Bouncer Wakes her Inner Goddess

[Loveable_Bouncer]

A fresh new battle log to start off a new year (and finally have a new keyboard!)

I've fully accepted now my ability to organize needs to level up. Going to allow myself some freedom and letting go of past posts, and going to keep my posts here. I will joining the challenge threads, but I know now true fully I need to keep my own structure of challenge days for making it easier to follow through.

 

Along with keeping the battle log on my signature and being active in the forums again, so I do get to chat with new people.

Since there is a reason why I keep coming back here after all. I love the people here... And am surprised by how people in the real world don't always have the "happier life goals".

So following in the idea that what I've been calling my heart, is really my inner goddess trying to make my dreams a reality.

 

Speaking of goals, I realized after having some thinking time of "what is my 'personal philosophy?'"

A lot of it came back to finding my joys and following my hearts (especially when I realized there is still quite a bit in my life that doesn't give me joy, but unhealthy habits to give me comfort during my less joyful times). So hoping to take steps toward a life that I can barely dream of. Taking steps in my career toward my fears, and let's spread that to other areas of my life.

School Goals - For the next 14 weeks (daily/weekly tracking, and adjusting on where I'm needed):

Extra time out of class - Starting this week, I'm starting the goal of working on school stuff for a goal of 25 hours each week outside of class! All my classes have large projects, and 2 out of 3 are starting off with large amounts of reading for the projects. Most of these projects are group based, which means I need to keep my end of the work. This is an intro to my career choice I'm finding, so time to face my fears that I have all over the place. (Reward: 25 cents per an hour finished)

Following Through- On top of the work, last year I had a class where I nearly failed because I wasn't turning anything in... (I have an all or nothing mentality where a portion of the time I just give up). So working on rewiring  my brain and showing the end results,  hoping this will ripple effect into the rest of my life. (Reward: $300 on anything I desire, Penalty: Will donate to an organization that I'm not a fan toward their mission... Am open to ideas for this one.)

Health/Spirituality Goal - 1 week at a time here... (Am trying to figure out what is going to work out in my life):

Daily Tarot - Spiritual side, doing a tarot has me sitting down and getting out of my head a bit every night before bed. Has been helping with mindfulness techniques, and times for being thankful (3 months 90% Successful - Reward: A tarot deck or something similar for spiritual side).

Collecting Underpants- So with school, a new job, and -25 degrees F windchill coming out every few days I'm trying to figure out how to add exercise that I enjoy back into my routine. Walking somewhere was my go to, but with the weather some days I need an alternative.

 

 

Life Goals:

Urge surfing- From buying stuff and eating stuff that makes me feel good. I've found both for my waist size and my wallet, stepping back and allowing "extras" stuff to be  a short term reward. Allowing myself to buy a higher quality item once, instead of crappy stuff every day. Will be taking daily note on any encounters, and/or goals for the longer rewards.

Self-Love - Kind of collecting underpants here, but realized with trying to find a social life I had many changes but could barely handle my negative thinking afterwards. Over winter break I realized how nasty I'm to myself sometimes (and wouldn't allow anyone else to do to me). Along with how many times I go to escapes for "taking care of myself." If I can barely handle being in my own skin some-days.Starting off by daily sharing a week's worth of daily assignments from Uncustomary.org (a blog I just found and haven't tried too much out because of not accountability).

Cutting the Nonsense out: I'm someone that walks away from negative people in my life, so why do I go on facebook? Yeah need to cut it out, especially since I get notifications about groups on my phone for updates on events and stuff (and really do I want to be part of a group of people that can't take the time to email it out, then just facebook). Cutting out Netflix... So many hours. Now and then I tend to fall in a binge, but like sugary treats its not something I want to depend on getting through hard times.

Art Maker: A four week course of finding an artistic outlet that I'm trying to figure out. Will be doing writing or actual art projects depending on how I feel or have time for. Creatively I've been feeling kind of stuck, since I realized during NaNoWriMo I can barely wrap my head around writing healthy relationships. Something is off. Will share what I come up with.

 

NF goals:

Daily Posts- Really the only way I've found joy in my life is daily posting stuff, next to be a tad bit more accountability. 

Friends: Posting on someone else's thread daily, would lead me to following at least a few people.

 

 

 

Oofda... Just having a lot in my head. There was a point where I couldn't think of any. And then realized all my goals. Color coated while I did it too. Thank god for days off else I wouldn't have been able to do this today.

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Damn looking at all my goals right now.... I'm some crazy person, more than once in my head I thought "I'm not doing enough?" More like a perspective change.

One thing I've been noticing about myself- following my heart's joy takes me to many good places- especially outside of my comfort zone. While my head makes me question everything that is going good, just a tad exhausting.

 

Week 1 - Day 1 (Jan. 15)

Extra time out of class - Did just over 2 hours of homework yesterday. Remembered late last night I also have a ton of work homework I need to get through, and yesterday I was burned out (mainly was happy I had interest in what I was reading on Wilderness Recreation Policy and Pollination).

Following Through- No schoolwork turned in. Was a day off from the world a bit, since it was a holiday. 

 

Daily Tarot - Did a quickie one, did a Cat Spirit Oracle that guided me to remind myself on being grateful (how I start my evening journals). It however did remind me, remembering what I'm grateful for will open myself to receive more good from the world.

Collecting Underpants- Didn't figure anything out yet..

 

Urge surfing- The cravings and the impulses are every where.... I've been craving cornflakes for some odd reason (so put that on the list for buying on Sunday if I'm craving). so many different wants that I want to buy are coming out, and I saved or wrote down. A lot of reminders on how I want to save up for a bike, some better clothing items/gear for my daily adventures. No less wanting to save up for a car sooner than later....

Self-Love -  Forgot this one... But got a message from several areas to be love who I am with all my faults. Found some other sources on what goals to look at. But it all came back to stop filling life with extra crud, take care of yourself, and love who you are (which for me is difficult some days when I can't keep up with what I want to be able to do).

Cutting the Nonsense out: Netflix is cut out right now fully. Facebook I need to block also on my other browser I don't have it blocked... Youtube is kind of getting weird on what is "crap", I don't get lost in an unloving vortex. But try to find some inspirational stuff... However that is still questionable.

Art Maker: In a 24 hour period I was shocked that the "Fox" is guiding me on making something passionate and sun themed. I'm questioning on making a graphic art for a new avatar, taking pictures, or just writing a small story. At least have the theme figured out and am sharing this on Instagram to join the community on it.

 

Daily Posts- Did it yesterday!

Friends: Didn't get to it, but will have made up for it.

 

 

Be careful for what you wish for.... I can tell even with being burned out lately from working 50 hours last week(Not going to allow that to happen again.... Only if I get to work outdoors will I allow this many hours).

Overall the switch of jobs, and starting with school is helping make a positive ripple to my life again. The group home job is going better than I hoped. Messed up a bit, but breathing through it. I'm a newbie, and am shocked on what I've been able to do. A job where I get more time to practice on being easy on myself (while this job is just happy to have a pair of willing hands), along with enjoying the social aspects of the job (the reason why I decided to apply to the job). Will be intrigued on what parts of the job end up being annoying, but now its just bright and shining.

 

Class stuff sharing (if you wish to read/or curious). The Semester of me learning how to complete group projects in a long period of time, while also having a semester all in the same department for once in my life.

I'm in 3 classes this semester (which is the first since I had been sticking with 2). To me this is playing life, with now 20 hours a week of work is playing life in Expert Mode (instead of the normal mode I played last semester and completed with flying colors).

-Recreation Leadership - Learn the broken down process of programing and the main terms that will be known no matter what I get into. Will have 3 chances to practice leading 5-7 minute game/activity to a group of classmates. While also working on a group project to make an hour long program activity, that we have an overall theme with. Is a basic requirement for my major, while also a class where I get to know a professor on their teaching style.

 

-Public Lands Policy- This is the class that I was warned would be boring when I was first looking into the major, but had to laugh because this topic is the reason why I'm looking into Resource Management within Rec and Park. I'm intrigued on the motivation on protecting our Parks and such, along with the policies on how they are taken care of. This is an upper level class, where the professor is hoping to be "academic" on learning theory but also getting hands on. "Full Circle" when I realized that with the class I will be going to two sites that I've worked at the museums in the last few years...

 

-Pollinators and Native Landscapes (Independent Study)- this is the biggie class I've been excited for MONTHS. Slogan for this is "make park" (a rare moment for anyone now a days). Making a pollination garden proposal for a nearby state park, to give to the MNDNR. This is a resume worthy class that will help give me an idea what it can be to work in class. I will be rubbing elbows with five other classmates on writing this proposal this semester. To hopefully have my name on a published piece of item. Professor made sure now matter what may have with the DNR, us as a group would have a finished project. \

 

 

 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Week 1 - Day 2 (Jan. 16)

Extra time out of class - Just over an hour of work yesterday, noticing how bad my transition to school work is.... However, sitting and reading a book on policy while waiting or on bus is possible, even with my thick gloves one (half that was my study time).

Following Through- No classes, but I finally did get to a committee meeting on getting an adventurer program/facility into the University. When asked I shared my thoughts, and kind of went on a small tangent. I got my point across and for sure they know I'm passionate about helping get it going while I'm at school... It had taken me a semester to finally show up to a meeting, but I finally got there.

 

Daily Tarot - I chose to stay up late than doing a simple journal and card, my resistance is going up (probably since this is the one thing I can control).

Collecting Underpants- Nada.

 

Urge surfing- Somethings reminded me of what the bigger budget goal is. Such as being able to buy tools to enjoy the outdoors better, or clothing to make it more comfertable to work out.

Self-Love -  Didn't touch the uncustomary love thing... However, I did accept doing a body scan meditation (flippin 45 mins long) with one of my professionals. Was able to actually go to the committee meeting after this, because I felt quite a bit better. I ended up dozing off I think a few times, or getting lost in thought that became dreams, I noticed though how I was still doing a bit of what was being suggested on the CD. I know I prefer listening to a guided meditation, and I do see quick results when I do them. However, I rarely do them on my own unless I'm dead tired and having issue with sleep. It had me thinking on looking up self-love meditations that may be around on youtube.

Cutting the Nonsense out: Oh Facebook...... it's interesting on what I end up finding myself doing. However, I did

Art Maker: I'm a little stuck on what I can do, but know if I can't think of anything I will take time during the weekend. Just an hour or two, will doodle if I have to.

 

Daily Posts- Check. 

Friends: Two posts... Fought some anxiety with some of the writing, since there is so much I want to say but can only get down on to my replies. I know my replies are respected ,and I will get better over time. Just wish I was a bit more "fluent" when it came to writing what I thought.

 

 

I'm noticing I need to add more routine to my life. Thinking of trying to add cuing or rewards. For getting ready in the morning my routine is running the clock because of either sleeping in or not managing my time well. But my cuing on getting ready is blasting youtube...

My go to morning song:  (or go to song... that I've been playing almost daily since Thanksgiving....)

 

The evening... Waiting till the last minute on getting stuff done. Then throwing myself into bed. I need a bit of a desire for routine or figure out what is working. Because what I'm doing isn't working. Trying to be easy on myself since my schedule has done a bit of a 180... Going to take time. The morning routine I know I have down pat, no screens except youtube in the morning (usually on phone). I can get ready in under 30 mins from bed to door if I have food premade (which would be nice to work on). Sleeping in is realistically the method to go by, since some nights I will barely hit the needed sleep margin of 8 hours (the one thing I know my body has down is 8 hours of sleep) from work to school/appointments in the morning.

The evening though goals:

-have bags ready for tomorow

-breakfast/snacks/meals if needed depending on schedule tomorrow

-have easy transition to tarot

 

During the day:

Need cuing to work on schoolwork.... (Getting myself to the library has been like pulling teeth this semester... I think I went there once... Partly due to not having food made to eat while working on stuff (or when I realize I'm starving by the time I get to school.... Even though I live 15 mins away- and that's a walk on a bad weather day). Ironically, there's a few things I can only do a the library. There is so much excitement for my classes, and I enjoy reading just transition to get stuff done though.... Idk if anyone has advice for a resistance personality when it comes to structure.

 

Overall goal for this structure- make life easier and mentally less exhausting to work on stuff.

Resisitance- "you can't hold me to such standards, I will just rebel and binge Facebook if you tie me down."

A middle ground...Which every day changes.

Monday was able to do the Pomodor technique pretty well- able to work on cleaning some stuff on the 5 mins breaks or easily able to refresh myself with food and drinks.

Tuesday pulling teeth to get started, I ended up doing a 5 mins working/5 mins something fun (which right now is these forums or reading my preferred smut).

Today exhausted from 12 hour day of stuff, read on the bus but only gets so far. Annoyly having issues with making myself food when I get home... (because all I want is cornflakes). My resistance is growing and I'm just tired I giues...

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Week 1 - Day 3 (Jan. 17)

Extra time out of class - 20 minutes ish.... It was a LONG day, and my focus was on NerdFitness not on school work.

Following Through- Nothing with school work. Actually forgot to send out a thingy to figure out a schedule that works for one of my groups last night (an idea I need to use a planner once again or something for organization).

 

Daily Tarot - Another night skipped, can confirm resistance has climbed.

Collecting Underpants- Goal write now is just to track, when I do walk and how much. I am walking to school at least 4 days a week. I will be able to walk to and from work (3.5 miles) on non school days for sure if weather is warm. I want to get out of the house if I have time when its warm! So going to change to "walking status". After 4 weeks I'll be adding in "stretching" - should be long enough to figure out where to put it in the ritual.

 

Urge surfing- It could have been worst.... Didn't have anything pre-made for on the go. Breakfast I bought an expensive granola bar from the vending machine, and for lunch I bought an ok $5 turkey burger. Supper was Tater Tot Hotdish I got from work (perk of job, free food). I was then snacking on plain peanut butter, while giving a glazed look at everything else in my fridge.... Wasn't a good day, but had an "ahah" moment on needing to add some "routine" to make my life a little better.

Self-Love - Yeah did nothing here... I'm taking it off, because it isn't something I really want to do extra, and instead change it with making a routine.

Cutting the Nonsense out: Not only Facebook, but Minecraft has popped up for an escape now.... Ah jeesh.

Art Maker: I'm questioning this one, which leads me to work on "art" being writing. After all these years I still want to be an author for some damn reason. Making the theme of the month "strength of female character" or something of the like.

 

Daily Posts- Check. 

Friends: 1 post! Check.

 

 

Decided I'm going to make my templates for the day of the evening I make them. Especially when I figured out with my routine. It's far more fun for me to to log in before bed, then while study time in my few mornings.

Week 1 - Day 4 (Jan. 18)

Extra time out of class - So far have nothing... Had 4 hours of class, so that didn't help. But in reality, I'm getting behind. But I had my worst week last week schedule wise, so I'm just rolling with it.

Following Through-  Having some assignments popping up... Putting time into making a calendar just for my classes stuff (and maybe clubs?)  Mainly to get a better idea when everything is by glancing, and then going to figure out a sheet to write down my amount of study daily. All this juggling in my head is not helping the fatigue. Working on keeping the anxiety down of "why are you wasting time with this?" issue. Because, if I have the entire calendar done less trying to sort through my own head... I've already gotten to a point of just looking for classrooms with familiar faces for a class (I know which building and floor, just have no idea which number).

 

Daily Tarot - N/A - I found on Instagram a 30 day course for daily prompts. I'm 18 days behind but figured if I wrote everything down and put it in my spiritual area perhaps I'll find some space for myself.

Walking Situation- (going to make a tracker to print for semester) - Only a small bit of walking, to get to class (it was sunny! So good!). Didn't walk much more due to having to run errands and then figure out school work.... (And fatigued from my bit of walking from yesterday.

 

Urge surfing- I had made an interesting oatmeal thing that stuck to my ribs (lasted two meals). Bought frozen chicken, milk and corn flakes.... Figured when I went grocery shopping, it technically could be seen as a "grocery food"... Questioning on a treat though after having a burger yesterday.

Cutting the Nonsense out: Oh Facebook...... Was able to redirect myself a bit today, but am again mentally worn out. That battle with my will power...

Art Maker: An hour a day this weekend, I'm planning now for just writing (don't have 4the words right now due to just having a lot of stuff on my plate.)

 

Daily Posts- Check. 

Friends: And posted easily today. Enjoying it more today, not so much dependent on conversation. But sharing of news. I know it helped having more conversations in the past 24 hours.

 

Today was interesting by reinforcement via my professors. I really did find my little positive area in school.

Public Lands professor I realize is going to be networking resource when it comes to needing help with school or getting paid experience. Was the first person when I brought up, I was looking for work in Mankato and felt stuck- she had answers. And that was after she told me she would like me to help present if needed, with connections to the two places we're going to that have museums. (Pretty much confirmation of, yes I'm jumping around with my classes. But I'm doing it in a way so I can take advantage of this major I'm in. Especially to use my strengths involved with it).

While my advisor gave extra reinforcement to my independent study, on his belief he helped get a great group of students together. Other words a motivation speech of "yes you have weaknesses, but I know you have strengths for this project- that's why you are here.".

 

I'm mainly sharing to remind myself, in these dark times when I'm doing homework and feel like I'm getting nowhere. I'm still learning on how to figure this all out. But I'm not alone or stuck at the same time.

 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

And I'm already overwhelmed with the template. Haven't been on here all weekend due to being overwhelmed with my life. Being burnt out. Just want to lay down and give up in some ways. While in others... Yeah no got to keep moving.

 

So many parts of my life are like "keeping going though, its a mental game at this point, you can get through it." As every has been in the last year, it seems impossible. Feeling like I have to deal with agonizing pain while trying to get up.

So other words I'm slimming down my goals where I can find them....

 

Week 1 - Day 5-7 (Jan. 18-21)

Extra time out of class - Ugh this has been painful. But in the end I did get nearly six hours in! Which is saying something for how bad my resisitance has been

Following Through- On Thursday it was just turning in a form and contact info. Else rest of the week was nothing for classes. Haven't finsihed any homework though yet, along with work used to look better.

 

Daily Tarot - Changing my goals did help here, been doing it nightly when following the daily challenge to start off the new year. Has helped me see life a tad differently.

Move it- Friday and Saturday I didn't do much extra walking. On Friday was getting through my last full work day, and ended up learning how to take a resident to an appointment with the van. So new physical movements.

 

Urge surfing- It was hard some days, but haven't done any extra shopping except actual grocery shopping. Which was mega hard on Friday when getting through a rough workday without sugar, and just being fried. But this is where I post my goal of no sugar during my job- I don't want to be dependent on sugar. .

Being Mindful- Ended up loosening the extra. I'm finding I'm finding fun stuff in my daily life. Along with how much my "extras" are actually helping me get through my work day also.... As I learned through DBT, a big part is accepting the emotion. Not trying to change it or ignore it. But work through it. My anger had gone up a few times, but every time I didn't listen to the impulse to fight back what was making me angry. Except I breathed, and tried to figure out if there was any needs.

Right now I figured out I'm turning to Minecraft to help me get through school work, because it is the same brain process of organization. However, not having to worry about following a deadline or making something fun- or just enjoying what I'm doing.

 

Daily Posts- ...Yeah not so good getting back on slowly.

Friends: Huh...  Right after I saw positive response I fell off the wagon.... TIme to get back on starting tomorrow.

 

 

Well here in Minnesota we're having the massive blizzard coming through. School is canceled for the first time for me since I started back at school. So no class int he morning... Will however, have to get to work for a few hours. Upside it maybe warm so I can get my walk in, and since I'm done with my old job I don't have to go to work on Tuesday, and I don't have classes on that day. So Monday isn't as tiring as it used to be! Kind of happy with this arrangement I made for myself at the moment.