Lis tries again

[Lisiera]

(note - I randomly signed in to my 750words account and had no idea what to write, so this is what happened. From there, I decided that I'm keeping a diary and will turn it into a daily log here.)

 

I'm feeling kind of lost and confused, so I'm going to write to help myself figure it out. 

 

What do I want?

 

I want to be healthier. I want to lose weight. I want to be strong. I want to look and feel sexy. I want to be better than I am.

 

I feel like a lump right now. Kind of meaningless. That sounds super depressing. I don't think I'm depressed? I'm not sad. I'm pretty happy, actually. I think I'm in a good place in my life overall. I have a great job, good friends. Just stuck. Like I'm in a wide open field and could go in a lot of directions, and I'm being really indecisive about which one to chose. I don't think I've ever been good with too many choices. I need a to make a plan, or plans, and stick to them. 

 

So let's start that. 

 

What did I want? To be healthier. Very broad and lots of ways to do that. Everything that follows that pretty much pertains to being healthy. Let's break it down into categories that I can break down even further.

 

Food.
Exercise.
Mental.
Hygiene.
Beauty.

 

I'm going to include beauty in there because I want to. 

 

Food.
Let's be honest - I've been eating like shit lately. Christmas and New Years have come and gone. I've been eating what's convenient, what's easy, what's tasty... and to be honest, none of it's been particularly healthy. Nor nutritious nor good. At some point, for a brief period of time, I adopted the idea that "food is fuel" - food is meant to just power my body and help it do incredible things. That didn't last too long. I do need to change that. 

 

I am worried about about food. After really starting my migraine meds, it had decreased my appetite so much that I was barely eating, and I needed to force myself to eat. I didn't like that. I'm starting back up on them again, and I'm afraid. But maybe I can use the lack of hunger as an opportunity to get back into the "food is fuel" thinking. Without hunger overriding my brain, I can purposely make beneficial and healthy choices. 

 

I want to look into to whole foods and less processed crap. I think strictly limiting myself will send me on a dark path, but if I take my inspiration from Whole30 and Paleo plans, I can learn good and healthy habits.

 

I'm going to ask my NF ladies for recommendations on blogs or how-to books for healthy and whole eating. No scare tactic books. None of that Netflix drama documentary series crap. I'm not interested in the scare tactics of it all. I need to start reading ingredient labels and understanding everything as well. 

 

Exercise.
I gotta become more active. I have become a lump. I sit on my butt from the moment I get home until I go to bed. I sleep until the last possible moment in the mornings. I work a pretty sedentary job anyway. I don't want to be a lump. I want to be a badass!

 

Planks and Darebee's Hero's Journey. When I was doing planks every day, it was pretty easy to see my improvement. And that was really inspiring. It was great to challenge myself to hold it for just 5 more seconds, just to beat yesterday's record. And my core is my weakest area by far. Not that I'm super strong anywhere anyway, but I'm definitely lacking in the core. So, planks! 

 

And I successfully did two whole days of Hero's Journey before... but I saw other people's progress and journeys and it seemed really interesting. So I'm going to do that. I'm going to challenge myself to complete it. I can do it. I believe in myself. And when I do, I will get myself an awesome tank top. 

 

Mental.
I need to figure out what's best for my mental health. First I need to figure out what's lacking. I don't have a straight answer for this yet, and that's okay. I think this is the sort of glue that holds everything together, and once I start taking better care of myself in specific areas (like above), I'll automatically strengthen my mental health too. Or I'll need to work on in separately as well. I don't know. Part of this will be keeping this kind of diary/blog thing. A way to track my progress in life. 

 

Hygiene.
I feel like using the word 'hygiene' as a goal implies that I'm dirty...? But meh. Since coming off birth control, my skin has been like "oh hey, acne is great, let's do this all the time!" I guess I either developed not so fantastic face washing habits because I didn't particularly need them and now I do, or I'm shit out of luck in the hormone department anyway and this will all be futile, but hey lets try it anyway. 

 

Beauty.
This also feels like a dirty word. But I feel like I haven't put my best foot forward lately when it comes to making myself look awesome. I want to spruce up my wardrobe. I want to learn how to style my hair better. I want to do my makeup regularly. I feel kind of stale, and I want to feel fresh. 

 

So I broke all this down during the course of the day. While working, I kept coming back to this and adding ideas. I took a few things out here and there, but I mostly added. I also went back and started planning what I'm going to be doing in the food and exercise sections. I ordered a kick ass notebook to be tracking my exercise journey and that should be arriving next week. But I'm going to be starting tomorrow. In rereading what I've written so far, I recognize that this has started out fairly depressing sounding, but it eventually took on, or at least I hope it took on, an air or hopefulness. Because I feel more hopeful. I feel like I have a plan. At least an idea of where to start. And that's exciting! 

 

Tonight I am going to clean out my fridge. I'm going to make a meal plan of what I'll be eating for the rest of the week, including lunches. I'm going to pack my gym bag and make sure my headphones are charged. I'm going to head to the gym tomorrow morning and WORK OUT AND CRUSH IT. And if I can't crush it, at least I'm going to do my absolute best.