Juliebarkley is trapped in a deep, dark hole

[juliebarkley]

****Short story edit to come tomorrow****

 

-----------------------------------------

 

This is so late that I almost wonder why I'm bothering, but then I remember: I need this.

 

I have been stuck in a negative headspace for several months. This is mostly due to a negative situation at work (spoilered to avoid boring you all, and also so I don't have to look at it when I come to update):

 

Spoiler

 

I worked for years to get the position that I have, in the location that I have. Until about a year ago, I loved it. I thought I would be here for a very long time. Then, my supervisor changed (permanent) and the other supervisor changed (temporary), and the dynamics of the position changed completely. The workplace used to be very collaborative. It felt like we were all listened to, and valued. Now, it is completely top-down, and no one's ideas but the supervisor's matter. My workload more than doubled, and I was assigned several things that though well within the job description, I had never done before (or only once or twice). I struggled, a lot, to handle the learning curve while still getting everything done on time and to a reasonable standard. I tried to bring up my concerns, but it didn't go well. I became anxious, and don't feel valued or like I can talk to anyone. I get regular critical comments from my supervisor, to the point where it seems she feels I am incompetent at my job. I have had several periods where I have gone into work literally shaking, just hoping that there isn't more in an email that is an assignment or fresh criticism. It feels like they (the two supervisors are so similar in attitude and work so closely, they may as well be one person) are trying to find a reason to get rid of me before the old supervisor comes back. I have been trying to hang on until then, as she is very understanding and this particular dynamic will hopefully be broken up, but it is very hard to keep hope when the anxiety is bad. I cannot drive and there is no other workplace in the area that I could transfer to, so I also feel trapped.

 

I have a performance review on Monday, and there are a few signs that it might not be a normal performance review. I'm worried.

 

The worst part is, this could all be the anxiety talking. I could absolutely be paranoid and misreading people's motives and intentions all over the place. The criticism and micromanaging could be intended to be helpful, and I have fully committed to the entirely wrong interpretation. They are not approachable people, so I may never know for sure.

 

 

The anxiety from work had bled over into the rest of my life, from niggling in the background to wrecking me mentally, depending on the day. I've been snappy and negative with people. I've not been doing things I find fun, because I have trouble relaxing and enjoying them. My sleep is sometimes affected. For the last three days, I have barely eaten anything at all. I sometimes go into a dark place where all I can see are the ways that I am currently failing at life. This is all self-destructive, and it has to stop.

 

This challenge is going to be about taking action to improve my negativity and take positive steps towards improving my life. I cannot change my work situation, but I can deal with my own reaction to it.

 

1. See the positive. I need to make the effort to actively seek out positivity every day. I will post on my challenge every day with something positive about myself (a trait or something I have accomplished), something positive about another person, and something positive about my work. I will also post something positive on someone else's challenge.

 

2. Regain my schedule. Do my morning routine - it has things like eating in it, and spiritual development for stability. Both good things. Also, exercise. If I am not up for a bodyweight workout - I need to set up a new routine - at least walk up and down the stairs while listening to a podcast. It's surprisingly fun.

 

3. Make progress. Do something to improve my life overall, small though it may be. Not a routine thing like vacuum, but something that need only be done once (or not often, anyway). I have a pile of clothing that needs repairs, recipe cards to go through, papers to process in various ways. And filing my taxes would be good, too. I have options.

 

4. Build a business. If I can be so badly affected by a change in management style, I really need to try to build myself some self-employment income! It really does help me feel less anxious by feeling less trapped. So, goal for this challenge is to finish listing all of my remaining books on Amazon. Bonus: review and revise the prices of already listed items.

 

I'm starting really, really late, but better late than never. If anyone is still reading, welcome!

[tei_]

Oh man, this sounds really tough on the job front. Good job on posting a challenge-- even if you can't control the way other people act at work, you can at least control your goals.

[Scaly Freak]

Better late than never. Obviously I am going to follow this thread.

 

Quick comment on your comment on Goal #4: It is perfectly normal to be this affected by a change at work, especially when it is the kind of change you're describing. That doesn't make you weird or more vulnerable than average. If anything, bringing it out in the open and attempting to do something about it makes you stronger than average, and is a good sign that you're going to make it through this. It might not feel like it right now, but feelings are unreliable anyway.

[juliebarkley]

On 3/3/2018 at 12:26 PM, tei_ said:

Good job on posting a challenge-- even if you can't control the way other people act at work, you can at least control your goals.

 

That's the idea!

22 hours ago, scalyfreak said:

Better late than never. Obviously I am going to follow this thread.

 

Quick comment on your comment on Goal #4: It is perfectly normal to be this affected by a change at work, especially when it is the kind of change you're describing. That doesn't make you weird or more vulnerable than average. If anything, bringing it out in the open and attempting to do something about it makes you stronger than average, and is a good sign that you're going to make it through this. It might not feel like it right now, but feelings are unreliable anyway.

 

Thanks, I really appreciate that.

 

I didn't quite manage my update yesterday, so here's yesterday:

 

1. See the positive.

Me: I learn from my mistakes, and try use them to improve myself.

Other Person: My son is so caring - he keeps asking me if I am okay. Of course, he thinks I am upset every time I take a deep breath, so it's become kind of funny, too.

Work: I sold some Hardy Boys to a man who remembered them from his childhood. I don't know whether they were for a grandchild or for himself, but I hope he enjoys them.

Posting: Posted on a few threads that hadn't been updated in a while.

 

2. Regain my schedule. I didn't do all of my morning routine, but I did do the most important parts. And I walked on the stairs.

 

3. Make progress. I didn't go out of my way to do anything here as it was late in the day when I finished an unexpected task. But I did put in a counteroffer for a house, so maybe that counts? Plan for today: start (and with any luck, finish) taxes.

 

4. Build a business. No progress yet here.  Will work on it if the taxes get done.

[juliebarkley]

1. See the positive.

Me: I am good at finding out things (like research, not snooping!).

Other Person: My mom is working on getting rid of some of her things, which I'm sure is hard for her, so I'm proud of her for that.

Work: I wasn't at work today, but I was thinking of the children's book club, and was glad that the kids are excited to get together and talk about books.

Posting: I read a few threads, but couldn't think of anything to say :(.

 

2. Regain my schedule. I once again didn't do the whole routine, but I did more than yesterday and all of the most important parts. I did not get my exercise in, however. Shortly before exercise time, something happened that made a horrible smell in the basement (designated exercise area) that wafted through the vents into the rest of the house. I think it smelled like car exhaust, but the other household peeps thought it smelled like something died. It came on so fast, there's no way it was an actual dead thing. Anyway, I wasn't going to exercise down there - it didn't seem healthy. I should have done some pushups or something upstairs, though.

 

3. Make progress. Got my taxes as far along as I could without the slips I need from the bank and investment people. Come on bank, get a move on! Also got rid of a few recipe cards and a little bit of paper.

 

4. Build a business. No progress yet here. Went to work on listing my stuff, but the internet suuuucked all day and it was not worth the hassle. So I go my accounting records up to date instead.

 

I have just realized, as I stare at my computer under a tea towel, that I should probably install the drive that came last week. That would be a good job for tomorrow! Tonight, I have to go to bed. My cat is waiting for me.

[juliebarkley]

Spoiler

Turns out my anxiety was justified. The meeting was a bad one. I am now on the equivalent of probation due to performing below standard. I have only ever had very positive evaluations before; this is new to me. Since all the information the manager gets is going to be coming from the people I am having problems with (and I have never spoken to her before this), I am not confident that I will make it, but I am hopeful. I have backed out of my house offer, since my job is at risk. I am also going to start shopping for other jobs, even if that means moving. I need to see what is out there.

 

I am going to remove saying good things about work in light of the goings on, but continue with the rest.

 

1. See the positive.

Me: I do not give up when things are difficult.

Other Person: My brother is always willing to help with computer stuff when we need it.

Posting: Done.

 

2. Regain my schedule. I felt really crappy by the time I got home and only wanted to watch videos on my phone while curled up in blankets. I walked home for my exercise today (5km).

 

3. Make progress. Am doing a few recipe cards now, and will work on more paper this evening.

 

4. Build a business. Listing this pile of books right now, and will finish it tonight. Still lots to go!

[WhiteGhost]

Hi, just found your challenge.  Sorry to hear about work, I know how tough that can be.  I hope things get better when the other manager gets back (if you can hang on that long) but in any case I hope things get better overall, even it means finding a new job.

[Scaly Freak]

11 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

 

I am going to remove saying good things about work in light of the goings on, but continue with the rest.

 

 

Good call. Goals need to be realistic.

 

I think looking for another job is a great idea. For one, it gives you a measure of control over the situation, which is a good thing. For another, it can be an eyeopener for supervisors when someone who has been with the company for X number of years suddenly leaves. Either way, it sounds like a change is needed for you to be happy with work again, and taking steps to make that change happen is never a bad thing.

[Seraphina]

I'm sorry to hear about your work situation. I went through something like that a couple years ago and ended up gaining 50 pounds and lost so much hair I had a bald spot after only a few months. It was a contract job, and I was bullied into resigning early on and then had to spend four more months with that awful boss.

I'm really glad that despite the situation, you're making the effort to take care of yourself and cope with it as best you can. It might feel weird coming from a total stranger, but I'm really proud of you and your efforts!

Sent from my E6603 using Tapatalk

[juliebarkley]

On 3/6/2018 at 12:55 AM, WhiteGhost said:

Hi, just found your challenge.  Sorry to hear about work, I know how tough that can be.  I hope things get better when the other manager gets back (if you can hang on that long) but in any case I hope things get better overall, even it means finding a new job.

 

On 3/6/2018 at 10:17 AM, scalyfreak said:

I think looking for another job is a great idea. For one, it gives you a measure of control over the situation, which is a good thing. For another, it can be an eyeopener for supervisors when someone who has been with the company for X number of years suddenly leaves. Either way, it sounds like a change is needed for you to be happy with work again, and taking steps to make that change happen is never a bad thing.

 

On 3/6/2018 at 12:51 PM, Seraphina said:

I'm sorry to hear about your work situation. I went through something like that a couple years ago and ended up gaining 50 pounds and lost so much hair I had a bald spot after only a few months. It was a contract job, and I was bullied into resigning early on and then had to spend four more months with that awful boss.

I'm really glad that despite the situation, you're making the effort to take care of yourself and cope with it as best you can. It might feel weird coming from a total stranger, but I'm really proud of you and your efforts!

Thanks everybody. I'm still hopeful for a turnaround as I was happy where I am, but of course that's no guarantee of being happy there in future. (Just trying to keep myself squeaky clean and survive for now). I am both looking at other options and really focusing on self-employment, too - it is my long-term goal.

 

And @Seraphina, I really hope that you have found a much better work situation, because that sounds just awful. I don't even know you, and I know you deserved better.

 

I missed posting yesterday not due to laziness, but due to migraine. But today, I am all better, so on with the good stuff:

 

1. See the positive.

Me: I work hard for what I want.

Other Person: My mom was so understanding when we had to back out of the house offer (she was going to live in the bottom level as a pseudo granny flat). I don't always feel supported by her, but I do now. She has her family's back.

Posting: Not yet.

 

2. Regain my schedule. I blew off morning routine today, oops. I will make sure to exercise before bed.

 

3. Make progress. I think I might grab some things out of my mending pile!

 

4. Build a business. I finished that pile on Monday, woo! I don't know if I'll get more done tonight or not. But I am on track to hit this goal.

[Scaly Freak]

Fuck expectations and all that other garbage. Migraines are evil. Sucky job situations are more evil. Screw them all. If they deserved you, they would treat you better.

 

If you need to take a break from accountability stuff, or working out, or anything else, in order to safeguard your mental health, all you have to do is say so. I've been in similar situations in the past, and I remember all to well the way the very sudden need for complete silence made the rest of my world cause pain. I'm not going to try and pretend that I know what you are going through - that would be rude and disrespectful since we're two very different people with different frames of reference for everything. I will say this though...missing a challenge goal because you had a migraine is perfectly okay. No one is going to hold that against you.

 

And you made progress on your third and fourth goal.That is a great and heroic thing that you need to celebrate. I'm basing that statement on the fact that my own mending pile is eighteen month's old and still growing older... and yes, I still think looking for another job is what you should be doing. Because you deserve a job where you're appreciated.

[Seraphina]

1 hour ago, juliebarkley said:

 

And @Seraphina, I really hope that you have found a much better work situation, because that sounds just awful. I don't even know you, and I know you deserved better.

 

Thank you! I did! I ended up completely changing careers, as the whole experience left a really bad taste in my mouth. My work life is now contented underemployment while I finish a degree

 

I'm glad you're getting things done in spite of the stress! 

[juliebarkley]

On 3/8/2018 at 1:20 AM, scalyfreak said:

Fuck expectations and all that other garbage. Migraines are evil. Sucky job situations are more evil. Screw them all. If they deserved you, they would treat you better.

 

If you need to take a break from accountability stuff, or working out, or anything else, in order to safeguard your mental health, all you have to do is say so. I've been in similar situations in the past, and I remember all to well the way the very sudden need for complete silence made the rest of my world cause pain. I'm not going to try and pretend that I know what you are going through - that would be rude and disrespectful since we're two very different people with different frames of reference for everything. I will say this though...missing a challenge goal because you had a migraine is perfectly okay. No one is going to hold that against you.

 

And you made progress on your third and fourth goal.That is a great and heroic thing that you need to celebrate. I'm basing that statement on the fact that my own mending pile is eighteen month's old and still growing older... and yes, I still think looking for another job is what you should be doing. Because you deserve a job where you're appreciated.

 

Just ... thank you. For all of it. For everything.

 

I'm here because it helps my mental health. Doing something, feeling like I can control and make progress in something when other things are out of control, helps me a lot. A lot.

 

And yeah, I don't feel bad about missing stuff that day for migraine reasons. It was impossible. Can't fight impossible.

 

Should I even say that my mending pile is even older than yours?

 

Missed posting yesterday because I actually just forgot. Oops.

 

1. See the positive.

Me: I try to help others when they need help.

Other Person: My fellow Beaver leader came in to work for a chat. She goes out of her way to see and talk to me, and I appreciate that (I have no friends IRL, really).

Posting: Supported someone by challenging them to pushups when they were down! Today, I haven't done it yet (but I will).

 

2. Regain my schedule. I did most of my morning routine, but not all. Still working on getting to all. Exercise will happen after this post. Probably just more stair walking, with a little ring play and pushups because it's fun.

 

3. Make progress. I actually mended 5 things in about an hour yesterday. I was surprised that it took so little time. Who knew that I just needed to get down to work to make this sucker smaller? Of course, the difficult items are the ones buried deeper... Who knows what I shall discover tonight?

 

4. Build a business. I have finished my book pile except for unlisted and otherwise weird books! *happy dance* Now that that is done, I have no more to do on this mini-business until I get more supply. Sooo, I can think about what I want to work on next!

 

It has actually been a pretty good day. Only small swellings of anxiety, which I was able to breathe through quickly. Felt productive with lots of things. That in itself always makes me feel like it was a good day, I have just realized. Need to eat more before bed, but I can do that and watch Youtube at the same time, so I can totally make that happen.

[Scaly Freak]

8 minutes ago, juliebarkley said:

 

Should I even say that my mending pile is even older than yours?

 

 

My "pile" is three items. Your move.

 

Spoiler

And you're welcome. Of course.

 

[juliebarkley]

On 3/9/2018 at 11:54 PM, scalyfreak said:

My "pile" is three items. Your move.

 

My pile has items from when my son was in diapers (he is 12). I paid to send them across an ocean when I moved. What do I win?

 

Spoiler

Work yesterday really caught me off-guard. I was expecting it to be good, as Saturday = busy and busy = time flying. However, I got an email from the former supervisor that she has taken another position and won't be coming back. It's a good fit for her and I'm happy for her, but I will miss her. That also pushed me over the need-to-look-for-another-job edge. And I haven't even had my second meeting or talked to a union person yet! Feels like things are happening fast, but also so slow.

 

Yesterday was kind of a fail. I got home from work and went to sleep for three hours - no routine. I can't even remember if I posted on anyone's thread; I wasn't in a very good place mentally. But! I did do some exercise and also repaired two items from my mending pile, so it could have been worse.

 

Today was better. I woke up all stressy and anxious, but have finished the day not so. Why? Because I have been taking action and researching job opportunities. And tomorrow, I will look at other options within the same company. I know my pay will drop quite a bit if I have to leave, but it is very reassuring to see that there are indeed options even if the worst happens (or if I decide to jump). I have a couple of applications all lined up for tomorrow.

 

1. See the positive.

Me: I am a good and loving pet parent.

Other Person: I didn't even manage to make my son food, and he offered me food when he saw I hadn't eaten anything. Aw.

Posting: I will try, but I don't have a lot of time left!

 

2. Regain my schedule. Basically did my morning routine today, more completely than any day this week anyway. No exercise yet, but I will do a little before I head off to bed.

 

3. Make progress. Mended one item and took another sewing project that I had barely begun and will never complete apart. Also, pulled out a bunch of items that aren't worth repairing. 5 items removed in total!

 

4. Build a business. Worked on researching jobs, as I mentioned above. Also, emailed to attempt to reactivate an old work-at-home account which pays reasonably well. I have a few ideas of other online places to try out that I have never pursued. This work stress could end up being a blessing if it knocks me out of my comfortable norm and towards my dream of location-independent work.

 

I guess this is the end of the challenge. I have no idea what to do for next time. My life feels so up in the air that picking challenge goals feels very hard. But I will. After all, if we wait for the perfect time, we never do anything, right?

 

[Scaly Freak]

6 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

 

My pile has items from when my son was in diapers (he is 12). I paid to send them across an ocean when I moved. What do I win?

 

Bragging rights?  

 

7 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

I guess this is the end of the challenge. I have no idea what to do for next time. My life feels so up in the air that picking challenge goals feels very hard. But I will. After all, if we wait for the perfect time, we never do anything, right?

 

 

Maybe something exercise related? Alternatively, break down the schedule you want to regain into individual components and turn one or two of them into a part of the challenge? And you're making progress on the job front, maybe continued progress there can be a goal as well?

 

I'm in a similar situation as you are with the upcoming challenge, I will need to start over with a lot of things. I'm going to try and shoot for easy/simple things this time around and will probably repeat goals from previous challenges.

[juliebarkley]

New challenge!

 

https://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/107249-juliebarkley-gets-a-job/