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Treva

Treva Sings--When you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up

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Hi guys.  So guess who bombed another shelf exam (me!)

So after another round of self flagellation and frustrated talks between myself and my parents, I found that the only correlation between my test grades and anything else was how hard I practiced self care.  The tests I did the best on were the ones where I took the time to go to the gym, practice, and take care of myself.  So in the continuing Saga of Treva Keeps At is me watching that dumb movie Sing! over and over again because...I'm silly and it makes me feel better and I don't have any other good ideas for this challenge.  Also it is...very true to music life?  And I do feel like I've hit not necessarily rock bottom (because lets face it, it can always get worse), but...definitely at a low point.  So mottos we're working with for this challenge

 

When you can't walk, crawl.

The difficult we do immediately, the impossible may take a little time.

When you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up.

 

Food: I have food credits for the next two weeks for the location I'm at.  So Eat as healthy as I can, spend money if I have to.

 

Sleep: Physically be in bed by 9 PM.  It honestly doesn't even matter if I sleep, just get thyself in bed.  If you can't sleep, we're either going to follow the problem-solution diagram I made up months ago, or working on yogic sleep.  Because that will come in handy if I can get it together before I start on trauma/transplant/the month from hell.  

 

Exercise: this is going to be really hard, because I am on surgery and I am really tired.  After these two weeks, I spend two weeks on Trauma (28+ hour call at the level 1 trauma center the military sends their surgeons to for practice prior to war zone deployment), and then two weeks on transplant (kill me now while I am sane).  But I'm still going to try for a four day rotation

Day 1: Weights--S&S with whatever I can manage that day

Day 2: Yoga--20 minutes (15 of stretches, 5 of meditation)

Day 3: Sword--15 minutes+5 meditation

Day 4: Rest day.  20 minutes of journaling, coloring, working on my head game with a sports psych book I have

 

Music: I really need the sacred space of a practice room to feel comfortable.  I sat down with some music friends the other day and realized how much mental effort I have to put in to be normal, and that I've always done music and science together.  Doing one without the other is kind of destroying my insides?  I am a musician.  I cannot deny this, and not doing it on a daily basis is killing me.  I know that other musicians can somehow give this up and just do medicine but I have ceased to function normally without it.

Fifteen minutes at an instrument, every day.

 

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Wish me luck.  

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I'm sorry to hear that the exam didn't go good. :( I know you pour a lot of yourself into those things, and I can only imagine how frustrating that's gotta be.

 

That being said, it also sounds like you've learned some things about how the events leading up to your exams impact your overall performance. I think that's very wise. Brains, like bodies, are weird, and no two necessarily incorporate information in the exact same ways. There's no reason to do what doesn't work beyond conforming to what others expect of you, but their expectations are ultimately for your success and if conformity leads to failure then it's not worth anything.

 

I like your exercise cycle. I've done something like that before with great success. That being said, don't be afraid to go really light on one of those cycles, say, maybe every 4th or so. There's value in practice and in showing up, and you got plenty of stuff trying to grind you down right now, so don't let this thing which is supposed to make you better be a thing that crushes you.

 

Exercise is a form of self-care. And I think the rest of what you're doing makes sense. So. Breathe in, breathe out.

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On 3/13/2018 at 4:27 PM, Luciana Valerosa Culming said:

Sorry to hear your last test didn't go so well. But it's really good you could figure out, what is helping you and how you can get yourself slowly to where you want to be. Best wishes.

 

On 3/15/2018 at 2:23 PM, Teirin said:

Sorry about the exam :-(  Try not to be too hard on yourself?

Trying.  it is not working out as well as I had hoped.  Thanks guys.

 

On 3/14/2018 at 9:49 AM, Kishi said:

That being said, it also sounds like you've learned some things about how the events leading up to your exams impact your overall performance. I think that's very wise. Brains, like bodies, are weird, and no two necessarily incorporate information in the exact same ways. There's no reason to do what doesn't work beyond conforming to what others expect of you, but their expectations are ultimately for your success and if conformity leads to failure then it's not worth anything.

Yes, see you have hit on the issue, per usual.  I have to conform or I'll be singled out as a problem and receive poorer grades, and when I conform I don't do as well as I could.  Yay catch 22!  But I'm trying to make it work anyways, and I gotta just do me I suppose and not let their expectations get to me.

 

On 3/14/2018 at 9:49 AM, Kishi said:

I like your exercise cycle. I've done something like that before with great success. That being said, don't be afraid to go really light on one of those cycles, say, maybe every 4th or so. There's value in practice and in showing up, and you got plenty of stuff trying to grind you down right now, so don't let this thing which is supposed to make you better be a thing that crushes you.

 

Exercise is a form of self-care. And I think the rest of what you're doing makes sense. So. Breathe in, breathe out.

 

On 3/15/2018 at 2:23 PM, Teirin said:

 

Your 4 day exercise cycle is nice!

Thanks!! I appreciate the support and positive reinforcement!  And you're right, should definitely not let this one grind me down when I'm supposed to be using it to help me feel better.  

 

Breathing.  Yeah.  Despite all the surgeries, yes, breathing, that is happening.  I am turning suturing into a breathing exercise, and it worked well today.  I did probably the most beautiful subcutaneous suturing I will ever do in my life and can die completed now I suppose.  So the breathing with the suturing works.  

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I'm gradually catching up with folk after being MIA for a while.....  Wow another musician!!!!  What do you play?  Weirdly I've always found that if I stop playing (and like you, sometimes 10 minutes is all I can squeeze in) then my science stops working, and I'm stressy, and I'm grumpy, and generally horrid.  So go find some way of playing, not in feel guilty if you don't do it kind of way, but in a feel more like yourself for doing it way.

 

I have no idea how playing (double bass if you're wondering) puts my brain back together again, but it does.  Possibly from the semi-meditative focused state that focussing on sound and phrasing generates?  I also tend to do a lot of pattern practise, so again, there is a zoning in that goes on.

 

YAY for suturing as a breathing exercise.

Plus, YAY for a four day exercise cycle - it looks like a great plan.

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Ugh. Exams are terrible. Sorry this mot recent one sucks. :(

 

Also, what is this yogic sleep. That sounds....intriguing. 

 

And definitely self care. Doesn’t matter how, and it doesn’t matter who thinks it’s weird or whether it conforms or not. Your self are is your self care and if people have issues with it they can bugger off. I would go off the grid for a while when I had severe deficit in my self care, and so many people found it weird. But it worked for me, I felt better afterwards, and was a functioning human again. Didn’t cure how awkward I am, but at this point that’s never going to happen anyway. :P

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On 3/17/2018 at 4:14 AM, Lou_be_Lou said:

I'm gradually catching up with folk after being MIA for a while.....  Wow another musician!!!!  What do you play?  Weirdly I've always found that if I stop playing (and like you, sometimes 10 minutes is all I can squeeze in) then my science stops working, and I'm stressy, and I'm grumpy, and generally horrid.  So go find some way of playing, not in feel guilty if you don't do it kind of way, but in a feel more like yourself for doing it way.

 

I have no idea how playing (double bass if you're wondering) puts my brain back together again, but it does.  Possibly from the semi-meditative focused state that focussing on sound and phrasing generates?  I also tend to do a lot of pattern practise, so again, there is a zoning in that goes on.

 

YAY for suturing as a breathing exercise.

Plus, YAY for a four day exercise cycle - it looks like a great plan.

Hi there! I'm trying my best to also keep up with people after being MIA for a while.  I play pipe organ as my primary instrument, but I also play piano, sing, and do some other things.  Yes, I have also found if I stop playing, my science stops too.  I get all those same things too, and very very emotional.  It's doing it for myself, and for other people; I'm much more manageable as a human if I practice.  I think maybe it comes from that focused state, the being able to put your feelings in a different context.  For me, it was always that my instrument is my best friend to whom I can tell all my stories and secrets and not feel self centered about it.

 

yes!  It's like breathing through a particularly difficult phrase.  I started breathing through my sutures and staples, and it seems to be working!

Thanks, I am trying, and I can keep tally so I know I'm sorta keeping up.

 

On 3/18/2018 at 1:10 PM, RisenPhoenix said:

Ugh. Exams are terrible. Sorry this mot recent one sucks. :(

 

Also, what is this yogic sleep. That sounds....intriguing. 

 

And definitely self care. Doesn’t matter how, and it doesn’t matter who thinks it’s weird or whether it conforms or not. Your self are is your self care and if people have issues with it they can bugger off. I would go off the grid for a while when I had severe deficit in my self care, and so many people found it weird. But it worked for me, I felt better afterwards, and was a functioning human again. Didn’t cure how awkward I am, but at this point that’s never going to happen anyway. :P

yesh....yeah.  Yeah.  I'm tired of it, honestly.  

 

So it's called Yoga Nidra, and it's the practice of waking sleep, essentially.  It's about being conscious, but also asleep.  I'd read somewhere that 30 minutes is equivalent to 3 hours of sleep.  Or something to that equivalent.  I'd like to get more sources rather than "the internet", right now I've just been using a script I found online.

 

Yeah.  I need to self care, there's no getting around it, and I do think it has been helping.  I have more energy at work/school/whatever that hell is, and ultimately I think I was burning out at the end of the each rotation and couldn't take the test.  
Hey, awkward you is authentic you, and that's the best you there is.

 

She says, never ever once able to take her own platitudes.

 

Sine I can't shut up and I'll run my challenge the way I want to, I was standing in the grocery store the other day, exhausted from my friday shift and getting yelled at and cutting people open and getting in at 5 or before do the menial tasks for my residents because this is surgery and surgery is hazing and staying until 6 or later and getting yelled at for asking patients about their feelings, knowing I'd be in on Saturday too, staring blankly at greek yogurts while Goyte's Somebody That I used To Know played in the background.  That was the exact moment I realized I was in this trapped boring mock indie movie hell I promised myself I would not stay in.  I appreciate and am grateful for the roof over my head, the food in my fridge, and the lack of bombing of my city but that was definitely the moment I realized this was hell.  I document this, because my dad had said to me months ago, "They could put you in hell and three years later you'd come out having cured it of C. diff and no worse the wear for it."  Realizing I was in Treva's Version of Hell led me to accepting that I am in hell, and there is nothing I can do to change my situation, but I do have to change my approach to the situation. I have no idea if it's going to make any difference for tests, but I have to survive.  I've been putting effort into building self care into my daily routine; like planning ahead and bringing breakfast for the next day when I've got an overnight, taking the time to shut the computer down and drink my tea.  Finding time for the little things that make me happy and make me me and sane has helped me put less work into worrying about if my interpersonal relationships are going well.  I may be a failure, I may end up as a doc in a box alone in a tiny apartment with debt up to my eyeballs and never make a difference, but what matters most right now is being able to come home and be okay with the person I am.  I really have to make sure I'm taking care of her, because no one else is looking out for her.  

 

Exercise rotation going well.  Yoga nidra is amazing and helps me sleep at night much better than I used to.  Personal growth is happening.  

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You can't always control what happens to you or what you're living through. What you can control is how you feel about it and how you approach it.

 

And you gotta take care of yourself, because people don't tend to notice how used up other people are until it's too late. I've lived through that. And I've actually begun to engage in a lot more self-care my own self - stepping away from the computer, keeping my neck shaved and my beard trimmed, getting enough sleep at night. It's really made a difference in how I approach life and it just feels better.

 

Training and sleep are methods of self-care that are underused, and I'm glad to see that you're getting more of them. They foster good personal growth.

 

You'll come out of this okay. I know you can't see it now, but you'll be okay.

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Kishi speaks words of wisdom.

 

Also:

19 hours ago, Treva said:

.  I may be a failure, I may end up as a doc in a box alone in a tiny apartment with debt up to my eyeballs and never make a difference, but what matters most right now is being able to come home and be okay with the person I am.  I really have to make sure I'm taking care of her, because no one else is looking out for her.  
 

 

Absolutely!!!!!!!

I wish we all had folk looking out for us and caring for us and stopping us from burning out.  And yes while some folk are lucky enough to have someone standing by and saying "its time for a break", they are the lucky ones.  So yes, look out for yourself and take good care because you matter.  Sounds like you are in an incredibly tough place in your life.  Self care will make a difference.  All the tiny changes you can make will make a difference.  And one day you'll have gotten through the system enough that you can walk away from some of the rubbish that gets thrown at you.  For now, survival.  Self care and survival.  And suturing as a breathing exercise.

 

Meantime, yay for music as self care - have you found anywhere to play?  Asked while appreciating that you've probably had about 5 minutes in which you weren't working and were awake.  I utterly agree re your comment: "I'm much more manageable as a human if I practice.".  Just yes, yes, yes and yes.  I get very obnoxious very quickly if I don't play.  The other side of it (agreeing also with your " my instrument is my best friend to whom I can tell all my stories and secrets and not feel self centered about it.")  is that in many way it is my voice.  Through playing I say so many things which I will never manage to verbalise.

 

Hang on in there.  One act of self care at a time.

 

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22 hours ago, Treva said:

I appreciate and am grateful for the roof over my head, the food in my fridge, and the lack of bombing of my city but that was definitely the moment I realized this was hell.  I document this, because my dad had said to me months ago, "They could put you in hell and three years later you'd come out having cured it of C. diff and no worse the wear for it."  Realizing I was in Treva's Version of Hell led me to accepting that I am in hell, and there is nothing I can do to change my situation, but I do have to change my approach to the situation. I have no f***ing idea if it's going to make any difference for tests, but I have to survive.  I've been putting effort into building self care into my daily routine; like planning ahead and bringing breakfast for the next day when I've got an overnight, taking the time to shut the computer down and drink my tea.  Finding time for the little things that make me happy and make me me and sane has helped me put less work into worrying about if my interpersonal relationships are going well.  I may be a failure, I may end up as a doc in a box alone in a tiny apartment with debt up to my eyeballs and never make a difference, but what matters most right now is being able to come home and be okay with the person I am.  I really have to make sure I'm taking care of her, because no one else is looking out for her.  

 

Exercise rotation going well.  Yoga nidra is amazing and helps me sleep at night much better than I used to.  Personal growth is happening.  

 

You are going through tough stuff. You are absolutely right, medical school is not normal life. It is hell, and there is a well-defined path out, difficult as that is. You are making good progress on that path. It sounds like surgery is Not Your Thing. That is okay, you have already had other rotations that you enjoyed. Do what you need to do to finish this up with as little damage as possible, then recover before the next round.

 

Excellent that you are focusing on self-care. You spend all your time at the hospital taking care of other people and doing things for the doctors and teachers. You are making the right choices about how you are spending your time. Hugs!

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The team:  "So, let's all listen to britney spears the WHOLE morning whats your favorite song from our girl brittney"

Me: *tries not to throw things and run screaming out of the room with ears bleeding*

 

so...it could totally be worse!  I could be missing limbs!  Or have ulcerative colitis!  Or a colostomy bag!  It could totally, absolutely be worse.  That said, boy I never want to do med school again.  

 

On 3/22/2018 at 3:58 PM, Lou_be_Lou said:

Kishi speaks words of wisdom.

 

Also:

 

Absolutely!!!!!!!

I wish we all had folk looking out for us and caring for us and stopping us from burning out.  And yes while some folk are lucky enough to have someone standing by and saying "its time for a break", they are the lucky ones.  So yes, look out for yourself and take good care because you matter.  Sounds like you are in an incredibly tough place in your life.  Self care will make a difference.  All the tiny changes you can make will make a difference.  And one day you'll have gotten through the system enough that you can walk away from some of the rubbish that gets thrown at you.  For now, survival.  Self care and survival.  And suturing as a breathing exercise.

 

Meantime, yay for music as self care - have you found anywhere to play?  Asked while appreciating that you've probably had about 5 minutes in which you weren't working and were awake.  I utterly agree re your comment: "I'm much more manageable as a human if I practice.".  Just yes, yes, yes and yes.  I get very obnoxious very quickly if I don't play.  The other side of it (agreeing also with your " my instrument is my best friend to whom I can tell all my stories and secrets and not feel self centered about it.")  is that in many way it is my voice.  Through playing I say so many things which I will never manage to verbalise.

 

Hang on in there.  One act of self care at a time.

 

It could be tougher.  I am trying to not be so dramatic about it.  Survival is...good.  I can do the survival.  And breathing through anything is helpful for me!!!  I need to get over myself quite a bit.  Could be worse.  

I have/have not.  I have regular places that I play at, but nothing recently just because Im so busy.  I get SO VERY OBNOXIOUS if my most recent posts are anything to judge me by.  

YES YES THE VOICE YES it is the way to express things where words fail.  It is just so good for me. I sat around and belted Adele, played all my melancholy french music.  I have been having Feelings and the music just helps me deal.  

 

 

On 3/22/2018 at 6:55 PM, Mistr said:

 

You are going through tough stuff. You are absolutely right, medical school is not normal life. It is hell, and there is a well-defined path out, difficult as that is. You are making good progress on that path. It sounds like surgery is Not Your Thing. That is okay, you have already had other rotations that you enjoyed. Do what you need to do to finish this up with as little damage as possible, then recover before the next round.

 

Excellent that you are focusing on self-care. You spend all your time at the hospital taking care of other people and doing things for the doctors and teachers. You are making the right choices about how you are spending your time. Hugs!

 

On 3/23/2018 at 4:43 PM, Teirin said:

Can't add anything useful but *hugs*  That is one heavy load and you need all of the self-care you can build into it.

Thanks guys.  I needed this.  It is not normal life, it is going to be not lovely, and I am trying to be the best I can in this not path of surgery that I am doing the thing.  Thank you for the support and the reinforcement that I am doing the right thing.  I need this and I will look back at it frequently in the coming month to keep me moving forward.  

 

In the interest of controlling my approach rather than the situation per @Kishi, I am trying to be more internal about things.  I can't change that my school wants to regulate me down to my eyeliner, but I can control what I wear and how I act when I'm not at school.   I can control where I apply for future programs and work.  

the little bits of practice and rebellion and exercise where I can put them in help with the sanity.  If no one noticed, I get very dramatic when I do not do the music.  So I took some time to do the music and I am a little bit less dramatic.  I also went home, slept, read some of my favorite books to get away from people.  

I am realizing that being at a burnout workplace and then coming home to more things that will burn me out may make me a little bit less than pleasant.

 

I am doing the self care with the kettlebells and the yoga and the pilates and the sword, and that is all good.  Making time for the self care stuff has been really good for me.  I am working to tune out distractions from friends and school; staying on track with my fitness and music goals has been helpful.  We're two weeks in and I've done two four day rotations, with some bonus pilates and gym days thrown in.  It makes it easier to place importance on personal growth, and not waste time being distracted by interpersonal drama.  Having these other things to focus on has been keeping me out of the petty school squabbles and means I can focus on the more important things.  Like, uh, keeping patients from dying from sepsis.

 

My weight has been steady, at least according to the gym scale.  I'm not happy about my muscle tone, but there is time for that later.  The best news is that I have been sleeping much better, probably because I'm exhausted from the ORs every day.  

 

I've stocked up on nonperishable healthy stuff for school, like lots of fruits and V8s, for my next two weeks on Trauma.  hopefully that will go well

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Things going better this week.  Trauma is a really good pace for me.  There's Precall, which is an 8 ish hour day, then 24 hour call, then post call.  It is really nice for some reason.  Or I'm too tired to know it's a terrible schedule.  I do not know if I love it, because there is a lot of surgery, and I hate surgery.  But I love the acuity and the intensity.

 

Actually got out for a run today.  Have brought LOTS of fresh fruits with me to work along with protein bars, which is not ideal (veggies are better and have less sugar), but Fresh Produce is better then Fresh Fries, so.  There's a subway at school so I can at least control my calorie count for overnights.  

 

Listening to good music, rearranged my playlists, taking lots of naps.  Being kind to myself and ignoring the folks at school.  I've been so self involved I didn't realize I am just as good as they are at plenty of things, sometimes I am better! Doing weights!  Love my kettlebells.  I should name them.  That would be such a good idea.

 

Trauma is great, because I'm too tired to worry about how I'm doing, and more reacting.  Which is mostly me throwing myself headfirst into codes,

 

I should review my EKGs.  I can recognize a STEMI but like...should probably be able to recognize bundle blocks and other potential pre-arrhythmic things.  

 

Have spent too much time doing this.  must go do the homework.  Love yall.  Peace to yall.  Please don't drink and drive.  

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Glad you're in a better place right now, for a given definition of better?  Good work with taking care of yourself as much as possible!  

 

I don't even drive and barely drink.

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Well, it doesn't sond as bad as it's been. And on the whole, it sounds like it could be worse. And in the worst case, you're being exposed to a path of medicine that you don't particularly want to go down... which you might not have known had you not been exposed.

 

Also, you should totally name your bells. It helps. :D

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On 3/29/2018 at 5:57 PM, Treva said:

Things going better this week.  Trauma is a really good pace for me.  There's Precall, which is an 8 ish hour day, then 24 hour call, then post call.  It is really nice for some reason.  Or I'm too tired to know it's a terrible schedule.  I do not know if I love it, because there is a lot of surgery, and I hate surgery.  But I love the acuity and the intensity.

 

Actually got out for a run today.  Have brought LOTS of fresh fruits with me to work along with protein bars, which is not ideal (veggies are better and have less sugar), but Fresh Produce is better then Fresh Fries, so.  There's a subway at school so I can at least control my calorie count for overnights.  

 

Listening to good music, rearranged my playlists, taking lots of naps.  Being kind to myself and ignoring the folks at school.  I've been so self involved I didn't realize I am just as good as they are at plenty of things, sometimes I am better! Doing weights!  Love my kettlebells.  I should name them.  That would be such a good idea.  Will probably name them after bells in the Abhorsen series.  Yeah.  That's a good idea.

 

Trauma is great, because I'm too tired to worry about how I'm doing, and more reacting.  Which is mostly me throwing myself headfirst into codes and also doing successfulish open cardiac massage on a crashing patient and that....is a thing.  That I can do.  

 

Trauma sounds like more your thing than surgery. Awesome that you did successful open cardiac message! You are saving lives. That is what you came there to do. Go Treva!

 

Give yourself a break on what you eat. @Teirin posted this link that you might find helpful: https://www.niashanks.com/eating-in-moderation/. You are making the best choices you can under the circumstances. Your weight is stable and you are maintaining energy and brain function. That is excellent work! You might consider that you are on your feet a lot of the day and don't have as much time to rest as most people. Getting your calories from fruit is better than getting them from candy. You have to get them from somewhere. One of these days we will come up with tasty, portable, ready-to-eat veggies; and will make millions.

 

Keep up the self-care. You've got this.

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On 3/29/2018 at 10:56 PM, Jigme said:

Roger, no drinking, no driving, no going to med school.

thumbs up.  Good good good.

 

On 3/30/2018 at 12:07 AM, Teirin said:

Glad you're in a better place right now, for a given definition of better?  Good work with taking care of yourself as much as possible!  

 

I don't even drive and barely drink.

Yes, a better place is a good thing.   Thanks!!  Also, not drinking and driving.  Such a good.

 

On 4/2/2018 at 2:18 PM, Kishi said:

Well, it doesn't sond as bad as it's been. And on the whole, it sounds like it could be worse. And in the worst case, you're being exposed to a path of medicine that you don't particularly want to go down... which you might not have known had you not been exposed.

 

Also, you should totally name your bells. It helps. :D

definitely not as bad as it could have been.  And you're right, it's just as important to rule things out.   This is a great experience that will give me a lot of training in scary things most people will never see.

\

oh I'm gonna.  the 5lb is gonna be Ranna, the 10 lb will be Mosrael.  I don't know whether I want the 20 to be Kibeth or Dyrim.  Maybe Kibeth, and leave plenty of room for myself to grab bigger bells.  I know I'm far from the goals set out in simple and sinister.

 

On 4/2/2018 at 6:25 PM, Mistr said:

 

Trauma sounds like more your thing than surgery. Awesome that you did successful open cardiac message! You are saving lives. That is what you came there to do. Go Treva!

 

Give yourself a break on what you eat. @Teirin posted this link that you might find helpful: https://www.niashanks.com/eating-in-moderation/. You are making the best choices you can under the circumstances. Your weight is stable and you are maintaining energy and brain function. That is excellent work! You might consider that you are on your feet a lot of the day and don't have as much time to rest as most people. Getting your calories from fruit is better than getting them from candy. You have to get them from somewhere. One of these days we will come up with tasty, portable, ready-to-eat veggies; and will make millions.

 

Keep up the self-care. You've got this.

That was crazy!!!!  it was the craziest thing I have ever done.  I don't know if I'm doing anything to save lives other than grab an ultrasound machine, but hey we're all trying here.

Thank you for the article.  It's really helpful and a much gentler approach to dieting than is on most things.  I did good on the last call and while there was plenty of pizza, I only had one slice, went for a salad later, and did judicious snacking.   I just looked at a journal for EMS/Emergency medicine providers where someone suggested 6-8 smaller meals throughout the night.  

You are right!! fruit is better than from candy, and I do have to get calories from somewhere.  My body has to run physically without sleep for usually 28 hours or more.  The minuteswe make those tasty portable veggies, there will be millions and millions of the dollars.  

Food journal below the cut mostly for me keeping track of it

Spoiler

AM:

0.5 cup Kefir (150 cal)

Coffee (20 cal from almond milk)

banana (80 cal)

 

protein bars (100 cal)

 

Apple (50 cal)

3 clementines (100 cal)

PB&J sandwich (300 cal)

V8 (30 cal)

 

Salad for dinner (300-400 cals)

Banana next AM for breakfast (80 cal)

 

11 PM Absolutely Necessary Mountain Dew (230? calories)

4 AM Absolutely Necessary Mocha (???? Calories)

10PM-5AM Absolutely Necessary Snacks (??? Calories)

 

 

Self care per @Mistr happened today!  And some yesterday.  Post call days are Treva takes care of Treva days.

Physical: My parents came up for easter, so I've been eating The Leftovers of Amazingness for the past few days.  Pasta and veggies for miles!  And lemon curd!!!  It is trauma call I need my daddy's lemon curd.  Went to the gym today too!  Did a full S&S+30min cardio.

Intellectual: I have been avoiding practice questions for the moment and will return to them in the next few days.  I have still been studying, but taking more time to review the things I've already learned.  

Emotional: I also practiced today and it was really lovely and nice to play the piano.  So music and endorphins are working in my favor today.  

Psychological: I think the whole telling myself "this is where I am today, and this is okay" is starting to stick.  I have been using nice creams that are good for my skin, even though I haven't done anything successful like done well on a test recently today.  I say it's okay that I need chocolate because sometimes I'm sad, and read when I need to, and not talk to anyone about myself not because I'm uncomfortable, but because I don't need their judgement in my life.  I have been telling myself no matter whether I succeed or fail "This is where I am today, and that is okay."  Surgeons have been trying to rattle me and even at hour 30 I haven't lost my temper.  And today after leaving the gym I liked the girl I saw in the mirror.

 

51891e126774f9197d72598f0fda3dd8b244e6c4

 

Is it the endorphins?  Probably.  But the girl in the mirror isn't too shabby.  If anyone wants to tell me I'm less because of my scores, or they've never heard of anyone doing what I want to do, be nasty and treat me like scut, or sneer and say I"m unusual,  call my meditation silly or my instrument weird or try to chop off the out of the box parts of me, they can swallow it.

Punk rock organist gotta be punk.

200.gif

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14 hours ago, Treva said:

I say it's okay that I need chocolate because sometimes I'm sad, and read when I need to, and not talk to anyone about myself not because I'm uncomfortable, but because I don't need their judgement in my life.  I have been telling myself no matter whether I succeed or fail "This is where I am today, and that is okay."  Surgeons have been trying to rattle me and even at hour 30 I haven't lost my temper.  And today after leaving the gym I liked the girl I saw in the mirror.

^^^^^^^^^^^^This is awesome. All of it.

 

Keep it up, you've got this.

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13 hours ago, Treva said:

oh I'm gonna.  the 5lb is gonna be Ranna, the 10 lb will be Mosrael.  I don't know whether I want the 20 to be Kibeth or Dyrim.  Maybe Kibeth, and leave plenty of room for myself to grab bigger bells.  I know I'm far from the goals set out in simple and sinister.

 

Aaaaaah you're so much more creative than I am. I basically just named mine after names with "Bell" in them. So, I have Christa-belle, Isabel, Anna-belle, Mary-belle. The next bell will be Jessica Elizabeth Bell, a classy lady with a rather unfortunate nickname.

 

16 hours ago, Treva said:

Psychological: I think the whole telling myself "this is where I am today, and this is okay" is starting to stick.  I have been using nice creams that are good for my skin, even though I haven't done anything successful like done well on a test recently today.  I say it's okay that I need chocolate because sometimes I'm sad, and read when I need to, and not talk to anyone about myself not because I'm uncomfortable, but because I don't need their judgement in my life.  I have been telling myself no matter whether I succeed or fail "This is where I am today, and that is okay."  Surgeons have been trying to rattle me and even at hour 30 I haven't lost my temper.  And today after leaving the gym I liked the girl I saw in the mirror.

 

Exactly. Failure doesn't have to be the end of anything, but whether it derails you completely or not is ultimately a matter of how you take it. You're still engaging in self-care, you're owning your emotions and coping with them with exercise, music, and chocolate, and it's showing. Whatever cracks you might have shown in the face of that much work, you aren't showing now. If anything, it kind of sounds like they're bouncing off of you.

 

You are in a position, right now, where failure can be useful, because you're in a position to learn from it and move on. That's where you are, and that's okay. :)

 

16 hours ago, Treva said:

Punk rock organist gotta be punk.

 

This will be next "Classical Instruments in Unclassical Genres" music trend. I predict it.

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On 4/5/2018 at 12:41 PM, Mistr said:

Keep it up, you've got this

 

On 4/5/2018 at 2:27 PM, Kishi said:

Exactly. Failure doesn't have to be the end of anything, but whether it derails you completely or not is ultimately a matter of how you take it. You're still engaging in self-care, you're owning your emotions and coping with them with exercise, music, and chocolate, and it's showing. Whatever cracks you might have shown in the face of that much work, you aren't showing now. If anything, it kind of sounds like they're bouncing off of you.

 

You are in a position, right now, where failure can be useful, because you're in a position to learn from it and move on. That's where you are, and that's okay. :)

Thanks, you guys.  Thanks a lot.  That is so helpful and the support means a lot to me.  The keeping things bouncing off of me has had it's ups and downs, but even my bigger failures that would normally have derailed my day do not derail it for so long anymore.  Recovery and growth is never a straight line, but I think we're moving in a positive direction.  

 

On 4/5/2018 at 2:27 PM, Kishi said:

Aaaaaah you're so much more creative than I am. I basically just named mine after names with "Bell" in them. So, I have Christa-belle, Isabel, Anna-belle, Mary-belle. The next bell will be Jessica Elizabeth Bell, a classy lady with a rather unfortunate nickname.

um you may have to enlighten me, my brain is no longer working.

 

On 4/5/2018 at 2:27 PM, Kishi said:

This will be next "Classical Instruments in Unclassical Genres" music trend. I predict it.

I really want to arrange something now and sing it and stuff.  Gotta find the right thing.

 

Physically: So I did go to the gym this week, but I wasn't able to do much else.  I've really needed to sleep and just have been getting to bed at variable times.  I have been eating whatever I can, but notably getting salads when I'm on call to avoid the junk food.  Some of the other students have started doing that too--even the residents.  They used to make fun of me for it.  I know right now it will not be easy, but soon I can take care of myself.

Intellectually: Well, my attending promised all of us glowing reviews.  I don't expect that, but he gave me a high five today when I knew about the orthopedic invention that came out of WWI (traction!  good thing I spent so much time looking at pictures of WWI hospitals).  I got to participate in another hit coming in and I felt good about that.  I can't do the drama of trauma every day, but it's really good for me and helps me keep perspective

Emotionally: Not enough endorphins, not enough sleep, watching Sing!  Again for the third time this month because my feelings are stupid.  

giphy.gif

Yeah that's me today.  But!! Perspective!  Trying!

Psychologically: it's not a straight line to feeling okay all the time, but it's getting there.  Trauma puts things in perspective, and the self confidence I gained from helping in the trauma bay helps me maintain my center.  I am going to be okay.  The world is bigger than my problems, and there's more out there than my fears and silliness right now, and one day I'll be back doing all the things I love.

 

I am thinking of keeping a focused journal on successes and areas of growth from each day.  Not failures, because I plan to learn from them.  That would help me boost my self confidence without becoming complacent, and stay focused on "did I do a good deed today" rather than "did I fit the mold and be a perfect med student today."

 

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Congrats on being a good corrupting influence.  Prioritizing sleep and good food is critical self care, especially for what you're doing.  Good work!  So is watching happy movies.

 

Congrats again on impressing your Attending!  the success journal is a good idea.

 

Kishi was making a Jezebel joke :-)

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On ‎4‎/‎8‎/‎2018 at 8:54 PM, Treva said:

Physically: So I did go to the gym this week, but I wasn't able to do much else.  I've really needed to sleep and just have been getting to bed at variable times.  I have been eating whatever I can, but notably getting salads when I'm on call to avoid the junk food.  Some of the other students have started doing that too--even the residents.  They used to make fun of me for it.  I know right now it will not be easy, but soon I can take care of myself.

 

Nice. Way to get people to sit up and pay attention.

 

On ‎4‎/‎8‎/‎2018 at 8:54 PM, Treva said:

Intellectually: Well, my attending promised all of us glowing reviews.  I don't expect that, but he gave me a high five today when I knew about the orthopedic invention that came out of WWI (traction!  good thing I spent so much time looking at pictures of WWI hospitals).  I got to participate in another hit coming in and I felt good about that.  I can't do the drama of trauma every day, but it's really good for me and helps me keep perspective

 

I mean, perspective is good. Keeps problems smaller and more manageable.

 

On ‎4‎/‎8‎/‎2018 at 8:54 PM, Treva said:

Psychologically: it's not a straight line to feeling okay all the time, but it's getting there.  Trauma puts things in perspective, and the self confidence I gained from helping in the trauma bay helps me maintain my center.  I am going to be okay.  The world is bigger than my problems, and there's more out there than my fears and silliness right now, and one day I'll be back doing all the things I love.

 

I am thinking of keeping a focused journal on successes and areas of growth from each day.  Not failures, because I plan to learn from them.  That would help me boost my self confidence without becoming complacent, and stay focused on "did I do a good deed today" rather than "did I fit the mold and be a perfect med student today."

 

On the whole, it sounds like you're doing a lot better. I like that you're willing to reframe things that happen to you to successes and opportunities to grow. Because that's really what they are, more often than not. And I like that you're focusing on doing better and being better rather than fitting the mold.

 

You're doing great! Finish this challenge strong!

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On 4/8/2018 at 7:54 PM, Treva said:

Physically: So I did go to the gym this week, but I wasn't able to do much else.  I've really needed to sleep and just have been getting to bed at variable times.  I have been eating whatever I can, but notably getting salads when I'm on call to avoid the junk food.  Some of the other students have started doing that too--even the residents.  They used to make fun of me for it.  I know right now it will not be easy, but soon I can take care of myself.

 

Rest has to come first. The gym is great for working off stress and making your body feel better. Sometimes your brain and spirit need the restoration more than your body. That is fine.

 

Good for you for setting a good example for your coworkers!

 

On 4/8/2018 at 7:54 PM, Treva said:

Intellectually: Well, my attending promised all of us glowing reviews.  I don't expect that, but he gave me a high five today when I knew about the orthopedic invention that came out of WWI (traction!  good thing I spent so much time looking at pictures of WWI hospitals).  I got to participate in another hit coming in and I felt good about that.  I can't do the drama of trauma every day, but it's really good for me and helps me keep perspective

Emotionally: Not enough endorphins, not enough sleep, watching Sing!  Again for the third time this month because my feelings are stupid.  

 

Excellent that you are getting recognition for knowing stuff! I'm glad you are getting good experience doing your trauma rotation.

 

Having an emotional restoring video is great. I have a go-to CD in my car for when I need to chill. Positive coping mechanisms are GOOD.

 

On 4/8/2018 at 7:54 PM, Treva said:

I am thinking of keeping a focused journal on successes and areas of growth from each day.  Not failures, because I plan to learn from them.  That would help me boost my self confidence without becoming complacent, and stay focused on "did I do a good deed today" rather than "did I fit the mold and be a perfect med student today."

 

Great idea!

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