Plazmotic Unlearns What She Has Learned

[Plazmotic]

I'm back y'all! A little bit of background on me.

Spoiler

 

I’m a 37 year old lady who’s mostly doing well in the health department. As a child I was super skinny, enough so that people would blatantly ask me if I had anorexia (OMG RUDE). I was just blessed with a quick metabolism and a tiny appetite. Anyway, because I was so skinny, no one ever judged my food intake or activity levels i.e. no one commented on the fact that I could spend an evening sitting on the couch eating potato chips and candy, I was skinny so I was obviously healthy! {/sarcasm}

 

So now I’m older and my metabolism is slowing down, plus I’ve realized that eating like crap and sitting on my butt all day is NOT a healthy lifestyle choice. Eating well is easy (my mother is a vegetarian SAHM and introduced me to a rainbow of delicious vegetables) but exercising is tough for me, I’m a creative introvert and there’s just so many other things I’d rather do than be active.

 

One other important topic that will come up during challenges is my struggle with infertility and recurrent miscarriage. I’ve been trying to have a baby since Oct. 2015 with no luck thus far. I’m going to a fertility clinic for treatment but am not optimistic on my chances, considering I don’t really want to do IVF.

 

 

Challenge Goals

 

1. Diet – continue improved freggie intake (whole fruit snacks, vegetables at every meal).

2. Diet – limited eating window (food can only be consumed between 10am and 8pm).

3. Exercise – 1x weekly walk with my sister in law (it's the best I can muster right now)**

4. Life – journaling (dream log +  mood tracker @Severine holler at me!)

 

** can be substituted with an evening of shoveling snow, UGH CANADA WHY

 

BONUS GOAL 1 – Job hunting like a mofo! Reason: I’ve become aware over the last several months that my thoughts and emotions have deviated somewhat from what I largely consider normal for myself. Specifically, I’m a lot more fearful and anxious now. I was pondering on  whether it’s because I’m getting older, if it’s because of my reproductive struggles, or whether it’s due to my current job. I am leaning towards my job being the root cause because the last time I felt like this (almost 15 years ago) I was ALSO struggling through a craptastic job that turned me into a mess of a person. So yeah... job hunting like a mofo. 

 

(While it’s true that I generally dislike my career, I do believe changing jobs will alleviate my anxiousness. In both my current job and the old job that messed me up, the key similarity was having a boss that didn’t seem to like me. A good relationship with my boss makes me a happier person.)

 

BONUS GOAL 2 – Interrogating my fear. Job issues aside, I’ve been feeling stagnant and stuck due to fear stopping me in my tracks. It’s fear of financial debt, fear of being judged, fear of failing, and fear of conflict. So I’m going to try and reflect this month on how my fears are burdening me and how life would be like if I wasn’t so fearful.

 

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."

 

 

[Heidi]

Good luck, @Plazmotic and welcome back!

I hear you on the boss relationship.

 

Cheering you on!

[Siferiax]

High five on limited eating windows
Seems you have plenty to do this challenge.
Good luck!!

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk

[Plazmotic]

Something that’s been bothering me in the last few weeks…

 

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been a writer. Even as I got older and built an education and career for myself that I had no passion for, I knew I was still a writer. I discovered fanfic and it was my haven and sandbox and sunny shore for nearly a decade. Then I noticed a few of my favourite fanfic artists were writing novels and I was struck with clarity that this was what I was meant to do, I had to write a novel. It would be delicately beautiful and achingly haunting; I would look to it with pride and accomplishment because it added something unique to the world.

 

That was almost another 10 years ago now. And in that time instead of treating writing as a passion, I think I’ve started using it as a crutch. I’d write my novel and think: “I will finish this novel, get it published, it will be turned into a movie or TV show, and then I will NEVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN.” But two weeks ago I read an article somewhere (about privilege, incidentally) that highlighted the fact that most writers that get published will not find stardom. Most writers have to keep full-time jobs and write their novels on the side. Writing does not pay the bills, it is not a Get Rich Quick scheme.

 

I realized that writing will not save me from a career that leaves me cold and disappointed.

 

With that realization in mind, my motivation to write has dropped precipitously. If this doesn’t make me rich and famous, what’s the point? Riches and fame were never the goal, in the beginning. When did that all change? When did I start to see my book as a way out, the solution to all of my nine to five woes? No wonder my writing is so difficult to do, with that much pressure and weight upon what should be an act of creative playfulness.

 

So. New goal. Write a novel that I will never share with anyone. It is only going to be for me and me alone. For me to look upon it with pride and accomplishment. For me to re-read passages and grin manically or shed a tear or just marvel at the sheer brilliance. It will be weird and fucked up but honest and evocative, the kind of novel that 25 year old me would daydream about for months after. Of course, I will still follow all the required conventions of writing a good novel, but I will be writing for a very specific audience type: me, of the past and present and future.

 

Which leaves me with the more difficult question of how to not hate my life during the rest of my working days. I don’t have an answer for this, not right now and not anymore. In my twenties, I thought I’d go back to school and re-educate myself to become a graphic designer or web designer. Designing and creating in Photoshop used to be an obsession. But the allure has receded; sitting in front of a computer all day doesn’t appeal to me anymore.

 

So I’m left with a giant question mark as to where to go from here? Search through my options and find some other suitable work that fits me and also earns me a paycheck? Or simply learn to be grateful for the opportunity to earn my keep to begin with?

[Siferiax]

I'd recommend the book "So good they can't ignore you" by Carl Newport.
It has the subtitle "Why skills thrump passion in the quest for work you love"

The basic idea is that your job doesn't really matter, just get really good at it and the love for it will come on its own.

I've never actually finished reading it, but I know it holds a truth.

I never really knew what I wanted to do with my working life.
As a kid I wanted to be a vet, but the reality of the job soon squashed that ambition (job requirements and the job itself)
And then I kinda floated just grabbing whatever came on my path.
I have an education in programming and during internships discovered I absolutely did not want to do that as a job.
So I posted online my resume and that I didn't want to program. So I got Business Intelligence thrown my way.
I'm not sure I ever really liked BI or felt passionate about it. BUT I've gotten so good at what I do, I LOVE what I'm doing now.
I can't see myself having any other job
It's kind of magical. This book made me realize it's because my job now hits all the markers of satisfying work that I love it.
Before I read it, I didn't really know why I was ok with my job. The book opened my eyes and made me realize I didn't have to find my passion anymore, I was fine where I was.
And now most days I'm genuinely happy to be doing what I'm doing ^^

Hope this long babble helps you in some way...

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk

[NeverThatBored]

You're wrestling with some tough questions here. Following along to cheer you on!

[Plazmotic]

7 hours ago, Siferiax said:

I'd recommend the book "So good they can't ignore you" by Carl Newport.

Thank you, I'll add it to my list!

 

I can see the truth in this; I think that if I was more proficient and competent in my field I’d probably enjoy it a lot more. But I struggle with self-confidence and imposter syndrome. I know objectively that I’m smart and knowledgeable, I have the certifications to prove it! But in real life I come across as very hesitant and unsure.

[Shello]

I love your idea of writing a novel just for you.  It's a great way to make that goal achievable and recognize you are doing it for you and not as a way out.  That leaves your career issues, which sounds like you must treat separately.  I certainly wouldn't settle for something that you hate doing every day.  If it takes a different perspective to love your current job, or to look around at other opportunities I think you should address it.  Does your current role have any advancement opportunities?   My career is not what I intended and doesn't really relate to my degree.  But I was able to transfer around and get a few promotions.  This made my job seem less tedious and as I do tend to get bored after several years, there are always new opportunities available to me as I grow but at the same time I'm staying at the same place and developing connections and relationships with people.  

[Plazmotic]

47 minutes ago, LadyShello said:

Does your current role have any advancement opportunities?   My career is not what I intended and doesn't really relate to my degree.  But I was able to transfer around and get a few promotions. 

Unfortunately it doesn’t. My role is fairly specialized and there are only two people doing what I do in the whole company, myself and my counterpart on the other side of the country. My knowledge and skills don’t really transfer into any other roles.

[Shello]

44 minutes ago, Plazmotic said:

Unfortunately it doesn’t. My role is fairly specialized and there are only two people doing what I do in the whole company, myself and my counterpart on the other side of the country. My knowledge and skills don’t really transfer into any other roles.

That's a tough situation.  How did you end up in the job you have now?  What attracted you to it?

[Plazmotic]

57 minutes ago, LadyShello said:

How did you end up in the job you have now?  What attracted you to it?

A paycheck?

 

I had been fired from my last job and unemployment fills me with deep shame (an unfortunate quirk I picked up from my parents) so I grabbed the first job offer I got.

[Shello]

8 minutes ago, Plazmotic said:

A paycheck?

 

I had been fired from my last job and unemployment fills me with deep shame (an unfortunate quirk I picked up from my parents) so I grabbed the first job offer I got.

Paychecks are important!  Is it possible to look around at other jobs with a paycheck to see if something seems interesting?   

[Plazmotic]

1 hour ago, LadyShello said:

Paychecks are important!  Is it possible to look around at other jobs with a paycheck to see if something seems interesting?   

I am! Got a couple interviews lined up and I'm looking to make a change. The problem is that all the jobs I applied for thus far feel just as inauthentic as the current one. Hoping a more suitable one comes up soon.

[Plazmotic]

I NEED TO RANT FOR A SECOND. Is it just me, or do a crap-load of job postings love to include phrases that scream "red flag" to potential candidates like me on purpose? I'm talking about things like...

 

"Established resilience with heavy workload working within tight deadlines."

 

"Ability to remain flexible in a challenging position"

 

"Demonstrated ability to meet deadlines and prioritize a heavy workload."

 

I see words like this and freak out... they are straight up telling me, our work culture is terrible and you will hate us within a year. Why do employers do this?? Is this because there are crazy people out there who love stress and thrive under unreasonably demanding deadlines and workloads?? Ugh. I just applied for a few more jobs and all I feel is headachey and stressed. I feel like I'm trying to trade one torture device for another.

[Heidi]

2 minutes ago, Plazmotic said:

they are straight up telling me, our work culture is terrible and you will hate us within a year. Why do employers do this??

Do you mind if I ask where you live and what field you work in?

I know that in SDLC these phrases happen all the time, and are exactly indicating what you translated them to mean.

It's why I had to leave the whole area, especially in Virginia.

 

 

[Plazmotic]

1 minute ago, Heidi said:

I know that in SDLC these phrases happen all the time, and are exactly indicating what you translated them to mean.

*CRIES*

 

1 minute ago, Heidi said:

Do you mind if I ask where you live and what field you work in?

I live in Toronto. My field is kinda specific so I won't mention it, but most jobs are either in the construction or manufacturing industries.

[Siferiax]

Sucks
I think it is indeed an initial screening.
It's like you have to be able to do all the things, all at once. -sigh-
I hope you can eventually be happy with what you do. Whether that's in this job or a new one.

Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk

[Plazmotic]

Ughhhhh test kitchen just baked up a fresh batch of parmesan crusted franks in a blanket and I can't have any because it's not 10am yet they will be GONE by then!

[Shello]

14 minutes ago, Plazmotic said:

Ughhhhh test kitchen just baked up a fresh batch of parmesan crusted franks in a blanket and I can't have any because it's not 10am yet they will be GONE by then!

Ugh... can you grab one and keep it until 10?

[Plazmotic]

29 minutes ago, LadyShello said:

Ugh... can you grab one and keep it until 10?

There actually WERE a ton left at 10am! I had a couple

[MaD MaLKaV]

Welcome back and good luck with the job hunt.  Glad they had some leftovers for you.

[Plazmotic]

Week 0 Summary

 

I think I’ve prepped well enough to get through this challenge successfully. I had to do so much shovelling over the weekend, even though I got my TOM on Saturday. Then on Sunday night I was pretty happy with dinner… we had a huge tub of salad greens that were about to expire, so I sautéed it with butter and garlic, added in some leftover rice and leftover bacon from breakfast, added soy sauce and pepper, and voila a tasty side dish to go with my lime chili tilapia.

 

Journaling has surprisingly been harder than I thought it would. I keep my journal downstairs in the basement with all my crafting wares, but I hardly go down to the basement if my husband is already down there, so I often climb into bed and forget that I didn’t journal for the day. Also hard: keeping a dream log if you don’t write it down first thing in the morning. I’ve taken to jotting notes in my phone when I get to work, but if I forget to do that my dream is lost to me by the evening.

[Plazmotic]

Interrogating my fear: some further thoughts.

 

Although I know a fair amount of my current anxiety can be attributed to my job, some of it can’t be job-related because it pre-dates my current role. One memory in particular comes to mind.

 

When I was 30 or 31 years old I discovered some interesting websites that specialized in creepypasta (it’s the SCP Foundation for those who care). As a person who spent her teen years never once being scared of X-Files or other foreboding media, I get a kick out of creepypastas. One article on the website in particular was extra-creepy and included a manipulated photo of a “monster” that I quickly scrolled away from, but I found that later that night I couldn’t sleep, I kept thinking about this monster and how terrifying it was to me. But… I’d never been this afraid of clearly imaginary stories before, I tried telling my brain to be rational but it kept going “okay sure but WHAT IF THIS MONSTER FOUND YOU?”

 

I’ve also noticed in the last couple years that I’ve been having disproportionately huge reactions to finding things like flies and spiders in my house, like… feeling violated and betrayed by the “safeness” of my house LOLWHAT. Stuff like that used to be a mild annoyance and a part of life, not an occasion to panic.

 

I’m not sure why I’ve started thinking this way. Part of me feels it’s due to living in a very fortunate and trouble-free bubble for many years now, so my brain doesn’t know how handle the unexpected or the random difficulties of life without freaking out. Makes me think I need to throw myself into the deep end for a bit, just so I can remember that yes, self, you DO know how to tread water, you’ll be okay.

[Shello]

That's an interesting observation.  I've also noticed an increase in anxiety reactions to things that never used to cause any anxiety...  It happened slowly too so I didn't really notice it as it was happening.  I have not, though, found a reason for it.  

[RittenRemedy]

I also write only for myself.  I used to share more, and I still do with close friends, but thinking about publishing was making me change how and why I wrote what I wrote.  Not caring about anyone else reading has really helped, which is important, because I use that story as a soundboard for myself.  It's nice to have somewhere to go that is guaranteed private.