Emerald_Dragonfly takes her broken wings and learns to fly

[Emerald_Dragonfly]

Nerds.  I'm kind of broken.  Not physically, but, well...it's been a tough six months.  I'll spoiler it because it's a lot; feel free to gloss over the spoiler.  Tl; dr is going to be "dang, that sucked, time to get your ess together." 

 

The following timeline is not well-written.  It's disjointed and clunky.  Deal with it. 

 

I got a kinda-sorta promotion at work in August and fell off the forum boards as I was adjusting to the new work load.  My last serious workout was in September. 

 

We are trying to sell our condo in Colorado, and have had two contracts fall through.  It went back on the market today. 

 

In September, my grandmother, with whom I was close, passed away.  She was 93 and had lived an amazingly full life, but it still sucked. 

 

Two weeks later, my father had a stroke while being transported to medical rehab after a stay in the hospital for an amputation.  He was making meaningful and speedy progress in recovery when he had a second stroke (coumadin failure, pretty rare).  He deteriorated pretty steadily after that, and passed away two days before Christmas.  He suffered from what they were calling "sundown syndrome" which meant that even with the symptoms from the stroke, his personality was fine/normal (he was a pretty jovial, upbeat guy) during the day.  At night, though...well, he threw a full urinal at my brother, called me every kind of effing b, bit one of the staff at the nursing home, and basically turned into a monster.   Despite all of his flaws, my father was never before even close to this night time person.  We brought him home when the nursing home ran out of options and wanted to put his mattress on the floor because he kept heaving himself out of bed and at 230 pounds, the staff was having a hard time putting him back in - especially if he was apt to bite one of them. 

 

I loved my dad a lot, but there were times in our history when our relationship was difficult.  So...there is some guilt.  I am the executor of his estate and that is a job I wish on NO ONE.  I'd like to invent a new word, because there isn't one currently in the English language that quite fits the amount of horrid pain-in-the-ass-ness that describes being the executor of a will for someone you loved. 

 

My family pulled together.  My dad was in the hospital and/or rehab for 73 days.  He was without a family member for not a single one of those days.  So...we did right by him. 

 

A month after Dad died, a beloved family friend died unexpectedly in his sleep.  That funeral was two weeks ago. 

 

I had reached a place where I was ready to get back to challenging - @Grumble  @Taddea Zhaan @RedStone and @Laghail

had been gently encouraging me back to the boards to get back to my challenges (seriously good nerds, that batch - G put a reminder in his phone to harass me) - and I thought that I was ready to get back to it for this challenge.  And then. 

 

Today one of the teachers in my school died unexpectedly and violently. 

 

My emotions are swinging wildly from "empty husk" to "overflowing with chunky hot bile". 

 

I'm not sure how well I am going to do on this challenge, but for eff's sake, I am going to try. 

 

 

So.  The challenge

Zero Week

1. Weigh myself.  None of my clothes fit, so there is definitely damage.  Get on the scale and face that demon.  It is what it is.  Once I know how bad it is, it will no longer by a scary unknown. 
2. No fast food.  Period.  None. 
3. Start Stronglifts on Wednesday.  It's going waaaaaaay backward for me (I actually have an amazing coach that I am positive will take me back, but right now I need something predictable and stupid simple), but I think the structure will be good for me. 

That's it for Zero Week. 

 

Weeks 1 - 4

1. Eat like I have sense.  The eventual goal is to shed the fat, but right now I'm going to go with "plan and track".  1780 calories is my normal cutting weight, if I do that, great.  If not, that's okay.  Maintenance is 2480, so anything between those numbers is probably okay for this challenge. 
2. SL 3x per week.  I'm starting with the bar, because I just don't have the mental capacity for anything else.  No comparing to old numbers. 
3. Get on here and write something good that happened every day.  Without getting too sappy...I need to appreciate the good things that I have in my life (and there are MANY) because there are so many things I took for granted that I can never re-do. 
4. My husband is amazing and has agreed to challenge with me for moral support.  He's a scout, but will be challenging with us warriors because I asked him to.  (Yeah, I'm needy right now, whateverrrrrrrrr).  I do best on these challenges when I support others, so I will try very hard to offer support to lots of challenges, including his ( @gunslinger_25 - he hasn't posted yet, though). 

 

That's it.  I'm back. 

 

[Br0din]

 

Now, get your shit together.

[RedStone]

Proud of you for showing up today. Proud of you for saying all the things. I have a feeling SL is going to feel like a very familiar, welcome friend, but right now getting to a place of normalcy is tops. We're here no matter what, but almost entirely to give @Br0din shit.

 

[Grumble]

missed your face. Virtually of course. 

 

I'd do it Everytime if it would help you.

 

Now. You got some trolling to do and a challenge to kick ass in.

[Emerald_Dragonfly]

1 hour ago, Br0din said:

Now, get your shit together.

I knew that it would be you to lob that back at me.  Not gonna lie...it warms my heart a bit. 

 

 

 

2 minutes ago, Grumble said:

Now. You got some trolling to do and a challenge to kick ass in.

 

[Emerald_Dragonfly]

16 minutes ago, RedStone said:

Proud of you for showing up today. Proud of you for saying all the things. I have a feeling SL is going to feel like a very familiar, welcome friend, but right now getting to a place of normalcy is tops. We're here no matter what, but almost entirely to give @Br0din shit.

Thanks.

The idea for SL is to get back to what I love with routine and structure.  Then when I am ready, get back to the fun stuff when I am built back up.  Tbh, probably a couple of months of SL will get me back into a good head space. 

I'm not proud so much as desperate to get some control and order back into my life.  And I've missed you guys. 

[Grumble]

38 minutes ago, Emerald_Dragonfly said:

Thanks.

The idea for SL is to get back to what I love with routine and structure.  Then when I am ready, get back to the fun stuff when I am built back up.  Tbh, probably a couple of months of SL will get me back into a good head space. 

I'm not proud so much as desperate to get some control and order back into my life.  And I've missed you guys. 

[Alanna]

*Hug* Sorry for your losses - those must be a lot to process, even without all the other stresses on top. I'm glad you're taking time to take care of yourself this challenge, and it's inspiring to see you're still here even after everything that life threw at you <3. As you said, don't compare to where you were - just focus on giving your body and mind what they need to flourish, and the strength and fitness will return!

[Gemma]

Moral support all over this. Missed you.

 

[Jord]

It's possible to eat like we have sense? I forgot about that in your absence. Your strength of will to adhere to a calorie target has always been admirable to me. I'm looking forward to seeing the magic in action. It's like the whole party is on a cut, we can do this together!

 

[CourtnieMarie]

wow, that is... a lot. it's ridiculously inspiring to see you back on the forums after all that. give yourself +50000000 credits and be nice to yourself.

 

does chipotle count as fast food?

[Urgan]

That is a lot of hardship all a short span. We'll be cheering for you while you get back on your feet.

[Br0din]

13 hours ago, Emerald_Dragonfly said:

I knew that it would be you to lob that back at me.  Not gonna lie...it warms my heart a bit. 

 

I am that kind of friend who you can trust to throw fast balls at you!

[Urgan]

13 minutes ago, Br0din said:

 

I am that kind of friend who you can trust to throw fast balls at you!

 

[Mike Wazowski]

Wow, that is a ton to process. So glad you're back - I missed your A++++ gif game!

[Scaly Freak]

I joined while you were away, so we don't know each other yet, but that will hopefully change.

 

Welcome back!

[Laghail]

[Emerald_Dragonfly]

12 hours ago, Alanna said:

*Hug* Sorry for your losses - those must be a lot to process, even without all the other stresses on top. I'm glad you're taking time to take care of yourself this challenge...

Thank you.  (hugs)

I'm trying.

 

10 hours ago, Gemma said:

Moral support all over this. Missed you.

I appreciate it.  Truly. 

I did.  For realz. 

 

9 hours ago, Taddea Zhaan said:

It's possible to eat like we have sense? I forgot about that in your absence. Your strength of will to adhere to a calorie target has always been admirable to me. I'm looking forward to seeing the magic in action. It's like the whole party is on a cut, we can do this together!

I'm not sure that I remember how to.  But I am making a strong effort...

 

8 hours ago, CourtnieMarie said:

wow, that is... a lot. it's ridiculously inspiring to see you back on the forums after all that. give yourself +50000000 credits and be nice to yourself.

 

does chipotle count as fast food?

I can't own the "inspiring" word.  Inspiring would have been if I had been able to hold it together and continue lifting/eating right/etc.  I didn't...so I am just another schlub working through life. 

Chipotle definitely counts as fast food.  Although the closest one is an hour away...so...maybe not actually "fast". 

 

7 hours ago, Urgan said:

That is a lot of hardship all a short span. We'll be cheering for you while you get back on your feet.

Thanks.  Trying to get back on my feet...

7 hours ago, Br0din said:

 

I am that kind of friend who you can trust to throw fast balls at you!

Cuz that's how friends do. 

 

7 hours ago, Urgan said:

 

 

 

5 hours ago, MikeWazowski said:

Wow, that is a ton to process. So glad you're back - I missed your A++++ gif game!

Thanks!

 

2 hours ago, scalyfreak said:

I joined while you were away, so we don't know each other yet, but that will hopefully change.

 

Welcome back!

Awww...thanks!

 

53 minutes ago, Laghail said:

[Urgan]

27 minutes ago, Emerald_Dragonfly said:

I can't own the "inspiring" word.  Inspiring would have been if I had been able to hold it together and continue lifting/eating right/etc.  I didn't...so I am just another schlub working through life.

 

Uh, well you had the option to compound all the terrible things that have happened to you recently by giving up yourself, quitting NF forever, etc. I'm sure nobody in your life would blame you. But you didn't. Being an inspiration isn't about being Superman, it's about being a regular man or woman who gets up after they were knocked down time and again. 

[Emerald_Dragonfly]

13 minutes ago, Urgan said:

 

Uh, well you had the option to compound all the terrible things that have happened to you recently by giving up yourself, quitting NF forever, etc. I'm sure nobody in your life would blame you. But you didn't. Being an inspiration isn't about being Superman, it's about being a regular man or woman who gets up after they were knocked down time and again. 

(((HUGS))) Thank you. 

I'm not quite on my feet 100%, but let's say I'm creatively working my way through it...

[RedStone]

23 hours ago, Emerald_Dragonfly said:

The idea for SL is to get back to what I love with routine and structure.  Then when I am ready, get back to the fun stuff when I am built back up.  Tbh, probably a couple of months of SL will get me back into a good head space. 

 

It's a good idea for a million reasons. I hope it's fun  

 

23 hours ago, Grumble said:

 

What he said...

[Gemma]

27 minutes ago, Urgan said:

 

Uh, well you had the option to compound all the terrible things that have happened to you recently by giving up yourself, quitting NF forever, etc. I'm sure nobody in your life would blame you. But you didn't. Being an inspiration isn't about being Superman, it's about being a regular man or woman who gets up after they were knocked down time and again. 

 

This is beautifully reminiscent of Theodore Roosevelt's "Man in the Arena" speech - and equally true. Dusting yourself off after falling is a superpower. Never falling is ... not what people do. Even heroes. 

[Scaly Freak]

2 hours ago, Emerald_Dragonfly said:

 

 

 

I know you post gifs of David Hasselhoff flying to Hooked on a Feeling.

 

I think we're going to get along just fine.  

[CourtnieMarie]

13 hours ago, Emerald_Dragonfly said:

I can't own the "inspiring" word.  Inspiring would have been if I had been able to hold it together and continue lifting/eating right/etc.  I didn't...so I am just another schlub working through life. 

 

12 hours ago, Urgan said:

 

Uh, well you had the option to compound all the terrible things that have happened to you recently by giving up yourself, quitting NF forever, etc. I'm sure nobody in your life would blame you. But you didn't. Being an inspiration isn't about being Superman, it's about being a regular man or woman who gets up after they were knocked down time and again. 

 

12 hours ago, Gemma said:

 

This is beautifully reminiscent of Theodore Roosevelt's "Man in the Arena" speech - and equally true. Dusting yourself off after falling is a superpower. Never falling is ... not what people do. Even heroes. 

 

if you had continued lifting and eating right through everything that has happened I would've called you a robot  

 

13 hours ago, Emerald_Dragonfly said:

Chipotle definitely counts as fast food.  Although the closest one is an hour away...so...maybe not actually "fast". 

[JustCallMeAmber]

My condolences for your losses

Glad you are back