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Bean Sidhe

Bean Sidhe Vs Chaos - The do-over

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4 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

Who-hoo! Now I want to have been at that wedding too! That must have been a fun one :)

 

It was and it wasn't. It was a good party, but I was a bridesmaid, so I was "working" the whole time taking care of the bride, talking to a drunk friend who needed to lean on someone, keeping the brides mom happy, and then clean up since we had to be out by 1 Am. It was a good time, but My "must be helpful" was in overdrive.

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Description

3/20/2018

Knee to Elbows

20

Leg lifts

20

sit ups

30

Reverse sit ups

10

Push ups

10

Balance Ball push ups

7

Wrist Extension Stretch

y

Upward dog/Child pose

y

Meditating Groot

y

Butterfly

y

Ballet/toe Touch

y

Sitting Fix/Shoulder stretch

y

Soak up the sun

y

Spend time with Agents

y

Plan

y

Be in bed by 11:30

y

One good thing

y

Check seedlings

y

Update Kermit list

y

Pennisula/Island

y

Table / Half wall

y

Desk

y

Bathroom up

y

Bathroom down

y

Bedroom

y

Computer room

y

Basement

y

Clean our dresser

y

Walk 10500 steps

7,718

Walk 15 minutes a day

n

Walk to Mordor

y

No eating after dinner

y

< 3 bottles of tea

y

Eat Yogurt Daily

y

Eat Bananas Daily

y

Eat dried Apricots

y

1 serving of veggies

y

120 oz of water

y

 

Total points for day 18

Total points for challenge 37/40

One good thing:

Youngest Agent went back to school

Time with Agents

: Cuddles before bed

So yesterday was not great. In was rather crummy.  Mainly, because I restarted the saga about trying to get the dental work done (again). TLDR version, it is this huge thing that I need to figure out when I can find time to get the work done, plus I can only do half this year due to budget, but all the insurance may need to go to cleanings which leaves no money for the repair work. I feel horrible since some of this is my fault for not taking better care. This is all a result of past me going " we have time to take care of yourself later"  I still don't have an answer there and honestly, its not helping the anxiety or depression. Now I remember why I pushed all this off.

Between that, not feeling great and plans going to heck, I just really had a hard time caring. I did a tiny bit of homework, so now I am starting to worry about that. Oh, and I am back to not really wanting to eat. Its more doing it because I should, not because I want to or am hungry,

But here is to hoping today is better.

 

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I can't imagine how not wanting to eat can be. Never happen to me, not even when I have stomach bugs! But I know how difficult is to recognise hunger and I really feel you.
I just replied to you in my thread about intuitive eating and now think that what I said does not apply as much.
Anyway, I hope today will be better :)

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3 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

I can't imagine how not wanting to eat can be. Never happen to me, not even when I have stomach bugs! But I know how difficult is to recognise hunger and I really feel you.
I just replied to you in my thread about intuitive eating and now think that what I said does not apply as much.
Anyway, I hope today will be better :)

 

I do this sometimes. Lately its been worse and I look at all food and go "yuck"

 

I did have a time, when the kids were little little, that I would just be too busy to eat. I would eat maybe once a day at dinner. During that time, I messed up my metabolism pretty bad (still trying to fix that) and put my body into constant starvation mode. I also stopped feeling hungry, at all. It was one of those "Your ignoring me, so I won't tell you anymore" kinda situations. As a result, I have been slowly retraining myself to learn hunger, to learn symptoms of hunger. I am in a much better spot with it now than I have been, but its frustrating when I will just go "I should eat, but I don't want to." I also then have to decide if the should eat is emotions talking, scheduled feeding, or I am showing symptoms of hunger and need to deal with that.

I wonder if the intuitive thing would work better for me. Its something to look into, so thanks for the info.

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Description

3/21/2018

Knee to Elbows

15

Leg lifts

20

sit ups

35

Reverse sit ups

15

Push ups

11

Balance Ball push ups

10

Wrist Extension Stretch

y

Upward dog/Child pose

y

Meditating Groot

y

Butterfly

y

Ballet/toe Touch

y

Sitting Fix/Shoulder stretch

y

Soak up the sun

y

Spend time with Agents

y

Plan

n

Be in bed by 11:30

y

One good thing

y

Check seedlings

y

Update Kermit list

y

Pennisula/Island

y

Table / Half wall

y

Desk

y

Bathroom up

y

Bathroom down

y

Bedroom

y

Computer room

y

Basement

y

Clean our dresser

y

Walk 10500 steps

10,773

Walk 15 minutes a day

y

Walk to Mordor

y

No eating after dinner

y

< 3 bottles of tea

y

Eat Yogurt Daily

y

Eat Bananas Daily

y

Eat dried Apricots

y

1 serving of veggies

y

120 oz of water

y

 

Total points for day 19

Total points for challenge 56/60

One good thing:

  Grammar in code is starting to make sense

Time with Agents: Walking home from school

Yesterday was okay. I still feel bad, but I am doing it anyway. Besides the fact it was a kids go to school late, we had 3 activities and dinner failed so we did dinner late. I WAS SO CLOSE to getting all 20 and then I forgot to make the plan. ugh.

I will say that I gave myself the point for taking a 15 minute walk since my fitbit counted the walk to school AND I did laps of the house last night for about 13 minutes and then the replacement dinner arrived and I stopped. But I got goal for the first time in weeks so that felt good.  Adn the fact it happened on the crazy day is even more amazing.

Time to pull myself out of spring break mode. I haven't been focusing on my homework like I should and its starting to get my homework backed up, hopefully I can make a dent in that tonight. Here is me hoping for another good day. Maybe I can finally get all 20


 
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1 hour ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I did have a time, when the kids were little little, that I would just be too busy to eat. I would eat maybe once a day at dinner. During that time, I messed up my metabolism pretty bad (still trying to fix that) and put my body into constant starvation mode. I also stopped feeling hungry, at all. It was one of those "Your ignoring me, so I won't tell you anymore" kinda situations. As a result, I have been slowly retraining myself to learn hunger, to learn symptoms of hunger. I am in a much better spot with it now than I have been, but its frustrating when I will just go "I should eat, but I don't want to."

This was me in my twenties in a lot of ways. I wasn’t a very good cook and didn’t enjoy food all that much anyway, so I saw hunger as a nuisance, a bodily interruption that kept me from doing the things I actually wanted to do in life. I ignored my hunger for years until I did some soul searching and realized that there was a weird part of me that didn’t think I deserved to eat. I have no clue where this quirk came from (money I think had something to do with it) but once I realized it, I let it go and started eating whatever and whenever I wanted.

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So I had a not so small breakdown at work (at least no one saw it). Basically, through all the crap they threw at me today (mostly, This is easier for me, so who cares for what Bean wants or has to deal with).  That while I am a support role, what is easier for me, what I would like to see done, or have to deal with daily, doesn't matter because I am the dirt on the floor. I had my cry about it, and am sadly better now. Knowing that I don't rank helps, but its when they say "Part of the department" "get a say in what happens in your prep area" and then "Oh, thats not what we meant" is harder.  Stop lying. I know where I rank, and I am fine with it, until you start telling me "Important part of ...". and then "well this is easier for X, and since they are Y, then they get what they want."

Rant over, I needed to get that out. Do note, I have been at this place for 18+ years. I make nothing and I am fine with all of this, until they start telling me "I matter". If I am going to be the lady with the crap job, admit it. don't sugar coat things.
 

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2 hours ago, Tateman said:

Hope all this sickness ends soon. I ran through a little minor cold recently (glad it wasn't flu level bad). 

 

Thanks, we are getting there. Youngest Agent is doing better. I still have a lovely cough that I am still unsure of if its going to take going to a DR to get rid of.

Hope your feeling better as well.

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So I had a not so small breakdown at work (at least no one saw it). Basically, through all the crap they threw at me today (mostly, This is easier for me, so who cares for what Bean wants or has to deal with).  That while I am a support role, what is easier for me, what I would like to see done, or have to deal with daily, doesn't matter because I am the dirt on the floor. I had my cry about it, and am sadly better now. Knowing that I don't rank helps, but its when they say "Part of the department" "get a say in what happens in your prep area" and then "Oh, thats not what we meant" is harder.  Stop lying. I know where I rank, and I am fine with it, until you start telling me "Important part of ...". and then "well this is easier for X, and since they are Y, then they get what they want."

Rant over, I needed to get that out. Do note, I have been at this place for 18+ years. I make nothing and I am fine with all of this, until they start telling me "I matter". If I am going to be the lady with the crap job, admit it. don't sugar coat things.
 
Oh, they are quite jerks! But remember that you do matter! And when you will be gone, and they will have to hire 2-3 people to replace you, they will realise what they lost.
It will be too late for them, but who cares.
In the meantime, is there a way to say no to some crap?
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3 hours ago, Diadhuit said:

Oh, they are quite jerks! But remember that you do matter! And when you will be gone, and they will have to hire 2-3 people to replace you, they will realise what they lost.
It will be too late for them, but who cares.
In the meantime, is there a way to say no to some crap?

 

Thank you, This is something I learned long ago, but lately, they have been sugar coating things nad then take it back when it is one of those things that does matter. I have no replacement, I don't even have someone to cover when I am gone, except my boss who I have to break it down so its "move this here" and "put that there"

There isn't a way when your manager won't support you. I went to her when this started and asked "are we really going to let this happen, am I really going ot have to work around this for 2 weeks" and her answer was "yes, let them." Her thought is, she tries it, it fails, person who did it never does it again, but my manager is not the one working around it for 2 weeks and smelling it for 2 weeks in what is basically "my office" (Or that is what they keep saying when they sugar coat it)

Funniest thing is, I never saw a real job description when I was hired 19 years ago. I haven't seen one since. They love sticking things in that "other duties as assigned" section anyway. Its not normally too bad, but the "Oh, Bean can deal with more stupid" has been really high of late. And I don't see a point in quitting until I am done with school, so I have a few more years. Then maybe I transfer to another department or something but I will start with at least some if not all of my time in.

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20 hours ago, Plazmotic said:

This was me in my twenties in a lot of ways. I wasn’t a very good cook and didn’t enjoy food all that much anyway, so I saw hunger as a nuisance, a bodily interruption that kept me from doing the things I actually wanted to do in life. I ignored my hunger for years until I did some soul searching and realized that there was a weird part of me that didn’t think I deserved to eat. I have no clue where this quirk came from (money I think had something to do with it) but once I realized it, I let it go and started eating whatever and whenever I wanted.

 

Yep, sounds about right. It was never not deserving food (although if we sit down and dinner looks a bit thin, I will make sure the kids eat enough before I eat much of anything). Its the "I got things to do, I will deal with it later." So now Current me is pissed at past me for pushing so much stuff off (eating, taking care of myself) and future me is worried that current me will continue the cycle.

The thing is, I don't generally get hungry, but I will eat when bored. So its a fine line to eat what I want, but when I need to. Also, Hubby keeps trying to find things we want to eat, or sound good when I am more "just feed me" which can be more trying when I get fooded out.

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Description

3/22/2018

Knee to Elbows

14

Leg lifts

10

sit ups

20

Reverse sit ups

5

Push ups

12

Balance Ball push ups

10

Wrist Extension Stretch

y

Upward dog/Child pose

y

Meditating Groot

y

Butterfly

y

Ballet/toe Touch

y

Sitting Fix/Shoulder stretch

y

Soak up the sun

y

Spend time with Agents

y

Plan

y

Be in bed by 11:30

y

One good thing

y

Check seedlings

y

Update Kermit list

y

Pennisula/Island

y

Table / Half wall

y

Desk

y

Bathroom up

y

Bathroom down

y

Bedroom

y

Computer room

y

Basement

y

Clean our dresser

y

Walk 10500 steps

10891

Walk 15 minutes a day

y

Walk to Mordor

y

No eating after dinner

y

< 3 bottles of tea

y

Eat Yogurt Daily

y

Eat Bananas Daily

y

Eat dried Apricots

y

1 serving of veggies

y

120 oz of water

y

 

Total points for day 20  

Total points for challenge 76/80

One good thing:

It was a nice sunny warm day. I really felt more recharged as a result

Time with Agents: Stardew valley, they got to help me complete a big plot point

So Yesterday at work was pretty bad. I was just not in a good head space. Sad thing is, I don't know why this time affected me so much. I know what the job is, and its dirty nasty peon stuff no one else wants, but some days, it just hurts when your told you get to deal with this.

That being said, I got home, got some homework done, but I realized that with the weather turning around, with the warmer temps and my soak up the sun and the sun, I was feeling better overall. I felt more centered and it was helping (Granted, I had another "are  you kidding me evening (stupid dentist office) " but looking positive here). I didn't feel as shut away, which helps. Now, we are under a winter weather advisory tonight through Sat night, so we will see where that goes, but maybe a good chunk of this was that I needed spring. I have also noticed my energy level even while sick has gone up, so that's helpful too. 

In other news, I noped out of the homework after the evening stuff, but I did get ALL my chores done and that felt good. I wonder how much is the sun coming back and how much is me getting the chores and things done so I don't feel as one-dimensional.  Time to keep improving I guess. 

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31 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Also, Hubby keeps trying to find things we want to eat, or sound good when I am more "just feed me" which can be more trying when I get fooded out.

Hahaha yes, Just Feed Me is my tagline too.

 

Yesterday at dinnertime I was feeling sluggish and unmotivated, and I was like “Husband I will make X for you but IDK what I want, food is meh” and he was like “every time I talk you into eating you say you feel so much better afterwards, so EAT SOMETHING”. He was right of course. :P 

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Weather changes and seeing the sun (even on cold days) has been helping me a LOT.  While I'm pleased to be feeling better this is a pattern that freaks me out quite a bit...winter here is long and brutal and I'm sick of feeling like garbage for such a big chunk of the year!

 

Work bullshit sucks, sorry you're having stress in so many areas of life right now.  Hang in there, we all know you're a rockstar and will overcome!

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18 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

So I had a not so small breakdown at work (at least no one saw it). Basically, through all the crap they threw at me today (mostly, This is easier for me, so who cares for what Bean wants or has to deal with).  That while I am a support role, what is easier for me, what I would like to see done, or have to deal with daily, doesn't matter because I am the dirt on the floor. I had my cry about it, and am sadly better now. Knowing that I don't rank helps, but its when they say "Part of the department" "get a say in what happens in your prep area" and then "Oh, thats not what we meant" is harder.  Stop lying. I know where I rank, and I am fine with it, until you start telling me "Important part of ...". and then "well this is easier for X, and since they are Y, then they get what they want."

Rant over, I needed to get that out. Do note, I have been at this place for 18+ years. I make nothing and I am fine with all of this, until they start telling me "I matter". If I am going to be the lady with the crap job, admit it. don't sugar coat things.
 

 

It's a better feeling getting hurt with the truth then getting played by a lie.

 

But by the way, looks like your smashing your goals! 

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On 3/23/2018 at 7:03 AM, Plazmotic said:

Hahaha yes, Just Feed Me is my tagline too.

 

Yesterday at dinnertime I was feeling sluggish and unmotivated, and I was like “Husband I will make X for you but IDK what I want, food is meh” and he was like “every time I talk you into eating you say you feel so much better afterwards, so EAT SOMETHING”. He was right of course. :P 

 

Oh Hubby hates it when he asks "what do you want for dinner" and I ask for "food" and when he asks for specifics I state "Carbon Based food substance"

 

I know I get sugar crashed and weird, we have figured that out.And I am getting better at the realizing the current melt I am having is food related, but I don't tend to want food sometimes. and that is the hard part when we plan meals a week in advance.

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22 hours ago, RevQu said:

Weather changes and seeing the sun (even on cold days) has been helping me a LOT.  While I'm pleased to be feeling better this is a pattern that freaks me out quite a bit...winter here is long and brutal and I'm sick of feeling like garbage for such a big chunk of the year!

 

This I understand. I just woke up to over an inch of snow (It was 50 yesterday) and more still coming (We have a winter weather warning??) and already I am of the "Forget it, bedtime" but I have homework that needs done. Ugh

 

22 hours ago, RevQu said:

Work bullshit sucks, sorry you're having stress in so many areas of life right now.  Hang in there, we all know you're a rockstar and will overcome!

 

Thanks. The work stuff is same day, it just is harder when they say "You matter", and then pull it. I do better when I know I am the dirt on the floor. Its that whole "when you expect nothing, it never hurts" kinda thing. I am just dealing, and life doesn't stop because someone is self absorbed.

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22 hours ago, Butternut said:

 

It's a better feeling getting hurt with the truth then getting played by a lie.

 

This. Stop playing it up that I get a say. If you tell me I get a say then tell me to shut up when I try to use it,, it does not end well. If I know I don't get a say, then I don't expect anyone to listen and I deal better.

 

22 hours ago, Butternut said:

But by the way, looks like your smashing your goals! 

 

I did great through Thursday. Friday the cold hit hard and I didn't do as well.

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On 3/24/2018 at 8:26 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

Oh Hubby hates it when he asks "what do you want for dinner" and I ask for "food" and when he asks for specifics I state "Carbon Based food substance"

Ahahahah I do the exact same thing!

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13 hours ago, RevQu said:

How you doing this week my friend?

 

Short version: Okay thru Sunday, then off track till Tuesday when it got Terrible


Long version; Friday adn Saturday were okay goal wise. Sunday was take kids to grandparents' for part of break. Followed by date night, so off challenge, but okay> Monday I was just behind (so much harder getting just me out the door) then a bit of catch up Monday night. (up till here my cold (probably brochitis) was okay, it wasn't horrible but I sounded horrible) Tues I woke up feeling off. I thought I needed to eat. By the time I got to work I felt bad. I was at work about 2 hours and threw up twice. Food posioning (because I needed that). I was down all day Tuesday (as in I don't remember my kids coming home from grandparents. Thank goodness weds was my day off with them so I spent it still on the couch (after sleeping 14+ hours straight). I managed ot eat a bit yesterday, but mostly I sat there and watched more tv than I have in years. I had 0 energy.

 

Today I have to go back to work. I feel okay, my muscles are still sore in my abs, and food is not something I want, but I am going to try eating again soon. Right now, I would much rather just go back to bed.

Overall, I am mad my challenge has gone to heck. I need to fix that. But I think todays goal is just to survive work and maybe look at my homework I haven't touched yet that is due Sunday night. (Oh and call the specialist dentist again because phone tag for over a week sucks)

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On 4/4/2018 at 8:49 PM, RevQu said:

I fell off the wagon in the last week too.  Hope you're starting to feel better and doing ok!!  Hugs!

 

 

You caught me.

I fell off everything the last 2 weeks. After the food poisoning, I have had 0 energy and 0 desire to eat. At all. I have been eating more as a result of "I should" rather than " I need to" . Its hard to do stuff when your not eating since there is no fuel, but its hard to eat when you look at everything "yuck".  And I am having a hard time even drinking water since its making me nauseous. So that's a thing I need to work on again as well.

 

Oh, and Youngest Agent was fine Weds at 4, at 6 she started crying that her throat hurt. She has Strep (again). So She has been out of school the last 2 days which throws things more out of whack.

Challenge.. what challenge. I don't even know where my cool dragon journal is. My house is a mess. I have no idea what is going on.

 

The one good news at the moment, I had the big dr appt yesterday (after taking Youngest to get the strep meds). Dr decided to leave my BP meds alone which is good. I was really afraid he would want to change them and with how I take to medication, I really don't want to. I think the fact I had lost weight since last year (well due to the not eating. 6 lbs in 2 weeks could be a problem) helped. Either way, he said I am as good to go as ever and when I feel better (Since I told him I have had 4 healthy days in the last month) to get back to my walking and exercising. Which I plan to do anyway.

Other good news (I guess) I am under 280 now. Problem is, I don't think this is how that should happen. Time to get back on track, but I kinda feel like I need to eat, but food is gross.

So yeah, theres the update for the day. I am going to try to do the challenge again starting today. we will see how that goes.

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You caught me.

I fell off everything the last 2 weeks. After the food poisoning, I have had 0 energy and 0 desire to eat. At all. I have been eating more as a result of "I should" rather than " I need to" . Its hard to do stuff when your not eating since there is no fuel, but its hard to eat when you look at everything "yuck".  And I am having a hard time even drinking water since its making me nauseous. So that's a thing I need to work on again as well.
 
Oh, and Youngest Agent was fine Weds at 4, at 6 she started crying that her throat hurt. She has Strep (again). So She has been out of school the last 2 days which throws things more out of whack.

Challenge.. what challenge. I don't even know where my cool dragon journal is. My house is a mess. I have no idea what is going on.
 
The one good news at the moment, I had the big dr appt yesterday (after taking Youngest to get the strep meds). Dr decided to leave my BP meds alone which is good. I was really afraid he would want to change them and with how I take to medication, I really don't want to. I think the fact I had lost weight since last year (well due to the not eating. 6 lbs in 2 weeks could be a problem) helped. Either way, he said I am as good to go as ever and when I feel better (Since I told him I have had 4 healthy days in the last month) to get back to my walking and exercising. Which I plan to do anyway.

Other good news (I guess) I am under 280 now. Problem is, I don't think this is how that should happen. Time to get back on track, but I kinda feel like I need to eat, but food is gross.

So yeah, theres the update for the day. I am going to try to do the challenge again starting today. we will see how that goes.


Recovering from food poisoning takes time, and it is easier said than done. Please be gentle with yourself and reassest the challenge (i.e. Throw it out the window if it needs to be)
Sorry that your family is getting sick again, it will pass.
And take the victories where you can, so who cares how you got there, you are now 280 :)
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