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The Silver Archer: Boundary Defense


SkyGirl

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22 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

Double-updating!!

 

I ordered a book on a whim today, which I shouldn't have done, because usually that's a bit like the Heisman Trophy and ensures I'll never actually read it ........ but I want to read this one:

 

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It's by the guy who wrote the "Boundaries" book; and it covers four mindset shifts to heal relationships: Bonding with others, separating from others, sorting out good and bad in ourselves and others, and becoming an adult.

 

I found it through a very good blog that I read, written by a young woman who grew up in the middle of the conservative homeschooling culture that I grew up on the fringes of - she was writing about how our movement fostered a lot of childlike thinking and unhealthy amounts of depending on others to gauge our own behavior, and she mentioned this book as one that has helped her start to grow up in her relationships and the way she thinks about herself. I read part of the adulthood chapter, threw it in the cart, and bought it. It looks very practical and like it could help me out a lot.

I liked the Boundaries book

That blog is so well written  and insightful.Thanks for sharing. 

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Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song, above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world" J.R.R.Tolkien

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12 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

I liked the Boundaries book

That blog is so well written  and insightful.Thanks for sharing. 

 

The author of the blog is an interesting person - her dad was a very important writer and speaker at the center of the Vision Forum / Basic Life Principles school of homeschooling thought, and even though she has a good relationship with her parents, a lot of space on her blog is devoted to explaining how she has grown away from that movement and figured out who God wants her to be in this new stage of her life, including embracing her African-American identity in a way that she didn't before. I really enjoy her thoughts. She's on Twitter too, if you're interested.  :) 

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 48

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

 

2022 Books in Progress:

When Strivings Cease  |  Happiness Workbook The Gifts of Imperfection  |  Mistborn  |

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Two big-ish things happening today:

 

In the first place, I heard from NASA.  (*cue panicky jitters*)  In a nutshell, they still want me, but they haven't found anyone to sponsor me; so they told me to work with a funding body here on campus to see if they would fund me for a summer. I wrote to them, and they said that if I got a letter from the guy I've been talking to, then they'll recommend me for the grant; so I wrote to him, and he wrote to them, and now I wait. I'm thrilled and terrified and I don't know what else. Could this really be happening??

 

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In the second place, I did a little reading on semi-reputable websites last night to see what could be causing this persistent acne on my chin and neck - since I've also noticed a couple of other suspicious changes in my body over the last few weeks, I suspected it might be hormonal, and the websites I read bore that out. Slightly concerning. Before I go to a doctor, I'm going to try changing my diet a bit and see if that helps (yup, just as I said I wasn't going to change my diet ....): Eat more dark greens and protein, especially chicken and fish; cut back on dairy; add more probiotics; and drink more water. If that doesn't help after a few weeks, I will go see a doctor. Ovarian cysts run in my family, and I don't want to let something get unmanageable.

 

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I was going to take a walk on campus this afternoon as my daily physical activity, but I wore the high-heeled sneakers that make my knee hurt if I walk too far; so I'll be doing yoga tonight instead. Also going to do some thinking about getting my schedule back on track, in the midst of completing my stats homework.

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 48

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

 

2022 Books in Progress:

When Strivings Cease  |  Happiness Workbook The Gifts of Imperfection  |  Mistborn  |

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2 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

In the first place, I heard from NASA.  (*cue panicky jitters*)  In a nutshell, they still want me, but they haven't found anyone to sponsor me; so they told me to work with a funding body here on campus to see if they would fund me for a summer. I wrote to them, and they said that if I got a letter from the guy I've been talking to, then they'll recommend me for the grant; so I wrote to him, and he wrote to them, and now I wait. I'm thrilled and terrified and I don't know what else. Could this really be happening??

 

Ooh, I'm so excited for you Sky! Everything crossed for you!!

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"What does your heart tell you?" - Aragorn

 

Epic Quest: In the Footsteps of the Dúnedain: Aragorn's Journey

Current Challenge: The Chronicles of Rhovaniel, Volume I: Courage

Previous Challenges: 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13 1415|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23|24|25|26|27

 

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8 minutes ago, Rhovaniel said:

Ooh, I'm so excited for you Sky! Everything crossed for you!!

 

Thanks Rho!!

 

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 48

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

 

2022 Books in Progress:

When Strivings Cease  |  Happiness Workbook The Gifts of Imperfection  |  Mistborn  |

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2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Congrats on the good NASA news, and I think the book will be helpful for you.

 

Thank you! Things are at a deadlock right now, because the funding people need an official offer of employment before they'll fund me, and NASA needs an official funding letter before they'll hire me. So all I can do is watch the emails fly while they work things out - hopefully in my favor.  :P 

 

And yes, the book arrives tomorrow and I'm really excited about it.  :) 

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 48

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

 

2022 Books in Progress:

When Strivings Cease  |  Happiness Workbook The Gifts of Imperfection  |  Mistborn  |

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On 3/5/2018 at 6:38 PM, SkyGirl said:

In the first place, I heard from NASA.  (*cue panicky jitters*)  In a nutshell, they still want me, but they haven't found anyone to sponsor me; so they told me to work with a funding body here on campus to see if they would fund me for a summer. I wrote to them, and they said that if I got a letter from the guy I've been talking to, then they'll recommend me for the grant; so I wrote to him, and he wrote to them, and now I wait. I'm thrilled and terrified and I don't know what else. Could this really be happening??

OMG this is the most awesomesauce thing ever!!!! Fingers, eyes, legs, arms crossed here! It's gonna happen!!!

 

 

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Intro: Intro thread

Current challenge: Shoobie's baby steps to greatness

 

Eventually, all the pieces fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason - Carrie Bradshaw

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Current mood:

 

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I worked for 7 hours on my advisor's project today, and our first round of results is very discouraging and not at all what we were hoping for. I'm feeling rather defeated about that - I know my advisor is too, and I'm trying to get rid of the bitterness I've started feeling toward her, because that's not how I want to spend the rest of my time working with her. And no, those things aren't really related. 

 

This evening I made the poor (I guess?) choice to read my new "Changes That Heal" book for an hour and a half instead of starting on my paper (due in 34 hours) while I was still fresh, so all I got done tonight was the outline ... something's wrong with my right shoulder, so it hurts to the point of making me flinch when I raise my arm or twist it a certain way ... no news from NASA, and I'm starting to feel very frightened at the thought of breaking the news to my advisor if I do get the internship ... and the attack of the sharks is imminent and I'm having sharp pains from that.

 

I feel overwhelmed and like I can't do everything I need to ... but I also feel like that's partly my own fault, because I keep doing stupid things like watching Sherlock instead of starting my paper, or reading a book instead of starting my paper, or hanging out with a friend for an hour that I really couldn't spare - doing fun things when I'm fresh and feeling good, then running out of gas before I get started on the things I really need to do. I'm so sick and tired of absolutely everything - but I feel like I have no right to feel overwhelmed because my time management skills are so bad. And that's not a fun place to be.

 

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The book is really good so far and I'm going to take it to my counseling appointment tomorrow to talk about with my therapist ... there's also one other thing that has happened that I haven't quite processed yet, but may be able to talk about after I talk to her tomorrow. We'll see.

 

I won't be talking to her at all if I don't get some sleep, though ... I've slept through too many appointments already this semester ...

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 48

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

 

2022 Books in Progress:

When Strivings Cease  |  Happiness Workbook The Gifts of Imperfection  |  Mistborn  |

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Wellp, I pretty much muffed the end of this challenge.  :(   Last week I had a big assignment and work was incredibly busy (and not going well), and I hurt my right shoulder somehow so it was very painful to lift or twist my arm; so I didn't make it to the gym, only did a handful of pushups and did not do yoga. I have been reading my book and doing some more introspection (that I will tell you about in a second), and I think I had a small breakthrough on my thesis, but no fitness. I'm not super happy about that, but it's just a matter of prioritization, I guess. I'm already working on my next challenge and have some things I want to target, while also leaving plenty of room for work and school.

 

So here's the thing I've been mulling over this week (it's terribly long, but I think interesting):
 

Spoiler

 

The Young Man - the classmate whom I kind-of-dated last semester - is engaged to be married, and he and his fiancee have asked me to be in the wedding.

 

This was more sudden than I expected, but it turns out that he had known her for almost eight years before he met me, so they were both ready to skip the dating phase and just get married.

 

I feel a sort of stillness about it. It isn't without some sadness and regret, but - when I went someplace alone to let myself cry about it, I just - didn't really. There are things about her that make her a much better fit for him than I would have been. They met back in his home country, and she also comes from a traumatic war-torn upbringing, so it isn't foreign to her like it is to me. He said that she has also let him know that she will not put up with his manipulation and talking around the truth; and that actually is already showing up in his behavior - he was very kind and open during our discussion, and while he didn't exactly apologize for the way he wasn't truthful with me, he did acknowledge it, which still helps. She seems like an amazing person, and when she moves up here after the wedding, I look forward to meeting her. He says she looks forward to meeting me as well.

 

I don't know yet whether I will agree to be in the wedding or not. I confess I really want to dress up in their culture's traditional wedding garments, because they're beautiful; and I also think it would be nicer if I could let go of what happened and put it behind me, so I could relate to both of them openly instead of ignoring him and avoiding him whenever we're in the office together. On the other hand, I don't want to pretend everything was fine and nothing happened, either - for myself or for the bride. He claims he asked me because I am his closest friend besides her; but when I told my sister about it, she immediately said she thinks he wants to gloat (read: Mr. Collins and the shelves).

 

So, I don't know what I'll do. But I realized something important while I was talking with him about why our relationship didn't work: I realized that, while he is at the point in his life where he is settled in his identity and ready to build a family, I am still finding out who I even am and what I'm supposed to be doing. There are so many things I have never done and don't know about myself, my capabilities, my purpose, and the way I relate to God and others; and I need to seek out the answers to those questions. The Young Man was not interested in my identity development at all. His fiancee is also quite settled in who she is, so that's not an issue for them; but it's a huge issue for me. I don't know who I'm going to be a year from now, and I think it's best for me to focus on figuring that out. If I meet a man who is supportive of my growth and wants to be there for me as I do it, that would be amazing and I would be so happy; but I can't tie myself down in a relationship with someone who is firmly settled and won't help me grow.

 

This is huge and it radically changed my thoughts, not only on why my relationship with him failed, but why I haven't met anyone yet whom I could build a relationship with. So many people my age are done growing - they're having children, they're settling into their careers, they're buying their first house, they've finished school and aren't so focused on learning and growing anymore. They're ready to build the next generation. But I'm not ready to build the next generation because I'm not finished building myself. So while I'm still totally open to a relationship, I know now that I am looking for a partner who wants to keep growing and exploring and learning. I'm so excited about this realization, and it actually gives me some hope that I might find love one day after all, as I start to know myself and my goals better.

 

 

TL;DR - an old crush of mine is engaged; deep self-reflection ensues.  ;) 

 

My next challenge is going back to the Star Trek theme because I had an inspiration a couple of weeks ago to allegorize my thesis writing like an away mission; so I need to figure out my goals and get that ready to start right away in Week Zero. I've been focusing an awful lot on rest and self-care these last few weeks, but I suspect a little bit of kicking myself in the pants may be better for me than too much rest.  :P 

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 48

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

 

2022 Books in Progress:

When Strivings Cease  |  Happiness Workbook The Gifts of Imperfection  |  Mistborn  |

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I'd say no to the wedding if I were you. 

 

I don't buy that the young man has changed. He's acting differently for the time being. Toxic's gonna Toxic.

 

The relationship didn't fail because you are still growing, that is subconsciously putting the blame on yourself. The relationship failed because he did not respect boundaries.

 

I agree you are still growing and working on yourself, and I'm happy you've had the breakthrough you've had. That is some awesome processing. 

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Current Challenge

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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Agreeing with Tank (yet again) on saying no to the wedding. 

 

Good reflections and learning, but I have to say as a much older person, I'm still growing and building. One of the things I admire about my husband is that when I decide to follow a new passion, say fitness, and talk about it for way longer than I'm sure he's really interested, he is excited for me and the fact that I have found something I really love. Seems to me , you go through so many seasons in life, changing and growing along the way, and that you want your partner to appreciate that, and vise versa where they change and you are excited for them. I have friends who were stay at home moms, who have now gone back to school or started new careers. My point is we are always growing, and God is always teaching us new things

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Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

"If more of us valued food and cheer and song, above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world" J.R.R.Tolkien

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16 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'd say no to the wedding if I were you. 

 

I don't buy that the young man has changed. He's acting differently for the time being. Toxic's gonna Toxic.

 

The relationship didn't fail because you are still growing, that is subconsciously putting the blame on yourself. The relationship failed because he did not respect boundaries.

 

I agree you are still growing and working on yourself, and I'm happy you've had the breakthrough you've had. That is some awesome processing. 

 

I did initially start blaming myself right after the conversation - something along the lines of "see, he's not really as bad as I thought, if I had only given him time to trust me and stop manipulating me things might have been different". I'm very glad for my own sake that there is no opportunity for things to be different, because that voice is almost never correct, and in fact is quite dangerous.

 

But regarding blaming the failure of the relationship on my need to grow, I don't think I exactly meant that as my fault; more like, this is the reason that I'm really glad it didn't work out. I'm growing so much lately, and I don't want any relationship to jeopardize that. It's too important.

 

17 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Agreeing with Tank (yet again) on saying no to the wedding. 

 

Good reflections and learning, but I have to say as a much older person, I'm still growing and building. One of the things I admire about my husband is that when I decide to follow a new passion, say fitness, and talk about it for way longer than I'm sure he's really interested, he is excited for me and the fact that I have found something I really love. Seems to me , you go through so many seasons in life, changing and growing along the way, and that you want your partner to appreciate that, and vise versa where they change and you are excited for them. I have friends who were stay at home moms, who have now gone back to school or started new careers. My point is we are always growing, and God is always teaching us new things

 

Yes, so much this!!! I've seen too many couples where one partner or the other was kept from growing by a non-supportive spouse, and I really, really don't want that to happen to me. My parents have always been so supportive of each other's growth as they have changed and matured throughout the years, and I want a relationship with someone who will support my growth as I support his. We all have so much potential - I don't want to limit myself, just as I would never want someone to feel limited by being in a relationship with me!

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SKY ELVENWORD NOBLEHEART

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 48

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

 

2022 Books in Progress:

When Strivings Cease  |  Happiness Workbook The Gifts of Imperfection  |  Mistborn  |

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