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Teros XXXX: Terrible Things

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Sorry to hear about Angel.  I hope you get to see her again in a few months as she said.  As for the F up, it happens and you did exactly the right thing forget it and power on.  Good to see that it actually works and if I make the mistake I will look to your example. 


   I think you are doing incredible things at the Internship.  It really sounds like you are turning that place around.  Have you had anymore interaction with the community groups?  How is the planning for the garden coming?


Love to see the updates.  Keep it going man, you are in inspiration.

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6 hours ago, Teros said:

I still hop on Facebook to message the girl from work for 20 seconds and that's it.

Assuming you own a smartphone, why not download Messenger there and avoid the Book of Feces alltogether?

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17 hours ago, Teros said:


I ca't accurately describe to everyone just how entrenched junk food is for me.  When I'm in the middle of a season-long binge; my brain doesn't stop.  It just gets antsy, nervous, jittery, depressed, angry....everything.  I have no control.  It's as bad as any drug.  I've been heading on my way to get junk food and feeling on the verge of tears because I didn't want to eat it, but I felt I had no control to stop it: like my body was going against my own will.  Do you know what it's like to be chewing food and crying because you literally can't stop yourself?  It's a level of helplessness that can only be experienced- not written about.

I had been there too. The closest thing I can think of to describe it, is a shark feeding frenzy. Like everything in my brain is saying no don't eat this anymore, but I just keep going. Grabbing something and thinking "Fuck, I really don't need to eat this, I just ate all the other bad thing" Then proceed to eat it anyway.

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On 1/29/2018 at 6:55 PM, Teros said:

With that, I went home and ate a bunch of crap.  This is my first food fuck-up and I know there's no excuses; but I felt extremely alone in that moment.  Regardless, I rebounded back the next day and I've been back to normal.



Ooh, impressive!! I always have the hardest time getting back on track after a slip up. It's so hard. Great job. 




Also, it is so sweet for them to cook you dinner. I am certain you earned that appreciation in spades. 


Good luck with classes!

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On 1/29/2018 at 11:32 PM, GregT. said:

Have you had anymore interaction with the community groups?  How is the planning for the garden coming?


I have spoken to K, the woman who donated a Christmas tree over the holidays.  She wants to do a Game Night with the residents.  I'm supposed to pick up a box of her stuff today at some point.


As for the garden planning, I think the schematic is all figured out and in another month or two, there will be more information about what is being planted as it starts to get warmer outside.


On 1/30/2018 at 2:49 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

Assuming you own a smartphone, why not download Messenger there and avoid the Book of Feces alltogether?


I don't do *anything* on my phone.  Despite finally getting a smartphone back in May ( I had a slider phone with regular buttons...); I still refuse to use the internet data package.  I feel like if I end up doing that, I will easily add apps and then the temptation to do internet things like Facebook, Youtube, and mindless article-surfing will become difficult.  Having my computer be the ONLY place that I access the internet means that I can have a hard limit.  Besides, I've only talked to Lesly once on facebook and it's been literally less than 4 sentences so it's not something I see myself getting sucked back up into.  I honestly think I've broken the dependency.


On 1/30/2018 at 1:09 PM, Tateman said:

a shark feeding frenzy. Like everything in my brain is saying no don't eat this anymore, but I just keep going. Grabbing something and thinking "Fuck, I really don't need to eat this, I just ate all the other bad thing" Then proceed to eat it anyway.


Yeah, it's a frenzy.  Luckily I had purged enough before the slip-up that all of the food I ate was disgusting and I actually THREW OUT FOOD.  That's a huge deal for me.  I don't know if people have seen commercials for the new Taco Bell fries, but they were fucking terrible.  They weren't crispy- more noodle-like than anything.  The seasoning was a sporadic dusting of taco seasoning.  And the cheese sauce for dipping starts to congeal pretty quick.  What should be crispy fries and gooey cheese was more like damp spaghetti and orange glue.  I remember throwing other bits and pieces of things out but I can't remember what.  I haven't had anything junk-wise since that.


On 2/1/2018 at 10:11 AM, CallunaTook said:

I always have the hardest time getting back on track after a slip up. It's so hard.


My stomach the next day didn't like it and I ended up not eating breakfast or lunch the following day.  Dinner was my batch-cooked food.  When I start feeling antsy, I drink apple juice and that seems to be sweet enough to stop my brain from being pissy.  Still 0 candy.




Bitching, Beatings, & Bugs:


Boy oh boy oh boy.




I've mentioned before that I tried talking to my Monday Night Teacher, in my monthly reflection.  He wanted to see me and asked if I wanted to be in this program.  He doubted my resolve.  The ranting that I said went over his head and somehow meant that I hated being a social worker.  Far far from it.  Well last Thursday (Jan 25th), a classmate friend of mine was talking to the Thursday Night Teacher.  My friend brought up how she felt threatened and attacked because of 'looks' and 'microaggressions'.  This type of crap sickens me, but she's my friend and other people in the class had issues with some other students so I stayed after class and supported my friend. 


Basically the right-side of the room are clicky girls.  And the left-side of the room are kinda clicky girls (plus me).  The left-side consists of: Natasha, Shalissa, Sabrina, Lori, Beth, Julia, and myself.  We're all buds.  For the record: Natasha, Shalissa, Sabrina, and Lori are the ladies I went and got a drink with a few weeks ago.


The right-side of the room consists of uh... idk their names.  Also Simone is on that side, but she seems nice enough when we talk.  My friend (one of those in the list) spoke to the teacher about this "high-school drama". The problem is that my friend wants to transfer out of the class and also wanted to know if we could, from now on, choose our partners when we do group activities.


This went up my ass a country mile.  Here's the thing: she was bullied when she was younger and so was I.  But running away from problems and having everyone else cater around what YOU want just because you feel 'microaggressions' (which amount to a random few words or a general feeling) is NOT the way the world works.  It's weak.  Despite feeling my friend is wrong, I understand her issues (I won't go into detail about her history here) so I felt I should support her.  As she was talking to the teacher, the teacher said, "No one should feel like they can't speak their mind in class."


I... audibly huffed.  This caused the teacher to ask what that was about. I replied that if I was actually bluntly honest in this school, I would probably be expelled and I haven't felt like I could say anything for the YEARS I've been here.  She looked concerned and said that we need to 'have a talk next week'.


Cue Thursday, Feb 1st.


The teacher gives me her cell phone number.

Image result for can i have your number gif


We are supposed to meet an hour before class starts this evening.  I walk into this as a bundle of nerves.  No one has had my back at this school and I've gotten routinely fucked.  But I still refuse to keep quiet.  I have no choice now.   I see my teacher in the hall and we step inside the office and I close the door.  I ask her what exactly am I supposed to tell her.  I don't know what we should be talking about here.


The following turns into an hour-long rant.  I'll summarize.


I explained that my friend was wrong.  I don't think that people should cater around her and her demands simply because she feels a little awkward. The world doesn't work like that.  I also spoke of there being an agenda at the school, with people being completely out of touch with reality.  I brought up my *other* teacher and how his response to my issues with how people practice social work somehow meant I wasn't passionate about the profession.  This couldn't have been more wrong: I'm complaining BECAUSE I'm passionate and because I see the way that social work being run as a serious detriment to the field.  Agencies are all fighting among each other for scraps of money for funding, and are hard-pressed to get scientific results even though there is more qualitative information that is not factored in.  In the desperate attempt for social workers (and whenever I say this, I mean the profession as a whole- not a specific person) to feel like they are validated, they keep turning to the scientific resources.  They are insecure and need to have their egos stroked.  Having the best practice makes sense, and I'm not saying that scientific proof of something working should be dismissed.  Rather, I think that the overall fact that social workers are working WITHIN a shitty capitalistic system makes them become what they hate. 


Social workers are supposed to be stirring the shit.  They are supposed to be advocating for more than what they are getting instead of being happy for getting the pathetic resources that they are handed after being overworked and underpaid.  I explained that the entire structure of social workers needs to be revamped- bitching about small budget cuts here and there is like the boiling frog principle: small changes over a long time is eroding the very fabric of the social work profession.  Instead of me advocating for prison reform money and my other social worker neighbor advocating for sexual assault funds and only ONE of us being granted money; we should be all in the same boat and advocating for a large sum for BOTH of our niche groups that we work for.  The problem is that social workers have lost their fangs.  Instead of being headstrong passionate advocates that are fighting for their clients, we instead have people that are overly sensitive and weak.  We have a group grieving party at the school for when trump won.  We create censorship and brand it as political correctness.  We have people that don't think hate speech is free speech.  We have people that immediately denounce anyone that doesn't side with them as being a nazi and deserving to be punched.  We have a group that preaches being tolerant and being aware of their biases; yet are the most stubborn pig-headed and clueless fucktards that have no problem pointing fingers and labeling other groups.  I explained that I'm independent.  I don't prescribe to either side because I think the focus on both left and right sides are WRONG. There's some info that is helpful from everywhere but we are too clingy to labels.  I feel we live in a world where small issues are blown up into bigger problems as a way to focus and divert our attention.  We have people bitching on facebook feeds and unfriending each other over certain things that are said or stupid memes.  All of this turns a group that is supposed to be self-aware into a group of special snowflakes, a bunch of SJWs and (as I hate to use the vernacular) soyboys and cucks that can't handle any sort of criticism.  The other side is being called racist, sexist, pigs and nazis.  Both sides are fucking stupid.  I brought up how in a class, a woman said something about, "that's what all men are like".  When I gave her a look, she corrected herself and said, "Well, you're not a guy...guy."  I don't know what is worse: being thought of as an intolerant asshole or being told that I'm not a man- because somehow those two things go hand in hand.  I said point-blank to my teacher this sentence:


"In HBDO (human behavior, diversity, and oppression) I got to hear that I'm the ultimate evil because I'm a cis white male.  Like somehow I'm beating everyone with my massive throbbing cock of oppression."


Yes..when I look back on it now, I can't believe I said loudly "THROBBING COCK OF OPPRESSION" to my teacher.


I went on to say that it's not because I'm a horrible MAN.  It's not because I'm WHITE.  It's not because I'm STRAIGHT.  Instead the oppression is from those who have the money.  I'm not Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, or Zuckerberg.  However, all of them happen to be straight white males.  Does that mean that I'm in the same category of them and able to shape the culture of the country?  Fuck no.  I'm not a billionaire that has a company that is being used by millions of people and which steals data, is invested in marketing, own slave production lines in other countries, and outsources jobs.  I don't do any of that shit.


I brought up how I talked to my Domestic Violence teacher a year ago, after she said that the media is all male-enforced and has violence and confrontation.  I walked up to her and asked, "Well if you think that 'rape culture' is because of the narrative of heavy violence and confrontation; how exactly are we supposed to eliminate violence and confrontation from all books, tv, movies, videogames, and every other media outlet?"  She nodded and she said that was the problem.  What?  So WHAT are you suggesting we do? Are we supposed to have every book, show, movie, game, and magazine be about how everyone shook hands and danced in fields?  Conflict and chaos are what creates change.  It's what creates heroes and villains.  How the fuck can you even have media with CONFLICT EXISTING?  What is this utopia you are proposing where every human being that talks to another never has anything bad or confrontational to say?  How does this work, and is the plan moving forward to be trying to have this happen in everyday culture? 


Image result for that's not how any of this works


So after throwing my HBDO teacher under the bus, my Direct Practice teacher under the bus, my Domestic Violence teacher under the bus, and the majority of the classmates under the bus in the mother of all rants; how did my teacher respond to my soapbox speech?


*deep breath*


I was worried that I wouldn't be able to keep my cool and that the passionate way that I feel would bleed out in a spout of righteousness and furious anger about the very nature of the country and how human being works through conditioning, learned helplessness, and rampant stupidity.  That's exactly what happened and once it started, there were no brakes on the rage-train.


You know what I noticed?  She was smiling and chuckling during the entire thing.  She looked to the side of her desk and said the following,


"First off, everything I'm about to say doesn't leave this office.  And me even saying *that* sentence already is a serious issue..."  I told her that I wasn't going to tell teachers or students about this stuff.


She admitted that most of the teachers here have spent a lifetime in academia and are not in touch with the real world.  She graduated from here 10+ years ago and all the same teachers are here.  I told her about what I was doing at the residency and she said that I was a *real* social worker.  She asked me (maybe rhetorically) "Do you even know how much you were able to do with that one conversation about mma with a client?"  She was legitimately pissed off at me that I won't speak up in class because "these kids need to hear everything" that I just said.  She felt the exact same way when she was in school and hated learning about this stuff: it was boring, repetitive, and not helpful.  She said, "You see what I'm working with" when referencing the other students and how none of them understand this stuff.  She said that social work is all about stirring up shit and making a lot of noise and that's when you are passionate, but people fall into a rut of boredom.  She said there really *is* a cult/culture within the school's walls and that teachers and students alike are brainwashed and don't have a clue.  And the best thing I can do is to make noise in the class because my classmates need to hear these things from a non-teacher.  However, she respects that she won't call on me and force me to say anything; and if there is anything at all that she can do to help me out, she has my back.  She also sighed and said, "I really needed this."  She admitted that it validated how she had been feeling all along. I was like a breath of fresh air to her in this stuffy, stifling environment.



Image result for what the fuck gif



You agree with me that the teachers are incompetent, the students are brainwashed, that there is a cult that is intolerant, and that I should be learning from outside sources and that I'm going to be one of the best social workers she's ever seen and everyone can learn from me?


Image result for what the fuck gif


My brain could not wrap around what just happened.  I have been testing the waters with multiple teachers and students.  I have been poking the bear of this institution and I've gotten nothing but little snaps back at me and questioning of my loyalty.  And when my rage has reached such a palpable fervor and I finally open the floodgates, I'm praised for my intelligence, wit, determination, and I'm thanked for it?


My teacher told me one last thing: that I should talk to my friend and tell her how I felt.  Coming from a teacher it would be inappropriate to say these things.  But from a friend, my teacher said I would be able to confidently get my point across...


...So I did.


After class, I talked to my friend in the parking lot.  I said that when people talk shit about you and you transfer a class, they win.  Everyone that hates you wins when you back down and let the bother you.  You need to stand up for yourself and if need be, challenge the person to their face.  Don't let the shit that they have about you and anything they say bring you down.  Look at the source of the hate.  They have no real value to contribute.


My friend said her previous job, a similar situation happened with her coworkers because she was next in line for a promotion.  So instead, they smeared her and she didn't want to deal with it.  I reiterated what I said.


Image result for haters gonna hate


She understood and thanked me.  She said it meant a lot, and that she didn't open up about this stuff easily.  She had been traumatized in the past but she knows that she's sticking up for herself.  I gave her a big hug and we went to our cars.




A couple of weeks ago, it was discussed between JJ and I about roleplaying.  She said she didn't want to be in charge all the time.  I said that I could always be the Dom.  She said she would like that.  I tested the waters and I slapped my hand and hers interlaced.  I barely felt it.  She said it hurt a little bit.  I would use this pain-gauge to not go overboard.  I also reiterated to her multiple times what her safeword was.  She understood completely.  I trim my head and facial hair.  Put on some oil. Dress up.  I have a bag of toys to use, and I also buy a collar.  She had one for me so it's time for her to get one.  I get her a lipstick and a choker and a note.  I leave them in a bag on her door and text her that morning to check outside.  The note said to wear these things during the day as anticipation for the evening.  She did without question and took some selfies to prove it.


Related image


That evening, I tie her up and take my time.  I spank her, pull her hair, scratch her back, and I use this flimsy little paddle.  I count how many spanks I do in sets and I spread out where on the booty I'm spanking.  You don't want to hit the exact same spot over and over.  I purposely spread out the scratching, spanks, and the paddle all over the stomach, arms, and legs.  Afterwords, I got her off and I thought that was the end of it.  I told her that next week, she could be in charge again and we'll vary it up.  My roughness was about a 3 out of 10. Maybe 4.  My hand didn't even sting afterwards and I know when I do an 8, 9, or 10, my palm is bright red to match the booty slapping.  I went very light with her.


Well this week I slipped and fell on ice....twice.  I banged my right knee and my left knee.  I told JJ that I can't do anything stuff on my knees this weekend despite wanting to.  She understood.  Over the weekend, she starts scratching my chest and being all over me.  She's about to go down on me and the dog freaks out and starts barking.  I'm sorry but that's fucked up to have your dog in the bedroom with you.  It completely killed the mood.  I went to the bathroom, washed my hands, put my clothes back on, and then got back into bed to watch a movie.  JJ was silent. 


About 30 minutes later, I told her that I was sorry that I wasn't into it anymore.  Her dog freaking out over any sort of affection is a serious issue here.  I can't just lock up the dog in the crate, and I don't think *I* should be the one to discipline her dog, you know?  That should be something that JJ takes care of.  This isn't the first time the dog has been a problem.


After I admit being sorry, I ask if she wants to talk at all.  She asks what the point is, because I never say anything.  That's a lie: I just don't like repeating myself.  If we had a conversation once or twice, it seems pointless to keep having it (i.e. my ex and I arguments what never went anywhere).


She brought up how BDSM wasn't supposed to be all the time: it was a once-in-a-while thing.  That lead into me asking about me being in charge.  She started crying.  I have no idea what's going on.  She told me that I really really really hurt her and she was in a lot of pain.  What?  First off, I was going easy on her.  Second, she knows what to say to stop and she never did.  I brought both of those points up and she replied with how she didn't want to 'disappoint' me and 'deny' me of what I wanted to do.


What the fuck.  The whole point is to have fun for both sides of the exchange.  If one person is legitimately in a lot of pain and wants it to stop, you're supposed to fucking STOP.  I was so fucking angry with her over this.  I told her over and over about this.  I purposely prepared her for this.  I took the precautions.  I didn't use a ball gag.  I took my time.  I would ask her if she was ok every once in a while.  So what this means is that she's a fucking liar.  I don't care: I'm not dealing with a person that is too fucking weak to say if they are in serious pain.  That's a problem, and now I feel like a total asshole because I was the one that did it.  This isn't right or fair for EITHER of us.  Now I feel horrible that I actually hurt her and made her cry because of this.  What makes it worse is that she never said anything and just let it happen.  NO.


Look, the whole fucking point of BDSM is for it to be a playful power exchange that comes from two CONSENTING people.  BDSM requires honesty.  BDSM requires trust.  BDSM requires safety precautions.  All of this is thrown out the motherfucking window if one person just 'deals' with it to try and appease the other person.  She wasn't into in about an hour into the session.  So what does that mean?  That for an hour afterwards, she was just hoping it was all over with?  I want to make the person I'm with happy by messing around - not make them dread being with me.  How fucked up is that?




I've had problems with JJ for a long time as I've spoken of.  And this, to me, is a nail in the coffin.  I'm going to end things - it's just a matter of *when*.  She's too weak to dicipline her dog and let's her dog walk all over her and have spastic barking fits.  She's too weak to get a better job.  She's too weak to quit cigarettes.  She's too weak to lose weight.  She's too weak to speak up for herself when dealing with me.  She's too weak to make decisions on big and small things, like dinner, seasoning, or what she even wants in life.  She's just content with living in a crummy trailer with her dog, surrounded by old boxes of junk.  She can't even clean her place up.  She didn't take down her christmas tree yet.  Her life can be summed up as,


Image result for ehh fuck it



That's her attitude.  You can't have that attitude if you're going to be with me.  So while I never expected this to last, things have now shifted into a countdown of the months until this relationship is over.  Once I felt this way about Little, things ended roughly 3 months later.  I'm not dealing with a pushover.  I'm not dealing someone that is content.  I'm not dealing with mediocre, or 'ehh'.  I'm not going to EVER, and I mean EVER stay with a person that wants to live a half-assed life.


This weekend really soured me on the entirety of 'us'.  The only reason this turned physical is because after 6 months of knowing her, I asked if we were going to ever cuddle because it feels awkward for us to sit side by side and put a hand on a thigh.


I'm extremely frustrated over this.  She's not what I want and I don't know if I'll ever find that at this rate.  I still talk with *her*, the woman that I'm in love with; but our discussions are kind of slow.  I want to know more information about what's going on in her life and she seems to give short answers without any actual back-and-forth discussion.  I need more, goddamnit.


After kicking Little out of my life (she's texted me a couple times and I've only said 'eventually' about even talking to her again), and Angel moving, and now this bullshit with JJ, I'm getting quickly very fucking fed up with women.  She asked me before I left yesterday if, "We're cool".  I said that I'm ok.  The more I stew about this though, I'm not 'cool'  with this.  I'm genuinely hurt and disgusted that someone would let something like that happen to them.


Here's how it would work if the roles were reversed:  *smack* *smack* *smack* (Internal monologue: 'This seems like too much.') *smack* *smack* *smack* (A few more of this and I'm not really into it.) *smack* *smack* *smack*   --Safeword--


The thing is, when Little beat me with a devil's rod (think of  a riding whip/crop but it has a block of wood on the end), I didn't know what to expect and she shifted to doing other things.  She left big red welts on my ass, but also said that I was a 'Heavy bottom' because 'Every other guy started crying and begged me to stop about halfway into this.'  I could take it, so I took it.  And about 30 minutes later, I felt really good mentally.  I didn't feel scared or scarred or weak.  I felt enjoyment and I was interested on when this would happen again.  I was looking forward to a beating, not dreading it.


Regardless, I have a limit and it wasn't reached; but if it WAS reached and I hated what was happening, I would fucking stop it.  The Sub is the one that has the power because if they tell a Dom to stop, then the Dom has to stop.  Sometimes a Dom can get carried away so there needs to be communication.  Whenever JJ would be 'rough', it was like getting hit by a pillow.  A slight sting for 2 seconds and then it was fine.  I didn't even feel any residual pain.


My discussion with JJ amounted to her being painfully vanilla.  Everything about her is just...dull.  She's a good person, but I can't be with her much longer.  Her days are numbered.




I found out on Thursday that one of the residents has bedbugs.  I've looked up a ton of information on them, and to be honest - I'm horrified and don't want to go to my internship in about an hour.  I'm supposed to be hosting the big SuperBowl party tonight and all I can think of is how fucking ITCHY I am.  I bought some chicken wings and I needed to pick up some sauce and then I was going head to the residency.  I need to buy some rubbing alcohol to pour on my pants and shoes.  I'm hoping that detracts the bugs, but I'm seriously skeeved out at the thought of these fucking things.  I am also putting peppermint/spearmint oil mixed with a carrier oil in my hair and beard. I have a bottle of RAID BedBug version that I want to spray everywhere.  But it's a poison and I can't just bathe myself in it so I'm sort of fucked.  I was supposed to leave to go to the internship about an hour ago but I keep writing on here to hopefully convince myself to not go.  But I also know that the residents were all looking forward to this and I don't want to let them down.  I just need to take precautions. 


-I'm not sitting down

-I'm not leaving the kitchen

-I'm spraying mint and alcohol everywhere in my hair, car, clothes

-I'm staying for less then 2 hours

-I'm stripping naked outside in the doorway, throwing my clothes in the drier (90 minutes kills them), and taking a second shower

-I'm going to spray RAID near the doorway

-I'm leaving my sneakers outside


I don't know what else I can do besides not going.  The property manager is spraying just THAT apartment, despite other people having gone in the apartment and the entire house probably being infested.  It would be best to just burn the entire building down to be safe.


Bugs are basically my kryptonite.  I'm in a house with rapists, murderers, and schizophrenics, all by myself.  But bugs? FUCK THIS.  I need to face my fear and I'll be going.

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I dealt with a lot of what you describe when I was a caseworker for Child Protective Services. I called it institutionalized co-dependence. I actually had to call someone out in a meeting when she said "all men are scumbags." I was not supported for my actions. I was never a SW, nor did I have any SW degrees. In the healthcare setting pastoral care often buts heads with social work due to social workers not having good boundaries. Not all SW are that way, and you will certainly be an exception. I deal with plenty of effective, good social workers. But that academic cult mentality you spoke of is very real. I've seen the conservative evangelical version of it in certain seminaries (I didn't go to them, but they're out there). 


What people need to realize is, as Tolkien once wrote, "you can't change things by being shocked and sad."

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I find the academia/"real" world divide seems to exist other fields as well. Some professors are in touch with the outside world, but many are not. The fact that you are aware of this from an early stage in your career demonstrates to me that you are aware, astute, and off to a good start. Hopefully your discernment will help you pick out the useful and valuable bits of your classes. The whole shaming you in class because you were born a white dude seems inexcusable, though. :-/  


I'm sorry about JJ. That does sound maddening. I get the guilt because you didn't want to hurt her, but it is not your fault. 


And, yeah, bedbugs. Ew. It sounds like you have a good plan, though... 


Best of luck.

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Dude.  I mean just Dude.


   The School thing is crazy.  That attitude is one of the reasons I never went back to finish my degree.  After doing the job in the real world under horrific conditions, talking to instructors that had graduated from College, then became instructors and them telling me what the real world that I have worked in for 20+ years is like kinds grinds my gears.


   Good Luck man, I know it goes against the grain but if you have to keep your head down to power through, get the sheep skin and move on.


 As for JJ, Make sure you tell her what you wrote here.  It probably will not change anything between you two but it might.  It will however let you continue to be honest with her, and might show her that you expected more from her and she did in fact let you down.  It is not to make her feel bad but she might actually step up.  If you don't give her the opportunity to change with the new information you are not really following your own credo.


   Bed bugs are nasty.  I had to burn a complete suitcase with everything inside as well as the clothes I was wearing after I got a text from the hotel I was staying at told me they had confirmed bed bugs, Holiday in Kalamazoo Michigan 2015 btw.  I had a big brush pile I needed to burn down anyway, but I liked the stuff in that suitcase.


Thanks for the update always good to read and always inspirational.  Keep it up.







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