Seraphina Rises

[Seraphina]

 

Hi, I'm Seraphina. Backstory below...

Spoiler

I was the "chubby kid" who was all too painfully aware of it, because literally everyone, even my family, made fun of me and made me feel ashamed for being fat. Yet they never helped me make good choices or taught me how to eat right or kept me away from the foods that made me fat. Because of the unhealthy environment I grew up in, I've struggled with food addiction my whole life. I've struggled with eating disorders and other mental health issues as well, and I spent a year and a half in therapy trying to figure out how to get a better handle on those things. And... it's better now than it's ever been, but I still have a ways to go, and I'm still obese.
 

I also have PCOS and all of the fun (/s) things that come along with that.

 

I have given weight loss a try many times, and I lose anywhere from 5 pounds to 75 pounds, but I never reach my goal and I never keep it off. I'm looking to change that. I realized what I was doing before is the very definition of insanity. I would try x diet, overhauling my whole lifestyle overnight and expected it to stick through sheer willpower. 

 

I have dubbed my struggle as being akin to fighting a hydra... it's an ugly beast that adapts by branching off in different directions when it's cut down. So instead of trying to fight 5 heads at once, I'm here hacking away, one at a time. For the first time ever, I feel as though I can actually do this. I'm super excited, and I feel as though my life has changed in huge ways already.

 

For fitness at the moment, I'm working my way through the 30DS, trying to get myself used to circuit training. I like the efficiency of circuit training. Recently I hurt my ankle (aggravated an old injury), so I've just been walking and trying to increase my overall activity level while it calms tf down. 

 

I'm new to NF and I just finished my first challenge. I was so pumped to start the next one, and I just found out it doesn't start tomorrow like I thought.

 

 

What is this BREAK business? 

 

I'm not taking a break from smashing my goals, so I'm here for accountability, commiseration, and camaraderie. 

[Seraphina]

I've decided to do a week long quest to help me gear up for the next challenge.

Main quest: No sweets at work, reduce consumption at home.

This quest will get me ready to completely ditch sweets most of the time. I'm basically going to plan/ration out what I have at home so that I'm gradually eating less each day. At the end of the week I expect to have 0 sweets left at home.

Work is pretty easy. The hardest days are Mondays and Tuesdays because of the lady that brings in 4 dozen homemade cookies every week without fail. Beyond that there's not much temptation, but I think it's important to draw the line going forward.

Secondary quest: Spring cleaning.
Being a full time grad student in my last semester and working has really taken a toll on my apartment. Cleaning has not been a priority at all. I'm going to deep clean my place over the week and weekend.

I wanted to do a fitness goal, but my ankle is fucked, and now I'm dealing with an angry uterus as well (thanks to a T-shaped copper device hanging out in my womb). I'm going to load up on ibuprofen and do a little weed (p.s. I love living in a place where it's legal and I can actually buy it from a store and use it as medicine) to bring down the inflammation on both fronts.
 

[Seraphina]

Welp, I got mad stressed at work and ate two cookies. rip

 

I really need to take it easy and pause once in a while, but I have this strong fear that I can't do that. I'm afraid I'll fall behind on everything I need to do, and I already don't accomplish everything I want to. I have long periods of low productivity when I'm depressed followed by periods of frantic hyper-productivity once I'm no longer depressed.

 

 

Things will be better once I get off bc, because it contributes to this cycle in a big way. One more month and I'm out of them!

 

[Seraphina]

Still struggling... 

 

Since the first challenge ended, I've had delivery 3 times. During the challenge I had it 0 times. It's like something in my brain broke, and was like 

I've been dealing with the fallout, the guilt, the upset stomach.

 

Ugh.

 

Time to pick myself up again and keep moving forward. I installed ColdTurkey on my computer and blocked every single delivery web site until 2021 and locked up the software as well so I can't fuck with it. It's a barrier that will be helpful, I think, especially because it's 0 effort on my part now that it's set up.

 

I don't think I'm that much of a junkie that I'd start using my phone instead, and I definitely would be opposed to calling. I hate talking on the phone.

 

We'll see. I want to stop. I can't believe how fast my brain goes right back to what it was doing before, like my previous efforts never even happened.

[Seraphina]

So far so good on no delivery. ColdTurkey is working as a good barrier. I thought about doing it yesterday and then realized it was blocked on my computer, and that was the end of it. The impulse died. It's interesting how convenience/laziness work in the human brain. A small barrier (a web block) is working quite well so far.

 

I feel like I spend a lot of time and energy trying to outsmart myself. I guess that is a big part of the mental portion of this battle if you're a self-sabotager and a rationalizer. Yes, I just made up those words.

 

I'm a little nervous going into the challenge... I think I'll be able to handle the main quest just fine through the whole challenge, but my boyfriend will be here for the entire first week of the challenge. He's not normally around. I don't feel comfortable working out in front of him. I'll definitely get the daily walking in, though, since we like to go out and do things when he visits me. Definitely will be hitting up the local trail, walking downtown, and planning a visit to a national park over break as well. So I should still be pretty active even if I don't get in my formal workouts for the first week. I'll definitely do circuit training on Sunday... and if I fit something in on Monday before he gets here, then I'd be set for the week and wouldn't have to worry about not meeting that goal.

 

I think I'll be able to meditate each morning while he's here. I can always just close myself up in the bathroom in the morning to get the alone time. 

 

I'm ready.

[Seraphina]

Meditated but not sure if it was 5 minutes or not... not going to count time or worry about it, just going to make the effort. 

 

I haven't worked out, which means the only activity this week will be walking around and being out and about with the boyfriend. My ankle has been continually inflamed. I think the added walking is keeping it grumpy. IUD has been poking me too, which is annoying. I say poke, but really it feels like being stabbed from the inside. It's quite painful. I've been taking ibuprofen, but it's a band-aid. I really need to lose weight in order for these issues to be better. The increased pressure/weight is a big factor in the inflammation for both of these issues that restrict my activity. Ironies upon ironies.

 

Speaking of, I had to uninstall the ColdTurkey app & extension already. It was randomly closing my browser for no reason and interfering with the performance of my other extensions. I may try another application like it if I struggle after my boyfriend leaves, because it was working as a barrier. Hopefully I don't even need it.

 

Weighed in early since the boyfriend arrives this afternoon. Scale said I gained 6 pounds in less than a week. 

 

I want to ditch sugar, but I'm really nervous because I know it's going to make me hungry/feel bad for a while. It's been my way to cope with stress, anxiety, and depression. 

 

It me:

True story, I was legitimately afraid of Cookie Monster as a young child. Maybe it was one of those "stare long into the abyss" fears.

[The Battle Chef]

Adding more fats into my diet has helped me handle some of the sugar cravings.  KEEP AT IT.

[Seraphina]

On 3/19/2018 at 11:04 AM, Azukmul gro-Dragnar said:

Adding more fats into my diet has helped me handle some of the sugar cravings.  KEEP AT IT.

Yeah! I definitely need to do that... I have to find stuff I like/can tolerate when it comes to that. I really dislike mayo and cream-based stuff, and can't do a lot of butter or oil without upsetting my stomach. So... avocados???????? 

 

It's funny, having been raised on that whole "low fat" thing, really doesn't give you a good idea of what fat sources are out there.

 

I'll definitely look into it and experiment!

[Seraphina]

Boyfriend is doing work stuff for a bit, so I'll update.

 

I'm totally out of my routine and freaking out about not getting enough done for my thesis. I'm supposed to have my analysis done by the end of the break, which consists of reviewing and analyzing 28 different research studies. I've done 8 on the break and did a handful before that (6 or 7? I haven't stopped to count because I'm scared). 

 

Not eating great, but still trying to be intuitive and sort out the difference between the junkie voice and my actual needs. Tough to do sometimes.

[Seraphina]

Yesterday involved crying and ordering delivery because boo-hoo my boyfriend is gone and I can't see him again for more than 2 weeks and also school is hard.

It me

 

Today I decided I wasn't going to do that again, so I had some healthy food instead. If I slip up with delivery again, I'll probably look into another web block software to try. For now I feel good, like I did the right thing resisting the urge today. It's really addictive for me, so if I can stop it in its tracks by not having 2 days in a row, it goes a long way in not doing it again.  

[The Battle Chef]

[Seraphina]

Quick update, since I weighed in. 

 

Lost 2 pounds, so that's cool. 

 

I wish I had more time to read the forums but I am so swamped with school and work stuff this week. Luckily I think it will slow down by the weekend. 

I'm already tired tomorrow

 

[Seraphina]

Decided to stay home today. Doing some work from home, but not at the level of intensity it's been all week. I think it will do me a lot of good mentally and physically to rest up a little today. 

 

I've pushed really hard this week and met my deadlines, so the upcoming week should be a lot easier. I'll be back to my usual level of busy instead of insanity mode, haha.

 

I just finished meal-planning for next week! After not meal planning since, uh, last semester, I decided laying it out would be the best thing for me to do now that I have time. Also, I have not been feeling meat lately. I don't eat much to begin with: I was a vegetarian for too long at a young age and can no longer tolerate beef, and I don't like pork. So this is really not a big deal or a big change, just more of me trying to listen to my body. Since I axed dairy as well I've been looking at vegan recipes and I'm trying two new ones this week (they're in red).

	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
12	Breakfast burritos	Tofu Peanut Bowl	Tofu Peanut Bowl	Mac n Cheeze	Mac n Cheeze	Breakfast burritos	Supergreens Pasta
4	Tofu Peanut Bowl	Salad	Convenience Meal	On Campus	Salad	Convenience meal	Breakfast burritos
7	Convenience meal	Lentil Pasta	Mac n Cheeze*	Snack (tend not to be as hungry)	Lentil Pasta	Mac n Cheeze	Tofu Peanut Bowl*

 

The stuff in red is the inflexible stuff, aka, days I have to cook or do those things.... everything else is flexible! The "convenience meals" are frozen meals... at the moment I have a couple Amy's bowls and vegan pad thai from Saffron Road. I don't want to do more than 3 convenience meals a week though since I'm trying to make as much at home as I can. I still need the flexibility though, so I'm not ready to axe frozen meals yet. I do 16:8 IF too... that's what the times are on the left.

[Seraphina]

Y'all. I made that Tofu Peanut Bowl, and it's seriously one of the best things I've made in a while.

 

I was in and out of the kitchen in an hour and made 4 meals out of it.

I'm like this guy at the Celine Dion concert rn

 

I'm super excited to make the vegan macaroni and cheese tomorrow. 

 

I'm not really surprised though. I knew that I liked these foods. I just rode the low carb/Paleo train for so long that I kept myself away from healthy foods that I truly enjoy. That train is not for me, and I don't think I'll ever even try to go back to it at this point. One week into low carb and I'm dragging my ass everywhere and feeling like shit, every time, as my body adjusts. It's not sustainable for me at all.

 

One week into plant-based foods, on the other hand, and I feel amazing. I have substantially more energy.

[Seraphina]

Weighed in today, per usual. No weight loss in the last week. But no weight gain either. It's also period week so I'm just happy it's not more weight gain. I've had enough of that. 

 

I've been slipping up on closing my eating window at night. It's supposed to be 8, but sometimes I find myself making something to eat at 8 or even 9-10. I need to tighten that shit up because it causes me to consume too much food. 

 

I also need to stop getting stoned for that reason. High me does not care about eating windows or skincare or meditation or anything, lol. Mental health-wise, I'm in a better place lately and don't really feel much need to use pot. 

 

Next week I go to New Orleans. I'm not going to restrict my food or alcohol choices while I'm traveling since it's only 2 days there and 2 days on the road. It will be my boyfriend and I's first sort of vacation together, so that should be lots of fun. I'm presenting a poster of some research I did at the American Association of Geography conference, so I'll be leveling up my academic/professional skills while I'm there too. I get back Sunday and don't weigh until Wednesday, so I should shed most of the travel bloat by the time I weigh in after the trip.

 

	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
12	Mac n Cheeze	Mac n Cheeze	Mac n Cheeze	Traveling			Supergreens Pasta
4	Convenience meal	Salad	Salad				Breakfast burritos
7	Convenience meal	Supergreens Pasta	Convenience Meal				Mac n Cheeze*

 

Original mac n cheeze recipe was a total bust. I'm trying one with cashews and different vegetables and flavoring for the cheese sauce this time. It uses potatoes, carrots, and nutritional yeast, all of which are things I like.

 

I should fix my meal plan so they don't start on a Saturday, lol. I'm confusing myself at this point. I think I'll reset it after traveling since I get back on Sunday. 

[Seraphina]

Briefly bringing back the Bad Wolf to say "no more".

 

I was in a pretty bad car accident. "Pretty bad" is relative, but for me, it was pretty bad. My car is gone. I have a host of (minor) injuries, some of which didn't appear right  away even. I had a mild concussion, chipped teeth, respiratory distress and bloody/irritated nostrils from inhaling all the crap from the airbag, pulled muscles in my legs/aggravation in my hip and ankle from slamming on the brakes, air bag burns and bruising on my arm, seatbelt burns and bruising on my neck and chest, a huge bruise/broken blood vessels/surface wound from my cell phone slamming into my stomach, and the usual whiplash/soreness that comes from bodily trauma.

 

Not to mention the guilt/shame/stress of dealing with everything that comes with an accident that involves another driver/totaling your car in another state. The fact that, at the moment, when I get into my rental car to drive to work or wherever I need to go (because I can't not drive, thanks America), I shake uncontrollably with fear and anxiety.

 

Okay, yeah, it was pretty bad.

 

But it's time to say "no more" to the pity party that involves things counter to my health and well-being. It's time to stop seeking comfort in food, even if, for now, the consequences haven't really shown up on the scale and my stomach issues are actually getting better at the moment. I still have stuck to not having 2 deliveries in a row, which helps it from getting out of control. But delivery every other day is still a problem and will cause me to gain weight over the long term. It's just too many damn calories, no matter what kind of choices I make. Same with the sweets and dairy... It needs to end. I'm going back through sugar withdrawal again because I had tons of sugar and alcohol in New Orleans. I have some juice and dried fruit to help when it gets really bad, and I need to use it.

 

I already know what to do. This is just my "I'm getting back on track" post. I took it easy for most of this week to help recover from what happened, but now it's time to pick up the 
damn reins and get back on track.

 

[TGP]

thats really hard seraphina but as you say.  you can totally come out of this stronger and better.

I love the imagery and symbollism in this particular Doctor who sketch.  its one of the strongest (imho) that the franchise has ever made.  I hope you have a rapid recovery.  

 

[ladyofthebog]

oh shiz, i'm sorry that this happened to you. kudos to you for such an empowered point of view.

 

i also commented because i want to thank you for sharing that man at the celine dion concert. amazing. i'm smiling thinking about it and now am going to scroll up to watch again a++

[ladyofthebog]

now i am going to go watch the music video for it's all coming back to me because that is also gold, oozying chocolate fudge delicious and, therefore, good for mood

 

 

[Seraphina]

On 4/20/2018 at 2:10 PM, TGP said:

thats really hard seraphina but as you say.  you can totally come out of this stronger and better.

I love the imagery and symbollism in this particular Doctor who sketch.  its one of the strongest (imho) that the franchise has ever made.  I hope you have a rapid recovery.  

 

Thank you! I think so too.

 

It's definitely my favorite part of Doctor Who, and Rose is still my favorite companion... Clara is a close 2nd. 

[Seraphina]

4 hours ago, ladyofthebog said:

oh shiz, i'm sorry that this happened to you. kudos to you for such an empowered point of view.

 

i also commented because i want to thank you for sharing that man at the celine dion concert. amazing. i'm smiling thinking about it and now am going to scroll up to watch again a++

Omg I'm glad you appreciated that GIF, it cracks me up 

 

Also, thank you!

[Seraphina]

4 hours ago, ladyofthebog said:

now i am going to go watch the music video for it's all coming back to me because that is also gold, oozying chocolate fudge delicious and, therefore, good for mood

 

 

The video is so cheesy... It reminds me of the Meatball one (I'd do anything for love) a lot, to the point where I feel like it was her #1 inspiration 

[Amazon Ninja]

Hi! I'm pretty new to NF as well and I'm also looking for accountability. If you want we can help each other out!  

[Seraphina]

13 minutes ago, Amazon Ninja said:

Hi! I'm pretty new to NF as well and I'm also looking for accountability. If you want we can help each other out!  

Welcome! I recommend checking out the 4 week challenge if you haven't already. That really helped me get started here and I made some NF friends in the process! 

[The Battle Chef]

SPOT CHECK!  You alive?