Rhovaniel: My Mind is a Battleground

[Rhovaniel]

I warn you all now, and trust me this is a serious warning, not for effect. This is not going to be a happy or particularly fun challenge. I’m dealing with some pretty heavy mental demons right now, and my thread may well end up being my place to vent. Sorry. It’s just what I feel needs to happen right now.

 

  

 

This challenge is going to hurt. It’s going to hurt because I need to be 100% brutally honest with myself and I am going to need to delve deep into my mind to hopefully find some healing.

 

See, right now my biggest battle is with anxiety, and the way it consumes me over the most bizarre, and sometimes smallest, things. Counselling seems to have left me in a half-way stage; I know a fair chunk of the why, but not the how to defeat it. And I’ve written and deleted this at least a dozen times, but the theme of this challenge is 100% honesty. With myself, first and foremost, but it feels like I’d be defeating the purpose if I held back one of the key reasons why this honest inwards searching is needed. I’ve spoilered the heavy stuff, so no one has to read it if they don’t want to. But I will probably be talking about it openly on my thread in the weeks to come. I am so sorry if I offend anyone, or it makes you uncomfortable. Trust me, it is not my intention. I’m just through with hiding it now, and for various reasons I still have to hide this from people I love, namely my parents. For different reasons, but the effect is the same. But here goes.

 

Spoiler

My anxiety stems from my past. And I still struggle to write this down, so we’ll see how far I get: I was sexually abused, from the age of 5 till I moved out at 19. Not by the same man. One stopped when I was 13, the other… I was 14 when it started. And those few sentences just took me an age to write. It has taken me to 25 years of age to be able to voice it. And whilst some degree of healing has happened, it still leaves it mark. Anxiety for me is intertwined with confidence, self-esteem and over-thinking. Lately, the background noise has risen to a roar, and every single day has become a battleground. It’s a war I feel I’m losing, and something has to give.

 

I know it’s not really a normal challenge topic. But anxiety is slowly suffocating me, and so this challenge won’t follow a normal format. Yes, I’ll post about my fitness and nutrition and check in on those. But they are mere side-quests. The main objective in this cycle is to regain control of my mind.

 

How?

 

Well, first off I need to spend some time in there. My head, I mean.

 

Goal 1: Meditate a minimum of 10 minutes a day.

-       I downloaded a meditation app called Headspace that gives me a free trial before committing. I commit to using this app every single day, and at the end either subscribing or finding something that feels like a better fit.

 

Goal 2: Guided Meditation at least 3 times a week

-       This will be anxiety specific, or something that will help me move on from the events of the past to where I want and need to be.

 

Goal 3: Read books on the topic of anxiety and dealing with unwanted thoughts, or books about the subject spoilered above. Set aside some time in my day for this 5 days a week. 

-       I have one on my kindle already, and I’ll search around for recommendations for others that can help. Knowledge is power.

 

Goal 4: Do something recreational, every day. 1 chapter of a (non goal 3 type)  book, 1 film, or 1 TV show.

-       I love reading, but I hardly ever read anymore, and I have a hard time focusing on books. Same with films and TV programmes. I might love the series, but struggle to make it past the opening 5 minutes. If I make myself turn it on at all. I need to break this cycle, because I really want to rekindle that love for stories again. It’s probably why I also stopped writing.

 

Now, these are just starting blocks. I realise that I will very likely need to talk to an actual therapist in the near-ish future. But to me, the self-help therapy is going to be just as important as if and when I talk to a professional about this. 

 

Fitness and Nutrition: The side quests

 

1.     Work out 5 – 6 times week.

 

3 of these will be BMF, at least one will be a run, hopefully two, and the other a lifting day. I’d like to lift more, but I’d need more days in the week for that. Though given the mini, I may make one of these days a ruck day as needed  

 

2.     Follow a meal plan, and cut down the junk

 

I’ve let this get sloppy again. But a healthy mind needs healthy fuel. I need to stop eating crap at work, too. It may be too much to ask myself to count macros at the moment, but focusing on what I put in my mouth cannot be a bad thing.

 

[WhiteGhost]

Hey there! Here to follow and support you as you work through this challenge

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Following along again. You have my full support and I will be here with you every step of the way.

 

[TGP]

as they say, You are your own worst enemy.

 

but be kind to yourself.  you are a wonderful human being with lots of strength, love, and positivity- though you may have to sort it out for a while; until you feel it.  If you need to vent, we are here for you.  improving yourself is always insightful; even if there is discomfort, doubt and difficulty in doing it.

[Rhovaniel]

7 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Hey there! Here to follow and support you as you work through this challenge

 

Thank you. Glad to have you.

 

7 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Following along again. You have my full support and I will be here with you every step of the way.

 

Thanks, Tank. It means a lot. 

 

5 hours ago, TGP said:

as they say, You are your own worst enemy.

 

but be kind to yourself.  you are a wonderful human being with lots of strength, love, and positivity- though you may have to sort it out for a while; until you feel it.  If you need to vent, we are here for you.  improving yourself is always insightful; even if there is discomfort, doubt and difficulty in doing it.

Right now, I am absolutely my own worst enemy. But I'm working on the kindness thing, in the hopes that the enemy becomes a friend. 

 

 

Week One, Day One

 

Meditation: 1/7 

Guided Visualisation: 0/7 - This is planned for tomorrow. 

Reading the subject: 0/5 - but I have ordered 4 that seem to be well recommended. They're due on wednesday, and I should be finished with the book I have by then. 

Recreational: 1/7 - Giving myself this even if it was more a case of finding something already on and watching it. The point is that I sat and watched it through with interest, and that is the point of the goal. I also played sims 3 for a good few hours. Feels good to lose myself in that funny little virtual world sometimes...

 

 

Workout Tally - 0. Rest day. 

Nutrition - fail. Not that I ate TOO much crap, just that I didn't stick to plan. Lentil chips do not count as dinner. 

 

 

Day One off to a slow start, but a start is a start. I got the shopping I needed to get done done, if not the meal prep that should have followed that. Just means I need to make sure I do some tomorrow evening. I did very little else, apart from gaming and watching a couple programmes on TV. Something of a reset day, which I think I needed. Work is starting to get pretty busy, and we have a lot of reports to get done. 

 

The headspace app looks pretty good. I'm on day 2. It's very basic, and the 10 minutes goes by pretty fast. Still not sure if I want to keep it, but it's a possibility. Tomorrow, the plan (weather permitting, it was hailing this afternoon) is to go for a run in the morning. My new plan for this is to get the running done as early in the week as possible, so it's out of the way and I'm not dragging on the willpower reserves. The gym is more exciting to me, so it shouldn't be an issue to make myself go on a Wednesday or a Friday. 

[jonfirestar]

Following to support you and encourage you to vent as much as you need to. I'm also going to gently suggest that as part of your recreation goal you add writing. 

[Emerald Eagle]

15 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

 

I know it’s not really a normal challenge topic. But anxiety is slowly suffocating me, and so this challenge won’t follow a normal format. Yes, I’ll post about my fitness and nutrition and check in on those. But they are mere side-quests. The main objective in this cycle is to regain control of my mind.

 

I love that you have identified your mental health and well-being as the most important thing to focus on at the moment and I will definitely be following along to support you if your quest to conquer the nastiest of demons.

[Elastigirl]

Hugs. Sorry for the hurt you've had in your past. Proud of you for now trying to work through the hurt to find the healing.

[WhiteGhost]

17 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

And I’ve written and deleted this at least a dozen times, but the theme of this challenge is 100% honesty.

 

I'm just going to leave this here...

 

[SkyGirl]

Rho, I am here for you and I've got your back in whatever way you need. This forum and this thread is your safe space to say whatever you need to say, and to think about whatever you need to think about, and to write down and process whatever you need to process. Propriety, "normal" challenges, fear of burdening people - please, please leave all that at the door when you come to this space, and feel completely free to work on nourishing yourself and loving yourself and healing from this burden that you've carried for such a very long time.

 

I love you. I'm so proud of you. And I believe in you every step of the way.

[Charlie_Quinn]

PM'd you. Following, of course. 

 

Well done on your run, it was so cold and icy this morning.

[Rhovaniel]

10 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

Following to support you and encourage you to vent as much as you need to. I'm also going to gently suggest that as part of your recreation goal you add writing. 

 

8 hours ago, EmeraldEagle said:

I love that you have identified your mental health and well-being as the most important thing to focus on at the moment and I will definitely be following along to support you if your quest to conquer the nastiest of demons.

 

8 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Hugs. Sorry for the hurt you've had in your past. Proud of you for now trying to work through the hurt to find the healing.

 

2 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Rho, I am here for you and I've got your back in whatever way you need. This forum and this thread is your safe space to say whatever you need to say, and to think about whatever you need to think about, and to write down and process whatever you need to process. Propriety, "normal" challenges, fear of burdening people - please, please leave all that at the door when you come to this space, and feel completely free to work on nourishing yourself and loving yourself and healing from this burden that you've carried for such a very long time.

 

I love you. I'm so proud of you. And I believe in you every step of the way.

 

Thanks you all so much for your support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of you being here and supporting me. 

 

 

6 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

 

I'm just going to leave this here...

 

I'd forgotten all about that! Thanks for reminding me  

 

2 hours ago, Charlie_Quinn said:

PM'd you. Following, of course. 

 

Well done on your run, it was so cold and icy this morning.

Thanks, Charlie. I appreciate it And I've never run with hard frost on the ground before, so that was a new experience!

 

I'll do a proper update tonight but today is going to be a good day. As CQ, mentioned, I got out for my long run today. Nowhere exciting, but I looped round the streets near me I knew would be lit and without any dark, isolated patches. First mile was so cold! I almost turned back after the first few steps, but once I warmed up it was fine. Very thankful for my gloves and scarf. I also didn't have a distance in my head, but figured 4 miles would be a decent start to long runs. Not too sure what happened, but I was feeling really good, like I could go forever. Ended up doing 5 miles exactly, in 53.09 minutes. I think I went a little fast, but pacing is hard to figure out, especially when its cold! Home, showered, made a protein shake for breakfast and a salad for lunch. Someone opened my ham at work, I've just discovered, but didn't take much. Annoying though! And tonight I'm catching up with a friend in Harlow. Which means.... Chiquitos! I see tacos in my near future...  

[jonfirestar]

29 minutes ago, Rhovaniel said:

Ended up doing 5 miles exactly, in 53.09 minutes

That's a really decent time! Well done for that. Don't worry about pacing too much you'll begin to understand it better the more experience you get and even then some days you'll find your easy pace is faster than others. 

[Rhovaniel]

On ‎2‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 1:58 PM, jonfirestar said:

That's a really decent time! Well done for that. Don't worry about pacing too much you'll begin to understand it better the more experience you get and even then some days you'll find your easy pace is faster than others. 

Thanks! Hopefully, the meditation stuff will also help with the 'listening to my body' when exercising. On that note,

 

Yesterday:

 

Meditation: 1/7 - I think I'll be keeping this. 

Guided Visualisation: 1/3 - Did this this morning. Not too sure I connected with it, so more YouTube searching is needed. 

Reading the subject: 0/5 - I need to do some reading tonight!

Recreational: 2/7 - No reading or TV, but catching up with a friend should totally count.... 

 

 

Workout Tally - 1. Got out for a 5 mile run! I don't think I've ever done 5 miles in one go before!

Nutrition - fail. Tacos for dinner (and garlic tortillas!), plus cake. Why is it always someone's birthday in this office!

[jonfirestar]

3 minutes ago, Rhovaniel said:

Nutrition - fail. Tacos for dinner (and garlic tortillas!), plus cake. Why is it always someone's birthday in this office!

Just cause there is cake, doesn't mean you have to eat it! I know that doesn't sound right but it's true  

[WhiteGhost]

27 minutes ago, Rhovaniel said:

Nutrition - fail. Tacos for dinner

I don't care what modifiers you put after this, tacos for dinner is incompatible with failure  

[Charlie_Quinn]

42 minutes ago, Rhovaniel said:

Workout Tally - 1. Got out for a 5 mile run! I don't think I've ever done 5 miles in one go before!

 

And you did it in a decent time too! Well done. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, Rhovaniel said:

Nutrition - fail. Tacos for dinner (and garlic tortillas!), plus cake. Why is it always someone's birthday in this office!

White Ghost is right. Tacos are part of how you win at life.

[MrsVan]

Warning noted and accepted. Firstly it is your thread, and secondly, I've personally come to like you and will try to be there, even if I just "listen". You can rant and rave and discuss as much as you need to, want to, like to.

 

Spoiler

Quote

I was sexually abused, from the age of 5 till I moved out at 19.

I assumed something like this You see, although my ordeal didn't last as long as yours, I went through the same thing. First time at 5/6yrs for a weekend, and the second time for +-2yrs at 9-11yrs. Different men. The first time it was a big booha and ALL the family was told, no matter how far off related they were. I was called all kinds of names from prostitute to loose girl to shamed to... The second time my mom and gran (we lived together, both were divorced) chose to ignore it, and she and my gran forced me to continue visiting the family member with them. The one thing that I can remember that got me on the path to feel better about myself was telling myself repeatedly, that to God I'm special. To God I'm still the person He made and I still have a purpose for Him. It doesn't matter what people say or think, but if He can and does still love me, how can I not try to love myself. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I didn't do anything wrong. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Everything takes time, give yourself some grace.

 

I'm so, so, SO PROUD of you for opening up, because you are healing! You are finding worth for yourself! You are worth it! Repeat it, daily. You are worth it. If God is for you, who dare say anything against it? Not even you can, because God is for you. He LOVES you. Sorry if that was a bit strong, but you are really an amazing young woman. I wish I was there to give you a huge hug! Hugs and prayers from me to you.

 

Does your friend/partner know? You said your parents don't know? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I'm sorry if I'm asking out of turn.

 

 

On 2/11/2018 at 10:54 AM, Rhovaniel said:

I love reading, but I hardly ever read anymore, and I have a hard time focusing on books.

I have always loved to read, and turned more and more to books over time. I used to read about the hero and heroine and decide "this was the type of person I wanted to be", "this was the right way", "this was not what I wanted to be/do". I still read for relaxation and of course watch movies. I still love to dream...

On 2/12/2018 at 3:27 PM, Rhovaniel said:

Ended up doing 5 miles exactly, in 53.09 minutes.

Nice run! I'm so impressed with you cold-weather runners.

[MrsVan]

On 2/11/2018 at 10:54 AM, Rhovaniel said:

Goal 3: Read books on the topic of anxiety and dealing with unwanted thoughts,

Spoiler

Together with your title, I'm assuming one of the books are of Joyce Meyer, Battlefield of the mind? I mentioned in my previous thread that I'm reading her book with the 100 daily pieces. I also bought the book about her life, which gave me some insights into how she handled things, and made me realise we are all just human, and no one ever has all the answers. And that I have a lot to be thankful for. Those are two that I can recommend, although I've only really started the 100 daily pieces one. I'm trying to catch up on Tank's pastor's sermons. That is also something I can recommend: Livingstone church's sermons called White Christmas (there are three sermons on this topic) from November/December, and Uphill (four sermons on this topic) from January. and HUGS.

 

[TGP]

I think we are at a similar place; running wise.  good job for pushing the boundaries of your run!

 

is your thread referring joyce meyer's book and if so; is it insightful? I will look up the sermons...

 

 

[shaar]

Gosh you are so strong and wonderful and brave, ok???  I'm so proud of you for being able to be so open and honest not just with yourself, but with us too.  Vulnerability can be a hugely difficult thing but you're already being so courageous.

 

You can do it, I have huge faith in you and we all love you very much!!!!!!  Always here for you, even if it's just listening and offering some caps lock and a cat gif~ <3

[MrsVan]

10 minutes ago, TGP said:

is your thread referring joyce meyer's book and if so; is it insightful? I will look up the sermons...

Are you asking me? or Rhovaniel? I haven't really referred to it yet in my new thread, but I think I should as a couple people have asked about it, if you are interested. I've only really just begun reading the Battlefields one, as I was still trying to catch up on those sermons.

I'd like to know if @Rhovaniel is reading the same book, or the first one, not the one with the 100 daily pieces, and how she is finding it.

[TGP]

... perhaps some of my new struggles with anxiety would be best soothed by reading up on it....

I would appreciate good reading recommendations.

 

the author Joyce Meyer seems faintly familiar as well.

 

idk.  at other times in my life I've not had much success with the self-help genre... but perhaps. these are different times for me?

 

[SkyGirl]

4 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

Recreational: 2/7 - No reading or TV, but catching up with a friend should totally count.... 

 

Yep, it totally counts.   

 

4 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

garlic tortillas

 

IS THIS A REAL THING AND WHERE CAN I GET SOME??? Garlic tortillas sounds divine!!