heidi Heidi Reflects: Blue Wolf

[Heidi]

 

January starts with the Wolf supermoon and ends with the Blue supermoon.

The end of the year holiday visiting and playtime have been wonderful, but now, taking a cue from the moons, it's time for some serious reflection.

I need to sit quietly and listen, to look behind me at the fractured path that was 2017, to lean into the feelings and find the insights as I prepare to walk forward.

 

I'm glad to have you along.

[DarK_RaideR]

Here!

[LittleTurtle]

I feel very drawn to the moon.  

 

I can't wait to see where your reflections take you.

 

Happy New Year.

 

 

[Vibrantella]

I noticed that there will be 2 Blue moons quite close this year, one in January and one in March.  

 

Reflections are essential to identifying the correct path ahead.  Good luck!

[Heidi]

Today I managed to forget to eat and then had an appointment before going to the gym, so I was in a serious fasted state (20+ hours) when I started swimming. Mostly I hadn't noticed, but then after about 100 yards, it got really difficult, and I wanted to give up after 200 yards, which is ridiculous. I kept at it and everything loosened up, and I completed the full 440. Then seven minutes in the steam room and ten minutes in the sauna.

 

By the way, it's cold here. My suit and gym bag were in the car all day and when I took them out, they were frozen stiff. I let them warm up in the sauna for a few minutes before I put them on.

 

Also, I apologize in the event that the president of my country starts a nuclear war with DPRK. 

Meditating on peace and forgiveness is all I can do.

[LittleTurtle]

I'm jealous!  I've been seriously considering a gym membership solely for a pool.  Swimming is my #1 preferred method of exercise! 

[Heidi]

I am in the sauna, after swimming 440 yards.

 

Yesterday's reflection: I have spent the better part of twenty years limiting my options for myself out of fear that Those Other People will say I'm a bad mother and take away my children.

 

It didn't work, of course. It just left me limited and looking like a scardy cat.

 

I'm done with that.

[Heidi]

Yowza.

Backstory: at the beginning of December, there was an incident in which my knees were injured badly and it was hard to walk for over a week.

 

Tonight: I leaned over to pick up my shoes after the sauna. That's it. I blew out my left knee completely. 

 

Worse, I left my swim suit / workout suit in the sauna. Going back now.

[LittleTurtle]

45 minutes ago, Heidi said:

Yowza.

Backstory: at the beginning of December, there was an incident in which my knees were injured badly and it was hard to walk for over a week.

 

Tonight: I leaned over to pick up my shoes after the sauna. That's it. I blew out my left knee completely. 

 

Worse, I left my swim suit / workout suit in the sauna. Going back now.

Oh noes!  Sending healing thoughts your way!  

[maegs]

5 hours ago, Heidi said:

Yowza.

Backstory: at the beginning of December, there was an incident in which my knees were injured badly and it was hard to walk for over a week.

 

Tonight: I leaned over to pick up my shoes after the sauna. That's it. I blew out my left knee completely. 

 

Worse, I left my swim suit / workout suit in the sauna. Going back now.

Oof, I hope your knee isn't too bad and heals quickly  

[DarK_RaideR]

Ouch... blew my knee too last year right about this time, can totally sympathize. Sending healing waves your way.

[Vibrantella]

Ouch!  I hope you feel better soon, but do give your body time to heal.

[Heidi]

14 hours ago, LittleTurtle said:

Oh noes!  Sending healing thoughts your way!  

 

10 hours ago, maegs said:

Oof, I hope your knee isn't too bad and heals quickly  

 

8 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Ouch... blew my knee too last year right about this time, can totally sympathize. Sending healing waves your way.

 

40 minutes ago, Vibrantella said:

Ouch!  I hope you feel better soon, but do give your body time to heal.

Thanks folks!

Paying attention and setting aside my internal ranger who wants to do Just One Little Thing, It Will Be Fiiiiiiiiine was super difficult but seems to have made all the difference. I let my man carry me to the jeep, up the stairs at home, and do everything. This is not easy for me!

I iced the knee and did nothing at all for the rest of the evening. It is much better today, but I know that I can't push it, still, so I'm sitting and doing a lot of desk work. Bonus: a job that i have been waiting on sent the applicaiton packet, so I spent the morning doing that. It is all in the hands of the gods, now. Fingers crossed.

 

Also, the capelet that I started knitting Vivian is going to take more yarn than I have, so I am setting it aside for now. I picked up a new solid-ish blue in the same yarn as the TrippyNeon that she chose and I'm starting the capelet again, with some tweaks that came from knitting the last round. If I can't DoAllTheThings, at least I can knit.

[Heidi]

Also, my submissions for the upcoming workshop are now turned in.

 

I just noticed that my bus leaves thirty minutes before the last workshop is over, so i emailed the director to ask how long the last workshop *actually* lasts.

[Gandalf]

Hi Heidi,

 

I'm following along! Thank you for you listing your levels in your signature as I was able to see the progression (that's refreshing as I don't seem to be able to do that). 

I'm resetting again at the start of this new year. 

 

I saw that you were going for your Master Black Belt Certification in April 2014, I'm going for my ASQ Black Belt Certification in May :).

[Heidi]

On 1/6/2018 at 10:12 AM, Gandalf said:

Hi Heidi,

 

I'm following along! Thank you for you listing your levels in your signature as I was able to see the progression (that's refreshing as I don't seem to be able to do that). 

I'm resetting again at the start of this new year. 

 

I saw that you were going for your Master Black Belt Certification in April 2014, I'm going for my ASQ Black Belt Certification in May :).

Hi Gandalf!!

I ended up walking away from the Black Belt and IT world and headed to philosophy for a Master's. Now I'm onto an MFA in creative writing. The process is magical.

 

I wish you luck and am looking forward to having you around.

[Heidi]

Reflection: my freak outs when programs don't have enough structure is rooted in needing others to validate my time as valuable. This is b.s. My time is valuable, and if other people don't have their stuff together, then that's their issue. I certainly don't have to be part of them not valuing *their own* time.

 

So last week was all about getting ready for the workshop, and visiting my partner's family for a late holiday gathering. This happened with some stress points, but all in all we handled it much better than ever before.

 

Snafus happened, and I rolled with them, leaning into and breathing through the chaos. It didn't make it any less chaotic, but it increased my peace of mind markedly.

 

I'm at the workshop, and everything went well at check in. I'm in a deep state of acceptance about the rest of the week - food and money and social expectations all sent me into a tizzy on Thursday and Friday, but at the gym on Saturday I found peace, an understanding that nothing was perfect and it would all likely be very uncomfortable, and that was ok. I am not in any way worried that I won't be able to do what I am expected to do this week.

 

I'm less certain of what I will find when I get home, but I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it.

 

 

[Heidi]

Good morning, Nerds.

"Speaking your truth is the most powerful tool that we all have."

--Oprah Winfrey January 7, 2018

 

[Gandalf]

11 hours ago, Heidi said:

Hi Gandalf!!

I ended up walking away from the Black Belt and IT world and headed to philosophy for a Master's. Now I'm onto an MFA in creative writing. The process is magical.

 

I wish you luck and am looking forward to having you around.

That is amazing! Philosophy was the university path I wanted to pursue, however after being talked into engineering course I dropped out.

I’m attempting to approach the Black Belt in a manner that is more at the root of what discipline of the Japanese lean masters at the time did. 

[Heidi]

Good morning.

If you haven't seen The Shape of Water yet, you should fix that.

 

Day 3/7 of the Workshop. So far it's going well. We are critiquing one of my pieces today, so I'm a little anxious, but with enough ginger tea, all will be fine. 

 

The cold front gave a final round of ice, and schools are closed again today, with traffic befuddled throughout the neighborhood at home. All will be well enough by noon, when it's projected to hit 50 degrees.

 

Be good to yourself and to others today, Nerds.

[LittleTurtle]

12 hours ago, Heidi said:

The cold front gave a final round of ice, and schools are closed again today, with traffic befuddled throughout the neighborhood at home. All will be well enough by noon, when it's projected to hit 50 degrees.

Stay warm!!  

[RedStone]

On 1/7/2018 at 10:31 PM, Heidi said:

Reflection: my freak outs when programs don't have enough structure is rooted in needing others to validate my time as valuable. This is b.s. My time is valuable, and if other people don't have their stuff together, then that's their issue. I certainly don't have to be part of them not valuing *their own* time.

 

So much <3 I find myself having to remind myself this every so often... it's easy to forget, but wonderful to come back to  

[Vibrantella]

On ‎08‎/‎01‎/‎2018 at 3:31 AM, Heidi said:

I found peace, an understanding that nothing was perfect and it would all likely be very uncomfortable, and that was ok.

Hm, my understanding stops at  "and that is OK".  It's not OK, if I don't know why! (For me, obv.) Why????  Why this?  Why me?  I hope I'll reach your level some day....

[DarK_RaideR]

Still here and waiting for a Heidi update. Hope all is well.

[Heidi]

On 1/18/2018 at 7:51 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

Still here and waiting for a Heidi update. Hope all is well.

Wow, you're so right.

Grab some tea; It's been a heck of a week and a half.

 

Sine the post on Wednesday morning of the conference, my life has felt as though it's in a blender.

The instructor for the workshop I was in was horrifically critical -- not constructive -- of the other authors we were discussing that morning. By the time we got to mine, I was spent emotionally from feeling as though I had been in battle, and I think the others were too. Some of the things we heard were so wrong and insulting that they might be actionable in terms of repressive statements. I stopped, breathed, and backed down, the last of my group to do so. None of us was happy; this had ceased being a workshop. I decided, in the spirit of the year, to stop and reflect before acting.

 

I went to the all-program dinner out at a local craft brewery, which was way past my bed time, but seemed the thing to do to put the day behind me. I think it worked, mostly, just for the sheer fact of doing something different. At the gathering I was able to pick up the work for the new group that I would be critiquing the next day.  I was exhausted when I got to the hotel at 9, and a hot bath and some new material were just what I needed.

 

The next morning, Thursday, I spoke briefly with another group member, and decided to write to the program director. He wrote back quickly, thanking me for my trust and assuring me my concerns would be addressed. I felt relieved, and went on to the library. Imagine my shock and dismay when I received a note from the instructor a couple hours later, outlining how I had misunderstood and how she looked forward to correcting my opinion of her, and with a few other explanations along the way.

 

Flat out: This was wrong, wrong, wrong.

I wrote the director and told him I had received an explanation and didn't feel that my concerns had been taken seriously. I then mentally started packing to leave the workshop and the program. It was a release, actually, once the shock and hurt and feeling of betrayal passed. As I packed up my bag in the library to catch the next shuttle to the hotel, my phone rang; it was the Director, asking to put me in a different group altogether. I took a deep breath. I thought about the prospect as I released it.

 

I agreed.

I didn't feel great about it, but I could live with it, and that was enough.

 

The new workshop instructor is amazing, and I am really blown away. She is wonderful enough that it almost undoes the fact that the director told the previous instructor that she should contact me. I'm loving the feedback and the insight to help nurture my work, which is what the program is all about for me. I am writing and reading and reading about writing, and that's a solid win in any book. 

 

I'm still eyeing the mailbox for a decision from the residential program here in town, a prestigious one, and ranked in the top five for my field (creative non-fiction. Think David Foster Wallace and Joan Didion and Leslie Jamison's The Empathy Exams). Right now I'm reading so much I barely have time to write, which I really need to get around to, since my next submission is due the 25th.

 

I was able to breathe and enjoy the last two days of workshop, catching the bus home in the afternoon. While my new governor was being sworn in and delivering a speech about a new era of inclusiveness and respect, the man across the aisle from me was waxing forth about Odinism. I continued knitting, keeping my mouth shut, knowing full well that Odinism has been co-opted by White Supremacy in the United States, and they are now cover for a hate group. About thirty minutes into this, a young black woman with a tiny baby got on. The man across the aisle didn't lose a beat and kept yammering on, displaying his swastika tattoo. I asked the young lady where she was from and where she was going. We were heading to the same place, with a six hour layover scheduled at the next stop. I offered to share my ride when we got there. I held her baby while she went to the bathroom. Mostly, we ignored the idiot on the bus.

 

It was good to be home, but I found it difficult to settle in. I kept waiting to find out what had fallen apart while I was away. Meeting on Sunday with the Friends helped, as always, and there was a wicked cold front that brought some unexpected snow through. Vivian's dad wouldn't let me see Vivian for any of the days off or even let me know what she was doing. 

 

Wednesday night Vivian's dad's combative attitude reached a new level. Vivian got upset and confused about the timing of her pickup on Thursday, and she started to cry. David took the phone away and started talking condescendingly to me, accusing me of reducing her to tears, and refusing to let me speak to her.

 

Wednesday afternoon I got the notification in the mail that the Guardian ad Litem that has been advocating for me not to be in Vivian's life has been assigned to the case where Vivian's dad is petitioning for sole custody of Graeme, whose case is to be heard on the 23rd (tomorrow). I retooled my life to accommodate the afternoon hearing.

 

On Thursday, after saying all morning that I should pick her up at the regularly scheduled time and return her in the evening as normal, he switched gears less than two hours before pickup and said I couldn't see her because I had upset her and because I had gone out of town. He's a jerk; those aren't reasons for anything other than a nice conversation between adults to see if we can be supportive of Vivian.

 

He refused to let me talk with her on the phone.

 

He refused to let me pick her up the next day, Friday, for scheduled visitation for the weekend.

 

He refused to let me talk to her on the phone on Friday, on Saturday, and on Sunday.

 

It's demoralizing.

 

Fortunately, Friday morning I had therapy. When she asked me how the conference was, I burst into laughter -- that felt so long ago at this point. We talked quickly and covered a lot of ground, as we always do. She remains an important member of my personal Jedi Counsel. By the time I left, I was on more solid footing emotionally, and it's good to have someone to whom I can say, "I feel  like I'm losing my mind!!!" and who can say back, "That's a pretty rational response to all this. The good news is: you're not losing your mind. I would know."

 

On Friday evening I attended the opening of the Roanoke Regional Writer's Conference, and had a great time on Saturday meeting other authors, talking about the craft and the business, and catching up with friendly faces, including my old friend Mike Allen. Since his panel was one of the final panels of the day, I was able to wait around and talk shop with him afterward, and it was good to catch up and to bounce a couple ideas off him. Also, his Advice to My Younger Self is a list that I'm going to print out and post my desk. It's not only good, and entertaining; it was the best part of the workshop. 

 

I also got to meet Lizetta Staplefoote, and she is a high-energy, highly energizing content writer. I'm looking forward to learning more from her, and we talked briefly after her panel, exchanging contact information and looking forward to more.

 

By the time I got home on Saturday evening, I felt restored as a writer and on more easy footing as a person and as a mother. Despite all the crap that is being thrown at me, I was able to simply have a long hot bath, cry, and watch some television with my partner. This sense of balance *during* the storm is huge, period. I'm not certain what I will title this little chapter when I look back on it in a year, but I know that it will stand out.

 

Meeting with Friends was, again, lovely. I was super low energy, and we went home shortly after rise of Meeting, but it remains a wonderful spot in my week, a homecoming of sorts. We spent some time at home cooking and then got fresh cannoli, and went to sleep.

 

I have plenty to do for the week.

Monday: Call Vivian's teacher. Visit Vivian's therapist's office for contact and list of appointments. Write all the pages for the submission. Contact Lizetta for technical writing resume and work.

Tuesday: Sign the legal complaint in the morning if possible. Court at 2. Chanting at 7.

Wednesday: Lunch with a friend. Court for Graeme. Spiritual Formation Large Group potluck and discussion at 6.

Thursday: Submission due to MFA Group. Visitation and violin lesson with Vivian. Literary Magazine pieces assigned for review and editing (Round One).

Friday: Visit Vivian's teacher. Begin readings for critiques. Begin readings for Round One.

 

Here's a throwback moment to help keep you smiling: