our last time to hang out; as her dad was driving all the way up and getting a U-haul to help her pack everything on Saturday.  We cuddled a bit in bed and I kissed her.  As I was heading to the door to leave, we had a long hug.  I don't know - maybe 20 seconds or so.  I told her that I loved her and was going to miss her.  She said the same, but promised she would be back to see me in a couple months.  I doubt it, but who knows anymore.  I really am going to miss her.  She's not ideal at all as a partner, but she has passion, artistic vision, and we have the same brand of humor.  I've found it really rare to find someone that can volley jokes back and forth like her.

 

With that, I went home and ate a bunch of crap.  This is my first food fuck-up and I know there's no excuses; but I felt extremely alone in that moment.  Regardless, I rebounded back the next day and I've been back to normal.

 

I feel like I've finally made it over the hump, when it comes to cravings.  Besides that depressing evening, the thought of most junk food grosses me out.  I was working in the CANDY AISLE of the market today and there was nothing there that I even wanted to buy, despite handling chocolate for 7ish hours.  I think there are some carbs that get snuck in when I'm not paying attention, but I don't have that insane feeling like I NEED candy. 

 

I ca't accurately describe to everyone just how entrenched junk food is for me.  When I'm in the middle of a season-long binge; my brain doesn't stop.  It just gets antsy, nervous, jittery, depressed, angry....everything.  I have no control.  It's as bad as any drug.  I've been heading on my way to get junk food and feeling on the verge of tears because I didn't want to eat it, but I felt I had no control to stop it: like my body was going against my own will.  Do you know what it's like to be chewing food and crying because you literally can't stop yourself?  It's a level of helplessness that can only be experienced- not written about.

 

That feeling? That helpless 'I can't stop' feeling?  Gone.  I was cleaning up and I found a christmas gift I was supposed to give to someone.  I opened up the bag and there were reece's cups inside.  I held them and said, "I'm not doing this" and threw them in the trash.

 

Related image

 

Speaking of all this sad miserable shit, here's another thing that made me tear up but for the opposite reason...

 

I went into my internship and I was going to do the normal Sunday night cooking with them.  I brought burgers and some mushrooms and peppers.  As soon as I walk in, AntiSocial Resident storms up to me and says,

 

"WHATEVER YOU BROUGHT, YOU CAN BRING HOME!  WE'RE MAKING YOU DINNER TONIGHT!" 

Image result for tear up gif

 

 All the residents wanted to show their appreciation and so they made a bunch of stuffed peppers and some homemade fries.  Everyone was in the living room and kitchen, moving around.  I was talking to the residents and they were opening up more.  Something just...clicked.  When one of the residents wanted a stuffed pepper, the AntiSocial one said, 'NO....He gets the first one' and points at me with the kitchen knife.  Like I'm the goddamn Alpha.

Image result for smirk gif

 

   I say that I appreciate the gesture, but I want to eat with everyone.  So a little bit later, we're all eating homemade fries and stuffed peppers and watching tv.  It was glorious.

 

Oh, in class today I ended up talking to Cynthia about her divorce and what's going on with her and we might be hanging out at some point.

 

Time for actual goals, eh?

 

1) Whole Year - Well the fuck-up with Angel messed up the streak, but I'm right back to normal and feeling a little better every day.

 

2) Media Burn - Still no porn.  Still no Youtube binge.  I still hop on Facebook to message the girl from work for 20 seconds and that's it.  Fuck yeah.

 

3) Creation - OMG, so much art.  I need to get clear pictures because I've done a ton of stuff.

 

4) School - Classes just started back and HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY shit I'm going to get swamped in about a week.  Let's do this.

 

5) Workouts - I decided that I want to be under my original weight before I go back to MMA, so the walking and the sledgehammering has been going pretty well.  Did another 5 miles on Saturday.

 

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