The Sky Voyager: Away Mission

[Chris-Tien Jinn]

1 hour ago, SkyGirl said:

I'm just looking forward to graduating and becoming an adult and making my own decisions on what I want to apply for and run for and take on. I'm sure I'll learn the hard way about taking on too much, but - I want to see what I can do.

 

This is the most wonderful part about graduating.  And yea, sometimes we take on too much, but somehow it gets done anyway.  I hope you can take some time for yourself this weekend and do some self-care and depressurize.  

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Is there any way to get a new advisor?

[SkyGirl]

3 hours ago, Chris-Tien Jinn said:

 

This is the most wonderful part about graduating.  And yea, sometimes we take on too much, but somehow it gets done anyway.  I hope you can take some time for yourself this weekend and do some self-care and depressurize.  

 

Before coming back to grad school, I worked for 10 months as a research administrator ... in the evenings, I could relax, do things I enjoyed, meet up with friends, and so on. And that was back before I started working out, when I was overweight and had no energy. I'm so excited to see what I'll be able to do with free evenings once I have a job I love, can drive, and get my workout routine reestablished! There'll be no stopping me!   

 

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Is there any way to get a new advisor?

 

Technically yes, but practically no. My department is too small and political.   

[SkyGirl]

I've spent my afternoon apartment-hunting for the summer, and I feel something in between terribly grown-up and mature, and also ready to crawl under a blankie and watch a Disney movie.    Everything in the D.C. metro area is either at least twice as much as I pay in my small Midwestern town, or it's a sketchy sublease that would require using a college student's bed until he finds a new place to live.  *gag*  Not having a car complicates things too - except for one super sketchy place, all of the places I've found so far require at least a 60-minute bus ride to get from home to Goddard. So back to the roommate hunt we go. I would prefer to live alone rather than living with a stranger, but I'd rather live with a stranger than ride on a public bus for an hour every morning and evening.

 

I explained to my advisor what happened with the grad rep nomination, and she replied with a cheerful email saying it was up to me what I wanted to do, she was just doing her "job" of letting me know when she had reservations about something.  *facepalm*   I can't help but wonder how much of my resentment is because of my bad experiences in my previous program, rather than her actually being harsh or rude. Every time she says I'm not living up to someone's standards, I am immediately yanked back to those horrible hours of being helplessly picked apart by two or three or even four professors at a time as they tried to figure out how their "star student" failed their program so miserably. It was a scarring experience that I instantly project onto her every time she reminds me that I have poor time management and can't make any of her deadlines. So even though I actually think she's trying to help, in a parental / counselor way, it's almost impossible for me to listen to her advice. Maybe I should talk to her about that sometime.

 

Tonight dinner will be small, because today was a grocery shopping day and that means consuming copious amounts of leftovers to make room for the new food.    I ate three fat slices of a calzone, a large glass of grape juice, and an apple for lunch. I'll probably have cereal or a yogurt for dinner. And do one of Adriene's yoga-for-when-you're-stressed videos before I start on my stats homework.   

[Cheetah]

I love Adriene.  She's the best.  :-). Good luck with the apartment and roommate search.

[Dusk]

4 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Maybe I should talk to her about that sometime.

 

Yes, I think maybe you should consider it, if this is affecting your relationship with your advisor so much.

 

4 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

one of Adriene's yoga-for-when-you're-stressed videos

 

I am very interested in this. Link?

 

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time finding an apartment! I don't envy you the task of looking for housing in D.C. Could you contact anyone in the program for help/suggestions? Are there other interns you could get ahold of to share with?

[SkyGirl]

12 hours ago, Shadri said:

Yes, I think maybe you should consider it, if this is affecting your relationship with your advisor so much.

 

We talked about it a lot last year, when we were first getting to know each other, but she forgot and I didn't realize it was still affecting me so much. That's been almost 2 years ago and I thought I was over it; but even just describing it on my thread the other day brought up surprisingly strong emotions.   

 

12 hours ago, Shadri said:

I am very interested in this. Link?

 

This was the one I did yesterday and it was great, but it wasn't specifically for stress ... she has quite a few for stress (here, here, here) but I can't remember right now which ones I've done and which ones I haven't.    I always feel good after her videos, though, even the ones that aren't specifically for stress.

 

12 hours ago, Shadri said:

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time finding an apartment! I don't envy you the task of looking for housing in D.C. Could you contact anyone in the program for help/suggestions? Are there other interns you could get ahold of to share with?

 

I've contacted four or five other interns and have been talking with three of them, but so far they all either have places or want to room alone. I did find one place yesterday that offered short-term leases, which would be awesome because I wouldn't have to sublet, but it was one of those that required an hour-long bus commute. So I just haven't found the perfect combination of location, price, and transportation yet.   

[Dusk]

5 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

 

We talked about it a lot last year, when we were first getting to know each other, but she forgot and I didn't realize it was still affecting me so much. That's been almost 2 years ago and I thought I was over it; but even just describing it on my thread the other day brought up surprisingly strong emotions.   

 

Mmm, yeah. It'd be good for you to talk to at least someone about it. Maybe run it by your counselor/therapist next time you go in for an appointment, for starters? If it still brings up those kind of raw feelings, maybe it'd be better to have a neutral sounding board first before you talk to your advisor about it. 

 

5 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

 

This was the one I did yesterday and it was great, but it wasn't specifically for stress ... she has quite a few for stress (here, here, here) but I can't remember right now which ones I've done and which ones I haven't.    I always feel good after her videos, though, even the ones that aren't specifically for stress.

 

Thank you! I've watched a few of her videos and they're all great, but I get stressed out so easily (and especially with grad school starting in August, eep!) I will have to bookmark these to watch when needed.  

 

5 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

 

I've contacted four or five other interns and have been talking with three of them, but so far they all either have places or want to room alone. I did find one place yesterday that offered short-term leases, which would be awesome because I wouldn't have to sublet, but it was one of those that required an hour-long bus commute. So I just haven't found the perfect combination of location, price, and transportation yet.   

 

Ah, ok! Well, I hope you can find the ideal apartment soon! I will keep you in my prayers.

[SkyGirl]

5 hours ago, Shadri said:

Mmm, yeah. It'd be good for you to talk to at least someone about it. Maybe run it by your counselor/therapist next time you go in for an appointment, for starters? If it still brings up those kind of raw feelings, maybe it'd be better to have a neutral sounding board first before you talk to your advisor about it.

 

I was thinking the same thing. I have an appointment this week, and I'm going to bring it up.    My counselor doesn't often give concrete advice - she's more of a Socratic counselor who encourages me to think through to my own answer - but maybe she can help a little more specifically with this issue.

 

5 hours ago, Shadri said:

Thank you! I've watched a few of her videos and they're all great, but I get stressed out so easily (and especially with grad school starting in August, eep!) I will have to bookmark these to watch when needed.  

 

Yessss, I'm sure you've heard it already, but self-care is so important in grad school. You will be constantly swamped with demands on your time, energy, and mental space; and learning how to create safe bubbles where you can sleep, eat right, exercise your body, and do things you enjoy is massively important. I know from experience that if you don't take time to tend to yourself, you will burn out and Lose All Ability to Even. About Anything. It's a nasty place to be.

 

5 hours ago, Shadri said:

Ah, ok! Well, I hope you can find the ideal apartment soon! I will keep you in my prayers.

 

Thank you sweet friend!! You're the best!  *fistbump of awesomeness*

[SkyGirl]

Today was a good day. I woke up early and went with a friend to church; and since I'd had a couple of really deep spiritual conversations with friends on Friday and Saturday, I woke up primed for a wonderful experience, and that's exactly what I had.    The message was excellent, and the music was joyful and powerful. Sometimes I struggle to "get into" church services at non-fundamentalist churches because my brain still wants services to be like the ones I grew up with, but today I let go and threw myself into listening and singing and worshiping, and it was lovely.

 

This afternoon we FaceTimed with my grandma who is in a nursing home, and that was nice but difficult ... her dementia and depression have gotten significantly worse since she moved there last year, and it's tough to watch her memory and comprehension slipping away. Today when I told her about my internship, her first response was to say excitedly, "Oh, I can't wait to tell Grandpa!" - but my grandpa has been dead for almost 10 years.    So that's rough. But she was happy to see us, and even though we repeated all our news two or three times, she was just as excited to hear it each time we retold it.    It's a priority for me to get up and visit her before I leave for Washington.

 

Tomorrow will be holing up someplace quiet and working on stats all day ... I'm going to try to get a lot of my own work done while my advisor is out of town, and that includes finally going to the counselor on Thursday and having her help me unload some of this junk I've been picking through for the last five weeks since I saw her. Some of it, I don't even need help with - I just want to talk through it.   

 

I've forgotten to keep track of points the last few days!! Here is what I remember:

 

Tuvok:

Awake by 9AM today : +1

Will be in bed by 1AM today: +1

 

Paris:

30 minutes of yoga yesterday: +1

15 pushups yesterday: +1

 

Total:

+2 Tuvok

+2 Paris

 

Also, I learned tonight that the serving size of animal crackers is only 9 crackers, and ... my whole life is destroyed now.

 

 

[Elastigirl]

15 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

lso, I learned tonight that the serving size of animal crackers is only 9 crackers, and ... my whole life is destroyed now.

 

As long as your life is destroyed already, I thought I'd mention that a serving of ice cream is 1/2 cup, and cereal, I think it's like two bites or something

[SkyGirl]

31 minutes ago, Elastigirl said:

As long as your life is destroyed already, I thought I'd mention that a serving of ice cream is 1/2 cup, and cereal, I think it's like two bites or something

 

 

[SkyGirl]

All right. Today is the beginning of a new week; and even though my morning hasn't gone like I'd hoped, I am going to seize this afternoon and this week and make it bow to my wishes. This is going to be a good week, dangit.

 

 

 

I am here.

 

I am here because I was brought to this time and this place for a reason.

 

I am here because I have been given a job to do and a purpose to fulfill.

 

I am here, not because I am unique, but because I was chosen from among many others like me and equipped for the needs of this moment.

 

This is the life I have been given - not some other life, not some other purpose, not some other place.

 

This one is mine.

 

I will see and hear; I will go harder, push through, speak up, reach down, and I will rise up.

 

I am a Ranger.

 

I am a Rebel.

 

Forces of darkness, fear me.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

5 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

I am here.

 

I am here because I was brought to this time and this place for a reason.

 

I am here because I have been given a job to do and a purpose to fulfill.

 

I am here, not because I am unique, but because I was chosen from among many others like me and equipped for the needs of this moment.

 

This is the life I have been given - not some other life, not some other purpose, not some other place.

 

This one is mine.

 

I will see and hear; I will go harder, push through, speak up, reach down, and I will rise up.

 

I am a Ranger.

 

I am a Rebel.

 

Forces of darkness, fear me.

The Paladin in my really, really likes the last line. The rest of me likes the whole thing, a lot.

[jonfirestar]

17 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

his is going to be a good week, dangit.

Yeah! 

[annyshay]

[SkyGirl]

I was going to update yesterday, but once I got home, I was so tired that I decided not to turn my computer on ... I've been slightly sick since Monday night; yesterday there was a tornado near my city, and we had to shelter in place during my stats class; and then the wind howled at 40 miles per hour all night and rattled my windows so I didn't get much sleep. And then today it's snowing.  *facepalm*  I love the Midwest. I mean, I actually do love the Midwest. But our weather is crazy.

 

 

I'm feeling very "stuck" these last few days - simultaneously angry and frustrated with myself for continuing to fail at the things that are supposedly important to me, and also powerless to make changes. I don't understand it. I want to go to bed early, yet I sit and scroll through stupid social media posts for an hour before finally dragging myself off to bed. I want to get up early, but I roll over and hit the alarm every single stupid morning, knowing full well that I will wake up angry at myself for an umpteenth straight morning. I want to work out, I think? But then I just ... don't. I'd love to blame it on willpower fatigue or something else external, but I don't think I fairly can. I'm just plain old not doing stuff. And I don't like it one bit. 

 

So I need to figure something out. Get a buddy, get a louder alarm, set alarms to make myself go to bed - something needs to be done. I've worked too hard to slip back toward my old habits - I don't care how busy I am, or how stressed I am; I'll feel better and be better able to attend to the non-physical stuff I'm working on if I have a disciplined, consistent early-rising schedule and if I work out consistently at least twice a week. I just will. Whatever this block is, I've got to get it out of my way.

 

Tomorrow I have a counseling appointment for the first time in about six weeks ... I have a lot I could talk about, but I've decided to focus on the young man's engagement, which I need to talk through, and my advisor issues, which I need help solving/correcting/managing.  

 

Here's what I have accomplished:

 

Tuvok:

Will be in bed by 1AM: +1

 

Neelix:

< 2 servings of dairy today: +2

< 200 liquid calories: +2

 

Total:

+1 Tuvok

+4 Neelix

 

Edit: I actually landed in bed at 1:08, but I'm not going to take my point away because I was waiting for my brother to vacate the bathroom, and I did 30 knee push-ups and a 30-second plank while I waited, for +2 Paris points.

[jonfirestar]

4 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Get a buddy, get a louder alarm

How about putting your alarm out of reach so you actually have to get up to shut it off? 

 

For myself I sometimes have to set 'no-compromise' targets on some things. Like going for a run at 5:30am. That's a very easy time of day for my brain to not want to do it but I can discipline myself enough that I can get up and get out without giving myself much time to talk myself out of it. Anyway that works for me for the kind of things that just need to be started (like working out). It doesn't work so well for more nebulous 'all the time' kind of goals. 

 

  

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

3 hours ago, jonfirestar said:

How about putting your alarm out of reach so you actually have to get up to shut it off? 

I agree with jonfirestar TM.

 

I would say the issue is not you going to bed, it's you being on your phone. Instead of beating yourself up for staying awake, why not focus on the phone that is the source of the problems. Instead of making the goal "going to bed early" make the goal "Phone off by a certain time." As John said, use an alarm you have to get up to turn off, and make it something other than your phone. @spezzy has talked in her thread about having to keep her phone charging somewhere other than the bedroom to make that happen. Also, instead of just not being on your phone, why not make a goal of reading a paper book for a set amount of time every night. Combine these all and in order to read your book you will: Put the phone away in another room, set your alarm clock, lay down in bed with your book, read for a while, turn off the light. Book choice is important here. It has to be something you're willing to read, but not something so good you can't put it down. Maybe a devotional of some kind.

[Chris-Tien Jinn]

^^ This - and it has the additional advantage of being a routine that will prime you to sleep.  

[Dusk]

I second Tank. It may help to delete social media apps from your phone, so even when you're tempted to mindlessly browse, you won't be able to.

 

I have a similar mental block as you... I know what I should do, and yet somehow I just don't... do it?? It baffles me. Anyway, you have my sympathies. Hopefully we can figure out what is holding us up. If you wanna chat about it, feel free to pm me. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

24 minutes ago, Shadri said:

I second Tank. It may help to delete social media apps from your phone, so even when you're tempted to mindlessly browse, you won't be able to.

 

I have a similar mental block as you... I know what I should do, and yet somehow I just don't... do it?? It baffles me. Anyway, you have my sympathies. Hopefully we can figure out what is holding us up. If you wanna chat about it, feel free to pm me. 

DAE the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak?

 

When I finally started making positive changes in my life I did it by adding, rather than subtracting. For me (and possibly the two of you) it was easier to start a good thing than to stop a "bad" thing. Eventually the good thing drove out the bad. Remember when you are a kid and you held a glass to your face by sucking all the air out of it? That's an okay way to get air out of a glass but if you want to keep the air out of that glass it's untenable in the long term. However, if you fill that glass with water, it will push out all the air and keep it out.  If you'd like to push the analogy further as water evaporates you have to keep adding water to the glass, in the same way a good habit, once established, needs perpetual maintenance to keep it strong.

 

[Elastigirl]

My alarm is across the room. I allow myself to  push the snooze once, but to do this, I have to get up hit the snooze, open the drapes, and turn on my  bedside light.  I like Tank's plan of reading a paper book after a set time. also maybe half an hour before your time to turn off your phone, change the settings to grayscale, it's less pretty and not quite as tempting that way

[Chris-Tien Jinn]

12 hours ago, Shadri said:

I know what I should do, and yet somehow I just don't... do it?? It baffles me

 

I struggle with this conundrum too, especially regarding nutrition.  Next challenge, this sort of bad auto-pilot behavior is going to be the focus.  

[TGP]

sounds like you had a bad day though

cuz you're doing fantastic. the key in any situation is to be as positive as possible.  anything can be fixed; any situation can be better;  any problem can be solved

...

as for the alarm this is a Hard one that I struggle with as well.  for a little bit last week I was going to my exercise class LATE to teach myself that "no"

hitting the snooze does NOT get one out of going to the exercise class.

this week has been better.  if you can just Fall into the groove of getting up for a couple days strait; it gets much easier.

 

but no matter how it falls out; whether on the 3rd, 10th or 20th time.. determination and persistence will win the day.

 

I hope things have improved.